03x15 - Tony, the Patchmaker

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

♪ There's a time for love
And a time for living ♪

♪ Take a chance
And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road
And a road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand new life
Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times ♪

♪ I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail ♪

♪ And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path you take
And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is up to you
My friend ♪

♪ The nights are long
But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand new life ♪

♪ A brand new life ♪

♪ A brand new life
Around the bend ♪

[♪♪♪]

Jonathan, Jonathan, who taught
you to break eggs like that?

Mom.

Well,
that is her style.

Except you got it
in the bowl.

Good morning, good morning.

Oh, good morning, Angela.
How about some breakfast?

A little coffee,
juice, egg shells?

I'd love to, it's just
Geoffrey'll be here any minute.

Is the garage clean?

Oh, Angela, why don't you
let him in the living room?

He's leaving his car with us
while he goes to Boston,

and you know how he is
about his things.

Obsessive?

No, of course not.

It's just that his garage is
being painted, and he's afraid

that the fumes will ruin
the car's high-gloss finish.

Obsessive.

[CAR HONKS]

Who's the doofus
tooting his horn?

That is not a doofus.
That is Geoffrey.

But it's so easy
to mix them up.

Heavenly stars!

Holy Mackerel!
Look what just landed!

What?
What?
Come on.

Get out there!
Let's go.

[GASPS]
Geoffrey,
you bought a new car!

No, no Angel,
not a car.

This is a perfect synthesis
of technology and craftsmanship.

Hey! Hey!
No fingerprints, please.

Uh, whatever made you buy
this perfect synthesis?

My id told me to. Then,
my therapist backed him up.

And we had my accountant
outnumbered.

Do you realize that this baby
can do 157 miles per?

Ooh, that'll come in real
handy in mid-town Manhattan.

Oh, Geoffrey. Whoo!

Great wheels.

Why, thank you,
Mona.

They cost me $4,000 extra.

How much was your hat?

I got them to throw it in.

Oh, boy, you're a vicious
negotiator there, Geoffrey.

That's what they told me.
Ha, ha!

Solid.
Oh!

Oh, no, Tony. Don't do that.
Don't do that.

Oh, pinch me, I must be
dreaming! A car telephone!

With voice-activated
dialing.

Ooh, can I live in here?

No, but you can visit.

Visiting hours are up!

Geoffrey, I don't
want you to worry.

I'm gonna take very good
care of your car.

Oh, no, no Angela,
not "my car."

I want you to think of this
as our car.

Oh, Geoffrey.
You mean, I can drive it?

Well, well, of course,
you can drive it.

Uh, you do know how
to use a stick, don't you?

Oh, yeah. Don't worry about
a thing there, Geoffrey.

What, are you kidding me?
You know, I let her use my van

all the time,
and she's very responsible.

She paid for
the new transmission.

[LAUGHS]

All right, Super Bowl fans,
get your red-hot quiche!

Your fresh pâté!
Your room-temperature brie!

For football?
Dad, that's wimp food.

Well, I know it.
I know it.

But Angela only watches
one game a year,

and I want to make it
special for her.

C'est magnifique, huh?

[UNENTHUSIASTICALLY]
Mmm.

"Mmm"?
What do you mean, "Mmm"?

What's the matter.
Is the brie too runny?

The pâté too foie?

No, it's just foie enough.

Well then what's the matter,
Angela? What's missing?

Since you asked...
Nachos, hot dogs,

barbeque chips, pork rinds.

I wanna oink out with
the rest of the country.

You're a great American there,
Angela.

Hey, I'm gonna go get us
some real scarf food.

Oh, Dad, you're gonna miss
the kickoff.

ANGELA:
Oh, it's all right, I'll go.

All kickoffs look alike
to me.

[GASPS]
I'll take Geoffrey's Porsche.

No, Angela. Angela, no!

Tony, it's just a car.

She's just kidding, Geoff.

No, no, now seriously,
Angela.

Wait a minute now.
Now, wait a minute.

Don't g*n that engine.
And don't ride that clutch.

And most important,

don't forget
the cheese doodles.

You like cheese doodles?
We gotta have that. Super Bowl--

Holy moly!
What a pass!

What a catch!

What a tush!

Hey, everybody,
you wanna watch 'em

chop down Mr. Wheeler's tree?

Nah, get outta here.

No thanks, Jonathan,
I think we'll stick with

the best Super Bowl game
in the history

of mankind.
Yeah.

Boy, go figure.

That is
a weird kid.

[LAUGHS]

TONY:
Hey, hey. Look who's back.

Hi!
Hey!
About time!

I've got some bad news.

I knew it. Did I say it?
I said it.

You creamed Geoffrey's car!

No. The stores were out
of foot-long hot dogs.

I had to settle for
c*ck franks.

That's all right,
Angela.

We'll put
a couple of them together.

The buns will
never know the difference.

Okay. So how did
Geoffrey's car drive?

Perfection.
Pure exhilaration.

I went from zero to fifteen
in eight seconds flat.

Lucky you didn't get
whiplash.

Oh Mother, by the way, your car
is blocking the driveway.

And I can't get Geoffrey's car
back in the garage.

So... Well, it's out there,
totally exposed to the elements.

Oh, no.

And it's turbo flu
season.
Ha, ha!

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello... Oh, hi, Geoffrey.

Aww, you miss her, huh.
That's sweet.

Oh, he's so romantic.

Oh, Angela's here too.
Hang on a second, won't ya?

Hello.

Oh, my, Geoffrey,
the things you say.

Um, I think I'm gonna
take this upstairs.

Right, okay, hold on.

Tony, would you please put
Geoffrey's car into the garage.

Yeah, sure. Okay.
Okay, look.

Don't blitz, pass,
or fumble till I get back.

Here comes the blitz!

Oh, go blitz!

But he made the play.

Yay, complete!

It's complete.
Yeah.

Oh, wait, he fumbled...

Who? Blitz?

He recovered!

Oh, good. I knew
we could count on him.

Oh, what a play.
[SQUEALS]

Dad's gonna die.

Hey, hey, hey.
What'd I miss?

Nothing.
Oh, good.

Hey, Mona, I need
the keys to your car.

Oh, catch.
Oh, oh, oh.

Hey, six points, huh.

[GRUNTING]

Wait, wait! They're back.
They're going for the b*mb.

MONA:
Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Ah! Touchdown!

[ALL SHOUTING]

Whoo! Good dance.
TONY: Hey.

But not as good as yours,
Tony.

[GRUNTING]

Okay look, keep me posted.

SAMANTHA:
Wait, Dad.
There's a flag on the play.

There's a what?
There's a flag.

How could there be a flag?
God.

[CHAINSAW RUNNING]

Tony, why is Geoffrey's car
still parked on the street?

Oh, I had to leave
it there...

until I backed Mona's out.

Well, I just don't
want any sawdust

from the Wheeler's tree
to get on it

and scratch the finish.
Oh...

Oh, Angela, would you stop
worrying about that car.

Really.

[TREE CRASHING,
GLASS SHATTERING]

What was that?

It couldn't be.

[MUFFLED CAR HONK]

Oh, God!

That's
a big scratch.

I just can't believe this.
I mean, who'd have thought

a car that costs so much
could be so squishy?

Yeah, it looked like a pancake,
only flatter.

I've got it. I've got it.

Look, we sit Geoffrey down,
right?

We give him some white wine,
a few pork rinds, all right?

Then we calmly tell him
that t*rrorists,

they stormed the house,
they tied us up,

and they took his car.

Maybe not.

Tony,
will you relax?

You don't know Geoffrey the way
I do. He's a man of reason.

He's gonna understand that
this is just a material object,

and sometimes these
unfortunate mishaps happen.

Well, you are absolutely right,
dear.

[KNOCKING RHYTHMICALLY]

Well, I'm out of here.

Geoffrey.
Tony! Angela!

Aw!

So, Geoffrey,
how was Beantown?

Wonderful.

♪ Everything's
Coming up roses ♪

Keep that thought,
Geoff.

Angela, I've got
something to tell you.

Geoffrey, I have something
to tell you too.

You're not gonna
believe it.

You're not gonna
believe it, either.

Me first.

The Phillips deal
went through!

Your car got totaled!

[LAUGHS]

Almost got me there.
That was good. That was good.

I like that.

We, uh...

We thought
you might want this.

Oh, my God,
you're serious.

Well, you know, you should be
proud of this steering wheel.

Not many steering wheels
could've held up like this one.

Where's the rest of it?

The remains are on view
at Acme Salvage.

Angela, are you all right?

I thank my lucky stars
you weren't hurt.

How in the world did you walk
away without a scratch?

Oh, Geoffrey,
why don't you--

Why don't you have a seat
over here.

You know,
you're a man of reason,

and I think you're gonna find
this story very...reasonable.

Um...

It all started
with the Super Bowl.

And the pâté.

Only I wanted football food.

And so I took your car

because you said to think
of it as ours.

I see. I see.

Well, they say
that most accidents

occur within 10 miles
of the home.

Sometimes even closer.

And, um, when I got back
to the house,

Mother's car was parked
in the driveway.

So I had to park
your car behind it.

You parked my car
in the driveway?

In the shade.

And everything would
have been fine,

except that the Wheelers were
cutting down their tree, and...

Well, to make
a very long story short,

we've got a great lawsuit.

Geoffrey, I'm sorry.

You're sorry?
You're sorry?

Very sorry.

Sorry won't bring back
my baby.

Uh, Geoffrey, I know that this
is difficult for you,

but there's no need
to overreact.

No one was hurt.

You're fully insured.

Yeah. Hey, Geoffrey, you can
get a new Porsche tomorrow.

I don't want a new Porsche.
I want my Porsche.

Don't you think you're being
a little childish?

Oh, first you total my car,
now you're calling me names?

You know what you are?
You are...irresponsible!

Irresponsible? How dare you?

You care more about that stupid
car than you do about me!

Aha! I knew it all along.
You were always jealous of her.

That's crazy.

So now I'm crazy?
Now, now, now,

wait a second, Geoff.
Hold on here.

Look, I don't mean to
butt in, but --

Tony, then don't.
Please, I can handle this.

Now, wait a minute, Angela.
This isn't your fault.

Now, look, Geoffrey.
I parked the car on the street.

So if you're gonna blame
anybody, blame me.

You let somebody else
drive my Porsche?

Just a few feet.

I see it all clearly now.
You don't understand me at all.

I think
you're right about that.

Well, if that's
your attitude,

then I think it's best if
we dissolve this relationship.

Fine!

[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]

Don't you worry, Angela.
He'll be back.

Well, I didn't say
he'd stay.

What are you doing?

Piddling.

I was afraid of that.

Listen, you know about
this Geoffrey thing,

I'm sorry. I feel like
it's my fault.

Tony, it's not your fault that
Geoffrey is a repressed,

compulsive, neurotic...
Obsessive?

Obsessive, juvenile
excuse for a human being.

To think we actually
rubbed noses.

Geez, this guy's really
got you upset, huh.

No, of course not.
I am a rock. I am an island.

And an island
never gets upset.

[WHISPERS]
Yes, I know that.

You know what
really bothers me?

It's that I can't even
compete with a Porsche.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Now, wait a second here.
That's not true.

You can hold your own
with any car, heh.

You know what I mean.
You're the top of the line.

You're a Lamborghini, heh, 5000S
with--

With fuel injection,
and a-- And an overhead cam,

and a snazzy racing stripe.

You really think so?

Hey. Hey, hey, hey,
I subscribe to Car & Driver.

Come on, now. Seriously,
about this Geoffrey thing,

I'm sure he's gonna
wanna patch things up.

Who says I wanna
patch things up?

What do you mean,
you don't?

Oh, Tony,
I just don't know, anymore.

It's just that...

I thought Geoffrey and I had
something really special, but...

But what?

[SCOFFS]

It's just another
failed relationship.

Now, come on, Angela,
don't say that.

Oh, who cares,
anyway?

You know, dating Geoffrey
really tied me down.

There were all
those fancy dinners,

and those Broadway shows, and
those weekends in the country.

I had no idea
it was so rough on you.

[ANGELA SIGHS]

Actually, I think I'm gonna
be a happier person

without Geoffrey.

You know,

I'm starting to feel happier
already.

TONY:
Uh-huh.

Um, Tony,
if you would excuse me.

Oh, sure, I mean, I--
I can understand.

You wanna be alone
with your happiness.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[HUMMING]

Geoffrey? Is that you?

You look like you haven't
eaten or slept or...

Or showered.

I need to talk to you.

Sure, come on in. Hey,
can I get you a cup of coffee,

a glass of juice,
some Airwick?

No, no, nothing.

I'm too tortured.

Tony, you're looking at
a desperate man.

Have you considered a BMW?

Tony, what have I done?

You don't know
how special Angela is.

You can't imagine what it's like
being crazy about her.

Well, you know, I got a good
imagination there, Geoffrey.

I mean, she's everything
that I've ever wanted.

She's everything
I've ever dreamed about.

I can't lose her. I...

Oh, Angel... I'm so sorry.

[SOBBING]
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Geoffrey, Geoffrey, Geoffrey,
get a hold of yourself.

Come on, will ya?

You're leaving nose prints
on the picture here.

Put your hand down,
I said.

Now, listen to me.

Wouldn't it be better
to just apologize in person?

Oh, sure. I can see it now.
I show up at her door,

she slams it in my face.

I sent her candy, flowers,
a bracelet from Cartier,

she won't accept my apology.

I don't eat, I don't sleep,
I neglect my clients.

They drop me.
I lose everything.

I end up at a shelter,
eating pea soup...

Sometimes they put
those little croutons in it.

You know, Tony,
I always felt that

we had the start
of a little friendship.

Am I right?

Yeah, I guess.

Well, I need you.

Well...

I'd really like to help out,
little friend,

but, uh, I really don't know
what I can do, you know.

Talk to Angela. Tell her not
to slam the door in my face.

She'll listen.
She thinks the world of you.

Now, hold on here, Geoffrey.
Why should I?

You hurt Angela.

And what's to say
you won't do it again?

I won't. I swear.

Tony, all I want--
I just want Angela to be happy.

Look, if you can honestly
tell me

that Angela is happy
without me,

I will crawl out this door
and never come back.

Never?

[♪♪♪]

Say she's happy.

Anthony, don't listen to him.
You know she's not happy.

Oh, hey. Hey, mo,
don't be a chump.

Don't want that jerk
hanging around, do ya?

She's not happy.

Happy. Happy.
Not happy. Not happy.

All right,
already!

Huh?

Geoffrey, she's...

She's not happy.

Tony, you're an angel.

So-so you'll talk
to her? Please?

Please, please!

[SOBBING]
I'm prepared to beg.

Geoffrey,
you're way past begging.

You're already at groveling.

[GROVELING]
No, no, no, no!

All right, I'll--!

Just one thing.
Anything.

Get a shave.
Your beard's giving me a rash.

Run out of shelves to paper?

I've been wanting to alphabetize
these for the longest time.

Yeah.
Aristophanes,

Aristotle, Boswell,
Browning...

Where's
the Jackie Collins?

In the bathroom.

Pass me the Chaucer,
please.
Sure.

Oh, what a coincidence.

Chaucer's first name
is Geoffrey with a G.

Think about him much?

Not since
my senior thesis.

Ha, ha. I don't mean
that Geoffrey.

I mean the one that doesn't
speak in middle English.

Heh, that Geoffrey
is history also.

My past is over.
My future is now.

Pass me the Plato,
please.

Hm. Angela, um,
let me ask you a question.

Let's say you're walking
down Fifth Avenue,

and you-- And you
run into Geoffrey.

Would you say, "Hello"?

Probably not.

Oh, let's say you were
walking down Madison Avenue,

and you know,
you accidently bump into him.

Would you say, "Excuse me"?

I don't think so.

Well, how about
Lexington Avenue?

All right,
you're walking down Lex,

and then you look up,
and you spot Geoffrey

about 40 floors up,
ready to take the big plunge.

Would you at least say,
"Don't jump"?

What floor did you say
that was?
Oh!

Okay, I guess so.

All right, now,
then wait a minute.

Come here.

What?

Pretend you're
on Lexington Avenue.

Don't jump.
[SCOFFS]

Come on!

Now, Angela, come on.

The least you could do
is listen

to what the poor slob
has to say.

I mean, he showered
and everything.

Well...
All right. All right,

look. I'll try
and catch up to him.

Did I see Geoffrey
waiting at the front door?

Or was it a nightmare?

It was Geoffrey.

Oh, no,
the return of the living dud.

They're out there right now
kissing each other on the nose.

Damn! I hate that.

How did this happen?

I kind of arranged it.

What! That is just like you,
selfish, selfish, selfish.

You never once
considered my feelings.

Now,
wait a minute, Mona.

We're talking about Angela here.
And she was miserable.

And besides, this Geoffrey,
uh, did he beg me.

Oh, it was terrible, Mona.
You know, there's nothing

more pathetic than
a yuppie on the skids.

ANGELA:
Geoffrey, forget it!

GEOFFREY
Angela, I won't hear of it!

ANGELA:
Geoffrey, why are you always
so stubborn?

GEOFFREY:
Angela, please!

Hey-hey.
I think they're fighting.

Ah, a mother's dream!

ANGELA:
I've made up my mind,
and that is final.

GEOFFREY:
Angela!

You know, I mean,
it's too bad

that they couldn't
work things out,

but hey, I gave it
my best shot.

I better get in there and break
it up before it gets ugly.

No, wait. Let it get ugly.

Angela, sweetheart, there
is nothing left to discuss.

I am paying the deductible.

No, you are not.
I am.

Has anyone ever told you

that you're beautiful
when you're insistent?

[SIGHS]

You know, I realized something
while we were apart, Angela.

I love you.

What are you doing?

Piddling.

Where's Geoffrey?

Oh he's warming up the Jag.

Oh, we're going out
for a celebration.

Oh, well, that's nice.

Tony, if it hadn't been
for you,

Geoffrey and I wouldn't have
gotten back together.

So I just wanted to say
thank you.

Oh, hey,
as long as you're happy.

You are happy,
aren't you?

Yes.

Well, that's good. Because, hey,

you deserve to be with
the right guy.

[CAR HONKING RHYTHMICALLY]

Whoever he is. Um...

Hey, look, I guess you've got
a celebration to get to, huh?

And I better get a vase
for these beautiful roses. Boy.

They are...
They are gorgeous.

Too bad they're not pink,
huh.

Tony...

How did you know that
pink roses are my favorite?

You, uh,
you mentioned it once.

So, uh, what are you kids
up to tonight?

Nothing much.
Just dinner and a Broadway show.

And then we're off for
a weekend in the country.

What do you have lined up?

Oh, well, I'm gonna curl up
with a good book.

Either Chaucer
or Jackie Collins.

Have a good time.

You too.

Thanks, Tony.

You're a real pal.

Okay.

Yeah...

Thanks, Tony.
You're a real pal.

You know what you are?
You're a fool.

Oh yeah.
Go ahead, tell him.

Tell him what?
You blew it, you big chump.

[♪♪♪]