03x23 - Mona

[bunniefuu]

♪

♪ There's a time for love
And a time for living ♪

♪ You take a chance
And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road
And a road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

♪ Nights are long
But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand new life
Brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand new life
Around the bend ♪

♪

♪ Drinkin' rum
And Coca-Cola ♪

♪ Go down Point Koomahnah ♪

♪ Both mother
And daughter ♪

♪ Workin'
For the Yankee dollar ♪

[GRUNTING]

Get-- Ow! Ugh.

Ow.

All right, now you're really
getting me mad.

Hey, knock it off.

Why are you sitting
on my brother?

Hi, Mona. How was your day?

BOY:
Ow. Ow.

Beat it, you big bully.
Ow, ow, ow.

Why don't you go home

and help your mother
set the table?

Well, I guess I showed him.

Yeah. His fist couldn't take
much more.

Well, he said you kissed
Jimmy Wilson

in the backseat
of his father's Hudson.

That's not true.

It was a Studebaker.

MOTHER:
Mona! Cornelius!

Time to wash up for dinner.

All right.

♪ Go down Point Koomahnah ♪

♪ Both mother
And daughter ♪

You won't tell Mom
I've been fighting, will you?

Depends.

[SCOFFS]
What do you want money for now?

Betty Grable bathing suit.

[GIGGLES]

How will you hold it up?

Mom, guess what Cornelius--

Okay, okay, okay.

It's a deal.

Deal.

Cornball.

Don't call me that.

You don't know
who you're fooling with.

Who? Superman?

Yeah.

Up, up and away!

So you can fly. Big deal.

Hey, watch out for the barn!

[BANGING]

Oh, brother.

And then the dumb alarm
went off.

[GIGGLES]

That was a great dream,
Mona.

What do you think it meant?

I think it was one of those
sibling rivalry,

wish-fulfillment things,
you know? Heh.

That or the burrito

I wolfed down at midnight.
Heh.

[TONY CHUCKLING]

I guess
I've always seen Cornelius

as someone
who aimed for the stars.

Heh. Well, at least
he hit the broadside of a barn.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Mother.

Mother, I put together
a care package.

Oh, well, thank you, dear,

but I'm only going to New York
for the weekend.

No,
it's for Uncle Cornelius.

I thought after all that time
in the service,

that he might enjoy some things
like a little bowtie,

see, and a golf cap, hmm,
and...

Oh, a Hawaiian shirt. Huh?

And, uh...

Argyle socks.
Gee,

he'll be the best-dressed guy
in Manhattan.

[CHUCKLES]

Mona,
you must be so excited.

How long has it been
since you two got together?

Well, it must be
over three years.

Gee, Mona, that's a long time
not to see your own brother.

No, it's just about right.

[♪♪♪]

Alrighty,
here you go, folks.

Here are your vouchers.

Now, they entitle you
to a window seat on the bus

and a free
"I love New York" visor.

Adjustable. Ha, ha.

Here we go, right this way.

Now, you can tell the driver
Don West sent you.

He'll take real good care
of you.

Do we get to see
the Statue of Liberty?

What for?
It's on every postcard.

Believe me, you're gonna have
a great time in the South Bronx.

We are the world.

Ah!

I just love helping people.

And getting a $10 kickback.

I love that too.

Don, you have no class.

Oh, no?

Well, uh...

check it out.

What do you say, Kitty,
you and me, tonight,

opening of the ballet?

Then we drop back to my place
and have some real fun.

Will you get it
through your head?

I am not your type.

I'm not a pushover.
I'm not one of your b*mbos.

But you can change.

[SCOFFS]

Oh!

Here we are at last. Ahem.

Welcome to the Nottingham.

You know what,
they once made a movie here.

What was it? The Shining.

Guest alert.

[DESK BELL DINGS]

Now, enjoy your stay here,
and, uh, ahem,

if a pigeon gets caught
in your room,

they like to be scratched.

Right here.

Uh-huh. Heh.

Hi.
Hi.

I'm Kitty McClaren,

and I'm here to welcome you

and make your stay
a pleasant one.

Oh, good.

I'd like a room,
without a pigeon.

Oh, you're Mona Robinson.

Mona Robinson?

Welcome.
I'm the concierge,

and your wish is my command.

I have this effect on men.

Mona?

Cornelius!

BOTH:
Oh!

Mona.
MONA: Oh.

[CORNELIUS CHUCKLING
AND MONA SMOOCHES]

You look great.

A little thinner up here,
Yeah.

a little thicker down here.
Whoa.

Well, you're looking fit.

A little flamboyant,

but I lost that battle
years ago.

You certainly did, Cornball.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

[MOUTHS]
Cornball?

Don't call me that.

Well?
Well, what?

Well, I cannot wait
another minute.

What is the big surprise?

You're standing in it.

No, no, no, I--

I mean my hotel.

Did you say your hotel?

As in you bought it?

Heh. Yeah, lock, stock
and bed sheets.

Do you like it?

Well, it's, uh...

It's really something. Heh.

Yeah,
that's what all the guests say.

MONA:
Ah.

This is the worst hotel
I have ever stayed in.

I'm terribly sorry,
Mrs. Padnick.

Why don't I give you
another night at no charge?

No. No, not another night.

Excuse me. I am the owner.

How may I help you?

We've been here three days,

I had a shower in cold water,
and we never saw a maid.

I had to walk five blocks
to Woolworth's to buy a towel.

Oh, no.

There's a Pick 'n Save
right around the corner.

Please try to understand.

We're still working out
the bugs.

And that's another thing.

Come on, Irwin.

I don't get it.

Some people don't appreciate
a fine hotel.

Well,
call me crazy, Cornelius,

but if you buy a hotel,

shouldn't you know something
about running it?

I do.

This is the perfect business
for a retired military officer.

You billet the troops,
you run the mess hall,

you live on the base,

and best of all,
everyone wears a uniform.

Well, why didn't you just buy
West Point?

You know, I don't understand
your attitude.

I mean, you're the one
who always said,

"Loosen up.
You know, take a chance."

I did.

I thought you,
you of all people,

would be happy for me.

Well...

if this is what you want,
I am.

You mean it?

Of course I do.

I am happy for you.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Good. Heh.

I'm happy you're happy.

Aw.

And we'll be happy all the way
to the bank.

We?

Yeah.

Yes,
that's the other surprise.

I put your savings in it
too.

You put my savings
in this rat hole?

Mona.
Get a grip on yourself.

[GROANS]

I'm telling you
that this hotel

is a model of efficiency.

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

Taxi!

Missed my stop again.

Oh, brother.

How could you do
such a thing?

I mean, what on earth
were you thinking about?

Your future.

As what? A bag lady?

It only needed
a few minor repairs.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

Here we are.

And very close
to the second floor.

I know.
We have a few problems,

but I got a great deal.

Good. Then you can give me
my money back.

Oh, come on.
Give it a chance.

You haven't even seen
the roof garden yet.

How do we get there?
Climb a rope?

Mona.
It's just like you, Mona.

I'm willing to sit down
and talk logically.

Oh, you want logic, hmm?

A, this place is a dump.
B, you bought it.

C, I hope it falls on you.

Well,
I think I've made my point.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

MAN: Come on. No. No.
Aah!

Come on, baby.

Mama needs a new pair
of wedgies.

Whoo! Oh, blow on these.

Woo-hoo! Here it goes.

[SHRIEKING AND LAUGHING]

Snake eyes.
I'll take that.

Well, thanks for nothing.
Who invited you?

Wait a minute.

You're not a guest, are you?

Uh, more like a hostage.

Uh-oh. She is a guest.
Later.

Give me a hand, will you?

Oh, man, I'm getting too old
for this. Heh.

Yeah, a woman your age
should have her own crap table.

Uh, tell me something,

does the owner know
about this little game?

Old Blood 'n Guts?

No, he's too busy
gluing ashtrays

to the nightstands.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, am I hallucinating

or, I mean,
is this room a knockout?

It sure is. Heh.

That's why
I take my naps here.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Oh, I'm Tessie,
the head housekeeper.

I'm Mona,
old Blood 'n Guts' sister.

Oh, yeah,
I see the resemblance.

Tell me, Tessie,
are there more rooms like this?

Yeah, but not in this hotel.

Then why is this suite
so elegant?

Well, that Mr. Ratcliff,
he was the former owner,

he was a real
Don Juan Capistrano.

[CHUCKLING]

He used to keep
his main squeeze here.

Ooh, that sounds juicy.

Yeah. Heh.

Oh.
Then you're gonna love this.

[TESSIE GIGGLING]

I found her diary. Heh.

And it tells everything.

[GIGGLING]

We always knew
when they were up here

because the chandelier
in the lobby used to quiver.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

A diary, huh?
Heh.

Well...

you mind
if I take a look at this?

Well, all right,
but I want it back.

I was thinking of selling it
to Judith Krantz.

Everything but a trapeze.
Heh.

March 29th.

[WHISTLING]

Room service!

Coming.

Hi, Mrs. Robinson.

I'm Eddie, the bellhop.

Uh, doesn't the waiter
usually bring room service?

You're right.
I'm also Eddie, the waiter.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

See, your brother figured

he'd give me the chance

to learn as many jobs
as I could at one time.

Gosh, that man
has so much knowledge.

Yes, he's full of it. Heh.
Mm.

Yeah.

Oh.
Heh.

Here you go, Eddie.
This is for you.

Five bucks?

That's the biggest tip
I ever got.

Are you sure
you're his sister?

Don't you see
the resemblance?

[SCOFFS]
No way.

Here's another buck.

[CHUCKLES]

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Well, I'd love to chat,

but I have to get to work.
Oh.

Thank you, Eddie.

Thank you, Mrs. Robinson.

You're the best.

Mrs. Robinson?
I'm Jim Ratcliff.

Oh. Well, come in.

[CHUCKLES]

And, uh, call me Mona.

Mona.

What a nice name.

Old-fashioned

but it's got a hint
of excitement. Heh.

That's me.
Jane Austen in a hot tub. Heh.

Thank you for coming
on such short notice.

Well, it's nice to visit
my old hotel.

I bet this room
brings back memories.

How can I help you?

Okay, now, here's the deal.

You sold my brother a business
he does not know how to run.

Now, I want you
to buy it back.

Or you will leave me
with no choice

but to show your wife this.

By the way, my compliments.

Thank you.

It beats a rowing machine.

Champagne?

Well, I don't usually indulge
in the afternoon.

Ha!

[HUMMING]

If you're gonna do it,
do it right.

So, what do you think
of my little scam?

Great execution.

The only problem
is my wife already knows.

Aw, rats.

It was even in the tabloids.

Hotel tycoon attacked
by wife

as nude mistress
hangs from ledge.

Was that you?
Mm.

They always use
the worst picture, don't they?

My wife left me
right after that.

And my nude mistress did
too.

So I'm afraid
this extortion thing

is just a no-go.

Sorry, Mona.

Well, that's all right.

It was my first blackmail.

And you were very gentle.

And you're a charming woman.

Maybe there's some way
I can help.

Really?

All right, what are you
doing here, Ratcliff?

Well, he was doing very well
till you showed up.

What's the matter, Rockwell?

Are you afraid
I'm gonna steal an ashtray?

Well, go ahead and try.

All right,
get out of my hotel.

Oh, you're talking
pretty big

for a guy who's in hock
up to his eyebrows.

In hock?

You're already late
on your first payment.

Late?

You'll get your money,
don't worry.

I don't have to worry.

I can foreclose
any time I want.

Foreclose?

Now you're really
getting me mad.

Cornelius, this man
is trying to help us.

Oh, I know how he helps.

Yes, but not with my sister,
you don't.

All right, out.

[CHUCKLING]

Well,
let me show you the door.

Get your hands off me.

Ah.

Don't push me.

Hey.

Nobody pushes me.

Don't touch me.

Hey, come on.

Oh! Oh, my goodness.

[CORNELIUS MUMBLING]

I'm sorry, Mona,

but if he ever reenlists,
call me.

Oh.
Oh, Ugh.

Cornelius,
you are such a handful.

Here, sit down here. Sit.

Let me take a look at that.
Mm. Mm.

Ah.
Ugh.

Mona. You know I have a low
pain threshold.

More like a low brain
threshold.

I'm sorry that this visit
didn't work out.

I'm sorry that I invested
your money without asking.

But I am not sorry
that bought this hotel.

This represents
a whole new chapter in my life.

Does it have to be
chapter 11?

Look, all you see
are torn carpets,

dingy drapes,
and a broken elevator.

Don't forget the sprinklers
in 310

that go off
when you flush in 412.

Well,
you can't rush these things.

You can if you're in 412.
Uh...

It's on the list.

I know, I know,
it's a long list,

but this hotel used to be great.
Argh.

And it could be great again.

Look at this.

This is a picture
of the Nottingham

when she was young
and beautiful.

Look, they had cotillions,
and ba*ls, tea dances.

This was the finest hotel
in town.

Oh, look,

there's a string quartet
in the lobby.

Oh, that man certainly
has a nice fiddle.

Oh, don't be naughty.

Cornelius,

really it wasn't
such a bad visit.

You were very sweet
to invite me down. Hmm.

And this room is charming.
Heh.

Don't worry about the money.

You'll pay me back someday.

Or else.

Oh. Mm.

Here, here, hold that there.

All right.

Now, just sit here
and try to stop bleeding,

and I'll get you some ice.
Okay.

Don't worry.

You'll think of something,
hmm?

Just keep your chin up.

[SIGHS]

[CORNELIUS SNIFFLES]

[♪♪♪]

[GRUNTING]

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

Mona. Hi.
Oh, there you are.

Hello, Kitty.

Uh, could you send a bucket
of ice up to my suite?

Sure.
Are you having a party?

Hardly. Heh.

You know,
in a twisted kind of way,

I'm gonna miss this place.

You're not leaving, are you?

Well, I was only meant
to be here for the weekend.

I know, but I was thinking
you might wanna stick around.

I kind of saw you
as the Great Red Hope.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

And, you know, Mona,

I think your brother feels
the same way.

Oh, come on.
He'll be glad to be rid of me.

I don't think so.

I could have booked your suite
for the rest of the month,

but he wouldn't let me.

Do you mean
that that old cheapskate

would do that for me?

It's amazing, isn't it?

[BOTH LAUGH]

You know, Kitty,
I might need a little favor.

Do you have any plans
for this evening?

No. Oh, but you've got to swear
you won't tell Don.

[CHUCKLES]

[♪♪♪]

Up and at 'em, Flyboy,


Gonna lay around in bed
all day? Come on.

What's going on here?

We need you downstairs.

Come on. March.

I'm-- I got--
I'm in my jammies.

Oh, hut, hut.
Hut, two, three, four.

[PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC]

[CORNELIUS GASPS]

Well, what do you think
of the old girl now?

It looks
just like the picture.

[MONA CHUCKLES]

[GASPS]

Great uniforms.

[CHUCKLES]

How did you do all this?

This friend of mine in Jersey
is an interior decorator,

and a Teamster.

It was Mrs. Robinson's idea,
but we all pitched in.

You are such a suck-up.

Well, you can send it all back
because I-- I can't pay for it.

No, no,
I paid for it, Cornelius.

It is not going to cost
you a nickel.

Why?

Why did you do this?

Because you wouldn't.

And, uh,
if we're going to succeed

in the hotel business,

we have got to do it right.

We?

That's right. We.

A girl has got to protect
her investment, hasn't she?

Look, you've got my money,
so now you've got me. Heh.

Oh, Mona.

Well, ahem,

there may be room
for a silent partner

in this establishment.

Me? Silent?

No way. Heh.

That's what I thought.

MONA:
Hmm...

So?

So? So what?

So do we have a deal
or what?

Deal.

ALL:
Yeah!

All right.

Come on, bro, let's boogie.

No, no. No, no, no,

we're not gonna boogie
in this lobby.

I'm not gonna scuff up
these floors.

Stop the music!

Now, everyone disperse
and return to your stations.

We have a hotel to
run.

CHEF: Right away, Mr. Robinson.
TESSIE: Yes, sir.

Okay, guys, hit it.

[PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC]

CORNELIUS:
Mona!

I know what you're doing.

♪