04x02 - Big Girl On Campus

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

♪ There's a time for love
And a time for livin' ♪

♪ So take a chance
And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road
And a road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times ♪

♪ I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail ♪

♪ And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path you take
And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is up to you
My friend ♪

♪ Nights are long
But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life ♪

♪ Brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

I don't know why
I read the paper.

Everything's so depressing.

It's acid rain, government
scandal, Central America.

Oh, you think that's bad.

Mr. Dithers is
about to fire Dagwood.

Mr. Dithers,
is he still alive?

Yes.

He must be over 100.

Yeah. And not a wrinkle.

You want some more coffee?

Oh, I'll get it.

No, no. This is your day off.

I wouldn't think of interrupting
your mindless pursuits.

Oh, well, thank you, Angela.

You're welcome, Tony.

Well, let me make myself
comfy here, huh?

Ooh, boy.
This Brenda Starr,

she's a looker.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

SAMANTHA: I'll get it!

Oh, good.

Hi!
Ooh!
Ooh!

Major textiles.

Nice pearl accents.

Très preppie.

It should be great,
you know what it cost me?

Practically nothing.

So, what's
the big news?

Tell us! Tell us!

Later. Come on.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What later?
What--? What news?

It's no biggie, Dad.
I'm just going to the library.

Decked out like that?

It's a study date.

With who, Calvin Klein?

Samantha, since when
do you go on study dates?

Dad. I'm a high school
freshman now.

My time is very limited.

I have to combine activities
whenever I can.

Oh, good, good. You could smile
when you take out the garbage.

You have to take out
the garbage?

Our housekeeper
does that.

Whoops.
Sorry, Mr. Micelli.

Okay, Sam, who is this
young scholar, anyway?

Why haven't you
mentioned this before?

And how come
I haven't met him?

Can we continue this
in the kitchen, please?

Oh, I'd be delighted.
Excuse us.

Why can't parents just give
you money and leave you alone?

Yeah.

Dad, do you have
to cross-examine me

in front of my friends?

Oh, no, I can do it anywhere.

This sounds like
a father-daughter moment.

Maybe we should
leave them alone.

No, please stay.
I need all the help I can get.

Well, I don't know
what the issue is,

but I'm with you,
sister.

Aw, sure, go ahead.
All of youse g*ng up on me.

It's the only chance
I've got.

Dad, look,
if you haven't noticed,

I'm growing up.

Yeah, yeah, I noticed.

Any chance I could
talk you out of that?

Dad, I'm in high school now,
and I need more independence.

You can't ask me
about every little thing.

You're right.
Who is this guy?

He's someone
you don't know.

Well,
why don't I know him?

Because I don't know him
too well, either.

How can you go out
with a guy you barely know?

Well, I--

[MUTTERS]

I don't know about this.
I mean, we had an agreement.

Before you go out with them,
I get to meet them.

Come on, Dad.
Loosen up.

Yeah, Dad.
Chill out, man.

[MUTTERS]

I think what Samantha
and Mother are trying to say

is that every young girl
needs a little privacy.

I mean,
what's the problem

if you know
who she's gonna be with,

where she's going,
and what time she's coming back?

Mason, library, 5:30.

Oh.

I guess.

[WOMEN CHEER]

All right!

Right on!

Dad, and please,
no more third degree, okay?

Okay.

[GROANING]

Tony,
you're growling again.

College?

Shh!

Does your dad know
you're dating a college man?

Honey, my father
treats me as an adult.

I don't have to account
for my every move.

Wow...

So... What's his name?
How'd you meet him?

Where? Come on,
give us the deets.

His name is Mason, and I met him
at the mall in the bookstore.

What were you doing
in a bookstore?

Getting change
to use the phone.

Does he know
you're in high school?

Sure he does,
but he doesn't mind.

I mean, chronologically,
I'm almost 15,

but emotionally,
I'm at least 16.

And since girls
mature faster than boys,

my 16 is like
being in college.

So even though
I'm in high school...I'm not.

So does that mean we'll see you
in school tomorrow or what?

When do we get
to meet this guy?

Meet him?
Uh, well, he's kind of busy.

Well, doesn't
he have some free time?

Sure, but even
his free time is busy.

You know how it is in college.

Oh, yeah.

Come on, guys.
Walk me to the bus.

[HUMMING]

SAMANTHA: Hey, bye, Dad.

Okay, Samantha, look,
have a good time,

and don't
strain your eyes.

Oh, Julie,
that reminds me.

I gotta give your mother
that recipe for

Grandma's
eggplant parmesan.

But Dad,
I've gotta go.

Go ahead,
I'll catch up with you.

Bye-bye. Bye. Bye.
Bye!
Bye!

So Julia...

Sam's got
a hot date, huh?

Oh, yeah.
He's really hot.

[BOTH GIGGLING]

How hot?

Well, he's--

Wait a minute.

I know what you're trying
to do, Mr. Micelli,

but it won't work.

Oh, you're sharp,
Julia.

Ooh, are you sharp.
Wow.

You know, we can use
people like you in the CIA,

and I think they do.

Um, let's see.
Where is that recipe?

Let's see. Um...
Oh, hey, but, Julia,

not for nothing, you mean
to tell me you're not gonna

go down
and check this guy out?

Nah. You need ID.

ID? No, I-- I don't think you
need ID to get in the library.

Sure you do.

No, no.
No, you don't.

Sometimes you do.

Oh, like when?

Like when it's a college.

Aha!

Oh, no.
I'm dog meat.

We work well
together, Julia.

Uh...Samantha,

I-- I reserved a table
off in the corner

where it's quiet
and we can be alone.

Alone?

You know, Mason, it's hard
for me to concentrate

when it's too quiet.

Let's just stay out here
where the action is.

Whatever you say.

Thank you.

So how do you like
my library?

Nice.

Lots of books.

Actually, the section
on thermonuclear physics

is pretty thin.

Serious bummage.

Good word!

You know, you certainly
have your finger

on the pulse
of American slang.

I try.

You know, Sam, I've been
thinking a lot about today.

Me too.

Hey, where do
the cheerleaders sit?

I love your mind!

You come at the world
from such an interesting angle.

Thanks.

So?

Where do they sit?

Oh, I'm sorry. The cheerleaders
don't come here.

Only the football players.

Football players?

Here?

Sure, they come to see me.

It's a symbiotic
relationship.

I help them
pass their courses.

They let me use
their weight room.

But I guess
that's kind of obvious.

Oh, yeah.

Well, since this
is a study date,

I guess we should study.

Right.

I need some periodicals.
I have to get an article

on fiber optics
and superconductivity.

Hey, see if they have
a copy of Vogue.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, there.

Hi.

Skeeter?
Skeeter Barnes?

How'd you recognize me
out of uniform?

I read...

about you
on the sports page.

[CHUCKLES]
Uh, where's Mason?

He's supposed to tutor me
in Marriage and Family.

You know, if I flunk,

they're gonna make me
give back the Mercedes.

You're kidding. Heh.

Boy, life just
isn't fair.

Tell me about it.
Like this Sunday.

I blocked this punt, you know.

I scoop it up,
I take the ball

the length of the field
for a touchdown.

They call it back?

They don't put my picture
in the paper.

Wow. This is great.

Jock talk with
Skeeter Barnes.

Wait until
I tell my friends.

I'm gonna check 'em out.

Okay.

Excuse me, sir.

Yeah.

Are you a student?

No. No. Never was.

Good athlete, though.

Um, I'm looking
for my daughter.

She's got brown hair, brown eyes
and a beautiful smile.

Well,
that narrows it down

to 50 percent
of the girls on campus.

Yeah, yeah.
Well, I tell you what.

Picture me in a dress,
only younger and smaller.

Oh, her.

The reading room.

Oh, by the way,

you do have
a beautiful smile.

Oh, thanks. I use a whitener
and a brightener.

Careful!
Person here.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

It's just that my daughter's
on a study date with some guy.

When I find him,
I'm gonna wring his neck.

What does
your daughter look like?

Like that.

Oh, no.

What?

Nothing.

I break the tackle,
I head around the outside here.

It's beautiful. I was wide open.

You...

ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

Oh, no!

I can't believe it.
How did you know I was here?

I have my ways.

Julia is dog meat.

Do you have any idea
how old she is,

you cradle robber?

Dad, you've got it
all wrong.

I've got it all wrong? Let me
tell you something, Mason,

she's nothing but a freshman
in high school! She's a kid!

Will you listen to me?

Hey, pal,

you're messing up my story
about the three broken tackles.

And I ain't Mason.

Oh.

Skeeter.

Word gets around.

That's what I've been
trying to tell you.

Okay, okay. If he's not Mason,
that's all right.

I'm not leaving this
and nobody else is leaving

until I find this Mason guy.
Where is he?

Thanks, everybody.

You're Mason?

How do you do?

TONY: What are you doing there?

[WAILS]
Losing my grip.

Samantha,
he can't be over 15.

I can
if you let me live.

What are you
doing in college?

Majoring in
Abnormal Psychology,

minoring in
Kinetic Physics.

Well, what are you
doing in college?

I'm being humiliated
by my father.

Hey, Samantha,
you come back here!

How could you
do this to me?

Sa--

So Mason,
how are your grades?

One more level
and this will be

the highest house of cards
ever built.

You think I can do it,
Grandma?

No way.

Mother, that is a terrible way
to talk to a child.

Haven't you heard
of positive reinforcement?

Are you getting
a double chin?

Hi.

Don't slam the door!

Well...

look who is here.

The spy who came in
from the library.

I guess Sam is back.

And she told us everything.

And you ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

If you weren't the cook,

I would send you to your room
with no dinner.

Well, sure, sure.
Go ahead.

Take her side in this.

She probably blew it
out of proportion.

What did she tell you?

She said
you stormed in there,

you yelled at
a star football player,

you pulled a young innocent
boy off a ladder,

and called her a kid
in front of the entire library.

Oh, no way, no way.
That kid fell off the ladder.

I didn't pull him.

Well, that changes
everything.

Let me just tell
you something.

A college library is
no place for a 14 year old.

Almost 15.

I don't care
if she's almost 16.

And anyway, all she had to do
was level with me, you know?

I am not
an unreasonable father.

Ha!

I am a very
open-minded parent.

Double ha!

Don't make a draft!

You know what
the funny thing about this is?

I'll tell you what
the funny thing is.

I like this kid.
I mean, hey,

he's innocent,
he's awkward, he's shy.

Everything I'm looking for
in a guy.

Isn't this
a bitter irony?

He's your type.
He's Sam's type.

Sam's type?
What makes you think that?

Tony, all the signs
are there.

The new sweater,
the new skirt, the pearls.

She came back
brokenhearted.

I'm telling you,
she's hurting.

The first cut
is the deepest.

Angela,
things are bad enough

without quoting
Rod Stewart.

All right, all right.

Sorry.

I broke her heart.

I'm gonna have to
go mend it.

It's not gonna be easy.

How can you mend
a broken heart?

Now the Bee Gees,
Angela?

What is this,
Name That Tune?

I'm sorry.
I'll let it be.

Where are you going?

Well, it's not too late yet.
I'm gonna go find Mason

and get those two kids
back together again.

♪ How can you mend... ♪

Don't slam the door!

♪ A broken heart ♪

Grandma, I did it!
I did it!

Yes, Jonathan?

[♪♪♪]

Is my father gone?

Yeah, he is.

Come on down here.

Come here.

How are you feeling?

Ah...

Well?

Angela, I've got
major father problems.

[STAMMERING]

I know the feeling.

You do?

I thought
it was your mother.

Yeah, that too.

Sam, when I was
about your age,

my father was
very protective of me.

And when I had my first
high school dance,

he didn't
trust my date,

so he volunteered
to be a chaperone.

Oh, Angela,
that's so embarrassing.

No, embarrassing was when
everyone was doing the frug,

and my father
started a conga line.

I can't believe it.

You actually did
the frug?

That's not really
the point of the story, Sam.

The point is,

sometimes...

Sometimes fathers
have a hard time

letting their little girls
grow up.

Tell me about it.

So you got
to be patient,

and you got to give him-- You
got to give him room to grow.

You know, he's never had
a 14-year-old daughter before.

Almost 15.

Yeah.

And remember, honey,

whatever crazy thing
he does,

he does it
because he loves you.

Just like my father
loved me.

Angela, you're making it hard
for me to stay mad.

I'm sorry about that.

And I know something

that's gonna
make it a lot harder.

Do you know where
your father is right now?

At the mall
buying me a new outfit?

No.

No, it's much better
than that.

Yeah?

Yeah.

He's bringing
Mason over here

so you two can
get back together.

What?

Oh, no. I'm dead.

Oh, you mean that's not
what you want?

Angela, Mason is shy,
awkward, and innocent,

everything I'm not
looking for in a guy.

[GASPS]
Oh, dear.

Sam.

You're never gonna guess.

You couldn't find him?

Ah...

[LAUGHS]

Here he is...

Your boy genius
and mine...

Mason Peters.

Hey, babe.

[LAUGHING]

Hey, I taught him that.

Dad, can I speak
to you for a minute?

Any time,
sweetheart.

Hey, you stay
right here, Mase, huh?

We're on
a first-syllable basis.

So Mase...

I, uh...

I understand
you're majoring in Psychology.

That must really prepare you

for life's
little setbacks.

Not really. Not when
you're as vulnerable as I am.

Oh.

Dad, what
is he doing here?

Well, look, honey,
I thought about it,

and I realized
that I went crazy again,

and I made a minor scene.

This is my way
of saying I'm sorry.

You really blew it.

Huh?

Dad,
I don't like Mason.

I mean,
not in that way.

Well, what were
you doing with him

in the library then?

I wanted to see what
the college scene was like.

The college scene?

Sweetheart, you just got
into the high school scene.

What's the rush?

Dad, you don't understand.

Yeah-- Yes, I do.
I understand.

I mean, you wanted
to feel grown-up.

I wanted to feel grown-up
when I was a kid.

Oh, Dad, please, not another
"when I was a kid" story.

All right, all right.

What, Angela told you
about the conga line?

Samantha, you know,
being a kid is a special time.

You really
got to enjoy it.

Because before you know it,

you'll be telling your own kid
"when I was a kid" stories.

Never. I'll just smack them
around. It'll be a lot kinder.

Speaking of kindness,

there's a shy,
awkward kid out there

who thinks
you really like him.

What's gonna happen when
he finds out you don't?

You're right.

I didn't think of that.

Well...

you're just gonna
have to tell him

that you won't let me
date a college guy.

Oh, well, sorry, Sam,

but this is one you're gonna
have to handle yourself.

Okay...

I'll tell him that you won't
let me date a college guy.

Heh, heh.
That's not good enough, Sam.

You know,
being grown-up

is more than
wearing preppy clothes

and sneaking
into libraries.

I mean...

It's got to do with
not using people,

and-and being upfront
with people

and a lot of other things

we're gonna talk about
when you're 28.

But, hey...

if you want me to
treat you like a grown-up...

this is a good chance
for you to act like one.

[SIGHS]

And it's interesting.

Even though Pavlov
is given most of the credit,

you know, theory of
behavioral conditioning,

you've really
got to tip your hat

to Harlow
and his monkeys.

Amazing.

I never knew
that side of it.

Angela,
would you mind if--?

Not at all.

Uh...

I'm looking so forward
to reading your thesis.

Excuse me.

Lovely woman.

She didn't understand
a word I said.

Uh...

Mason, I don't know
how to tell you this.

You don't have to.

Your dad filled me in.

I'm crazy about you too.

Oh, right. He's right
in the next room.

Mason, there might have been
a slight misunderstanding here.

Sometimes people
go out with people

for the wrong reasons.

Am I getting dumped?

Mason,
you're a genius.

You don't want someone
without a high school diploma.

Yep, I'm getting dumped.

I knew I should have
taken you to the Yale library.

Actually,
that wouldn't have mattered.

Mason, I did something
not very nice.

I went out with you because
you're in college...

and I wanted
to hang out there

to impress my friends
and feel grown-up.

I didn't stop to think that
you might get hurt.

Mason, say something.

I'm hurt.

Anything but that.

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

Is there anything
I could do

to make you feel better?

Nah.

Yeah.

Come with me
to my homecoming dance.

It would be great
to walk in there

with a babe like you
on my arm.

But then
you'd be using me.

Yeah.

Okay.

If my dad lets me.

Okay, Dad,
you can come out now.

How's it going?

Great. I'm going to
the homecoming dance with Mason,

if that's okay with you.

That means
you didn't tell--

Yes, she dumped me,
Mr. Micelli,

but she did it
with such panache.

She gets that from me,
you know.

So can I go without
a parental chaperone?

How about parental
transportation to and from?

That's the best deal
you're gonna get.

I'll take it.

Oh, good.
Oh, my girl.

Oh, Mason, oh.

Oh, isn't this nice?

Friends, father,
daughter,

me.

ANGELA:
Come on. It will be fun.

MONA:
Oh, no way, Angela.

SAMANTHA:
This is so embarrassing.

JONATHAN:
Please don't make us.

TONY:
I thought you hated this.

ANGELA:
Okay, everybody.

ALL:
One, two, three, la conga!

One, two, three, la conga!

One, two, three,
la conga!

One, two, three, la conga!

[♪♪♪]