05x22 - Tony Does Golf

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Singer: ♪ there's a time for
love and a time for livin' ♪

♪ so take a chance
and face the wind ♪

♪ an open road and
a road that's hidden ♪

♪ a brand-new life
around the bend ♪

♪ there were times ♪

♪ i lost a dream or two ♪

♪ found the trail ♪

♪ and at the end was you ♪

♪ there's a path you take
and a path not taken ♪

♪ the choice is
up to you, my friend ♪

♪ nights are long
but you might awaken ♪

♪ to a brand-new life ♪

♪ brand-new life ♪

♪ a brand-new life
around the bend ♪

Mother, I thought we were
going to the club tonight

For the charity dinner.
Why aren't you dressed?

I decided not to go.

Why you didn't tell me?

I decided not
to tell you.

I paid $50
for your ticket.

I sold it for a 100.

Uh, you'll be dining
with ed strohmeier of new haven.

Mother, how did you get him
to pay $100 for the ticket?

I told him
you were loose.

h*!

The golf meister
is home.

What is it with you?

You have spent
every spare minute

On the golf course
lately.

Well, mona.
There's nothing like it.

You swing a little stick
and try to hit a little ball.

And make it go
into a little hole.

And then do
a little curse

When that little sucker
doesn't go in.

God, what a great sport.

Well, good night.
Good night?
It's only 8:30.

I know, I know,
but you know,

I tee off at the crack of dawn.

And that means I have to be up

About an hour before the crack.

Why don't you play golf
at a decent hour?

Angela, angela,
it's a public golf course.

Do you know what I mean?
Public.

That means
first come, first serve.

And I don't want
to get stuck

Behind the tannenbaum
sisters.

Muriel keeps
trying to get me

In the sand trap.

Fore!

Well, ed strohmeier
of new haven.

You better be cute.

Tony.

Tony.

What are you doing?

I'm giving tony

Something he's wanted
for a long time.

May I watch?

Oh.

He's sleeping
so peacefully.

Tony?

Tony, wake up.
What? Why, what?

Tony, I have something for you.

I don't want it.

That sounds all too familiar,
doesn't it, dear?

Here.

What? What?

One membership
to the longridge country club.

That's nice, angela.

Tony!

It has a world-class
golf course.

Angela, I love you.

I knew this was
a good seat.

Oh. Oh, boy. Angela.

So, you see.
Now, you don't have to get up

At the crack of dawn
to play at the public course.

Angela, this is
a very exclusive club.

Yeah. When I saw
that it was first prize

At the raffle tonight,
I bought 30 tickets.

Just for you.
Oh, well,
thank you so much.

I'm so happy.

I'll be hobnobbing
with the elite

And the wealthy there.

You know,
doctors, lawyers,

Jaguar mechanics.

You are moving up
in the world.

You no longer
have to play

With dave the barber
and ray the butcher.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I didn't think of that.

I mean, we did have some fun.

Me, dave, and ray.

Tony, you can invite them
to the club to play with you.

Are you kidding?

I don't want them slugs
embarrassing me.

Oh, wow.

Hi.

Oh, baby.

Oh, good.
You're finally here.

Yeah.
Okay. Soaps, towels,

Colognes, hair dryers,
combs,

But first,
let's clean the sinks.

Wait, wait, wait.
Clean the sinks?

Is this the way you treat
all new members?

New member?
I'm so sorry.

You see, I'm waiting for
my assistant to show,
and I thought--

No, no, no.
You didn't think.

No, I didn't.

You know, I love
bullying the help.

Anyway--
no, I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding.
I'm just role-playing.

Oh, I get it. You're the guy
who won the raffle.

That's me.
And I am here to play golf.

So, could you show me
my locker, please?

Okay.
Here we are.

Oh, wait a minute.
Minelli?

No, it's not minelli.
It's micelli.

Minelli, micelli.

What's the difference?
You got in for free.

I'll have that
fixed for you, sir.

Thank you.

Uh-huh.

Not bad, huh?
Minelli, micelli.

Oh. Hiya.

Tony micelli,
new member.

Nice to meet you.

The guy that won
the raffle, right?

Uh, yeah. Well,
there goes the country club.

No, no. Welcome aboard.

Sidney caldwell.

Oh, well, pleasure
to meet you, sidney.

Maybe we can play
some time, huh?

Yeah. Right.

So far, the sink guy's
the high point.

Hi.

You're new here,
aren't you?

Yeah.
I'm the raffle guy.

Minelli.

Are you
any relation to--

Yeah.
I'm judy's other kid.

Uh, no, no.

It's, uh, it's micelli. Tony.

That's a misprint.

Oh, lowell michaels.

Welcome to the club.

Well, thanks, lowell.
Thank you.

Hey, lowell, wow.

That's some set
of golf clubs.

You must be
some serious golfer.

Well, let me put it this way--

When I die,

I want my ashes
put in a golf bag.

That's serious.

You play much?

Uh, well, I just
started playing again.

But I worked myself back
with 10 handicap.

I'm impressed.

Speaking of impressed,

I can't believe I'm here.

You know,
when I was a kid,

I used to have
to jump the fence

To get into
the country club.

Me, too.
No.

Yeah.
Yeah, we were so poor,

I used to collect
lost golf ba*ls.

Me, too.
No.

Yeah, I used
to sell them

Back to the pro shop
for 25 cents a dozen.

You, too?

Actually, I sold them
right back to the players,

Cut out the middleman,
I made a bucket a dozen.

That's how I started
in the sporting goods business.

Me, too.
Really?

No, but we were
on such a good roll.

Hey, lowell.

Where's jim?
I don't know,

I think, it's just gonna
be the three of us.

Well, we got a fourth
right here.

Right, tony?

Oh, well, shucks.
Guys, I don't know.

You know, I'm new around here.
I don't want to impose.

And you guys have probably
been playing together for years.

Can I drive the cart?

Yeah.

Does, uh,
sid usually drive?

Oh, good.

I'm hungry.
When's dinner gonna be ready?

Jonathan,

Your whining
is making my teeth itch.

You're stirring too much.
Is it done yet?

Yes, it is done.

Oh, you can't tell
like that.

You have to throw it
against a dull surface

To see if it sticks.

Angela, mona,
dinner's ready!

h*, h*, h*.

Angela: h*, h*.
How's the old duffer?

Tony: oh, the old duffer's--

The old duffer is a--
is a happy duffer,

He's a grateful duffer
and you know why?

'Cause he's got
the most thoughtful boss

In the whole wide world.

Oh, tony.

You're right.

So, how was your first day
at the club?

Oh, angela.

I played my best golf
in my whole life,

And I made
a new friend.

Oh, is he in your grade?

Is his desk next to yours?

No, but
his locker is.

And guess what,
angela.

He invited me
to be his partner

In the founder's
tournament this sunday.

So, it would the first trophy

I don't have
to chip in for myself.

Tony, tell me
about your new buddy.

What's his name?
His name is lowell michaels.

Lowell michaels?
Yeah, yeah.

Oh, a handsome,
distinguished man?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Why, you know him?

No, but I want to.

Me first.
Me first.

Tony he owns the biggest
sporting goods company

In the country.

The biggest?

Sheesh. And to think
it all started

With stolen
golf ba*ls.

He's looking
for a new advertising agency.

Everyone in town is after him
including me.

Boy, if I can get
the inside track

On that account, I'd--

I'd like to wish you both
good luck in the tournament.

Gee, angela, you know,
I'd introduce you,

But I met--i barely know him.
Tony, tony.

Don't give it
a second thought.

I was just
thinking out loud.

Okay. Angela,
well, I think

I'll go upstairs
and practice my putts.

Cut out
the middleman.

I could have
been a conglomerate.

Angela,
I can't believe you.

The key to a 40-million
dollar account is upstairs

And you let your conscience
get in the way?

Didn't you learn
anything from me?

Mother,
that would be using my friend.

You bet.

Angela, you just lost
two major accounts.

You could certainly use
the business.

We are doing okay.

Mother, I appreciate you
being a concerned employee

But what's the worse
than can happen?

I don't know.

Maybe, some of us
wouldn't get us

Larger christmas bonus.

Excuse me?

Come on.

Dinner's getting cold.

Tony: it all comes down
to the last hole

With the meisters.

Jack nicklaus
and lee trevino

Are already in the clubhouse
awaiting the outcome

Of micelli's game.

If micelli
sinks this putt,

He will win $250,000

And a trophy he does not
have to chip in for.

Oh.

Ah, well.
Who needs $250,000 anyway?

I'd just blow it
on plaid pants.

Hi there.

Well.
Welcome to augusta.

So, wasn't it
wonderful of angela

To give you
that membership?

Oh, mona,
she's the best.

So, have you thought about

How are you going to thank her?

Oh, yeah, well,
I was thinking about
getting her some flowers.

Oh, flowers are nice,
but they die.

So, why not give her

The gift that keeps on giving,

Like a $40 million account?

Oh, come on, mona.
I just met lowell.

I don't want him to think
I'm taking advantage of him.

Tony, it's done all the time.

How do you think
sears met roebuck,

Baskin met robbins,

Abbott and costello
met frankenstein?

Come on, mona,
what, on a golf course?

Tony...

Look, angela is too proud
to say anything,

But lately,
business has been going...

How shall I say?

Vroom.

Pfft.

Really, mona? I didn't--
I didn't know that.

Well, let me put it
this way, tony.

If things
don't get better soon...

There may not
be a christmas.

Oh, gee, I had no idea
it was that bad.

I mean, I'd love
to help angela,

But I just met lowell,
I don't want him

To think I'm trying
to move in on him so fast.

I mean,
and besides, you know,

He was the only guy
at that club

That put himself
out for me.

And another thing--
he is a friend.

Oh?

And angela
isn't your friend?

Oh.

That was the worst round
I've had in two years.

That was the worst round
I had in two years.

So, between the two of us,

That's the worst round
we've had in four years.

You know, lowell.

You know, it's not
whether you win or lose,

But how you play
the game.

But, god, I hate to lose.

I hate losing worse.

You're right.
You're a worse loser than me.

Hey, guys,
collection time.

Oh.
Oh.

Hey, a-plus game, fellas.

Yeah, yeah.
Heck of a round there, pete.

Heck of a round.
Hey, by the way, pete,

You know, you have
a really sweet swing.

What is your secret?

I inherited $20 million

And I have nothing to do
with my time but practice.

I should have
done that.

Tomorrow,
same time, same tee,

Same humiliation.

Wouldn't miss it
for the world, huh?

All right,
we'll get them tomorrow.

Right.
Okay.

Uh...

Lowell, um...

I have something
that I maybe, uh,

You know,
sort of want to ask you.

Yeah. What's up?

Well, I usually don't do this

But, um,
see I have this friend

And she's a good friend--

Man: uh, excuse me.

Mr. Michaels?

Yeah. My name
is wally malone.

My company handles
a wide variety

Of accounting software
for large corporations.

Mr. Malone,
call me at my office.

And see, this is my
recreation time

And I make it a point

Never to mix business
and pleasure.

All right, all right.

But I think,
as long as we're both here,

We might have a shot--

Look,
can I make it clearer?

I don't do business
at the club.

Sorry.

Now, what is it you wanted
to ask me, tony?

Oh. No-no-nothing.

Never--never mind,
lowell.

Mona: and angela isn't your
friend, friend, friend...

Uh, lowell.

Look, i--i--i...

I feel funny doing this,
but you see,

I have this friend,
friend, friend--

Um...

Angela bower,
and, uh...

And she owns
the bower agency.

And I'm not being biased here,

But she's the best advertising
executive on the block.

So, what I was thinking
is maybe I could put

A meeting together
between you and--

And you don't like
to talk business at the club.

Getting your friend
this meeting

Really means a lot
to you, doesn't it?

Oh, yeah, well, it does.

Let's do it.
Tuesday, 2:30.

You--you mean it?

Yeah, yeah.
Really?

Lowell,
you are the great--

You're all right, man.

And now, look,
about the tournament--

You know, I was thinking.

I think,
I'll get some new shoes.

You know,
because all the guys

They have the ones
with the tassels.

You know,
I like the way the tass--

What? What?

Tony, you just heard me say
that I never like

To mix business
and pleasure, right?

Uh-huh.

You and I
just did business.

Uh-huh.

Well, let's keep it
purely on that basis.

Uh-huh.
Lowell: yeah.

I'd feel
more comfortable

With another partner
for the tournament.

Oh, but wait a minute.
Lowell--

Got to go.

Mona: hey, angela.

I think, I have cracked
the problem

Of the christmas bonus.

Look, if we cut down

On typing paper
and white out

And eliminate
the art department

And you take
a 20 percent cut in pay,

We can have one hell
of a noel.

Well, mother.
Why don't I just

Fire all the other employees

And give you their salaries?

Wow!

This is got to be
the best christmas ever.

Angela: well,
it's the golf meister.

Hi.

What's the matter?

Nervous about
the tourney tomorrow?

There is no tourney
tomorrow.

I did something
I knew I shouldn't have.

You told
that stupid joke

About the pig
with the wooden leg?

No, mona.
Worse than that.

I listened to you.

No. The pig joke
is worse.

Mother,
what did you do?

She convinced me
to talk to lowell

About getting you
that meeting.

Which I did,
he said tuesday--2:30.

He did?

♪ noel, noel ♪

♪ noel, no-- ♪

Then he said,
he didn't want me

To be his partner
in the tournament.

Oh, no.

Yeah. So, now...

Now I got no friend.
I got no tournament.

I'm a man without
a country club.

Oh, tony,
I'm so sorry.

Ah, it's all right.

Hey, there's plenty
other guys

I could hang out with,
you know.

I think, I'll go see if jonathan
wants to do something.

He's out
with a friend.

Oh.

Well, uh...
Samantha!

She's out, too.

Oh. Well, then I guess,

It's just me and my mtv.

I didn't have
the heart to tell him

The cable was out.

Uh...

Hi, lowell.

Hey, look, lowell,
I didn't sleep much last night.

I just want
to tell you that

I'm sorry I crossed
over the line yesterday.

That's okay, tony.

And I don't blame you
for dropping me.

That's okay, tony. Yeah.

I mean, you were the only guy
who was nice to me

In a place where I felt
so out of place, you know.

That's enough, tony.

And I didn't give you
half the respect

You have given me, you know.

Damn!

Why do you have to be
such a nice guy?

Well, I can't help it.

I'm just lovable.

I wasn't--i wasn't
honest with you.

I dropped you because
peter's a better golfer,

And I wanted to win
that tournament.

I just used
that business

About business
and pleasure

To weasel out of it.

Well, that's great.

What's great?

You're a bigger
creep than me.

Excuse me.

Wait a minute.

Aren't you
ed strohmeier's chick?

Ed?

Oh, ed, from
the charity dinner.

Uh, no. Well, actually,
we're just good friends.

Man: that's right.

Say, you're the one who gave
tony micelli the membership.

So then,
you're his babe?

Not exactly. I'm here
to speak to lowell michaels.

Boy, do you get around.

Any chance for me?

One in a bizillion.

Great!

I thought
I had no chance.

Could you get
lowell michaels?

I really need
to speak to him.

Sure.

Boy, that was a lousy thing

He did to your friend, tony.

Dropping him
for that other guy.

Dropping him
for what?

Well, I heard that lowell
really wants to...

So the farmer says,

"When a pig's that good,

You don't want to eat him
all at once."

That joke
works every time.

Lowell michaels,

I have a bone
to pick with you.

Angela, angela,
what are you doing in here?

Sparing you further
humiliation, tony.

And what--and what a fine job
you're doing, angela.

Uh, she's
a building inspector.

Did you
or did you not

Dump tony
for another man?

If you mean
peter, yes.

Angela, please!

Tony,
he didn't dump you

Because you talked business.

He used that as an excuse
to get a better golf partner.

Angela.
Tony, please.

You don't care
about my friend.

You only care
about yourself.

Well, you know
something, pal?

I don't care about you

Or your $40 million account.

In fact,
I wouldn't take it

If you got down on your knees
and begged!

How do you like
them apples?

Angela, lowell told me
why he dropped me,

He apologized,
and I'm okay with it.

So tuesday, 2:30
is still good?

I wouldn't
dare say no.

Bye.
Bye, lowell.

Oh, my god.

I'm such a fool.

I can't believe
what I just did.

Angela, I can't believe
what you just did either.

You--wait a minute.

You just risked
a $40 million account for me.

It was worth it.

Gee, angela, i...

I feel terrific.

And but, angela,
the next time

You want to spare me
some humiliation,

I mean, word to the
wise, you know,

Get your
facts straight,

And think
before you speak,

And try not to do it
in a room full of naked men.

Man: who's the boss?
will be back in a moment.

stick around.

Tony: once again, we're
at the last hole of the masters.

Micelli is one putt away
from golf immortality.

A hush falls
over the crowd.

Hush!

Oh, so, tony,
how was your game today?

Oh, it was good, angela.
It was good.

And I made a new friend--

This guy derek.
He's a jaguar mechanic.

Derek? Derek is not
just a jaguar mechanic.

He is the best
jaguar mechanic.

Tony, do you think that maybe
you could talk to him--

[Theme music playing]