06x25 - Sit Down and Be Counted

[bunniefuu]

[Theme music playing]

Singer:
♪ there's a time for love ♪

♪ and a time for livin' ♪

♪ so take a chance
and face the wind ♪

♪ an open road and
a road that's hidden ♪

♪ a brand-new life
around the bend ♪

♪ there were times ♪

♪ i lost a dream or two ♪

♪ found the trail ♪

♪ and at the end was you ♪

♪ there's a path you take
and a path not taken ♪

♪ the choice is
up to you, my friend ♪

♪ nights are long
but you might awaken ♪

♪ to a brand-new life ♪

♪ brand-new life ♪

♪ a brand-new life
around the bend ♪

[Humming]

Come on, angela,
let's go. We gotta move!

Come on.
Wait, tony, tony.

All right tony,
calm down.
Come on.

There's an 1 1/2 hours
before the movie starts.

We have plenty of time.
What are you talking about?

By the time we park, get in the
line for tickets, get popcorn,

Then go back because
you forgot your jujubes--

Then you're gonna say,

Uh-oh. "Got to go
to the ladies' room.

Tiny bladder.
Tee hee."

And then--then--
all right, all right.

If I'm such a liability,

Maybe you should go
without me.

See you.
Oh, come on.

I want to go
to the movies!

All right, all right.
But I'm warning you,

I am not changing
my change seats

Because you think the people
in front of us people smell.

[Doorbell chimes]

Hey, wait! Don't touch
that door.

Tony.

Hi.
Hi.

Hank sloan,
u.s. Census bureau.

Angela bower,

Caucasian
divorced female,



Born october 16, 19--

State your business.

Uh, well...

Uh, there's
some confusion

With your census
questionnaire.

Hey look, pal,
we don't mean to be rude.

But this woman's
gotta get to a john

At the cineplex.

But I made an appointment
with your sister.

My sister?

Yeah. Mona robinson,

Caucasian female,
born may 18, 1967.

'67?

Oh, mona!

Flower child!

Oh...hello.

Did you fill out
our census form?

I was bored.

I couldn't find
sunday crossword puzzle.

Well, this is great.
Now look, I'm telling you.

If I miss that cartoon
with them lil dancing hot dogs

That sing ♪ let's all go
to the lobby ♪

I'm gonna be one
upset housekeeper.

Wait. You're
the housekeeper?

Yeah,
I'm the housekeeper.

Tony micelli,
caucasian male,

Born april 23rd, 1952.

It says you're
"the nuclear physicist

Brother-in-law."

Well, I told you.
I was bored.

Put down "housekeeper."
Talk to mona.

Come on, angela, let's go.
We got to go.

I'm confused!
I'm confused.

Uh...excuse me.

What exactly
is the relationship

Between those two?

How much time
have you got?

We better see
the next show.

Yeah, let's stay.
Okay.

Okay...first things
first.

Mrs. Robinson,
what is your real age?

What did I put down
there?

"23." Hmm.

You're right.
I was wrong.

I inverted it.

Please, we need
accurate information.

That's as accurate
as you'll get.

I mean, spiritually
and emotionally,

She's but a child.

You should see
the stud-muffins I date.

Well,
here they all are--

The moral majority.

Mother, isn't it
a little late.

Where have
you been?

Well, gee, I'm sorry,
mrs. Bower,

I, uh,
ran out of gas.

Aw, come on.

You can think of one
better than that.

How about
a flat tire?

If you were going to be late,
young man

The least you could
have done was call.

Well, I didn't know
I had a curfew.

Well, it is
a school night.

What are you
going to do, angela?

Ground her?

I should be
very annoyed

With all of you
for waiting up,

But I'm not,

Because I want to share
something with you.

I've been pinned!

Where's the pin?

My pin!

It was
on my sweater.

Did you drop it?
Oh, my gosh.

I found it!

Fascinating story.

But I still need to know
your real age.

Oh, hey. Yo, hey.
Heck, give it up.

Better men than you
have tried and failed.

Maybe
we should move on

To the nuclear
physicist/housekeeper snafu.

Hey, that's simple.
Six years ago,

I decided to brighten
angela's empty life

By agreeing
to be her housekeeper.

Empty?
Yeah.

My social life
was hardly empty, mister.

As I recall,
our first night together

Was pretty crowded.

Ooh.

I may not be great
in the kitchen,

But I certainly make up for it
in the board room.

I'm not bored.

Oh!
Ohh.

Connecticut klutz
strikes again.

Here, let me help.
Sorry.

No! No, don't touch it,
you'll cut yourself.

Here, we
get the dustpan.

This is good china.

I know.

I care enough to break
the very best.

Hey, hey, hey,
what's going on here?

Get up.
Tony!

Don't, tony!
He's my date!

Your date?

I thought you were
getting attacked.

What are you doing,
rolling around on the floor?

We weren't rolling
on the floor.

We were picking up
a broken plate.

Both of you?

It was
a big plate.

Angela, who is this?

Well, grant, you're not
gonna believe this,

But, uh, this is
my new housekeeper.

Housekeeper?

Uh...

Angela, this is the ugliest
woman I've ever seen.

Hey, hey, hey.
Who is this bozo?

Tony, this bozo
is my boss.

Your boss?

I thought they chased
you around your desk,

Not around
your stove.

I don't find that
very amusing.

And I don't have
to explain my behaviour

To a male
mary poppins.

Mary poppins, huh?

You're lucky
I liked that movie.

Grant,
behave yourself!

Don't tell me
to behave myself.

Talk to
conan the barbarian here.

Now, that movie
I hated!

Don't!
That's enough.

Tony,
go to your room.

Angela!
Tony, go to your room.

I don't wanna go!
Grant, go to your cab.

Angela!
Grant, go to your cab!

Tony,
go to your room!

I'm going.
I'm going.

Grant, I'm very sorry
about this.

Well, we'll talk
about the weekend

At the office tomorrow.

Well, look on
the bright side.

You just saved fortune
on cab fare.

Great. That makes two meters
that got turned off early.

Bye, grant.

I knew it.

I knew this wasn't
going to work out.

Hey, no problem.

We just got
our signals crossed.

I'll cross your signal.

You have just intruded
on a personal moment

With someone I happened
to like a lot.

From now on,
if you're tempted to butt in,

Please butt out!

Well, next time
I see somebody

Crawling all over you
on the floor

I'll know that's how you
entertain friends.

Oh, I think we better
continue this discussion

In the morning.
Right now, I am so angry,

I could strangle you.

Let's go to bed.
Right!

Let me
get this straight.

You two both
sleep upstairs?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Separately.

Across the hall.
Behind locked doors.

Never the twain
shall meet.

As I recall,

Your twains met once.

Angela.

Angela.

Yo, angela!
Oh!

What is it?
What's the matter?

I had a bad dreams.
Can I sleep with you?

Oh, yeah. Sure, honey.
Come on, climb in.

Well, sa--sam...

Sam--samantha,
honey, honey...

You want to...

Might as well
go sleep in her room.

Ohh.

[Snoring]

Tony...

Huh?
Tony...

Watch out
for the credit card.

No, watch out.

What is it?
What's the matter?

Samantha
had a nightmare.

I think she wants you
to sleep with her.

Oh, yeah?

I better go check on her.
Okay.

You go ahead get some
sleep, jonathan.

I'll go see
how she is.

Sam, honey, it's me.

I'm here, babe.

It's all right,
sweetheart.

It's okay.

It's all right.

[Snoring]

Good morning, tony.

Good morning,
angela.

It's a good story,
isn't it?

Yes.

Well, hey, hey, hey.

These things happen.

A lot.

Rub-a-dub-dub,
dearie.

The federal government
doesn't need to know

About the bubble bath incident.

The bubble bath
incident!

That's even better one
than the one
I was thinking about!

♪ hi-h* ♪

♪ hi-h* ♪

♪ it's off
to bathe, I go ♪

♪ going down the path
with my bubble bath ♪

♪ hi-h* ♪

♪ hi-h*, hi-h*, hi-h* ♪

♪ hi-h*, hi ♪

Holy smoke!

I didn't see a thing!

I'm telling you.

The reflection off
the bubbles blinded me.

Those weren't bubbles.

Could we get back
to the questionnaire, please?

Okay.

Tony, you're obviously
more than a housekeeper,

But you are not
a boarder, a roommate,

Or a house pet.

What are you?

Well, once he was
a door prize.

Oh h* h*.
Remember that?

Hey, I like
this one, hank.

[Cheering]

Ladies,
here's your chance

To let a man
do the dirty work.

What's the first bid?

$1.75.

$1.75,
I'll give you $1.75.

Check this out.
Both of them.

All right. A buck!

$20!

All right!
That's more like it.

$30.

$30?

That'll buy five
beds of petunias.

Going once--

$40.

$40.

Wait a minute, angela.

What are you doing?
I work for you all the time.

I know, but
I love petunias.

$50.
$60.

$70.
$80.

$80?

We'll be able to buy
rose bushes, too!

$90.

$100.

$100?

A new pickton
avenue record!

[Cheering]

Do I hear 110?

$1,000.

I didn't hear 110.

$1,000.

Forget neighbourhood
beautification.

We can
all afford to move.

Any other bids?

Angela,
I am your mother.

I know
what's best for you.

Buy him.

Aha!

Then you
are her mother!

You're her mother!

You're her mother.

Curses.

All right, all right.
Well, that settles that, huh?

I think we still have time
to make it to the movie.

Just one more thing.
What's that?

Questions 2 through 33.

Well, would you excuse me
for a minute?

I'm just going
to the bathroom.

Small bladder.

Tee-hee.

All right,
were on the last page?

We better be.

Question h-30.

"How would you
describe this building?"

It's a house.
Look around you.

Tony, please.

The man's just
trying to do his job.

I want to go
to the movies.

Why won't he
let me go to the movies?

H-32. "Which fuel is used
most for heating this dwelling?"

Well, the best way
to explain that

Is to tell him about
a party we went to.

♪ regrets ♪

♪ i've had a few ♪

Oh, excuse me, would you
hand me a napkin, please?

Hey what's the matter,
your arm broke...

Oh, my god,
it's you!

Here, have
the whole stack.

Thanks very much.

Some idiot dropped
a drink all over my coat.

Oh, wait mr. Sinatra,
wait, don't do that.

The trick is to use
a little club soda,

And you pat, you don't
rub didn't you?

There you are, sir.

It might shrink.
Be careful.

I'm sorry.

Oh, mr. Sinatra...

Besides i--i
seen all your movies.

I've seen
every tv show--

You know,
our town, 1955.



I know every song you ever
recorded by heart--

Intonations,
everything.

But there's always
been one question

I've been dying
to ask you.

What?

How does it feel to be
worshiped and adored

By millions and
millions of women?

Nice.

I knew it!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Do you...

See what I see?

I don't believe it.

Oh! Girls, uh...

Frank, this is
angela and mona.

Oh, it's an honor.
Mr. Sinatra.
How do you do?

How do you do?

Ring-a-ding-ding.

What does frank sinatra
have to do with home fuel?

Nothing.

But didn't I look great
in that red dress?

Okay, last question.

"Have the two nonmarried
consenting adults

"In this household

"Ever experienced
the carnal knowledge

Of each other?"

The federal government
wants to know that?

No, I do.

You may not
believe this,

But I'm not a full-time
census taker.

I'm a writer
about to happen,

And I find you
inspiring.

Well, I'm a guy
about to go to the movies,

And I find you
tiring.

Come on angela, we got some
time to make that movie

If you don't
slow us down.

I'll drop you off
at the ticket booth.

Will you be
stopping the car?

Maybe.

I was over the line
with that last question.

No. Sit.

I'll give you something
to write about.

A few years
back,

The girls took angela
out for her birthday.

And she came home...

A little tipsy.

I just remembered what
I told wendy about you.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

I said that you were...

Okay.

Ah...

Angela cut that out.
You think that's funny?

Hey, hey,
have some flour.

Have some flour!

Whoa...

Oh!

So what happened?

He carried her upstairs,
he put her in bed.

Yeah, yeah?

And she passed out
cold.

Oh--oh!

They were this close.

Oh...

Poof.

You know, it sounds like those
two got it bad for each other.

Yeah. But you'll never
get them to admit it--

At least not while
they're conscious.

Tony,
I want you to know

An appendectomy
is a routine procedure,

But, as with
any major surgery,

There's always the chance
of death.

Who picked
this hospital?

Don't worry.

I'm going to be here
when it's all over.

I mean when they
wheel you out...

Alive and fine.

Okay angela, if anything
should happen to me--

Nothing's going
to happen to you.

I know--i know.
But if anything does--

Hold it, hold it.

If anything does, I just want
you to take care of sam.

Oh, tony.

I mean, you've been
real good to her.

You've been
important to her

Like when she needed
a woman around her,

Or helping her
grow up,

Or helping me
let her grow up.

I wouldn't have made it through
puberty without you angela.

Oh, tony.

I'd be honored
to take care of samantha.

Thanks, angela.

And angela, I love you.

What?

Wait. Wait.
Wait a minute.

What did he say?

What did you say?
Tony. Tony, wake up.

Ma'am, it doesn't matter to me,

But he might enjoy
surgery more if he slept.

You're probably
right. Shh.

Man: did angela ever tell
tony how she felt?

Mona: she told everybody.

but she was asleep
at the time, too.

Angela: tony.

Tony.

Listen to me.

We're listening.

All right--all right
come on now.

She's probably just having
a bad dream.

Angela: ha ha ha ha.

Doesn't sound
so bad to me.

Okay, okay. Come on,
let's go back to bed.

Come on let's go.

Come on the excitement's
over. Break it up. Come on.

Angela: tony, I love you.

Pancakes for breakfast?

They are so weird.

Ah, but weird is grist
for the writer's mill.

You know, if I ever use them
in a novel,

I'm going to get them
together at the end

Because they seem
so right for each other.

Oh, dry up.

Oh admit it.
It was your fault.

Sure. Sure.
It's always my fault.

Oh, excuse me. But we'd be
sitting right down in the movie

If you hadn't gotten
on the wrong line.

So sh**t me.

Oh h* h* h* h*.

Now, how was
I supposed to know

That it was the ticket
holders' line?

Because they were all
standing there

Holding their big blue
tickets.

Well, you know what?
You know what?

I don't wanna go to the movies
with you anymore.

What's the difference?
We don't get in anyway.

Well, maybe they'll
kiss and make up

When they're
unconscious.

I'll keep you posted.

Well maybe we could talk
about it some more over dinner.

Someplace nice.

So you could wear
that red dress.

You little
census taker, you.

I'll change.

I got a couple more things
to do. I'll be right back.

Hey, angela,

How about
I make some popcorn

And we rent
the way we were?

Angela: sounds perfect.

Great. Great.

Angela: tony.

I know, I know.
Not too much butter.

♪ memories ♪

♪ like the corners
of my mind ♪

Tony: who's the boss
will be back in a moment.
Stick around.

Man: coming this fall on abc
you'll laugh yourself silly.

when you meet hank
the housekeeper.

Andrea: hank, how could you
barge in on me

when I'm taking a bubble bath.

Hank: andrea, I swear,
all I saw were your bubbles.

Man: tuesdays at 8:00,


[Theme music playing]