04x09 - Cole on Ice

[bunniefuu]

All right, I'm not trying to look like la toya.

All right, I'm not trying to look like la toya.

You don't know who you sweatin'!

Me and martin are boys. Ask him.

He snuck in back.

Should I call security?

No, he's cool.

That's right. Back up off me.

Back up and stab that way.

That dude take his job a little too seriously.

He act like he you.

He ain't no star.

Hey, hey, he's doing his job,

Just like you're supposed to be doing yours,

So whazzup?

Took the day off, came to support my boy.

Yeah?

Yeah.

You sure that's cool?

You can't afford to lose no job.

Man, please. I'm way smarter than my boss.

I called in sick today,

Told him I had the -hour walking ebola.

If he believes that, they should fire him.

You going to kick it backstage or in the audience?

I think I'll kick it in the audience.

I saw a thick honey.

I saw baby, too.

She was so big, she was sitting next to everybody.

Whwh

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah, yeawhazzup!♪

♪ I'm the man ♪

Tin ♪♪

Captioning made possible by warner bros.

Welcome to word on the street.

I'm your host martin payne.

Today's topic--

"Parents who are more down than their kids."

Let's meet the duke family.

[Applause]

Hi. I'm daisy.

Hello. I'm luke.

And these are their parents ma and pa duke.

What up, money grip?

What's happening, home skillet?

Look, y'all are more down than your kids.

Whazzup with that?

When me and ma had these kids,

We didn't think they was going to turn out

To be straight-up suckers.

They don't like snoop, wu-tang, biggie,

None of them.

They straight busters.

What a minute. Whoa.

Don't you think you're being hard on them?

That's how we feel.

We think our parents should be listening

To chubby checker or johnny mathis,

People like that.

Ain't nobody trying to listen to them lyrics.

How are you supposed to tootsie roll off some johnny mathis?

Go, ma duke!

It's your birthday!

Go, ma duke!

It's your birthday!

Go, ma duke!

It's your birthday!

Go, ma duke...

Ma duke, hey. Hey.

Ma duke, come on.

Over there.

Sit down.

Move on.

I'm going to be chilling

Right here in the audience, ma duke.

See there?

We can't take them anywhere

Without them embarrassing us.

Y'all be embarrassing us, too,

Sittin' over there,

Looking like you straight out ofhappy days.

What about the way you were dancing all wild with that...man?

I don't mind if my g parties with somebody else.

Word up, 'cause me and my shorty, we down like that.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Got a question.

We're not ready to go to the audience.

Come on. Let me ask my question.

All right. Make it quick, man.

Ahem. This is for the parents.

Excuse me. Who your favorite rapper?

Well, you know, l.l. Is hot as hell,

Kool mo dee's all right with me,

And wu-tang be doing that thang.

Let me ask them another question.

Naw, no more questions.

We got to go to the phones.

Caller, who do you want to talk to,

The parents or the kids?

Neither. I want to talk to the fool in the audience

Asking all the stupid questions.

Fool? Oh, he mean me.

Go ahead. This is me, caller.

Yeah, cole, this is your boss mr. Proctor.

I just called to tell you you're fired.

I really appreciate you giving me this side job.

Brother got bills to pay.

I'm just sorry you got fired.

It ain't your fault.

I'm just worried about my boss.

I don't think he going to give me no recommendation.

I'm worried nobody else going to hire me.

Cole, somebody will hire you.

I mean, you're kind of...smart,

And you, uh, you don't look for trouble.

Trouble just kind of finds you.

I'm just glad I got friends like you that got my back.

You, tommy, and pam--

You came through for a brother.

I ain't going to let y'all down.

That's what friends are for.

O.k. You say you want the ceiling fan in the bathroom?

The bedroom, cole, the bedroom.

Make a left, cole.

Left, cole! Left!

Uhh!

Where's cole?

I'm going to k*ll him.

Cole!

What's wrong with you?

I hired that fool to drain my waterbed,

And now I've got an indoor pool.

Maybe it wasn't his fault.

He used a knife, gina.

You wouldn't believe what cole did this time.

Yes, I would.

Where is forrest chump?

[Coughing]

Cole, I paid you to wash my car...

Uh-huh.

You yanked out my damn radio.

Let me see that.

"Jenson ma..."

Ha. Oh, damn. My bad.

I thought it was a pullout.

No wonder it got all them wires hanging out.

Ha ha ha ha.

Cole, come here. I'm sorry, y'all.

You put up my ceiling fan already?

I was till the fire broke out.

That's why I came out choking.

Sparks flying everywhere.

What fire?

Don't worry about it.

Your bed ain't burning no more.

Cole!

[Everyone shouting]

Hey! h*!

What the hell is going on here?

I'm about to put him in a hospital.

He can't go in a hospital.

He doesn't have any benefits. He got fired, remember?

And he been messing up ever since.

So it's like that?

That's cool.

I thought y'all was my peeps.

Y'all ain't going to have cole

To kick around no more.

Why'd y'all do a brother like that?

Martin, we have done the best we can for that brother.

Now it's your turn.

Why y'all looking at me?

I didn't get him fired.

He was on your show.

Ain't nobody tell him to be tootsie rolling with ma duke.

Look, that's your boy.

You gots to get that brother a job.

Something simple where he won't be tearing up stuff.

Didn't you say you needed somebody

To help you at the station?

I said help me out,

Not put me out of business.

It doesn't take a genius to work in tv.

I mean, look at you.

And it doesn't take a genius

To catch a frisbee in your mouth,

Now, does it, queenie?

Uhh! Uhh! Uhh!

Pam, let him go!

Think about my waterbed!

No, don't!

Get off me, pam.

Get off me.

Say please!

Say please!

[Gina] pam!

Look at my waterbed!

Get off of him.

Martin...

Get off me.

You got to help that brother out.

His heart is in the right place.

His mind's just somewhere else.

It will be a cold day in hell

Before cole works for me.

I know it's cold outside,

But I want you to take these boxes to the dumpster.

No, man. All of them.

Every one of them, man.

O.k. Got it.

Look, thanks for getting me a job.

I promise you I won't let you down.

I got your back.

Just do your job like you're supposed to,

Use your best judgment,

And, hey, it's all good

'Cause, cole, when I blow up...

Ba-boom!

You blow up.

You hear that, brother?

O.k.

Hey, cole...

Get to that dumpster.

O.k.

"'Cause when I blow up, you blow up."

Excuse me. Yo, g.

Yeah, you, slim. Come here.

Come here, man.

Do you know who I am?

I'm cole, martin's new assistant.

What I want you to do

Is take these bo--

Put your hands out.

Take these boxes

And put them in the dumpster.

And do a good job, o.k.? 'Cause, uh...

When I blow up...

Ba-boom!

You blow up, all right?

Ha ha!

You hear me?

Hey, buddy, hey...

Get to the dumpster.

Elvin...

What is the holdup?

Why hasn't the show started?

I got big things riding on this.

We got to get moving.

You looking for me?

Hey.

What's happening, sir charles?

So glad you could make it.

I'm glad to be here.

I think your show is fly.

Thank you.

What did you bring me?

An autographed ball? A jersey?

I know. A championship ring.

My bad. I meant to say all-star ring.

When we get on the air,

You're not going to talk

About my personal business, are you?

No. I don't get into all that.

Let me ask you about the nike commercials.

How much they paying you?

I was thinking about getting me one.

I can't get you one, but I brought you something.

Oh, damn!

To the all-star game?

Front-row seats.

Are you going to be playing or watching it with me?

Naw, just messing with you.

Oh. Oh.

I'm messing with you, too.

Those are tickets to last year's game.

Oh, damn!

So, sir charles got jokes in him.

You a comedian now.

I'll tell you what,

My assistant cole, he going to take care of you.

We going to treat you like royalty.

Anything else would be uncivilized.

I got to make sure they get this show running.

Excuse me. Let's go, guys.

Let's move it.

Hey! I said no pork!

Hey, what you guys doing?

Hope you're looking through the want ads

'Cause if martin catches you lounging,

You're going to be unemployed!

Woof!

Excuse me. Are you cole? I'm charles barkley.

Great. Want a biscuit?

If you want somebody all over your jock,

I ain't the one. I work for martin.

I just wanted to give you a clip from my movie.

Don't nobody want to hear about no movie.

Look, people want scandal,

Dirt, the real sir charles.

Know what I mean?

Martin said we wouldn't talk about my personal business.

Hee hee hee. He told you that?

Well, look, charles, if you come on martin's show,

You're getting clowned.

Oh, is that right?

Well, you tell martin to find himself another sucker.

Well, go on, then, charles, beat it.

Fast break out of here!

Yeah, baby, we going to have a bad show.

Did you take care of sir charles?

Yeah. I told him to get to steppin'.

Stop playing.

You ain't tell no sir charles to get to steppin'.

I told him he had to roll.

Don't worry. I still got us a guest.

I booked the rapping chihuahuas again.

Arf.

Arf. Arf.

You booked the rapping chihuahuas?

I'm about to wrap my foot around your neck.

That was sir charles!

That was sir charles!

Why would you blow it?

This is an emergency.

We had charles barkley booked on the show,

And I lost him.

Tell stoney jackson I'll give him anything he wants.

What do you mean he's not available?

What about the kid who played michael ongood times?

The boy was singing and everything.

Damn. Everybody's busy, man?

Come on, man. I was--let me go.

We found him, martin.

Where was he?

The bathroom stall.

Actually trying to flush himself down the toilet.

He's cool. He's cool.

Man, come on. I bench press, too.

I know you're mad.

Look, I'm beyond mad, cole.

When the show's over, so is your job.

I know I messed up, but things ain't that bad.

It ain't that bad?

Cole, man, this is a talk show.

I don't have nobody to talk to, cole.

True, but don't stress.

I got us into this. I can get us out.

If you really want to make a difference, cole,

Step.

I guess this would be a bad time

To talk about that raise.

[Telephone rings]

Boy, you'd better hope this is stoney jackson.

Hello.

Stoney!

Whoa!

Whazzup, man?

We was just trying to get a--

Tell stoney to call me.

Man, please.

All right,

I hope y'all enjoying the show.

I want to thank the brother who just left the stage.

Give it up for stoney jackson.

One more time. Stoney jackson.

All right, martin! You the main baby!

You're bigger than montel, dawg!

Ain't no other show got stoney!

Yeah. Right on.

Well, you're going to love my next guest.

How many of y'all like ice cube?

Well, ice cube ain't here.

But it's all good.

We got somebody just as fly.

I want y'all to give it up for the world-renowned...

Ice pick, the rapping chihuahua.

Hustleman--

No, you're talking about my uncle byron.

I'm a dog trainer, chief.

Look, hustleman, we're on live tv.

Let me get a shout

Out to the rest of the hustle family.

What's up, hustlemom and my little hustlettes?

Daddy love you. Be home soon.

I hear ice pick just got off tour.

No, we just did the hot new remix

For k.c. And the sunshine band.

We still ain't get paid for that yet.

We want our money, k.c.

Pick just got out of lockdown.

He had that little domestic dispute.

A domestic dispute? Whazzup with that?

This little poodle he living with

Be bugging out on him.

O.k., Well, what's ice pick going to do for us today?

He's going to do his latest release.

The way he's sniffing around stage,

He better not release nothing onstage.

O.k. Let's see what he got.

[Rap music plays]

Kick it, pick. Come on, pick.

Go, pick.

Go, pick.

Go, pick.

Go, pick.

Go, pick.

Go, pick.

Go, pick.

Go, pick.

Go, pick.

Hey, hustleman...

Damn dog ain't doing nothing.

Don't panic. You know what I'm saying?

We just flew in from thesoul trainawards.

He got a little pet lag.

I don't know about you--

Talk to the dog.

I know they ain't paying us no real money,

But you got to do something.

It's either this or back to the dog pound.

Please. The damn dog couldn't wrap a gift.

What's up with the dog?

I admit, he is fronting,

But if you give me a minute,

I got a c*ck in the car

That can pop lock better than rerun.

Look, just take your nonrapping chihuahua

And please leave the stage.

How about a flea that can moonwalk?

Take the nonrapping chihuahua and roll.

We still getting paid, right?

Man, just...

Now, step.

Well, that's our show for today.

Tune in tomorrow if we're still here.

I'm martin payne saying...

I don't know. Peace, y'all.

Hey, whazzup, y'all?

You're just in time to get one of my new business cards.

"Cole brown... The man...

Assistant to martin payne."

I hope you didn't pay for these yet.

Nope, and I'm glad I didn't

Because I got to change that to "cole, superproducer."

If I were you, I'd get to packing.

sh**t. I ain't worried.

Once martin sees them ratings,

He'll calm down.

Cole, what show were you watching, baby?

The chihuahua didn't do jack.

You don't know martin like I know martin.

When he comes through the door,

He gots to give me my props.

sh**t.

Whazzup, marty-mar? Whazzup?

What are you still doing here?

I'm getting ready for tomorrow's show.

You should get ready for the meeting.

I told you he was going to be cool.

What meeting?

The meeting between my foot and your a*s.

Wait a minute. Now, maybe we should go.

Look, cole, don't worry about it.

If you can't find any work,

I'll put in a good word for you at my job.

You ain't got no job, man!

[Everyone shouting]

Out of everything you've done to me,

This has got to be the worst.

How can you do this?

I'm supposed to be your boy.

I know I messed up, but I got a surprise for you.

The only thing I'm surprised about

Is that I ain't hurt you yet.

That's the only thing I'm surprised about.

That's cool. It's like that, huh?

I'll just go ahead and pack my bags.

I wanted to thank you

For giving me the opportunity to get fired.

Cole, don't try to soft talk your way out of this.

O.k., Fine.

I guess I better call charles barkley back

And tell him not to come tomorrow.

Oh, now you're going to sit here and lie to me?

I'm serious. I got him back.

You got charles barkley back on the show?

Yeah.

Well, if you did, how'd you do it?

No big thing. I just made sir charles a little promise.

What kind of promise?

Welcome toword on the street,

Starring me, charles barkley.

My first guest is the regular host of this show.

Please welcome martin payne.

[Cheering]

Right on.

Whazzup, now?

Whazzup? All right. All right.

Don't take this hosting thing too seriously

'Cause you ain't going to be here that long.

It's only for a week.

Is there anything you want to say to your fans?

Yeah, I'd like to say something to my fans,

Especially a number-one fan of mine.

Cole, I got four words for you--

Un-em-ploy-ment!

Say please.

Aah! Go on.

Come on. Come on.

This is not a good time.

Get off him.

Get off me, your breath!

Get off me. Get off me.

Hey!

Ute