04x17 - Kicked to the Curb

[bunniefuu]

[Knock on door]

Luis, how'd you get here so fast, man?

Usually when I call you to fix something,

It takes you two weeks.

But this time you said the magic words-- mucho dinero.

I said robert deniro.

I wanted to know if you sawcasino.

No, on the phone you saidmucho dinero, amigo.

No comprende.

You've been working on your spanish?

I speak a little something, something.

Eh, el dorado, el camino,

El debarge.

That's french, isn't it?

Is it not?

Sometimes I get confused.

I'm a busy man. I have other people to ignore.

What do you want?

I want the two-bedroom apartment on the fifth floor.

Come on. Me and gina need more space.

That's impossible. So many people want that apartment.

The waiting list is long--when can you move in?

When's it available?

As soon as you can afford the key. Hint, hint.

I can afford the key.

You better be able to afford a cane.

You'll need it when I toss you out that window.

Captioning made possible by warner bros.

Whwh

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah, yeawhazzup!♪

♪ I'm the man ♪

Tin ♪♪

Where are you going? What you packing for?

I told you. Martin is taking me away for the weekend.

Y'all been going away for the past two months

And ain't been nowhere.

Excuse me, but my husband is a professional,

And sometimes things just come up.

The only thing that should come up is his height.

You should get some lifts for his shoes.

Pam, it's different this time, because he promised me, o.k.?

Enough.

Hey, baby.

Baby, what are you packing for?

Gina, are you going somewhere?

Martin, you know we're going away this weekend.

Remember, you promised me?

Oh, right, right.

But, baby, that was this morning.

Gina, things have changed since then.

Oh, come on, martin--

Just like I said-- once a loser, always a loser.

I knew he'd let you down.

Cheer us all up and leave, huh?

Why don't you do that?

Martin, tell her. Tell her before she packs for real.

Tommy, man, please. I got this.

That's my wife, o.k.?

Please mind your baldheaded scoopy business.

All right, excuse me.

Whoo!

Gina, baby?

Yeah?

We're moving on up.

What are you talking about?

Gina, I got us a bigger place, baby.

You got us a house?

Even better. I got us a two-bedroom apartment upstairs, gina.

Oh. Well, martin, that's nice, too.

Can we afford that?

Gina, baby, that's the best part.

Not only can we afford it,

But I got us a bigger apartment,

And we get paid, too.

Ooh! Well, all right!

Gina, you got yourself a real estate mogul there-- donald stump.

Ha ha ha ha.

Pam, that's enough, thank you.

Martin, just tell me what's going on, please.

No, excuse me, baby.

Tommy, since you like sniggle and giggle,

Why don't you break it down for gina and cousin "it?"

So now you want me to talk to your wife.

Go on and tell her, head president.

All right, all right.

Basically, look,

Martin is going to sublease this apartment

For more money than you're paying luis for the two-bedroom.

Ooh!

The bottom line is, the man's a genius dawg.

Exactly what did you put in that newspaper ad?

I just made the place sound like it was the b*mb.

You got to hype it up, like don king.

[Knock on door]

That's our first couple.

Remember, put on your game face.

Game face?

Yeah, yeah.

The game face is on.

Hi. Hello.

Hi. We're the livingstons.

I'm fred. This is my wife linda.

Linda's got an mba from usc,

And I've got my ph.d. From m.i.t.

Wow. That's cool,

'Cause we just finished watching tlcon b.e.t.

We just came to see the apartment.

Well, here it is.

You can make the check out to martin payne.

We'd like to look at the place first.

Oh, come on in. Take a look around.

I noticed in your ad you said you had a doorman.

I just opened the door, man.

That's a...joke. Right.

Um, didn't your ad say something about a fountain?

That would be in the bathroom right above the tub.

Uh...ahem.

Didn't your ad also say

Something about a view of the water?

That's right.

Step right over here. Right over here.

Yeah. Ohh!

Uh, now, look out the window.

Tell me what you see.

A busted fire hydrant.

That's right. And when it's sh**ting feet in the air,

Please, it looks like caesar's palace.

Honey, come here a second.

Well, what do you think?

I don't know. It's nothing like the ad said.

But it's close to the university, right?

Right. O.k.

One more thing, martin.

I'm working on a book. I need peace and quiet.

Oh, man, please. Quiet?

O.k., Look. Shh.

I said...shh.

Do you hear that?

No.

Exactly. Not a sound, right?

So, do you want the place or not?

I got people waiting in line.

Mr. Payne, you got yourselves a deal.

All right! Yeah!

O.k...

Come on.

To the left!

You ain't no help, girl. Whoo!

Hey, sir, you can put the livingstons' stuff right in there.

Dang, gina, they're moving their stuff in already.

Y'all ain't even moved out yet.

That's all right. I'm ready to get in this big apartment.

Speaking of which, I'm glad to see you.

Is the apartment ready yet?

I'm glad you asked. Because there's a problem.

What?

Not a big problem.

You didn't get the apartment.

What do you mean?

Are you out of your mind?

Martin gave you a deposit.

But somebody gave me a bigger deposit.

Money talks and bull... Well, you know the rest.

The people who rented our apartment are moving in.

We don't have anywhere to go.

That's all I can do.

Luis!

Hey, luis!

You'll have big problems when my husband gets home!

Yeah!

What are you complaining about?

This ain't that bad.

Man! Man, I can't live like this.

Yeah, I know what you're talking about.

Life's a b*tch when you ain't got cable.

Baby, what the hell's our furniture doing on the street?

Martin, luis gave our apartment away.

What do you mean luis gave our apartment away?

What do you mean what do I mean?

Martin, we're a*s out!

We don't have anyplace to live.

Ohh, gina!

Get off of me!

[Whistling]

Damn!

I thought I had it bad.

Look here, honey, you're going to need this more than me.

Thank you.

Tell you what. I'll trade you my coat for this couch.

Yeah, well, no. On second thought, you keep that couch.

Girl, it's just ugly.

Well, I don't like your funky jacket!

How about that?

Hey.

Martin, baby, did you catch up with luis?

Yeah, I caught up with him.

But he jumped out the fourth floor window, baby.

This is ridiculous. Let's just go to pam's.

Baby, please. I ain't sleeping in no barn.

Besides, we can't leave our stuff here.

The homeless people will take it.

I wouldn't worry about that.

I don't think they like our taste!

O.k., Gina, I'll tell you what.

We can either go to pam's, or we can call mama.

Whoa! I got to stop you there, buddy.

No. You know how she is.

I'd rather freeze to death than have your mama hurt me.

It's too damn cold out here.

You'll be too numb to feel the punch.

Martin, look, this is how it's going to go.

We're not calling your mother, I'm not calling pam.

We're married. We're in this together.

Sit and eat your dinner.

We can't be sitting on the street--

That's how things just go sometimes.

This is, you know...

Got to do what we got to do.

Gina, baby, what is this?

That's dinner. That's a grilled cheese sandwich, martin.

I ain't eating this, baby!

Martin, do you know how long it took me

To melt that cheese with a cigarette lighter?

You're going to eat that sandwich!

All right! All right! O.k.

Hey, baby, look, I need a little hot sauce.

It's over here in the kitchen.

Hey, man, what are you doing on the street?

Your ratings slip?

Go ahead with that, all right?

Wipe your feet when you walk through my living room.

See, now, that's your problem.

You're always in somebody's business.

Your cousin didn't mind when I was up in hers.

She didn't mind 'cause it was for a short time.

Now just bring your peanut head on upstairs

So we can finish unpacking.

Excuse me? Excuse me?

Did you just move into this building?

This morning.

We got that two-bedroom apartment on the fifth floor.

On the fifth floor?

That's supposed to be our apartment.

I gave luis $.

We gave him . We moved right on in.

Rumor has it some suckers-- ha ha ha--

Ended up on the street.

Oh, oh, oh. That would be y'all.

Nice place you got here.

Roomy, plenty of skylight.

Yeah, and I ain't never seen wall-to-wall cement before.

That's different. Bye.

This is a lot of...

Baby, can you believe it?

The bookers got our apartment.

Just calm down. Everything will be o.k.

I'm calming down.

[Tires screeching]

Baby, is that tommy?

That's not his car though.

That sure is tommy.

Tommy!

Tommy!

I said tommy!

Tom--scoopy doo!

Hey, hey, what's up, y'all?

Word on the street is you're on the street.

Where'd you hear that?

Luis. He's at nipsey's buying drinks.

What? Martin, he's buying drinks with our money, baby.

Baby, cool it. I got this. Be cool.

Tommy, give me your car keys.

I can't do that. That's a company car.

Give me the keys, tommy.

If you're having financial problems,

Why didn't you come to me for a loan?

I just got a raise at the job.

You ain't got no job, tommy!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hold on, y'all.

You should be less concerned about my job

And more concerned about

Where you're going to sleep tonight.

Baby, he's right.

Maybe we should go up and beg for our apartment.

Let's just go up, please?

Damn that, gina.

We ain't begging for a damn thing. I got a plan.

I'll go rap to the bookers, o.k.?

Tommy, get your dog whistle.

I need you to call pam.

Now that the paynes' ugly furniture is gone,

This place looks real nice.

Yeah, and it sure is quiet.

I think we made the right decision. Mmm.

Now, where's that skinny heifer

Who's been creepin' with my husband?

Excuse me? You must be mistaken.

We just moved in today.

Oh, and you don't waste no time, do you?

Well, I won't waste no time whipping your behind!

Louise! Louise!

Just calm down, baby.

It's not what you think.

Every time we did it,

She meant less and less to me.

What are they talking about?

I have no idea. I've never seen this man before.

'Cause I gave it to you with the lights out,

Like lionel richie...

All...night... Long.

And I'm about to beat you all...night...long.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Wait. I loves me a jealous woman.

It just turns me on.

Come on, baby.

Honey, there is something very weird going on here.

I'm sure this was a mistake.

It won't happen again. I'll lock the door.

Uh, excuse me?

Uh, who are you?

Who am i? Well, I'm tommy dynamite.

I came here trying to locate one of my honeys.

I don't know what honeys you're looking for,

But they're not here, so leave.

Hold on. What do you mean they're not here?

Look like I see me a new honey.

Hello, miss.

Say, how much do you want for her?

No, this is no honey right here.

This is my wife, o.k.?

She's my honey, right, honey?

She's not going anywhere with you.

I say we let the honey decide.

Now--now you look here, mr. Dynamite,

If you don't leave this very, very minute,

Then I'll call the police.

O.k., O.k., Look, ain't no need getting the man involved.

Let me lay it down for you, fred-dy.

Now, see, we can share her,

Or I can just take her.

See, I can cut you in,

I can cut you out...

Or I can just cut you.

Fred, honey, this is unbelievable.

Oh, no, no, baby,

It happens like this all time around this apartment.

Every day, all day.

Kaboom!

Guess who stepped up in this room?

Yo!

What's up?

What's up, fools?

My peeps call me p-funk.

Y'all are... Martin and gina.

We're not. They don't live in this apartment anymore.

Pssss! Don't play games with me, man.

This ain't no soap opera.

See, the night is young, and I'm getting restless.

I'll hurt somebody. Ha ha ha ha!

Hurt somebody, ha ha ha! Yeah.

Excuse me, what is it you want?

You know damn well what I want. Where's my money?

What money?

Look, look, if I was y'all,

I wouldn't mess with her, 'cause p-funk don't play.

You got that right.

You know her?

Know her? Hell, I works for her.

I would--i'd give her anything she wants,

Because p-funk would turn this bad boy out.

You want some shrimp?

Give me some shrimp.

All right! All right! I've had enough of these shenanigans, o.k.?

Now, if you're looking for money,

You're not going to find it in this apartment.

Yes, I will, 'cause I stashed it myself.

Where's my money?

I ain't leaving without my money.

Yo! Yo! I'll turn this place upside down.

Come on, let's check the bedroom.

This is some good shrimp.

Honey, honey,

This would be a very good time to call .

No, this is a very good time

For us to pack our bags and leave. Get your purse.

[Knock on door]

Honey, security system.

Security system.

Hi-- hi--

What the hell...

Sorry. We just came to welcome you to the building.

A little something to make you feel at home.

We really appreciate that,

But can we talk for a second?

Oh, sure.

Uh, look, uh, martin and gina,

We really don't know how to say this to you,

But we're, uh, we're moving out.

What? We had a deal.

You didn't tell us tommy dynamite and p-funk

Were part of the deal.

Oh, you met tommy dynamite and p-funk?

Don't worry. They're harmless,

As long as you give them what they want.

Tommy dynamite wants my wife.

So, what's the problem?

Look, uh, martin, go ahead and keep the rent check,

But just let us out of our lease.

No, I couldn't do that.

That's against the law.

Well, what if we gave you two months rent, huh?

That's against the law, too. I can't.

Well, o.k., Four months, please?

That's legal!

What do you want us to do with your furniture?

You can keep it. Give her the check.

Let's get our coats. Come on.

Y'all be careful out there.

You look like somebody scared.

Yaaa!

Oh, baby, you are a genius.

You got our apartment back.

That's right, you the man, dawg.

You the man. You the man.

It's time you started thinking like a grownup.

Grow more inches, you'll look like one.

Pam, sit down.

You're looking nice and hard core, girl.

Got to.

That's right. You ain't looked that scary

Since you starred inaliens.

And another thing,

If I see you looking at another woman with them beady eyes, eyes,

I'll snatch them out!

If I got to look at you forever,

Then just pull 'em on out.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

All right, it's over.

The couple is gone.

We got our apartment back.

All right, y'all chill.

Me and my husband fight like this all the time.

I don't know about that, but I'll tell you what,

I can take y'all to dinner

For helping us get our apartment back.

I'm taking you to the nicest restaurant in detroit.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

I just love my new neighbor.

You're good people.

I'll go get my coat.

O.k. It's going to be good food.

I got to admit, we always argue,

But you came through this time.

It ain't nothing but love.

It ain't nothing but love.

Baby, that is really nice of you

Taking our friends out to dinner,

And to a fine restaurant, at that.

Hey, look, gina, hey,

They had our backs, I got their backs.

Gina, I need to ask you something.

What time does the drive-thru at hoochie burger close?

Now, that's trifle.

That's where they're going.