05x03 - Sophomore Jinx

[bunniefuu]

♪ I've got love ♪

♪ On my mind ♪

Hey.

Hey, you.

Good morning.

Morning.

♪ I've got love ♪

♪ On my ♪

Well, baby, I ain't heard you sing like that since last night.

That's because I want the whole neighborhood

To know how much I love my man.

Come on over here, martin.

Yeah?

Get your butt over here.

Mmm. Yeah. That's nice.

Mmm!

Yeah. Yeah. You love me, gina.

You must love me,

Kissing me this early in the morning,

Especially with my breath kicking like jackie chan.

Well, I got more for you.

I know you love me. Know how?

How?

'Cause you all up on me

And I haven't washed my face yet.

Oh, yeah. Well, true that. True that.

I wouldn't mind if you scooped that eye booger

Right off the corner of your eye.

Shut up.

Aw, baby, I'm just playing with you.

You know, that's the dope thing about being married.

We can say anything we want to each other.

You know, I'm glad you feel that way, martin,

Because I've been meaning to ask you.

Could you not switch the pillow

After you've slobbered on yours?

Slobbering? Please, gina.

Yeah. That's ech!

You the one that be slobbering.

That's why every time you wake up, your bottom lip is chapped.

Captwhwhng made possible by warner bros.

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah, yeawhazzup!♪

♪ I'm the man ♪

Tin ♪♪

Mommy. Mommy, wait.

Ok, let me get this straight.

You need a lawyer because you went to the beauty shop,

And they made you look like who?

Coolio?

All right. All right, mommy!

Ok, I know a lawyer: larry h. Darker.

No. He'll fight for you. Really?

Ok, mom. Bye.

Bye.

Hey, baby, who was that?

Martin, that was my mother.

You would not believe what they did to her hair down at the beauty shop.

Gina, what I don't believe

Is how good this breakfast looks, baby.

I mean, for once, the bacon looks like bacon.

The eggs ain't running like michael jackson.

I got it from a restaurant, martin.

I knew something ws up, g.

Yeah.

Tsk! Ah!

What is the problem now, martin?

Gina, you got butter in the jelly.

I'm sorry. Go around the butter!

Whatever, gina.

Whatever.

Always complaining.

What about you?

What about me?

Mr. Always-leaving-stuff- out-of-the-refrigerator.

See, that's where you's wrong, gina.

I don't be leaving stuff out, baby.

Right. Oh, really?

Oh. Ok.

What about this, huh?

You remember? Remember this?

Yeah? What about it? I left that out for you.

I knew you was going to want some.

Oh! Your mother should have named you pinocchio.

Yeah? Why's that?

'Cause that's been sitting out for a week.

Puh!

Yeah. Great, huh?

Ah! Ah!

Yeah!

Oh, that's cold, gina.

Uh-huh.

Yeah. Well, at least I don't snore.

How are you going to get mad at me

For doing something I don't even know I'm doing?

Me and the whole damn building know you're doing it.

You're keeping us up all night, baby.

You know what? I'm not trying to argue with you this morning, ok?

Well, you know what?

Then, as far as I'm concerned, it's quashed.

Fine.

Fine.

[Clacking silverware loudly]

You know what else you do that I can't stand, gina?

What?

Is that you leave empty stuff in the refrigerator.

I may leave stuff out, but at least it's full.

That's it. I'm out of here.

I'm going to work, ok?

Well, go to work.

I'm getting out of here because, at least, they appreciate me.

At least they don't eat with their mouths open.

[Smacking]

Fine, gina, run off to work.

You can't even stay here and have breakfast with me?

Whatever.

Whatever, gina.

It don't make no sense just go and run off.

It get thick, and you go and run out, huh?

Two damn drops of milk, gina?

That's exactly what I'm talking about!

I don't want nothing to eat, man.

Yep. That's right. That's right.

[Sighs]

[Sniffing]

These are good.

I guess it's true what they say.

You can't eat just one.

You got to eat, like, a whole lot of them.

It's like eating a whole potato.

Tv announcer: complete to watkins

And out of bounds at the -yard line.

That'll stop the clock with a minute left...

Man, please! You clipped him!

[Clattering]

[Music plays loudly]

Yeah.

Gina...

Yeah!

I'm trying to watch the game.

Come on, man. Just doing my thing over here.

[Turns off music]

[Turns off television]

Gina, why'd you turn off the game?

Why are you watching tv while I'm trying to read?

Why can't you read in the bedroom?

Why can't you watch tv in the bedroom?!

It's broken.

Well, fix it!

Oh, mama tried to tell me.

What? Excuse me? What? What? What? What was that? Sorry?

I said, "I always loved my mama.

She's my favorite girl." That's what I said.

Uh-huh.

Mama's boy.

Excuse me? I didn't quite get that.

I said...

♪ Mama used to say ♪

♪ Take your time, young man ♪

♪ Mama used to say ♪

♪ Don't you rush to get it on ♪

I know the song, gina.

I'm going to nipsey's.

Puh! Pleh! Puh! Puh!

Oh, girl...

Yeah.

See, now you fighting dirty.

You don't have to bring evander uglyfield into this.

Just get out of my way.

Go on about your business before somebody get hurt over here.

You better get out of my way.

You in my place. I ain't got to step nowhere.

I ain't going to argue with y'all

'Cause there's two of y'all.

Y'all end up calling the cops, then I'm in trouble.

That's right. That's right.

Hey, girl, whazzup?

Hey.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. What's the matter?

Is martin acting his shoe size again?

Pam, I don't know what it is.

We are arguing over the smallest things.

Mmm. You mean like his height?

Come on, pam. I'm serious.

All right.

I don't know what to do.

All right, gina. If you're that serious,

Maybe y'all should get some help.

You know, my aunt and uncle,

They went to see a marriage counselor

When they were having problems.

Wait a minute. Didn't they get a divorce?

Yeah, but at least they're both happy now.

I don't know about this.

I don't think martin is going to come with me to see a shrink.

What difference would it make?

He's already shrunk.

That's not funny.

You forget something, billy flee williams?

Yeah. I forgot how bad my place smells after you've been in it.

You know what, gina?

If I were you, I'd get rid of this g.i. Joke

And get me a full-size man.

Get out of my face. This is not the time.

Step.

All right.

Ok?

I forgot my wallet.

Martin, please, just come back here.

We need to talk. We are having some problems.

What do you mean, "we," gina?

Martin, I'm talking about the arguing,

The nit-picking, the silent treatment.

I think we need some help.

All right. Fine, gina.

I'll have a talk with mama tomorrow.

No! No! No! No! No, you won't.

I'm talking about a marriage counselor, martin.

Marriage couns-- gina, please!

In high school, I didn't even go to my guidance counselor.

Would you please?

Can we just try it?

That's it, gina. No. No, ok?

My mind is made up.

Marty mar ain't going to no counselor.

Ok, mr. Marriage counselor, let's do this

'Cause my meter's running.

Yes, well, first of all,

I'd like to ask both of you...

You're martin payne!

Damn! I mean, I saw your name on the list,

But I didn't know it was really you.

I watch your show every day!

Thank you, doc. Thank you, man!

Excuse me, dr. Slocum,

We're here to talk about some problems

That me and martin are having.

What kind of problems could you possibly have

Being married to the funniest man in america?

Doc, that's what I been trying to tell her, man.

Right now, me and her ain't here.

Yeah?

Gina: you know what, martin?

I don't think dr. Slocum

Is the right counselor for us. No.

Whoa, whoa, gina.

I'm starting to get used to this counselor thing.

Uh, mrs. Payne, you're right.

Let's--let's get down to business.

What exactly seems to be bothering you about your relationship?

Thank you.

Well, first of all, martin has been doing--

Some of the funniest talk show television I have ever seen!

The show you did on the little people's slam-dunk competition--

Ha ha ha!

You know, that partner had hops,

And a lot of people didn't know he had skills

And could play, you know?

When shorty shattered the little tiny backboard--

Oh! Ha ha ha!

Ah! Ah ha ha!

Well, I'm getting out! I'm getting out!

No, no, no, mrs. Payne, please. Wait.

Please wait. Don't leave.

Don't leave until you take a picture of me and my main man martin!

Come on. Yeah.

Gina, I don't know why we're here.

I thought the last brother was cool.

Martin, I had heard that dr. Delgado

Is the guru of all counselors.

Hello? How's everybody doing?

Ok.

Now, how many of you are here

Because you're having marital problems?

Right here. Uh-uh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

What if I could show you how to save your marriage

And make six figures doing it?

Would you like that?

Hell, yeah!

Y'all should say, "hell, yeah,

How you going to get your money?"

Then you need my personal power kit.

Regularly $,

This priceless tool can be available to you today for just .!

That's just $. A day...

For the rest of your life.

Gina, I ain't no accountant,

But partner's math ain't adding up there.

Yeah.

Please. Baby, let's be out of here.

Don't let bucks break up a happy home.

What I tell you, gina?

That counselor was whack.

Baby, all we did was waste time and money.

All right, martin,

But we still have some problems

That we need to work out.

Gina, I ain't got no problem.

Well, if I got a problem, then you got a problem.

If you got a problem with that,

Then we sure enough got a problem.

I wish I had a hearing problem.

I ain't got time for this.

I got to get back to work.

Fine.i got to go

'Cause you got the problem.

No. Go to work.

You run out again. Fine, gina.

Always running out every time we get into a little argument.

What? You can't handle the truth?

There ain't no sense.

Answering machine:

Mrs. Payne, this is attorney larry h. Darker.

Yes! I will take your case.

I'll meet you at your office

This afternoon at :.

We are going to take him to the cleaners!

What?

Mama!

[Mumbling] so she goes...

[Knock on door]

Hey, whazzup? What happened, man?

Yeah. What's going on, man.

I was just in the middle

Of trimming mom's mustache.

Maybe y'all should be sitting for this, man.

Martin, we are sitting.

Well, sit real hard. Sit real heavy, ok?

Come on with it.

Why did you tell us to come over here?

Gina, trying to stick me for my paper.

But...martin...

You ain't got no money.

Don't listen to him, martin! Just tell us what happened.

Gina hired a lawyer.

She planning to divorce me, man.

I can't let her do it, man.

Divorce?

But, wait, come on, man!

Where did you get that idea?

I heard it on the answering machine, man.

Some lawyer tell her he going to take me to the cleaners.

Hey, hey, look, man.

You don't need no lawyer to take you to the cleaners, ok?

I got the place right downstairs, man, ok?

Cole...

Shut up!

Look, look. Come on, dog.

Look, this don't sound like gina.

I hope you guys signed one of them prenatal agreements.

That's prenuptial, brian dumble.

Martin, y'all did sign one of those, right?

No, tommy. We didn't sign nothing like that.

Oh, no.

Well, uh, maybe there is something

To what you're saying, man.

But then again, you know you, man.

You're always jumping to conclusions, man!

Ha ha ha!

I know what I heard on the damn machine, tommy.

Yeah, tommy, he know what he heard.

His ears <span tts:fontstyle="italic">are</span>bigger than yours...

And mine.

Shut up, fool!

Ok. Sorry about the ear joke.

Sorry about that, but no, seriously now,

The same thing happened to this brother I know one time, ok?

His wife cleaned him out,

Then ran off to the bahamas with her lawyer.

What?

The bahamas?

With her lawyer.

I...

Some lawyer gonna end up in the ba-hospital

'Cause old martin mar ain't going out like that.

That's right. That's right.

Y'all know where I'll be?

I'm about to turn him around, ok?

I'll be back.

So what do you think, mr. Darker?

Do you think my mother has a case or not?

I've got good news, and I've got bad news.

The bad news is your mama

Is going to have to cut off all her hair,

But the good news:

She's going to be the richest bald person next to michael jordan.

Excuse me, gina.

We need you in the meeting,

And it looks like you need me at this one.

How you doing?

Larry h. Darker: just fine.

Pamela james.

Uh, pam, this is mr. Darker.

He's an attorney.

Oh, so you're a lawyer, like johnny cochran?

Ok, time for us to go.

I might have a little settlement.

Do you make as much money as he does?

Pam!

Gina, he's potential.

Whazzup?

Not much bro hand. What it be like?

Oh, so you know who I am?

Un, no, but how many guesses I get?

I heard that on <span tts:fontstyle="italic">comedy view.</Span>

Oh, you funny.

Oh, you're a funny lawyer. Oh, you like jokes?

Well, here's a little jokey joke for you.

What did the pissed-off husband

Say to the fake-a*s lawyer?

I don't know, bro. What he say?

Nothing. He just kicked his teeth out. Ah!

Oh.

You know, maybe it's me, but I don't get it.

You don't get it?

You are the lawyer who left the message

On my answering machine, aren't you?

Oh! You're mr. Payne.

I can assure you.

I'm going to clear up all this confusion.

The only thing I'm confused about

Is what foot I'm gonna put in your a*s.

Look, I know we can get the watson account,

But let's talk about profit projections, ok?

All right, who else wants some?

Who else wants some? I got one shoe left.

Oh, you want some of this?

Come on! Stop me.

Come on. Uhh!

Martin, what are you doing up in the middle of a meeting?

What do you mean, what am I doing here, gina?

I should be asking you the same question.

What are you talking about?

Oh, come on, gina.

I leave some orange juice out of the refrigerator

And you call a lawyer on me?

Like you ain't never left some dirty socks out before.

Ok, you know what?

I think we need to talk about this outside.

Let's go, martin.

Outside? Oh, what? What?

You ashamed of old marty martin now?

Is that why you're divorcing me?

Divorce?

Yeah. Yeah. I know about you and chris darden

Planning to run off to the bahamas with all my money, gina.

With all your money?

Man, broke as you are,

They're not going to run very far!

I wasn't even talking to you, janet jackass.

You better...

Put it right here. Come on.

Hey, martin! Pam!

Martin, would you listen?

No! You listen! You tell her to listen!

Now you listen, ok?

Both of you all.

Now, gina, you promised to love me

For better or for worse,

But if you want out, I won't stop you.

But, martin--

But you just remember one thing:

I loved you.

Martin, I love you, too,

And I'm not divorcing you!

You're not?

[Knock]

Whazzup?

Then why'd you hire the lawyer?

Martin...

Martin, that's my mother's lawyer.

Remember I told you they jacked up her hair at the beauty salon?

You sure did. Oh, baby.

I'm sorry, baby. I don't know.

Sometimes i--

Right. Right.

I mean, you know how it is.

Uh-huh.

So you ain't leaving me?

No.

You're going to have to do more

Than leave some orange juice on the counter

To get rid of me.

Is that right?

I love you, martin.

I love you.

Ah, please!

Ah!

Hee hee hee!

Ah, baby, do you know any other lawyers?

Uh, yeah. Why?

'Cause when that lawyer wakes up,

I'm going to need one.

Baby, you didn't.

Well, baby, I thought he was threatening our marriage.

Why, honey?

I love you!

I don't know.

Like so many things about you, I don't know.

Martin acting his shoe size again?

Pam, I don't--

I don't know my next line.

See, that's where you wrong, lee--

Leela?

You cheating on me?