05x14 - Goin' Overboard

[bunniefuu]

Hello there.

Welcome aboard the cruise of love.

I'm julie, your cruise director.

Well, hi, julie. I'm martin payne.

Mr. Payne, are you traveling alone?

Because we have a great singles luau in the borneo room.

Oh, no. No, I got mine.

My wife, she's in the gift shop.

Oh, super.

Well, if there's anything I can do for you, you let me know.

I sure will.

You know, as a matter of fact, you can.

Can you send some champagne and some whipped cream to room ?

Oh, I get it.

You're planning to get your freak on, aren't you?

[Ship's horn blows]

P.a.: Will all visitors please go ashore?

The ship will be sailing in minutes.

Wow. You know, I wish we were sailing right now.

I'm expecting some unwanted company.

Oh, who would that be?

My wife's friend pam.

As a matter of fact, I think I see her right now.

Where?

Right there. Third sea lion from the left.

Oh!

I'd know those whiskers anywhere.

I heard that, ren-and-shrimpy.

Why don't I just leave you with your company?

Always got to run your mouth.

Pam...what are you doing here?

What's the matter, you couldn't find nobody

To go on the valentine's day cruise with ya?

Shut up.

Ship ahoy, dog!

Oh, no!

Break...not brr...

No!

What is wrong with you?

Tommy, please, man,

Tell me you didn't hook back up with the little fur-maid.

Whwh

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah, yeawhazzup!♪

♪ I'm the man ♪

Tin ♪♪

Tommy, I can't believe you're back with pam.

I thought I told ya to let sleepin' dogs lie, man.

Very funny, tight-lee,

But tommy knows it's not that kind of party.

That's right. Pam had an extra ticket

And invited me to come along.

Uh, as a friend.

As a friend!

But you know what, pam?

I was thinkin'... Since we're gonna be sharing a room,

Maybe you and I can--

See, that's where I gotta stop you.

No, that's where I gotta stop you.

See, the only lei that you gonna get

Is the one around your neck. You got that, bro?

Understood. Martin, we just friends, man.

Just friends?

Good, 'cause that does my heart just fine.

I'm still tryin' to get the ticks off ya

From last time you hooked up.

Shut up, martin.

I'm saying this is what's goin' on.

[Ship's horn blows]

We movin', y'all! This is it! Yes!

Hey, yo, martin, where's gina?

Gina's in the gift shop.

Hey, tommy, gina's probably picking up some new underwear

To go with them pumps she packed.

Hi there.

Julie again. You guys finding everything ok?

Uh, no.

Julie, um, could you show pam where the livestock is?

Shut up, boy.

You are funny, mr. Payne.

You should sign up for the amateur night

In the bermuda triangle room.

Amateur night?

No, I don't git that.

Yes.

Oh, and don't miss the bertha butt boogie bump contest.

Well, ciao for now.

What is julie so happy about?

You know what, guys? Are we gonna have a fun trip!

Yes, we are.

Too bad cole couldn't make it.

I know.

Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ahh, ah-ahhhh...

Hey, whazzup?

Help me out, here.

What's he doin'?

You crazy... Cole.

Whazzup?

What the hell are you doin' here, man?

What, y'all thought y'all was going on a trip

Without ol' coley cole? You can forget that.

Wait. How can you afford a trip like this?

I thought you were broke.

Stowaways don't need no money, pam.

Duh.

Do you know how much trouble you can get in

For sneakin' on this ship?

I'm not worried about that, tommy.

All I need is a place to crash. sh**t.

No, no.

No, you can't stay with me and gina.

We usin' every inch of our room,

So you can't stay with us, moby thick.

Don't even think about my room.

Yeah.

h*. What? Oh, you gonna play me like that?

Whatever, man.

Coley cole gonna be all right.

[Ship's horn blows]

Oh, look...

Everybody ashore is wavin' good-bye.

Bye!

Bon voyage!

We're goin', and you not!

Hey, look...

See that big-head girl over there.

She looks just like gina.

Look like gina? That--that is gina!

Gina, kick off the pumps!

Run, baby!

Stop the boat!

Stop the boat!

Stop! Stop!

Watch out!

What you mean you can't turn this boat around, man?

Well, you gotta understand, mr. Payne,

There are , people aboard this ship.

No, no. Make that ,,

'Cause my wife ain't on it, man.

All right, popeye?

Actually, mr. Payne, my name is loafer.

Why ain't I surprised?

Mr. Payne, if you would just calm down...

Julie, I'm calm.

Believe me, julie, he is calm,

'Cause when he's mad,

You know, his ears get to flappin' a lot more.

Sometimes he even takes flight.

Now ain't the time, leave-it-to-weaver.

It's not.

Look, guys, it's valentine's day.

Come on, there's got to be something you can do.

Yeah, yeah. Work it out.

What are you talkin' about?

You the one that got my friend out there

Lookin' for some damn drawers.

Hey, how was I supposed to know

The gift shop was across the street?

You know what?

There <span tts:fontstyle="italic">is</span>a way

To get the two of you together.

That's what I'm talkin' about, loafer. Whazzup?

Well, we'll just have mrs. Payne meet you

When we dock in st. Thomas.

When is that, loafer?

In three days.

No, no. Three days? Man, that's half the trip.

But don't worry, mr. Payne.

We have so many activities onboard,

You won't even know your wife is missing.

Oh, no. I'll know she's missing,

'Cause the activity I want...

Y'all ain't got.

We can't help what happened with gina, ok?

Pam and I are about to go take a swim.

Now, you care to join us?

Nah, man, y'all go ahead.

I got things to do.

What, you scared your little butt might get sucked down the drain?

You know, that's funny, pam,

But I thought bears only go near water to fish.

Shut up!

Correct me if I'm wrong, ok?

I'm goin' to change my clothes.

All right, we'll see you in a minute, dog.

No, no. Where you going?

No, I said <span tts:fontstyle="italic"> I'm</span>going to change my clothes.

I gotta change, too.

You can change later.

Uh, bye-bye.

But, pam, all we have--

Get outta here!

You know, man, it's a damn shame, man.

What?

All the fish in the sea,

And you're in love with a sea lion?

Move on, man.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah! I'm movin'.

Look, I'm gonna go call gina,

Make sure she bring them pumps to st. Thomas.

What the-- what are you...

Hey, what goin' on?

What's up, stowaway? I thought you'd be locked up by now.

While you're laughin'...

I just had a champagne brunch, ok?

And I'm on my way to get myself one of them swedish messages.

Uh, c-cole...

That-that's, uh, a swedish massage, fool!

That what I said, fool.

Good afternoon.

Need any help finding your staterooms?

No, no, no, man.

We cool.

Here's my room right here.

Yeah, yeah. Mine over there.

Hey, what's up, doc? How you feelin'?

And you, sir?

Uh, I'm sorry?

I'm, uh...

[Gulp]

I'm on the, uh...

Olympic track team.

Peace.

But we have no olympic track team.

Ok.

Ah.

Uh-oh, tommy. What?

You been workin' out, huh?

Ah...a little bit.

It shows.

Thanks, pam.

Um, you missed a spot.

Oh, thanks. I didn't see that.

Whazzup, pam--pam... Tommy?

Cole, where the hell you been, man?

I was--was h-h-hidin' out

In the freezer.

Want a fish stick?

Boy, get that outta my face!

Hey, cole, you gonna have to chill, all right?

I am chillin', tommy.

Ok, then, cole, defrost.

That'd be a good idea.

Ok, um, I'm gonna be in the boiler room

If you're lookin' for m-m-me.

Puh-leeze.

Anyway, um...

You...need some help?

No. I got it.

Yes, you do.

Oh, daggone it.

What's the matter?

I'm all out of sun block.

Oh, i-i'll get you some more.

Want some more? Wh-what kind?

I'll get it.

Thanks, pam.

No problem.

Hey.

Hey.

Can I ask you something?

Hmm? Sure. Yeah.

Ask.

Could you do me from the back?

Oh, hell, yeah. It'd be my pleasure.

All righty.

Just turn around there...

There we go.

All right.

Ooh.

You've got nice, strong hands.

Thanks, ma'am.

See, you need strong hands in my line of work, you know?

Oh. And what kind of work do you do?

Ah, it's complicated.

It'll take me all day to explain.

Well, I've got all day.

What do you say, um, we continue this, uh,

In the jacuzzi?

Cool.

Hi. I'm tommy.

I'm brenda.

Tommy, I think I got the right one...

No, he didn't play me like that!

Ain't this about a...

P-p-psst...pam?

What?!

The b-boiler room is locked.

You got an electric blanket in y-your room?

I don't believe this.

Tommy's gettin' his mack on,

Gina missed the boat,

Martin's still short...

And I'm stuck with frosty the slow-man.

How you doin'?

All right.

It's a beautiful night, huh?

Yeah, it's all right.

Excuse me, but you look familiar.

Did--did i...

Did I meet you in a club or something?

I don't think so. I don't go to clubs.

Oh, heh...

You got a light?

No. I--i don't smoke.

Oh.

Well, these things k*ll ya, anyway.

Wh-whoa, whoa, whoa!

Lady, what are you doin'?

What am I doing? I'm jumping!

No, no, lady.

Lady, it ain't worth it, lady.

Let me go!

Talk about it, lady.

No. Let me go.

Lady, don't do this!

Look, I'll get you a match, lady.

Let me go. Just let me go.

Look, lady, just...

Look, I can't let you go out like this, lady.

No, but you don't understand.

My boyfriend left me, and I don't have anything to live for.

Lady, your boyfriend ain't no reason

To check yourself out.

But he left me for my mother!

Oh. Damn!

You know,

That's straight out of <span tts:fontstyle="italic">ricki lake.</Span>

Oh, you saw that show?

No, lady, listen, it's not that serious, ok?

Listen, it's valentine's day, and, hey...

My baby ain't here either.

You're here by yourself, too?

Yeah.

You know, I'm here by myself, but, hey...

You don't see me tryin' to check out.

That's right.

So l-let me just get you a drink, you know,

Calm you down,

You know, get you some soup...

Oh, that sounds good.

Maybe a straitjacket.

No. No, I'm just jokin'.

I thought I'd give you a little jokey joke

To kind of get you off that rail.

Ohh...

Feeling better?

Oh, mmm...

I'm ok.

All right.

Look here, uh, ellen,

You--you got a lot to live for.

You know, you-you're a good-looking woman.

You could get any man you want.

You think so?

Hell, yeah.

You--you don't believe me, do ya?

Hey, fellas!

Oh, my--no.

Hey, ain't she fine, man?

Ain't she a good-looking woman?

Oh, yeah. Yeah!

You got that right.

Yeah, I'm right. Ain't she bad?

I wanna tell ya...

Martin, you are so crazy.

No, no. You the one.

No, no. That's just a little jokey joke. That's--joke. Joke.

Oh. Ok.

You know, I'm probably just feeling this way

Because it's valentine's day and I'm all alone.

Ah, true that. True that. I can see your point.

Well...

What I did up there, I mean, it's terrible.

It was almost a terrible mistake I made,

And, martin, I want to thank you

From the bottom of my heart. Really.

Oh, well, look, it's all good, you know?

I--you know what?

You just need a man that'll appreciate what you got to offer.

Now, that's what I'm sayin'.

That's what I feel.

You know...

I just think that I need to lighten up,

Because I know that my dream man

Must be around here somewhere.

You know what?

I'll do you one better.

You'd be surprised what you can find

If you just open your eyes.

I think you're right.

[Humming]

Hey, tommy.

Pam, how you doin'?

Ah, I'm all right.

I'm a little stiff.

I could use a little massage.

Really? Mm-hmm.

I'll call and make you an appointment.

No, thanks.

You know, tommy, um, I was just thinkin',

This whole cruise thing was a really good idea.

Pam...

I totally agree.

You do?

Yes. Look, there's something I want to tell you.

I want to thank you for inviting me.

Oh, it's no problem.

No. I'm serious, pam,

'Cause if you hadn't invited me,

I never would've had the opportunity to meet brenda.

Brenda?

Oh, yeah. I mean,

Brenda is the fly-est sister that I have ever met.

Is that right?

Yes. And you were absolutely right

About you and I being friends,

Because, pam, I just feel

Like I can talk to you about anything.

Hey, pam...

You my dog, girl.

Ha ha...

Yeah.

We're dogs.

Cole...

Come here, baby.

Come here.

Why the hell are you dressed like mr. Bojangles?

Are ya likin' this man, huh?

Ya diggin' it?

Borrowed it from the laundry room.

Da-a-amn.

Tommy's soppin' that girl up like a biscuit.

I ain't tryin' to hear that.

What they doin' now?

Uh, l-leavin'.

Man, this whole valentine's cruise thing is whack.

Yeah, I gotta agree with you on that one, pam.

Ever since I snuck on this ship,

I been runnin' around here like michael johnson.

Well, if I'm gonna be stuck here with you,

You best believe I'm gonna get my drink on.

True, true.

If I'm gonna be stuck here with myself,

You'd best believe I'm gonna get my drink on.

Uh, bartender?

Hi! I'm isaac.

And what can I get for you on this lovely evening?

What is everybody so damn happy about on this cruise?

Just happy.

Oh, y'all don't know?

I been on this ship for years...

And this the first time I seen black folks on it.

Isaac a little outta touch.

Oh, um... I tell you what.

You catch me up on the times,

And I'll treat you to all the bahama mamas you want.

Did you say bahama mamas?

All right! I'll go for that.

Ok, ok! Yeah!

Hey, listen, um...

Is <span tts:fontstyle="italic">good times</span>still on?

I mean, that jimmy walker is dy-no-mite!

Yeah, I think you better give me the bahama mamas now.

On the double.

And then...

I think thelma married a football player.

Ooh! Ooh! Guess what.

James died.

James evans died?

Yup. He dead. He dead.

Damn! Damn! <Span tts:fontstyle="italic">damn!</Span>

I--i was devastated.

But now how they gonna be keepin' their heads above water?

I don't know.

Could you put some more mama in my bahama?

Oh, wait, I want mama, too.

Ooh, oooh...

Oww, my head.

Uh...

Mornin', pam.

Mornin', cole.

Cole?

[Knock on door]

Who is it?

Female: room service.

I ain't ordered no room service.

Damn.

There ain't nobody ordered no room service

But a brother hungrier than a martin,

So I'll take it.

Aaah! Aaah!

I'm julie, your cruise director.

Hi, julie. I'm martin.

Mr. Payne--oh, but I don't know your name is payne.

I'm sorry.

You gotta understand, mr. Payne,

There are , people aboard this ship.

Tell me you did not hook back up with the little fur-maid.

Shut up.

I'm jumpin', man!