05x17 - I, Martin, Take Thee Pam?

[bunniefuu]

Look what he just--

Check out his laugh, though.

[Imitating mr. Ed's whinnying laugh]

You know what I'm sayin'?

Mr. Ed is wild like that.

Mr. Ed is the b*mb, shorty.

Hey, but do you know--

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

Boy, I tell ya.

Hey, but, look, look, on the real, man,

You know, I was wonderin', man-- don't tell nobody, ok?

All right.

I was wonderin' if a horse could really talk like that.

You talk to pam, don't you?

Yeah.

Case closed.

[Imitating mr. Ed]

What y'all talkin' about?

What up, tommy?

Hey, what's up, big tom?

Comin' up in here lookin' like a baldheaded penguin.

Yeah, right.

Oh. You know what? I need to borrow your gold cufflinks.

Pam and I are going to a black-tie dinner for my job.

All right, so in other words,

You all dressed up with no place to go?

Ah ha ha ha.

Come on, man. She gonna be here in a minute.

Can I borrow the cufflinks, or what?

All right, I'll let you borrow my cufflinks, but...

Y'all got to close your eyes.

I can't show you where I keep my valuables.

Wait. What are you talkin' about?

Are you serious?

You're gonna play us like a bunch of stickup kids?

Man, no. Man, we boys, man.

I thought he was serious for a second.

Close your eyes.

Excuse me.

All right?

All right, y'all seen it. All right, y'all...

Y'all--y'all seen my secret hidin' place, huh?

Now I'm gonna have to cut ya.

Come on, give me the cufflinks, please.

All right, man. All right.

Hey, cole. Huh?

Hold this.

Hey, tommy, man, take care of my cufflinks, man.

Let me have these, too.

All right, but take care of them, man,

I'm telling you. They're valuable.

Hey, yo, yo, yo, yo, what's this?

This looks important, man. What's this?

Well, that's my marriage license, cole.

Look, look, I know I didn't make it to your wedding, man,

But, uh, ginawas the bride, right?

You figured that all out by yourself?

Yeah.

Um, and pam was supposed to be the witness, right?

Cole, what is the problem, man?

Look, the problem is right here, man.

Gina signed where the witness was supposed to sign,

And pam signed where the bride was supposed to sign.

Let me see this.

[Reading to himself]

All right, so--so--so they signed in the wrong place.

What's the big deal?

Well, martin, the big deal is

According to this document,

You and pam are husband and wife...

Dog.

Captwhwhng made possible by warner bros.

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah, yeawhazzup!♪

♪ I'm the man ♪

Tin ♪♪

Yo, this can't be right. There must be a typo.

Nah, nah, martin, man. It's right here in black and yellow, man.

You are legally married... To pam.

Congratulations, martin.

Man, please. Can't no man be married to no donkey.

[Knock on door]

Oh, that would be your don-- I mean, your wife now!

[High-pitched laughing]

I know, I know. That's funny, boy.

Tommy: shh shh shh shh. She's comin'.

Ohh!

What are you fools laughin' at?

What is wrong with you?

Hey, hey, martin, you want me to tell her?

Ain't nothin' to tell, tommy.

I don't know, man.

Under these circumstances I really think she should know.

Excuse me, can I see this? Thank you.

I'll give it back when I'm done.

Uh, pam, this here is martin and gina's marriage license.

Yeah?

Yeah, well, look-- look where you signed.

Yeah.

Now look where gina signed.

Ouch!

Wait.

What? It-it-it's just a simple mistake. You know what I'm saying?

It could easily be erased. Give me an eraser!

Pam, pam, come on, now.

Just give me an eraser!

I need an eraser to erase it!

Hey, hey, relax, sweetheart. It is written in pen, ok?

Anyway, you can't mess with a legal document.

Oh, please don't tell me this means what I think it means!

Oh, h*!

Please!

Let me explain this to you in ebonics.

You be married to martin.

I wonder how gina gonna take this.

Probably the same way pam took it.

No, she's not, 'cause gina ain't gonna know about it.

Martin, she's bound to find out once pam moves in.

Shut up, cole.

All right? Gina's under enough pressure

Settin' up that office in l.a.

So what you gonna do?

I'm gonna get this marriage license changed,

'Cause if gina finds out, man,

My baby might not never come back.

Wait, wait, wait. Come on.

I just want to wish you luck, ok?

No, no. I'll tell you.

I'm gonna go now... And wake up your--your wife.

Pam. Pam, baby, come on.

Pam.

Oh, pam.

Man, let me try. I'll wake her up.

All that...

Scooby?

Gravy train?

Uh...

Chuck wagon?

Snausages?

Look, she's movin' on "snausages," see?

Hey, cole?

Yeah?

Want to go to a black-tie dinner?

Sure.

But, tommy, I can't fit that dress.

Pam, I found you some aspirin. Maybe...

[Pam crying]

Pam?

Where'd she go?

Oh, my--oh, my god!

Hey, pam...

What are you doin' out here?

I'm gonna jump, tommy.

What?

I can't live another second being mrs...martin payne.

Oh, my god. Come on, come on, pam. Come on, sweetheart.

Don't you think you're overreacting just a little bit?

No! Imagine if you were married to martin!

Tommy, forget it!

There's nothing that you could say to me

That could make me change my mind!

Ok. Hey, pam...

Denzel. Huh? Huh?

Denzel. Ha ha ha ha!

No! No! No! It ain't gonna work, tommy,

'Cause this situation is critical!

Ok, come on, pam, you can't jump, all right?

Pam, pam, hey, hey, hey, pam.

What about that new hairpiece, huh?

You just bought that-- that hairpiece, pam. Come on. Huh?

Yeah. I--i--i did pay a grip for this sucker.

Yeah, you did.

And, you know, it's real, authentic hair, too.

I can tell that, pam, and it's lovely, honey.

It's absolutely beautiful,

So come on in here so we can talk about it

And you can stop acting crazy. Come on.

All right.

All right? That's a girl.

But it's only for my hair.

I know. Come on. You have your hair.

Come on in here. Oh, watch your hair.

There we go. Here we go.

There we go!

Watch my stockings!

Don't crimp my stockings!

Lord knows you're fine.

Come on over here.

I think I'm sick, tommy.

No, you're gonna be ok.

Just sit over here and relax and get comfortable.

There you go. Don't worry.

All right. Good. Martin went down to the license bureau.

He gonna get all this mess all straightened out.

It'll be over before you know it, ok?

You sure everything gonna be ok, tommy?

No, no, big daddy's positive, ok?

Ok.

Everything gonna be just fine, just fine,

Unless, of course, you know,

Martin wants you to perform your wifely duties.

I'm out! I'm out!

Let me jump!

I'm just kiddin'!

Come on, pam.

Hey, hey, relax. All right?

Oh, tommy!

Look, pam... Come on, now, huh?

You're gonna have to cut this out

And just relax and calm down, all right?

Tommy, just imagine...

Me, pamela james...

Being married to...to...

[Retches]

Hey, come on, come on. Come on.

Come on, now, you're gonna choke now.

Ohh! [Bawling]

Cole: it's gonna be cool.

This don't make no damn sense.

Weeks to change your marriage license?

Man, I got the drawers faster than that.

That's what you get for gettin' married on that island

In the first place, man.

But weeks, cole?

Man, pam could have had dalmatians by then, man.

All right, martin, look, just stop.

All right, just chill out

And try not to think about it, ok?

Oh, I'm tryin', cole,

But I'm married to pam.

I can't be-weave it!

As I dream on...

Ooh.

Pam: martin, is that you?

Yeah, pam.

Oh, I'm so happy my husband is home.

I'm happy to be home.

Hi, baby. Hey.

Could you do me a little favor and give me a hand?

Yeah, anything for you, baby. What's that?

Thank you, boo.

Could you help me shave my back?

Aah!

Martin. Martin.

Cole!

Pack--pack your stuff. We're gettin' out of here.

Uh, ok. Where we going?

Back to the island. I'm gettin' out of this marriage now.

Cole: tommy, are you sure this is the island

Where tommy and gina got married?

'Cause it don't look familiar.

Tommy: that's 'cause you were never here, fool. You missed the wedding.

Tommy: all right, watch your step. Be careful.

Martin: all right.

Girl, go put some clothes on.

How you doin', sweetie? Aloha.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

This don't hardly look like no courthouse.

Wait a minute. According to the map,

This is definitely the place.

Well, let's hurry up and find this judge

So we can get out of here...

And I can free willy mae here.

Why don't you shut up? I didn't come all this way--

I'm just trying to get this divorce!

Cole: chill out.

Hi, how you doin'? All right.

Gesundheit. Yeah.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Nothin' like a couple of healthy island girls.

Excuse me, y'all.

Look, I'm gonna go with cole

To keep him out of trouble, you know.

Y'all relax over there.

Just tell him to watch himself.

Youwatch yourself, ok?

I'm tryin' to get this marriage annulled.

All rise...

For the right reverend justice...

Leon lonnie love!

Ahh!

Here come the judge.

[Chuckling]

Pam, ain't that your crooked, backslidin',

Go-sell-it- on-the-mountain cousin?

Dag, the last time I saw lonnie

Was when county jail accidentally let him out.

Accidentally let him out? He escaped.

I saw it on cops.

Really?

Who's first?

Mr. And mrs. h*, your honor.

Now, it says here

That you think that mrs. h* has been unfaithful.

What makes you say that?

Because she said,

"Harry, I've been unfaithful."

I see.

Do you still love your husband?

Oh, with all my heart, your honor.

[Cellular phone rings]

Excuse me.

Hello?

Hi, baby.

Oh, later tonight is good.

Ok, see you then, boo-boo.

What? That was my sister.

Sister my a*s!

That's another one of her boyfriends!

Hold on, now. Hold on, mr. h*.

Now, although she may have dipped her toe in the river of sin,

There's no reason to throw the baby out with the bath water.

Divorce denied!

You can pay my girls your court costs as you leave.

Ohh! My, my, my, my, my.

That h* sho' look good to me.

Get thee behind me, satan!

Next case.

Leon lonnie love.

Ha ha. You ain't changed a bit, man.

Is that my kissin' cousin

On my mama's side thrice removed?

Yes, it's me.

What are you up to this time, lonnie?

Girl, all I know is the lord done grabbed ahold of me

And shook me like a tree, and the reveille--

I, lonnie love, turned over a new leaf!

Besides, they ain't got no extradition law.

Look here, lonnie,

We got a little problem, a little situation,

And we need you to help us get out of it, all right?

Oh, wait. You decided not to marry that big-headed girl?

Nah, man, I did marry the big-headed girl.

No, no, no, no, no. See? It say here that you married to pam.

That's the problem, man.

Ain't no problem!

Welcome to the family, cuz!

Whoa! Hey! Hold up!

No. Slow your roll, lonnie.

See, the marriage license is wrong.

See, me and gina signed in the wrong places.

All we need you to do is change it.

I'm sorry, cousin. I can't do nothing for you there.

See, what the lord hath brought together can't no man put asunder.

Man, you don't change this marriage license,

I'm gonna put you feet under, man.

Well, I'm sorry, my brother,

But I answer to a higher power.

Ok, all right, all right. Ok.

How...

How high are we talkin', huh?

Huh, leon lonnie love, huh?

Talkin' grants, franklin...

Huh, what we talkin'?

Well, now, if I was still livin' that foul life,

I'd be talkin' franklin, but I'm not!

Oh, now, come on, cuz!

You got to help us out! This is all a mistake!

Oh, no, no, no. Lord don't make no mistakes.

Request denied!

What?!

Lunchtime!

You better do something about this.

Kalani...

Can you bring me an order of babyback ribs, mustard greens on the side,

Heavy on the hot sauce?

Man, what's up, man?

Man, you gonna solve this case, man.

Mr. Payne, you are out of order.

No. No, no, no, no.

You're out of order!

This whole damn...

Oh, you done broke my coconut now!

...island's out of order!

Tell him, martin!

Bailiff, bailiff, bailiff!

And you gonna pay for the coconut!

No, I ain't signin'.

You gonna pay for the coconut!

Pam: this is great. This is really, really great.

I fly all this way with harold muppet and the blue notes,

And I still can't get out of this marriage.

Needn't worry.

We gettin' out of this marriage, all right?

'Cause when lonnie gets back,

I'm gonna whup his happy a*s.

Violence is not gonna solve the problem.

Yeah, don't do that, man. Why don't you just... Beat him up?

Cole, will you just shut up, please?

Pam: be quiet. Just be quiet.

Well, well, well, hello-ha!

Excuse me, y'all.

I'm gonna go have myself a kahlua with kalani.

Ooh-ooh-ooh! Aah-aah-aah!

Yeah, that fool keep followin' them women around,

They're gonna throw his butt in the volcano.

You know what?

This is all your fault.

If you hadn't signed your pawprint in the wrong place,

We wouldn't be in this mess.

Well, if gina would've listened to me in the first place

And never married you, we wouldn't be in this mess, either.

Hey.

Aw, damn!

Well, at least we not married anymore.

Yeah, but I ain't married to gina no more, either.

You got yourself to blame, strawberry shortcake.

Give me that. Give me it!

Give me that, martin.

See this?

Tommy, what are you doing?

Think about it, martin, think about it, man.

If you tell the judge

That your marriage license was destroyed

And to give you another one--

But this time, pam,

Make sure you sign on the witness line.

Aah! Ooh!

I get it!

Then I won't be married to d*ck van tyke anymore.

Yeah, I get it, too.

Then I won't be married to the notorious p.i.g. Anymore.

Ok, all...

Shh shh shh.

You again? Now, look, I done told you,

I can't let you out this marriage, now.

Now, just what part of "no" don't you understand?

No, no, no. You got it wrong, lonnie.

Uh, we're--we're happy being married.

Look, we had a little accident, man, all right?

Pammy goat here got hungry and ate the license.

We need another license.

That's right. We need another one.

Oh, is that all?

Well, here you go.

No, no, no. Wait. Don't forget to sign it, lonnie.

Oh, no. I can't sign it unless I actually marry y'all.

Oh, hell no!

Conference time.

Look, hey, hey.

Wait a minute, guys.

Listen, the ceremony doesn't mean anything.

As long as pam signs on the witness line,

You two are not married.

This better work. This better work.

All right, do it, but make it quick.

No, somethin' funky up in here.

No, no. That's just pam's breath, all right?

Why don't you shut up?

All right, all right. Come on.

You know what? I ain't convinced that y'all are really in love.

And if I'mnot convinced, I know the lord ain't convinced,

Which means this is a union born of beelzebub.

No, no, no, no. Not at all, your honor.

They're very much in love.

In fact, they crazy about one another.

Well, y'all are gonna have to prove it to me.

Prove it to you?

Uh-huh. See, let me demonstrate.

When you in love with a beautiful woman like this here,

You got to put your arms around her

So you can be fruitful and multiply.

If you don't back your stinkin' behind up off of me,

You gonna see the lord and savior personally.

That's right. That's right. We arecousins,

Which, by the way, don't mean a damn thing on this island.

So look here, girlie girl, if you not gonna show me the love,

Least you can show your man some.

All right.

See? See?

Right on.

Now, martin,

Tell your woman she's beautiful.

I would if I could get past the fur.

No, no, no!

No, your honor, they're funny.

They joke like this all the time.

Well, now, you know, a sense of humor

Is very important in any marriage,

But I'm still not feelin' the fire.

Martin, go on and bust some slobs with her.

Give her some sugar, man.

I got to bust some slob with her, leon?

Go on, man, give her some sugar.

Give her a little sugar.

All right.

I was saving these for the donkey ride back to the airport,

But, uh... Uh, in this case, in this situation,

You can have 'em now.

You are so stupid.

I'm still waitin' for that kiss.

Ohh!

Oy, god.

Ok.

You can do it, you can do it. Here we go.

Hail mary!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Whoo! Isn't that beautiful, man?

See what I'm tellin' you?

Love'll do that to you.

That's all I was lookin' for.

Now, come on, you young people,

Let's kick this ceremony off cor-rect.

Pam, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do!

And, martin, do you take this woman

To be your lawfully wedded wife?

I do!

By the powers vested in me

By the island of quack-a-hoa,

I now pronounce you man and wife!

There we go!

Just sign the thing! Sign the thing!

Now, have I mentioned that it's normal

To make a little contribution

To the reverend love scholarship fund

For wayward island girls?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna make a nice donation,

And it's a... It's a size !

Hey, hey!

Martin, martin, martin! Come on!

Let him go! Let him go!

Come on, big man!

Hey. Hey, martin.

The watch. Get the watch. Get the watch.

What, what, what?

I think this is the part where I faint.

Come on, pam. Walk, baby.

No, walk, walk, walk, walk. Walk.

Pam, come on, come on.

Pam, come on, wake up, girl! Wake--

Hold on. Come here, man.

No, man, let me try that line again.

I hated the actin' on that one.