05x18 - Auction

[bunniefuu]

Cole.

Cole.

Cole, what the hell are you doing, man?

Look, ain't going to be no bucking going on up in here,

Unless I'm the buckaroo.

Now you're going to have to take that somewhere else, man.

Martin's right. We should take it somewhere else.

Ok. Ok.

Yeah, come on.

That's good.

Cole.

Cole, partner, I thought I told you to--

Never mind, man. Never mind.

I don't even know why I'm raising my voice.

Ok, baby, we're going to have to chill

On the tongue-boxing for a second.

Martin getting mad.

What's that, bro?

It's a box, honey.

Duh.

Cole, can I see you over here for a minute?

Yeah. Excuse me.

Chill. I'll be right back.

What's happening?

Hey, how you doing?

I'm cool.

Look...

Is it me, but is she getting dumber by the minute?

Come on. Come on. Open the box, martin.

Open the box.

All right. All right.

Ohh, that is so nice.

Ooh!

Who's it from?

Uh, it's from charles dutton.

He was so happy to be on the show, he sent me a gift.

Look like he must have found this on his garbage route.

Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

I think it's a cuckoo clock.

You said she's getting dumber by the minute.

Go on, girl, tell him what it is.

It's a cuckoo clock.

Great. Just great.

Now I'm stuck with a cuckoo and dodo birds?

Cuckoo!

Whwh

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah, yeawhazzup!♪

♪ I'm the man ♪

Tin ♪♪

All right, cole. All right, right there.

Now, a little to the left. No, no, that's too much.

Left.

No, no, back over to the --

You do it, man.

Back to the center. Right there, all right? Cool.

How's that?

Yeah, that's perfect. Shanise, what you think?

That's a silly question, martin.

Looks like a clock, if you ask me.

No, no, cole, look, just do me a favor.

Set it for :.

I know that one, I know that one.

That's where mickey's little hand be on the one, like...

Ok.

Just...

Cuckoo!

Ba-da.

Ha ha ha ha!

Bro, you see that?

You know, it's cuckoo, and it's going off already.

Yeah. Yeah, my cuckoo clock.

It's enough to--

It's enough to make you emotional.

What's wrong, martin?

Oh, nothing, nothing, shanise. Nothing.

It's just, uh, this clock here...

Remind me of my mama bird.

Damn! Damn! Damn!

Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

All right. All right. Ok, that's enough cuckoo.

How--how you turn this thing off?

Uh, maybe it's hungry.

Yeah, yeah, maybe it's, uh, cuckoo for cocoa puffs.

I think so. You know what I'm saying?

Oh, man, I thought this thing was only supposed to go off on the hour.

Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Damn, that hour went by faster than a moth', didn't it?

Whazzup, fool and the g*ng?

Whazzup, pammy?

Oh, here we go.

Now, look here, pam,

Now, I don't know who trained you...

But I thought I told you to scratch

Before you come busting up in my apartment.

Now, I don't come down to the kennel,

Kicking bones out your mouth when you trying to work.

[Exaggerated laugh]

What are you all up to?

We were trying to feed the bird inside the clock.

Oh, martin, what you got over here?

It's a cuckoo clock!

That is so nice of you to rent out your house to a homeless bird.

Yeah. Thank you. Well, you know,

I'm going to look out for your peeps, you know that.

Shut it up.

Cuckoo!

That is so cute!

You like that, huh?

Yeah, it's cute.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Well, check this out, pam. Check this out.

I'm going to shut up for you, 'cause, uh,

I really got to tell you I appreciate

The way you been looking out for me

Since gina's been gone, you know?

All right, martin, I know where you're going with this.

What you going to crack on first: my fur or my breath?

Oh, no. It's not like that.

Look, I'm trying to give you a gift,

And that's how you going to treat me?

What you talking about, a gift?

I'm talking about the clock.

You likes the clock.

I heard you say you like it.

I seen you smile at the cuckoo clock.

So I'm going to give you--

The cuckoo clock is for you.

What's wrong with it?

Pam, ain't nothing wrong with it.

It's, uh...

It's perfect.

Really?

Yeah. Just--just make sure before you go to bed,

You wind it up real good...

So the cuckoos will go off on time.

I'm touched. This is really nice.

Something good has finally gotten into you.

That is so sweet!

Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Pam: oh, what is that? Oh, no!

This can't be! Not again!

Oh. Aah!

Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Cuckoo bird!

Look, I'm trying to get some sleep.

Now, shut up!

[Cuckoos stop]

That's more like it.

Cu--

Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Dee-dee-dee!

Did I just hear what I thought--

Martin, are you in there?

Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Look, birdy-bird, birdy-bird,

I done told you before, k*ll that noise!

Make me! Make me!

Make? Oh, you want to play?

Oh, you want to play?

Come on out! I dare you to come out!

[Calmly] come on out, cuckoo bird.

Come on out and...and play.

Yah! Oh!

Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Oh! I'm so sleepy!

[Maniacally] cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Ha ha-ha! Ha-ha!

Uh-oh!

That's right!

Let's see how bad you are now!

Come on out!

I said, come on out!

Now, that's better.

Oh.

[Raspberry]

[Knock on door]

Come in.

Hey, hey. What's up, man?

Y'all just in time. The game about to start.

Oh, good. Good. Yo. 'Cause, yo, man...

I'm telling you, I been dying to see this one all week long.

Me, too.

Who playing?

Cole, you get--

Oh, man.

What is this?

Ooh.

Hey, martin...

Where's the clock that was in this box?

Gave it to pam.

You know you wrong for that, man.

You know that clock probably kept her up all night long.

Huh. Yeah, yeah. And with pam,

We know she needs all the beauty sleep she can get.

That's a good one.

Hey, hey, hey, martin.

I don't think you should've given her this clock, man.

It was a joke, tommy.

Yep. I think it's a joke that's on you, pal.

That was a banneker, man.

A banneker? Damn. Sure fooled me.

I thought it was a clock.

No, fool.

Look, guys, benjamin banneker

Was a cat that, you know, he designed washington, d.c., Right?

He also made clocks.

Now, I know this 'cause this brother down at my job--

He collects antiques.

That thing must be worth a grip, man.

You're kidding?

All right, tommy, look...

Let's say you dohave a job...

Ok?

Hypothetically speaking.

Ok?

Ha ha ha ha.

How much would this clock be worth?

Well, I'm not sure. Probably...about ,.

Say what?

I said, the clock-- the clock probably worth about ,.

$,?

$,.

Excuse me.

Sure.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Whoo, whoo, whoo!

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ooh! You got $,, man! That's money, man!

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Martin, martin, you might as well chill

With the whoo, whoo, whooing, all right?

'Cause you know you gave the clock to pam,

And you knowshe ain't giving it back.

Nah. Nah. You don't know pam like I do.

She'll do anything for some scooby snacks, man.

I know this. Trust me, I know this.

All right.

Very funny, ashford and shrimpson.

That stupid cuckoo clock you gave me

Kept me up half the night.

Pam. Pam, look, don't worry about that, ok?

I'll take that clock off your hands.

Mmm. You're too late.

Pam, don't tell me you threw that thing in the garbage.

No. I gave it away.

What--you gave my clock away?

No, silly. I gave myclock away.

Some nuns came by from st. Bernadette's

Collecting old stuff for the orphanage.

What's the big deal, anyway?

About $,. That's what the big deal is.

Cole, shut up, man. Chill with that.

Excuse-a me? What did that fool just say?

Did he just say $,?!

Uh, the clock was a rare benjamin banneker.

So, no wonder darryl smallberry wants it back.

That's right. I want it back. You know why?

'Cause you ain't had no business giving my clock to no orphanage.

Wait a minute. What about "marty-mart love the kids"?

Well, I don't know that marty-mart love 'em that much.

Well, it's too late. You gave it to me, so now it's mine,

And the only one that's gonna get broke off up in here is-a me.

A-peace.

Hey, pam, where you going?

I'm going to get my $, clock back.

Hey, pam, damn that. That's my clock.

Martin, I'll bet you, uh, let's see, $.

That I beat you there.

Pam, that ain't fair. You got legs.

Martin, you gonna get back here.

Good. Pam ain't here.

Now I can get the clock back and be out.

Aah! Damn!

Ah, lady, you're kind of quick with yours, ain't you?

[Irish brogue] I am sister mary tyler,

Fastest ruler this side of the mississippi, don't you know?

Now, what brings you by?

What brings me by is that I had came by--

Oh, don't tell me you're an orphan.

It's so hard to place the older ones.

Everybody wants babies.

Well, fill out the form,

And I'll see what I can do.

No, no, no, no. Lady, it's not like that.

That's--that's my clock over there.

Oh, bless you, son, for your donation.

It's for the children, don't you know?

Yeah. Yeah, I know, and I love the kids.

You know, marty-mart love the kids,

But I didn't mean to donate this clock,

So what I would like to do is make a cash donation.

How does $ sound?

Like a bribe.

All right. Look, I tried.

Aah!

I told you once. Now don't make me tell you again.

Stop trying to jack me for me loot.

Look, I ain't afraid of no nun.

Oh. Come on. Come on. You want a piece of me?

I've fought with leprechauns tougher than you.

All right. All right. All right.

Hey, wait a minute. h*, break it up.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Don't hurt him.

Just don't listen to him, 'cause that's my clock.

And who might you be?

I'm a, uh...

Devout, church-going christian woman

Who donated that clock.

I thought you said the clock was yours.

It is. It was a gift.

But then he gave it to me.

So now it's mine.

Martin, you know that that clock belonged to me.

What I'm trying to say is that this is a very important--

Stop your bickering!

I don't give a flying fiddle whose clock it was.

It belongs to the orphanage now.

All these things

Are going on the auction block tonight

For the big fund-raiser.

And if you want that clock back,

You're going to have to bid on it.

Wait a minute, lady.

Miss nun, how am I gonna bid back something that's already mine?

No. That's already mine.

When is the auction, miss sister?

At : tonight. Right here.

And don't be late, or you'll be cleaning erasers for a week.

Damn! Is it still like that?

I ain't cleaning no erasers.

I ain't cleaning no erasers.

This classic average white band album,

Featuring pick up the pieces.

Going once...

Going twice...

Sold to the white man in the afro.

You can pick up the album

When you pay the cashier, home skillet.

Martin, will you come on? Look, they started already.

It's just :.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.

Hey, what are you doing?

I got a clock to buy.

You don't get out of my way, you gonna get clocked.

You know what? I ain't scared to fight you--

Excuse me. [Arguing]

Excuse me.

Excuse me!

If you don't shut it up back there,

I'm gonna come over and rinse out your mouths with soap.

Yeah, well, that ain't strong enough for pam's breath.

I think you gonna need lysol.

Shut up!

Ok, come on.

Look, I'm gonna get that clock.

Ain't none of y'all gonna stop me.

Excuse--you gonna have to outbid me first.

Come on--

All right, now. Sit down.

Take your seats and hush up. Sit. Sit.

You in the hat, go sit.

Now...our next item

Is this beautiful, hand-carved cuckoo clock.

Oh, it would be a wonderful addition to any home.

You know, it reminds me of a story

When I was a little girl.

One night, my father came home dead drunk

With a cuckoo clock under his arm.

And I said--

Hey, hey! Lady, please.

Let's just get on with the bidding.

If we must.

I will now turn the proceedings over

To mr. Billie joe buford.

Mr. Buford is a professional auctioneer,

And he will handle all the good stuff.

Mr. Buford.

Heh heh heh heh heh.

Well, now, I thank you, sister tyler.

[Inhales]

All right. Now, what am I bid for the cuckoo clock?

We'll start the bidding at $. , , .

Will you bid , , ? Gimme --

Hey, hey. Hold up, partner.

You gonna have to slow your roll, man.

Now, I start my bidding at $.

Wait, wait, martin. Sit down. That's not the way it works.

If you wan to bid for the clock, just raise your hand.

Yeah.

Bid. Will you bid ?

.

Bid? Now ?

Right here.

$ Bid. Will you bid an ?

$ Bid in the back now.

Now . ?

Uh-oh, there must be somebody else in on this.

Hey, no. Damn that. I'm getting that clock, tommy. Right here.

A $ bid over here. I have a $ bid.

Hey, wait. Martin, what are you doing?

Hey, tommy, what's a few c-notes, man,

When it's worth grand, man?

Well, two can play at that game.

Hyah!

$ Bid. I got a $ bid!

You better quit while you're ahead, martin.

You know what? This hill's a little too steep for you.

But then again, everything is too steep for you.

Ok.

A $ bid in the back. Now I got a bid of .

?

. Now, will you bid a ?

Bid of . Now .

Bid of . Now a .

. Will you bid a ?

$ Bid now!

Cole! What is he--

Cole, what the hell are you doing, man?

Bid of . Will I have a ? Gimme now.

Pam, if you don't put down your paw,

I'm gonna have you fixed. Right here, man.

Going once...

Damn, I ain't trying to get my lights turned off.

Going twice...

Keep 'em down.

Pam: hold him.

Sold to the big-eared man in the second row for $!

Yeah! Yeah!

Damn! Damn!

Got the clock!

Damn! Hey!

Hey!

Yeah. Yeah.

Watch out my way, pam. I guess the better man won.

I hate you, you greedy little weasel.

Aah! Cuckoo!

Mr. Payne, on behalf of the orphanage,

I would like to thank you

For bidding so much money on that old cuckoo.

No problem. No problem at all.

'Cause I'll tell you, after I sell this cuckoo clock,

I'm gonna get crazy paid.

Ha ha ha.

Crazy paid. Why, young man,

That clock isn't worth more than $, if that.

N-n-no, no.

Nah, nah, nah, sister. You got it all wrong.

You know what I'm saying? That clock is worth a grip!

Ok? Tell her--tell her about it, martin.

Yeah, yeah. Let me explain this to you, see?

That's a genuine benjamin banneker.

Banneker.

That clock is--is worth at least, uh, grand.

At least. At least.

Uh, um, m-martin...

This here is not a benjamin banneker.

It's a benjamin fanneker.

What?

Wait a minute.

You mean to tell me

That you paid $

For a $ clock?

[Snickers]

Hah!

No diggity!

Ha ha. That's my girl.

Hey, hey. Tommy--tommy, man, but you had said--

I know. I know. But apparently, see?

The "b" had a smudge on it.

See? Look like "f." B--

Tommy, I'm about to put a smudge under your eye.

But, look, martin--see?

This is a damn benjamin fanneker.

Honest mistake.

You told me it was a banneker!

Look at the bright side--

How do I get my money back? Where do I get my--

Pam: you don't get your money back.

[Clears throat]

Um...

Look, martin, I just wanted to say--

Now is not a good time, tommy.

That now is not a good time. That's all I was gonna say.

Martin, what did you do to your $ cuckoo clock?

It ain't cuckooed since we've been here.

Let's just say we came to a mutual understanding.

[Mournful] cuck...oo.

Now, that's a shame.

Why did you have to beat up on a helpless bird?

Hey, that little bird got some blows in.

You know, I got to admit, that--that little cuckoo

Got a little heart, you know?

Well, at least you picked on somebody your own size.

Yeah, just like a smellican

To look out for family. Ha ha.

Fly, smellican, fly.

Shut up.

All right, cut it out, guys.

Hey, I wonder what happened to cole and shanise.

They said they'd be right back.

I wonder what happened to 'em.

$ For the back-scratcher. Will you bid a ?

$ Bid. Will you bid a ?

Bid. Now, will you bid an ?

$ Bid. Will you bid a ?

$ Bid. Will you bid a ?

Boo. Boo. Sugarfoot, look...

If you outbid me,

I won't be able to get the back-scratcher for moms.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

I was just trying to support you.

Ok. Well, thank you for the support,

But stop supporting me, ok?

Ok.

$ Going once...

$ Going twice...sold to the thick brother

With the funny hat on.

Yeah, yeah.

You know damn well they didn't stop by the library.

Martin's right. We should take it somewhere else.

Ok, I crossed on her line.

Excuse me.

I felt that one. Made me--

Great. Now I'm stuck with dodos

And a cuckoo clock-- great. Great.

Something like that. Wait.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

You--

[Imitates paper ripping] yeah.