08x06 - A Well-Kept Housekeeper

[bunniefuu]

[SLOW MUSIC PLAYING]

You know, Angela...

I don't think I've ever been
happier in my entire life.

[CHUCKLES]
A romantic restaurant,

a beautiful woman...

and half a pound of beef
under my belt.

It really has been
a wonderful evening.

Let me tell you something.
When I take my best girl out,

everything has to be
just perfect.

Pardon me, sir.

Your credit card
has been rejected.

It can't be. I just--I just
mailed in the payment.

Do me a favor,
run it through again. Will you?

I did, sir.

Perhaps you have another card?

Uh, yeah. I got--I got
another card. Yeah, sure.

Let's see, uh, do you, uh,
do you take, uh...

-JCPenney?
-[LAUGHS]

Security!

-Why don't I put it on my card?
-Oh, no, no, no way, no way.

When I take you out, I pay.
You do take cash, don't you?

Because I got plenty
of cash here. I got plenty of...

cash...

in my car. I always have cash
in my car.

I'll be right back.
I'll be right back.

He'll be right back.

Yes, I'm sure you have
to believe that.

Mr. And Mrs. Braddock.
Good evening.

-Good evening.
-Excuse me. Paying customers.

Angela!

Oh, Ted, hi.

-Hi, Elaine.
-Hello.

-Don't you love this place?
-Oh, yes.

-Wonderful food, great service.
-Incredibly reasonable.

Okay, okay,
I got your blood money.

Twenty-two dollars
for a piece of beef.

I didn't even get French Fries.

Let's see here. One,
two dollars, 25, 35, 40.

[MUMBLING]

-Tony, Tony, Tony.
-Yeah.

I'd like you to meet Ted
and Elaine Braddock.

Friends of mine
from the Country Club.

Oh, oh, oh. Yeah.
Hi, hi, hi, hi.

My, um... My credit card--

Oh, yes. That can be
so embarrassing.

[LAUGHS] You've been there, huh?

No.

Well, nice meeting you anyway.

-It's good to see you.
-It's good to see you.

All right, well, anyway...

This should, uh, this should
just about...

not cover it, um,

look, there's
an automatic teller machine

a couple of blocks,

-I'll be right back.
-Tony, wait, wait. I've got it

and I've got enough for the tip.

Please, no arguments.

-But, Angela--
-No arguments!

-Thank you.
-Thank you very much.

It's been a pleasure
serving you.

Angela, you tipped him too much.

It's okay. It's no big deal.
Let's just go.

More like--Wait a minute here.
Yeah, yeah.

I'm just getting
our money's worth.

Oh, mints!

I got to tip the valet.

[♪♪♪]

♪ There's a time for love
And a time for livin' ♪

♪ Take a chance
And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road
And a road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times ♪

♪ I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail ♪

♪ And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path you take
And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is up to you
My friend ♪

♪ Nights are long
But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life
A brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

♪ Wait a moment
Wait a moment ♪

Oh good, Mona. You're here.

And what am I, wood?

Hi, Dad.

-Listen, Mona...
-MONA: Hmm.

...my roommate, Laurie is having
a birthday.

And I don't know what
to get her. She's kind of like,

-off-the-wall.
-I've got the perfect thing.

It's this gaudy white purse

with these stupid
green palm trees on it.

It'd make a great gag gift.

I bought you that purse.

Yeah, and it made me gag.

Come on, Sam.
I'll show it to you.

It glows in the dark.

-Hey.
-ERNIE: Hey.

Tony, I'm gonna have to get
you a new water stand here.

-This one's got a bum leg on it.
-Yeah, okay.

[GRUNTS] These mints are delish.

They should be. They cost
about six bucks a piece.

Ooh! "Le Fleur."

Swanky place.
How'd you swing that?

I almost didn't.

Came up a little short
last night at the restaurant.

-Angela had to bail me out.
-[LAUGHS]

Pays to be dating a babe
with deep pockets, huh?

Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?

What's that supposed to mean?

Hey, don't get me wrong.
You're my idol.

But how do I get a rich,

beautiful woman
to take care of me?

Hey, Ernie. Let me just
tell you something, huh?

Let me just tell you something
I pull my weight around here.

When I'm in the house working,

I'm working for Angela,
the same as you.

-Good morning, sweetheart.
-Good morning, Angela. Hi.

Hi, honey.

Go peddle your water.

Listen, I've got to run.

Don't forget, dinner tonight
at the Country Club.

-Oh, yeah. I forgot.
-Oh, I'm gonna meet you there.

And if you have any trouble
getting in, just use my name.

Mr. Tony Bower.
Has a nice ring to it.

So will your neck
when I get a hold of it.

-Hello. Name, please?
-Uh, Tony Micelli.

I'm sorry.
You're not on the list.

Oh, would you try looking
under Bower, please?

Oh, you're Angela Bower's guest.
Well, why didn't you say so.

-She's such a lovely lady.
-Oh why, thank you. Thank you.

-You're a very lucky man.
-What's that supposed to mean?

-Oh, hi. Hi, guys.
-MONA: Hi.

-Hi. How are you?
-Hi, Tony.

You remember Ted
and Elaine Braddock

-from the restaurant.
-Of course. Hi, Elaine,

-Hi, Ted.
-Hi.

Hey. By the way, everything's
straightened out.

Huh?

You remember, my, uh, my--
my credit card was rejected,

and I was totally humiliated,

I didn't want
anybody else to know and...

now I've told two new people.

-Hello. Hello.
-Tony.

Yes, this is Phil and Ida Davis.

-Oh, hello.
-Hi.

Why, Angela, where have you
been hiding this one?

Well, in the kitchen, mostly.

Uh, yes. I'm, um,
I'm--I'm Angela's housekeeper.

Oh, dating the help. [CHUCKLES]
How cozy.

I fired the woman, Ida.
What more do you want?

So, uh, Ted,
how--how is business?

Are you guys going to be
bidding on the McGregor account?

They're threatening
a lawsuit.

Ted, give me a call Monday.

I'll put my best litigator
on it.

Oh, I'll tell you.
Phil is the best.

He saved our lives

on the Northeastern Airlines
account.

Boy, we come to a party
and they talk shop

the whole time.
Don't you just hate that?

Oh, yeah. Men!

Well, if your Angela's anything
like my Ted,

she must eat, sleep,
and drink business.

Well, I really don't think
my Angela's

anything like your Ted,

unless your Ted
wears women's clothing.

[LAUGHS]

Well, all kidding aside,
there's a price you pay

for being the woman
behind the man...

ELAINE: Hmm.

...or the man behind the woman.

AUCTIONEER:
Ladies and gentlemen,

if you would like
to take your seats,

-we'll begin the auction.
-MAN: Thank you.

Now, our first item today

is a Louis XIV replica clock

donated by
John and Hilda Barnes.

All right. Now, we'll start
the bidding at 200 dollars.

That would look fabulous
in our den.

-Two hundred.
-Ted! [CHUCKLES]

Consider it
an early birthday present.

-AUCTIONEER: I have 300.
-Four hundred.

[GASPS] Ooh, I have to be
so careful

what I say in front of him.

[ALL CHUCKLE]

I hate that clock.

Going once. Going twice.

-[THUDS]
-Sold to Mr. Braddock

for 400 dollars.

Oh, Teddy.

Gee. Wonder what she'd do
if he bought her something good.

Now, our next item
is from the private collection

of Ms. Mona Robinson.

[ALL CLAP]

[ALL GASP]

-TONY: Oh, my--
-One thousand dollars.

-Two thousand.
-Five thousand.

And if anybody bids against me
I'll sue 'em.

-Phil--
-I want it, Ida.

-[THUDS]
-Sold to Mr. Davis.

You know, Phil, they follow you.

No matter where you are
in the room.

TONY: Just sit down.

Our next item is a lithograph

from the abstract impressionist,
Pierre Cassolet.

Oh, my gosh!
I love that painting.

I had a poster of it hanging

-on my door room in college.
-Really?

Now, we'll start the bidding
at 200 dollars.

Oh, what the heck.

AUCTIONEER: I have two.
Do I have three?

I have three.
Can anybody give me four?

Four hundred.

Oh, Tony. I don't know
if I want to bid that high.

Well, you're not.
I'm--I'm buying this for you.

-AUCTIONEER: I have 500.
-Um, six!

Oh, Tony. This really
isn't necessary.

-I have 700.
-Eight!

Ah, don't worry about it.
I'm having a ball here. [LAUGHS]

I have 1,200 dollars.

What happened to nine, ten,
and 11?

Tony, let it go.

AUCTIONEER:
I have 1,500 dollars.

They're skipping numbers again.
Sixteen hundred!

Seventeen fifty.

-Going once.
-Tony, I can't let you do this.

-Going twice!
-I already have the poster.

Two thousand dollars.

I can skip numbers
with the best of them.

-[CHUCKLES]
-[ALL CLAP]

-[THUDS]
-Sold to Mr. Bower.

Uh, no, no.
That's--That's Micelli.

-Oh, Tony...
-[ALL CLAP]

Oh, I--I really appreciate it.
But it's so much money.

Ah. For a Cassolet,
I mean, it's a steal.

-Are--Are you sure?
-Absolutely.

I've never been more positive
of anything in my life.

-Oh, thank you.
-[TONY CHUCKLES]

Thank you. I'm gonna
go look at my painting.

Oh, good good. I'm gonna go
hang myself in the bathroom.

So, Mother. What do you think?

Looks like that ugly poster
you had in college.

I'm sorry. I didn't get it then
and I don't get it now.

Grandma, it's obvious.

It describes
the violent confrontation

between the forces of nature.
And the inherent duality of man.

Or, it's a boat.

Tony, this is really
too generous.

-Are you sure, I can't pitch in?
-Yeah, honest, Angela, please.

This is no problem for me.
I can afford it.

Now, look, I gotta go tighten
this wire. I'll be right back.

-He can't afford it.
-But, how do you know?

Maybe he's skimming off
the grocery money.

-Padding the bills.
-Mother, please.

Well, that's what I do
at the office. I...

I mean, that's what I would do
if I didn't love you

so darn much. [LAUGHS]

Uh, here's
your new water stand.

Oh, thanks, Ern.

Ooh! A boat.

It's not a boat.
It's not a boat.

I don't think.

This is an important piece
of art that I bought for Angela.

Wow. What did that set you back,
couple 100 bucks?

-[SCOFFS] Add a zero.
-Two hundred thousand dollars!

-One zero, Ernie. One zero.
-Well, still. That's a lot.

Where do you get
that kind of money?

I have no idea.

Don't you have a stash
of mad money?

Mad money I got.
Bonehead money I'm all out of.

I used next semester's tuition
to pay for that.

And Christmas is coming, too.

Why don't you take a second job.
You know, moonlight.

Hey,
that's not a bad idea, Ernie.

Hey, maybe I can be
a water man like you, huh?

Ha! Boy, have you got
some ego on you.

We water men
are a very special breed.

I'm so sorry, Ernie.
You got any other ideas?

Actually I do. Yes.

There is a restaurant
on my route

and they're looking for waiters.
Pretty classy place.

Hey, that's not bad,
that's not bad.

I could work a few nights.
Pick up some quick cash.

Angela wouldn't even
have to know.

Let me make a call for you.

Oh, Ernie. Buddy. Thanks.
I owe you one.

-How about a date with Mona?
-[LAUGHS]

Boy, have you got some ego
on you.

Well, as you can see.

I have a lot of experience
as a waiter.

Uh-huh.

It's, uh, it's all--
it's all right there

on--on my application.

Uh-huh.

But you have to, uh, you know,
lower your eyes

to see that, you know.

I've seen enough.
You got the job.

Um, uh, look, maybe we should
get something straight, um...

See, I'm--I'm already involved
with someone.

So?

So--So you keep looking at me

like I'm--I'm some
kind of pastry.

Easy, cupcake. Let me explain.

Every Monday night
is ladies' night,

and all the waiters wear this.

There's, uh, there's, uh...
[STUTTERING] There's no shirt.

-I know. Can you start tonight?
-Oh, no way, no way.

I mean, I--I got too much pride
and dignity to be--

To go traipsing around
in some skimpy outfit

in front of a bunch
of overheated, screaming women.

-You know?
-MAGGIE: Uh-huh.

-Hey, Maggie.
-Huh?

I just got a 100-dollar tip
off my first table.

Would you put it
in the safe for me?

So one size fits all?

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

-Ooh!
-Ooh!

-Hey, Tony. Tony.
-Yeah?

Could you get table
number four's

-drink orders for me?
-Sure, sure.

[SCREAMING]

Do we have health insurance?
[CHUCKLES]

Okay.

Hello, ladies. Uh...

-Uh, what would you like?
-A better view of your chest!

Move that tray!

-Move that tray!
-Move that tray!

-Move that tray!
-Move that tray!

Okay, okay.
Please, please, please.

Just calm down, calm down.
[CHUCKLES]

[ALL SCREAMING]

You are
the best-looking guy in here.

Oh, come on, please.

-You--You really think so?
-Oh, yeah.

Well, you know.
'Cause I was thinking.

Take a look at this--Take
a look at that blond over there.

I mean, he's, you know.

-He's dog meat compared to you.
-WOMAN: Yeah.

Really? Well,
I do try to work out,

and, you know,
most of it is nutrition.

[ALL SCREAMING]

[ALL SCREAMING]

[ALL SCREAMING]

Oh, thank you.

That's--Oh, that's so generous.
Thank you.

-Surprise!
-Surprise!

-Happy birthday!
-Happy birthday!

Guys, I'm so embarrassed.

Wow, look at that hunk
over there.

-Oh!
-[ALL CHEERING]

That's no hunk.
That's my father!

Dad!

Samantha!
What are you doing here?

What am I doing here?

Samantha, I don't approve of you
being in a place like this.

Well, at least
I have my clothes on.

Come over here.
Come over here. Come here!

I want an explanation,
and I want it now.

Well, that's--that's simple,
Sam.

I'm--
I'm your father's evil twin.

Um, no look, Sam. I...

I bought something for Angela
and I couldn't afford it.

So I had to take this job
to pay for it.

[SCOFFS] So, why did
you buy it then?

Because Angela wanted it.
And because...

because all these people
were looking at me

like I was some sort of,
kept man, you know?

And so, I had to prove to them
that I wasn't.

Oh. So in other words,

to prove that you're not some
sort of sex object,

you took a job
parading around half naked

in front of a bunch
of screaming women.

Well, it's not a perfect world,
Sam.

-Tell me about it, Dad.
-Okay, now look--

Hey, sweet cheeks!

We're thirsty!

Sweet cheeks, that's me.

-[CHUCKLES]
-SAMANTHA: That's you.

Oh, hi. [CHUCKLES]

-Hi.
-TONY: Hi.

-How'd things go at the library?
-Oh, fine, fine.

-Fine.
-Good, good.

Okay, okay. I'll talk.

I wasn't at the library.

I was at Willie and Guillermo's.

It was ladies' night,
and I was working there.

I was scantily dressed.

Exposing my body
to a roomful of screaming women.

Oh. That's nice.

I'm serious.

You are!

Tony, why would you do
such a crazy thing?

'Cause I--'Cause I needed
the money.

You needed the m--

Oh. I knew it. The painting.

I wish you would've
let me help you out.

Don't you see, Angela,
that's the problem.

I'm tired of being
Mr. Angela Bower.

Tony, come on.
Nobody thinks of you like that.

Well, maybe the auctioneer.

And Ernie and that Maitre d'.

And all your friends.
And get a load of this.

Here. Check this out.

"You may have already
won one million dollars."

"Mr. Angela Bower."

Even Ed.

Since when do you care
what other people think?

Since I started dating a babe
with deep pockets.

[SIGHS] I mean, things were just

so much simpler when I was
just a housekeeper

and you were my boss.
Angela...

I don't know
if I can handle this.

Uh. Oh.

I see.

Well, I guess it's more serious
than I thought.

Yeah.

I mean, I got
a real problem here.

Well, you shouldn't.

You, of all people,

know that money
isn't the measure of a man.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got the love, respect,
and admiration of my family.

Big deal.

Tony. Don't be so hard
on yourself.

You've just started
this new career.

Who knows how
far you can go?

Oh, come on, Angela. Come on!

No matter where I end up. I'm--

I'm never gonna be
as successful as you.

You'll always be
the breadwinner,

and I'll be making crumbs.

So, what do you want me to do?
Sell my business,

go back to being a copywriter
and let you support us?

You--You'd do that for us?

-No!
-Well, it was your idea.

You...

You know...

That every day of my life...

I run up against guys

who can't handle the fact
that I'm a successful woman.

I thought you were different.

It's one of the things
I love about you.

But if you...

...can't handle it.

I guess it's better
we find out now.

Okay, I thought about it.

And here's how
we're gonna handle this,

and I don't want any arguments.
First...

in regards
to the aforementioned painting,

whatever the hell it is...

I've decided to grant you
permission to loan me the money.

Really?

The reason for the reversal
of my prior position

is that, upon reflection

and in light
of overwhelming evidence,

I've decided that I am a jerk.

I see that it's unanimous. Good.

Are you sure you're okay
about me helping you out here?

No, but I...

I love you enough
to give it a shot.

I'm glad.

I know this isn't easy.

I'd like to think
I'm mature enough...

to be in a relationship
with a woman like you

and still feel good
about myself.

That's great.

I'll get my check book. How much
do you want me to give you?

No, no! Don't say give!
Don't say give, I said loan!

Please. Please do not ruin this.

I--I'm sorry.

I'm gonna pay you back
with interest.

That's fair enough,
make it three percent.

Three percent. Come on, Angela.

That's like--That's like
giving it to me.

Make it 15.

Fifteen?
Your Uncle the loan shark

charges less than that.

-Make it five.
-Ten.

-Six.
-Eight.

-Seven.
-And a half.

-Deal.
-Deal.

Thank you, Angela,
for understanding and for...

...allowing me
to feel like a man.

You, uh...

really want to feel like a man?

What'd you, uh...

What'd you have in mind?

Open this jar.

[POPS]

Was it as good for you
as it was for me?

Who's the Boss will be back
in a moment. Stick around.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

I'm coming. I'm coming.

-[DOORBELL CHIMES]
-I'm coming, already!

Ed McMahon?

Are you Mr. Angela Bower?

No, no, Ed. Come here.
Come on in, please.

Um, um,
there is no Mr. Angela Bower.

There never was.
There never will be.

I'm Tony Micelli. You got it?

Okay, but, boy, that's--
that's too bad, 'cause...

Mr. Angela Bower...

just won one million dollars!

Well...

that's tough.

Wait a minute, Ed.
Ed, wait a minute! I--

I'm--I'm Mr. Bower.
I'm Mr. Angela! I'm Mr. Ed!

I'm anything you want me to be!
I love Star Search!

Leno should keep you!

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]