08x19 - Tony and the Honeymooners

[bunniefuu]

Okey-doke, Angelina.
[CHUCKLES] We're all set.

Let's see. I got--
I got Aliens,

I got City Slickers
and I got The Way We Were.

What do you want to do?
Scream, laugh, or cry?

I think, cry.
Oh,

good, good.
That sounds like fun.

All right. Let's see. You know,
I'm glad you said cry,

because here's yours,
and here's mine.

I haven't had a good cry
since, uh--

Sam's wedding?

Oh, please, please, don't--
don't mention that to me, huh!

I'm just-- I'm so glad all
that craziness is behind me.

Me too. The elopement,
in-laws, and all that
running around,

we haven't had
a moment's peace.

Yeah, well.
Now that that's passed,

it's time to get back
to you and me.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

And who's ever at the door.
[SCOFFS]

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

Hi!
Hi!

Hey, kids! Welcome back!
Oh! Come on in!

Honey! Hi!
Hey!

So, how are the newlyweds?

Fine, fine.
The honeymoon was great!

Oh, really? Did you have
good weather?

We don't know.

Okay, okay.
Moving on. Moving on.

So, what brings you kids by?

Oh, well actually, we kinda need
a place to stay for the night.

Oh?

We kind of got kicked out
of the dorm.

They don't allow
married couples.

Well, well, well, well, well.
[ANGELA SIGHS DEEPLY]

Seems that we kind
of didn't think

this married thing through,
did we?

Dad, don't start,
because tomorrow

we're gonna move into the
married couples' dorm.

Uh, so, you just need a place
to stay for the night, huh?

Ah ha. Well, gee-- you know,
Hank, your parents have that

great, big, brand new house.

I'm surprised
you didn't go there first?

We did.
You went to them first?

Yeah, but I couldn't
deal with it.

Right when we got there,
my dad started ragging on me

about quitting med school
to be a puppeteer.

You know, I'm starting to like
his father more and more.

Tony.
Yeah, well.

I knew this was a bad idea.
Come on, Hank, let's go.

No, no, no, wait a minute.
You're here. It's late.

It's only gonna be
for one night.

You might as well stay.
I don't know

if we should be here.
Come on.

Come on, Sam.
It's okay, it's okay.

And after all, you know,

your room will always
be your room.

Well, okay, thanks.
Come on, Hank.

And, uh, Hank...

This here couch will always
be your couch.

[♪♪♪]

♪ There's a time for love
And a time for livin' ♪

♪ Take a chance
And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road
And road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

♪ Nights are long
But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

I'm sleeping on the couch?
Dad, wait, wait.

We've been married for a week.

Well, even God rested
on the seventh day.

I'm sorry. It's-- it's just
a reflex. Just a reflex.

You-- you two should
be together tonight.

Thank you. Come on,
let's turn in, Hank.

It's been a long day
and my back's k*lling me

from carrying up
those suitcases.

Oh, honey,
I'll give you a massage.

[SOBS]

Oh, Tony. Are you sure
you're okay with this?

Your daughter spending
her honeymoon

in the room next to yours?

I'm fine. Hey, they--
they're married.

They're legal.

What's the problem?

[SAM GIGGLING]

[HANK LAUGHING]

SAM: Hank!
[SNORTS]

[DOOR OPENING]

[DOOR SHUTS]
[TONY GROANS]

[SAM AND HANK LAUGHING]

[BOTH GIGGLING]

[DOOR OPENING]

[SAM AND HANK RUNNING]

[DOOR SHUTS LOUDLY]

[GASPS]

[SIGHS]

Two o'clock and all this hell.

[SAM CONTINUES GIGGLING]

[SAM GIGGLING]

HANK: You told me.
SAM: I swear to God.

[IMITATES SAM]

[SIGHS] Much better.
[SAM AND HANK LAUGHING]

But not good enough.

Hey, Tony.

What are you doing out here?
I can't sleep, Angela!

All night long they're laughing,
they're giggling,

they're squeaking.
They're squeaking?

Well, not them, the door. They--
they keep going to the bathroom.

Who goes to the bathroom
that much?

And-- How-- What--
what are they doing in there?

And why they gotta go together?

Dad, would you please?
I'm trying to sleep.

[SCOFFS]

No, no,
you're not trying to sleep.

I'm trying to sleep
and didn't I warn you

about drinking so
much water late at night?

HANK: What's going on?

Uh-huh! I-- I suppose
you think that's cute.

Dad.
Hey, newlyweds, huh!

[TONY MURMURS]
I saw your car out front.

Are you kids staying here?
Yeah.

In the room next to Tony?
Yeah.

Hey, rock 'n' roll!

Kids, you go back
into your room and
get some sleep.

Okay, good night.
Good night.

Dad!
Yeah?

Shh!

I don't believe
this is happening to me.

Tony, Tony,
you are overreacting.

You're going to rest
a lot easier

once you get used
to Sam being married.

I'm used to her
being married,

I'm just not used to
her sharing her pajamas.

[DOOR SQUEAKING]

Uh!
That's it! Did you hear that?

Yes.
That's that door again.

I gotta do something
or I won't sleep.

Uh, stay out of it, Tony.
No, no. Get some more cotton.

He is never going
to get through this alive.

Well, she is his only daughter.

[HAMMERING]

SAM: Dad, what are you doing?
TONY: It's okay, Samantha!

SAM: No, no,
it is not okay.

[TONY GRUNTS]

What in the world?
I do-- I don't want to know.

[CHUCKLES]

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Good morning.
Oh, good morning.

Sleep okay after you ripped off
the newlyweds' door?

I know. It was--
it was a stupid,

immature thing to do,
but I slept like a baby.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Well, lucky for them.
They're leaving today.

And you and I can get back
to the way we were

if you get my drift.

Oh, oh, do I ever,
because I love the way we were.

Oh, gee, not you, too.

Keep it up and I'm taking
this door off.

You're in the kitchen
for goodness sakes.

There are health codes.

Huh? One kid gone.
Two to go. [LAUGHS]

Morning.
Oh, good morning, good morning.

Sam, let me-- Hey, hey...

Uh, Sam, I-- I think
we should talk.

Oh, no problem.
My door is always open.

Sam-- Sam, uh, I'm glad
that you can laugh about this.

That's only because
we're leaving today.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello. Uh, just a minute.
Sam, honey, it's for you.

Thanks. I'll take it
in the living room

where I can have some privacy.

Ooh!

Well, she's your problem now,
Hank.

Well, thank you.
All right.

Hey, catch.
Whoa!

Glad we're not having oatmeal.

That's tomorrow.
Wear a hat.

Mm! Wow! These are great!

They're so light and fluffy.
How do you do it?

I hand whip the batter.

A hundred to the left,
a hundred to the right

makes those pancakes
ready for flight.

Incoming!
Whoa!

He calls them
Air Jemimas.

If we don't laugh,
we don't eat.

Oh... [CHUCKLES]
...Air Jemimas!

Oh, Sam, your-- your father
makes the greatest pancakes.

Flip her one, Tony.
Incoming!

Sam, what's the matter?

That was just school. There's no
married housing available.

Oh, no, honey.

That-- that-- that's terrible.
What are you gonna do?

My friends Tom and Sheryl
have a place.

Yeah, not to mention twins!
Good point.

And everyone I know
lives in the dorm.

What are we gonna do?

SAM: I don't know.
Well...

I guess you'll be staying
here a while longer.

Oh, no. No, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

Hey, hey, hey. I don't like it
any more than you do,

just so happens that we're
in a position to help.

I mean if-- if that's okay
with Angela.

[STAMMERS] Of co-- of course,
although it's hardly ideal,

uh, for you, I mean.

I know, there's no way
we're staying here

after what happened last night.
Right, Hank?
[TONY CLICKS TONGUE]

Mm, well...
Hank!

Sam, I don't think
we have any other choice.

I mean, we can't go
to my parent's place.

I know, I know.
Anyways,

we'll only stay here
until we find a place

we can afford.
I know.

And not a second more.

Fine, I'm happy about that
'cause let me tell you something

the sooner you're out of here,
the happier I'll be. [CHUCKLES]

Now, who wants seconds?
I do!

[CHUCKLES] Okay!

[DOOR OPENS]

Tony?
No, it's me.

ANGELA: Oh.
Sorry.

ANGELA: Well,
that's okay.

Your father promised
he'd be back

to watch City Slickers
with me.
On fast forward?

Yeah. See, I've--
I've gotta return the tapes

in about an hour.
So, I'm just going
to the good parts.

Oh, oh. Here's the part
where the little calf is born.

[COW MOOING OVER TV]

Oh!
Oh!

[BOTH LAUGH]
Well, I've got good news.

Hank found a place
we could afford.

And as soon as he gets back,
we're gonna go look at it.

Oh, that's great news!
When are you moving out?

I-- mean, I mean, your--
your first apartment. Wow!

SAM: Hank, you're here.
Hi, guys!

Let's go to look
at our new place!

Don't bother. It was a dump.

SAM: Huh?

Wait a minute,
that's where you were?

TONY: Yeah!
Wait, you took Dad

to see the apartment?

Yeah, and we
turned it down.
Hmm.

"We" turned it down.

Why did we do that?

Oh, it just wasn't a good
apartment, Sam.

Ask the Hankman, here.
[CHUCKLES]

Oh, I plan to. Sweetheart.
HANK: Excuse us.

So, the apartment
was pretty awful, was it?

Oh, gee, it's too bad to--
You know, I'm so disappointed.

I mean, it was right in their--
right in their price range,

you know, and they
could've moved in today.

Oh, darn. We were
so close, you know.

Yes, weren't we?

How could you make a decision
this important without me?

[STAMMERS] I wanted
to check it out.

You had class and Tony
offered to come.

Right. So, he could
find things wrong with it.

So, he could get you
to turn it down.

So, he could keep
his little girl under his thumb.

I think, you're overreacting.
I am not overreacting!

I do not overreact!
My father overreacts!

Okay. Listen, Sam,
no offence,

but maybe the problem here
isn't your father at all.

May-- maybe it's you.

What I'll do is, I'll just keep
helping him, try to find a place

and, hey, worse
comes to worst,

they stay here
until Hank graduates.

Three months?

Hey, I- I don't
like it anymore
than you do, Angela.

Uh, sure you don't but, uh--

Tony, I was just selfishly

hoping to spend a little more
time alone with you.

Oh and we'll have it, Angela.
We will. We'll have it.

Listen, the door's back
on the hinges, right?
Yeah.

I got plenty of cotton
for my ears. [CHUCKLES]

From now on, it's just you
and me in paradise,

like-- like Adam and Eve.

Excuse me. Is that offer
for the couch still open?

Adam and Eve and Hank.

Okay, here you go, huh?
All the comforts of home.

If we had a home.

Oh, come on, Hank.
Come on now.

Get your mind off that,
all right?

Come on.
You're right. You're right.

[SIGHS]

Hey, uh...

wh-- what's that?

Well, uh, it's just a puppet
I've been working on.

I'm trying to develop
some new characters

for this cable show
I'm gonna be doing this summer.

Oh, really, yeah?
Well, wha-- what is it?

Is it, uh, like an animal
or something?

Sort of.
Yeah?

What do you think?

I think one of us
is gonna have a nightmare.

[IMITATES TONY]
A hundred to the left,
a hundred to the right

makes those
pancakes ready for
flight. Incoming!

Hey, hey, hey,
that doesn't sound like me.

[IMITATES TONY] Hey, hey, hey,
that doesn't sound like me.

Okay, I get the idea.
Okay, I get the idea.

Hey, oh. Oh, hey.

Hey, oh. Oh, hey--
[SHRIEKS]

Hey, one more word
out of me, and you're dead.

[HANK GROANS]
Oh, my gosh,

I'm strangling a puppet.

Weirdest thing I've ever seen.

Oh, Jonathan. Did you see Sam?
Did she say anything?

Nothing!
What am I gonna do?

All right, all right.
Relax, relax.

Sit down there, huh.
Jonathan, you sit too.

I'm gonna tell you something.
Maybe you could learn
something here.

I wanna give you
a little advice about women.

Let me tell you something.
Most guys think

they know something about women,
but they don't.

I, however, do.

Yeah?
That's right. First of all--

first of all, women stay mad
longer than men.

How do you know that?
I timed them.

Where's Hank?
Why isn't he here?

We promised we'd never
go to bed mad at each other.

Mm, what does
it matter?

As long as you wake up
in a human knot.

I miss him so much.
Mm.

I know, dear.

No, you don't understand
how frustrating it is

to finally find the person
you wanna be with,

only to wind up apart.
Well, actually I have--

I mean, it's so frustrating
to be close and yet so far.

To be under the
same roof but not to be
able to see each other

because someone
keeps butting in.

You have no idea
how tough it is.

Don't bet the farm
on it, missy.

Huh?

You think you're the center
of the universe

with your cute
little newlywed problems.

Well, you're wrong,
baby face.

Here I am trying to be
with the guy I love

that I waited eight years for.
Not two months.

Eight years, eight long,
lonely years, and what happens,

you waltz in here,
and take all that
away from me.

Bitter?
You bet I am!

I suppose now wouldn't
be a good time

to say you
need a root job.

Gee. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
Angela, I didn't realize.

This must be harder on you
than anybody.

It's okay.
I'm handling it.

And real well too.

TONY: ♪ Oops, there goes
Another rubber tree ♪

♪ Oops, there goes
Another rubber tree ♪

BOTH: ♪ Oops, there goes
Another rubber tree plant ♪

♪ Kerplop ♪

[SIGHS]
I was wrong.

This is the
weirdest thing
I've ever seen.

[IMITATES HANK]
Come back here!

[IMITATES TONY]
Incoming!

Oh! Oh, did I oversleep?
What did I miss?

Nothing. Tony, listen--

Where are the kids?
They're in the kitchen.

They're talking.
Good, good, good.

Leave them alone.
Why, I just--
I just wanna make sure--

They're doing fine.

To tell you the truth,
uh, I'm not
surprised because...

I gave Hank a little advice
about how to be,

you know,
sensitive to women.

Tony, can we talk?
Not now, Angela.

But Tony...

Please, Tony, we-- we have a--
[SHUSHES]

Tony, we haven't had a chance
much lately, please?

Okay, okay, okay.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
You're right.

You're right. I'm sorry,
I'm all yours.

Thank you.
[SIGHS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Right after I answer
the door. Excuse me.

ANGELA: Please!
I'll just get the door.

FRAN: I know
you don't wanna be here!

JOE: I'm here, aren't I?
Huh, huh, huh?

FRAN: After I drag you
kicking and screaming?

You haven't heard screaming yet!
You wanna hear screaming.
I'm gonna give you--

Hi!
Hi. Gosh,

it's good to see you.
Is Hank here?

TONY: Yes, yes.
Come on in.

I hope we're
not interrupting.

Oh, no, no. Angela and I
weren't doing anything.

Yeah, come on in.
Not a thing.

Uh, we just didn't like the way
things ended the other night

with Hank walking
out and all.
Didn't like?

She's been haunting
me about this for the
past two days.

I'll haunt you to the grave
if you don't make peace

with Hank.
I welcome the grave.

It'll be the only
peace and quiet

I've had in the
last 23 years!
Oh, oh, oh!

Hey, hey, hey. My bad, okay?
No, Fran. Come on, now,

you shouldn't be talking
to each other like that

or-- or making those noises.
[CHUCKLES]

Come on.
Why don't we sit down

and try to straighten this out?
Come on. Sit down.

Angela, Angela, move.
Come on. Make room.

Sit down. Now, Joe, Joe.
Come on, now.

You-- you must--
you must

listen to what Fran
is trying to say to you.

Thank you, Tony.

You're such a
lucky woman.

Mom, Dad,
what are you doing here?

We came here to talk to you.

Wait a minute-- wait a minute.
Did you-- did you guys make up?

Yeah.
Oh, that's great.

Hey, we got one fight settled,
huh, and Hank, come on,

let's patch things up
between you and your dad.

What do you say?
Come on, sit down.

Angela, make room. Get out
of there, get out of there!

TONY: All right.

Come on, Joe, go ahead.
Listen, son, um,

I'm sorry I made
fun of you and your doll.

Joe. Joe. They're puppets,
Joe. They're puppets.

And by the way,

he has some very fascinating
characters in there.

He made one of you too, huh?

Okay, your father promises

not to make fun of your career
and your earring.

So-- so, if you still looking
for a place to stay,

you can come and
live with us.

Oh, we'd love to.
No way.

Wait, why not?
Because he'll be nice

for a couple of days,
then he'll start all over again.

That's it. Open season
on the earring.

Oh, come on.
Give your son a chance.

SAM: Give your
dad a chance.

Give your dad a chance!
Oh, no it's--

[INDISTINCT ARGUMENT]

People. People. People!
[BLOWS WHISTLE]

[CHUCKLES]

Okay, let's try something else,
a new tack.

Something I learned in psych.
Let's do role reversal, okay?

Now, Sam, you're gonna be Hank.
And Hank, you're gonna be Sam.

Dad, why don't you let us
take care of our problems

and you go take care
of yours.

I don't have
any problems, Samantha.

Spoken to Angela lately?

Oh, where'd she go?

Okay, I'll be right back.
Joe, you're Fran.

Angela, I'm-- I'm sorry
I got involved in there.

[CLANKING]
Angela?

Angela, what are you doing?
Cleaning.

It makes me feel better.

Since when?

Since I've been
using your face!

Oh, Little Tony.

All right. I--
I think we need to talk.

Why bother?
Because the minute
I start, you're gone,

off to solve somebody
else's problem.

The kids, the in-laws.
It's always Tony to the rescue.

Oh, well, you think
I like that, Angela?

You think I like all these
people coming to me
with their problems?

You think it's fun being
the guy who always
has the answers?

Excuse me. I have to go
scrub the toilets.

Oh, no, no, no. Come on,
now, Angela, not that.

Surf's up.
Oh, come on, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. I don't like this

any more than you do.
Ha!

You love it.
There's nothing you love
more than family drama.

You love the excitement

and the crisis, and being
the center of attention.

I can't believe you
could say that, Angela.

I'm not happy with
them moving in here.

I haven't had a good night
sleep since they moved in.

Of course not, because
you were up all last night

singing show tunes.

♪ Oops, there goes
Another rubber tree ♪

Oh, wait a minute.
Hold it, hold it.

That wasn't me.

That was Little Hank
and Little Tony.

Well, don't you worry.
He's being punished.

Ow!

Oh, Angela!
Face it.

You thrive on being involved

in everybody else's life,
but mine.

Oh, whoa, whoa!
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Come-- come back here.
Come back here.

Okay. I'm-- I'm sorry
that I, uh...

I neglected you.
I'm sorry. I, uh,

I guess, I did let the kids
get in the way of us.

You know, because it-- it--
kinda felt good...

to be needed again.

Thank you.

Look, Tony.
I wanna help the kids out
as much as you do.

But if they're gonna stay here
you just have to resist

the temptation to get involved.

You're right, Angie.
You're 100 percent right.

And I can change,
Angela.

I can change and I will,
for you.

Let me tell you something.
We're gonna spend time
together and--

and nothing's
gonna distract me.

Really?
No, absolutely, Angela.

From this moment on,
from right now,

I'm going cold turkey,
Angela. Cold turkey.

No more Mr. Fix it.
No more getting involved.

Okay? I tell you what.
Let's go to the movies.

Really?
Yeah. I wanna see
Beauty and the Beast again.

Okay.
TONY: Come on, let's go.

Hank and I need our own...
Look.

...place and we
can afford it

if I get a job. I'll just
drop out of school.

Oh, hold it! That's it!
Tony! Tony!

I held my tongue
long enough, Angela.

Sam, you're not dropping out
and Hank, you're not moving
back with your parents.

No, Dad, you don't--
No,

you wanna live with me,
Sam, that's okay,

'cause you can move right
into Mona's apartment.

What? What?

And you can move
into Sam's room.

and then everybody
will be happy.

Oh, no. I-- I think
we ought to discuss this

or talk--
Now wait. Please.

You guys, you know,
straighten this out

between yourselves,
because you know me

I don't like to get involved.

All right? Let's go.
Come on, let's go to the movies.

TONY: Who's the Boss?
Will be back in a moment.
Stick around.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Yeah?

Tony.
Yeah?

Kids are all tucked
into my place.

Hey, Mona. I really appreciate
you swapping spots

with-- with Sam, you know.

And you sure you're gonna
be all right in her room?

Eh, I'll adjust.
[CHUCKLES]

Thanks, Mona.
[CHUCKLES]

MONA: Nighty-night.
Okay.

Hey, Mona.
You're the greatest.
I know.

[BOTH LAUGH]

She's a k*ller. [LAUGHS]

Mona? Say, you're not Mona.

Good eye.
Well,

I brought her these flowers
'cause we had a little fight

the other night.
See, what happened was...

Yeah, yeah, all right, wait--
...I was over at her place...

Really, I'm not interested.
It's-- it's that window,

right over there.
Let me give you a hand.

Mona!

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]