04x17 - Tales from the Confessional

[bunniefuu]

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

Hello, my friends.

So, here I am in the confessional booth.

Bless me father for I have sinned.

It's been six days since my last confession.

Uh, good morning, I figured I'd get this out of the way-y..

...as soon as possible, while I'm not fully..

...awake, uh..

It's really hot in here.

Should be like, a fan.

It's, uh..

...it's two O'clock at night on Thursday night

and I couldn't fall asleep

because I've had some stuff on my mind.

I figure, what a..

There's no better place to get stuff off your chest

than up in the confessional room, so, here I am.

Why don't I take off all of my clothes and sit here nude?

You'd definitely see a different side of Kat Ogden.

[Kat] This is the story..

[Neil] Of seven strangers..

Seven strangers..

[Jacinda] Picked to live in a house..

[Jay] And have their lives taped..

[Lars] To find out what happens..

[Mike] When people stop being polite..

[Sharon] And start getting real..

"The Real World...London."

[instrumental music]

I'm living with six people that until

two-and-a-half months ago I didn't even know

that they had been born.

I didn't even know they existed.

And you know what, I could have lived my whole life

and not known they existed and it would have never impacted

upon me it would have never changed anything.

I would still have been Kat Ogden.

I would have still had, like, my life, my life in New York.

But, now I'm living with seven people that I would have

never have met under any natural circumstances.

[Lars] 'Anybody know any funny stories?'

No.

[Sharon] Does anybody have anything..

'...embarrassing that happened to them?'

[Neil] 'I've got one.'

I was lying on a doctor's table in an emergency room

about O'clock in the morning shouting

"Please, please, tell me my favorite organ is okay."

'Well, I had this girlfriend'

'and, you know, we were quite keen at the time'

as you are when you're .

And we're like in the middle of town

just sort of come out from the pub..

...and so we decided to have..

- Have sex. - 'Where?'

[Neil] 'In this bandstand right in the middle of the town.'

The kind of, initial thrust was-s painful

in a strangely pleasurable kind of way

and I was thinking, "Hmm, this is not quite right."

We kinda stopped, and I looked down

and there's this huge throbbing lump

coming out of the end of my #*##*.

You're #*##* kidding me.

No, and I went, "Holy #*##*!

What's going on?" So I was going, "Ahh!

"Ah, my #*##* is exploding, my #*##* is exploding!"

[Lars] 'Oh, come on, give me a break.'

[Neil] 'No, no, I'm serious, I'm serious.'

Don't know if I should buy into this or not.

- No, I'm serious. - Okay.

So, I ended up going to the, like, emergency room

in the local hospital and saying

"Oh, my God, my #*##* exploded."

And they got this doctor out of bed to come around.

And he's like, "Oh, you just burst a blood vessel

it will be all right." And then I had to ring up my mother.

'Because I was riding a motorbike at the time.'

So, I couldn't, obviously, ride a motorbike home.

So, I was like... called my mother and said

"Ah, could you come and get me, I'm at the hospital?"

"Why?"

"Doesn't matter, just come and get me."

[laughing]

I said, "Mum, my #*##* exploded, just come and get me."

Oh, no, how the hell did you break that one?

Yeah.

So, she said, "So you're having sex, now, are you?"

"Yes."

Whoops.

Out! out, I'm doing my confessional, Lars!

[Lars] 'Well, you didn't close the door and then..'

Well, I thought it was 'cause..

Okay, you can come and sit in if you be a good boy.

[indistinct chatter]

No, no, no, no, honestly, we have to be good now.

You can sit, but you have to sit over there.

[indistinct chatter]

Yes, my cigarettes. I don't want cigarettes.

Thank you very much.

Sorry! Hang on a second.

[dog barking]

[Kat] I remember being

and thinking that I was so ugly

and that I was never ever, ever

going to be able to talk to people normally

like a normal human being.

I just...I was, I was just gross.

I got told in grade six

that I'd been voted the ugliest girl in the class.

- Oh-h*, h*, Jacinda! - Can you imagine?

[Jacinda] 'I came up and I was told'

"Jacinda, you've been voted the ugliest girl in the class."

It did not do good for your already-dwindling self esteem.

[Kat] 'I got told that I would be pretty'

if I knew how to do my hair.

[laughing]

I watch too much TV.

But..

I think yesterday I kept feeling like

well, one of my favorite shows used to be "Quantum Leap"

and at the start of the episode

he'd jump into somebody else's body.

And he'd have to figure out where he was

and who the people were around him and

and who he was himself, that's kinda..

I felt like the first five minutes

of "Quantum Leap" all yesterday.

[instrumental music]

[Mike] 'So all of you eat dead animals?'

[Neil] 'Yeah, preferably live ones, but..'

[Mike] 'Let's put the dog in.'

No, no, he'll poop on it. #*##* on my bacon.

He pooped next to your bed, did you see that?

You're kidding.

Between your bed and between your desk.

[laughing]

[Lars] 'Just to let you know.'

Someone has to really teach the dog.

- Well, maybe-- - I should take the dog out.

Why don't you teach it a lesson of personal hygiene?

[Kat] 'Neil!'

- 'Yeah!' - 'Neil!'

- 'Neil, wait!' - 'Dude!'

[Kat] 'Neil!'

[clamoring]

Neil!

[clamoring]

[Sharon] 'Stop, Neil.'

Don't you dare put it in it like there.

No!

'Neil, do it.'

'Oh #*##*!'

'I rescued him.'

'Cruel, evil boy.'

[Kat] 'What were you going to do?'

I shoved his nose in it.

- Did you squish it with it? - I tried.

But Sharon started fighting me for him.

'God. Let me go and get it again.'

Come on, it's just a little dog.

Should wake up in the morning and take the dog out.

Come home, take the dog out.

Before you go to bed, take the dog out.

[instrumental music]

I know as a person

sometimes I can be

such a strong woman in control of my life

and at other times I can be such a huge kid.

But, I know, I mean, I know..

I know that I consist of those polar opposites.

But..

I like that I can be both the extremes, too.

I wouldn't want to be too balanced.

[instrumental music]

♪ When it's not always rainin'

♪ There'll be days like this

♪ When there's no one complainin' ♪

♪ There'll be days like this

♪ When everything falls into place ♪

♪ Like the flick of a switch

♪ Well my mama told me

♪ There'll be days like these ♪

[laughing]

[Jacinda] 'Sharon, you gotta raise it!'

It's hailing on me, ow!

It's stinging and everything.

It's really nightmarish.

It's not really the right weather

to be going sightseeing.

Oh!

They're really stinging, it hurts.

[clamoring]

Stinging my face.

Oh, Sharon, watch your umbrella.

Oh, sorry.

[screaming]

[laughing]

Could you just wrap my scarf around my head, please?

- Where? - Oh, over my head.

Oh, quickly because of the hail stones.

Quick.

No, not like that, I look like a Russian refugee.

There you go.

Jacinda, I think he peed on me.

JC?

[chuckling] Oh, my God.

Jacinda, he peed on me.

[Jacinda] I'll be back...in a moment.

[dog barking]

[drums music]

Life is a constant quest

to find out who you are..

And I know I don't know who I am yet

and I'm sure no one else in this house knows who they are yet.

But, it's, that seems like what it's all about.

It's all about, you know..

..."Who is Mike Johnson?"

And you should make the right decisions and the wrong ones.

It's all about learning from those decisions.

Those triumphs and those tragedies

and finding out, you know

Well, Mike, you don't like..

You don't like this, whatever.

You know, and you do like this.

You do like ranch dressing.

And you don't like French, you know, and..

I mean, I don't know everything about myself

and I might never, I might not ever..

...know it all about myself.

I might never find it all out.

But I think I'm very particular because..

...because I do know some things

and I'm not always second-guessing myself.

I mean, I'm sayin'..

I like ranch dressing on my potato skins.

♪ Mercy

♪ Mercy ego trip ego trip

♪ Mercy ego trip ego trip

♪ Mercy aah aah aah aah

♪ Aah aah aah aah

My canine tooth is the same length as all the other teeth.

[indistinct chatter]

America is the home of the brave and the free.

I saw you with something in your hand

that I knew wasn't good for you. So, I discerned--

[Jacinda] 'How do you know it's not good for me?'

Because the Koran is not the word of God.

It's the false word of fallen men.

And the Bible says that if anyone

denies Jesus is the son of God they are accursed.

- Don't accuse the Muslims. - I accuse what is right.

No, no, but you said you came up

to save my soul because you saw me with this book.

[male #] 'Yeah, I'll gladly give you a Bible, I won't charge you.'

I never charged for anything.

No, the point is it's a book, it's paper.

[male #] 'You're a demon and you're on your way to hell.'

[male #] 'Yes, thank you and how did you judge?'

Jesus never said to say that to me.

[male #] 'The Bible is the word of God that judges.'

The Bible didn't tell you to say that either.

The Bible doesn't tell you to walk up to

people and say they're demons, now.

We came to follow Jesus, you came to follow Jesus.

Read the Bible because it does say that.

I have read the Bible. I grew up in a Christian way of life.

[male #] 'Have you ever read the New Testament where it says--'

No, I haven't read it word-for-word..

But I do know for a fact that Jesus did not say

human beings should go call people demons.

I know that much.

We're now gonna breathe in for four.

[Jay] 'And why are we doing this again?'

We're doing this to, to open up the lungs

to make sure they're breathing to their full capacity.

Are you honestly comfortable like that?

You don't look comfortable like that.

- I was gonna say. - I'm not pretending to be..

You're not telling me to be comfortable, you're telling me

to squat with my feet underneath my a*s.

Lars is assuming, it's good posture.

Just be like this, Jay.

[Sharon] 'Okay, so, we're gonna'

breathe in for four through the nose.

We'll hold for four.

You'll exhale for four through the mouth, okay?

Okay.

[all inhaling]

[laughing]

I was gonna exhale!

[laughing]

What is really, what is so comical, you guys just..

[Sharon] 'I'm fine holding my breath!'

♪ Ya he he he he ♪

[instrumental music]

[sirens blaring]

There's a stink out there in the city tonight.

I've just been cycling from..

...SoHo to Notting Hill.

And there's something kind of hanging in the air..

Just sticks to you like #*##*.

It's the stink of just too many people..

Smell of diesel..

...carbon monoxide, chip fat.

People in suits spending their money..

To get their kicks in time for work tomorrow.

You can feel it as you cycle through it

how it just sticks to you..

...coats your whole body.

It's the kinda stink you ought to get

in big cities.

[instrumental music]

[Mike] 'Sharon, does that excite you?'

No, I can't even believe you're doing it.

- 'Just hanging out here.' - To be absolutely honest..

I cannot actually believe that you're going to the loo.

- While I'm doing my-- - 'Do you hear that?'

I really didn't think that you were gonna go through with it.

I'm just so shocked, actually that I'm just standing here.

- Still doing my eyebrows. - I'll pee in the sink for you.

I cannot believe that you're sitting there doing that.

I'm just doing my eyebrows like a good girl.

Don't you ever have that feeling like you just want to escape?

Just thought I'd check.

[indistinct chatter]

[strumming guitar]

♪ It's your fate western greed

♪ To escape on the street

♪ Chummy's there with my name on ♪

♪ Chummy's there with my name on ♪

♪ Didn't put the eggs in didn't put the cheese in ♪

♪ Forgot just what the ingredients should be ♪

♪ Went to the store to find some food ♪

♪ I want something filling me

♪ Now my quest has been complete ♪

♪ Now my quest has been complete ♪

♪ Didn't put the eggs in did put the cheese in ♪

♪ Forgot just what the ingredients should be ♪♪

Thank you.

[male #] Cheese! Cheese!

Oh, my God, what's going on?

I'm sorry, but Lars and Kat

are having sex on the floor!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Guys, this isn't even funny!

[Kat moaning]

Guys!

Why can't you just #*##* quietly?

Okay.

Listen to Lars breathing.

Okay, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Shh, shh, shh, be good, be good.

Okay.

Um...where was I?

It would just be so easy to get..

...any one of the guys in this house.

All you'd have to do is..

...act the way they wanted you to act.

And in a second

you...you could get any one of the guys.

I don't think...umm..

Well, I don't think any of them are, would be, would be

from a woman's perspective, hard to get.

[instrumental music]

[Jacinda] Could one of you guys carry me down.

I'll try, it's dangerous.

- On your back? - Yeah.

Beware, when I jump up, it's going to be the hardest thing.

Okay. Hang on tight, ready?

Oh, oh, oh, Jesus.

Oh, my God.

Somebody is gonna die, and it's gonna be me.

I can't move my feet, look what she did with her feet

I can't move them.

- Wait, wait, wait! - Holy!

Oh, h*, h*!

I knew that was gonna happen.

[instrumental music]

It's fresh deodorant is probably what it is.

D'hote Conoir?

I don't wear cologne, man, it's not me.

Well, what you, what, what, what deodorant is it?

I, it's, I don't know, it's like "Right Guard."

"Right Guard?" What's "Right Guard?"

I don't put that under

my armpits, you know what I'm saying?

What do you put under your armpits?

You just let them sweat?

No, I put "Obsession" under my armpits.

- Oh, God, do you really? - Yeah.

You put perfume in your armpits?

No, I'm talking about some

gluey type of deodorant sticky-stick.

Oh, well, this is "Right Guard"

It's like the American #*##* sticky-stick.

So my dad had like this bad day

and he came home and it was just like me and my brothers.

And he looked at the couch and he's like

"That thing is #*##* ugly."

And he goes, "We're getting rid of that piece of #*##*."

So, we went and we bought hot dogs and marshmallows

and we had like potatoes in the house already.

And he pulled the, he pulled the couch out on the front lawn

which is like really big

it's like an acre's worth of lawn.

So it's not fair calling it a "lawn."

And he got like the bed frame

from my mom and dad's bed in his bedroom

because it was starting to like, you know, sag

and, you know, they needed to replace it.

And we broke it all down. We had a big bonfire.

[chuckling] So, my mom came home.

We were all sitting out in the front yard and it's raining.

My dad's got all this gasoline

all over the, the couch and it's all on fire.

And he's like

[chuckling] "Margaret, we're redecorating."

[instrumental music]

Reagan was stupid, but Bush was evil.

[chuckling] He was evil, definitely.

[Mike] 'There's no perfect person'

for every class and every race, you know.

I mean, I don't know the fa.. I don't know who, who did what

when and where, you know.

[Neil] Well, maybe you should if you're gonna vote.

- Yeah. - True.

You got a point there, Neil.

I don't know #*##*, but I'll vote for Bush.

Yeah, it's what got him in power in the first place.

[Neil] Who would you vote for, Kat?

Hmm? I don't want Bush again.

But at the same time

it would have meant that the economy stayed the same

because we knew that Clinton was gonna introduce a lot of new

I mean, any time you choose Republican to Democrat

he's gonna want to do more social stuff.

It's gonna be more higher taxes, right?

There's are people who are below your social standing

who got #*##* over by the Republicans.

'But, you're saying you don't care.'

'You're saying that you don't give a #*##*'

about the people who are dying on the streets

because, you know, I've got college education to think of.

Well, Neil, who would you have voted for?

I would have seconded Clinton the best out of a bad bunch.

You don't live there, I'm sorry.

And you've only been to like certain parts of the U.S..

That's got #*##* to do with that.

I mean, it doesn't take much to understand

how #*##* evil the Republicans are.

[Mike] 'Republicans offer people the capitalistic view.'

They say, "Hey, if you want to grab your sack

"and do something with your life

"you can do it in my world.

'"But if you want to be lazy and do nothing'

then that's your choice, too." I mean if I--

The rich put a lot more back into community

than you think, though.

'You know, granted, I'm not saying my dad is right'

and, you know, he's like

"Well, I can have this or I can help--"

[Neil] He's like, "Well, what should I do to help the community?

"I'll build another racetrack somewhere

so my rich mates can drive around it."

- I mean, #*##* that. - There's plenty of jobs.

I mean, in this country, I mean, Sharon was ill

someone came and looked after her.

In your country, Sharon was ill, she'd be dead.

[laughing]

You know, I'm not gonna get involved in the issue

of whether Sharon should be dead or not.

But, I mean, I think Sharon now has the option to be alive.

We could have a new roommate, we can have cool, we could have

her stereo, you could have the single for a while.

[Lars] That's true, I could have the single room.

Well, now you're talking, if I only I'd known that before.

[chuckling] America is better.

'In America Sharon would be dead.'

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

Wednesday.

[Sharon] 'I like that beginning, bravo.'

Some day in March..

I don't know the date, I don't care about the date.

I don't even know the time, you know what I'm saying.

[Kat moaning]

[Lars] 'This sauce is made for adding meat.'

- 'Do you have meat?' - 'No! I don't have meat.'

[Lars] 'Just add meat.'

Well, let's just use this sauce with no meat, uh..

Oh, you can't do it, it says, add, add meat.

It doesn't say you have to add meat.

Oh, yeah, it says, "Just add meat.

With extra chunky vegetables."

Okay, you try that.

Hmm, this is going to be yummy.

We're gonna sit down now..

...have a comfy, have some yummy food.

You want a spoon or you want a fork?

Uh, what would they do in Germany?

In Germany, what, I cooked an Italian dish.

The question was wrong.

[laughing]

Oh, Lars, this turned out good.

'Why don't you take that eyelash back?'

- Eyelash. - Yeah.

You think it's mine?

Yeah.

It's not an eyelash, it's a "Nose lash."

[laughing]

Well, in that case.

[laughing]

You were trying to, uh..

[laughing]

You got home an hour ago, and we're still up.

[Jay] 'Whose idea was it to make the pasta?'

- Yours, it was yours. - Oh, no, no.

I was gonna go to bed, it was your idea.

[Jay] 'Oh, that's so far from the truth.'

No, seriously, it was your idea.

You said, "We're gonna cook pasta."

And I said, "Okay you do the sauce, I'll do the pasta."

[Jay] 'No, but then my senses got the better of me'

and I said, "Let's go, I'm going to bed."

[Lars] 'Oh, man, we wasted our time.'

'There is so much to do tomorrow.'

[Jay] 'Now my stomach is just burbling.'

I'm not gonna get any sleep.

[laughing]

[chuckling] What happened?

[Jay laughing]

[Jay] 'Ooh!'

[female narrator] On the next "Real World.."

You feel rather comfortable with calling any female a "b*tch."

You just find it hugely funny.

[Lars] I can almost say I fell in love.

[Neil] 'Goodness hell!'

[Jay] Mike, you're telling me you haven't talked about

the possibility of going to bed with this girl?

- Nope. - You lie.

I think this was a good confessional.

I think that I deserve a pat on the back.

And that's life, the wrangles and the struggles

and...the scandals.

I'll stop wasting tape.

Well, I guess that's the end of my observations for now.

Alright, I think I'm gonna go to bed now, probably not.

Yeah, I'm gonna go to bed, I have school tomorrow.

So, now, hopefully it's all off my mind

I won't have to say it, won't have to think about it

and hopefully I can go to bed.

So, I guess I will see you guys later.

Bye.

[Jay] 'So, that's it, meeting adjourned.'

'Go back to your loved ones.'