09x05 - Let The Games Begin

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

[Jamie] This is the true story...

[Matt] ...of seven strangers...

[Melissa] ...picked to live in a mansion...

[Kelley] ...work together...

[Danny] ...and have their lives taped...

[David] To find out what happens...

[Julie] ...when people stop being polite...

[Jamie] ...and start getting real.

-[David] The Real World.
-[Kelley] ...New Orleans!

[theme music concludes]

[upbeat music playing]

-[birds chirping]
-[car engine revving]

[Jamie] Are you, like,
a relationship person?

Some people are
relationship people, you know?

Like, you know, they'll get married
when they're 22 and whatever. You're not?

Oh, God. I'm, like, so far from it,
it's not even funny.

-I can't seem to stay very long.
-[Jamie] Yeah.

But I'm... I'm actually, like,
at the point right now where...

I think I'm ready to stop doing that.
Are you the relationship type?

-Yeah, I'm very...
-[Kelley] Have fun for the rest of my life

-type?
-I'm very averse to marriage

and long-term, single-person
relationships kind of thing.

She's a very beautiful woman.
I'm attracted to her. Fact.

She may have some attraction to me,
I think, possibly. I don't know,

but I think it's... it's there.

There's like, two types of women.
You either, like, don't know them

or they don't want to have
any relationship with you

or they want to be married to you.

And they don't realize there's

-a whole spectrum in between that.
-[Kelley chuckles] Yeah.

Like, "Let's just be friends
and out every once in a while."

"Let's hook up every once in a while."

Granted, if it... if I meet the woman
that rocks my world,

I'll totally be singing off
a different sheet of music.

[upbeat music concludes]

I am really attracted to Jamie.

I find him very sexually
and physically attractive.

Okay, what's wrong with you?
Why don't you have girlfriends?

-I said, what's wrong with you?
-What was that? [chuckles]

Well, I have girlfriends.
I just, you know...

[Melissa] You don't have time
for them hoes.

Basically, yeah.

This past summer, I started up a website

which is an online e-commerce
community and content site

for adventure and extreme sports.

A... A relationship is a commitment,
and I just...

Out of the 24 hours in this day,

I do not have time
for that commitment, so...

[funky music playing]

-[traffic whizzing]
-[birds chirping]

-[Melissa] Damn, he's beautiful.
-[indistinct chatter]

[scoffs]

You know what's so cute about him to me?
It's that he's so not available.

-He doesn't have time for girls.
-Why do you think that he isn't available?

[Melissa] All he has time for
is PalmPilots, cell phones and dot coms.

[whispers] I think he thinks
you're cute, too.

-[Melissa] I don't.
-Yeah, he does.

It's very, um... I think so.

Like, I'm a Tootsie Roll to his Godiva.
I'm three for a dollar,

-and he's priceless.
-[giggles]

I can't be... I wish
I could be more like you in that way.

Like, I can't just say what I really...
I couldn't say that, stuff like that.

-I like to own my feelings. Hmm.
-[Kelley chuckling] Well, good for you.

-[chuckles]
-[Kelley] Congratulations.

-I do. I... I just...
-[Kelley clears throat]

I own them. I'm just not sharing them.

[Melissa] Kelley and I
are sexually attracted to Jamie,

except I'm the only one
talking out loud about it.

[lively music playing]

[Melissa] The whole reason why
I had to get you out of the house...

[Julie] Why?

[Melissa] 'Cause I've been with boys
all day and they're annoying me.

-[Julie chuckles] Oh. Okay.
-[Melissa] They're always so boyish.

-[Julie] I love boys.
-[Melissa] It makes me just get gross.

No, you love Matt.

-I don't love Matt.
-Not just any old boy.

I do like Matt a lot. You know what? I do.

First of all, I'm not his type,
I don't think.

-How do you know? You guys are...
-Just like, the vibes I get from him.

No, you guys are so each other's type,

'cause he's really innocent and sweet
and you are, too.

Hey, well, I wouldn't be, like,
objecting to that,

but I just don't see it.

He's very much my type of a person
that I would like to know...

[chuckles] ...biblically.
No, I'm just kidding. [chuckles]

[upbeat music playing]

I'm a firm believer in just, like,
pushing yourself to the ultimate,

physically, and you, like...

I think you learn a lot about yourself,
mentally, by doing that.

-[Kelley] You been skydiving?
-I've never been skydiving,

-but...
-I cannot believe that.

-[Kelley] We found something.
-Yes!

Maybe we should go down there.

[Kelley] What about bungee jumping?

-Part of me wants to do that so bad.
-[Jamie] I own my own bungee cord, and we...

[chuckles] Of course.

[Kelley]
What about extreme mountain biking?

I love mountain biking, definitely.

I... I set up this club at my school,
a mountain bike team.

[Kelley] He makes me feel
like I don't do anything.

I mean, every time I say something,
he's like, "Oh, yeah, I've done that

-and I own the company." I'm like...
-[chuckles]

[Melissa] If you feel like
you're a do-nothing, look at me.

I thought I was going to China.
Instead, I went to Waffle House.

-You know what I'm saying?
-[laughter]

[Melissa] I am carnally interested in him,
but when I look at him, I'm just...

I just want to pour barbecue sauce on him
and just work him like a rib.

-You know what I mean? He's beautiful.
-[Julie chuckles]

-[Melissa] Uh, he's beautiful.
-Yeah, he's all right.

[Julie] I'm intrigued by her relationship
thus far with, um, Jamie,

because to me it seems like
they have a lot more in common

than she's willing to recognize.

Are you... Do you like Jamie?

If you... If you're asking me
if I'm attracted to Jamie,

I think he's good-looking.

Like, I think he's not too bad
on the eyes,

but I don't know if we'd have
much to talk about.

[upbeat music playing]

[sirens wailing]

[Jamie] I am attracted to Melissa,

although I'm really conscious
of acting on that attraction,

just because I think that it will mess up
the dynamic of the relationship.

[indistinct clamor]

Jamie is incredibly hot,
and when I have a couple drinks,

I notice that more.

I know that my brain does not want
to be attracted to him, but he's hot.

I mean, he is. He's hot. Admit it.

Is there an attraction? Yes.

Do I think that he's hiding something?
Yes.

[Jamie] Kelley, at this point,
is like the forbidden fruit.

Introducing a physical element,

it adds a little complexity
to the situation

that in my mind is not needed
at this point in time

and so, living with a beautiful woman

who may... might be
slightly into you is difficult.

To just be, like, "Okay, I'm drunk
and I'm going to go to bed alone."

[Danny] This is like...

This is, without a doubt,

the most sexually charged living situation
I've ever lived in.

You put seven attractive people
in a house,

everybody wants to hook up with everybody.
That's just how it is.

I hope it doesn't become
this competition for him because...

Oh, my God, are you kidding?

I don't feel like
it's a competitive thing.

If you hooked up with him, good.
If I hooked up with him, fine.

Nobody's going to care.
Do you know what I'm saying?

It'd be best if no one in this house
hooked up,

just to save hurt or bad feelings.

I'm still believing
that he's unattainable.

If I wanted Jamie, I could...

I mean, the thing is,
it's not competition in the sense

that I... I'm not competing yet, at least.

I don't know what's going to happen
later on.

-His whole life...
-[rattling]

[Melissa] ...is non-romance.

[Kelley] I agree.

[Melissa] He's such a topic all the time,
and he's so not...

-I know, I know, I know, I know. Stop.
-[Melissa] You know what I mean?

-Stop. Break the cycle.
-[Melissa] You know what I'm saying?

We just need to go out
and meet some different people.

Just get our own boys.

[Kelley] Because that... This is... [bleep].

Although I will say
that you do have some competition now.

-[Melissa] Oh, I know.
-[Kelley] I'm just teasing you.

-[birds chirping]
-[upbeat music playing]

[Jeff over phone] Jamie, I'm going
to put it in your face in the challenge.

If you can be disciplined for four months
and not hook up

-with a single woman...
-Eh.

I swear to God, it's going to pay off.

Lord, that's temptation
before Christ, you know.

You know what I heard him say
on the phone today?

He was talking to his friend. Like,
I think they asked him if he was hooked up

with anybody in the house.

And he goes, "No, well, not yet,

'cause I haven't really
put any energy into it."

And I was like,
"I can't believe you just said that."

To be completely honest, I could easily

be drawn into a situation
with somebody like Jamie,

but I guarantee that I will get hurt...

-[Julie] Yeah.
-...because I do care, you know.

Like, if I was even gonna make out

or date or something, I would...
There would, eventually,

some kind of an emotion
would be involved.

And as from what he's even told me,
he doesn't care.

[Jeff over phone]
Through the roof, through the roof.

[upbeat music playing]

[indistinct chatter]

I haven't seen that many guys
that I consider my type

and I was... looked over.
I said to, I think, Melissa,

"That guy is so hot. Like I really
want to go over there and talk to him."

-Where? Which one? Which one?
-[indistinct chatter]

I'll show you. Will you guys
watch this for two seconds?

Yeah, I will.

[Kelley] Okay, we're gonna st...
we're going to stake him out.

[Jamie] Anyway...

I thought, he's probably stupid,
but at least he's cute.

I could talk to him for five minutes.
Wouldn't k*ll me.

But he's not stupid. He's very smart
and very interesting. Very nice.

Was he not cute?

-No, he's beautiful.
-[Jamie speaking indistinctly]

-[Kelley] Huh? This boy.
-She met a straight-up hottie.

-Don't you want a man?
-No, he's a second-year resident

for an ER doctor.
Surfer, traveled all over the world.

-Hanging loose is all I have to say.
-No, no, I get it.

We go and have a couple drinks
and actually have a great conversation.

-So, I'm very small. [chuckles]
-[indistinct chatter]

[Kelley] Peter's the kind of person
that I would like to spend time with,

whether it be romantic or otherwise.

We just had a lot in common
and had a really good conversation.

Well, I like you.

I mean your friends...
Definitely cool with me.

[jazz music playing]

[Kelley] Did you meet a man last night?

He was beautiful and smart.

Gotta love those med students.

So wait, let... let me get this straight.

So he's got dark hair
and he's kind of like, weathered,

-or like the surf-style looks, okay?
-[Kelley] Yeah. Surfer.

And he's well-traveled and he's...

[Kelley] No. Well, he doesn't have
any money. He's still...

But he will.

[Kelley] No, 'cause he's a...

That sounds a lot like somebody
in this house.

[Melissa] If it sounds a lot like somebody
in this house...

he's everything except [bleep].

[laughter]

'Cause he's just as [bleep] as me.

[Kelley] I know.
You two are like two peas in a pod.

-Hey, gorgeous.
-Just saying morning. [chuckles]

[all laugh]

[upbeat music playing]

[Melissa] Well, see,
I see the vision, brother.

Well, just go ahead and transfer
the million dollars into my account

and then what we'll do is we'll sign off
on the papers tomorrow.

Great. I'll see you at the stock exchange.

All right. All right,
talk to you on Wall Street.

Like, he's like that.

I can definitely say that
my relationship with Melissa

is one that I've never experienced before.

I never...

In my past...

was ever friends with girls.

Jamie and Melissa are like, hitting...
I don't what's going on.

All I know is suddenly
they're... they're as close as can be.

Which is cool, but that's just
the most unlikeliest couple.

That's like Don King and Martha Stewart
or... or something. I don't know.

[Kelley] I thought you just
weren't gonna call.

[Peter on phone] What are you
gonna do tonight?

-We're doing a drag show, me and Melissa.
-[Peter laughs]

No, it's going to be awesome.
I have these wigs

and, like, these...
It's the Chinese New Year tonight.

I am going to be in a performance
with a friend of mine named Anthony,

along with Julie and Melissa.
And do, like, this dragon show.

[Peter] So, what,
you're gonna dress up as a guy?

No, no, no, I'm going to be, like, a girl

but we're going to be dancing
with a drag queen.

I could put you on the guest list.

[Peter] That would be really cool, yeah.

-If you want to.
-[Peter] Oh, definitely.

Oh, you do? Yay.

-Okay, I'll talk to you later. Bye.
-[Peter] Okay. Bye.

[Matt] Is your fashion show tonight?

[Julie] Yep. Are you coming?
You gotta come.

[Matt] What makes you think
I'm gonna be there at 2:00 in the morning?

Why wouldn't you be?
There's going to be a man in full s...

full drag with, like,
dragon scales all over.

I hate drag queens.

We're going to get wigs,
we're gonna get our face painted.

It'll be fun.

I mean, not fun to, like,
look at all the drag queens,

-but it'll just be fun.
-Drag queens are, like,

really messed up clowns.

It feels like I'm always up to bat
and he's always on the bleachers.

[Julie] I think you're missing out,

'cause Kelley and I are going
to put on an excellent performance.

-[Matt] I thought Melissa was in it, too.
-And Melissa.

[Matt exclaims]

-[Julie screams] What did you do?
-[Melissa] We cut it all off.

[chuckles] Oh, you look so hot.

-Oh, my God.
-I thought you would hate it.

I love it. Oh, my gosh, you're so hot.

-Looking good.
-[Julie] You look so hot.

[upbeat music playing]

[Melissa] I'm scared.
What the hell am I doing?

[Julie] You'll do great.

[Kelley] Anthony, you look fabulous.

I mean, it kind of like transforms you
into this whole different person.

Like, having somebody primp me all up.

It's showtime.

[Kelley] Oh, my goodness.
Anthony, are we okay?

-[crowd cheers, applauds]
-[dance music playing]

[Melissa] I am being forced
to put all of my attitude away

and act like a submissive Chinese doll.

[Julie] I realize it's art to him
and it's beautiful.

And there's nothing disgusting about it.
It just goes back to the whole, like...

Julie's thrown in another new situation.
Look at how she's dealing with it.

-[Kelley] Go, girl!
-[all cheering]

-That was awesome.
-We were so good.

-There was nothing to be nervous about.
-I know.

♪ I said rock to the rhythm
And don't stop ♪

-♪ I said... ♪
-[cheering]

-♪ I said rock... ♪
-Good job!

[Julie] Even Matt came, mister, like,

"I will never, never, ever,
ever go to a drag show, ever."

-Hi, Peter. How you doing?
-[Peter] Good to see you.

[Matt] I saw your a*s
all in the street earlier.

Yeah. Getting down and dirty.

Never.

No, Jamie was just making out
with some girl in the bathroom.

-Did you hear me?
-Yeah, I heard. I s... I saw.

I saw Jamie all in the street.

I passed him making out
with this sorority chick

and then, I saw him
in here making out, too.

-[Kelley] How was the show?
-[Peter] It was pretty good.

-I liked it.
-[Kelley] It was kind of cheesy, huh?

But it was good.

Right now, I'm having a great time,
and I really like this guy.

Are you coming home with us or no?

-He's gonna give me a ride home...
-[Julie] Okay.

...but I'm coming home soon.

He's a great person.
I feel really good about it.

[upbeat music playing]

[Danny] You're certain
that she has not been back yet?

[Julie] Absolutely,
because I looked at her bed last night,

and it is in exactly the same condition
as it was the last night.

That little hoochie mama.

[Julie] But she shouldn't be sleeping
with no Peter guy.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

-[Kelley over phone] Melissa?
-Yes?

-It's Kelley.
-Hey.

Hi, I wanted to call
and let you guys know that I was okay.

I'm really sorry.

-I just spazzed out.
-Oh, you're not here?

-No.
-[laughs]

So, where are you?

[Kelley] I just came and stayed here.
We got trapped at this bar.

-Wait... did you wash your makeup off?
-[Kelley] No, I still have everything on.

[soft music playing]

[Kelley] I mean, I don't want to
jump the g*n here.

It's not...
I've known him for what...

-A couple days.
-[Kelley] Yeah.

But he is unbelievably just... Not...
Like, too good to be true.

[Kelley] That's what I keep saying.
Like s... I'm, like, "Where's the catch?"

For real, there has got to be a catch.
There is no way.

-[Melissa] And he works.
-I know.

-[Melissa] And he has a car.
-I know.

-[Melissa] And he's beautiful.
-And his house is so cute.

And he has a clean bathroom.
And the toilet seat was down.

Something's wrong with him,

'cause something has to be wrong.
[chuckles]

The catch... Peter has...

a girlfriend.

Sort of. Okay, for real. A girlfriend.

But she doesn't live in the same town
and I know how that goes.

[light music playing]

Oh, wait, so tell me about you,

making out with every damn girl
on Bourbon Street.

[Jamie] What are you talking about?

[Melissa]
You made out with yellow shirt girl.

[Kelley] She had a yellow shirt on?

[Melissa]
She was about 45-looking

-and you said she was 20...
-[chuckles] She was. I swear to God.

[Melissa] And she had fake hoo-hahs.

[Kelley]
She did have some silicone kickin'.

And Jamie went digging
in the Silicone Valley, too.

[laughs] What'd you find? Anything good?

♪ La, de, da
I'm not listening to you ♪

I feel like I always have to watch my step
with other women

when I'm around Melissa and Kelley.

Because whenever I sort of
start talking with another girl

and Melissa and Kelley are around,

they always just give me the...
[scoffs] "...cheeseball."

If you kiss people
that you find attractive, right?

Then would you be against
kissing people in this house?

Would I be against
kissing people in this house?

[Kelley] Mm-hmm.

[Jamie] No, I'm not against
kissing anyone in this house..

-[Kelley] Like, on a regular basis?
-On a regular basis?

-Well, my... my feeling...
-[Kelley] Or are you one of those people

that's, like, kiss 'em and leave 'em?

Is it more about just fun and physicality

or is it... do you think there's,
like, an option for depth?

There's a complete option for depth,

although I've never been
in a relationship that...

you know, I mean, it's not gotten that...
gotten to that, because I just...

-[Kelley] 'Cause you don't want to.
-Right. Exactly.

-[Kelley] Put that into it.
-I have so many other things on my plate.

I would say I do get
a slight bit of gratification

out of watching Jamie turn
into a big ball of Jell-O

because of feminine wiles, I guess.

[Julie] Since we're talking about...
terribly personal things,

-can I ask you a question, Kelley?
-[Kelley] Sure.

You didn't have sex with Peter last night?

Oh, God, no!

-[Melissa] Don't look at me.
-[Julie] Do you... do you...

Julie, I've known him for three days.
What do you think I am,

-some kind of wh*re?
-No, no, no, no, no. I know, I know.

But, I'm just...
I'm just saying, like, um... if like...

if you...

I guess I have no basis
in talking about anything

'cause I don't know who...
anything about him, you know?

[Kelley] Because it was Julie,
I gave her a little bit of slack

on that level, and I was like,
she probably didn't understand

that that might not be
the most kosher thing to do.

I think that it's pretty stupid for you
to assume stuff about anybody, but...

I do appreciate you asking instead of,
you know, thinking it in your head.

[Julie] Uh, like, I'm glad
I asked that to find out

but I shouldn't have asked you
in the way that I did.

That was, like, that was just dumb.

[upbeat music playing]

[Melissa] What about
"New Orleans in a Box"?

[Jamie] How about Mr. Bubble?
Do you want to go take a bubble bath?

Okay, we're done. [chuckles]

My way of dealing
with a sexual attraction to Jamie

is to just be loud about it
and joke about it.

[both laugh]

-Ew, you got soap in my ear!
-I wanted to kiss you.

-[smooches]
-[smooches]

That was booty-licious!

You know what she's like?
She's raw. I like that. She's blunt.

She'll just throw it out there
and she does not care.

[Kelley] To be with somebody like Jamie,

I definitely think he's, like,
an attractive person

and he's got a certain charm to him,
but for me,

it would never be a good combination,
I don't think.

I guess, here I am talking
about somebody I don't even know.

So, maybe in two months
I'll say something completely different.

I have no idea.

Jamie's my favorite
in the whole, wide world.

Dot com.

[music concludes]

It's completely a physical attraction.
I actually don't like you at all.

You faker.

[both chuckle]

That's my twig and berries.

[Melissa] Twig and berries will come out.

[Jamie chuckles] Would you stop it?

[Melissa] Twig and berries,
twig and berries. [chuckling]

Why are you wearing
a skirt without panties?

It's a kilt, that's why.
It's a kilt, it's not a skirt.

[both laugh]

[Melissa] It's a skirt without panties!
And I'm gonna take it off! [laughing]

Twig and berries,
twig and berries! [chuckling]

Take it off of you! [chuckling]