09x12 - Mardi Gras Madness

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

[Jamie] This is the true story...

[Matt] ...of seven strangers...

[Melissa] ...picked to live in a mansion...

[Kelley] ...work together...

[Danny] ...and have their lives taped.

[David] To find out what happens...

[Julie] ...when people stop being polite...

[Jamie] ...and start getting real.

-The Real World...
-[Julie] ...New Orleans.

[theme music concludes]

[upbeat music playing]

[Julie] I still don't think
I completely comprehend,

like, this whole Mardi Gras thing
that's happening.

This is my first Mardi Gras.

I'm totally virgin
to the Mardi Gras experience,

among other things. [laughs]

[Melissa] It's boobs and beads.

-[Julie] I don't have much of a problem...
-In other words, heaven for me.

Parades, loud music, marching bands.

[Melissa] Boobs, beads, booze.

-I mean, what more can you ask? [chuckles]
-What more can you ask for?

I don't drink, but, you know,
I'm definitely down with the sex part.

[Julie] Like, is it kind of
an inflated Disneyland parade?

-Inflated?
-[Melissa] There's no Disney about it.

-It's like triple-X Mickey then.
-[Julie laughs]

-You know what I'm saying?
-[Melissa] Yeah.

Mardi Gras week is... [stammers]

...it's written in the law
that you do not wear panties.

If, like, men start taking
their pants off,

I might just be, like,

dude, I'm going in the fetal position
on my bed. [chuckles]

-[drums beating]
-[crowd chattering]

[spectator cheers]

[crowd cheering, whistling]

Come on, come out
and watch the parade with me.

Hold on, I'm emailing someone.

Boring! Come on, come on, come on.

It's Mardi Gras and people are sleeping or
going to Magazine Street to go shopping.

It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

[marching band playing]

[crowd cheering]

[Melissa] Oh, she's
a little, little princess.

Elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist, wrist.

I love those little princesses.
They're so cute.

[Danny] Awesome. We're going to dinner at
Anne Rice's house tomorrow night at 6:45.

[Matt] I don't know if I will.

-[Danny] Are you serious?
-[Kelley] Guys, she's expecting all of us.

-A catered dinner at Anne Rice's house.
-I don't know who she is.

-Anne Rice? Interview with the Vampire?
-I mean, I'm...

One of the most famous artists
in the country?

She's like the most famous person
in New Orleans, by far.

And she's having us, only us, to dinner.
What the hell?

[Danny] She just invited
seven dorks for dinner.

[Danny, Kelley laughing]

[Kelley] We're gonna be like,
"Hey, pull my finger, Anne!"

-[upbeat piano music playing]
-[roommates chattering]

This is my mother. She'd like to say hi.

I would like to say hi,
and welcome to the house, everybody.

I hope you're enjoying yourselves.

-Uh, well, you all look splendid.
-[Kelley chuckles]

[Jamie] I've seen places
that are like this, you know?

I have, too, but I was working there

-and I was a server. [laughs]
-[laughs]

No, I have never seen this.

And this is where
Anne Rice does her stuff.

[Melissa whispers] Oh, my God.

He was opening up her home to us,

and it was
a pretty special thing in my mind.

Some people would k*ll to see
what we were seeing in Anne Rice's house.

We're invited. We have seven spots.

Float number nine, the Orpheus Parade.

My mom rides on the front of the float,
then the rest of us are on the back.

Do people know it's you and your mother?

It is such a huge, huge deal
to get to ride in one of these parades.

-I can't believe it. [chuckles]
-Yeah.

-[wine glass clatters]
-[gasps, laughs]

[Matt] Have you ever seen more g*y men
than you have in the past two days?

-[Melissa] No.
-[Matt chuckles]

I was just thinking that.

-Two came to pick up Danny.
-[chuckles] Yeah.

[Melissa] Then, we hung out
with 19 of them last night.

Yeah. And then, our chefs and servants

came over and they're all, like...

-flirty up on me and stuff and I'm, like...
-[Melissa laughs]

..."Dude, I'm straight, okay?
I established that at the house."

-"Just quit. Now."
-[laughs]

[Julie] One of them
told me you were just confused.

No. He's the confused one,
'cause he wants me.

[Julie laughs]

[Melissa] They love you, dude.

[Danny] Me and Wes
and his friends, we go to Oz.

I've been very tempted this weekend
to be really bad,

and it's hard, very hard at this point.

[Danny] And I am, like, proud of myself
because I can control myself

and I can resist temptation
in, like, a situation

where it would be
very easy to lose control.

[crowd cheering, whistling]

[whoops]

Mardi Gras is about letting go.
Just let the hell go.

-[David] You want me to drive her back?
-Hmm?

You want me to drive her back?
Just let me know. Say something.

-I can do it. I don't mind.
-No.

[funky music playing]

[David]
When you're hooking up with somebody,

it's more or less just,
you know, a physical thing.

It's cool. It's cool.

Beads are flying everywhere.

[David] If Matt's in the room
and I live there, too,

and, you know,
I still got to get my groove on,

and, I mean,
there ain't no shame in my game.

As long as no shame in her game,
we just go ahead and do our thing.

[funky music ends]

[whispers] What are we listening to?

[gasps] No!

[whispers] What's happening?

I'm just gonna sleep in Danny's bed.

And I'm sleeping in Melissa's bed.

-And you're...
-I guess I'm gonna sleep...

-And I'm not "kertanging."
-It's all good.

[Jamie] Melissa?

-Slumber party!
-[Melissa yells]

[Julie] I need to talk to Melissa,
big-time.

[Jamie] Fun...

What is going on in this house?

What kind of weird
sexual situation are we in?

[speaks indistinctly, laughs]

[Melissa] So, Matt's in there
praying for his life to be over...

[chuckles] ...while
David's servicing the hoes.

Jamie's passed out in Danny's bed.

Kelley comes home with Peter.
They go to bed in their room.

So next, I get another
"Psst! Yo, Melissa!"

I'm like, "What?"

I'm thinking I'm seeing Jesus
and my days are through.

It's just long-haired Julie.
"What do you want?" [chuckles]

[laughs]

Next face, "Psst! Yo, Melissa!"

"What? What?"

It's Danny. He don't know where to sleep.
He's trying to jump in Kelley's bed,

there's already a man up in there.
He don't know what to do.

Tried to get in his own bed,
butt-naked with Jamie.

That ain't gonna work.

Tried to go up in Matt's room.
Matt's still over there praying.

David's still servicing some hoes,

so he jumps in my bed.
Don't even know Julie's in the bed.

So let me tell you
what the sex life is like.

Melissa is in the bed
with a Mormon on the left,

a naked g*y man on the right.
What am I supposed to do with that?

What did I sign up for?

-[laughs] The Belfort brothel...
-[mutters]

-...that's what this is. [laughs]
-[shouts] Why? Why? [laughs]

All right.

-[David, friend speaking indistinctly]
-It's freezing.

All right, it was nice meeting you.

It was just like, you know, "Hey,
how you doing?" Whatever, woo-woo.

We were dancing
and, um, it just happened like that.

So, I don't think we got to names.
So, I don't know who that really was.

[Danny] It was mostly g*y people
that I was hanging out with last night.

I mean, they were cool kids, but like,

so much about them was just so
typical, you know what I mean?

-[Paul] Yeah, exactly.
-I was like, "I'm just a lucky boy."

There's always this, like,
voice in the back of your head

saying, you know, "Well,
if you can catch this person,

then what if there's somebody else
that's ten times better?"

-I usually think with my [bleep].
-Yeah.

Probably the biggest test to me was...

being exposed to somebody
that I'm attracted to

and being able to look away
from that and think about you.

-Yeah.
-And, you know, I passed that test,

and I'm totally not thinking
with my [bleep] down here.

Future-wise, I'll tell you this much,
from my heart, my soul,

like, you are always in it,

-that's what I...
-I'm right there with you.

-That's what my soul feels.
-[sighs] I'm right there with you, kid.

I miss you so much.

-Isn't that, like...
-Eleven, ten, nine!

The one with flames on it!

[Matt] That's a nice one, man.
That's nice.

-How y'all doing?
-[Matt] Good. How are you doing?

-Is this our float?
-[man on float] This is it.

-[Kelley cheers]
-[Matt] Before I came to New Orleans,

I really did not understand
the magnitude of Mardi Gras

and how much it means
to the city of New Orleans,

how much money is spent.

[Melissa] This is not going...

As I'm putting this clown suit on,
I feel so ridiculous.

[upbeat music playing]

-[Jamie] Reaches the floor. [laughs]
-[laughs]

[both laughing]

[upbeat music ends]

David, for some reason,
chose not to go on the float.

Check it out. I got a couple people
coming over, whatever, like that.

-[friend] Uh-huh.
-My boy Quay is coming.

I think his brother and his...
His brother's boy, whatever, like that.

And then I think I'm gonna go to the A&P.
I'll get some barbecue stuff.

I basically didn't wanna go.

You know, I just wanted to sit down.
I wanted to actually experience,

you know, um, Mardi Gras
from a spectator point of view.

We can just chill, be on the porch,
get beads thrown at our heads,

-you know what I'm saying? It's all good.
-[chuckles]

David doesn't come
to a lot of things that we do.

I don't know if he's trying
to exclude himself.

He says he's not.

He's just like, "Woo-woo,
that's not my scene, woo-woo."

But I think I'm gonna bounce now,
you know what I'm saying?

And get all that stuff, woo-woo.

-[upbeat music playing]
-[crowd cheering]

I'm up here on the top
of the world, about to make

everyone in this parade happy,

and it is an overwhelming feeling.

-Yeah! Get funky here!
-Ow!

We have a lot of booze,
we have each other,

and the whole entire parade route
in front of us.

[yells]

Mardi Gras, the hot commodity is getting
as many plastic beads as possible.

And people will go
to great lengths to obtain them.

I want to see you dance.

You got people ripping their clothes off
to get these beads.

Oh, I know you want my beads!

It's like a high.

Oh!

[Danny] Seeing all this crazy stuff
happen in the street

makes you want to join in.

[laughs] No!

It is the absolute most funnest thing
I've ever done in my life.

[giggling]

-[friend speaking indistinctly]
-Yeah. I feel you.

Thirty, 35 people chilling,
eating chicken...

[upbeat music continues]

I didn't exactly know
what float they were on,

um, but I watched it from the house.

[crowd cheering, whistling]

Drinking, in me, brings out my horniness,
like, ten times more than usual.

Normally, I'm more subdued,
but when I drink a lot, I'm, like,

way more obnoxious.

-[Danny] Whoo!
-[Melissa] Danny, off! No.

Danny gets tipsy, and he becomes
very loose with his affection

and manages to kiss
nearly everyone on the float.

-[Kelley] You're such a freak!
-[cheering]

Danny is completely out of control.

I've never seen Danny this drunk before.

[rock music playing]

-[friends chattering]
-It's all you. It's all you.

[screaming, laughing]

-[spectator whistles]
-[Danny] During Mardi Gras,

they will flash their breasts.
They will flash penises.

One, two, three!

[crowd screaming]

-More beads, more beads.
-[rock music ends]

I meet a bunch of people from Atlanta.

Then there's these other guys
that are with them

that I just meet this night,

and Forrest is one of the guys
that I meet.

He's flirting with me a lot.

You can't pick them up
off the ground. It's ill*gal.

-What is?
-[Forrest] They're not yours.

You can't trade those for favors now.
You got to give them up.

He has to throw them to somebody else.

On the way out of the house,
he pulls me into the confessional room...

-[belt unbuckling]
-[deep breathing]

...and then, I realized at this point
that I had done a stupid thing. [chuckles]

Oh, [bleep]! I'm [bleep].
I'm [bleep] embarrassed.

Weren't you just leaving?

[Forrest] Y'all just made
a big-a*s fool out of me.

-[Danny] No, I just [bleep] up, big-time.
-Oh. Really? Why?

-[Danny] Have fun tonight, kid.
-[indistinct] No, no, no. That... No.

I'll talk to you again
before you leave town, all right?

I don't know about that.

I will. I will.

-[siren wails]
-Have fun!

-[Danny] I have royally [bleep] up.
-[Kelley] What'd you do?

-[Danny] I will tell you later.
-No, no, no, tell me.

-[Danny] I will tell you later. I royally...
-Oh, no.

-...[bleep] up.
-Is it what I think it is?

-What?
-Is it what I think it is?

-Probably.
-Oh, no!

-[Danny] I royally [bleep] up.
-[Kelley] Oh, no!

[crowd cheering]

[dramatic music playing]

I just screwed up tonight, big-time.

-I'm serious. I was a dumbass.
-I know.

-You don't know. [chuckles]
-Your liver is going to say bye-bye.

Yeah, everything else
is going to say goodbye too.

If Paul did this, I would be upset.

But it's so hard,
I mean, this is Mardi Gras.

I'm just trying to have a good time.

[roommates shouting, chattering]

[dramatic music ends]

[up-tempo jazz playing]

[snickers]

It's Mardi Gras time.

[shouting indistinctly]

[crowd cheering, whistling]

Yeah!

[Julie] Mardi Gras is all about floats
and bead throwing,

and just celebrating life, and sin.
It's fabulous.

[cheering]

[up-tempo jazz ends]

[dramatic music playing]

[Danny] I would hate for anything
to happen to screw things up.

[dramatic music ends]

[rhythmic dance music playing]

[host on microphone]
Well, I think he's got it. One more time.

Let's go!

I'm trying to experience
the whole spectrum of Mardi Gras,

from Bourbon Street,
all the way to the barbecues

and balcony parties uptown
on Saint Charles.

[host] Saint Charles Avenue,
let me hear you scream!

[crowd shouting, cheering]

[upbeat music playing]

It's a very intense sense of joy that,

like, you really can't explain to people
that don't understand Mardi Gras.

-Ew, you're sick, dude. [laughs]
-Whoo!

It's bizarre.
I've never seen anything like it.

-[upbeat music continues]
-[spectators cheering]

[upbeat music ends]

[Matt] I was just a normal guy
on Saint Charles Avenue,

but I have a vision, and my vision
is to become the king of Mardi Gras.

-I am the king of Mardi Gras.
-[crowd cheering]

I am the king of Mardi Gras.

Stand right there
and look at the red part of it.

Right there. Do you see that?

[Julie giggles]

You should've so not done that
to the king of Mardi Gras.

[guffaws]

You just really messed up
this whole thing.

-[Julie laughing]
-I quit.

I can't... I can't be king of this crap.

[soft music playing]

Mardi Gras brings out the beast
and the animal.

[sighs]

I'm glad that is over with.

[phone rings]

Hello.

You can overlook people
being dumb and doing dumb things.

I mean, he knows that it means nothing.

It meant nothing. [sighs]

It was just stupid Mardi Gras [bleep].

[Paul] When you asked me, like,

about kissing other people
and junk like that...

-Mm-hmm.
-...and if I'm upset?

Well, I'm not upset.

I'm just... You told me
that something went wrong, you might say.

That's how I'd have to describe it to you.

Be honest with me.
If it upsets you, tell me.

Well, I mean, you know I...

See, the thing is that I know where...
I know where your heart is.

I am very thankful
that Paul is cool with it

and that he's not upset.

I'm lucky, because I think if I had
been on the other side of this story,

I'd probably be upset with him.

Do you think jealousy's bad?

No, because I think
it's natural to be jealous.

Like, you can cross a line
where you just don't trust a person.

I trust you with all my heart.

-[distant whistle blowing]
-[soft music ends]

It was so weird just to be standing there,
pissing in a bottle,

-looking at these thousands of people.
-[Danny] Waving at people

while you're pissing and all, like, whoo!

Thousands of people cheering,
like, "I love you. Throw me some."

-And I'm like, "I'm peeing."
-"Hold on. I'll throw you some."

-"I'm peeing in a bottle."
-[laughs]

[Danny] You're standing in front
of thousands of people

and you're pissing,
but none of them know it.

And not only that, but you're on a float
with all these people,

and they don't even realize it
'cause you're just standing there.

They think you're chilling out.

When I saw Jamie in the corner,
I was like, he's in the pissing position.

Yep. If somebody's just standing there,
not throwing beads, they're taking a piss.

Yeah. "What's he doing over there?
Oh, he's pissing."

[Danny] Thank God nobody had
to take a dump. [chuckles]