16x05 - Love & w*r

[bunniefuu]

-[theme music playing]
-[thunder rumbling]

[Wes] This is the true story...

-Yee-ha.
-[Lacey] Of seven strangers...

[Rachel] Picked to live in a house...

[Nehemiah] Work together
and have their lives taped...

-Oh-h*.
-[Rachel] To find out what happens...

-Oh.
-[Danny] When people stop being polite...

-Shut up.
-[Melinda] ...and start getting real.

[all laughing]

-The Real World: Austin.
-[music concludes]

[jazz music playing]

[Rachel] Mel, do you still have
the scissors? I got my package from Erik.

I'm nervous as to what it is

'cause Erik sometimes
does some really random things

without thinking very much.

I'm excited to see what it is.

-[Melinda] Why is it wet?
-[Rachel] I don't know.

It kind of smells too.

Oh, it's totally sticky. It's got
to be ice cream. Oh, my god, Erik.

[sighs] It's totally
cotton candy ice cream.

[Melinda] Why would he send you ice cream?

[chuckles] 'Cause it's my favorite
ice cream in the world.

-Oh, my gosh!
-[crowd laughing]

-[Danny] That was not smart.
-Oh, my gosh.

[Danny] He put regular ice
and packed regular ice.

-I don't even see any ice.
-[Danny] Oh, my god. [chuckles]

[laughs] Who sends ice cream in the mail?

I'm gonna try to salvage it
in the freezer.

Oh, man, Erik.

Ice cream is the way to get to my heart.

And he always lets me get dessert.

He always encourages me
to eat ice cream. It's so cute.

He tells me
it'll go straight to my booty.

[jazz music fades]

-[Erik] Hello?
-Hey, baby.

-[Erik] Hey, babe.
-Hey, thanks for my ice cream, honey.

[Erik] Did you get it?
Was it frozen still?

-No, not at all.
-[instrumental music playing]

[Erik] You know what?
That's why I sent it in dry ice.

You put dry ice in it?

I'm on a break with Erik

because I've only been
in long-term relationships.

I've never gotten a chance
to just be single and go out and party.

Oh, baby,

I don't know what happened,
but thank you so much, honey.

-It still made me smile and laugh.
-[Erik] I'm sorry.

I still consider him my boyfriend,
but I feel that I need the chance

to go out and have fun so I can be sure

that Erik is the one for me.
I don't want to have any regrets.

I love you, honey.
You always treat me like a princess.

-[instrumental music fades]
-[upbeat music playing]

[crowd cheering]

[indistinct chatter]

[Rachel] I really do miss Erik.

This is the only time
I'm able to be on my own,

and I really want
to use it to its fullest.

We've had such bad luck in Austin.
Doctors that are 33,

Jewish boys from New York
that suck [bleep],

and a whole bunch of stalkers.
And then a blond roommate with freckles.

[Wes] I'm not attracted
to Rachel in the least bit.

I was joking.

[Wes] We go out every single night,
and I meet 50 girls a night.

-[woman] You don't know the area code.
-5-1-2.

And a lot of them just
throw themselves at me.

At 22 years old, if you can do that,
then that's a good thing.

I got to be a gentleman.

I feel like I'm in spring break.

It's definitely a change
from what I'm used to. [inhales]

And, as a man,
I have to take advantage of it.

[Collin] Let me show you
a tour around the crib.

Collin is a bouncer that, um,
I met on the first night on 6th street.

He ended up befriending Nehemiah and Wes.

[Nehemiah] We're thinking
if we go to a bar tomorrow...

You won't find
a girl prettier than Monica.

Or a girl prettier than Crystal.

They're both beautiful.

They're both nine and halfs.

You gotta just pick your game.
Both sides.

I can find a girl prettier than Crystal

-and take her home.
-I could find a girl prettier than Monica.

Nehemiah, you and me,
we're gonna have a competition

to see who can
hook up with the most girls.

That's what we're saying.
[chuckles] That's what the bet is.

[all laughing]

I think Colin's
a little bit out of my league,

but I'm very attracted to Collin.

-Good night.
-Good night.

[Rachel] Oh.

[Collin] You introduced me
to the coolest chair.

[Rachel] Yeah, I try.

[birds chirping]

[upbeat music fades]

He's the one I hit on
the first night we got here

and we were walking
down the street.

And he said,
"Free martinis for the ladies,"

and then Wes said, "Do I get one?"
And he was like, "No."

He's 6'4" and built like a rock star.

I know what he looks like here,
but was he out last night?

Yeah, I think that he's really...

-What?
-[Rachel] Nothing.

-No, tell me.
-[jazz music playing]

I don't know.
I went to bed with butterflies

in my tummy again. And I was like, "Oh."
I think that he's really a nine,

and I'm a seven.
So, that's too far apart.

He's really good-looking.

[Melinda] I don't remember
what he looks like. I know his body frame

-but not his face.
-Yeah. I know his body frame. [laughs]

And his hands are gargantuan.
And his feet.

You know he's got to be packing.
[chuckles]

[Nehemiah] I feel like
our drawer's running low.

-[Wes chuckles]
-[chuckles]

Even though I didn't call
none of these girls.

A groupie drawer is something that
we have acquired coming here to Texas.

Who do I want to have sex with tonight?

The number it lands on,
that's who we'll call for the night.

-[laughs]
-This one's blank.

Can't be having blanks

-in the groupie drawer.
-I know.

-We're gonna actually gonna... [chuckles]
-Oh. Chug monkey. The two girls upstairs?

[Nehemiah] One wasn't too cute.

-The other was real cute.
-[Wes] The blondes?

Yeah, one was real cute.
Do you know which one? [chuckles]

And why do they have the same number?

[both laugh]

No, honestly. I will invest
in a polaroid camera if you will.

I would love to have
a groupie drawer filled with pictures.

That way I can remember
who it is that I'm calling

and why I am calling.

-Ashley?
-Ooh!

-[Wes] Shelly.
-[Nehemiah] Call.

[Wes chuckles] I don't want her
to come if she's ugly.

We can kick her out.

[Wes] You and me
are gonna come off like such [bleep].

You know what?
I don't give a damn.

["Cool Dark Spirit"
by Dope Smoothie playing]

♪ I've got a cruel dark spirit ♪

♪ I've got a cruel dark spirit... ♪

-[Wes sobbing]
-[Nehemiah laughing]

-I've got to use the phone.
-No. This person is the love of my life.

Those people?

You can't even tell them apart

on the post-it.

I think it's ridiculous
that they invite over all these girls.

[speaking indistinctly]

The whole situation is a big wash.

[telephone beeps]

Hello, is this Chelsea?

Hey, Tonette. This is Wes.

-[Kissy] Hello.
-Is Kissy Jen there?

I met you last night.

-[Kissy] Nehemiah?
-Yeah.

-Remember me and Wes?
-[Kissy] Wes.

[chuckles] No.

-[laughs]
-[chuckles]

[telephone beeps]

[imitating beep tone]

[woman] Hey! What's going on?

Oh, we're just chilling.
How are you doing?

[woman] I remember.
You were wearing the fun hat.

All right. Well,
let me call up some girls.

-Call up some girls.
-[woman] We'll be there.

-[telephone clatters]
-She didn't sound like the brightest star.

-[Nehemiah] We don't want bright stars.
-[all laugh]

♪ I've got a cruel dark spirit
I've got a cruel dark spirit ♪

♪ Livin' in the basement of my room ♪

[song fades]

[instrumental music playing]

[Nehemiah] Wes,
you need to let those girls in.

Are they ready?

They're all alone.

-Hi.
-[Wes] What's up?

These are my friends,
Tracy, Carrie, and Caroline.

[indistinct chatter]

I didn't know that we were
supposed to bring our swimsuit.

-Uh-oh.
-Uh-oh.

[crowd laughs]

Wes and Nehemiah brag
and brag about how they can get any girl.

They can bring home
the cheerleading squad.

Wes does not necessarily have
game that I'm seeing.

[crowd laughing, chattering]

[Melinda] I think Nehemiah's hilarious.

[laughs]

He probably doesn't have
too much game with women.

It's comfortable.
It's made out of suede.

It's space age stuff.

So, maybe Wes has no game
and Nehemiah has a little bit.

[all laugh]

These random girls are not
hooking up with them.

Because these girls are shallow.

[Wes] I'm just gonna go nuts
tomorrow, dude.

I'm gonna make out with 30 girls.

["Rock The Nation"
by Asphalt Jungle playing]

[crowd cheering]

[shouts, chuckles]

So, you didn't go to the hospital.
You just put this on yourself.

Have you, like, rested it at least?

I like a strong man.

-Are you putting ice on it?
-Yeah.

I've crawled through
barbed wire and shot a g*n.

Taking any anti-inflammatories?

I definitely need a tough man,
I feel like he's gonna protect me

and is tougher than me.

[Rachel] You're flushed.

-[DJ] To the next level, baby!
-[Collin] That's 'cause of you.

[Rachel] You're flushed.

Collin's one of the first people
I meet here

where I can go out and feel safe
and put my guard down.

Really, like, I thought
you were too hot for me.

I'm blushing now. [chuckles]

Yeah. I'm blushing now.

["Rock The Nation"
by Asphalt Jungle fades]

-How are you?
-[Melinda] I'm Melinda.

-I don't know if I met you.
-I have not met you.

-Nice to meet you.
-Melinda. Nice to meet you too.

[sobbing] I like Collin. I like Collin.

[Nehemiah] The one you
and Lacey were sitting by.

He held my hand all night,
Collin did. And other girls are coming

up to him, like...
I'm like "[bleep] you, [bleep]."

[dramatic music playing]

I need to sober up
so I can actually have a conversation

with Collin,
though I've had conversations

-with him all night.
-[Johanna] Is he here?

Ten girls stopped me and talked to me.

Those girls whispering in my ear

the things that they
wanted to do to me tonight.

[chuckles] And they wasn't that nice, huh?

-[Johanna] He doesn't have a girlfriend?
-No. And he held my hand.

-[Rachel] There were some sparks.
-[Wes shouting in distance]

Look, I'm not saying he doesn't like you.

I'm saying I truly believe
that was his girlfriend.

[Rachel] No.
He was leading her out of the bar.

-Don't make me feel like that.
-[Johanna] No, no, no. I'm not trying to.

I had no idea that you thought
I had a girlfriend, you know?

[Rachel] I thought you were just
coming over for the guys.

-Come on.
-[Rachel] 'Cause you're friends with them.

-That's all I'm saying.
-Come on. Please.

[laughs]

[Collin] This is the first night
that I know you're interested.

-So, do you wanna go have sushi?
-Yes.

Let's do that.
Let's please do it.

Like, I'm so... I'm really so excited.

Damn, that's the way
to draw the line, sweetheart.

-[dramatic music fades]
-[soft music playing]

[bird chirping]

-[Lacey] Halfway up?
-[Rachel] I'm all about

volume porn star here if I'm going.

[Lacey] But you're going out to sushi,

which means you need to be
classy and delicate.

[imitates meow]

[Rachel] I'm excited,
and I have butterflies in my stomach.

And I'm nervous,
and I want to make sure I look okay.

Okay, all I have left to do
is Clear Eyes, eyeliner, and mascara,

lotion my arms, and pick out shoes.

I have never seen her take
so much time to get ready,

do her hair, do her makeup.

[doorbell ringing]

-Come in.
-[Collin] How are you?

-Good. How are you?
-Excellent.

She'll be out in two minutes
if you want to come

-chill with us.
-[Collin] Of course.

Okay. So, I'm about to go

on the first date
I've been on in a long time.

-So, you guys are gonna go eat sushi?
-Sorry.

-So nice.
-[chuckles] Shut up.

[Collin] No, seriously.

[Lacey] Learn how to take
a compliment.

-Please.
-Thank you.

[Rachel] I'm just excited
just to make a new friend.

And whatever happens, happens.

You're very confident.

You're a young, vibrant woman.

-I'm so proud.
-You guys are stupid.

I'm just happy I met somebody cool
other than my great roommates.

See you guys later tonight.

-Bye, have fun.
-[Rachel] Bye.

[Danny] Have her home by 11:00.

-[Collin chuckles]
-[Rachel] Shut up!

[whimsical music playing]

[Collin] These might be the most
dangerous stairs in Austin.

[Rachel] I think I can do okay.

Usually, like,
with all my past boyfriends,

it goes kissing, sex, then dinner out...

[chuckles] ...then becoming
boyfriend and girlfriend.

[Colin] It was like, "Ah."

[Rachel] So, I'm excited just to go on
a real date and be a grown-up.

I've had sushi, but I eat it like this
and make a mess.

Are these the kind that we can

-drop into the cups?
-[waitress] Sure.

-This is like a shot.
-[Colin] Is it gonna work?

-One, two, three.
-One, two, three.

-[chuckles] Now you gotta chug.
-[chuckles]

That's really awesome.

[whimsical music fades]

-I have a fat toe.
-Off of A, B...

No, you're going
the wrong way. Go that way.

Oh, you're wasted,
and you're giving me a piggyback ride.

-What?
-[instrumental music playing]

Do it, baby. Do it.

Thank you for carrying me
when my feet hurt. Careful.

Go this way.

[crickets chirping]

-[Collin] You're really confusing me.
-[Rachel] I like you.

But you don't want it
to go fast, right?

-I don't want things...
-I don't want things to go too fast.

I told Collin that I had a boyfriend
that I was taking a break from.

I like you,
so I'm gonna let you call the moves.

I've been totally honest with Collin.

Come on with me.

-Where?
-I don't know. Come with me.

I tell him when he looks cute.
I tell him I like him.

Get in here. We're not gonna have sex.

-Just get in.
-I don't wanna have sex...

[Rachel] We're not gonna have sex.
Just get in so we can talk.

I don't think I've hid
one thing from Collin.

-Take your shoes off in my bed.
-[instrumental music fades]

["Love Reality"
by Reggie and the Full Effect playing]

♪ It's a love reality ♪

♪ It's a love reality
To buy yourself a cash money girl ♪

♪ It's a love reality
It's a love reality ♪

♪ It's a love reality
It's a love reality ♪

♪ It's a love reality
To buy and sell for cash money girl ♪

♪ It's a love reality
It's a love reality ♪

[song fades]

[Rachel] I don't end up
kissing Collin that much

because he is really, really drunk.

And I'm just getting tired,
and I want to go to sleep now.

[dramatic music playing]

Told you Rachel was gonna mess this up.

He got up, and he was like,
"I really liked you."

And she was like, "Whatever.
I'm just tired. I'm sorry. I'm tired."

And I got mad at her,
and said, "Rachel,

you finally find someone
who actually likes you."

"And you're gonna do that
and treat him like garbage."

She's like, "I'm not treating
him like garbage, and I'm tired."

And I'm like, "It doesn't matter."

"That's not how you treat people."

"Get off me. I'm done. I'm going to bed"?
She's treating this like a man.

[Lacey] That's what he said.

[Wes] How do you think Rachel's
gonna feel in the morning?

[Lacey] She's gonna act
like she doesn't care.

And by tomorrow, she's gonna be
like, "No one likes me."

-"Wah."
-Right, yeah.

And I'm gonna be like... [retches]

[upbeat music playing]

-[Danny] Going out tonight?
-Oh, yeah, he has to.

I have to. I have some things to prove.

-[Danny] To what?
-[Lacey] Or he'll lose his pride.

-[Danny] What's your bet?
-I get to pick a girl

from the eight to ten category.

Um, Wes has exactly

-[Danny] Attaboy.
-For ten seconds.

And if he doesn't make out
with her in 15 minutes,

then I get to pick the ugliest girl

-at the bar, and he has to definitely...
-No, I said...

-...make out with her. [chuckles]
-...a five or a six. I said a five or a six.

[Johanna] Wes has a big head, and we all
kind of want to prove Wes wrong.

that he can't get with any girl he wants.

["Get Down" by Rudy playing]

♪ When I get down on the ground ♪

♪ Don't speak a word
And I won't make a sound ♪

♪ When I get down on the ground ♪

I guess she was cute, but she's not
the only one. I mean, look around.

You pointed at her.

-I already started.
-All right. Go, go, go, go.

I see the girl. I pick her. I tell him,
"It's starting right now."

-Fifteen minutes.
-Oh, my God. All right.

Your guys' job now
is to tell me one thing about you

that is individualistic.

I'm from Houston.

-H-town?
-H-town.

Watch him try and struggling.

So, this is what I have to do.
I have to kiss each of you,

and then... and then
I will decipher what the deal is, okay?

You can do it. I'm not doing it.
I'm just not that type of girl. Sorry.

What time?

I definitely think I'm gonna win.
The clock is ticking,

and I don't see him making
any improvements.

No, no, honestly,
that's not a line at all.

-I believe you.
-Okay.

I don't think you're lying,
but I just don't wanna do it.

Aw!

[Johanna] I think Wes feels stupid.

I think he feels dumb
that he lost the bet.

♪ Come on get down on the ground ♪

-[car horn honking]
-[song fades]

Will you talk to Collin?
Because he's pissed.

-Huh? I want to.
-Go give him something right now.

That episode last night was horrible.
Like, that was not me at all.

Is he working right now?

-No. He doesn't work till nighttime.
-[Melinda] Oh.

I'm gonna go get him some fun dip

and bring him
a peace offering tonight at work.

[Lacey] And explain
that you weren't treating him

like a dude,
and you weren't using him.

-That I wasn't using him.
-And that you don't treat guys

like a dude. You were really drunk.
And your actions were inappropriate.

-[Rachel] Yes, I will.
-Take the fall.

[dramatic music playing]

[Crystal] Are Collin
and Rachel still together?

Or talking or whatever the
[bleep] they're doing?

It's hard to say.
Rachel's so bad at relationships,

it's not even funny.

-[Crystal] Hmm.
-She's just a dumb [bleep]

about all that sort of stuff.

[Crystal] I heard some [bleep].
[chuckling]

What'd you hear?

-Give me some gossip.
-[Crystal] Nope.

Shut up. You can't start that...

[Crystal] I can't give details
of who said it,

but I mean,
it's a very reliable source.

It's a very reliable source
that Collin has a girlfriend?

I don't care who said it.
I just want to know what she said.

[Crystal] That Collin was dating
someone else

and he's not that interested in Rachel.

[Wes] I got some discouraging news
on the phone.

-[Rachel] What?
-Sit down.

I was talking to Crystal.

[Rachel] I think I know
what this is about. Go ahead.

Collin, he does indeed
have at least a girlfriend.

The wording
that was used distinctly underlined,

"I'm going after Rachel because I can."

I actually said, "I don't know
whether I should tell Rachel

'cause I'm sure she'll [bleep] it up
in a couple days anyway." [chuckles]

-Shut up.
-[Wes chuckles]

No. Thanks, Wes.

[Wes] Yeah, not a problem.

-[crickets chirping]
-[soft music playing]

[indistinct chatter]

[woman] She's the one
I talked to the other night!

Do you think I'm...

[Rachel] Collin's, like, at the back
of the bar flirting with some girl.

-[Johanna] Are they kissing?
-Yeah, they're kissing.

I have a bad vibe about Collin.

Turns out I was right,
and he is an [bleep].

You wanna go dance or you
wanna go? Do you wanna leave?

["Clean & Sober" playing]

♪ I hope you die a fiery death ♪

♪ I love you, God, I need you, yeah ♪

[Rachel] It was awful.

-Was that his girlfriend?
-That's tacky.

That's his girlfriend.

It's okay 'cause his p*nis isn't that big,
and neither is his heart.

-[Lacey chuckles]
-[Johanna chuckles]

-Nice.
-[Lacey] Oh, my God. That was so poetic.

♪ ...felt so clear and sober ♪

♪ And I got a black-and-blue hangover ♪

[dial tone ringing]

I was just calling to say I loved you.

-[Erik] Good.
-I came here just going to have, like,

a wild time and meet all these people.

And at the end,
I just... Every night, I go,

"I had a lot of fun, but I miss Erik."

"And I still haven't met a boy
that even comes close to him."

-[Erik chuckles]
-Times a million bajillion.

[Erik] Thank you very much, baby.

♪ ...blue hangover ♪

♪ Yeah, I got a black-and-blue hangover ♪

♪ Yeah, I got a black-and-blue hangover ♪

♪ Darling for you, darling I do ♪

[song fades]

Can I get a taxi, please?

-[woman] What's your name, hon?
-My name is Wes,

and I'm independently wealthy,
which is which is why the house is so big.

[woman laughing]
What's your phone number, Wes?

-[Wes] My phone number?
-[woman] Mm-hmm.

[Wes] What's my number?

[woman] Well,
does your girlfriend have a cell phone?

Uh, my girlfriend had a cell phone
until she dropped it in the toilet.

-[woman] Uh-oh.
-Mm-hmm.

And I wouldn't be calling her
a taxi if she was my girlfriend.

-[laughs]
-[woman laughing]

[woman] Well, I'm sorry. [chuckles]

[Wes] She's just some one night stand,
you know?