01x03 - Ex

[bunniefuu]

Curtis: [ Humming ]

Mm-hmm.
What do you think?

"Coke Classic"
or "Crystal Pepsi"?

Crystal Pepsi.

No Crystal Pepsi
after Labor Day.

Every day is after Labor Day.

[ Beeping ]

Hmm.
Hmm?

I've just never seen you
fiddle so much with the presets.

It's my ex-wife's inauguration,

not a villain's lair.

I want to look good.

So you're thinking about this
as kind of a date?

What? I'm not a teenager, Banks.
We're divorced.

She's a governor now,
and she's reaching out.

I just want to...
reward that reach,

inspire further reaching.

Ugh! Oh, my God.
[ Knocking ]

Sir, the head
of Homeland Security,

a real fuddy and duddy
of a man, is here.

Send him in, Janice.
Agent O'Doyle,

you are being red carded, again.

Apparently, you broke a
congressman's arm in five places.

He brandished an
edged weapon at the president.

He says it was
a replica Civil w*r sword

and he was being
politically theatrical.

Well, the stage is pain.

Still, please report
for reevaluation

at West Wing World.
What? No! That's my boy.

And I thought the congressman
agreed to keep it quiet.

It was actually pretty loud...

five really distinct,
unforgettable sounds.

The congressman
isn't the one who talked.

Rho Banks, you also need
to report for reevaluation

for snitching on O'Doyle.

Banks!
[ Scoffs ] That scans.

Snitching? I cooperated
with a formal inquiry.

You asked me what
happened. Yeah.

You're supposed to
lie to me, dummy.

Look, none of my business,

but I assume you guys are
attempting to be a team here,

something with a sense
of franchise.

That comes with trust.
Pass.

In the meantime,
Special Agent Chomps

will fill in for O'Doyle.

Ah! [ Chuckles ]
It's good to see you again, sir.

No, man! No!
Not Chomps!

The only thing cool about him
is his name.

Chomps is our
highest-ranking agent.

He's a normie. He's a Chad.
Am I using that right?

I need my team.
I'm seeing my ex-wife tonight.

You're not seeing it
as, like, a date, are you?

f*ck you,
and f*ck you for snitching.

And, Chomps,
what's with the clenched fists?

You trying to convince us
you're a badass?

I brought candy!
Together: Aww.

Oh, f*cking Chomps, man.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Wow. Your ex-wife has
had quite the career, sir...

the only mayor of Chicago
who could rehabilitate Candyman.

People gave her a lot of flak
for that concept, including me.

But her ideas work.

Um, sir, are you sure
about the flowers?

The governor might
interpret them as a... move.

Chomps, when I want your help,

I'll stand in the path
of a b*llet.

Copy that.
Andre!

Congratulations, governor-elect.

Looking sharp, Beverly.

And you are handsome, as always.

I love the flowers, but you know

you can't hand those
to me, right? Why not?

Because I won an election,
not a beauty pageant.

Kind of the same thing,
but point taken.

I feel like this hug
is going on too long.

Pretend like I said something
funny, then pull back and laugh.

I'm usually the one
who says the funny thing.

Now that's hilarious.

[ Laughter ]

It's good to see the world
catching up to you, Bev.

And I got very excited
when you invited me.

It's not like you had
to invite me, so...

Oh, Jesus, of course I had to.

Sorry?
Think about it.

Ex-wife of the sitting president
turned governor?

If you're not here,
that becomes the headline...

"President Curtis blows off
ex-wife's inauguration

"to fight Bigfoot," or whatever.

I already fought Bigfoot.

And now I have an even
more challenging assignment.

What's that? Don't do
anything. Just be here. For me.

But not underneath me
or above me

or in front of me or behind me.

So... where do you want me?
There are tables everywhere.

And there's a photo later,
and if you're standing

too far or too close
to me in it,


becomes a tabloid story

about our sex life, so...

nuance.
Oh, Beverly!

Mind if I steal her,
Mr. President?

She belongs to the world,
my friend!

Talk to you later, Beverly.

The f*ck is nuance?

[ Intercom chimes ]

Man: Now entering
Los Silencios: Sector Five.

Next stop, West Wing World.

You understand
I didn't, like, tattle on you.

You explained already.

Someone asked you what I did,

and you answered them.
Exactly!

And isn't your gimmick
that you never lie?

I would have kept quiet.
Okay.

So if I m*rder*d someone
and you saw it

and the police asked you
if I m*rder*d someone,

you would just, pfft,
say nothing?

Is this scenario happening
after you snitched on me?

Hey, aren't you
the Secret Service guy

who broke
that congressman's arm?

Uh...

See how easy?

Yes.

Now arriving at West Wing World.

[ Intercom chimes ]

Geez.
What even is this place?

It's a simulated town
populated by robots

that test you on the skills
required by your position.

I take it the results don't
matter or you'd be gone by now.

I'm just good at it, Banks.

They put me on a fake street and
try to trick me into sh**ting a baby.

I even know the pattern.

g*n, baby, g*n, g*n, baby,
baby, baby, g*n, baby, g*n, g*n,

and it ends with a
g*n baby. A what?

A baby with a g*n.

It's a no-win scenario,
but this time I have an idea.

Hi there, Chief of Staff Banks
and Special Agent O'Doyle.

All interactions with our staff
are tracked on these.

You must score 70% or more,
otherwise you'll be fired.

That's fine.
[ Device chimes ]

Even-keeled in the face
of a threat.

Nice work, Agent O'Doyle.

You better f*cking believe it.

Narrator: But Beverly Mills
didn't see a horror story,

she saw hope.

Working with Candyman
and urban scientists,

they created CPEP, the Candyman
Perpetual Energy Project,

a system that captured
his murdering energy

with a series of mirrors, hooks,

and kinetic impact absorbers.

Candyman, Candyman,
Candyman, Candyman, Candyman.

Candyman, Candyman, Candyman,
Candyman, Candyman.

A decade later,
CPEP powers over 20% of Chicago,

and Candyman stands as a symbol
of monster crime reborn.

From CPEP
to raising minimum wage

to Babadook book drives,

Governor Mills is powering
Illinois by planning ahead.

Still don't trust
that Babadook, though.

Pfft...

[ Laughs ]

[ Sighs ]

Uh, would you like
to leave, sir?

I can't leave!
That'd piss her off forever.

She wants me to sit here
like a prop?

That's what I'm gonna do.
That's the spirit, sir!

Tonight, you're just a light
wind under her capable wings.

You know, my wife,
Nina, always says...

Hang on.
Does that server look sketchy?

He's got the mark of
the Chicago Werewolf Syndicate.

Well, you know, Beverly's big
on werewolf reform.

She's got that MoonRight
Initiative that's poppin'.

Uh, Chomps, can you get me
another ChiTown Mule?

That's not my job,
but I'm happy to serve.

[ Whistling cheerfully ]

Hey, pal.

Oh, Mr. President.

Got some questions
about the chow. What?

Yeah, see, I got GERD.
It's this stomach thing.

Just making sure you're
not planning any

off-the-menu surprises.

Uh, no, sir.
Nothing spicy?

Oh, I think you'll like
what we're gonna serve.

Sounds pretty vague.

Can you walk me
through the courses?

For my GERD.

[ Mutters ]

f*ck it.
[ Tray clatters ]

[ Snarling, growls ]

Haha!
Gotcha, b*tch!

Oh, sh*t!

♪♪

Aah! Tapatío!

Dang it! Oh, is that
a werewolf thing?

It's an everyone thing!

No one likes hot sauce
in their eyes!

Aah!
Chomps! Holy sh*t!

Use your silver b*ll*ts!

I don't have silver b*ll*ts!
What?!

O'Doyle has garlic b*ll*ts,
salt b*ll*ts,

silver b*ll*ts!
I didn't bring silver b*ll*ts

because I don't want
you to fight a werewolf!

Aah!

Oof!
Oh, I hate you, Chomps!

Real silverware.
This event is nice.

I knew that guy was
up to something.

Come on, we gotta go tell Bev.

And ruin her party?

Sir, this might be
your last chance with Beverly.

You really want to blow it
on this?

What are you doing?
Containing the scent.

When you k*ll a werewolf,
they release an alarm pheromone

that triggers other werewolves
nearby to hulk out.

I'll call the DoD,
tell them we got a Code Silver,

get us a rooftop drop.
Damn.

I thought you weren't
into this kind of sh*t.

I'm two months from retirement,

and I've never missed
a mission brief.

[ Grunts ]
Let's move.

Watch the dew claws.

Morning, Agent O'Doyle.
I'm Frank.

I got a big passion
for firearms and safety.

How are you feeling
today? Fine, sir.

I got word there are
some bad seeds on this block.

Think you can identify
only the threats?

Yes, sir.
Let's see it.

g*n!

Baby! g*n! g*n!

Baby! Baby!
Baby! Baby!

g*n! Baby!
g*n! g*n!

g*n baby!

[ g*n clicks ]

Huh?
[ Device chimes ]

My God.
Son, you solved g*n baby.

You better f*cking believe it.

[ Cheering ]
Thank you, everyone.

People like you are
what make this country great.

Great job, sir.

The town hall ran long,
so I went ahead

and rescheduled your 5:00

with the prime minister
of Meepos.

Oh, no. The moderator.
She's really annoying.

On it, sir. [ High-pitched
voice ] Hello!

The president is running behind,

but here's my number.

Let's sync up.
Incredible moderating. Truly.

Okay.
[ Device chimes ]

Excellent work, Banks.

You really chiefed that staff.

I'm gonna go take a sh*t.

Give me a holler
if you fall in, sir.

[ Laughs ]
[ Device chimes ]

Oh, hey. Banks, right?
I'm Tom from the train.

Your Secret Service friend
stared at me

until I pissed a little. Yep.
That's O'Doyle for you.

He gets to snap arms
like glow sticks,

and apparently it's my fault
if I don't lie about that.

[ Device beeps ]
What? What the hell?

No!

Are you f*cking kidding me?

Uh, hey, O'Doyle.
How'd your test go?

Mm.
Well, I was acing mine,

but then that guy from the train

baited me into blabbing
about you,

and he turned out
to be a g*dd*mn robot!

That is why I keep quiet.

Oh, you're such a butt!

I'll figure it out on my own.

Doubt it.
Ugh!

Ugh! You know, O'Doyle
always carries his own bodies.

Sometimes he carries me, too.
Piggyback.

Right on time.
Come on, shove it inside.

[ Both grunt ]

Jesus.
Had to contain the scent.

Haha! Yep! None of the
pheromones got airborne, sir.

This party is clear.

Well, just in case,
I'm bringing some nuance.

You're still not using
that word right, sir.

Honestly, I still can't believe

you reformed
the Rockford Babysitter Eater.

Eh.
Wasn't that hard.

Just had to find
the right synthetic flesh

for his skin suits.

And I thought I was
a picky dresser.

Ah, Mr. President.
Noticing a lot of rizz tonight.

Oh, stop it, senator.

Andre, you know
Candyman? Of course!

I see you've replaced your hook
with a champagne flute.

Why would I want
a glass container as a hand?

It's a champagne flute holder.

I'm sure that distinction
is important to you.

It is.

Uh, I'm sorry.
What am I doing?

I'm sniping.
No, no. I got defensive.

You brought up my hand,

and it took me right back
to the bathroom mirror.

Here.
Let... Let me top you off.

To Beverly.
To Beverly.

You know, I never would
have gotten into politics

without her guidance?
Oh, please.

I took you as my date
to one political fundraiser.

Your charm did the rest.

Who? Little old me?

[ Laughter ]
[ Watch beeping ]

I gotta step out for a call,

but, hey,
tonight's not about me.

Bev, the floor is yours.

Why are you here?
You're a dead man!

Chomps! Bag him!

I... I'm trying
to get a clear shot!

[ Snarling ]

Aah!

[ Grunting ]

Hya!

[ Grunting ]

[ Yelps ]

Now do you believe me? Both of those guys
were servers, too. What does that prove?

Other than your ex-wife
gives jobs to werewolves,

and every time you see them,
you escalate things.

Don't patronize me.

Job Evaluation Help Desk.
How may I help you?

Hi, there.
I'd like to restart my test.

You and everyone
else here, ma'am. Right.

Except I wasn't aware
you would be planting "Tom"

to gaslight me into talking.
[ Device beeps ]

What? No! I'm not snitching.
I'm just telling you about...

[ Device beeps ]
Goddammit!

Hey, Mary. I think she's
right. What the f*ck?

Get out of here, Tom.
No, no.

You wanted to restart your test,

and I think this might be
a special case.

Of course it's a special case.
[ Device beeps ]

Elitist?!
You know what?

I tried to do this
the honest way.

Diagnostic Mode.

[ Robots beeping ]

And... there we go.

Clean reset.

Resume functionality.

What? I'm... supposed to talk
with the Chief of Staff?

Do some kind of...
entrapment?

Uh, excuse me.

I keep getting dinged for trying
to have sex with the robots.

Which robots do I complain to?

These robots.

Oh, my God, I'm a robot?!

Oh, my God, I'm a robot?!

Oh, my God, I'm a robot?!

I'm a robot?! Oh,
my God, I'm a robot?!

I have memory, but no memories!

Ha!
Aah!

Diagnostic Mode!
Diagnostic Mode!

[ Robots shouting ]

[ Device beeps ]
Aw!

O'Doyle!
[ Device beeps ]

Aw!
[ Device beeps ]

Aw, come on, man!

Now, most of you know this,
but I grew up here,

and even though
I'm moving to the capital,

I'll always be a Windy City kid.

Man: Feel that wind!
I love you, Chicago!

I love you, Candyman!

And I love you, Wrigley Gum!

Whoo!
Man #2: Wrigley!

If I could vote for you
twice, I would.

That'd be ill*gal.
But... kind of hot.

[ Chuckles ] Governor, the press
photographer is all set up for you.

You ready?
For pictures? No.

I'm shy.
Mm-hmm.

Photographer: Oh, that's nice.
Eyes up here, guys. Big smiles.

Oh, Candyman, get that
champagne flute hand up for me.

It's a champagne flute holder.

[ Doors slam, people gasp ]

[ Electricity crackles ]

Ladies and gentlemen,

you are now prisoners in a
highly planned werewolf attack.

[ Chuckles ] All of
the servers were in on it.

Yeah! I knew it!
I told you, Chomps.

I k*lled three of them already.

You did what now?

Oh. Right. Uh...

sh*t.

We are the Werewolf Anonymous.

We've placed an EMP field
around the block.

Your technology is useless.

He's right.
Pheromone tracker is dead.

What the hell, guys? You were
k*lling werewolves at my party?

I told you we should
tell her. It's true, ma'am.

He wanted to,
but I thought telling you

might ruin his chances,

because he's still
in love with you and...

Chomps!
What the f*ck, man?

Uh, excuse me. I'm trying to do
a werewolf manifesto here.

Oh, shut up, m*therf*cker!

Also, you can't be anonymous
and have a manifesto.

Pick a lane. I... I
can't take it anymore!

I'm not a brave man!

Aah! Aah!
Curtis: My God.

The b*stards rigged the door
with werewolf teeth.

Can you feel it, senator,

our power coursing
through your veins?

And she's trying
to take that from us!

We don't need to be cured.
We like crime!

Some werewolves got bit
and want a second chance.

Not everyone who was dealt a
mouth of bees chooses darkness.

Shut up, Candyman!

Look at you,
a champagne flute for a hand.

It's a champagne flute holder!

It's the same thing, you cuck!
You sold out.

I'm f*cking Candyman!

I pay more taxes than you,

and I can drink
all the champagne I want.

That doesn't make me spineless.
It makes me awesome!

Enough! Beverly, we left a gift
on the center table.

Use that to transfer all funds

from your MoonRight program
to us.

And if you don't,
you can all join us.

Curtis: Oh, my God, a b*mb
covered in werewolf teeth?!

You sick b*stards!

You have 20 minutes, Beverly.

Aah!

What the hell is going on?

Erasing my score voided out
memories across multiple robots.

That glitch set off a
universal programming collapse.

I found another special case!

You know what?
I don't like trains anyway.

How do you feel about tunnels?

Robot:
Humans! I found humans!

Move! Get inside.
There they are!

[ Device beeping ]

[ g*n c*ck ]
[ Gasps ]

♪♪

Huh?

♪♪

Mm.

[ Grunting ]

[ Gasps ]
Is that the g*n baby?

Why are you rescuing it?
Because I am g*n baby!

Searching for humans.

You don't have to say it
out loud, Tommy.

We're all searching.

♪♪

sh*t.
[ Crying ]

No, no, no.
You have to be quiet, GB.

Shh, shh.

Hey, be gentle with him. Relax.

I'm simulating a full belly and
syncing it to its sleep cycle.

I also reset our scores.
This place can eat a d*ck.

What are you doing? Dishonesty
is the only way through those robots.

I can't do that,

so I'm putting myself
in a leprechaun trance.

My God, why can't you just lie?

Because then my mother wins.

[ Exhales sharply ]

[ Inhales steadily ]

[ Exhales ]

Female Leprechaun:
You'll never have me gold.

I don't want your gold.
I have my own gold.

Call it me gold.

f*ck off. You don't
control me. [ Coins jangling ]

Okay, everyone, move away
from the werewolf senator.

Stay on this side of the room.

Andre, you remember The Bean?

The weird,
shiny public art installation?

Yeah. I never got
why you liked it so much.

Hmph.
You will after tonight.

You two, be ready to move.

Jessica, you sure
about these bank numbers?

Yes, ma'am. You're
actually gonna pay them?

They've got an EMP field
surrounding the block.

If the wire goes through,
it means they're inside it.

Hey! Anonymous bro!

Don't f*ck with us, Beverly.

Okay. Fine.
Just wired it.

Wait. Seriously?
[ Chuckles ] Oh, my God!

You realize I'm still gonna...

Wait.
What the hell is that?

Alright, people, do not panic!

[ Car alarm disengages ]
Inside The Bean!

Everybody, now!
Go, go!

You heard her! Go! Go!
Move, move, move!

[ Timer chimes ]

Chomps! Are you okay?
[ Groaning ]

Christ, you took a tooth for me.

[ Groans ]
I'm alright, sir.

My wounds are healing.
That's not a good thing, though.

It means the human you
knew is dead. No, that zombies.

Werewolves retain
a sense of self.

It's just a sl*ve
to the beast within.

Candyman,
keep everyone safe in here

until the cops come.
Candy-do.

This is incredible, Bev!

A remote-retrieval prepper den

hidden inside
a beloved work of public art.

Like I said...
nuance.

[ Grunts ] You can do this.
Just be calm.

You are a robot.
You are a robot.

[ Exhales sharply ]

[ Humming ]

Hey. Just moving
one of our guys.

Are you human?
Nope. Robot as they come.

Check it out, dawg.
Cords in my head.

Okay.
Robot enough for me.

Holy sh*t. Yes!

Stop her!
[ Gasps ]

She is not one of us!

You are not one of us.

What?
I'm just saying,

this guy comes in here,
starts whining like a human.

I am a robot.
My face is literally metal!

So we're going by looks now?

I heard you guys being
suspicious about a fake robot.

This one seems emotional.
I do not trust him.

Stop gaslighting me!
Pretty human thing to say.

Perhaps we should k*ll him
to be sure.

Okay, let's tear him apart.

No. No! I'm a real robot!

I don't want to die!
Aah!

[ g*n baby cries ]

Wait. That cry.

She's got g*n baby!

Okay, wake up.
Wake the hell up!

Your mother is winning!

[ Gasps ]
Oh, God, that was hell!

Can you please
just start sh**ting?!

Aw, silver b*ll*ts?
Why silver?!

Man: Congratulations.

You have passed the
job evaluation program.

Wait. Where's GB?

[ Intercom chimes, thudding ]

Thank you, Banks.

And you, I guess you were
the prize all along.

[ Crying ] No, no,
no, no, no. Shh.

I, uh...
I need you to feed it again.

Fine.

[ Cooing ]

I am so jealous
of that connection.

Don't be. You'll still
get all the credit.

[ Grunts ]
How you doing, Chomps?

Ready to be a good werewolf
that fights other werewolves?

I'd prefer to just
be myself, sir.

Oof!
Remember, no k*lling.

Arresting them at least
gives them a chance to change.

[ Snarling ]

Aah!
[ Grunts ]

♪♪

[ Exhales sharply ]

[ Grunting ]

Whoa! Chain g*n!

Lucky for us,
this is a pre-1985 building.

Radiator heating is standard.

Aah!

Christ, the legs on these guys.

[ Snarling ]

[ All grunting ]

sh*t. This must be
where they filmed.

That's far enough.

You know, I could have run,

but I told you
not to f*ck with me!

Look at me. You don't think
I've seen this before?

I could make a call,
get you in the program.

I will take you there myself.

Are you kidding me?!
No!

It used to be a guy gets bit,
he joins our team...

[ Whispering ]
Sir, I am succumbing

to the darkness within.
Oh, thank Christ.

Do it!
We are monsters, damn it!

[ Roars ]

Oh, sh*t.

♪♪

Ha!

Sorry, governor.
Crime always wins.

Candyman, Candyman,
Candyman, Candyman, Candyman!

Aw, man. Candyman?
Believe in me.

Be my victim!

Ahhhh!

Aah! Oh!

Cheers! Aah! Aah! Get 'em off!

Get 'em off! [ Laughs ]
You belong to me now.

Your death will be
a horror story

whispered by werewolf children!

Curtis:
Hey, Candyman.

You're more than the holder.

Sometimes I wish if
you said my name a sixth time

I'd just disappear.

I know, man, I know.

[ Sighs ] Thanks.

[ Police radio chatter ]

Pretty big crowd
out there, ma'am.

Are you ready
to governate this b*tch?

I'll be out in a sec.
Yes, ma'am.

Pretty amazing, governor.

Defanging a werewolf syndicate
on night one?

Not bad. I'm sure the press
will love hearing you say that.

Nah. I'm gonna
take a back exit.

It's your night, Bev.

Thanks, Andre.

Hey, can I ask you something?

If I wasn't president,

if I gave it all up,
could this work?

If you weren't president,

who would you be?

See you around, Andre.

[ Sighs ]

Come on, Chomps.
Let's go home.

You know, when
they reassigned me to you,

I didn't think I'd end up
a wolf creature

ineligible for retirement.

Hey, no. I'll get
my best people on this.

Could we stop at the park
on the way home?

No, but I do have
a treat in the car.

How about some candy?

Ooh!

♪ Werewolves stepping over
boundaries ♪

♪ With my ex-wife ♪

♪ Candyman can be a good guy ♪

♪ If you give him
room to grow ♪

♪ Werewolves, zero ♪

♪ President, 100 ♪

Chomps, buddy,
how are you holding up?

I'm infected
with lycanthropy, sir.

Are you now?
Dr. Finch.

Y-Hello!
It's called a moon collar.

It delivers a drip
of silver serum

that allows you to control
when you werewolf-hulk out.

So it's a cure?
It's a start.

And I just heard that under
paranormal agent guidelines,

you won't have to retire
for another 35 years

since they now calculate
your age in dog years.



I know! Great, right?
Stay strong, Alan Chomps!

America loves you.

Woman: Good girl, boo-boo.

Man:
Did you get any of that?