06x11 - Please Welcome Erika Jayne!

[bunniefuu]

- Previously on

"The Real Housewives
of Beverly Hills..."

- Pat the puss,
pat the puss, pat the puss.

- I have an alter ego.

Her name is Erika Jayne.

She's class and a*s.

She's over-the-top fabulous.

Work!

- Somebody came to me
with a word

and thought that
this is what you had;

called Munchausen.

- I have two children
that have severe...

- I--
- Suppressed immune systems.

Both Bella and Anwar,
you know, had Lyme disease.

- There's been a little talk
that maybe Bella and Anwar

do not have Lyme.

- Oh, my God.
Who said that?

- Lisa and Kyle
were discussing it.

[upbeat music]

- My lips were made
for talking,

and that's just
what they'll do.

- In Beverly Hills,
you can be anything,

but it's most important
to be yourself.

- I'm an enigma
wrapped in a riddle and cash.

- I may be an actress,

but that doesn't mean
I'll stick to your script.

- Fake friends
believe in rumors.

Real friends believe in you.

- Don't hate the game,
just marry a player.

- I'm passionate about dogs,
just not crazy about b*tches.

♪ ♪

- Hi. Good morning.

- Hi. How are you?
- Hello.

Nice to see you.
- Good to see you again.

How are you?
- How are you?

- Very well.

- Do we have to get
naked for this?

- Hey. Good morning!
- Hi. Hello. Hi.

- How are you?
- Good.

- How are you?
- Hi, Kyle.

- Good to see you.
- Hello. Hi.

- Nice to see you.
- Hi, I'm Daisy.

- My nurse.

- Hi, Daisy.
- Kyle.

- How are you?
- Nice to meet you.

- Can I ask you a question?

What--I'm little nervous
about being frozen.

- Well, you don't have
to get in there.

- Well, I wanted you to try it.
- Well, what do you think

you're here for,
to take pictures of us?

- But no, moral--moral support.
- Oh.

- Come on, just put
my toe in there.

- God, moral support.
I do this every day of my life.

- No.

Listen I don't
really understand

freezing myself
in a chamber every day,

but she's looking great,

so if it works for her

then I'm gonna do it.

- Let me see, you have
a little bit of inflammation.

Yeah, yeah,
we can take that back.

- What?
What inflammation where?

- Stick your a*s in there.
- Just shut up.

- Why don't you come
and see it first?

- Okay.
- How cold is it?

There's got to be a reason
it's called cryo.

It has to be--
- It means you're gonna

cry really hard.

- Oh!
- And then, you're gonna

feel really good.

- No.

- Cryotherapy is one of
the fun things I do every week.

You go into a box,
where it's below freezing,

and you come out
like a frozen popsicle.

- Hi. I'm Dr. Manning.

- Nice to meet you.
Dr. Manning, nice to meet you.

- Lisa.
- Am I gonna get frostbite?

- You're not
gonna get frostbite.

Basically, we put you
in a cold environment.

It cools down your skin rapidly
and your body produces

its own natural
anti-inflammatory molecule.

- How cold is it?
- Negative 140 degrees Celsius.

- What? Is that the truth?
- Oh, stop, it's not.

- This is a medical treatment
and they show up with the jewels

and the lipstick and the heels.

Girls, we're supposed
to get naked

and raw and freeze
to death together.

- You're gonna step in here.

As soon as I shut the door,
you're gonna hand me your robe.

I'm gonna lift you up on a lift.

Your head's gonna up here and
then a minute and a half later,

you're gonna walk out
feeling like a different person.

Here we go.

- [shrieking]

What? What's that?

This is like the padded cell
that my--

I used to be put in years ago.

I got to take my clothes off.
- I'll close the door, so yeah.

- Oh, please don't.
[all laughing]

[shrieking]

[all laughing]

- Hi!

- [singing indistinctly]

[screams]
It's starting to get cold!

It's really fáááing freezing!

I don't like this.
- It's not so bad.

- [screaming]

I am doing this
to be a supportive friend,

and Yolanda's
trying to t*rture me.

- I think you should go.
- [screaming]

- Good luck with the winter,
this is nothing.

- I moved to here from England
because it was too cold.

What I actually liked
about this whole thing

is see Yolanda laughing.

This the most sexually
exciting thing I've ever done.

If Yolanda's laughing,
even at my expense,

while I'm freezing my a*s off,
then so be it.

- I don't want to do this!
Oh, my God.

- Give me robe!
- I can't take it.

- You can take it.
- Give me the robe!

- You've got this.
- I'm freezing

my a*s off, literally.

- But your skin is glowing.
- That's why everyone

in Hollywood does it.

- I feel like I am
skiing down a mountain

in Aspen stark-naked
in a blizzard.

That's it? Am I done?
- That's it.

- No, I'm not.
- It's much shorter than Lisa.

- This makes no sense.

I think I had a little...

Frostbite on my a*s.
- Yeah.

- I want my brain
in the freezing.

- Oh, come on!
At least scream and squeal.

- This isn't how a real woman
takes a little bit of cold.

Hard-core, freezing cold.

I'm gonna do round two.

If you're up for it,
you can come,

or I'll see you guys at lunch?

- We'll meet you at lunch.
- I don't know--uh--me--.

- If it's either
freezing your a*s off

or having lunch with rosé,
I'm going with the latter.

Good luck!

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- All right, what you got
going on back here?

- Okay, so we're
taking the tour bus,

obviously, down
to San Diego, okay?

- Which is gonna be great.

- I definitely think we should
pull out some of the shoes

and bring them down the hall,

so we could start
packing everything.

- We're performing
in San Diego this weekend.

Rich's, it's a great g*y club,

and the name of the party
is called pervert.

Right up my alley.

- So sound check look,
and then after party look,

we need something fun and sexy--

- 'Cause we're having an
after party in our suite.

- Yeah, and we need to look--
- Cute.

I want the ladies to come down
and meet Erika Jayne

because everyone needs a little
Erika Jayne in their life,

especially these old girls.

- And then, brunch the
following day with the ladies...

- At Kathryn's house.
- You told me about.

- Yes, oh, you know
what we should do?

She doesn't like when
they use the word áááá.

- Okay.
- So pull her out. [laughing]

- Oh, for sure.
This is the trip.

- It's funny, these women,
they'll talk about

each other's husbands and kids
and health and sháá like that,

but they all have a meltdown
when I say the word áááá.

So where does that
put you on balance?

- Right.
- It's my party.

- And I'll be áááá
if I want to.

- Want to, right.
- Bloop!

- It's rather old and narrow

and conservative that Kathryn
is so bothered by this word.

- If you're too mean,
then you're a áááá.

You know, you're never--
- Oh, I hate that word.

Don't say that word? I--
- You do? Why?

- That's the most
disgusting word.

- Why?
- You're too beautiful

to say that word.

- It's not like I'm calling
someone a áááá.

It's really just an attitude.

- What about these ones?

These say, "I own everything
and my vag*na is not cold."

- My vag*na's hot.
- Hot, steamy.

- Steaming.

♪ ♪

[line trilling]

- Hello.
- Hi!

How are you?

- Great. We're on lunch break.

Did the first few scenes
this morning,

so I'm having a good time.

- Well, I'm having
to pack for San Diego now.

The next time I see Erika,

she's gonna be
Erika Jayne onstage.

What are the kids doing?

- Delilah's going camping.

- Oh, that's right,
so what do we do with Amelia

for when I'm San Diego,
you're here?

- Yeah, I'm here
on Saturday and Sunday.

- I don't quite know
what to expect.

Maybe soft-core porn.

"Caligula."

Sex and stuff.

I think we're gonna see
a full blown orgy.

[chuckles]
Oh, my God.

- Okay. I love you, babe.
- Okay, love you.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- I'm going for one night.
[laughs]

♪ ♪

- Still feel cold, or not?

- I feel good.
Let me tell you something.

- What about the icy heart?
- My knee and my hip

feels better.

- Has that thawed out?

- My icy heart? Nope.

[both chuckle]

That's still cold.

Thank you.

- Thank you.

Okay.

- My knee was hurting me.

- And now it doesn't?

- It feels much better,

and that's one time.

Yeah.
- Hey, girls.

- Hey, how are you?

- I said, "I actually think
it was quite good."

- It was fun, no?
- I think it was quite good.

- Did you like it?

- Yeah.
- You both look very glowy.

- Okay, I'll admit it,
I think it did help,

but it was still
way fáááing cold.

Are you coming to San Diego?

- Mmm, I don't think
I'm ready now.

- No?
- Too much.

The traveling, the--
- Do you know there are



- Yeah, it's a huge thing.

I've never seen Erika perform,

but I'm still healing
and recovering.

It's just not
the right situation for me.

I mean, my bedtime
is 8:00 p.m.

- Do you ladies have any
questions about the menu?

- I think I'm gonna
have the salmon.

- The grilled salmon?
- Grilled salmon, yeah.

- Beautiful.
- I'm just gonna

have the beet salad.

- Beet salad.
- The insalata regina.

- Thank you very much.
- Thank you so much.

- So Lisa came to see me.

It was--it was kind of awkward.

- What did she say?

- She said that you have
a hausenmauschen.

Whatever that is.
- A Munchausen.

- Munchausen.
- What is it?

Who says that?

It just gave me such an ugly
feeling, you know?

I said to her--I said, "Listen,
you are discrediting my disease.

My four-year journey
that I've lived."

Who are you? I mean,
what kind of person are you?

Because me, I would never look
at somebody that is sick

and go like, "Oh, you're not
sick," or, "You're faking it."

- Lisa Rinna's never questioned
that you are suffering,

that you have Lyme disease ever.

- I think Lisa was
repeating some gossip,

from what I can gather,
down in Malibu.

- But I also want, you know,
I wanted to ask

you girls today as well,

what was your part
in that conversation?

I mean, did you stand up for me?

- Munchausen is something
that people might not be sick.

They make themselves sick.

- Vanderpump and I were
a little bit shocked

when Lisa Rinna
said the word "Munchausen,"

and didn't say enough.

We could have said more.

- You guys are supposed
to be my homies.

You're my friends.

If somebody said something,

did you say, "No, this woman
has been sick for four years.

"I mean, she's been
in bed nine months.

She's fighting for her life."

- You have been struggling
and we all know that.

- We know that.
- But if--

if there's any
questions about it,

you guys should have
always come to me.

And then, she also mentioned
that you said

that Anwar and Bella

do not have Lyme disease.

I mean, Anwar and Bella both

are--have same Lyme--
have Lyme disease as well.

And somebody told me that
Lisa Vanderpump was actually--

- Well, just at--
at dinner the other night,

they were very lightly
discussing it.

- That rubs me the wrong way.
- Yeah.

- Don't ever get close
to my children.

- Mm-hmm.
- You know what I mean?

- I do understand that.
- That takes the best of me.

- I--trust me.

- I've never heard in--in all
the years I've known them,

ever them or anybody else
mention Lyme disease.

- What's going on with Anwar
and Bella's Lyme disease?

- What does Mohamed say?
- No.

She's the only one that has it.

- Listen, Mohamed pays
for the medical bills.

So Mohamed knows very well
where his children

are being treated
and for how long.

- I never knew that.
- Okay, well, then you--

it's not something
that he probably

wants to share with you.

- But in a--I'm talking about
not an in-depth conversation,

so when I thought--
of course I, of course I say,

"No, I didn't know,"
and it's just like--

- So you never said,
"I don't think

Bella and Anwar
have Lyme disease."

- It's like, "What the fááá?"

- Coming up...

- I don't like your bag.

- [laughs] I'm not surprised.

- So you never said,

"I don't think Bella
and Anwar have Lyme disease."

- All right, so
what I've gotten from it

is that Mohamed said
they were healthy.

- So that's--
that's basically saying

they don't have Lyme disease.

- Well, I don't know.

- If you're really curious
and you want to understand it,

I brought you their test...
- Yolanda.

- And I want you
to take it home and read it.

- Oh, my God.

She went to great lengths

to prove Lisa wrong.

- Oh, no, I don't want it now.

- You're not taking it?
- No.

I don't want to look
at the kids' medical file.

She's their mother.

If she says
they've got Lyme disease,

then she's right.

- I want you to read it
and if you said that,

I would love for you
to apologize to them

because this will come up
and I wouldn't want this

to ruin your relationship
with my children.

- I don't really understand
why Yolanda's saying

I need to apologize
to her children.

Mohamed told me they were fine
and that's what I thought.

- I would want them to
understand and hear from you

what it is that you said.

Saying the children don't have
Lyme disease is discrediting...

- I'm not a doctor.
- Of their journey

of three years.

It would break my heart,
for Bella and Anwar,

to hear that you put
any doubt out there

that they are ill or not.

- Yolanda is really upset
with Lisa Vanderpump right now

and it's extremely awkward.

- I'm saying
I never knew

they were ill.

- All I know is that they're
talking about my children,

and if they had any questions,
they should have come to me.

Why talk about it
behind my back?

- Did Lisa Rinna say
we were talking about you?

I don't understand because
any conversations

any of us have had
have never been,

you know,
malicious and gossipy.

- It was more about Lisa saying
that Lisa brought up

my kids not being sick.

- Oh!

My name's suddenly being
pulled into something

that I really didn't
want to be a part of.

I answered the question
that Kyle asked me.

I'm just speaking my truth.

- I don't know
exactly why our names

were brought into it when
she went to apologize to you,

but I don't want you
to think that we ever

questioned or doubted you ever.

I don't why Lisa Rinna would
go over to visit Yolanda

and start stirring up trouble.

We weren't talking
about her kids.

I don't know anything
about her children's health.

Okay, you guys,

I have to pick up my kids
from school, actually.

- That's for you.
- Oh, no.

- Yeah, Take it!
- I--no, no!

- Read it!
- No!

- Get educated.
- If mommy said they're healthy,

I--that's his--just--
being defensive...

- You have been so.
- And telling me to shut up.

And that's it. I don't know.
- Okay.

Hey, it's between you
and the universe, baby.

- We bought in.

It's good to see you
looking better, though.

- Nice to see you.
- It's good to see you

looking better.

- Well, that was
kind of strange.

- I don't like it
being stirred up like that.

That's unnecessary.

- Lisa Rinna told me that
she wanted to apologize

and she actually said, you know,
I'm not--I'm just--you know,

I have to get it off
my conscience that I said this

and she never mentioned anything
about dragging us into it.

- Fine
Yeah, deal with your own sháá!

- Yeah.
- Don't drag us into it.

It's stupid.

Just creating crap

that doesn't need
to be stirred up.

- Well, I'm gonna
ask her tomorrow.

But I have to pick up
the kids at school.

- All right, see you later.
- Talk to you later.

♪ ♪

- Hi, how are you?
- I'm good, thank you.

- Welcome. Please.

- Thank you so much.

- Welcome.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- How are you, sweets?
- How are you, cutie?

- I'm good. Good to see you.

What are you gonna get?

- I was looking
at that salmon salad.

That looks pretty good.

- Should we both do that?
- Sure.

- Good afternoon. How are you?
- Hello. Good afternoon...

- Hi.
- Well, thank you, and you?

We're both gonna have
the salmon salad, please.

- Would you like
some bread as well

with some olive oil
and balsamic?

- Sí.
- Sure. Yes.

- Yes? Okay.
- Thank you.

- Grazie. Sorry.
[both laughing]

- Where is he from? He's cute.
- I have no idea.

I assumed it was Italy.

[both laughing]

- Kathryn has
a very strong personality.

She's really out there.

She seems like
she's opinionated,

but she seems like
she's a lot fun.

- I loved your husband
by the way.

- Oh, thank you.
- So sweet, very nice guy...

- I like yours too.
- Very nice guy.

- Oh, what's not
to like about them both, right?

- I know, it's really true.

- Where do you live,
in Malibu?

- Uh-huh.
- So that's a little bit

of schlepp for you.

- Actually,
this was pretty easy.

- Yeah.
- This was like 32 minutes.

- Oh, good, you time it.
- It's like, are you kidding me?

- 32 minutes,
not 31, 32 minutes.

- This is the salmon salad.
- Wow, thank you.

- Beautiful, thank you.
- Wow, that's beautiful.

- Wait a minute, you told me
when we first met,

you dated my ex.

When?

- Sorry.
- I love it.

You're like--you're
so up his alley.

- I have a big, fat mouth

and I have no idea
why that came out.

Did you meet Kathryn?

She said she used to used
to be married to Marcus Allen.

- What?

- Peter--
- Actually went out with Marcus

a long time ago.

- Did you?
- Oh.

- A couple times.
- He's a good guy.

He's a really good guy.

- There was nothing of that
nature between us.

- Listen, I don't blame you.
- [laughs]

"Hi, nice to meet you.

I dated your ex-husband
by the way."

Ugh.

- When? What--how long ago?

- Oh, God, a long time
before you.

'89?

- '89.
- We went to lunch.

Or '88.
- That's interesting.

- Why?
- Well, I was dating him in '88.

- I got to go.
- [laughing]

- I got to go now.
[laughing]

- I was afraid of this.
- Did you see me? Oop.

- I was afraid of this...
- No!

- But you know what?
I swear, I was just like--

- Oh, my God,
I am so red right now.

I can feel that I'm blushing.
This is too funny.

[chuckles]
Oops.

- San Diego, I feel, is
gonna be interesting.

Erika comes with
the come on, right?

- Love this.
- I'm dying to see it.

- Love it. I think Erika's one
of the most interesting people.

- She really is.
- She's very down-to-earth

and she's very to the point.

- She's got a wild side,
though, for sure.

- Yeah.
[phone rings]

Oh.
- Oh, it's the handsome husband.

- Oh, good.
- Let me answer--

talk to him really fast.

- Tell him I said hi.

- Hi, baby.
- Hello.

- I meant to tell you that
we went out like too.

- Yeah, you know--
- [laughing]

- Honey, did you
go out with Eileen?

[both laughing]

- Shut up.
- What are you doing?

How's everything going on?
Are you holding it down?

Our house is like a--
- I'm holding it down.

- Is he in San Diego right now?
- Things are going well.

- We have a house in San Diego

and we're just finishing up
doing massive renovations.

We ripped out everything
down to the bare--

not even the wall.
We took the walls out.

Did the sofa get there?

- That is correct.
- Yes!

I love to entertain,
so since we'll be in San Diego,

I'm gonna have the ladies over

even though
I'm under construction.

Good, babe. I love you so much.

Take a picture
and send it to me.

- I love you too. Bye, honey.

- Love you.

[both laughing]

- Call you later.

I'm watching you.

- So did you feel,
like, all the stress

'cause you're
having everybody over,

you got to get
the house together.

- Well...
- It's kind of

an incentive, though, right?

- Literally, like,
when I tell you, like,

the house is like
completely torn apart

'cause I'm painting
the entire interior.

I'm just kind of, like,
refreshing everything.

I changed all the
colors on the wall--

- That's kind of
what I'm doing too.

- Yeah.
- We've been there for, like,



It's just time change it up.
- It's--that same.


- Uh-huh.

- Let's change it.

- Yeah.
- I don't ever do a budget.

- You never do it
and you have to sometimes.

There's other things
I don't spend--

- Sure.
- I don't spend--

I don't spend a lot of money
on, like, expensive purses.

- On bags, you don't?
- No.

- Really?

Huh.

If I see a great pair of shoes,
my eyes instantly go to the bag,

and if the bag's janky,
then I like...

- I have to say--
- Think the shoes are not great.

- Oh, my--my bags are janky.

- Did you see me, like, checking
out your bag right now?

- Oh, no, don't, don't.

When I pulled it
out of my closet,

I said, "This is
a bad-looking purse,"

and I brought it anyway--
[laughs]

- I don't like your bag.
- [laughs] I'm not surprised.

That's how little
I care about bags.

I knew it sucked
and I still wore it.

- You have to have a nice bag.
Look at you, you're gorgeous.

- Well, thank you.
- Have a nice bag.

- The bag does not make me.
- I don't know.

I'm superficial like that.
I--I have to have...

- You really are.
- Really nice leather.

I'm gonna have to make
a phone call to her husband

and say, "Listen, your wife

"is gonna go drop
ten grand on some bags.

Hopefully I can get
her three for that."

- Now I'm gonna
feel bag pressure,

every time I see you.

- Maybe just two.

- So great to talk
to you a little bit more.

- You too.

- I'm gonna walk out with,
like, my bag in front.

- Coming up...

- We got to paint that body.

head to toe, toe to head.

- Get in my vag*na.

- Hi!

Oops. Watch out.
- Good morning.

- Good to see you.

All right, can we jump on?

I rent this bus
for when I do shows.

- I call top bunk.
- I want top bunk too.

I don't have my own tour bus
because most of the time

it's not feasible
to have a tour bus.

I just fly...

on my plane.

We're ready to hit it.

- Well, why don't
we initiate this road trip

with some Dom.

- I brought some
Dom from home.

- Pop some bottles, right?

- Yes!
- Thank you all for being here.

[all yelling]

This is like
my creative little family.

These are people
that I love very much.

They're outspoken,
they're fun, they love life,

and I'm in charge
of these people.

[chuckles]
God help us all.

Hey, babe. What's happening?

Tom's not gonna be
at this show in San Diego.

He gets out, I would say, like,
once a month,

but he's certainly not able
to come to all the shows.

He's a busy man.

What time are you gonna
jump on the plane for Vegas?

When Tom comes to the shows,

he's dancing, he's clapping,

he's enjoying it,
he's taking it all in.

[chuckles] I love you.
Bye-bye.

The boss was calling.

♪ ♪

- How are you?

You look great.

- Oh, good,
somebody else is here.

Hello.

- Oh, I thought, "How much
luggage have you all got?"

- It's stupid.
Don't even look at it.

- She, she really packed.
- I could stay for a week.

It's stupid.

When I know what to expect,

I'm a good packer.

When I don't know
what to expect,

I'm a bad packer.

It's that simple.

- Hello!
- Hello, Eileen.

- Oh, look at you.
- Look at you.

Whoo!

You look gorgeoni.
- That is amazing.

- Look at--your a*s
looks good in those too!

- Oh, why thank you.
Don't sound so fricking shocked.

- I'm not shocked!

- I work out six days
a week for that a*s, baby.

[chuckles]

Some days longer than others.

- Okay, let's load in.
- What about Erika?

- Oh, she's already down there.

- Kathryn, where are
we going to see Erika tonight?

What's the club like?
- It's a big place.

It's a big place.
- It's a g*y club, I think.

- Yeah, it is.
It's like a raging.

Like it's, like, rager.
- A rager?

- If you go on Google,
which I do quite often now,

it says Friday night
is pervert night.

- You know what
that tells me then?

- What does that mean?
- That we're gonna

be thoroughly entertained.

- I'm a pervert.
[laughs]

♪ ♪

- We're here!

- Home.
- Right where we should be.

Open our balcony.
- That's the best part

about this room.

- San Diego, I've arrived.

- The queen of everything
has arrived!

♪ ♪

- It's party time.

- Okay, is this cold enough?

- I don't want to drink.
Are you kidding me?

I'll be asleep
by the time I get there.

- Look at the light
on these shoes right now.

That is some good sparkle.

- I like my shoes.
- Yours are semi-cute.

- I like the shoes.

- I like your shoes.
- [laughs]

- I do!
- Okay, listen.

I don't hate--

Listen, I don't hate
your shoes.

I don't love your shoes.
- Okay.

- I like them.
- The bag that she bought in--

- Oh, fááá you, Kathryn.

[both laughing]

- I've had this one five years.
- But it's classic Chanel.

- Okay, so how much?
You're educating me.

- At least $3,000.
- $4,000?

- Ay--
- Oh!

- My husband bought it for me
as a gift.

- $4,000 for a purse?
- Yeah.

- A little less.
- Fááá all you

superficial b*tches.

- No, that's what she said--

[all laughing]

[all talking at once]

- Fight, fight, fight!
- Don't pull her hair!

Do something!

Fight!

♪ ♪

- You ready, girl?
Let's get it painted!

Take it off.
[imitating suspense music]

- The human body;
it's a work of art for me.

It's a tool.

- We got to paint that body

head to toe, toe to head.

- Get in my vag*na.

I do work hard to stay fit.

Of course I look fáááing good.

- Glam, slam, thank you, ma'am.

Think we could start your face.

- Yeah, let's do it.

- I just had
a pimple right there too.

What is it?
- It's--

- It's called stress.
- I think it was--

- Called PMS.
- Ugh, God.

- We went to cryotherapy
with Yolanda.

- What's cryotherapy?

- Freezing your
a*s off in a box.

- Oh, Yolanda invited us
to cryotherapy.

- But was it cold, though?
- Yes. Oh, yeah.

- And so it drops your
body temperature really low?

- And your naked.

- How was Yolanda?
Was she feeling good?

- Well, yeah, she was

and I want to talk to you
about that.

- She wasn't very happy with us.
- She wasn't happy.

- She went kind of--
- On you?

- Both of us.
- On--yeah, well me, mainly.

I mean, I don't know
what you said to her

and I'd like to know.

- I didn't say anything to her.

- You said something
that propelled her

to show up with the
children's medical records.

- I'm absolutely shocked.

I had no part in any of that.

Not one iota.

She asked me about it,
and I said,

"Listen, I was sitting
next to them,

and I did not hear
the conversation."

I didn't say
anything else, guys.

Yolanda said this 'cause
she's really pissed off

and found what
Munchausen's meant.

That was, "Okay, fááá you."

I'm gonna do this.

[imitates stabbing]

'Cause I went over there
to be honest about what I said.

I was certainly not there

to talk about you
or you or the children.

- Well, that's
what I was hoping.

I was thinking if you
went there to own your sháá...

- Lisa.
- And then suddenly,

she's saying to me,
"Here's my kids--"

- Here's the thing.
- You know--

- People talk, a lot of people
chitter-chatter chitter-chatter.

- Wait, can I say one thing? You
said that at the end of the--

the meeting you
had with her, she said,

"If somebody goes after my kids,
that's where..."

- Well, exactly.
- "I draw the line,"

and that's why
she started tearing up.

That was your only mention
to me about the kids

and it came from her mouth
like she already knew something.

- She already knew something.
- Okay.

- Somebody's talking to her
about the kids and it wasn't me.

I am not gonna go there
and talk about you ever...

- Darling, darling...
- If I don't even know anything.

- I've seen her--listen,
I would not go and say,

"Oh, Lisa's talking about
Munchausen's at my house.

That's your sháá..."
- And I went...

- And I would not do that.
- Did it?

- You know I would not.

Well, if Lisa Rinna
didn't say it,

then maybe somebody else
is stirring it up.

I would like to stop talking
about the Lyme disease.

Stop talking about Yolanda.
- Well--

- Let's just finish it
and forget it now.

- I would love to, so--
- Should we just drop it?

- Yeah.

♪ ♪

[line trilling]

- Hello.
- Hi, sweetie. How are you?

- Hi, baby. How's it going?
- It's going good.

I'm in the makeup chair
getting beautiful,

getting ready
for this performance.

I wish you were here, but I know
you're not feeling well.

- No, I wish I could be there,

but unfortunately,
I'm not ready yet.

- Nope.
- Six months from now,

I'll be dancing.

- I can't wait.
Well, listen.

You are sorely missed and...
- Aww.

- I'm thinking about you, okay?
- You are so sweet.

- Thanks, Yolanda. Bye-bye.
- Bye.

- You guys, we're here!
all: Whoo-hoo!

- We do have your room ready
for you up on the ninth level.

- All right.
- Good-bye!

- Bye, girls.

♪ ♪

- [gasps] Hello!
- Hello, sexy!

- Hi, gorgeous.
Oh, you look hot, babe.

- So do you.

- Hi.
- Come in.

- This is nice.
- Thanks, it is. I like it.

- I like your jumpy.
- Thank you.

- You look pretty.
- Oh, thank you.

- Oh, yeah, it goes way up.
[laughs]

- So how are you?
How are you feeling after...

- Okay, that's why
I wanted to talk to you.

I think I finally
figured it out.

I feel like I put
the pieces together.

Somebody has told Yolanda
that Lisa Vanderpump

is somehow saying that her kids
don't have Lyme disease.

- Okay.

- Who is it?

- It's not me.
- I know it's not you.

- It's not Kathryn.

- It's not Kathryn
'cause she doesn't know--

it's not Lisa Vanderpump.

Hmm.

Oh geez, well,
then I guess it's Erika.

- That's interesting.

- If I didn't do it
and somebody says I did it,

Ooh! Ooh!

That is like major
injustice to me.

Major! I hate that!

I don't like it

and I'm gonna get
to the bottom of it tonight.

- Coming up...

- Oh, my Lord. Oh, wow!

- Look at this.
- Okay, we're going!

- Ready?
- Yeah, let's hit it.

♪ ♪

- It's packed out there,
you guys.

- Yeah!
- The club is bumping.

- You can't get swept up
in the audience too much.

Someone has to own the space.

It's either gonna be you
or the audience.

Ow, pinchy.
- Sorry.

- So you have to be calm

and then the energy takes over
when we step on stage.

Boobs still looking right, yeah?

- Boobs are the rightest.

♪ ♪

- Hi, girls!

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Lisa, you know Lorene.
This is my best friend

since I'm seven years old.

- Nice to meet you, Lorene.
You know what?

That was my sister's name.
- It was?

- Oh, how are you?
- Hi.

- Nice to meet you.

- How are you? How are you?
- I'm dragging her with me

'cause she lives here.

Down the street. Let's go.

- Good.
- Let's get in the car.

- Got to go.
- Oh! [chuckles]

- This is gonna be fun.

- After seeing
Erika Jayne's videos...

- Who is it?
both: Oh, my God!

- ♪ You made me believe
I was so far away ♪

- I'm really expecting a lot.

Don't disappoint me.

- Are we ready
for the show tonight?

all: No!

- [laughs]

I don't really know
what to expect.

Am I gonna take all my clothes
off and dry hump the bar?

I don't know, but I'm doing it
for Erika Jayne.

- Oh, my God,
I forgot an earplug.

- I really need one.
- Well, what will happen?

- Will you lose--
- Why do you need one?

- I have one good ear
for the rest of my life

and if I actually lose
the hearing in the one good ear.

- Do you need an earplug?
- I need an earplug.

I lost my hearing when
I was going through my divorce.

My husband calls it
selective hearing,

but I--I use it now and I just--

quite often tell people,
"I don't hear you."

- The other ear has
no hearing 100% gone.

- That--yeah.
I'm going to the--

to the doctor on Friday,
by the way...

So you should not
make fun of disabled people.

I pick and choose the things
I want to hear now

and I have an excuse.

- Wouldn't you have a sticker?
- A sticker?

- So you can park
anywhere, or not?

- You know what?
I tried to get one...

- No, not for...
- And they turned me down.

- For hearing?
- Why would you get a sticker?

- Her legs are fine!
- For parking.

- To hear.
- I--no.

Because I can't hear
when ambulances are coming.

- What does that have
to do with parking?

- Whatever.
Don't judge.

- I don't judge,
I just report,

and sometimes
I don't report information,

but people say that I'm
reporting information

and I'm not.

Right now,
our heads are going like this,

and we're caught in, like,
a washing machine

of Lyme and blah and who's sick
and what and this.

I mean, it's like crazy making.

And yeah, I'm being
the scapegoat a bit,

but I tell you what,

the truth always prevails

and everyone's
gonna look back and go,

"Wow, didn't see
that one coming."

I'm gonna fix that tonight.

We're gonna find out
who told Yolanda...

- You're a monster.

- That supposedly,
you are talking

about her kids not having Lyme.

Let's find out who said that.
- Why don't we leave it alone?

- I don't want you guys
to be mad at me

because I didn't have
anything to do with it.

- Aren't you thinking it
might--maybe it's Erika?

Isn't that the whole point?

♪ ♪

- Hey, welcome to Rich's.
- Hi!

- Hello.
- Just hanging out.

- Oh, my Lord. Oh, wow!

- Look at it.
- Let's go!

- Oh, hi, guys!
- Hi, guys!

- I see nothing,
but these round, perfect butts.

I mean, like flawless.

- This one's especially for you.

- All righty, thank you.

- Look at this.
- Okay, we're going.

[laughs]

- Oh. [screams]

It's fine, it's a g*y club.

My husband doesn't care.

♪ ♪

- Whoo!
- Whoo!

♪ ♪

- We're here on
a creative journey

and we're about to express
ourselves onstage.

I want you to turn up the sex.
Turn up the heat.

- I want the show to be good
for these girls.

I want to entertain.
I want them to like it.

I want them to have a good time.
I want it to come off smooth.

- I'm so excited to see Erika.

Oh, I can't wait to see you!

I'm so excited!

What are you gonna wear?

- Here we go. One, two, three.

all: Pretty Mess!

- I'm gonna release
my inner Erika Jayne.

- Please welcome
to the stage...

all: Whoo!
- With eight number-one hits,

the one, the only,
Erika Jayne!

[cheers and applause]

- Messiness, San Diego!

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

♪ I'm a princess ♪

♪ I'm a temptress ♪

- Wow.
- ♪ I'm your mistress ♪

♪ I'm a princess ♪

♪ I'm a temptress ♪

♪ I'm a pretty mess ♪

♪ I'm your mistress ♪

[classical music]

- Hmm.

- ♪ I'm a-- ♪

- I was prudish
about the whole thing,

but I walked
into pervert night,

I saw Erika Jayne perform live,
it's fabulous.

I can see why
the gays love her.

Right?

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

- Coming up...

- I don't like the necklace,
though,

I'm gonna tell you straight.

- What's it say?
- It says áááá.

- Oh!

- All right, matinee.

I got one more song
before I go...

[cheers]

But first say, "Hello,"
to my new friends

over there in the corner.

Hi, girls!
- We love you.

- Welcome them to our show.

They've never seen me
quite like this,

so I don't think
they know what to think.

Who wants to get crazy?

[cheers and applause]

♪ Pain-k*ller ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Pain-k*ller ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Like a pain-k*ller ♪

- I think Erika Jayne

is a fantastic performer.

You know, she could be Britney.

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

- Thank you so much, you guys!

Matinee, you've always
been good to me.

My name is Erika Jayne.
Take care.

Be good to one another.

- I had a really high
expectations after the videos.

Erika Jayne did not disappoint.

[all screaming]

- You were amazing!
- I--

- I am so happy they
are coming out of their

conservative little skin.

All right you guys,
you ready?

- Yeah!

- We're not in Beverly Hills.

It's not all of this, you know--

we're having a good time.

This is great.

I have my girls with me!

[cheers and applause]
[laughs]

- Hey, you guys.
[all screaming]

[cheers and applause]

- Oh, my God.

- Hey!

- Whoo!
- Yeah!

- I mean, this is like
a rock star moment.

I love rock star moments.

Hello, boys!

I am a rock star in my mind.

- Is everybody on board?

Boys, everybody?

All right, let's go home.

- I was like abnormally
excited tonight watching you.

- I'm glad that
you had a good time.

- You're so good at it.
- I loved it.

I freaking love it.
- You really are so good.

- I don't like the necklace,
though,

I'm gonna tell you straight.

- I know you don't,
but I'm wearing it.

- It's terrible.
- It's not terrible.

- But by the way--
- Why? What's it say?

- It says áááá!
- Oh.

- That word really bothers me.
- Oh, exactly!

- I'm not gonna lie.
- Oh, my God.

I thought it said candy.

- No, it says áááá.
- She said, "Candy."

- It doesn't mean
what you think it means.

- Why? What does it mean to you?
- This means sassy.

It means sexy, it means fun.
- All right.

- And you can't
get offended by it...

- I'm not offended...
- Because that's not...

- I have to say...

- That's not the context.
- I do get offended.

- Guys, oh, my God.
A word is just a word.

- Thank you!

It's all in context
and in place.

- Come on, girls. Let it go.

Stop being so áááá.

- Where did I just perform?

- In a g*y club.
- In a g*y club

with a bunch of gays
losing their minds.

And you know what?
áááá is appropriate there.

So you know what?
You're in my world.

- No--it's not necessarily.
- Welcome to my--

but you know what,
I'm not at PUMP,

and I'm not in Beverly Hills.

I'm on my turf.

- Are we here?
- Yeah, we're here.

- Can you wait?
Let me fix my makeup.

♪ ♪

- Ooh, is that
some dry ice, right now?

- Oh, wow!
How cool is this?

- Thank you all for coming.
- Wow, good.

- Let's go sit down. Yeah.
Yeah.

- Like the sophisticated ladies
we are.

- Lisa Rinna's obviously

still pissed off about
the whole situation.

Obviously, Erika is the one...
- I get that...

- Who told you on that
- But so we got there,

and we end up in a fight.

- So what? It's not my problem.

I didn't do anything.
I don't care.

I did nothing.

Hold on--
- Oh, for God's sake.

- Erika, I need to just,
like, ask you something.

I guess, yesterday Yolanda went
to lunch with Kyle and Lisa

and she basically handed them
the kids' medical record...

- Okay.
- And she said that I had said

that the kids do not have Lyme.

She blamed me and it did never--

it never came from me
and I never--

- Hey.
- Well, this is very grown-up.

- Hi, guys.
- Hello.

- Sit your a*s down.
- Why did the naked men leave?

- I can have them up here
in two seconds.

I just didn't know
if you wanted them or not.

- We're all together,
it's a good opportunity

for us to clear the air.

I know, Erika, you weren't
a part of the ride up,

but it was about Yolanda
and all the BS concerning...

what was said
and what wasn't said,

and she told me earlier that she
really wants to get down to it

and figure who did
tell Yolanda that...

- That--that...
- There was a question.

- There was a question
with the kids because Yolanda

went to the girls yesterday
and blamed it on me

saying that it was
and it was not me.

- Okay.
- So let's find out who said

to Yolanda that her kids
somehow don't have it.

- Who the hell told Yolanda
that somebody said

that about her kids
not having it?

Who said it?
- My--

- Yeah.
- Who--how did it

get back to Yolanda?

- Yeah, who told Yolanda?
- So that's it.

- Because you're being
blamed for that.

- Somebody said something.
- I am.

- I didn't say it.

- If it wasn't Lisa Rinna,
and it wasn't Kathryn,

it wasn't me, how did Yolanda
understand that it was Rinna?

- That I don't know.

I am the person that told.


I told Yolanda what
was said at the barbeque,

but I don't want to talk
about this right now.

I had an amazing show.

My head space is not
with who said what

about Yolanda
and her children.

Why don't we just
support her and move on?

- Because somebody said
something that upset her.

- But who cares?
- Well, she does.

- Who gives a sháá?
- She does.

- Do you know how much
sháá is said about me

that I don't give
a fááá about, okay?

- Why are you yelling?

Why are you being so loud?

What's getting you
all riled up?

Doth protest too much.

She brought it up to me!

- I need another one of these--
- So let it go.

- Let it go.
- I'm not letting it go

because you know what?

It's not my job
and it's not my dog.

- Then don't own it.
- I said I want

to stay out of it.

- Then stop owning it,
Lisa Rinna.

Who cares?

- Coming up...

- Stop it!

[clattering]

- Can't take this áááá anywhere.

- Then don't own it!
- I said I want

to stay out of it.

- Then stop owning it,
Lisa Rinna.

Who cares?
- I'm fáááing done with it.

- Thank you.
- Then leave it alone.

- Okay.

Erika's a p*ssy.

There isn't anybody
who could've said it.

So Erika Jayne, own your sháá.

- Can we have another drink?
Okay, let's not talk about it.

I'm friends with Yolanda.

It'll all go whatever way
it's supposed to.

- I'm wondering why Erika
doesn't want to talk about it.

- Let's have another c*ck.

- Not that any of us really
want to talk about it,

but I think we want to get
to the bottom of it.

Seems strange to me that
she's trying to shut it down.

- Are you guys okay?
I know the whole thing is ugly.

- I know. I want you guys to be
okay, but guess what?

It's not my job to make it okay.

- Even if you said something,
which I don't think you did--



and if you said one thing.

- That little 1%--
- No, but it doesn't matter.

You know what?
- You know, iffy, it's fine.

- It doesn't matter.
- I can't control

another human being.

I can only control myself.
It's ridiculous.

End of story. I'm done.

- I'm with you.
- I'm done.

All right, let's go.

I feel like Erika

has sat and lied to all of us.

- Bye.

- Hey, thanks for being
so supportive.

I really appreciate it.

- And so now I'm like,

"Now what?"

Oh, God.

Much to do about nothing.

- You sháá stirrer, you.
- Much to do about nothing.

That's what I have to say.
áááá, I'm done.

- You're amazing!
- Thank you. Thank you.

- That's bullsháá!
I don't understand it.

I'm not happy about it and--

- People need to tell the truth.

- Do you think I'm lying?
- No.

- No, somebody's not
telling the truth--

- Who do you think
is not telling the truth?

- I don't know.
I don't care anymore.

- It's like having sex
without an orgasm.

Nothing happened.

- [sighs]
- Anyway, let's go to bed.

- Okay, let's go--
- I'm trying--oh.

- Anybody want
any mustard and ketchup?

- Oh, Jesus Christ.

Where's my floor?
What floor am I on?

Oh, I know where
my room is.

I'm up.

- This is your room.
- What is your room?

- Yeah?
- Like, Ms. Rinna.

- It is?
- I'm just gonna--

- No, stop it!
Oh.

[clattering]

- Oh, sháá.

- Oh.

- All right, good night.

- Good night.

- [chuckles]

You can't take
those áááá anywhere.

- Next time on

"The Real Housewives
of Beverly Hills"...

- It's manic, it's depressive.

I get really
freaking, like, mad.

- She's a fáááing lunatic.

She comes at you
like a rabid dog.

- It's really hard to see
both of you go through this.

- How did they
go so wrong?

- Hello.

- I'm so angry.
- Don't get mad.

Here, take mine, b*tch.
[both laughing]

- Sorry sometimes doesn't work.
- It didn't come from me.

Somebody came to me--
- I don't care.

If you have some ba*ls,
tell me you said it.

- I'm not gonna who said it.
- Say it.

- And I should
never have said it.

- áááá you, they're
saying sháá about her!

- Shh. Shh. Shh.
- Say who told you.

- To learn more
about the housewives,