06x24 - Secrets Revealed

[bunniefuu]

[lively music]

♪ ♪

- Tonight,
"Housewife" secrets revealed.

- I didn't exactly know
what I was saying.

It just kind of
flew out of my mouth.

- How many times
have you used that excuse?

- From behind
they have a moment.

- Get it.
Get, get, get, get it.

- Plus, all new footage
from "Beverly Hills."

- Ah, fááá!
- Oh, what?

Horns...
- What have you done to me?

- Your energy balance is off.

- When you hold something,

it creates
a strength or a weakness.

Why? I don't know.

- $100, $100, $100, $100, $90--
- $100?

- Is Dad going
to get mad at me?

- Well, I haven't told Dad yet.
It was five digits.

- Oh, my God.
- My husband's not here.

[both laughing]

- You could beat the sháá
out of me.

- I'd snap you over my knee
in two seconds.

- I think you would.

[upbeat music]

- My lips were made
for talking,

and that's just
what they'll do.

- In Beverly Hills,
you can be anything,

but it's most important
to be yourself.

- I'm an enigma
wrapped in a riddle and cash.

- I may be an actress,

but that doesn't mean
I'll stick to your script.

- Fake friends
believe in rumors.

Real friends believe in you.

- Don't hate the game.

Just marry a player.

- I'm passionate about dogs,
just not crazy about b*tches.

♪ ♪

- Three...
two...

Kyle, uh, Janie
from St. Louis said,

"Lisa Vanderpump's closet
is the b*mb.

Why didn't you ask for her
advice on your remodel?"

- So there, all along there,
is going to be...

- Closet?
- All closet and cabinet.

And then over here,
there's gonna be

more shelves
and more shelves.

- What are you gonna do with
all my sports memorabilia?

- I don't really know.
Do you really want that stuff?

Um, I don't know.

- You actually did talk to me
about it, yeah.

- Oh, yeah, I think I did.

And actually, Faye, who did it,

she said
"Lisa has a beautiful closet."

And we talked about having
the clothes open to see them

or keeping them shut
because her closet--but yeah.

- Is your closet done?
- It is done.

It--yeah, we call it a closet,
it was really a--

I call it a dressing room

because there's
a pull-out sofa in there.

I feel less guilty
about taking over--

- There's a pull-out sofa
in your closet?

- Yes, I feel less guilty

if there's a pull-out sofa.
- What?

- My husband goes,
"You took a whole bedroom

of the house
to make your closet."

I said, "That's a dressing room;
people can sleep in there."

- [laughing]
- That's hilarious.

- Terry from
Newark, New Jersey, said,

"Erika, your chapel is amazing,

but does either Erika
really use it?"

- Yeah, I do.

Okay, so here you go.
[bell tolls]

- Wow.
- This is my chapel.

- Whoa.
- Pretty, huh?

- Holy moly.
Unbelievable.

- Neat, right?
- Gorgeous.

- I go in there when I need
to reflect or be quiet.

- Did you go this morning?

- No, I did not.
Didn't have time.

But I said my prayers
in my bed last night.

- Eileen, I got to
tell you something:

Vince cracks me up.

- He cracks me up too.

- Yeah, his reaction--

- Priceless.
- It's really funny.

- Isn't it?
- Yeah.

- Oh, my ax!
- Honey.

- I-I've been looking for this
for like six--

I--thank God, it's a doorway--
- What are you doing?

- If we have an earthquake--
that's what--we got to keep it--

- Hey, wait, stop.
- Let me put it over here.

I had no idea
it was hidden there.

- First of all,
that's where you put it.

- I finished my homework!
- Yeah!

- Those are clean,
those are clean.

- What is wrong with you?
Why are you acting so weird?

"Yeah!"

- Do you want my opinion?
- No.

He's so cute.
- Yeah.

Lisa Vanderpump, Virginia
from Monterey, California, said,

"I've heard swans
can be super vicious.

Is this the Beverly Hills
version of an attack dog?"

- Well, no, I've--[laughs]
Yeah, I've hand-reared them

so, you know,
I've kind of--

- You've hand-reared them.

- Yeah, I mean, they're right
outside my front door.

- Right.

- So I kind of pick them up
all the time.

Okay, Hanky, it's all right.
Don't worry.

We're going to
make you better, aren't we?

- Oh, he bit me.
- He didn't.

- He did.
- That's a good boy, Hanky.

Good boy.
[swan honks]

Good boy, Hanky.
[swan honks]

That's a good boy.
That's a good boy.

[swan honks]
Good boy, Hanky.

- No, don't bite.
- [laughs]

- But I have another six
that aren't so friendly.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah, they're--

- They have tried to go
after me a couple times.

- Well, I told them to do that.
- I know.

- Do you get them from when
they hatch, or, right--

- Well, I was given, you know,
them when they were very young.

- Mohamed gave them
to you, right?

- Mohamed gave them to me, yeah.
- She gave birth to them.

- Mohamed gave them to her.
- Yeah, kind of, yeah.

- Kyle, are you afraid
of Vanderpump's swans?

- Yes, because they do
come after me.

I mean, they're really pretty,

but they have, like--
[growls] Come after me.

- No, swans attack.

- So I just run really fast
under that little bridge.

- Well, I show them your
picture, you know, I just--

- I do too.

- Yeah, I did see a wanted
poster by their little pond.

- Lisa's swans got some more
company when two mini horses

joined the family menagerie,

but it took
some getting used to.

- Rumpy, Rumpy.

I would like them to give Rumpy
a kick in the a*s,

'cause he terrorizes them.

- Come on.

- Look at her galloping
down the steps.

So cute.
She's going to kick him.

They're not used to
each other yet.

No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no.
Rumpy! Rumpy!

Rumpy.
- [laughing]

- Oh, he's going
to do a quick--

get him now,
while he's doing it.

Stop him.
Get him.

Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey.

No, no, no,

Rumpy!

Rumpy, he's finally got
a big dog to play with.

With seven turtles

and eight swans
and two horses and seven dogs

and my husband,
I would say

Villa Rosa is
a bit of a zoo.

Should we bathe
the ponies, then?

- Yeah, let's do it.

- Pandora better hurry up and,
you know, procreate and deliver,

because it's getting
a bit crowded in the zoo.

- You like that.
- Oh, she likes it.

- You're so sexy.

I knew that if I bought one
for your birthday,

you couldn't say no,
but I really bought one for me.

- [laughs] You don't think
I knew that?

- We really missed having
horses in our life,

and I know that even if he
thinks it's crazy right now,

he's going to love this
as much as I do.

And if he doesn't,
we'll probably get a divorce.

- Let's take them out
onto the front lawn.

- Okay.

- Lisa would never divorce me
because I am her best friend,

and I don't think
Lisa would ever give up this.

- Can I train you to bite him,
or kick him in the a*s?

- Come on.
Come on, baby.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Which horse is that, Portia?
- Hmm.

- Okey-dokey,
mamacita.

[laughs]

They're your friends.
- It smells.

- Hi there, hi, hi, hi.
- Hello.

- Hey, Pam.
- Good, nice to see you.

- Hi, Portia.
- Hi.

- We ready to ride?
- Yes.

- Okay, Portia,
let's brush Bubbles up.

both: Portia, want
to ride Bubbles?

- [gasps]
- [laughs]

- Yeah, she loves Bubbles.

Portia started taking
horseback riding lessons

this summer.

- Aw, cute Bubbles.

- It's not only taking
horseback riding lessons,

but she has to
take care of the horses--

everything from cleaning
their horseshoes

to grooming them
and feeding them,

so I think
it's good for her.

- You look so interesting.

You need to put all
your hair in front.

Don't do that.
I'll itch it for you.

- [laughs]
- Just put it through that hole.

Simple as pie.

- The challenges of raising
a seven-year-old who has

three older siblings is that

Portia is so smart.

The tricks that worked
with my first few kids

don't work with her.

I feel like this is
loose on you today.

- No, Mommy, it's good.
It's good.

- No, honey, it has to
be able to stay secure.

[kisses]
- Mom, why's it--why'd you

put this thing up?

- Excuse me?
[laughs]

Portia has told me that she
wants to do a lot of things.

She's into horseback riding.
She wants to play the piano.

She still wants
to be an actress.

- Do you do other accents?

- Let's see your British accent.
- Okay.

[British accent] Hello, darling.
- [laughs]

- All right, Portia.
- Yes.

- Let's start walking.

- So I figure
I will just expose Portia

to as many things
that I can,

and, you know,
hopefully she'll find

her passions and she'll find
her way in life.

- Look where you're going.
Squeezing.

Now, you want to keep those
hands down when you go up

so that you're not accidentally
pulling on his mouth.

- You have to take control,
Portia.

- You want to look
where you're going.

Where you're looking is where
your pony's going to go.

- I do not think that Portia

is going to be
a professional jockey,

but I still don't want her
to be an actress.

I want her to be
whatever makes her happy

but that also makes me happy
too. [laughs]

- Beautiful.

[energetic music]

♪ ♪

- I've been busy working,
so, um--

- Oh, my God.
Great.

That's great.
- Yeah.

- I get to live out
people's fantasies.

Erika Jayne is an over-the-top
fantasy character,

and I think that
the new video's very sexy.

♪ How many fááás
do I give? ♪

♪ How many fááás do I give? ♪

♪ None, not one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, zero,
done ♪

It's always cool

to express
your inner bad girl

or express your innermost
wild, party self.

- Have your crowds gotten more
intense since the show?

- Whoo.
- Yes.

That's amazing.
- Boom, right?

- Isn't that fun?

- That's amazing.
You did a great job.

- Thank you.

- Great job.
- We're excited about it.

- Fun, right?

- So how many fááás
do you give?

- Zero, zero, zero, none.

- Perfect.

- Boys, you hop up
on the stage.

Erika, let's change
your shoes.

- Sounds good.
- All right, you guys.

You know what to do?

- My first performance,
I was three years old.

I asked my mother
to introduce me.

I came out, and I jumped up
on the coffee table,

and I began to put on a show.

- We're going to block
the show right now.

- I'm so excited.
- Okay.

- Big dicks,
big muscles.

Pump it up.
Here we go.

♪ ♪

- I'm fortunate
that I have

one of my best friends
in the world, Mikey Minden,

who's also
my creative director.

He and I work very closely
on every aspect.

- One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.

Can you look on one?

You looked on eight.
- [scoffs] Yes.

- Boom, boom, boom,
and the light!

- Lights, not...
[dejectedly] lights.

- One more time.

- I'm good, but I can always
be better.

You have to go to voice.
You have to go to dance.

You have to go to rehearsal,

You have to constantly
be creating.

- Why is there three
on one side

and one on the other?

Someone's wrong.

Let's do that one more time.

- No one pops out of the womb
a superstar.

Everybody's had to work on it,
and everybody's grown.

- Diva of the night,
and one, two, three, four,

five, six, seven,
and up to the sky.

And a five, six,
chorus, we're in a V.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Davis walks past Erika.

They have a moment.

Kevin walks past
from behind.

They have a moment.
Get it.

Get, get, get, get it.

Pat the puss,

pat the puss,
pat the puss.

Drop it down and bounce
on the d*ck, and bounce,

and turn it to the back
and booty.

Check out my a*s.

- You can't half-a*s
do this job.

You have to give yourself over
to the work,

and that's really what
it's about, is the work.

It's a--it's a profession.

It's a dedication.

- We're going to go
from the beginning.

And don't fááá up.

- ♪ Like a painkiller ♪

- Take off your shirts!

Shirts off!

- All right, now today--
- Mic up!

- Give it up for my hot,
sexy boys tonight.

Make some noise!
[all cheering]

- Coming up...

- I know you can't talk,
but you could nod your head.

Nurse Lisa is a saint

who would do anything
for her child.

Are you done with me?

[lively music]

♪ ♪

- Yolanda, Sue from Florence,
South Carolina,

wants to know
why you need cryotherapy.

- I don't want to do this.
Oh, my God.

- I want my brain
in the freezing.

- Freezing.
I don't like this.

- It's not so bad.
[both shouting]

- I was introduced
to cryotherapy

right after
my explant surgery.

Um, it has proven
to take down inflammation,

and it was amazing for me.

I did it for--is it boring?
- No, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.
[laughing]

- [laughs] I'm teasing.

- He's going--[snores]
- I tried to swallow that yawn.

No, I'm very sorry.
I am a yawner.

I really apologize
to all of you if I yawn.

- I am teasing you.

- I yawned when Erika
was talking too.

I apologize.

- My brain is coming back.
- That's nerves too.

- Okay, good.
[talking over each other]

- Wake up, Andrew.
- Nervous, are you nervous?

- From conventional treatments

to the slightly unorthodox,

Yolanda has tried it all.

- Do that...

- Good morning.
- Oh, hi, Yolanda.

- How are you?
- Good, how are you?

- Breathing. [laughs]
- Breathing.

You look a bit better too.
- Really?

- In the, uh--
in the face in general.

- Doctor K.
is a holistic doctor,

chiropractor,
and he's a healer.

I didn't know that
this is so heavy.

- All the crumbs?
- The weight of it.

- It is.

- He's probably one of
the most authentic

people that I met
in this whole journey.

All he's there for is--
is to help you and guide you,

and he is the guy
that told me

that I had plastic
in my liver...

- Oh.
- Yeah.

- So here's that
old silicone.

- Before my MRIs
even showed

that I had silicone
all over my chest.

- Raise your left hand up,
please.

That's--your
energy balance is off.

Meridian flow
is a little blocked.

There's some bone issue.
- Bone, okay.

- Bone.
- Should we test that?

We'll just start here.
- Okay.

- That's good.
- That's good, that's good.

- What's this?
- Artesunate.

both: Not right now.

- Doctor K. just
helps me prioritize

through muscle testing

what my body
is going through.

- That's good, too.
- Oh, wow, that's the healing.

But that's
a tiny dose of it.

- When you hold something to--
you know,

close to your body,
it creates a strength

or a weakness.

Why?
I don't know.

So finish the an--
- You need it, yes.

- Finish the antibiotics.
- Mm.

- Too much.
- Mm.

- Really?
That is really good.

That came all the way
from Hungary.

I am unstoppable

and extremely disciplined
when it comes to, you know,

taking my pills and my IVs

and sticking
to my treatments

in order to find a cure.

Well, I guess
we have enough work to do

for the next two weeks.

- Yes.

[playful music]

- Here you go.

You good?

Okay.
Can I make you ice water?

You need to drink
lots of liquids.

Gatorade?

Previously on

"Beverly Hills Hospital,"

our young, beautiful heroine,
Amelia Gray Hamlin,

bravely had
her tonsils removed.

I can put ice--
I'll put ice in it.

Miss Amelia:
she's now recuperating.

She's in pain,

but she's lucky

because she has Nurse Lisa
at her beck and call.

Even if she's screamed at

or looked at in a nasty way,

Nurse Lisa
will be there for her.

Okay.

You're done with this
for sure?

Just nod your head.

Are you done with this?

Or do you want me to put it
back in the freezer?

Yes, I'll put it
back in the freezer.

Thank you,
pumpkin.

Oh, God.

Nurse Lisa is a saint

who would do anything
for her child.

No nausea?

If I have to get one more
fáááing popsicle...

It's your--just your
fáááing tonsils, get over it!

"Why are you
asking me questions?"

'Cause I'm a mom.

Are you done with me?

I know you can't talk,
but you can nod your head.

Are you done with me?

Do you want to stay here?

I love you.
- [laughs]

- Drink.

A lot.

[energetic music]

- Okay.
- I'm scared. I'm always scared.

- Hello.
- Hi.

- How are you?
- Good, thank you.

- Don't be scared.
- Follow me.

Take a seat.
- Oh.

Darling, oh--
- Hello, beautiful people.

- Hey, hi.
How are you?

- Hey, sweetie.

Good to see you.
How are you doing?

- How are you?
- Thank you so much.

- I'm scared.
- Yes, you should be scared

because we talked
about this, and--

- What do you mean,
I should be scared? Really?

- Because you let these things
go by for a long, long time.

- I know, it's okay.

- And it's not okay.

- Well, I've got
the English attitude.

We go to the doctor's
every ten years

whether we need it or not.

That gets me in trouble.

- But if--from the look of it,
because you've had a few

histories of cancerous lesions
on your shoulders, especially,

we need to remove it--
we need to biopsy it,

and we need to remove it.

- But you don't think there's
anything wrong with it, do you?

- Well, I won't know
until we do it.

- I mean,
if I don't feel good,

I eat a bar of chocolate,

so I'm like the worst person
on the planet.

[whispering]
Do--do Botox for him.

Back me up.

- I--I might be able to talk
to him, but you bring it up.

- Ken is going to
get some Botox,

whether he wants it or not,

so I have to drag him there
under false pretenses.

Then I can stab him in the face
with some Botox

while he's sitting
in the chair.

Good plan.

- Why don't you
let him take a seat?

- Yeah.
Baby, sit here.

- Yes, I want to--
- I'm fine, dear.

- Oh, pink tea for Lisa.
- No, I want to see

if you have any
skin cancers or not.

- Oh, pink tea.
- You must love that.

- No, I'm fine.
- Sit down here, baby.

Let him just look at your face.
- No, I'm not sitting down.

What are you talking about?
- Baby, just sit down there.

- You're the patient.
- I'm going to come here.

- Sit down here,
I want to see your face.

- No, no, no,
no, no, no.

- Just sit down.
- No, no, no.

- Just have a look
at your face.

- I can see my face
in the mirror.

- See what I have to look--

- I can see his face
from right here.

- See what I
have to look at?

- Perfect.
- No, it's not.

- See, hang on,
let me just look.

- While I drink my pink tea.
- Yeah, really.

- Just tell me
what you're going to do.

- So sit here, I'll show you.
- Ken, you don't need anything.

- You--you are--
- I just want to see what he--

- I'm not--I'm just a--
- I'm with you, Ken.

- How can you say
he doesn't need it?

- Because he doesn't.
- First of all--

- He's perfect.
- Of course he does.

- If she wanted
a younger man,

wh--why doesn't she go
and get one?

I mean...

what's Botox
going to do for me?

- Yes.
- Just try it, have a look.

See? See, see what
I have to look at?

- No, he's a handsome man.

- Do you see?
- Oh, my God.

Who is that?
- Exactly.

- [laughs]
- Ken needs Botox.

I don't care what he says.

Half of Los Angeles
has got Botox in their face.

Nobody in this town
can raise their eyebrows,

and he needs
just a little bit,

because he's going to be
bloody 70.

If you don't need it now,
when's he going to need it?

- So it's just like
a little softer.

- Ah, fááá!
- Oh, what?

- Ah, he could--
he just had a--

didn't you have like
a major surgery?

- Yeah, I think he also had
major anesthesia.

- A hip replacement.

- [gasping]
- Oh!

- [laughs]
- That is gnarly.

- Ken, Ken.
- Huh?

- Oh, my God.
- Okay, Ken, Ken, we don't

want to see that.
- Lookit, you're a super hero.

- Ow, this is worse
than the hip replacement.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, stop it.

- Listen, I didn't have Botox
till I was


which was four years ago,

but that was because
it wasn't invented then.

If I had of seen it,
I would have had it,

are you kidding me?

- What are these bum--
bumps on my face?

- Oh, my God,
I've never seen that before.

- Oh, my God.
- What's happened?

- Hold on, call 911.
- Horns, Hornsby.

- Call 911 if you have to.
- What have you done to me?

- Coming up...

- She got sidetracked

by this little thing
called "supermodel."

- Called
"supermodel of the world."

- Yeah.

- Although
Yolanda's daughter Gigi

is now the Supermodel
of the Universe,

she was once interested
in a whole other career.

- There she is,
gorgeous.

- Gigi.
- [laughs] Hi.

- That's for you.
- Hi, how are you?

- Good, how are you?
- Nice to see you.

- Tom, Gigi--
- Hi, Gigi, how are you?

- Hi, I'm Tom, hi.
- Nice to meet you.

Sorry. I'm putting my hair up.
- No, you're great.

- It fell out
when I walked down the stairs.

- Come sit here, Gigi.
- No--

- You know the movie
"Erin Bockovich"?

- "Bockovich."

- Whatever, "Barackovich."
- Whatever, whatever.

- "Barackovich."
I love it, if that's--

- "Barackovich."
Yeah.

- Not Barack Obama.
- No, no, no, what is it?

- Brockovich.
- Barack Obama.

- Brockovich--
he was the lawyer

that fought for the people
and won $333 million

for the--for the--for
the people that were damaged.

- Which is fascinating,
because it, like--

as we said, Gigi,
that's the road she was

heading down,
and then she got sidetracked

by this little thing
called "supermodel."

- Called "supermodel
of the world."

- [laughs]
- I don't know about that.

- Isn't that cool?
- Yeah.

- You know, you got to pretend
like it's no big deal,

and blah, blah, blah,
I understand that.

But deep down inside,
it's just like,

"God, am I any good, or what?"
[laughing]

- It's amazing,
you know?

Gigi is just extraordinary,

but the beautiful face goes,

so you better
set yourself apart

with your heart.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, it's--it's fun.

- But, you know, I could see
Gigi go back--

she's that fascinated
with criminal law,

and--and psychology,
that I could see her--

- What would she do?
- In a couple of years,

go back to school, and--
and get a degree because--

- Well, I don't know,
actually,

if I would ever
want to practice.

Like, for me,
I realize the reason

that I wanted
to be in university

is because I was--
I love being in class,

and I love being part
of a conversation

and learning about it,
not necessarily that I want

to be a criminal psychologist,
I just liked it.

So I think there's, like,
other ways besides going,

you know, to college
for me to kind of

keep my brain going.
- Um, are you blasting off?

- I go to Australia, um,
tomorrow.

- That's a long airplane ride.
- Yeah, it's really far.

Only for four days,
it's going to be brutal.

- Such a long flight
for four days.

Gigi is just kicking a*s.

I mean, she's a force
to be reckoned with.

- When you get back someday,
we'll go down

to the courthouse together.

- Yes, please, I'd love that.

- I mean it.
- She would love that.

- No, no, we--we,
I promise you we'll do it.

- Cool.
- She'd love it.

Okay, I love you, baby.
- Love you.

[energetic music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, these are great.
- I don't like them.

- Oh, wait,
I need my glasses on again.

Look how gorgeous you are.
You're right in the middle, bam.

Come on, that's your first
modeling gig ever.

- I like this one.
- [gasps]

- And you can read
the whole article, see?

- "I was a little confused
when Mom and Dad said

"they wanted me to wait
to do this.

They wanted to protect me."

That's sweet.

I did, I mean, I think--
- I didn't know what to say.

- Well, you know,
I remember Yolanda saying

to her girls that,
you know,

you should wait till you were 17
to start modeling.

I can't believe I have
a 17-year-old child.

However, Delilah
is much more confident

and mature,
now that she's turned 17,

but yet, I pray much more

than I ever have
in my entire life.

Models work
their asses off.

I admire them.
I think it is a great job.

There's nothing but hard, hard,
hard, hard work.

I mean, you're not
digging ditches.

You're not curing cancer,
but there's--

you don't have to compare,
do you know what I mean?

- Yeah.
- You do what you love.

If you want to do it--
you're passionate about it--

- Yeah.
- Do it.

I believe that once
kids start working, they--

they really, really feel
good about themselves.

It's what gives you a passion
and a desire

that I think just
going to school doesn't.

I really like your philosophy:

"I'm just going to wait and see
what the world brings."

I like that.

I'm pretty sure I said that.
[both laugh]

It's quoted from me,
so I'm pretty sure I said it.

- How can you not know
you said that?

You're like me.

That's Delilah--funny.

She's more like me,
where Amelia is much more

like Harry, I would say.

Are you going to talk
to Dr. Bloore tomorrow?

- No.
- You have to do it.

- Gonna schedule it.
- Okay.

- I don't have braces,
so it's not that big of a deal.

- By the way, FYI,

I found out that you are not
wearing your retainer.

- I haven't worn my retainer
in a year.

I don't wear it.

- You already lost
one retainer.

Those retainers are $425.

And if I'm gonna
spend all that money

and get your teeth fixed,

wear your retainer.

Listen, a lot of money
was spent on those teeth.

- And they're nice now.

- And they are,
but they won't be.

- They will.
I have a built-in retainer.

- Oh, you do?

Let me see that.
Give me that.

Do you have a--
oh, and you have a bottom.

- Yeah.
I don't need it.

- To try to get teenagers

to do what you want them to do

is challenging.

I don't care who you are.

- It takes, like, a whole
family to do the homework.

- So here's
what I had to do.

I had to figure out
what each of these were.

- Oh.

- And they can't all--

- Wait, I want to know
if I can really do it.

Can we erase or no?
- Just do it.

- Yeah, erase.
It's--keep going.

- Erase--and that'll make me
feel better about myself.

- What if I can?

- Well, then I'll feel bad
about myself.

- Oh.

- They have got some
changed math.

It was not like this
when I was little.

Jane had a dollar.

Bobby borrowed 30¢.

Mike gave her 25¢.

Then Steve took a dime.

I mean, no, okay?

No.

You have no idea
what happened today.

- No, is Dad gonna
get mad at me?

- Is Dad mad?

- Well, I haven't told Dad yet.
- That bad?

- So I mean, I don't even know
how I'm gonna tell Dad.

- What is it?

- First, can we get
our money back?

- Well, I don't know
if we can get the money back.

That's the problem.
- [laughing]

- It's not even funny.

She downloaded an app.

- Okay.

- And, you know,
they go onto, like,

red carpets on this app
on the iPad.

And every time they go out,
they need to buy a dress

or shoes, and, you know,
different things,

and she was purchasing
with coins.

Each of those coins
was actual money

being charged
to our credit card.

- Like add-ons for the app?

- So we went to look
at the account.

$100, $100, $100,
$100, $90.

- $100!
- No, no, I'm not done--

- So each charge
is not, like--

- $80, $65, $55.
- No way.

- $100.
- No, no, no.

- 37 pages.

- Nuh-uh.
- No way.

- It was five digits.
- That's not even funny.

That's so bad.

- She's not even
crying her eyeballs out.

I don't know if Portia's ever
been actually punished,

to be honest,
because she's a really good kid.

We don't believe in spanking.

We've never spanked our kids.

We used to do time-outs

when they were, like, toddlers,

but now it's more about talking
about what they did wrong

and how they can learn
from that mistake.

She thought they were coins,
and--

Portia, I told you.
Listen to me--

- Plus, Dad is not gonna
be mad at you.

- It's not your fault.
- But Dad's gonna get mad at me.

- Dad's not gonna get mad,
Portia.

- Dad's never gotten mad
in his life.

- Portia,
Dad never gets mad.

- Your dad has never, ever,

even raised his voice
to your sisters.

- Never.

- My husband has never lost
his temper in his life.

He really is a teddy bear.

These girls can get away
with anything.

- I don't want you to--

- I don't want you
to tell Daddy.

- Well, I have to
tell your dad.

I need his help to figure out
how we fix this.

Portia just feels so bad

that she's beating herself
up about it.

- [sobs]
- Don't worry.

You know, once, I crashed
a golf cart when I was eight.

And that was really scary.

- [crying]
Dad's gonna k*ll me.

- He's not going to.

- Portia, he's not
gonna get mad!

- He's not scary.

- Portia, Dad's
never gotten mad, ever.

- When I was your age,
Sophia, I called a 900 number

to call a psychic

and charged a ridiculous
amount of money.

- You had to pay to call?

- I had to pay to call.
- The olden days.

- And it was, like--
the olden days, thank you.

- [laughing]

♪ ♪

- Coming up...
- This is really neat.

- Well, come back.
- I'd love to.

- And maybe I'll get you
a part too.

- Oh, my God, please.

Some crazy, you know, stripper
on a pole or something.

- [laughing]

♪ ♪

- What was it like
seeing Erika perform?

- It was a blast.
- Thank you.

- It was so fun.
- It was so much fun.

- And that's what it should be.

- It was fun
to be supporting you in that.

- So much fun.
- Seeing you in action,

'cause we'd heard about it
and seen it,

but we hadn't seen it
in person.

And you just owned the room,
and it was really fun

to see you in your element.
- Thank you.

- You've seem especially
kind of titillated

by the idea of an alter ego,
and--

- I think it's great
that she expresses herself

in this artistic way.

I love the fact that
she feels free to do that.

I have alter egos too,
as an actress, and it's fun.

It's fun to pretend.
I think it's cool.

- And you have to remember,
Erika Jayne

is a fantasy character,
you know,

and that's how
she was created:

fantasy, love, escape,
glitz, glamour, and fun.

She's not somebody
that walks around all day.

I mean, she's here today
a little bit.

- Eileen was Erika Jayne's
number one fan girl,

♪patthepuss,

but on this day,
the feeling was mutual.

- Where are we going?

- So this is where we sh**t
"The Young and the Restless."

- This is cool.
- Stage 43.

Lots happening here.
Never a dull moment.

- This is really neat.
I'm so excited.

- The actors' dressing rooms
and hair and makeup is up there.

And Eileen should be
around here somewhere.

- Ooh, Eileen
has her own dressing room.

- She does.
And there she is.

- Hi! I'm so excited.
- Welcome.

- Thanks for having me.
This is so much fun.

- Isn't it fun?
- Yes, this is cool.

- Hi, nice to see you.
- You too.

It's fun to see it
through other people's eyes

who aren't used to it every day.
- Right, this is really great.

- You know, 'cause
this is just, like--

I've been doing this
for so long.

My kid grew up here.

Come on in.
- Okay. I'm excited.

- I'll let you take it
from here.

See you later.
- Thank you.

- Bye-bye.
- Thank you. Bye-bye.

- So I'll get you situated,
and then I'll

see you out there
in a little bit.

- I'm so excited.
- I'm so glad.

I like having people
visit me on set

when it's not a hard day.

I can't have any visitors

when I've got a lot to do,
because I have to focus.

But today's a good day.

- I'm excited.

- You have to be really,
really quiet.

Don't laugh or anything.
- I won't do anything.

- Don't cry or laugh.
- I'm not gonna do anything.

- Okay, watch your foot here.
Watch your step.

- Eileen makes out
with strangers for a living.

Eileen is a sexy beast.

Think about this:
she gets to kiss other people

and get paid for it.

Is there a baby in there?

This almost looks as bad
as the baby

in "American sn*per."

That was intense.

Eileen's being a total b*tch.

Look at those mean stares
she gives.

I'm kind of impressed
by the stares.

It's just not the Eileen I know.

Eileen's cool.

Like, in one way, she seems
so quiet and conservative,

but she's really
a fáááing cool chick.

- Was it fun?
- I had a great time.

- Okay.
- I never knew you were so mean.

- What's going on in here?
I don't believe it for a second.

- I know,
my brother's being sneaky.

- I love it.

- There's so much
going on for Ashley,

the character I play on
"The Young and the Restless,"

and it's really fun for me,

because Ashley's
a very strong character.

But she wasn't written
that way for a long time.

Yeah, this is my little--
my little cave.

- Your nest, huh?
- Yeah, exactly.

- This is great.

So this is--you've been doing
soaps since you were a baby.

- Yeah, like 22 years old.
Not even quite 23.

- What a great career.
- Off and on, off and on.

- What a great career.

This is my first time,
like, ever--

I mean, I mentioned to you
that I'd been on set,

like, a long time ago.

I thought I can just
leave the paintings up

as though things
were still the same.

I was gonna take them
to his studio,

but I can't find the key.

This was really neat.

- Well, come back.
- I'd love to.

- And maybe
I'll get you a part too.

- Oh, my God, please.

Some crazy, you know, stripper
on a pole or something.

- I'll get you to play a nun.
That would be even more fun.

- You know what?
That would be amazing,

and then I can pray
and ask for forgiveness.

- While two friends
get closer in Hollywood,

two sisters do the same
in Palm Springs.

- Hello.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Oh, hi.

How are you?

I know Mom is up there
loving this dog so much.

- Hi. You look good.
- Thank you.

- Oh, my God, I love that.
- Oh, thank you.

- How long did it take you
to get down here?

- Two and a half, three hours.

Not long.
- You look good.

- Thanks, so do you.

- I'm really happy
that my sister, Kim,

has been doing
really well lately.

And I can feel that we're moving
in the right direction,

which I have not felt
for a very long time.

What's happening?

- So--glad to be here.

I love the desert so much.
- Me too.

- Just driving down here,
just the whole--

- I know, me too.

- As soon as I hit
the windmills,

I was like, ahh.

- Do you think you'd ever
live back down here?

- As much as I love it here,
I really love the beach.

You know,
I love Malibu a lot.

- I actually love Malibu
a lot too,

but I don't know--
I love it here.

In an ideal world,

Kim and I would be
how we were growing up,

just laughing and having fun.

And no one can
replace a sister,

that history that you have,
at all.

You know that Farrah had
the listing on our house

that we grew up in?

- Nuh-uh.

- And she had an open house
there, and I went,

and I walked around
all the rooms.

I walked in your room,
Kathy's room--

- Oh, my--
- My room, Mom's room--

- Kathy and I were just
talking about that today.

- About what?
- Um, store.

- What store?
- "Want to play store?"

[both laughing]
She took all our money.

- Well, because if we were
suckers enough to buy things

that Mom already had
in the living room

because Kathy put a price tag
on it, that's what we get.

- We would buy them,
and then she'd take them back

and resell them to us
next week.

Then she'd go, "Mm...

- "That's an heirloom.
You can't have it."

- Yeah, I can.

- And then Mom would come
and yell at us

and take it all back.

- Then she'd sell them
again next week.

I'm happy to go see my sister
today, because I'm ready

for us to start to really
progress in a healthy,

new relationship.

- Oh, my God.

- We really did have great
childhood memories, you know?

- It's so crazy--
in spite of everything,

I only think of
positive things.

- That's all you can do today.

Honestly, that's all I do.

- Do you want anything
to eat or drink?

- I miss seeing her
and speaking with her,

but we have, like,

hysterical moments,
whatever we do.

This just does not feel
like a facial. No way.

- Kim, I'm telling you,
you're going to be gorgeous.

- Oh, my God, Kyle.

Oh, I love them.

I love turtles.

- Ow.

- Let me see.
- Shut up!

Kim, sit down.
I'm gonna k*ll you.

- Oh, yeah, you are so--

- Stop.

- We have fun together,

and I think, not just the love
I have for her,

but those are the fun things
I miss about my sister.

- I want to get a picture.
- That is really pretty.

Want to get a selfie?
- A selfie?

- My hair looks weird like this.

- Let's go this way,
so it's behind us.

- Oh, are we gonna
both do it at the same time?

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Coming up...
- I never have.

I swear to you.
I never put on a strap-on.

I would tell you.

What can you do?

This mouth gets me in trouble.

♪ ♪

- Lisa Rinna,

when you were on
"Watch What Happens Live,"

you said that you
and Harry watch

the "Housewives" together.

What was his reaction to
what you said on Jenny McCarthy?

- It's the guys
that want to fááá Harry.

- Does he appreciate
the male physique at all?

- No, I will tell you that.
- He loves p*ssy.

- Harry likes p*ssy,
period.

- Have you strapped one on yet
and tried that?

- Yes, I don't know why
I even strapped it.

I think
I just wanted to try it.

He said, "What?"

And I said, "You know what?

"It was 7:00 in the morning.

"I didn't exactly know
what I was saying.

It just kind of flew
out of my mouth."

- How many times
have you used that excuse?

- I swear to God,
I would tell you if I did it.

I really would.

We were talking about dildos,
and it turned into a strap-on,

and I was--I never have.

I swear to you,
I never have put on a strap-on.

I would tell you.

He was horrified by it,
actually.

He was like, "What?
When did you do that?"

- I was feeling for you.

I thought, "Oh, my God,
what has she done?"

- I felt for Harry.
- I felt for him too.

- I was like, "Oh, my God,
what have you done?"

- What can you do?
This mouth gets me in trouble.

- Lisa Rinna has a mouth,

and Erica Jayne
has an alter ego,

but it turns out Eileen
has a wild side herself.

- After you.
- Hello.

- How are you?
- Hi, ladies.

- How are you?
- Hey, girls.

- Good.

- Fun stuff.
- Welcome.

- So do you wear
a lot of bathing suits?

I mean, do you wear--

- No, I try to avoid it
as much as possible.

- Do you?
I can't believe that

considering what I saw you
doing Friday night.

- Yeah, but that was
a costume,

and it was on stage with
good hair, makeup, and lighting.

- Yeah, I know what you mean,
I know what you mean.

- I'm a private person,
believe it or not.

When I'm at home,
I actually am quite private.

[energetic music]

- Oh, my God, my favorite store.

I'm so excited.

- Thank you. Hello.
- Hello.

- Hi, there you are.

- Hey, you look so cute.
- Hi.

- How are you, honey?
- I'm good, how are you?

- Good.
Excellent.

- How cute are some of these?
- Amazing.

- I mean, how hot
would this look on you?

- I'm ready
to try some dresses on.

- Let's try some on.

- Is your husband
on the road a lot?

- All the time.
- Oh, wow, I didn't know that.

- He has cases all over.

- I had no idea.
- You didn't?

- No.
- He has cases all over.

That's why he has
the airplane--

'cause he can't get anywhere
if he doesn't.

How could he maintain
his schedule?

- Well, now it makes
perfect sense.

- How can he maintain
his schedule?

He can have lunch in Houston,
dinner in New York City,

and be back
for tomorrow's stuff, so--

- Wow.

- Which is cool.
- How do you deal with that?

- When I first got with Tom,
I was on the road with him.

- Oh.

- So I was 100%
sitting in every meeting

and sitting at every dinner

and sitting at every ceremony

where he got some award,
so yeah.

Now I just go to, like,
the best things.

The longest we've ever
been apart, I think,

was two and a half weeks.

We don't like to be
apart much longer than that.

Somebody always meets
the other one.

- Erika?
- Yes.

- I think it would
be so hilarious...

- Oh, my God.
Wait!

- To show up
at your party like this.

"Hi, everybody."
- Can you, please?

- I love this.
- My husband's not here.

This is pretty cute.
- I love it.

- I knew you had a rocking bod.
- You look so good, honey.

- Wow.
- Yes.

- You can't really wear anything
though, right, because--

- No.
- You look great.

- It's very sexy.
- That's sassy.

- I think this dress
is more Erika Jayne.

- Wow.

I kind of feel
like Elvira in this.

- I love that.

Don't you love it?
- Oh, my God, you look amazing.

- You look a lot more,
like, classy than I do.

- I think you could use
a little sexier.

Like, let's sex her up a bit.

- Ooh, it's pretty in blue.

- Ooh, I love it on you in blue.

It's cute, though, isn't it?
- Yeah.

- You know what I love
about you?

- What?

- People tend to underestimate

how cool you are,
and I appreciate you sticking-

- Thank you.
- No, it's really true.

And I appreciate you sticking up
for me the other night

with that stupid word that
they all have a problem with.

- Right.

- It says áááá.
- Oh!

- You're all taking--
- That word really bothers me.

I'm not gonna lie.
- Exactly.

- Oh, my God,
I thought it said "candy."

- But people assume
that I'm really closed up,

and it's so interesting--
- I think because you're quiet.

But it's like a quiet strength,
which is really nice.

- Well, aren't you that way too,
kind of?

- Me?
- Yeah.

- I'm as obnoxious as fááá.

I do live by the words
"class"

and "a*s" and "t*ts"
and "heels."

But I also, you know,
take it down

a couple of notches
off stage.

I'm not, you know,

blowing it out all the time.

Let your inner bad girl out,
at least when you're around me.

- So your total is $681
with 25¢.

- Whoa.
- There you go.

- Damn.
- Thank you so much.

- You know what?
I'm gonna get this today.

Yeah, let me do it.
It's all on mine.

- You're kidding--why?
- Yeah, no, no, no.

Please let me.
It's fine.

- Well, I'm going shopping
with you all the time.

- Yes, you are.
Yes, you are.

- Thank you--wow.
- Thanks, ladies.

- Oh, my God, I love that.

- That's the one.
- That's the one.

Oh, my God,
she looks so amazing.

- That's the one.
Boom, done.

- I love her body.

- Gorgeous.

- That is--
- Totally--

- Like, double snap.

You look over at me
in my little jumpsuit

and my short hair and,

like, no curves whatsoever.

I am built like
a 12-year-old boy. I am.

You could beat the sháá
out of me.

- Oh, that's true.
- You could.

- I'd snap you over my knee
in two seconds.

- I think you would.

- Kathryn, Danielle from Arley,
Alabama, said,

"Your g*ns are badass.

What does your arm
workout entail?"

- I would love to kick your a*s.

- Honey, you can't kick my a*s.

- And she's, like, so serious.

Oh, my God.

- Wait--
- She's terrible.

- What do you want of this?
- Whoa!

- Jesus.
- Oh, my God!

- Honestly, I don't do as much
as it probably looks like.

I think genetically
is a little bit more the credit.

But I--I lift.

- You lift a lot, don't you?

- Not that much.
- Really?

- And actually, I think
they've kind of shrunk.

- Could Kathryn take everybody
in an arm wrestling--

- Yes.
- Yes.

- Yeah, sure.
- For sure.

- Yeah.
- At the same time.

[laughter]

- Coming up...

- I remember being
a little girl--

well, not little, but,
you know, younger,

and being like...

- Let's check in with
the ladies of Beverly Hills

one last time
in the Hamptons.

- I'm home.

Where did they go?

- What can I start you with,
ladies, to drink?

- May I have some tequila
on the rocks?

But I'd like some lime in it.

- It's so cute here, right?
- Isn't it sweet?

- I could live here.
- Isn't it beautiful?

- It's so sweet.
- We love it.

- That looks so sweet on you.
- Thank you.

- Even though you're
taking it--my color.

- I didn't even
think about it.

- Yeah, you did, yeah, you did.
[overlapping speech]

- It's magenta.
It's not pink.

- I like pink,
and if I want to wear pink,

I'm gonna wear pink.

I'm gonna do whatever I want.

- Come on.
- Isn't this so pretty?

- This is tremendous.
- I've had a really nice time.

I had a good cry last night.

- You did?
- Yeah.

- Sometimes
we need a good cry.

- Do you ever cry?
- Well, you do.

- Do you ever sit
and have a good cry alone?

- When you're alone
do you cry?

- I cry when people hurt me.

I cry when, um--

I cry more about things
that happen in the world.

- Lisa doesn't like
to give much

of what's going on
inside of Lisa.

She doesn't like
to show her cards.

- Let's talk about
what makes us laugh.

not what makes us cry.

- Okay.
- We, like--no, right?

- Can I tell you how hot
I thought your husband was

in "Clash of the Titans?"
- You can.

- I'm sorry.
- You can.

- I was gonna say,
I remember being a little girl--

well, not little, but,

you know, younger,
and being like...

- We've got some hot husbands.

We all have
some hot husbands.

- It's so true.
- I got to go to a showing.

- I'm going to lunch
with the girls.

- It's true.
- Love you, though, so much.

You know I do.

[upbeat music]

- It's the cutest thing.

- All of our husbands are hot.
- They're adorable.

- We haven't met yours yet,
but I'm sure he's hot.

- You're gonna love--
he is so bright and fun.

- I'm excited to meet him.

- I just really
think he's amazing.

- I love how you speak
about him.

- I mean, from the bottom
of my heart, I really do.

I could not bullsááá you.

- That is a beautiful thing,
you know, to adore someone.

- Well, you know, he--
that man changed my life.

- Oh!
- I was 26 when I met Tom.

I was a c*ck waitress
in Beverly Hills,

and for a year,
he was just Mr. Girardi

that could not eat
onions and garlic.

Kind of a pain in the a*s.

But loving, sweet, magic,
and just an amazing guy.

- You're gonna cry.
- I'm gonna cry too.

- But you're gonna cry.
- I know, because I saw it.

- The love and appreciation
when you say that.

- I have great appreciation
and great--

and I have great respect.

- Wow.
- And great admiration.

He's--oh, he's special.

I love Tom's smile.

I love Tom's big blue eyes.

And he's always like,
"You know,

Erika, we have to squeeze
every drop out of life."

And I love that about him.

I know the first thing I do
when my husband comes home

is, I have a million questions--
"Hon, what does this mean?

Can you explain this to me?"

I'm constantly asking questions.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- And he probably loves that.

- I bet he's a great teacher,
'cause that's how my--

- He's a great teacher.

- My husband's the same way.
- He's a great teacher.

- He's taught me a lot
because he's so smart.

- I think Tom is better

than he was
when I first married him.

We're very close.
We're partners.

We're confidants.

I'm always asking
for his advice,

and he always has
the right answer.

- I'm gonna call Tom.
- You should call--

[laughter]

- To learn more about
the "Housewives," go to: