08x06 - Wham, Glam, Thank You Ma'am

[bunniefuu]

"The Real Housewives
of Beverly Hills"...

- 14.
- What?

- I won!
- Oh, my God.

- And it's my birthday!
[both scream]

- Every time that, you know,
Kathy succeeded

in something or Kim or I did,
my mom would always say...

this was her expression,
"This is a feather

"in all of our caps,
we're a team.

You know,
we all stick together."

My mom was always about that.

- Tom got in a car accident by
our house and broke his ankle.

- Oh, my God.
- And so he's gonna

have to have a little surgery
to have it,

you know, put back together.

- We're gonna find you
a very nice home.

Yes, we are.
We've opened

the Vanderpump
Dog Rescue Foundation.

- Okay, I gotta talk
about something

because there's a little
thing happening

with Lisa Vanderpump
that I read in the news.

A little lawsuit thing
happening.

- You could've, like,
shot me a text

and just been like,
"I'm not coming."

'Cause I got a sitter
and, you know...

It is what it is,
but I have to run out.

- I just thought we had
between 4:30 and 5:30

to get together, so...

- I've been sitting here
for over 30 minutes.

[upbeat music]

- In this town,
fame and money come and go,

but friends should not.

♪ ♪

- Some people call me cold.

But that's not ice...
it's diamonds.

♪ ♪

- I believe in
excess of everything,

except moderation.

♪ ♪

- Having the best
isn't important to me,

but being my best is.

♪ ♪

- I don't have to buy it,
'cause I already own it.

♪ ♪

- The queen of diamonds

always has an ace
up her sleeve.

♪ ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[dogs barking]

- Woof, woof!
Hello?

[together] Hi!

- Hey, John.

Oh, you're here.
Ohh, what is that?!

- Hi.
- What is that?

- This is Peanut.
- Where did you get him?

- Yesterday. Her.
- Where from?

- Hoarder.

- No!
- Yeah, we got her,

her sister...
- Opening Vanderpump

Dog Rescue Center
was probably

the craziest thing
we've done so far.

- How old is she?
- Isn't she so cute?

- Do we know how old
she is?

- She's about 1 1/2, two.

- To have these puppies
perpetually coming in,

I mean, it just feeds
my addiction, so to speak.

- He is so small.

- Hi, guys.
- Hey.

- Tell me about the cloning.
- Well...

- It's him that wants to.
It's crazy.

Ken is so obsessed
with Jiggy.

- I would like another Jiggy.

He's so precious to me.
- Are you serious?

- I want him cloned.

- Oh, my God, Ken.
- We need to do...

- How much it cost?
- 50,000.

- $50,000. We could give
$50,000 to the Center.

Ken loves Jiggy more than me.

Oh, well, he's never mentioned
cloning me,

for God's sake.

But cloning Jiggy.

No, I'm not sure
about that.

- I mean, it is ex...Ken,
another Jiggy,

is it worth it?
- Anyway, less talking...

let's talk about the lawsuit.

You and Ken at the time
wanted to be involved

with this rescue center.
- Exactly.

- Initially, Ken wanted
to find a rescue center.

It would've been easier
for us to find one

that was already in existence...
which we did.

And Ken wanted
to merge with them.

But then things weren't
quite the way we wanted.

And Ken felt that
we had to withdraw.

How much did you give them?

- About 40,000.

- You gave them $40,000.
- Yes.

- For what?
- Rent and...

well, I was taking it over,

I thought.
- So this woman

is suddenly suing us

and saying Ken reneged
on being a partner.

- It's terrible.

To be honest with you,
I mean it's...

- Don't let that take us down.

I don't want this
to dampen the mood

of the good work we're doing.
I really don't.

- No.
- I really don't.

We've adopted and hundred and...
-150.

- How many...150.
Well...

- I mean, we're just trying
to do good, you know,

so it's...it's just
disheartening, you know...

- Of course it's disheartening,
but that's America,

the most litigious country
in the world I know.

- Listen, why don't we
just not mention it anymore?

Let the lawyers sort it out.

- Ken always brushes
things aside,

but I know it really
hurts him deep down

to have your integrity
brought into question.

We fight it.
We always fight it.

Well, I just think that you've
gotta be a little bit

more stringent and careful.

- Exactly.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Hi.
- Hi, babe.

- Hey.
- How's it going?

- Hey, do you want
a bottle of water?

- I'm actually okay.
- Okay, come on back.

How are you?
- I'm good.

Thanks for squeezing
me in today.

- No problem.
Go ahead and get comfy

and I'll be right back in,
okay?

- Lovely. Thank you.

I'm not super
into shopping or fashion,

I am into wellness.

I am into a little bit
of preservation.

So of course,
I get a facial

whenever time allows.

- Okay, so I wanna
do something new on you today.

I wanna do the Venus Legacy
skin tightening.

- I, personally,
am a big fan of Botox.

And sometimes
I have seen a touch

of frightening filler.

So I have strayed clear

of filler as of now.

Ask me again in 15 years.
Maybe.

- What do you have
going on the next couple weeks?

- I kinda have this idea.
So a bunch of girls

invited me on this trip

and took me to Vegas
for my birthday.

[cheering]
[loud club music]

And, you know,
to thank them

I wanna do something
nice for them.

And since, you know,
I'm, like, the world's worst

event planner
and non-girly girl,

I was like, maybe I could
bring Josh to them.

I wanted to invite you over
for a glam circle at my house.

- A what?
- I know.

- So what we'll do is we just
wanna make an environment

where everybody feels
super comfortable,

luxurious and pampered.

- From what I saw in Vegas,

I felt like maybe
there wasn't a ton

for all of us
to connect with.

A general thing that
we all cared about

[laughs] was our appearance.

- Okay, you're
a HoneyBaked ham.

- Ooh, all done.
- Timer's done.

- So I figured,
you know what?

A facial seems like
a safe bet

for everybody to enjoy.

- All right, love,
how do you feel?

- Dreamy.
- Yeah?

- Ahh.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Hello.
- Hey.

- How are you?
- Hey, good. How are you?

- Good. Good to see you.
- Good to see you, too.

- Hello, hi there.
- Hi. How's it going?

- Good. What's going on?

- We're just working on 105.

- This is, uh...
- I love this episode.

- This is such a great episode.

- I've made a point
to be extremely hands-on

with "American Woman."

What is the story
with these cameras again?

This is gonna give us
that, like, '70s vibe and feel.

- Yeah, exactly.
- I'm kinda sad

tonight's the last night
of sh**ting.

- I know, me too.
- Yeah.

- It's a short one.
But we'll get to do more.

- That's right.
My new producer hat.

- Exactly, exactly.
- [laughs]

At first, I didn't even
know what I was doing there.

And, you know,
I'm a quick study.

I figured it out
really fast.

- You remember this one

we actually shot it
here on the stage

at the stage.
- Yeah, I know.

That's what I love
about filming here

on the lot at Warner Brothers.

It's actually where
we actually really were

back in the day.
- I know.

- My sister Kim
and I were both

on TV shows on this lot.

So it really is
like going back in time.

- So you, like, lived
this exact moment.

- That's exactly...
that's why it's so crazy.

That's why I think
I get choked up

with this...
- I always think about

you and your mom.
- A lot of stuff is, you know,

created, you know, written,
but this is actually

very much like my mom.

- Should I play it?
- Yeah, let's watch it.

- I'm scared, Mom.

- There's no reason
to be scared.

Aunt Kathleen saw
lots and lots

of girls, and you were
better than all of them.

That's why they picked you.

But if you don't wanna do it,
you don't have to.

We can go home right now.

I just don't want you
to ever doubt yourself.

- No, I wanna do it.

- They're gonna love you.

Remember to introduce yourself
to everyone.

Shake their hands, and look
them straight in the eye

so they can see
how amazing you are.

- My mom always said that.
- Am I amazing?

- Of course you are.
- [sighs]

It looks really good.
- It does look really good.

- It's so funny,
like, growing up you know...

I mean, I understood
that my mom was stressed

being a single mom.
- Yeah.

- You don't really grasp it.
- Yeah.

- My mom was very,
very strong.

And as a child, I didn't see
that she was vulnerable.

She hid it from us a lot.

You know, when you're a child

you're like, oh, I know,
she's in a bad mood

when the bills come.
- Right. [laughs]

- You know, I told you
she'd, like, chain smoke

and writing the checks out.
- Right, right.

- And be like,
"Nobody come in the kitchen!"

- Right.
- But, like, when I see this

from an adult's perspective
now, and as a mom,

you really, really feel it.
- Yeah.

- When I'm with my sisters,
"American Woman"

doesn't usually come up.

I feel like
since the beginning,

that they didn't
really understand

what the project was.

It's not exactly our life
at all.

I can't wait
for my kids to see it.

- Yeah.
- This is inspired by,

which is very different
than based on.

So I just figure they'll see it
when they see it,

and they'll realize that,
you know,

I'm just making a fun show.

Sophia doesn't remember my mom

'cause she was two.
- Mm-hmm.

- And Portia's never
met my mom.

- Right.
- So seeing these things

really is, like,
a peek, you know,

into what my life was
and how my mom...

you know, what she was like.
- Yeah.

- Okay, I will call you later.
We'll go over

the music and everything.
- Okay, great.

- I'll talk later.

My mom would say,
"Do you want a new bike?

"Do you want
a new pair of roller skates?

"You go and you get this job,

we're gonna go and buy it."

And I would be so excited
just to get the bike.

That's why I wanted the job.

Bye, guys.
- Bye.

- Coming up...

- I swear to God,
I'm sexually aroused right now.

- I told you that!

I told you, my d*ck got hard.
I'm telling you.

♪ ♪

[knocking on door]

- I'm so ready!
- You look cute.

- Oh, it's nice to see you.
- Gimme a hug.

- Nice to see you.
- Oh.

Thanks for doing this.
- Of course, of course.

Are you kidding?
I was actually

really thrilled to get
the call from Dorit

to go pick out
a birthday gift for PK.

I'm very thankful
that Dorit and I

have been able to put
our hard times behind us.

It's embarrassing
with what you said,

it's embarrassing
with what PK said.

And then it continued
to move on.

- But at some point, Erika,
we have to be able to move on.

- So this could be an opening

for us to have a friendship

and to actually
communicate by ourselves,

one-on-one, for once,
without, like,

outside influences.

- How's Tom?
- You know what it is.

Men cannot...I don't know,

they turn into something.

It's like,
they're really strong

and, you know, they do all
these great things in business.

But honey, when they get hurt
a little bit,

it's like infants.
- Totally.

- I'm like, who is this person?
- Totally.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Best co pilot, ever.

- Well, you know what
you can rob a bank with.

There you go,
we'll rob a bank

and we'll drive away.
- Young ladies!

- Brett!
- Welcome, welcome.

- Ohh.
- Look at you. Long time.

- It's been a long time.
- Are you doing well?

- So Brett, this is
my friend, Erika.

- Hey, Erika.
- Erika, absolute pleasure.

Welcome. What do you think?

- This is...
- Unbelievable.

PK and Brett have known each
other for a long time.

So Brett convincing me
that a Pagani

is the perfect present for PK
is not surprising,

but it's definitely
a very, very long stretch.

I know nothing about this.
She's the fast car girl.

- No, I know nothing
about this.

- Oh, it's a different level.
There's 100 of these

examples across the world.

There's only gonna be about


that grace the United States.

Your vehicle you're
driving today

is gonna be close
to $3 million in value.

So don't be intimidated.
- Don't be intimidated!

- Because I know you got this.
- Dorit, don't rag.

Don't crash, Dorit.
- Oh, thank you, Erika.

- Ooh.
- I think if Dorit

bought this $3 million car
for PK,

he'd probably kick her a*s

because that's a lot of cash.

You know, Mr. Girardi
would have a...

have a real problem with that.

- Oh, my God! Erika!
- All right, guys,

well, whoever's gonna
get in the passenger...

let me grab the key,
I'll grab the key.

- You drive first?
- No, you drive first.

- Oh, hell yes, I have fears
and concerns

about crashing this thing.

- You want me to go first,
I'll go first.

- Will you?
- Yes, I'll go first.

- Okay, yay!

It's $3 million.

I am not equipped
to drive this car.

[engine revving]

- Uhh!
- Dorit, let's go.

- Oh, .....ing hell!
[both laugh]

Oh, my God. This thing
doesn't even feel like a car.

- This thing feels
like a spaceship or something.

- Oh, yeah.
I feel like we're gonna

take off and go to
the moon or something.

- The truth is, I don't know

the fastest car
I've ever been in.

Was it the Ferrari?
Was it the Lamborghini?

Was it the Aston Martin?
Was it the blah, blah, blah?

I don't know.
I do know this, though:

The Pagani, like,
blows away

my little Lamborghini.

I'm like the Little Sisters
of the Poor over here.

[horn honking]

- Okay, blinker left.
- Okay, blinker right here.

- Do you think
the guy's having, like...

- You're okay.
- Like, a little nervous?

Like, oh, my God.
- No. Yeah, they're having

a meltdown, but we're not.
- Okay.

- Okay, you're good.
- Erika, you're a very

calming force,
I just wanna tell you.

- Okay, well,
you're very welcome.

- Erika and I
are having fun.

But I'm thinking to myself,

I can't go spend
$3 million

on a birthday gift for PK.

He won't even be thinking
about the car at that point.

He'd think, I need to
take my wife straight

to the insane asylum.

I swear to God,
I'm sexually aroused right now.

- I told you that!

I told you, my d*ck got hard.
I'm telling you.

- I don't even know how
I'm gonna

get into my Bentley right now.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- I put cream in your tea.

We want that?
- No, I want milk.

- I put heavy cream.

Oh, no, look what
happened to it.

- [laughs]
- Look at it.

I guess no heavy cream
in the tea.

[both laughing]

I don't belong in the kitchen.

I can't even make
a flipping cup of tea.

- There's a reason I cook here.

- Look at that,
milk doesn't curdle at all.

That's really weird.

Here's you tea, darling.
- Thank you, darling.

- All right, so how many
days are you working on this?

- You know, I would be working
more if they weren't

sh**ting it all
at the same time.

- This business
is very fickle.

If you wanna get a job
as an actor,

you go on vacation,
you will instantly

get booked for something.

It happens to everyone.

And it's "Law & Order:
The Menen..."

What is it?
- "Law & Order True Crime

The Menendez Murders."

- So it's very common
for Harry

to get a job
while he's in Canada.

He's done it for years.

He'll fly to Vancouver,
he'll fly here,

there, blah, whatever...

and work and then go
back to Canada.

Remember the time
when Amelia was here

and she was spitting,
she was going through

her spitting phase?

She spit at me,
and I said, "Listen,

if you keep spitting,
you're gonna grow a p*nis."

- [laughs]
- And she looked at me

and she never spit again.

Don't you remember that?

- I kind of do remember that.
- She never spit again.

I'm gonna give Harry credit.

Oh, my God,
that was funny.

Because when
the girls were younger,

Harry turned down
so many things.

He was like,
I'm gonna stay home

and I'm gonna
be with these kids.

Something would come up
to do, like,

some TV series
in Toronto or Vancouver

He turned down
so many things

so that he could be there.

Every single night,
he put those girls to bed.

How do you think Delilah
will do in New York

by herself?
- I'm little concerned

about her going to New York
before she starts NYU.

Because unless she's got
jobs lined up

and she's got a schedule
and places to go,

she can very easily
fall into this,

you know, staying out until


- Oh, I won't allow
that to happen.

We're not having
that happen.

Delilah is moving
to New York City.

She is going to be
modeling and she got into NYU.

But she got into NYU
for the spring semester.

So it's almost like having
a half gap year.

- What school does, is that
keeps you busy every day.

If she's in New York
without that,

I mean, she's just got
a meeting one week

and then another one
the next week...

- Well, she'll come home.
- That can be a problem.

- Then we'll bring her home.

- She's a really pretty girl

and she's gonna have
lots of opportunities

to have boys
clamor all over her.

- She already does.

I mean, you just have to
have faith 'cause all we can do

is talk to them about,
you know what,

you've gotta make
smart choices.

You can't trust everybody.
You've gotta be really careful

who you let into your life.

But you know, the way
they're gonna learn the best

is the hard way.

- I don't actually
relish the idea

of them learning the hard way.
- Well...

- 'Cause the hard way can be,
you know...

that can be tough.

- I know, but sometimes
it has to be that way.

Sometimes, you know,
they have to get

their heart broken in order to
figure out that this...

- But getting
their heart broken, that's...

- Oh, that's what
I'm talking about.

I mean, I'm not talking
about scary things.

- Oh.
- I don't want

scary things to happen,
but you know...

- My mind goes to scary things.

- Oh, no, no, no, no.

No. I have them protected.

I have, like, a...

- Oh, really?
- I have a bubble

of white light
around both of them.

- Oh, that's so nice.
- I do.

Harry's married to me
for God sakes.

So he's a patient man.

But he doesn't necessarily

adopt the same things
that I do.

- Oh.
- You think I'm joking.

I am protecting them.

I know it makes me
sound crazy.

- No, I feel so much better.

- But I'm telling you,
it's the power of the mind.

And if you think positively

and know that it's all
gonna be okay,

then guess what, it will be.

- And what happens when the
creeps come up to the bubble?

They go, boom, and they bounce
right off of it?

- [laughs] Oh, my God.

- I think you should
start selling bubbles.

- [laughs] Sh...
- You can sell anything.

You should sell
bubbles of light.

- I'm gonna sell
white bubbles of light.

- Coming up...

Lisa!

- See? It's fine.

- You're the most annoying
person on the planet.

[dog whimpering]
Stop.

♪ ♪

[dogs barking]

- Hop out. Wait.

But Storm, stay...stay with me.

Come on, Stormy.

- Hello, hello.
- Hello!

both: Ohh!
- Are you dead?

- You're lying.
- Oh, my God,

so beautiful.
- Stop.

- This is little Cookie.

- Oh, my God.
- Portia, you got so tall.

- You guys, get some
hand sanitizer.

- Okay, good.
You bring her back.

- So, um, Lisa didn't
completely make you

a grooming appointment.

And one of our groomers
didn't show up.

- You didn't
make an appointment.

- No, I said
I'm bringing Storm in.

What do you think,
she's coming to shop?

- Right?
That's what I'm saying.

- Well, yeah...no, but...
- So, what?

You should've called.
- I forgot.

- Of course I didn't
forget Kyle's appointment.

I just wanted to see her
get down on all fours

and do the dirty work.

Not that that would be
the first time, I'm sure.

- We have aprons,
if you guys wanna...

- Do it ourselves?
- Yeah, 'cause we've got

all the stuff.
- I just love

to [BLEEP] with Kyle

and to really wind her up

and to really have a little bit
of a laugh at her expense.

Is that wrong?

- Oh, my God. Girls, go in
and see the puppy.

Do you girls wanna
go in there and sit down?

- You wanna come and sit?
- Yeah.

- Okay, sit down.

Let's go back
to the grooming section.

Lisa doesn't miss a trick.

No, Lisa, sorry.
Not buying that.

Come on, up.
[dog whining]

Oh, I know, I know.
- It's gonna be

so much fun, come on.
- She doesn't like

to go in there.
- Come on.

- She doesn't like it.
This is the thing.

- Oh, my God.
Okay, okay.

Oh, yeah!
- This is like a car wash.

[whining]
[both imitating whining]

- Okay.
- Can you do her butt, please?

I'm gonna do the other.
- Oh!

I just blow dried my hair,
Lisa.

- Step out of the hose,
step out of the hose.

- What are you doing?
You're getting me all wet.

- Okay, go on.
You do her butt.

When you wash the dog,
it's important

to put your finger
up the a**l gland.

- Shut up.
- No, seriously,

you have to do it.

Come on, just do it.
- Oh, my God.

- Just stick it in there.

- You're the one who likes
a**l beads.

- I do not!
This dog is naughty,

it's impetuous,
a little erratic.

Come on, we're putting her
in the dry bar.

I mean, I guess you could say

pretty much
like its owner, right?

- No, it's not gonna work,
it's not gonna work,

it's not gonna work.
- Just do it.

- It's not gonna work,
it's not gonna work,

it's not gonna work.

Oh, my God. Ow.

[dryer running]
All right, Storm, it's okay.

- You just try to get the dog.

She...
- She loves it!

- Oh, yeah, she loves it.
- Oh, my God.

Show her that you're okay
with it first.

- Lisa!
- See? It's fine.

- Of course, she could not
resist torturing me

with that hose.

You're the most annoying
person on the planet!

[dog whining]
Stop it.

I did not come here
for a blow-out.

- Oh, my God.

That was exhausting.
- Okay.

Oh, my God.

Come on, Storm.

You know, I got Storm
from the same lady

that is saying
these accusations.

- Well, she's...I mean,
I wish we'd never kinda

got involved with her,
but, you know, that's...

- But that's gonna happen.

I mean, you've got restaurants,

you've got this...
it's like...

- I know.
- It's unfortunate,

but that's...

- It just takes a toll, really.

- Yeah.

- I worry about Ken,

how he takes it,
though, you know.

- Lisa is a very
private person,

and I know this is something

that's really
been bothering her.

I will always have her back.

I will back her up
with this no matter what.

- Well, I...you know,
because I know

when we spoke on the phone,
I asked you

if anybody had brought it up.

And obviously,
from my recollection,

you said that Rinna was the
only one that brought it up.

But, I mean,
it's up for public consumption.

You know...
- Storm.

Eating your treats.
- Oh, yes.

He's just got
his nose in the basket.

So I invited Teddi
to come down,

'cause you know I'm going
down to Del Mar

for a couple of days,
I'm taking my horse down there.

But I need to have
a better understanding

of why she's so upset.
- With Dorit, you mean.

- Yeah.
- Well, because, so...

it's just a time discrepancy.

- I thought we had
between 4:30 and 5:30

to get together, so...

- I've been sitting here
for over 30 minutes.

- But now it's become a whole...

you're disrespectful of my time

and not understanding
my position, blah, blah, blah.

Like, it kinda grew
into something else.

You cannot say one word with
Dorit when she's worked up.

[barking]

Hi, baby love. Come here.
[kisses]

I mean, she's like,
[imitating] "Kyle,

"you know, I told PK
if I have got

"someone to get upset with me
for being six minutes late,

"Kyle, I can't do that.

"Kyle! I've never had
an accountability coach

as a friend."

[phone line trilling]

- Hi, Teddi.
- Hi, Dorit. How are you?

- I'm good. How are you?
- I'm good, thanks.

I'm just running out the door
to get my kids, actually.

But I wanted to call to see

if there's any way you can come
a little early tomorrow

so you and I can have
a little chat

before the other ladies arrive.

I'm hoping that
by having a conversation

with Dorit in advance
that by the time

everybody gets there,
we can just be done with it

and move on.

- Yeah, what time?
- I had told the girls 4:30,

so I don't know,
you wanna come, like 4:00?


- Really?

Yeah, no problem.

Sure, I guess I could come
even earlier

than I'm supposed to be there.

- Okay, talk to you then.
- Okay.

- Bye.

- Coming up...

- The whole point is
that it was a miscommunication

that should've been
had with me,

not with Kyle.
- Don't be ridiculous, Teddi.

These are my friends.

♪ ♪

- These are the little ones.

- So is this for champagne or...

- Well, we could do champagne
in these and rosé in these.

- Jamie and I grew up
riding horses together.

She's an event planner,
so anytime I have anything

that involve
flower arrangements

or catering,
I ask Jamie to do it

because I don't know
what the hell I'm doing.

And not to be crazy,
but is this towel

the same size as
those two towels?

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, it is?

- I think the pillows
are different sizes.

- The pillows
are different sizes?

- Yeah.
- Okay, so I'll try

to find a different pillow.
- Okay.

- I don't love hosting,

but I'm extremely OCD.

If I'm gonna do something,
I like them to look good.

I like them to be
in a particular order.

And I want things
to be perfect.

We have crowns that were
kinda, like, premade.

- So they're gonna kinda
premake some

and then the girls will be...
- You guys can just pick

what colors they want?
- So pick one of the flowers

they want to supplement them.

See, here's the
kinda premade one.

- Exactly. Here, we have

some that are already premade.

They have that as an option,

and then we also have
the terrariums.

- I thought of all of this
on my own, obviously.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[knocking]

both: Hello!

- How's it going?
Your hair looks cute.

- Thank you. Muah.
I'm here,

bright and early.
- I know, you did it.

- Before everyone.
- I know,

I'm pretty impressed.

- I tell you, it is possible.

- It is possible.
Yay, Dorit!

You're on time.

Do you want a drink
real quick

and then we'll
go have a little seat?

- Um, sure.

- Can I have a glass
of champagne, actually?

Speaking of... [laughs]

- Oh! Really nice,
there, Teddi.

I'm a very good friend.

So I'm gonna go for
a Vanderpump rosé.

- She has her moments,
she has her moments.

- Me? Uh!

Um, I love how I got it
in the champagne glass.

Thank you very much.
- Oh, did we both...

we both switched it off.
- There are different glasses

for different kinds of drinks
for a reason.

- You don't want
pink champagne?

- I don't mind. I love it.
- It's pink.

- Okay, but then you have to
get some flute glasses.

I didn't make it up.
I just know the difference.

- Well, thanks for coming.

- Oh, well, thank you
for having me.

Oh, my goodness.

This is, like, proper.
You know I'm not

letting anyone touch my face.

- Oh, you're not?
- No.

- All right.
- You know what it is?

You kind of have your people,

you know, that you trust.

I get a little bit nervous...
not that I think...

well mind you, I don't know
what you're capable of.

You might be injecting me
with all kinds of stuff.

- Oh, it's a laser!

And, uh...no,
to each his own.

I wrote a text
with all of the information,

laying it out.

If you're not interested,

say, "Sure, I'd love to
come to your house

but I don't let
people touch me."

Okay, simple as that.

So, essentially... [sighs]

Here's the long
and short of it.

I didn't actually care
that you left me

at the restaurant
for 54 minutes.

- I didn't leave you
for 54 minutes.

- Dorit.

You called me at 48 minutes
past the time

our meeting...
- I was supposed to

meet you at 4:30.
- 4:00 p.m.

- I was actually came
from a meeting.

- That is all fine.
The part I didn't like

is that you said
something to Kyle, like,

"I was only six minutes late,

and then she said
she had to leave."

- I heard what happened
yesterday with Dorit.

She told me she was


- [laughs]
- But, she felt bad...

- Well, obviously,
she's not good with time

because I had been
sitting there for 54 minutes.

The one thing
I'm never wrong about

is what time I'm supposed
to do something.

I'm an accountability coach.

That's the one thing.

If somebody says 4:00,
it's 4:00.

I sat there for one hour,
Dorit.

- Okay, but first of all
you told me on the phone

"I was waiting 30 minutes."

And I said, Teddi,
it's only been 18 minutes

since I'm supposed to meet you.

So why would I have said that

to you on the phone
if I believed

there was any chance
I had you waiting for an hour?

You really think I believed
it was 4:00

and I'm lying and saying 4:30.

- I don't know.

- But Teddi, I owned...
- But then to tell

somebody else and then
having me have to say,

"No, it was actually..."
Then I'm defending myself

for something that
I didn't do wrong.

And then I'm in a situation

where I'm talking about you

to someone other than you
that I shouldn't

have to happen that way.
- Exactly.

And it's my friend,
it's a person

I introduced you to.
- Right, what you...

why would you say that to her?

That's my biggest complaint.

- I don't know how I became
the villain in all this.

I mean, it's a little
overly sensitive.

I'm sorry.
- The whole point is

it was a miscommunication that
should've been had with me,

not with Kyle.
- I didn't have the...

this big conversation...
- You didn't tell Kyle

about it?
- She texted me six minutes,

"I'm worried about you.
Are you okay?"

- I don't know exactly,
there was just a...

You said six minutes
and she said one hour.

So I don't even know.

- Teddi, if something happens...
listen to me.

Don't be ridiculous, Teddi.
These are my friends!

- Coming up...

- It says here that you kind of

were mentioning
about my husband.

- It was nothing malicious.

She doesn't wanna
talk about it.

And you better believe
I'm gonna talk about it.

- Don't be ridiculous, Teddi.

You're making
a much bigger thing.

- Here's the thing,
none of it matters

other than the point that
you put me in a situation

where I had to have
another conversation

with another woman
about you

and then it put a bad taste
in my mouth about us.

- If you felt like you were
in that situation

and you had a bad taste
in your mouth after that,

why didn't you call me
and tell me that?

- On my text, I said
I'm not angry I'm...

- Did you talk about it to any
of the other girls after that?

- Yeah, I did.


she finally calls and says,
"Hey, I thought

we were meeting
between 4:30 and 5:30."

- This is what I mean.
- Here's the...I'm gonna...

- What are you actually
saying that I did wrong

that you haven't done tenfold?
- Because you...

Kyle was at the same dinner

It all came up because,
honestly,

I'm gonna let
the other girl tell you

but you hurt
another girl's feelings.

- She says, "Camille, you're
such a stupid C-word."

What is that?
What's that about?

What is wrong with her?

- I didn't just
let you come here

and pretend everything was fine

and talk about you
behind your back.

I'm so frustrated with Dorit

because I just wanted this
to be over with.

I'm fine to let it go.

If I didn't think it was
gonna be done,

I wouldn't have
even invited her.

- I think I'm gonna
change my glass.

- Oh yeah.

♪ ♪

- Hello!
- Hi!

- Wow, cool!
- Thanks.

- Hi.
- How are you?

- I'm good. How are you?
Here, a little...

- Oh, thank you very much.
- A little gifty.

Hey, hon, how are you?

I'm always up for a spa day.

Trust me, I will go
to the ends of the Earth

to have a spa day because
I need a little treatment.

I'm tired.

This old bag needs a little...

fluff 'n puff.

- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.

- Do you mind if
I switch glasses?

- This is so pretty.
- To the wine glass.

And have just a little
Vanderpump rosé.

- Okay.
- 'Cause, you know, I feel like

you know, I shouldn't be
drinking the wine

out of the champagne glass.

- Oh. Oh.
- It's one of those OCD things.

- Well, no, you know what?

I would feel the same, I think.

- No, it was just...
it was an oversight.

- No, I get it.
- But this is champagne.

But they served her wine
in the...

- In the champagne glass
and it just feels like

ooh, I think this...
- I totally get it.

I don't know why.
- No, I totally get it.

- I can't drink...
I feel like the...you know...

- I get it, you need it in...
- It needs to go

in the right glass.
- I understand

glasses for certain things,

but I don't give a sh...

I also grew up in Oregon,

so, like, I drank
most of my alcohol

out of red Solo cups.

- I'm planning a surprise
birthday party for PK.

It's gonna be so good.

- I'm sure.
I can only imagine.

- It's a 50th birthday party,

and 50 is an important number.

So it's gotta be big.

It's gotta be special.

I'm thinking more, like,
old school Frank Sinatra.

- We can build out
this whole area here

for the casino here.
- [gasps]

- And then we can do
night life

and everything up here.
- Yes.

- I love that.
- Yeah.

- That's so cool.

He's never, ever, ever,
had anyone

plan a party for him
in his entire life.

- Well, then, this is gonna
be a huge deal.

- No, you have no idea, he's
gonna ball his eyes out, Lisa.

- Yeah, I know.
- I have so many surprises

for this birthday.

I've got family and friends
flying in.

- Well, me and Belinda
and the kids

fly in tomorrow morning.

So we're there
tomorrow afternoon, L.A. time.

- Also, Mom and Dad
are coming on Saturday.

PK's family live in London.

So the idea of PK
being surrounded by his family

on his 50th birthday,
I just feel like

what's better than that?

It's black tie.
- Ahh! [laughs]

I love black tie.
- I know, me too!

- I love black tie!
It's gonna be like black tie.

- Yes!
- I'm not gonna make

those kind of false,
big promises.

- God, we're gonna
have to start working now.

- I'm not a person
that focuses on aesthetics.

And when I know that I'm gonna
be in a situation

where it's all focused
on a certain look,

of course I get
a little uncomfortable.

I'm out of my element.
- Hey, hi!

- Hi!
- How are you?

- Good. Thanks for coming.
- Dorit,

you're here.
- I'm here.

- I was on time and have you
called anybody a [BLEEP] yet?

- [laughs] So you just talked
to Kyle about it, I see.

- Hello!
- What? The on time?

I just don't like the fact

that she's just
exaggerating times

and making me out to be, like,
a, you know a real idiot

and a bad guy and it's like,
Teddi, come on,

for crying out loud.

- I'm staying out of it.
I wasn't there.

I wasn't there, wasn't there,
wasn't there.

- That's never stopped you
before.

- It never has, has it?

I'm good right now.
I'm good!

- What are you good with?

- I'm just good.
I don't have any beef

with anybody in this moment.

- Well, I might
have some with you.

- Why?
- I did hear that you

kind of were mentioning
about my husband.

- Which is fine.
- I didn't mention

about your husband.

What did I...about your husband?

- Just because it was
that "Page Six" thing.

- Oh, I'm...
- You know what?

It's up for public consumption,

so it's okay, absolutely...
- That's why I brought it up.

If you wanna talk about it,
it's up to you.

- I just mentioned it
because I'd read about it

and I said, you know,
how you doing?

And what, you know,
what's going on?

- No, it's okay, I've been
talking about it

all bloody morning.

- I mean, it was in the paper,

so, you know, come on.
- Yes, I know.

- Was it you that put it there?
- I didn't put it in the paper.

- I know. I'm not...
- Give me a break.

Seems a little bit like
it's typical, old Rinna.

You know, bringing up something

that is obviously
hurtful to us.

Why wouldn't she
talk to me first?

- It was nothing malicious
at dinner.

We were just talking
about it 'cause it was...

- Okay, but you know,
I'd just like to clean it up

right then and there.
- Really?

You're upset
with me over that?

Because it's all over "TMZ"
and "Page Six."

Please.

She doesn't have
a beef with me.

She doesn't wanna
talk about it.

And you better believe
I'm gonna talk about it.

[slurps]

- Yeah.
- I'm gonna go for a pink one,

of course.
- You can go ahead.

- Wow.

- I've made that for Slate.
- Slate.

- Yeah.
- Aww, thank you.

- Hi!
- Hello!

- You guys are not casual.
That is not casual.

- It's pajamas basically.
- That is not casual.

Why?
- How are you?

- Hi!
- But I'm in sweats.

I'm in sweats.
- I know, I'm in casual.

- Hi.
- Nice to see you.

- How are you?
Thanks for coming.

- Thanks for having me over.
- How's Tom?

- He's good.
- He loves the pain.

- A major pain in the a*s.
- When Ken broke his leg,

I nearly broke the other one.

- I was telling Tom,
I said, you know,

you've never been at home
this much in the entire


we've been together,

and I really like it.

But you know what?

I do need a little escape.

The guy's getting
on my nerves.

- Teddi's saying that I told
you...I wanna clear this up...

That I told you she left
after six minutes.

Is that what I told you?
- No, not left.

Six minutes, you got a call
saying you were worried,

or a text.
- Exactly.

- Which is what
I just told you.

- You said 18 minutes.
- No, no.

I said you sent me a text
after six minutes

and I called you after 18.

- Dorit's energy level
is, like,

very over the top.

- But I'm telling you, I
thought we were meeting at 4:30

- Did you think I said
she left after six...

- No, I'm saying at 36 minutes,

and she's saying
it's six minutes.

That's our issue.
- Between her and Teddi

and they're screaming and
they're going back and forth

and back and forth
and back and forth.

And I'm just like,
I just want a massage.

So am I off the hook
that I never said that she...

- Yeah, no.
You never said that.

- Okay Thank you.
Holy sh...

- Coming up...

- It's the C-word.
It was a little harsh.

And it was the,
"Camille I want you to be

a godfather
and get a strap-on."

And I was like...

- It's hot here.

- Hey, you. Muah.
How are you?

- Hi, missy.
- Hey!

- Camille's come from Missouri.
- Yeah.

- Are you?
- You look great.

Hey, beautiful.
- Ugh.

- Hi, you okay?
- Yeah!

- Sorry about your hubby.
- I don't need this to go.

This is the most childish thing
I've ever had

a conversation about.
- Great, then let's drop it.

- Lovely. Dropped.

Finally!

Thank you.

- Look at me,
I'm laying right down.

- Since maybe
nobody else is getting one.

This glam circle
is like the circle of death.

[laughs] It's the worst.

So not relaxing.

So not fun.

Hi! I didn't even see you!

Come get a treatment.

- So that's
a whole other thing.

She had said that
another girl in the group

was really offended
and blah, blah, blah, blah.

- What?

- Camille, you're
a stupid [BLEEP]!

- Just apologize.

- Wait till they're done.
Right now, could we all

just have a damn treatment?
- Babe, you're so there!

- Oh, God, I gotta...
- I'm in a good place with you.

I'm out, I'm out.
I'm good.

- We just had a fun talk.
- Dorit.

- I...I...hey.

I left home to get, like,
some peace.

I'm coming to a glam circle.

Instead, I enter, like,
a hen circle.

[imitating bickering]

- Lay down, you need it.
- That's so rude.

- It's great for the neck,
under your eyes.

- Speak for yourself, Rinna.

I'm tight as a hoo-ha.

- [laughs] Tight as a hoo...

Who's hoo-ha is that tight?

- Maybe she can...
- [laughs]

We do that, too.
- Do you?

- Yeah, look.
- I need that,

probably, don't I?
- Yeah, I'll do that.

- No you won't.

- I guess I could help Lisa
Rinna out down there.

I mean, I'm not saying
I'm a surgeon.

I mean, but I guess
I could take up the slack.

I mean, if you just
pass me a needle and thread,

we could get started.

Gloves, please.

- So I'm gonna start
by cleansing.

Where do we wanna focus?
Where do you wanna see

the tightening effect?
- Oh, I'm just here to relax.

Just a hand massage is fine.
- Okay, let's do that.

Yes, perfect.
- You're high-strung,

has anyone ever told you that?

- Here, let me see
what I can help with here.

- I'm high strung?
No, I'm very relaxed.

- Do you do any laser here?

'Cause she has a big situation
going on down here.

- It was as I opened
my trousers,

moths flew out.
[laughter]

- Dust, cactus, tumbleweed.

- That's such a lie.
I'm probably more active

than any of you.
- Probably, Lisa.

- Now who protests too much?
- Well, I'm definitely

more active than
Erika is right now.

I know what that's like.

- Honey. That's okay,
I could use a break.

- That's so nice.
- Wow!

- Oh, with the wind, too.
- Right?

I hired the wind
to come just now.

- That looks good, actually.
- Looks pretty good, right?

- Yeah. Don't stop there.
Keep going.

[both laugh]

Why do I enjoy being such a
b*tch to Lisa Rinna?

I don't know.
If poking fun

at Lisa Rinna
was a professional sport,

I would probably
get a medal for it.

- You like my money plant?
- [gasps]

- I do. It's a terrarium.
- Money and love.

What else am I gonna
get with this?

- It's so cute.
- What are the pink

and the purple?
- We used to make terrariums.

- We have amethyst
and then rose quartz.

- And what do those do?
- This is cute, you guys.

- So the rose quartz is more
for, like, serenity.

The amethyst...
- Serenity and calm.

- Is like calmness.

- Thank you.
- What's this for?

Here, take another one.
Here, take some more.

- Excuse me.
Sorry, guys.

Okay, thank you.
Lovely to see you all.

- So we've got a couple
different modalities here.

What we're gonna
be doing today

is body contouring,
skin tightening,

fat reduction,
cellulite reduction.

- Is it the wrong time
while she's relaxing

to go say, Camille...

[both laugh]

Oh, my God.

You know I'm a stupid girl
with a stupid sense of humor.

You know I would never, ever,
ever...

I didn't mean anything. I
totally appreciate you being...

upset and hurt

and like, Dorit, where the hell
did that come from?

- It's the C-word.
It was a little harsh.

And it was the godfather thing.

There was a lot of things
that were said.

- What godfather thing?
- "Camille, I want you

to be a godfather
and get a strap-on."

I was like...

- Camille, would you put
the strap-on on?

Just for the very...
- Dorit, Dorit.

- Just a silly moment
and silly joke.

But I know when I'm wrong
and if I've hurt someone ever.

As a cause of my actions,
I'm the first one

that will say I'm so sorry.

- I feel like Dorit's apology
is sincere.

She seems ashamed by it,
embarrassed by it.

But I'm not sure if I could
have a relationship

with Dorit at this point.

I would have to take a lot for
me to trust this woman.

Like I said, I'm feeling...
- I want you to relax

and have a good time,
I don't wanna make this

the theme of the night, yeah?
- Yeah.

I agree.
- This concludes

my apology tour.

It's definitely not the most
restful glam circle

I've ever been to.
Oh, God.

I have to make it better.
- Thank you.

- Lunch?
- Yes, that'll be nice.

I'll bring my strap-on.
- [laughs]

I'll bring my strap-on.

- Next time on
"The Real Housewives

of Beverly Hills"...

- I don't like feeling like

I have to be something else

to make other people
feel comfortable.

- She's like a kick back
type of girl.

She's sweet, though.
- She is sweet.

I didn't think
we had a problem.

- Uh.
- Two months after

we were dating,
she tells me

that her dad
is John Mellencamp.

- He was like... [goofy laugh]
[laughter]

- PK's 50th birthday party,
I'm sure you're invited.

- Yeah.

- Oh, my God.
Look how cool that is!

- I'm just sticking my face
in the caviar.

- Whoo-hoo!

- And here you go.
- Are you singing?

- Uh, okay.

- You are psycho.
You're psycho.

- To learn more
about the housewives,