08x07 - Birthday Fever

[bunniefuu]

- Previously on

"The Real Housewives
of Beverly Hills."..

- Tom got in a car accident by
our house and broke his ankle.

- Oh, my God.
- And so he's gonna

have to have a little surgery
to have it,

you know, put back together.

- To thank them, I want to do
something nice for them.

And, you know,
I'm, like, the world's worst

event planner
and non-girly girl,

- Let me just
tell you something.

If you ever, ever, ever

think you're gonna
be late for Teddi,

just assume that she's
not gonna wait for you.

- No, I feel like, you know,

I shouldn't be
drinking the wine

out of the champagne glass.

- There are different glasses

for different kinds of drinks
for a reason.

- No, it was just...
it was an oversight.

I sat there
for one hour, Dorit.

- Okay, don't be
ridiculous, Teddi.

[upbeat music]

- In this town,
fame and money come and go,

but friends should not.

♪ ♪

- Some people call me cold.

But that's not ice...
it's diamonds.

♪ ♪

- I believe in
an excess of everything,

except moderation.

♪ ♪

- Having the best
isn't important to me,

but being my best is.

♪ ♪

- I don't have to buy it,
'cause I already own it.

♪ ♪

- The queen of diamonds

always has an ace
up her sleeve.

♪ ♪

[energetic pop music]

♪ ♪

- Hi.

- Good to see you.
You look like a rock star.

Oh, I forgot,
that's right, you are.

- You're so sweet.
How are you, baby?

- Good. How are you?
- Nice to see you.

I haven't been over here
in a long time.

♪ ♪

- Every time I come here...
- Welcome, girls.

- Hi, how are you?

Remember the scene
in "Pretty Woman"

when she was shopping and
they just wouldn't help her?

- Big, big, mistake.
- Yeah.

- That feels like me
every day.

- I'm so into velvet right now.

I love that you can wear it
year round now.

Who knew? Before,
we were breaking the law.

- Now we're in.
- So how's Tom doing?

- You know what?
He's doing great.

- Oh, good.
- His stitches'll be out soon,

and he'll be back
at the office.

- Oh, good.

- I've actually enjoyed
taking care of Tom.

And he's been nothing
but sweet and warm and good.

Yeah, he can be bratty,
but at the same time,

there's something
very sweet about it.

I like this.
- That is very cute.

Let me see the back of it.

- My life changed dramatically
after I was married to Tom

because I was now
living his life.

I was a c*ck waitress,

and he was my customer
for a year

before we ever
went out on a date.

So, mother.....er,
I am "Pretty Woman," okay?

Let's be very serious.

I like this.
I'm gonna get this.

I went down
to drive Paganis with Dorit.

- You and Dorit together?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

With her driving.

- I swear to God,
I'm sexually aroused right now.

- I told you that!
I told you, my d*ck got hard.

- [giggles]

- Can I give you this?
Thank you.

But we had a nice time.

You know,
PK's 50th birthday party.

- Yeah.
- I'm sure you're invited.

And it's a 007 party.

- I'm planning a surprise


He's like my James Bond.

- Is it kind of like
a 007 theme?

- Yes.

- But, yeah,
so we had a nice time.

We drove Paganis.

- Anyone buy one?

- You know they're, like,
a couple million bucks?

Something like two to three.

- So, like I said,
did anyone buy one?

- No.
- Just kidding. [laughs]

- But I did drive it around.

- Oh, my God.
- It was cool, though.

- Kyle, it's the first time

I've ever been alone
with Dorit.

- She's fun, right?
- Yes.

There wasn't that air
of sometimes pretension.

It was just Dorit,
and, you know,

we had a chance
to really communicate.

- All right,
girls, so yours is 342.

Yours is 300.
- My credit card got stuck.

- Nice seeing you guys.

- Oh, thank you so much,
sweetheart.

- Thank you so much.
- All right, see you guys soon.

- We didn't have
a "Pretty Woman" moment.

They were nice to us. [laughs]
- Yeah.

Well, I don't want the old days
where they were mean to me.

- No.
[both laughing]

♪ ♪

- I have to drink more water.
I'm dehydrated.

- Yes, you do.

- I have a question.
- Yeah?

- For all of these parts
that you're getting...

- Oh, right.

You know, I'm gonna do "Days."
- Yes.

- It's gonna go at the
same time as "The Middle."

- Okay.
- "Days" needs 2.5 days.

- When's the last time
you did "Days"?

- Seven years, eight years?

- Oh, it was that long?
- Yeah.

- Okay. Okay.

- And then "The Middle"
shoots for two to three days.

If you're gonna endure
in this business

and you're a woman

and you're turning 40,

you better find
something else to do

because this town
is built on 20-year-old girls.

- How many times
have you gone back

and, like, done the role?

- Twice.
- Oh, okay.

- One of the smartest things
I've done

is start to branch myself out
early in my career

and do things that
people offered me

that most people
wouldn't have done.

- And then is QVC coming?

- QVC's on the 18th and 19th.
- Okay.

- I didn't have any dry spells
because I just kept going on

in these different areas...

Okay, watch for it.

Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, look at that.

- Mm-hmm, yeah.
- Right?

- [laughs]
- Okay, Jackie, your turn.

Which made my career lane
this big

as opposed to this big.

Oh, my God,
are you kidding me?

I just got an email...
- Okay.

- From Amelia,
and Harry has agreed

to get a puppy.

- Oh, stop it.

- Shut up.
- No.

- Lorena!

Look what Harry
said we can get.

- [gasps]
There's a puppy.

- Look.
- Lola.

- Look who came in.

- [sighs deeply]

I mean, Harry's in Canada.
He's having a great old time.

He's not here.

And I've got QVC,

I've got "The Middle,"

"Days of our Lives," momager.

Who's gonna take care
of the puppy?

- You are,
and you're gonna love it.

- No, I'm not.

You want to add a puppy
into the mix?

Do you want to k*ll me?

Do you...Like, what?

Who's taking care of it?
- Me.

I will just be
its fairy godmother.

[string music]

♪ ♪

- Hey, Teddi.

- Hi, how's it going?

Thanks for having me.
This is so great.

- So I've got this guy.

Do you want to trot
round here with him?

- Sure.

♪ ♪

What an awesome experience.

So, you can just...
whenever you come stay...

- No, they just do it for me.

When I found out
there were stables...

And I said, "Can I bring"...

I do it,
like, every few weeks...

come down here so I can
spend time with my friends.

I absolutely love

the Fairmont Grand Hotel
in Del Mar

because I can actually spend
the night

right next to my horse,
which I can't do at home

because he's in a stables


And so I love that,
and I do it as often as I can.

- So these saddles are
different than what I ride in

because they're
dressage saddles.

You're a good rider.
- [clicking tongue]

No, not like you.
- Yes.

You do not give yourself
enough credit.

- Oh, please,

I've been riding for years,
but I'm not like you.

- Well...

I've rode my whole life.
It's different.

- I love the fact
that you're into it.

To have a friend that
rides with you is great.

Come on, let's go up there.

[upbeat music]

- Oh, this is like
a little mini paradise here.

- Let's go down here.
- Oh, cool.

♪ ♪

- Shh.

- Nice to kind of get away
from all the noise

that LA can bring.
- Yeah.

My horse is obsessed with...
obsessed.

- Hey, did you want
something to eat?

Prince, it is not lunch.

- He only speaks French.
[shouts in French]

- Oh, sorry,
I took six years of French.

This is what I know...
bonjour.

- No, really?
- [laughs]

- Yes, Prince.

Never had a horse that
I feel so safe on as him.

Should we have
some tea or something?

- Perfect.
I would love that.

[mellow music]

- How often do you ride?

- Well, now it's been hard with
work and the kids and stuff,

but I try to ride
at least once or twice a week.

- Okay, Gig.

- Hi, Gig.

- Oh, yes.
- Very first-class treatment.

I would need zero hands

to show how many times
Edwin has served

my guests and I.
[laughs]

Oh, thanks, guys.
Such a little treat.

- I know.

Come eat a bit of a muffin,
come on.

- I'm not eating a muffin.
- Really?

- Mm-mm.
- Teddi told me

that she was 200 pounds once.

- 200 pounds?
I can't believe that.

- Well, you just don't look
like you're that body type.

- It happened.

- Oh, my God,
thanks for the spa day,

but it had to be,
like, the least relaxing day

I've ever experienced.

- It definitely
was not relaxing.

I don't like feeling like...
[dog barks]

I have to be something else

to make other people
feel comfortable.

I already am awkward enough
hosting people at my home.

In the big scheme of things,
I would've loved to say...

Like, our beach house
is about to become available.

We've had renters
in it all summer.

- Where is it?
Where's the beach house?

- It's in Orange County.
It's, like, in Dana Point.

- All right, lovely.
- Nice.

- I'm obsessed
with our beach house

because it's
the perfect family home.

It's beautiful there.
It's right on the sand.

It's in this
beautiful gated community.

We can sleep with
the doors open...it's safe.

It's kind of
everything we wanted,

and it's the perfect getaway

for when we want
to leave Los Angeles.

I would love to be able to say,
"That was such a fun day.

I would love to invite
everybody to my beach house."

- But you wouldn't do that?
- No, not right now.

I don't want to have to worry
what wine glass goes where.

- Yeah, but you know what?
Teddi, come on.

[silly music]

- We'll see. I may just have
to keep it small.

- I don't understand.
Who cares?

It's like saying,

"You don't want to get in my
Rolls-Royce because it's dirty?

Really? [BLEEP] off."

Who else has got a beach house?

- Maybe it's my own thing,

but when I come in
and somebody says,

"Oh, they poured my wine
in the wrong glass."

- I love how I got it
in the champagne glass.

Thank you very much.
- Oh, did we both...

We both switched it off.

I'm like, "I don't .....ing
care. Then go take it"...

- Who said that?
- It doesn't matter.

- Now I'm really interested.
Who said that?

- I'm not gonna tell you, Lisa.

- Oh, for God's sake.
- But the point is...

- Don't give me a little bit
and then take it away.

- Whomever it was,

they poured the drink
in the wrong glass,

and I remember thinking
in that moment, "Ugh."

- I think I know who it is.

- I'll just be sipping my tea.
- It wouldn't be Dorit...

because she wouldn't mind

what glass she drank
the rosé out of.

- What do you think, Giggy?

♪ ♪

- Coming up...

- Boy George said,

"I think you and I
should sing 'Fever.'"

- Uh, okay.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Corey, is it as good inside
as it is outside?

- Of course.

How you doing?
How are you, babe?

- My God, it's huge!

Just seeing this
as he's walking up.

Hello.

- How are you?
Welcome. I'm John Jacob.

- Hi. Dorit Kemsley.

I want this party
to be extravagant.

It's PK's 50th birthday party.

- Hey.
- Whoo!

- I'm dressed up for boating.
What are you dressed up for?

- You look gorgeous.

So, with this idea in mind...

that I want a very exclusive,
glamorous event.

- We have an ice bar
coming in over here,

a caviar station.

- Champagne, caviar.
- Champagne.

- Lisa Vanderpump is, like,

the best person
for me to go to.

- PK's gonna love this
when he gets the bill.

[laughter]

Oh, my God,
this caviar is so good.

Happy birthday, PK.

- I guess a responsible
amount of money

for a birthday party
is somewhere

in between a Ranger Rover
and a Rolls-Royce.

Okay, let's go see
the other floors, yeah?

- So this is the dining room.

- How many people
is this set for right now?

- This is really set
for 225.

- Oh, good. I've got 100.
- Oh, wow.

- So this is not gonna be
super tight, Lisa.

- Yeah, yeah.
- I wanted it really...

for us to be able to move...
- Yes.

- And not feel claustrophobic.
- Sure.

- Over here, we have
high boys down the center

then a lounge section, cigar.

- Also, PK and I are gonna fly
over the boat in a helicopter.

- Is it landing over here?

- No, we can't land
on the boat, yeah.

- Pier 52 is over there.

- How long
does it take from LA?

- It's rush hour.
- Oh, it's rush hour, sh...

- Dorit needs to focus,

and sometimes I find
she gets a little scattered.

This is typical Dorit.

- Should we go
downstairs quickly?

- She's flying in people

from London as a surprise.

She wants PK to arrive
on a helicopter.

- So you have a craps table,
roulette table.

You have your band over there.
- Yeah.

- Dessert buffet station.

- You know, there's only
a few days to do it in.

Oh, right, anything else
you want to do this week?

- Lisa, Boy George said,

"I think you and I
should sing 'Fever.'"

- Uh, okay.

- I spoke to Erika today.

I'm like,
"George wants me to sing.

Do you have any advice for me?"

- Do you need help?
- Maybe, I might.

- I can help you.
- Really?

- Yeah, of course.
Like, Mikey and I can help you

move around a little.
- Oh, that sounds fun.

- He'd be perfect
for that sh...

He did it for years
with the Dolls.

- Ugh.

- So you're telling me
not to do it?

- She's not a good friend
of yours...I'm a good friend.

I'm telling you,
don't embarrass yourself.

- Yes, but you're not a singer.
How are you gonna help me?

- Have you seen
the kind of moves she does?

She's crawling on all fours
with her a*s in the air.

- I feel nervous.

- I feel nervous for you.
- Yeah.

You should be encouraging me,
sweetheart.

- You know, Teddi came down
to go riding with me.

- Please don't tell me
she's still bothered

about me being late and...
- No.

I don't think she's used to
entertaining at her house.

Somebody was worried
about what glass

they were
drinking out of.

- Is that what she said?

That was me.
- That was you?

It wasn't a big deal.
She didn't say Dorit said that.

I had not a clue it was you.

I mean, not everybody
feels as comfortable,

you know, around lavish
kind of lifestyles.

- My friends don't do things
they don't want to do

to try and impress someone.

And if you are,

then you're already
putting the wrong foot forward.

- She's sweet, though.
- She is sweet.

I didn't think
we had a problem.

This is all very new to me.

- No, hold on a second.
No, no.

Stop right there.
There's not a problem.

I cannot stress that.
- But, Lisa...

- She just said,
"I don't feel comfortable."

And I respect that.
- But then why is she doing it?

I don't understand.

- But she wasn't
creating a problem.

- And I mentioned about
the glass, Lisa, very simply,

because I do
pay attention to those things.

- Look, Dorit, like myself,

has enjoyed
the finer things in life,

and there's nothing
wrong with that.

I don't think she should
be putting Teddi down,

but if she just wants the right
drink out of the right glass,

I don't think
that makes her judgmental

and high maintenance,
personally.

She's like a kick-back type of
girl, do you know what I mean?

Like, what you're doing here
for PK now

she wouldn't normally do...
she wouldn't do that.

- Well, what the hell
does that matter to me?

I don't give a sh...
- Ugh.

- I'm finding her to be
a little bit tightly wound.

[electronic music]

♪ ♪

- Thank you.

- I wonder if they're here yet.

Are we late or on time?

- Um, a little, but not much.

- Hi.
- How are you?

- Hi, guys.

- Good. How are you?
- Good to see you.

- Hey. How are you doing?
- Good to see you.

- I'm sorry
we're a little late.

- Oh, no worries.
- Oh no, we didn't even notice.

It's different.
I'm with my husband.

- Oh, my God,
I heard about that.

- Only six minutes.
Just kidding. [laughs]

- It was an hour.

- To me, the Beverly Hills
grace period is ten minutes,

because there's always traffic
and it's unpredictable.

But 15 or 20 minutes,
you're rude.

- Margarita on the rocks,
no salt,

and then I'll have
the same thing,

but with a little salt
on the rim.

- You got it.
- You order for her?

- [laughs]
- Aw.

- You order for me.
- I know. That's...

- All right, I'm gonna have
the chilled asparagus,

the beets, broccolini,

and let's get a salmon,
and I'll have a bite.

- Okay.
- Absolutely.

- Can I have the skirt steak,
and he'll have the skirt steak.

The gentleman will have
the skirt steak.

- You got it.

- What's going on
with the beach house?

- [scoffs] I haven't even
talked to you about it yet...

- Yeah, what are we doing?

- I'm coming for a sleepover.
- Yeah, so...

- It's a cottage.

It's, like,
a five-bedroom with...

Two of the rooms
are twin beds.

- I'd love to see
Lisa Vanderpump

sleep in the same...
[laughter]

- Like, I am a casual person,

and I like
easygoing things.

Like, I don't have to be
the perfect host,

and my other friends
know that,

and they like me because of it.

- Anyway, honey,
it's PK's 50th birthday.

It's a surprise.

- I haven't
told him yet either.

It's on Wednesday.

- You need to pretend
I never told you.

- What did you just tell me?
- Thank you.

- You guys have been together
how long now?

- Eight years?

- Yeah, almost nine years.

- Two months after
we were dating,

she tells me that her dad
is John Mellencamp,

- I didn't say it like that.
- No, no, you didn't.

- I was not picturing you
saying that, trust me.

- And there's this black SUV,

and, like,
three big-a*s dudes come out.

Then I see John dressed in
black with some black shades.

Holy sh... This guy's...
- John Mellencamp.

- It's
John .....ing Mellencamp.

- He was like...
[squeals awkwardly]

[laughter]

He said two lines to you
within the first ten minutes.

He was like, "One,
I did a background check."

And then he had...
The big security guard

in front of him
goes like this...

- Like, krrr!

- For as long
as I can remember,

any boy, man, friend, anyone
that came into my life

my dad made it clear...
don't eff with my daughter.

- So Spanish is your first
language, like my husband.

[both speaking Spanish]

- I can understand
a little bit, guys.

- You understand that?

- She speaks Spanish perfect.

- Don't you love
when they speak Spanish?

- That made me...I was like,

"Okay, let's wrap
this dinner up."

[laughter]

- I mean,
he could say anything, like...

[speaking Spanish]

And I'm like, love it.

- In the bedroom,
she understands.

[laughter]

- All she knows is...

- Coming up...

- Turn and walk away from his
a*s 'cause you don't need him.

It's like tango, it's like
hooking on Sunset.

- You people are crazy.

[mellow music]

- [whispering]
Honestly,

my heart can't take
the stress anymore.

I promise you.

- [whispering indistinctly]

- Don't even look over me.
You're freaking me out.

I've got to sit here.

Where is he?
I don't know where he is.

- I think he's in there.
- But the thing is...

I'm going to rehearse
with George.

- Oh, yeah, okay.
- So he has no idea.

He keeps asking me,
"Where are you going?"

I said, "Oh, I want to take
George shopping."

- [giggles]

- I've got my in-laws
on a plane right now.

My parents fly in today.

All of his friends
arrive today.

PK's gonna be so surprised
when he sees his parents,

because neither one of them
like to fly,

let alone 12 hours.

My phone
is gonna be flooding.

[computer beeps]

♪ ♪

- Baby?
- [squeaks]

You know, I had my eyes tested.
- No.

- Oh, honey,
they're a woman's...

- You hate them? George?

George,
do you like these glasses?

- Yeah, I do.
- What?

- I think they could be
a little bit bigger.

They're a bit small
on your head.

- You don't like them?
- Did you go alone?

- Yeah.

- Hello. PK, you should never
go shopping on your own.

- Ever.

PK, George and I
are going out.

[upbeat music]

- Where you guys
going tonight?

- It's an agency event at one
of Mauricio's properties.

♪ ♪

[dog barking]
- Oh, goodness, hi.

Hello?

- Pardon my appearance.

Welcome to my gorgeous home.
- It's quite lovely. Wow.

- Can you believe this?
- Look at your marble.

- [sighs]
- [gasps]

- That is not the way
it's supposed to be.

I'm not even kidding right now.

- What? Really?
- Where's the black?

White, black, white black...

- Uh-oh.

- My house is a disaster zone.

I may be moving.

I mean, the floors were only

phase one of the renovation.

And I have already been
living like this

with my floors
for a month and a half.

Come upstairs.
I need to...

I mean, at this rate, I'm gonna
be here for years like this.

- I could do this
in the backroom.

You look so cute.
What are you getting ready for?

- I have to go to this event
with Mauricio tonight.

My hair...Dorit's trying
to get me to cut it.

- I like your hair.

- Dorit's planning...
You're going to...

- Going tomorrow night.
- Yeah, fun.

- Marina del Rey...
that means a boat.

- [gasps]
- Right?

- I hate boats...
[laughs]

- Oh, no.

- Let's go to Amsterdam
on a boat.

No bueno.

- Pick on somebody
your own size.

Pick on somebody your own...

♪ ♪

- Dubai on a boat...

no bueno.

Roll your eyes all you want.

- Ugh, I hate this.
- I tried.

- Hong Kong on a junk boat.

Big, fat no bueno.

- Don't you ever
get in my face, Lisa.

- Dorit, [BLEEP] off.

We're never good on boats.

- I thought you saw the text

from Teddi,
inviting us to her house.

- I did. I can't go.
- What are you doing?

- I'm doing "Days"
and "The Middle."

- She was a little nervous

that some of the ladies
in the group...

- The fancy ladies. Oh.
- That's what she was feeling...

I think intimidated
a little bit by that.

- Oh, yeah, it was an
interesting, long invitation,

like, you can stay here
or a hotel.

I think she wants everyone
to feel comfortable.

"Hi, I don't have
everyone's email addresses,

so here is
the world's longest text."

With a crying smiley face.

"If you guys are around
on Tuesday/Wednesday

"and want to come
to Dana Point,

"we'd love to have you.

"If you would be
more comfortable,

"you could stay
at a nearby hotel.

"I'm not a master chef
by any means

"and normally do
a pot luck kind of thing.

"I have some wine and margs"...
which are margaritas...

"Cardio workout,
shower, bike ride, brunch."

Phew.

"Then head back to LA."

I guess it's funny
to do pot luck

from Beverly Hills
to Dana Point.

Like, what would you bring?
You have to bring a cooler.

- I was thinking
to make lasagna.

I guess I do have
to bring a cooler.

Do I even own a cooler?

- And what would
Vanderpump bring?

- Yeah.
- Her chicken.

- Reach inside his bottom.
[giggles]

- What do you do
with this stuff?

- Put it in your handbag.
What do you mean?

- I'll put it in my handbag.

- I can just picture Dorit
coming up with a cooler

in her rose-gold Bentley...
- Oh, my God.

- Bringing her
favorite dish she's made.

- What would be
Dorit's favorite dish?

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- We're back at it.

- Back at the scene
of the crime.

[jazzy remix
of "Fever" playing]

- ♪ Never know
how much I love you ♪

♪ Never know how much I care ♪

both:
♪ You give me fever ♪

- Huh!

- I don't even
know where you are.

- We don't have to do,
like, a four-hour version.

We can do a short version.

Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi!

- George, this is Mikey.

- George said, "Dorit,

get up on stage
and sing with me."

First, I thought, "No way."

- The more into it
and the more you sell it,

the better it comes off.

- And then I thought,
"My God,

"what a gift to be able
to give to PK...

"to see two of his best friends
in the world

standing there,
belting it out for him."

He deserves it.

- This is,
like, the perfect song.

I was like, "You know what?
This is a talky song."

- Right.
- That's what I told her.

She's like,
"I'm not a singer."

I'm like, "That's not
the point...act it out."

Channel your best
Billie Holiday. [groans oddly]

- Remember, you've got
more time than you think.

♪ Never know how much I ♪

- Go very slow.
- Follow the beat.

- What if you did
the first part

with the mic on the stand?

And then maybe
once George joins in,

you can maybe take it off,
and he goes, "Ba-dum,"

and we can give you
a little hip,

and then you can maybe
move around a little bit.

- Sex talk.
- Right.

- I like that idea.

I think the most
important thing to remember

when you're on stage
is eye contact.

You have to look at somebody.

You have to draw
the audience in.

You hold this,
and you look straight down...

legs a little wide.

- Like this?
- Yeah.

And when you do that,
you pull it away.

Stare someone down.

Dare them not to like
your performance...

like this one.

- Ow. So sexy.
- Watch your teeth.

- Watch your .....ing teeth,
'cause you will knock them out.

- Exactly.
- Push, push, push your a*s up.

- Oh, yeah, honey.

- Yeah?
- Yes.

- Yes?
[laughs]

- Last verse,
I think you should deliver

to him very sultry,
and at the very last minute,

you turn and
walk away from his a*s

'cause you don't need him.
- It's like tango.

- Worse.
It's like hooking on Sunset.

So you...
It's much worse.

- You people are crazy.
- [laughing] I know.

- You're actually
a lot better than you think.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- When you go down
and you start giving me

that smize eye,
I believe you.

And I've seen a lot of girls
drop down to the song.

Walk, diva, Beyoncé.

And work it, work it,

you're singing to the audience,
hip, hip, hip, hip.

- When I want to pull it away,
it does that.

- Yeah, you want to keep it...
you want to keep it right here.

- Now, I don't want you
too tipsy for this performance.

- No, I want to nail this.

- Yeah,
and then after you're done,

- Boom.
- Have a great time.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Exactly.

- I think it's gonna be great.

- Coming up...

- We've got to yell
"surprise," okay?

- When he sees his parents,

he is going to lose his mind.

- Oh, my God.

[mellow music]

♪ ♪

- [sighs]

♪ ♪

Baby?

- Hi, my love.

- Well, come outside.

I'll tell you
what you're gonna wear.

- You look lovely,
You look gorgeous.

Why have you got me
dressed like that, then?

- Because I want you to.

- It's a little bit
over the top for dinner, bubba.

- Well, I think you
should just go with it.

PK doesn't know anything.

He thinks we're having
a casual dinner

on his actual birthday,
but he doesn't realize

that I've got a whole
huge party.

Honey, what do you think
we're doing?

- Party, isn't it?

Hmm?

- I mean, there's
a lot of different pieces

that need to happen.

I need to get him there,

and then I need to get him
on the helicopter,

from the helicopter
onto a yacht,

from the yacht
into a speed boat

and to another yacht.

I want you dressed
like James Bond

because you are
my James Bond.

- I speak like him.
That's the only thing.

- No, for me,
you are like him.

[electronic music]

♪ ♪

- Jay, make sure you have
someone go through

and just make sure
everything is even.

- Yeah, we're gonna do that.
- Okay, cool.

Here's the other four tables

for the poker tables or
blackjack, whatever you need.

♪ ♪

- This is gonna be crazy.

I'll just go sideways.

If I fall in the water,
somebody grab me a life vest.

- Hold on.
- Slow.

- Ah!

Um...

Isn't there, like, a golf cart?

- Can you not gallop down here?

'Cause I'm on stilts.

Now, good luck with me leaving.

After a couple glasses
of champagne...

- Let me just see
if I can hold on to this.

- I'm probably gonna
end up a*s over tit.

- Oh, my God.

All right...Ugh.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Hello. Good to see you.
- You look beautiful. Mwah.

- Hi.
- How's it going?

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Gorgeous girls.
- You're looking gorgeous.

♪ ♪

- Hello!

- Hi, honey.
- Nice to see you.

- You look cute. Thank you.
- You look gorgeous.

- Do you know Rachel,
Dorit's mother?

- No, I don't.

- There you go.

- Thank you.
- Great, thank you.

Dorit told me a lot
about her plans.

It's pretty impressive.

- I think she's trying to beat
PK and what he did for her.

[cheering]

- This is your private lounge.
- It is so beautiful.

- Happy birthday, darling.

- It's amazing
what she's done.

- [laughing]
- How are you?

- Always surreal
seeing you again.

- I know!

We did "Celebrity Apprentice"
together.

- That's right, I watched it.
- It was exhausting.

- He did unbelievable.
- You did well, you did well.

- I did okay.
You know what?

I didn't really even know
what I was doing.

So it was kind of fun.
- Hope you enjoy yourselves.

I'm Steve Kemsley.

- Hello, Steve.
Of course, you're...

I was gonna say,
you're PK's brother.

- Nice to meet you.

♪ ♪

- We're moving.
- I know.

- But wait.
Where are Dorit and PK?

- Do you think they're gonna,
like, jump out of cake?

- Isn't this great?
- It is great.

- It's $75.

- Where'd you get it?

- I can get you one downtown.

I got one in black as well.

- I bet that's pretty.

- I mean, this...

looks like it's real.

- It does.

It's really plush.

- I mean, this would
be great over that suit.

- It would be great on my...
- I know!

- I'm thinking the same thing.

I think it's fab.
- Isn't it gorgeous?

- Yeah.

- You're so jealous right now.
I can tell.

♪ ♪

- Baby, where are
we going, honey?

I don't know this area.

[suspenseful music]

Baby, this is an airport.

We're taking a jet somewhere.

We're going to Vegas,
aren't we?

[sighs]

- We're not going
on an airplane.

- What, we're going in a heli?

♪ ♪

[helicopter whirring]
- Happy 50th, baby.

[mellow music]

Wow, it is just beautiful
up here, isn't it?

- Amazing, bub.
Thank you.

- Hello, everybody.

I'd like to thank you all
for being here.

As you know, PK and Dorit
are not on the yacht yet,

but he will be flying over us
very shortly.

[upbeat music]

- Oh!
- There he is.

- Oh, my God,
look how cool that is!

♪ ♪

- We're landing on a boat.

- How are you feeling, baby?

♪ ♪

- Thank you, guys.
- Sure.

♪ ♪

- Am I going in heels?

- Bobby's gonna come in first,
then let you...

- Oh, dear Lord,
have mercy on my soul.

- They're alive.
- Yes.

- They're on it now.
- Oh, yeah.

- It's a momentous moment.
- Aw.

- Did you fly over,
then, yesterday?

- I came here
on Saturday evening.

Um, I knew there was
gonna be an event,

but I didn't know any details.
- He didn't know you were here?

- He didn't.
- Amazing.

That's really sweet.

- [smooches]
- I just...I'm clever.

- [giggles]

- But this is your day, too,
you know?

- My day is every day
when I see my son

and my daughter-in-law.

- Aw.

- Hello, everyone.

- We've got to yell
"surprise," okay?

- When he sees his parents,

I know he is going
to lose his mind.

♪ ♪

- Where are we going,
in here?

- Coming up...

- Georgie.

- Whoo!
- Here we go.

- Oh, you're singing?

- We've got to yell

- We've got to yell
"surprise," okay?

- Go ahead, my love.
- Thank you.

How you doing?
Where are we going, in here?

[cheering]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Oh.

[both crying]

You'll be fine.
You'll be fine.

- Yeah.
- Huh?

- All right, son?

You got a surprise party.
- Oh, my God, they're here.

- You can't believe he's here.

- Happy birthday.
- Thank you.

- It's too much to take in.

- You did it. Good job.
- Oh, my God.

- Girl, you did it.
You're halfway through.

- She brought my mum, my dad.
- Yeah.

- [crying]
- Aw.

- To see PK completely
overwhelmed

is just wonderful, really,
because normally

he's the caretaker
of everybody.

And to see him surprised
and so emotional

really makes it all worthwhile.

- Aah!

[laughter]

[muffled chatter]

[crying]

Oh.
- Happy birthday, fella.

- [laughs]
How are you?

Love you, too.

- I poured my heart and soul
into his birthday,

and as emotional and
as appreciative as he is...

means the absolute world
to me.

- I had to smuggle my luggage
out of your house.

It was hilarious. I was like...
- Aw.

Wife's gone...
no, he's gone shopping.

- Oh, my God, I'm just
sticking my face in the caviar.

- Excuse me.

- Would you like
some crème fraiche?

- Yes, babe, just a little bit.
- Got to eat it all, Teddi.

- You try it,
and you tell me the experience.

I'll live it through you.

- I've been eating it for,
like, the last ten minutes.

- These women go weeks
without eating,

but put some caviar
in front of them,

and next thing you know,
they're like... [snorting]

- Hi.

- Oh, look who made it.
You made it.

- Did you come in by canoe?
- Hi, honey.

For all I know,
my husband, like,

Uber-coptered in
at this point.

[laughs]

You know,
there are Uber-copters.

- What a beautiful table.
- I know. Wow.

- Candelabras and flowers...
it's gorgeous.

♪ ♪

Hey!
- Hello!

- How are you?

- I'm good.
- Did you just get here?

- I did, I did.
- Did you take a boat?

- I changed in the parking lot.
- I love you for that.

- [chuckles]

♪ ♪

- Literally, I have
a stomachache about this.

I'm not gonna lie.

- The singing?

- Hey.

Stop flirting
with PK's brother.

♪ ♪

- You know,
you're the only one

who's discouraging me
to do this, Lisa.

- I'm not. I'm just scared
for you... [laughs]

I'm actually quite surprised

that Dorit has actually
got everything together,

because I was here
just a few days ago,

and it was just, like,
everything was up in the air.

- Honey, I want you to eat
a little something.

- Now she's just got
her performance.

I mean, maybe she should quit
while she's ahead.

- Let me tell you...
- I'm gonna do this for him.

- My wife could not have
looked after me better.

I mean, you've given me
the most amazing...

- Oh, stop.
I'm looking after you now.

Look, here we are...
let me do it for you.

- Yes, yes, yes, yes.

- See, I look
after my man, Dorit.

- My goodness, Lisa.

- Are you excited
to go back to work?

- I am.

I'm ready to do this, you know?
- Of course.

- I'm an actress.
It's what I do.

[indistinct chatter]

- All right, just to let
everybody know, we can head up.

On the next two levels, we've
got a casino waiting for you.

- Yeah.

- And we also have some very
special performances coming up,

so everybody
head on upstairs.

- I love you, baby,

I'm just gonna
go to the restroom.

I have my performance to do.

- Are we going down?
Will you just show me where?

- I might just
back out last second,

to be perfectly honest.

I'm dying.

[upbeat jazzy music]

- Yay!

- You know what I'm like
at keeping secrets.

- You kept this one.

Where's Dorit?

- Hip to hip to hip to hip.

Right, slow, languid, cat-like.

- Whoo-hoo!

♪ ♪

- Oh, I got another one.

- If you feel comfortable,
you go down.

And if you get stuck
when you're down there,

it's okay to touch.

It's okay to
push off your hands.

You know what I'm saying?
So just feel it.

- [clears throat]

I just want to have
a little sip of water.

- Dorit, it's gonna be
adorable.

Just get out there, have fun.
Do what we did in rehearsal.

- It's really amazing
to have Erika next to me...

like, "No, Dorit,
you've got this.

"You have got this.

You're gonna nail it.
You can do this."

Oh, my God.

Her support

is the only thing
that's getting me through.

♪ ♪

[indistinct chatter]

Welcome, welcome, welcome.

- I want you to kind of come
a little bit in the center.

- Over here?
- Just, like, right in there.

- You scare me when you're...
- I want you to just do it.

- PK.

- Do not make me cry again.
[light laughter]

- I love you so much.

I was not to let
your 50th go by

without it being epic.

George, will you come help me?

- Georgie.
- This is for you, baby.

- Here we go.

[sultry music playing]
- Oh, you're singing?

- Happy birthday, PK.

both:
♪ You never know how much ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ You never know
how much I care ♪

- Yeah, Dorit!

both:
♪ When you put your arms ♪

♪ Around me ♪

♪ I get a fever ♪

♪ That's so hard to bear ♪

♪ You give me fever ♪

[cheering]

- Let me tell you something...
it takes a lot of ba*ls

to get up and do something...

perform
at your husband's party.

You're standing
next to Boy George.

You've got all
your friends there,

your in-laws, your parents.

both:
♪ Everybody's got the fever ♪

♪ That is something
we all know ♪

- So, good for you, Dorit.
Hats off.

- ♪ When you put
your arms around me ♪

♪ You give me fever
that's so hard to bear ♪

both:
♪ You give me fever ♪

[cheering]

- It's...

It's actually not bad.

It's actually better
than I expected.

- Yeah!
[cheering]

- It was very scary,

but I went, I did it,

and I think I nailed it.

[cheers and applause,
whistling]

- You're insane.

- I love you.

- Whoo!

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Cheers.

- Why don't you do the
same thing that she did?

Try it.

♪ ♪

- Look all right?
- Amazing.

- Dorit got me this.
- Wow.

♪ ♪

- Should we have a quick chat?

- Yeah, of course.

♪ ♪

- Hello.

Oh, my goodness.

I feel so good,
that it's, like, over now.

- And you made
your husband, like...

- So happy.

I wanted to grab you,

because to be honest with you,
I really like you.

I feel like you and I
get on well.

And then I'd heard
a few things.

Lisa Vanderpump told me
that you were like,

"Oh, you know,
I don't like entertaining.

"There were some guests
at my party

"that, you know,
were upset about the glass

they were drinking out of."

- Ugh! Here we go again.

[tense music]

- Coming up...

- You're making sh... up!

- It registered to her.
- Are you her mouthpiece?

- We're all sitting here
talking together.

- No, actually, we're talking.

♪ ♪

[mellow music]

- Lisa Vanderpump told me
that you were like,

"Oh, you know,
I don't like entertaining.

"There were some guests
at my party

"that, you know, were upset

about the glass they were
drinking out of."

She said that you
didn't say specifically,

and I'm like, "Oh my, God."

- You and I are gonna be
a little bit different.

And as long as you can say,

"Yeah, you know what, Teddi?

You're a lot .....ing different
than I am,

and I like you for that."

The same reason that I'm here
supporting you saying,

"I'm impressed by this.

You did something
I wouldn't do."

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Hi-oh. What's happening?
- Glass of Chardonnay.

- We are having
a little chitchat,

I feel so relieved.

- Are we
interrupting something?

both:
No.

- It means the world to me that
you guys were here, though.

Our thing...it's so minute.
It's so silly.

I feel like we let it go,
but then I hear

from my friends, you know,

that you're having
conversations about it.

- I really am somebody
that I will just let it go.

- But you obviously do care
because it upsets you.

But I'm saying,
if you have two glasses there,

then you're obviously stating

there's a difference
between wine and champagne.

And then
she's just choosing to...

- Thank you, Lisa.

- But, like, I feel like

I'm getting
talked down to right now.

- No, you're not,
I don't want to do that at all.

No, I'm not talking
down to you.

- Well, I felt like...

- The fact that I know
a wine glass

other than a champagne glass
is etiquette.

Sorry, I know it.

- I know,
you're better than me in that.


- Stop, it's not being better.

- I don't give a [BLEEP]
about the glass.

- I didn't even say it to her,
I said it to the waiter.

I don't know
where in all of this

I became the villain.

When things aren't a big deal,
I don't say it.

- Well, I just...
- It registered to her,

which is what made her go,
"Oh, my God."

- It registered, which is...
- Are you her mouthpiece?

- No, my darling.
- Are you her spokesperson?

- No, I'm not.
- So why do you keep

chiming in
and speaking for her?

- Because we're all
sitting here talking together.

- No, actually, we're talking.

- What the hell
is Lisa Vanderpump, then?

Are we only allowed to talk
if we're only backing Dorit?

I don't understand
what's happening here.

- I'm trying to talk to you,

and you can only focus
on a glass or whatever it is.

You made me feel
a little weird.

- I wasn't,
like, sitting there...

"I can't focus
on a conversation

because I'm not drinking
out of the right glass."

So to say that
is actually insulting.

You're flat out...
not only exaggerating...

lying!

You're making sh... up!

- No.
- I would never lie.

- Teddi...

- It's been a nice night.

- It's been a really
great night.

- She did a great job tonight.

- I mean,
I was so impressed.

- But to put together
this whole day...

And then she, you know,

ended it with a cute little
performance, and there you go.

- She was calmer
and more grounded

than I've ever seen her.

- You are psycho.

You're psycho, honestly.

- Just don't care.

- Don't be looking over at me

with your freakin'
glass of water.

- Shut up, I'm drinking water

out of a wine glass...
can you believe?

No, it's sacrilege.

They just keep going
around and around,

repeating themselves
and saying the same thing

over and over and over.

And then Teddi's like,
"I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine."

- You guys are all psycho.
I'm out of here.

No, she's not fine,

and, no, Dorit's not gonna
shut up about it.

Let's be clear.

- Well, I am ready
to get off this boat.

- Yes, me too.
- I am, too. Can we?

- I've got a kid waiting.
- I've got a husband waiting.

- I've got to go.
It's late,

I love you madly,
I really do.

- Are we fine?
Let's just get over it.

- Teddi,
I'm not gonna get over it

if you keep acting
like a psycho b*tch.

You're like, "I'm casual
and low maintenance,"

trapped in a freaking, uber...

- Time schedule
accountability coach.

- But you're a little bit
too high strung.

For crying out loud,
it's glass.

Where do we go from here?

- Bye.

Good night. Thank you.

- Thank you.
Thank you for being here.

♪ ♪

- Next time

on "The Real Housewives
of Beverly Hills."..

- Your performance
was sensational,

but George loves to sing
with singers that can't sing.

- Thanks a lot, bubba.

- This sh... between Dorit and I
is like water t*rture.

- She's sitting there,
two against one.

I'm trying to explain.
- No, no, no, no.

I'm not against Teddi at all.
- I don't mean against.

- You were butting in
to a conversation.

- Now I need
a freaking interpreter.

I just feel
like you guys have, like,

decided to do this to me
or something.

- What?
- Okay, I'm going.

- Lisa!

- I'm not dealing
with this bullsh...

[tense music]

- Maybe you didn't like

that it wasn't about you
for a minute.

You were upset we were
having a moment.

- This whole thing boils down
to three b*tches

that are competitive
over friendship.

- If Dorit was
sitting there crying,

would you have
gotten up and left?

- I don't know.

- To learn more
about the housewives,