08x08 - Petty Mess

[bunniefuu]

- Previously on "The Real

- Previously on "The Real
Housewives of Beverly Hills"...

- I'm planning a surprise
birthday party for PK.

It's a 50th birthday party,
so it's gotta be big.

Boy George and I
should sing "Fever."

- Uh, okay.

- Slink it up,
and then you turn

and walk away from his a*s.
It's like hooking on Sunset.

- You people are crazy.
- [chuckles]

- There's a little thing
happening with Lisa Vanderpump

that I read in the news.

A little lawsuit thing
happening.

- I wish we'd never kind of
got involved.

- But that's gonna happen.

I mean, you've got restaurants.

You've got this.
It's like...

- I know it really hurts

to have your integrity
brought into question.

It just takes a toll, really.

- I would love to invite
everybody to my beach house.

- But you wouldn't do that?
- No.

Lisa, I don't feel comfortable.

- I know who
your biggest worry is.

- Dorit.
- Maybe a little bit.

- Do you mind
if I switch glasses?

You know, I shouldn't
be drinking the wine

out of the champagne glass.
- Oh.

- I'm trying to talk to you,

and you can only focus
on a glass.

- The fact that
I know a wine glass

other than a champagne glass
is etiquette!

You are psycho.

[upbeat music]

- In this town,
fame and money come and go,

but friends should not.

♪ ♪

- Some people call me cold.

But that's not ice...
it's diamonds.

♪ ♪

- I believe in
excess of everything,

except moderation.

♪ ♪

- Having the best
isn't important to me,

but being my best is.

♪ ♪

- I don't have to buy it,
'cause I already own it.

♪ ♪

- The queen of diamonds

always has an ace
up her sleeve.

♪ ♪

[energetic pop music]

♪ ♪

- Baby!
Come in the great room.

- Baby, I don't even know
what to say to you.

You are a machine. Mm.

- I love you.
Ooh, I do. I do.

- I had the most
incredible time.

What you did
and the detail...

you're so amazing, baby.

It was beyond.

- Happy 50th.
- Thank you, baby.

[all shouting]
- There he is!

- How are you feeling, baby?

all: Surprise!
[cheers and applause]

- Your performance
with George was sensational.

It was so nice
of Erika to help you.

- Oh, my God, it was so nice.

- But George loves to sing
with singers that can't sing.

It makes him sound better.

- Thanks a lot, bubba.

- No, I'm just telling you.
- I mean, honestly.

- It's...it's like if you go out

with, like, a super,
super fat person.

Then you feel slim.

- [gasps] Here I am thinking
I did a good job.

Well, note to self.
[laughs]

Thank you very much.
- [sighs]

No, it's funny.
- No, you know what, PK?

The whole day was gorgeous
and magical.

Teddi had invited me
to the beach house,

which was really sweet.
- Yeah, yeah.

- So I wanted to just
set the record straight.

- I don't give a [BLEEP]
about the glass.

- I didn't even say it to her.

I said it to the waiter.

- Who gives a [BLEEP]
what glass you're using?

- You're making sh... up.

Meanwhile, Kyle is speaking

on Teddi's behalf,
defending her.

- It registered to her...
- It registered.

- Which is what made her go...
- Kyle, are you her mouthpiece?

- Mm.
- I'm having dinner with her

and Lisa Vanderpump tonight,
and I'm gonna say to her,

"Kyle, what is your problem?"

I don't know why
one of my best friends

would be sticking up
for someone

that she's just met
rather than sticking up for me.

It really hurts me.

It just feels so...so wrong.

Well, this is from the kids.

It's really sweet.
- Thank you.

- So it came this morning.

- Oh, wow.
- [laughs]

It's lights, camera, action!

- And three, two, one.

[camera shutter clicks]
- So this is a reference

of how your figurine
will be printed out.

You'll have Jags down here.

- Do you like that?
Look at that.

Who is that?
- [laughs]

- You look like
Barbra Streisand.

- Oh, thanks, PK.
- Look.

- I mean, look at Phoenix.

She looks like one
of those ghost babies

from a horror film.
- [laughs]

- "Ooh," like a haunted kid.
- Jagger looks petrified.

- It's gorgeous.
I love the thought.

- It's so sweet.
- Thank you.

I'll put that on the, uh...
- I think the idea

is to make it...you know,
that it's really, really sweet

and everything.
- It's very cute.

It's very cute.
It's kind of how...

[both gasp]
[figurine shatters]

- Okay, then.
[chuckles]

- Oh, my God.

[laughing]
Where's Phoenix's head?

- [chuckling]
- Get Phoenix's head.

You know "The Exorcist,"
where the head's on the...

- No, stop it!
It's freaking me out.

- The heads twist round.
[singing ominously]

- I can't even look at it!
Take it away, please.

- I'm sorry, babe.

[lively electronic pop music]

♪ ♪

- Hello.

♪ ♪

Hi, hey.
- Hi, baby.

- Hi, my love.

- Hello.

- I have two things...
- Yes?

- That are gonna
make you go crazy.

Come on, babies!

- Oh, no!
- Come on, babies!

- Are you kidding me?
- Everybody come out.

- Come on.
- Come on, boys.

- Come on, babies. [laughs]
- Oh, my God.

A bag full of fresh puppies.

What could be better
than that?

- [laughs]
- [squealing]

Oh, I'm so happy to see you.
- Aren't they amazing?

Come on.
Aren't they great?

- These are gonna go
in a second.

- [laughs]
- So what else is going on?

- That lawsuit.
- Devastating.

- Right.
Well, I have great news.

It was dismissed.

Yep, totally dismissed.

- Can I see that?

- Yeah.
- Oh, my God!

- That's the letter,

and then the dismissal's
right below it.

I know.
Huge.

- This ugly lawsuit
has been dropped,

and it's just music to my ears.

And I want to celebrate.

When did you hear?
- This morning.

I just got the email
this morning.

- Why did you wait so long?

- I knew you'd be
so happy about it.

- I am so happy.
You have no idea.

When you're a public figure,

you're susceptible to all
this litigious bullsh...

So just to feel
that it's going away

is such a relief.

And then you mix that in
with a bag of fresh puppies,

and life's good again.

- So we need to celebrate.
- [sighs happily]

Well, I'm having dinner

with Kyle and Dorit
tonight, so...

They'll be happy, boys!
Won't they? Yes, they will.

♪ ♪

- Hi there.
- Oh, hi!

- How long have you been here?
- [laughing]

- Hey there.
How are you?

- Hey.
Good, how are you guys?

Come on in.
- Oh, I like this.

- These look like they could
be going out on the town.

- They're not the best
for when you actually sweat.

- Oh, these are cute.
- Those are cute.

- They're probably
one of our most popular.

- They are?
Do they fit well?

- They're pretty true to size.

- Okay, I'm gonna go with that.

- Yeah, they're really cute.

- Um...well, that was fun
last night, wasn't it?

- The whole party
was a really nice party.

She's really great.

- That's why you guys
became friends.

- Yeah, and then
the other sh...,

I'm like, "God, why does it
have to be so hard?"

Truthfully, this sh...
between Dorit and I

is like water t*rture.

It's like somebody
pricking something in my eye.

[dramatic cymbal roll]

I've been sitting here
for over 30 minutes.

- I know...I know I'm late,

but I didn't even realize
what time it was.

- Whenever things she has done
bite her in the a*s,

I got excuses,
not an apology.

- I was...actually
came from a meeting.

- I sat there
for one hour, Dorit.

- Okay, but first of all,
you told me on the phone,

"I was waiting 30 minutes,"
and I said,

"It's only been 18 minutes

since I'm supposed
to meet you."

- You have to own the sh...
that you did wrong

or the mistake that you made
or the accident that happened.

All the other stuff...
[imitates screen sliding]

She's never gonna
agree with me,

and that's it.
- It's always like that,

'cause the person
who thinks they're right

will never bow down.
- Yeah.

- I value my friendship
with Dorit,

but there's times
when Dorit talks a lot

and I find it really adorable
and endearing.

And then there's other times
where you just wanna say,

"Shut up and listen!"

- I...like I have said...

will not bring it up
to her again.

If she wants to keep
bringing it up to me,

it is what it is.
- So who is coming

to the beach house?

- You, Camille,
Erika, Vanderpump,

and Dorit said
she was gonna come.

- Oh, my God.
- It's like...

- I mean...you're like,
"You know what? Never mind."

- I'm like, "Gosh, nothing
is easy with this group."

Thank you.
- Thank you so much.

- You're welcome.
I just have

your receipt here.
I'll have you sign.

- Yeah, see?
I got these $5 glasses in...

Greece.
- Well, yes.

Hello there.

Very understated. [laughs]
- Yeah. [laughs]

Thank you, bye.
- Thank you guys so much. Bye.

- Coming up...
- I was trying to be

devil's advocate, Dorit,
because you were...

- Okay, I'm going.
- Lisa!

[dramatic percussion]
Oh, my God!

[upbeat pop music]

- Isn't it exciting
that this whole area

is being redone?
- It is beyond exciting,

'cause, you know,
when I moved here, this...

- When I moved here too.
- Right? Oof.

Ooh, you did not
come down here.

- At all.
- I love this.

Oh, this is perfect.
- Really pretty.

- This should take my mind
off of everything for a second.

I'm in total denial
about everything.

- You mean Delilah moving?
- Delilah going to New York.

- Ah.
- The six scripts

I have to memorize
by next week.

- Hey, girls.
How you doing?

- Hey.
"Girls."

I love that he called us girls!

- I love it!
- Aren't you cute?

- Can I grab you any c*ck?
A nice glass of wine?

- I'm gonna have
an Arnold Palmer.

- I am too.
I like that idea.

- Of course.
- Okay, great.

- Thank you.
- All right, thank you.

- So you're brokenhearted
about Delilah leaving.

- Yeah.
- I mean, that's your job

as a parent is to be scared
to death anyway.

- I know.
It's just...it's a lot.

And I haven't
fully processed it.

I am just like
every other mother.

I don't know
what the [BLEEP] I'm doing.

But I'm a good actor.

- When are you moving her

into her place?
- Next week.

It's gonna be fine.

But I just want her
to be safe and healthy.

- She will be.
And she's a responsible girl.

- My kids need to see
me feeling good and confident

about letting them go.

I'm a .....ing mess inside.

They need to see me
going like this.

- Monday you are
"The Middle"...no.

- Monday, Tuesday, "Days."

Wednesday, Thursday,
"The Middle."

Friday, back to "Days."

- What's Billie doing
in "Days"?

- Billie became some kind
of an FBI-type agent.

- Wasn't she
a drug-addict stripper?

- She was, yeah.
- Oh, you've come a long way.

- Billie has been
through the wringer

on "Days of Our Lives."

Drugs...you name it.
She's done it all.

How about you and I go

and find something
a little more stimulating?

What do you say?

- Sure.

- This girl had issues.
[chuckles]

- I've always wondered
what that's like

to have a soap gig like that,

where you played
the same character

for...for decades.
- It's like Eileen.

- Right.
- You have to learn

a million lines.
I mean, it's not easy.

- Well, when I was
on "Y&R"...

we got one rehearsal.

[gasps]
- [screams]

- Are you kidding me?
- So sorry.

- Look at this mess.
What are you thinking?

Farrah made
one more appearance...

but she hasn't been back.

[mouthing words]

[laughs] No.
She needs another gig!

- I can't go to the beach.

- Actually, I asked
Lisa Vanderpump.

- You're gonna go down together?
- Yeah.

- You're being so nice.

[laughs]

[electronic music]

♪ ♪

- Thank you.

♪ ♪

[cell phone chimes]
Hello?

- I'm in ridiculous traffic.

- Well, hurry up,

because we both come
from the same place,

because you live 30 seconds
round the corner from me.

- [stammers, laughs]

- [laughs] It's not funny.
- Okay, I'm coming.

[clock ticking]

- [sighs]

[sighs heavily]

♪ ♪

I'm going into
Teddi mode right now,

because I've been sitting here
for bloody half an hour.

It was important to me
that I was on time.

- Hello, you!
- Hello.

- Perfect timing.
- Looking gorgeous.

- And it's really
bloody annoying.

- We're meeting a friend.

- Oh, I can see
her long, luscious hair.

- Hello.

- You know Kyle came
after me. [laughs]

- Don't bother to apologize.

I've been sitting here

for 1,800 .....ing seconds.

Yeah, don't mention it.

- Hi, guys.
- Hello.

- How are we doing tonight?
- Can I get...

What are you girls
having to drink?

- I'll have a Grey Goose
club soda.

- Okay.
- Sauvignon blanc.

Yes, I'll have that, please.
- Okay.

- I will have a margarita.
- There you go.

- I'm starving.
Shall we order our food?

- Yeah.
- Can I get

a shaved carrot salad?
- Yep.

- I'll have striped bass.

- Oh, I'll do that.

- Okay, perfect.

- What's happening?
- I've got some news.

- What?
- Well,

the lawsuit was dropped today.

- Oh, good.
- Ohh.

- So it's good.
- That's good news.

You looked like you were gonna
start crying or something.

- No, no, no.
It was still emotional,

but it's gone away.

- I'm so pleased to hear that,
Lisa.

- Cheers, ladies.

- So it's been a good day
for all concerned.

- Still, when you're going
through it, horrible.

- It's horrible.
- It's just negativity.

We don't want it in our life.
- Yeah, I know.

- I don't want any negativity.
- So that was good.

- Speaking of negativity...
- What?

- Last night, you were
having it out with Teddi.

How did
that whole thing happen?

- I mean,
the whole glass thing

is so ridiculous.

It's almost...
- Were you mad at me

for chiming in?

- You don't do that
as a friend.

[dramatic music]

- I felt that you guys

were speaking
two different languages.

It was almost like
you needed an interpreter.

- Which is what I said to you.
I'm like,

"Kyle, are you
her spokesperson?"

- Hold on.
She was chiming in

the entire time.

- I really am somebody

that I will just let it go.

- But you obviously do care
because it upsets you.

If you have two glasses there,
then you're obviously stating

there's a difference
between wine and champagne.

♪ ♪

Don't deflect it onto me.

- I'm not deflecting.
I'm saying she was chiming in

and you didn't have a problem.

That's why I was like,
"Okay"...

- No, Kyle, you were
speaking on her behalf,

butting into a conversation
with somebody.

- You think I was butting in?

- Yes, but not only that...
- But Lisa wasn't?

- No, she wasn't.

- That's not making sense.

Oh, my God.

Why is she not
understanding me?

[sighs]

Now I need
a frickin' interpreter.

Listen, she's sitting there,
two against one...

I'm trying to help explain.
- Oh, no, no, no,

I'm not against Teddi at all.

- I don't mean "against."
- Well, no, no,

but don't say it like that,
dismissal,

or say it like...
no, but I'm saying...

- Excuse me,
can I finish my sentence?

- Oh, my God. No.
- "Against" was the wrong

choice of words.
- No, stop.

Don't shut me down.
- Are you kidding me?

I have a good relationship
with Teddi.

- I'm trying to help...
- I like Teddi.

- Defuse the situation.

- I feel like you don't
have a side.

- Because I don't!

Because I see your point
and I see hers.

- Right, but what I'm saying...
- But she said that,

and you didn't say that.

- 'Cause I love her
more than I love you?

[musical sting]
- Fine.

- [laughing] I'm just kidding.
- That's fine.

- Well, thank you.
I'm okay with that.

- Kyle, I'm totally kidding.

And it's like...

- I don't wanna talk
about this anymore.

- I was totally kidding,
by the way.

- It's just getting annoying.
- What's the matter?

- Kyle!
- I feel like the two of you

are, like, coming at me
with this stupid thing.

- I'm not coming at you.
I'm with you!

- I don't wanna talk
about it anymore.

- Now I feel sick.
- Guys...no, no!

I feel like you guys
are attacking me.

It's your .....ing friend.

I just feel like you guys
have, like, decided

to, like, do this to me
or something.

- What?
- Oh, my God.

Are you serious?

Are you serious?
- I'm not capable of it.

I'm never capable of it.
- Well, it feels like that.

I was trying to be
devil's advocate, Dorit,

because you weren't seeing
someone else's point.

I don't feel like you're
seeing mine either right now.

- Okay, I'm going.

I waited half an hour
for you guys.

I'm out of here.

That's for PK.

- Why are you upset now?

- Because I am.
- Why?

Lisa.

- I've just had enough.
Kyle's crying over nonsense.

This has nothing to do with me.

What has to do with me
is way more important

than anything they're gonna
discuss tonight.

- Oh, my God.

- She's mad 'cause
you're talking to me

and not her.
- Yes.

- I came to celebrate,

and I want my friends to
go, "Oh, Wow, what happened?"

and I'd liked to have
talked about that

just for two minutes.

- Please, baby.
- I'm not dealing

with this bullsh...

- [BLEEP].

- I love you,
but no, I'm not.

- Why are you leaving?
- I'm going.

- Why'd you have to leave?

- Because I'm .....ing tired.

Then you start saying
that her and I are...

- Are plotting against you.
- Come and bite your head off,

when that has never happened.

I'm going home.
You guys figure it out.

Can we go please, Daniel?
- Yes, ma'am.

- I'm going home to my husband,

who'd rather spend time
with me tonight than you would.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Coming up...

- I want a little bit
of childhood.

Like, I'm already homeschooled.

I already travel the world.

I already am 16 years old
and work.

I don't want that much freedom.

- I just feel like you guys

- I just feel like you guys
have decided to, like,

do this to me or something.
- What?

- Okay, I'm going.

- Lisa.
- I'm going home to my husband,

who'd rather spend time
with me tonight than you would.

[dramatic music]

- [scoffs]

♪ ♪

- Are you .....ing kidding me?

I'm still in shock.

- Honey, I just told you
how I felt.

- But I didn't do anything.
- Ay-yi-yi.

- First of all, why...
it's annoying to me

that she just left right now,
because...

- I know.
- She knows I'm upset.

- It's like...
- Strange.

- If she's not the focus,

then she just .....ing leaves?
- I know.

- I love Lisa,

but she certainly doesn't
give a sh...

about how I feel right now.

- Do you know what it is, Kyle?
- What?

- Those five minutes that

the attention wasn't
directed at her upset her.

That is not the behavior
of an adult.

Do you understand?
- No, I do, 100%.

- I don't know.

I feel like I don't even
have those issues

with my three-year-old.

- Lisa leaves because
you and I are talking?

- Totally.

And I shouldn't feel
like I'm, you know...

- Cheating on your husband.

- Yes!
Do you know what I mean?

She has said to me,
"When you're around

"the other girls

that you don't
pay attention to me."

I love you, Kyle.
- [smooches]

- Dinner Saturday, yeah?
Just you and I?

- Just you and I.
- Oh, [BLEEP] off.

[laughter]

- She does get
a little jealous.

- Who does that, honey?

You don't feel that insecure
at that moment.

- Right.
- It's not the night.

It's not a one-off.

She said, "You did it again
at your birthday.

"I was sitting there
trying to chime in

"to your conversation
with Erika,

but you weren't
acknowledging me."

- My mom does the same thing...
- Does she?

- You know, this is...
- Oh, my God.

Erika, I love the hoops.
- You know what?

- I love 'em.
- I bought these for myself

for my birthday.

- Well, you know Lisa's a bit...

like, she needs a lot
of attention.

She just does.
I think that goes back to

the fact that her parents
didn't give her much attention,

and she wasn't told
"I love you."

I mean, that's 100% it.

[somber music]

- Sometimes you can't have,
from your family,

what you necessarily need
or want.

I had a lovely upbringing,

but I didn't have
somebody telling you

they love you and kissing you
and pulling you into their bed.

I mean, I would have
loved that.

- When you tell me that,
I can see,

like, the way you are

and why you are a certain way.
- Yeah.

- I'm shocked.

I don't really know a lot
about how Lisa was raised

or her relationship
with her parents.

She did not tell me that.

Clearly she has
a different relationship

with Dorit than me.

By the way,
that hurts my feelings

in its own
whole other situation.

- I get it.

- 'Cause I'd like to think
we're closer than that.

- That's what I mean.

- I mean, I tell her
a lot of private things

about my family life
and everything.

That's a little weird to me.

- It's not
an isolated incident.

She had this whole
jewelry line,

and she didn't tell me

that I was going
into a photo sh**t.

- I didn't know this.
- And I was like...

- What jewelry line?

See, you know that.
I don't even know that.

She's told me nothing
about the jewelry.

Not one thing.
- Did you not know that?

- I didn't know anything.

[dramatic music]

It hurts, you know?

I'm not secretive
with my friends.

I mean, my friends
that I'm close with,

I tell them everything.

And I don't wanna feel
like it's not

an equal relationship.

- We have to address it,
period.

- She's not picking up
either of our phone calls.

- I don't agree.
- Trust me.

We've been friends longer.

♪ ♪

I know you guys are like,
"Oh, we're best friends."

I've been friends with her
a lot longer, okay?

- I know. I know.
- A lot.

- And she will be upset
with both of us.

♪ ♪

[sighs]

[upbeat dance music]

♪ ♪

- So five episodes on "Days,"

and then I'm doing
"The Middle."

- Oh, my God.
You have to memorize all that?

- This is five days of words.

- I don't know
how you'll do it.

- Look at that.
- I don't know how

you memorize...
- It's not that much.

- Mom, I think you just
need to listen to me

for two seconds.
- All right.

- When's the Tesla coming?

How many months do I have
to get my license?

- The Tesla should be
coming soon,

and you should
get your permit.

You need to do it
'cause you'll feel good

about yourself.

- I just don't feel
like I'm ready.

- But it's such a free feeling

to be able to drive.
- I don't want that.

- I don't want it yet.
- Amelia is not scared

to do anything.

She is a go-getter,

baby hustler in the making.

So the fact that she doesn't
wanna get her permit

is odd, because I would think

she would want it, like,
straightaway.

Are you just lazy 'cause of...
- No, I don't...

I don't want that,
'cause, like, I...

I'm already homeschooled.

I already travel the world.

I already am 16 years old
and work.

I don't want that much freedom.

I want a little bit
of childhood.

- Is that right?
Is that what it is?

- Yeah, I don't want to.

- With all of her modeling
and traveling and whatnot,

I think we all forget
Amelia is just a kid.

In that year
from 16 to 17,

a lot of maturity happens.

- Well, I don't think
you should.

You crashed my boat in Canada.

- I heard.
- I did do that.

- I heard you hit a rock.

- She crashed my boat.
- I'm not going through buoys

when I'm driving a car.

- You're going through
way more than buoys

when you're driving a car.
- I went through

the wrong side
of the buoy.

- In this day and age,
of course I worry about

whether my girls
grow up too fast,

so if you're not ready,

let's take two steps back
and hang.

We can take our time
with Amelia.

Delilah's 19.
Delilah's ready.

So how do you feel
about moving into

your first apartment
in New York?

- I feel like it's just
gonna take so long to move in.

- Well, it is.

I mean, we just
aren't prepared.

- I...okay, I literally
just need a bed.

I don't even need
the bed frame yet.

And I'll just bring all my...
- Sheets.

Comforter.
- Yeah...well, obviously

the bed...that comes
with the bed.

- Okay, so bed.
You need sheets, towels.

You need silverware
and some plates and bowls.

- Yeah, but I really wanna,
like, find cute ones.

- We really need to go
pick out stuff.

- Today I'm busy.
- [scoffs]

- I'm going to a "spall"...
spa, "spall."

A spa.
- Oh, my God, I wanna go.

- And get a nonsurgical
face-lift. [laughs]

- What?

What the hell

is a nonsurgical face-lift
gonna do

to someone who already has
a baby face?

- It just keeps you young.
It's not actually a face-lift.

- You're young!
- [sighs]

- [laughing]
What the hell are you doing?

- Coming up...

- Did you bring
any potluck thing?

- No.

I left my Jell-O salad at home!

[upbeat electronic music]

♪ ♪

- I have to say,
I'm one of those people

that I want everybody
to be happy.

I don't know
if these girls can handle

such a casual,
laid-back atmosphere.

But I'm, like,
a down-home chick.

I love potlucks.

Luckily, we already have
stemless glasses

at the beach house.

Don't have to deal with that.

♪ ♪

- Ugh.
[sighs]

[cell phone chimes]
sh**t.

♪ ♪

[scoffs]

Of course Dorit is late.

Shocker.

Sh...

Must be that LA traffic
again.

[line trilling]

- Honey, I'm in
a nightmare situation.

- Why?
What happened?

- He's lost.

He doesn't know
how to get there.

I'm beyond dying.
- [laughing]

Okay, well,
every minute we're late

is, like, a nightmare
for traffic.

Welcome to Los Angeles.
So...

That was not a "call fail."
That was a "call ended."

.....ing hell.

♪ ♪

- Okay, boys.
I'm going.

I'm gonna be away for 24 hours.

Schnook, don't be depressed.

♪ ♪

- Hello.
- Hi.

- Hey, I didn't know
you had turtles.

- Everything.

I have black swans,

white swans,
seven turtles...

- Seven turtles?
- Who are lovely.

Did you bring
any potluck thing?

- No.
- Okay.

I've got a cake.

- I was gonna bring
a bottle of champagne,

and I left it.

I left my Jell-O salad at home!

The one with
the marshmallows in it.

[laughs]

After you.

- Where could I put
this cake?

- Can we keep it
in the front seat

with you, maybe?
- Yeah, the front.

- Yes, ma'am.
- Okay, great.

- Thank you.

It's gonna be a long drive.

♪ ♪

- Hi.
- [laughs]

This is like déjà vu.
- Hi!

- How are you?
It's great to see you.

- Well, gosh,
it's been 25 years

since I first aired
on "Days of Our Lives."

So it's like going back home.

- I don't think
you've changed one iota.

- Oh, not one bit, Richard.
Not one iota is right.

- [laughs]
- I'm exactly the same.

Well, before I booked
"Days of Our Lives,"

I was on unemployment.

Like, I had done, like,


and then I booked
"Days of Our Lives,"

and it changed my life.

I was like, "Oh, my God,
I would be playing

opposite Bo Brady?"
[gasps]

I mean, it was huge.

It was like the girls'
"Vogue" moment.

- And then we have "Vogue."

- "Vogue" Taiwan.

That just...
- [screams comically]

- I know!
- No way!

- Yes!
- That is so cool!

- I pulled out
a bunch of clothes.

- Great.
- I mean,

I presumed
it's sleek and spy.

- It is sleek and spy.
- You know?

And then I have
a selection of shoes here.

- Oh, great, Richard.
- Boots, heels, and...

- I saw boots because
I pull g*ns a couple times.

I am the OG Billie,
so she's in me.

But the character's
been played

by two other actresses,
so there's a lot of history

that's gone on
with the character

that I don't even know about.

Like, she's had kids

and weird, like, ah...
it wasn't me.

Make sure I'm really covered.
You know what I mean?

- I...yeah.
- Like, use a whitewash under.

- We can't do it now
because of the lighting.

- 'Cause the HD.
- Yeah.

- You see a lot more now.
- Oh, God.

- Yeah.
- So yeah, cover me in

as much as you can.
- [laughs]

- This is a lot of pressure

because I'm a little
out of practice.

I have to know my lines,

I have to know what I'm doing,
and be ready.

Otherwise, oh, my God,
it's so embarrassing,

and you will look like a fool.

Because as we know,
this brain is not as sharp

as it once used to be.

No, it's just me.
It's just me. [murmurs]

♪ ♪

[horn honks]

- What is this person doing?

- Kyle?
- I'm coming around.

Hold on.
- I wanna cry right now.

- Oh, my God.
- It was the worst experience

I've ever had, ever.

If I can survive
this limo ride from hell,

well, I can probably survive
my issues with Teddi.

Did you bring anything
to drink?

- Wine.
- Oh, good.

- How are we supposed
to drink wine out of this?

- [laughs]

♪ ♪

- What's new?

- So we go to the Palihouse
for dinner...

Dorit, Kyle, and I.
They come in, you know.

I just said, "Oh,
the lawsuit's been dropped."

- Good.
- And they just went

straight back to talking
about bullsh..., you know?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- And I was just irritated.

Like, what the hell?

- You needed more.

- Yeah.

- There's a lot more
depth to Lisa

than sometimes she lets us see.

I think she's actually
sensitive and soft inside.

It's just sometimes
she's a little bit like me.

She's a little reserved.

- You know, I really love Kyle.

- I think you've gone
through enough bullsh...,

you know, together.
- Yeah.

I think Kyle and I are so close

that sometimes
the rules relax a little.

Ken just had a kidney stone,

and he's never had one before.
[cell phone chimes]

And then...
- My phone is ringing, sorry.

My agent. Sorry.
[laughs]

[cell phone chimes]

This must be...
it's my agent again.

- Would you rather
have dinner with your agent?

- What?

- Kyle shouldn't think
that I would talk to Dorit

and agree to have
a go at Kyle.

- So Kyle feels attacked.

- "Oh, hi, Dorit.
Oh, let's go for dinner,

and let's attack Kyle."
- Yeah.

- Most stupid thing
I've ever heard.

- Okay, can I ask...
- All I was thinking about

was my lawsuit,
and I love them both badly,

and there's no win situation
for me,

being in the middle
of that sh...

- Uh, no.
- [whimpers]

- I wanna find out
what's going on with her...

where that came from.
- I don't know what that was.

I don't know if this means
she doesn't love us

being close or...
you know, I don't know.

Maybe she was getting weird
about that.

I feel bad
to ever say anything,

because I never wanna
rock the boat.

- Really?
- [stammers]

What can Lisa
hold hostage from me?

Our friendship.
And I care about her.

- Say it to me now.

- Lisa,
I'm not gonna have you...

- Say that to me.
You feel really bad

about not defending me.

And then I'll move on.

- I'm not gonna be told
like that...

to do it like that.
- Okay.

- I think
the best thing to do...

we pull her aside
and we have a chat.

I-I mean, I've never seen
this kind of behavior from her.

- I did nothing wrong.
I know that.

♪ ♪

[dramatic music]
- Coming up...

- If Dorit was sitting there
crying,

would you have gotten up
and left?

- I don't know.

[energetic music]

♪ ♪

[line trilling]

[cell phone ringing]

- Oh, FaceTime,
Lisa Rinna.

- Ooh.
- Shall we?

- Yeah, go ahead.

- Well, hello.
- Hello, ladies.

- How are you?

- Well, today I have 12 scenes.

- You're gonna be great.
Are you kidding?

I'm super excited for you.

Well, you are missing out
on our beach excursion.

- I know.

- From what Lisa just told me,

it's probably best
you're there.

- Really?
- A few feathers are ruffled.

I have some ruffled feathers.
- Really?

- See how interested
she is now?

She's gonna get on a bus.
- [laughs] "Oh!"

- Oh!

Vanderpump rarely gets upset,

so it's a shame
that I can't go,

because I would really
like to see

a little royal British
sh... fit.

[laughs]

- Lisa was mad that Kyle
and Dorit were late,

and then it just
went downhill from there.

But Dorit called Teddi
a psycho.

- Oh!
- That was on the boat.

Excuse me.
I told that out of sequence.

- Yeah.
- A lot to keep up with.

- You know what?
I've gotta go.

My call time is in, like...
oh, right now.

Ooh!
Gotta go!

- I hate you so much.
We'll talk to you later.

- Bye!
- Bye!

- Toodle-oo!
[chuckles]

♪ ♪

- Here we are, then.
- All right, this is it.

Hello?
Oh, wow.

- Hi, guys.
- Hey...oh, hey, cutie!

- How lovely.
- Thank you.

- For you.
- Oh, thank you very much.

- This is gorgeous.
- Thanks, guys.

- Has this house been
in your family for years, then?

- No, we bought it
about 3 1/2 years ago.

- This is incredible.
- I have games too.

Cornhole.
- Ken would be good at this.

He's been trying to get it
in my hole for years.

- So yeah, and then
you throw little beanbags.

- Which one?
- And we can play later

after we have
something to drink.

- The only one.
- Mm.

- I can sleep
in your bed with you?

- I don't care.
- That's your room, right?

- Yeah, that's my room.
- This will suit me just fine.

- [chuckles]
- I don't really understand

why Teddi was anxious

about having people
at her beach house.

I've never met a beach house
that I don't like.

- I'm downstairs.
I got my bed.

- It's kind of casual,
and it's funky,

and it's bohemian.

It's like Teddi.

I wonder where the others are.

- They probably got lost.
- [chuckles]

- That looks too good on you.
Get it off.

'Cause now it's not
gonna look as good as me.

- [scoffs playfully]

♪ ♪

- How much are
these houses on the beach?

Maybe I need one.
- [laughs]

- They're not a handbag, Kyle.
- [laughing]

- Are you gonna walk in

and ask Teddi
how much her house is?

- No, I'm gonna...
- Please don't embarrass me.

- Look it up online.

[both laugh]

- Hello.
- Dorit, is that you?

- It's me, Teddi!

- No, this is Erika, honey.
- Oh, hi!

- This is it.
- [chuckles]

It's gorgeous.

Being right there
on the ocean?

I mean, that's magical.

The house is cute too.
[laughs]

Look at you, pink lady.
- Hello.

- Hi.
- Hi, Teddi.

- Well, hello.
How are you?

- Good.
[both smooch]

- You look cute.
- Okay, my stuff...

- Hello.
- Hi.

- What can I get
you guys to drink?

Do you want a marg?
Do you want a rosé?

- I would love a rosé, please.

- Okay.
- Um...

Teddi?
- Yeah?

- I brought lots of food,
honey, because...

- My God.
- Dorit's mom made food!

- My mother's in town.

- Whoo-hoo!
- And she went

a little bit nuts.

- Dorit, just for you,
I skipped stems.

- Teddi!
- [laughs]

- [melodramatically] I'm not
drinking out of that glass!

[all laughing]

What do you think this is?

- Hell, if I would've known
all I have to do is,

like, have a little dispute
with Dorit

and then she'll cater
my next party,

I'll do it.
Fine.

Great.
That was cheap.

- I made lettuce wraps,
egg rolls.

If that's not an olive branch,
I don't really know what is.

It's more like an olive forest,
for crying out loud.

- Is Camille coming?
What's happening with Camille?

- Oh, yeah, she texted that...
- Oh, she was gonna be late.

- Yeah.
- When did you guys get here?

- An hour ago?
- Ugh, well,

we had a whole situation,
and then...

- Well, are you sure
you didn't leave late?

- Lisa!
- I'm just asking you

the truth.
- I don't understand

where that's coming from.
- Well, I'll tell you

where it's coming from.

Because I sat there
waiting for you

for half an hour
the other night.

♪ ♪

- I planned to talk
about this eventually,

but cool your jets,
Lisa Vanderpump.

- Is that why you got up
abruptly and left?

- It was just
a couple of things, Dorit.

You know,
I was so excited

about this lawsuit
being canceled,

and then you guys were just
like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah."

- Hold on, Lisa.
- No, no.

I'm just saying how I feel.

- That's not what
you're upset about.

- Well, there is...
it was a multitude...

- I don't think
that's what it was.

- Oh, so you tell me
what I'm upset about, then.

- I think you...you said it!

You said, "You know what?
I'm done.

"I'm leaving.
I'm done.

"I'm gonna go spend time
with my husband.

He'll wanna talk to me,
unlike you two."

- Yeah.
So?

I felt a little brushed aside

over something that was
really important to me.

Then suddenly we're back
to talking about Teddi

and you guys.

- Welcome
to my beach house, dudes.

Can't we just chill a little?
Just a second?

- I was talking about
something that was huge

for Ken and I.
- So you storm off

'cause of that?

- Maybe I felt, like,
a little drained.

Maybe I felt upset.
Maybe I felt tired.

Maybe I didn't wanna
sit there waiting.

And maybe I didn't like it
when you said,

"I feel you guys have
planned it."

If you think Dorit and I...
- Maybe you didn't like

that it wasn't about you
for a minute.

♪ ♪

- It was abrupt, Lisa.
- It was abrupt.

It was, "You guys are talking
and I feel left out

and I don't like it."
That's what it was.

- Well, okay.

It felt very different to me.

- This is what I said,
and this is what I felt.

You felt left out
in the moment, and...

it was like you were upset
we were having a moment.

If...let me ask you a question.
- Yeah.

- If Dorit was sitting there
crying...

would you have gotten up
and left?

- I don't know.

[dramatic music]

- That says so much about
how you feel about Dorit,

about Dorit and me,
and about me.

It just has me questioning

where our friendship
really stands

and how much
she genuinely cares about me.

And I feel like
it's unbalanced.

- You know what?
I don't wanna

talk about it anymore.
How about that?

- You brought it up.

I haven't even set
my .....ing things down,

and you brought it up.

- I know.
I'm...clearing the air.

- Why is everything my fault?
- Well, clearing the air.

- Once again, you're saying
you want to talk about it

over and over and over
when you brought it up.

- I said I don't wanna
talk about it anymore.

- [quietly] Okay.

Okay.

Maybe I'll have
that margarita now.

- [laughs]

- What's this?
Who brought this?

- [sighs] I did.

- Are these the dipping sauces?
- Yes.

- I'll have some of
what you made, darling.

- You okay?
- Yep.

- [sighs]

[awkward music]

- Okay, I'm gonna go
put my stuff in the room,

freshen up,
and be back.

I'm worried where this
is going to take Lisa and me,

because she's gonna want
an apology from me,

and she's not gonna get it.

And I expect one from her,

and I promise
that's not coming.

[sighs]
- Erika,

do you want a c*ck?
- You know what?

I'm feeling like my uterus
is being pulled

through my stomach.
- Oh, God.

- When you've got
a bad period, it's...

- Ugh, it's the worst.
- It's the worst.

It's the worst, the worst.

- It's like a faucet.

- Oh, yeah.
- It is like...

- Oh, yeah.

Psychosomatically, I'm actually
starting to feel your pain.

- It's so hard.

♪ ♪

- Coming up...
- Wow, look at this.

- Well, you came at a more
peaceful time anyway, Camille.

- What happened?

[mellow pop music]

♪ ♪

- There's just something
really peaceful

about being by the ocean.

- Yeah.

- Look at this.
- It's getting chilly.

- Hey.

I love the feel
of the sand on my feet.

- I know.

[sighs]

- This is so pretty.
- So how are you?

- I'm actually pissed off.
- Yeah.

- [sighs]
We made it.

- Here's the thing.

It would've been easier
just to say,

"Oh, you know, sorry,"
but I'm not gonna do that.

That's not the truth,
and I want us to be honest.

- I think you did
exactly the right thing.

- How pretty is that sunset?

- It's so pretty.

- Hello, ladies.
- Oh, hi.

- Hey.
- Oh, my God.

Wow, look at this.
- Isn't that pretty?

- Right?
You arrived

at just the right time.
- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God,
this is amazing.

- I know.
It's so nice and peaceful.

- Hello, Camille.

- Hey!
- I spoke too soon.

sh**t, maybe we could have...
oh, I guess we have...

- Oh, look how sexy, you.

- Dorit, grab a chair.
- Kyle, get out of

the comfortable chair.
- No.

Early bird gets the worm.
- I'm older than you.

I deserve
the comfortable chair.

This is gonna tip over.
[laughs]

- And I'm gonna laugh.
[laughs]

- Look at this light
on you girls.

Gorgeous.

[awkward music]

Look at this.

This is exactly
what I needed right now.

- Well, you came at a more
peaceful time anyway, Camille.

- What happened?

- Lisa's a little hurt

when she met Dorit and Kyle
at Palihouse.

- Okay.
- And I shouldn't have left,

but I did.
I was just frustrated.

What more do you
want me to say?

- I don't think
either one of us are upset

at you for leaving.
I think it's more of...

- Why.
- Why.

- I just wanna be honest
about what it was.

- You said that
I plotted with Dorit.

- Who .....ing cares?
- Why does that...

- I said "planned."
- I care.

I care.
That's the point.

- Oh, my God.
- It's the fact that...

- You don't even care
about that.

You're saying that
because you don't wanna say

that you didn't...
- Oh, my God.

- You felt excluded.

- You know, what can I say?

We're petty.

- You know everything
about my family.

I literally
tell you everything.

And I feel like...
- And I have your confidence.

- Yes, but do I have yours?

- I'm telling you,
this whole thing boils down

to three b*tches
that are competitive

over friendship.

- But what's...what's...

because it seems
like something's bothering you.

- I don't feel
she's being honest

about why she really left

and she's shifting
the blame to me,

and then saying
you've done nothing.

It doesn't sit well with me.

I've been your friend longer.

- Well...Kyle.

- I'm just saying.
I'm just saying, let's...

- Kyle, I don't favor Dorit
over you in any shape or form.

- I would never wanna be

in the middle
of their friendship.

And it's definitely
not a competition.

- We moved on from the lawsuit.
We were late.

- Yeah.
- But Dorit's in the clear.

- Mm!
- Okay, I don't want you

to feel I'm harder on you.
- You are, 100%.

- Well,
how is she treating me?

I'm getting a pounding here
from Kyle.

What...is she treating me
with kid gloves?

- I don't feel it's balanced.
- Oh, my God.

- Maybe I'm not as important
to you as you are to me.

- I don't want you
to feel any of this.

- And I'm like, "Why would you
be unfair to me?"

I don't like it.
- Okay, darling.

I'm sorry
if I was unfair to you.

I apologize for leaving.

But also,
why don't you apologize

for saying to me
that you thought

maybe we were plotting
to have a go at you?

- I'm sorry for that.
- Okay, good.

Thank you.
- [sighs]

I think this is
a really good sign.

I actually did not expect
Lisa to apologize at all.

And even though I don't think
she's being honest

about why she really left,

I'm getting an apology,
and I'll take it.

We always have to be honest
with each other.

If you're mad at me
or upset with me,

I want you to tell me.
- Yeah, yeah.

Well, you too.

- I feel like sometimes
you've been really hard on me.

- I'm not crying.
I just don't want eye makeup...

- [laughing] I know.
- It's a mess, right?

- No, you look good.
- Are you sure?

- I think you...
- 'Cause I feel like sh...

None of this was anything
worth crying over.

The only thing I can do
is to apologize for leaving,

because clearly
we don't understand

each other's point of view,

and our friendship
is too important.

- Hey, guys,
should we bring out some wine?

- Yeah, I'll get some wine.
- Okay.

Teddi, I'm gonna
come help you.

- Oh, this is so much
more comfortable.

♪ ♪

- Next time on "The Real
Housewives of Beverly Hills"...

- Mine are bouncy
'cause mine are natural.

- Lisa, he's not looking
at your boobs.

[laughter]
She's like,

"But I want him to."
- [laughs]

- After you left,

a couple of the girls were,
like, very mad about it.

- Dorit went behind our backs.

What is she really
trying to do here?

- I didn't wanna bleed
all over your sheets.

- Oh, my gosh.

- Welcome to New York.

- I think I may need those.

- How much are they?
- $2,300.

I'm a woman!
I wanna buy sh...! [laughs]

- Lisa has said to me
in the past...

- Privately?
- In the past...

Privately.
- Ah.

- If I were Lisa,
would I be okay with this?

Now we're all judging it.

- Maybe she was feeling
jealous.

- To learn more about
the housewives,