08x22 - Secrets Revealed

[bunniefuu]

- Tonight,

- Tonight,
the ladies of Beverly Hills

get unfiltered.

- I got a tattoo
in the eighth grade.

all: Eighth grade?

- I think Vanderpump's
had a face lift.

- [mocking accent]
Hello, darling.

- It's supposed to come out
the end of the winky.

- And pull back the curtain
on their glamorous lives.

- Take those off.
- Yas, girl.

- I don't have a glam squad.

[laughs]

- Get off,
you're such an as*h*le.

- It works.

[whip cracks]
- Bad boy.

- Plus, all new moments
from the 90210.

both: Whoa.

- Including unseen
reunion footage.

- Did you see
what I have on my wrist?

[all laugh]

- "Housewives:
Secrets Revealed."

- It doesn't make it better.
It makes it worse.

Sorry, stop.

- I said no tattoos ever.
- You guys are rude.

- Can I get a glass of wine?

- She can't seem
to keep her mouth shut.

And it's time to zip it.

- Whoa, no, stop!
- Whoo!

- You have to be
more calculated, Erika.

- This group of girls.
- Okay, fine, [BLEEP] it,

I won't do it.
- One wrong move...

[all scream]

- [imitates expl*si*n]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Okay, quiet on the set.

[speaks indistinctly]

Five, four, three, two...

- Teddi, Heidi from
Annapolis, Maryland said,

"You paid $4 million
for your new house

"that was listed for almost 6.

"I'm hoping to buy
a little pink house.

How did you get
such a great deal?"

- Well, my husband had been
wanting that house

for a long time, and so
he had been kind of eyeing it.

It was five houses away
from our other.

We live right down the street.

We just walked over.
- Wow.

- Because he's been obsessing
over this house for a while.

- When they were building
this home,

I was here talking to the

construction guy
every other week.

- I know, he has fully
stalked the house.

- I like it.
- Look at the tub

and that shower.
- Oh, wait, I'm already sold.

My wife has her own toilet now.

- [laughs]

- That's yours, this is mine.
- No, I want the fancy one.

And he goes,
"Now's my time to go in,

give a lowball offer,"
and they took it.

- Oh, perfect.

[upbeat music]

It was easy for Teddi
not to freak out

when Edwin got a good deal
on a new house.

But how did Miss Frugal react

when faced with buying
another high-ticket item?

- All right, baby, we're here.
- Joy, joy.

- Mwah, I love you,
you've been good to me.

- Oh, God, spare me.

- I bought her two months
after meeting you.

- She's the best thing that
ever happened to you, babe.

- And you k*lled my game
after that.

I didn't even take advantage
of the damn thing,

because you...
[whooshing sound]

- Oh, jeez.

Edwin has been bugging me
about, like, buying a new car.

- I just turned 40.
Midlife crisis.

I need to buy a brand-new
Lamborghini.

[dramatic musical flourish]

- And be a Mr. Rico Suave.
It's good for him.

[laughs]

Ooh, the purple one's cute.

- Ciao, how you doing?
- Hi.

- Hey, how are you doing?
- Ciao, brother.

- Welcome, man,
and you must be Teddi.

- Teddi, nice to meet you.
- My wife, Teddi.

- Yeah, equestrian champion.
- Oh, well.

- Yeah, equestrian champion.
- You been bragging about me?

- Ah, you know I always
brag about you.

- There's plenty of horsepower
here for you.

- Oh.

- I have
the perfect car for Teddi.

- For Teddi?
- Si.

It's a rear wheel drive.

Most importantly,
it's white on white.

- Whoa.
- Whoa.

- This...now, this is sexy.
Wow.

- To me, this is
an obscene amount of money

to spend on a car,
but I'm just telling myself,

"It's his dream.
It's what he wants."

I mean, he's paying for it,
so what am I going to do?

- Let's take it for a spin.
- Yeah, let's do it.

[upbeat music]

But one of the things
I love about this car,

it's like a ninja.

Like, nobody
hears you coming.

Look how fast this is.
- Be careful.

- Ah, no, no!
Ah, stop!

- Whoo.
- Oh, my.

- Can you say whoa!

- If you're into cars,
and you're like, getting off

on like, going that speed,
and like, letting it all go...

- No!
- Whoo!

- I'm not that way.

No, stop, stop!

I like everything to be
safe and cozy

and just in my happy place.

Honestly, if you do it again...
- How do you get scared

from this,
but you don't get scared

jumping crazy horses?

- Because I'm controlling
the horses.

- And those things are crazy.
- You controlling...

- I'm controlling the car.
- That's frightening.

- Sold.
- Get me out of this thing.

- Well, let's do it,
we just need an autograph,

and you're good to go.
- Done.

- Just signing away
a college tuition.

[both laugh]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Schnooky, what are you doing?

- [whimpers]

- Come on, up.
Sit.

Sit, okay, good boy.

You're not
having biscuits, Schnook.

♪ ♪

- Action.
- I know you think I used you

as an excuse to come
and help John, but I didn't.

I was worried about you.

Thank you, boys.
- Is that a wrap for you,

until the reunion?
- That's a wrap for me.

Deidre Hall.
- Oh, my gosh.

- [laughs]

- And I'm looking,
I'm saying, I'm saying,

Billy, oh, my gosh.
- This is so fun.

♪ ♪

- Mr. T?
- Yeah?

- I want to show you something,
hang on.

Look.

How cute is she?
- You know, she kind of

looks like somebody I know.

- See, when you get mad at me,
you can just talk to her.

Or she can just
hang out with you.

Little Erika Jayne,
in the game.

- Isn't that cool?

[groovy music]

♪ ♪

- [gasps]

- Hi, honey, how are you?
- You look gorgeous.

- Look at you.
- Aw, thank you.

Oh, my God, you smell good too.
- Let me see.

What is this ensemble
you have going on?

- You know if I had to come
to the most fabulous boutique

in Beverly Hills,
I wasn't going to look gross.

- My godson Matthew's mom
has been my friend

since we were ten years old.

We played sisters
in a miniseries.

She was the evil sister,
and I was the nice sister.

When you were a baby,
you and Alexia...

- Uh-huh.
- You went missing.

You mom and I
were making cookies...

- It was Sophia.
- And we couldn't find you guys

and you were locked
in the attic screaming.

- We locked ourselves
in that closet.

- Well, you finally came
out of the closet.

- Two times, two times.

- Can we please
talk about these nails?

I can't even.
- They're long.

They're very long.
- Well, shouldn't mine be like

that, and yours be like this?
Look.

[both laugh]

- I love it.
- I mean, you've come a long

way from when you were a baby,
and we were like,

"He's going to be a scientist,
he likes bugs, snakes."

- And look at me now.
Look at me in these fishnets,

and a little Moschino.

- After wanting
to be a scientist,

my godson decided he wanted to
start taking sewing lessons,

so we knew early on he would
end up being a designer.

Hey, I have to tell you,

this stuff
really looks like it's real.

- Right, and the whole point
of the collection,

it's called "Fake,"
so you can open it up.

It says "fake" on the inside.
I'm sure a couple of the ladies

that you hang out with,
it's appropriate for them.

- [laughs]
- But I digress.

- They can relate.

Can I please try
this red one on?

- Of course, that one,
I have to warn you.

You'll look like
the baddest b*tch

when you step into the room
with that one.

All eyes will be on you.
- I like to be a bad b*tch.

- Yes.
- Oh, my God.

- I bet it looks good, yes.

[laughs]

[upbeat music]

- Yes.
- I am your fairy godmother.

- I am in love with this.

- Let me ask you a question.

How soon can you
have this stuff ready?

- For your store?
Oh, hold on.

I got to hold on to something.

- [laughs]
- [yells]

Okay, you just let me know
how many you want,

which ones you want, and I will
have them done for you.

- I'm so excited.
What's this one?

- Okay, this one
is a little different.

This one is a
custom dyed faux fur.

And that's, like, something
you just cannot do.

But I'm the type of b*tch...
If they tell me I can't do it,

I've got to do it.
- You're that type of b*tch.

- I really am.
So I custom dyed...

- It's okay to call yourself
a b*tch, right?

- Yeah, you can
call me a b*tch, too,

but if anybody else
calls me a b*tch,

they getting smacked.

[both laugh]

- Coming up...
- I want you

to buy me sexy lingerie.

And then I want to prance
around in the house in it

to show you what you're
not going to get.

[laughs]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[barking]

- What the [BLEEP]
is wrong with me?

♪ ♪

Still not what I want.

Can you make me a cup of tea?

- I've made the tea.
- You have?

- I'm going to bring it over.
- Yeah.

Oh, my God, if there's
one thing that drives me nuts

after being married 35 years,
he's always late.

He runs on his own time.

He talks to the dogs
more than he talks to me.

- Come on, let's go.
Come on, Gig-gig.

You're missing your mummy?
Yes, you are.

Ah, Gig.
Which one do you want to wear?

Let's wear this one.
- Okay.

- A drink of gin?

Good boy.
That's enough, now.

[both bark]

- That's why I would seriously
consider being l*sbian.

There's just
one thing missing.

You know, but if I could just
get around that,

I think I'd be good to go.


for our anniversary?

Maybe we should just
pretend we're away.

- A bit of private shut-in,
and just hang out.

- Yeah, there's nowhere I like
as much as here.


Look, I've grown up with you.

I was a child
when I married you.

We'd been married
ten years then.

Look at this picture here.
How we were living in England.

- I loved it there.
- Would you marry me now?

- No, probably not.

- I don't think
I'd marry you now.

[groovy music]

I'd actually be looking
for some young, hot dude

to shag me sideways.

I mean, I'm maybe still
shag-able, I'm not sure.

When we first got married,
it was all parties and fun,

and not so many
responsibilities.

I mean, it's all
a bit of a blur, really.

But then, when I got pregnant
with Pandora,

well, then I guess
it was time to grow up.

I want you to go out
and buy me sexy lingerie.

And then, I want to prance
around in the house in it

in high heels, and show you
what you're not going to get.

[laughs]

Oh, God.

[upbeat music]

I'm too good.

I think what makes a marriage
really successful

is having a sense of humor.

Especially
when I take my clothes off.

I think it's the pink pool cue
that does it.

It kind of inspires me.

[both laugh]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[indistinct chatter]

- Why don't I have anybody?
I'm needy, for [BLEEP] sake.

- I don't either.
- I need somebody.

- Lisa, do you want
to borrow some of this?

- Can I get a glass of wine?
- A glass of wine?

- Dorit needs a glass of wine,
or she simply cannot go on.

[all laugh]

[upbeat music]

- I'm going to prom
with my ball gag.

♪ ♪

Andy.
- You look great.

- Did you see what I have
on my wrist?

- No, what?
- The ball gag.

[both laugh]

- Great, great.
- Great.

[indistinct chatter]

[all laugh]

[groovy music]

- No.
- Whoa.

- What is that?
- I don't love it,

and I don't think I'd ever
use it, to be honest with you.

- You open your mouth too much,
girlie.

- Okay, that's funny.
- I bet.

- That's really good.

- All right, here we go.
- Here we go.

[bright music]

♪ ♪

- Camille amused herself
with her gift to Dorit,

but the gag started
months earlier

on a New York City
shopping spree.

- Oh, my God, okay.
The safe pick.

Whoo, okay, mm-hmm.
What is clitoris oil?

What do you do with this?

I see the playful
and fun side of Dorit.

I see what Kyle and Lisa
adore about her.

[imitates whip crack]

Bad boy.

This is something new.

But then,
there's another side to her

that is off-putting.

Camille,
you're a stupid [BLEEP].

[dramatic musical flourish]

- There we go again,
with the C-word.

- I'm going to come up
with a whole new strap-on line

named the Camille.

- What are you about?
Who are you?

- Hi, do you need help
with anything?

- Hi, yes,
tell me about these two.

What is...
- These are vibrators

that have a special function.

They wave so it hits
your G-spot.

- They look like little,
kind of like lobster claws.

They're lobster claws, look.
Okay, that's awesome.

Now, um, lubes.

- These are my favorites.
- Okay what is this?

- These are edible massage oils
that you can use

as a lubricant as well,
and they taste really good.

Do you want to try?
- Okay, here.

Okay, edible.

[groovy music]

♪ ♪

Oh, yeah, that's not bad.

So what is this for?
- Shibari ropes.

- What's a shibari rope?
- You could do bondage.

You can drag them around.
- Oh, okay, fun.

Now, I'm looking for a gag,
literally, as a gift.

Because it's a girl that talks
a little too much, so.

[both laugh]

- Give her something...
- So we have a whole

assortment over here.

- The ball gag is the
perfect gift for Dorit,

because she can't
seem to keep her mouth shut.

This looks like
Hannibal Lecter-ish.

Do people really...
What do they do with that?

And it's better than a muzzle.

- It's a medical fetish.
- That's a medical fetish?

Really?
Yeah, I was going to say,

that looks like a...
Oh, that's cute.

- I like the pink.
- Pink for a girl.

I'm trying to have a laugh,
at the same time,

it's also giving her a message
that she's getting herself

into trouble,
and she's hurting people.

So it's time to zip it.

Guarantees an orgasm,
there you go.

[groovy music]

♪ ♪

- Baby, tell me about your day
the other day with Teddi.

Is she still annoyed with you
for being late?

- Um, I don't know
if I caught you up on this,

but basically, so,
I've got this new friend.

She had had a bunch of us girls
over for a spa day.

And then, she asked me
to come early

to discuss it, which I did.

- She asked you to come early
to discuss being late?

I love that, it's very surreal.

[laughter]

- And you should have gone
the day before,

like really
.....ed with her head.

- She's an
accountability coach.

- What is
an accountability coach?

- It's basically a way
of getting money out of people.

[both laugh]

- She's invented a way
to get money out of people.

- It's genius.

- George is like
a pseudo-husband.

- You could get her
to work with PK.

- On what?
- Food, exercise.

- I know.
- Alcohol.

- I don't think anybody
can help him

with that, to be honest.
- She might be the one.

- No, trust me, he doesn't need
those kinds of people.

No, he doesn't.

[both laugh]

He doesn't.

He loves to be
a little bitchy,

and like, a little sly,
and he's just funny.

- Baby, I like this new person.
She sounds fun.

- She is, she's not, she's...
- What did she do?

She got herself in trouble?
- No, so George, okay.

We're at her house
for a spa day.

She was having treatment, so
it was a really nice gesture.

- Well, that's a nice thing
to do, yeah.

- Super nice.
- Okay.

- So she has it catered.

She's got champagne
and Vanderpump rosé.

So the bartender is pouring my
wine in the champagne glass.

- Okay, you're being a
glorious snob, but that's okay.

- No, no, no.
I didn't even say anything.

Do you mind
if I switch glasses

to the wine glass, and have
just a little Vanderpump rosé?

Because, you know,
I feel like, you know,

I shouldn't be
drinking the wine

out of the champagne glass.
- Oh.

- I don't see the issue.

[all laugh]

- I don't see the issue,
George.

- Oh, is that milk?
- Milk in a champagne glass.

[laughter]

- Anyway, as you were saying.
- You are such a child.

[laughing]
I can't even take it.

- Sorry.
- Coming up...

- It doesn't make it better.
It makes it worse.

Sorry, sorry, I'm useless.
Pathetic.

Sorry, stop.

- We're back with "The Real

- We're back with "The Real
Housewives of Beverly Hills."

These furry four-leggers

sport diamond
encrusted collars,

go for rides in the Bentley,

and eat from designer
dog bowls.

Here are the real dogs
of Beverly Hills.

- I would like another Giggy.
I want him cloned.

- Oh, my God, Ken.

How much it cost?
- 50,000.

- $50,000?

- Ken loves Giggy
more than me.

Well, he's never mentioned
cloning me, for God's sake.

- How can I live without him?

[soft music]

♪ ♪

- I just can't believe
we lost Pink Dog,

and then, yesterday, Pikachu.

I just...how does it happen
like that?

- It's terrible.

- [sniffs]

[whispers]
I don't want to talk about it.

My eyelashes will fall off.
We'll be in big trouble.

[panting]

- Chloe, don't be a b*tch.
Hey, Storm, let go of her ear.

Come over here, Storm, stop.

Ugh, did you eat these drapes
too, Storm?

When you have a problem child,
it's a problem.

[distant bark]
- Oh!

There you go!

- I'm going to call her
Binky Boo.

And who could
resist this face?

Hey, Binks, welcome to
the La Rosa.

[laughs]

- Binky.
- Binky boo.

- How's Binky doing?
- Really, really well.

Had a horrible,
horrible start to life.

First six months of her life
was in a cage.

But very good, very good now.

Sorry, it just makes me, like,
so upset when I see...

- Of course it does.
Of course it does.

- Seeing them on the screen
is really, really...

It doesn't make it better.
It makes it worse.

Sorry, sorry,
I'm useless, pathetic.

Sorry, stop.

I feel like an idiot,
because it's...

- Why, that's...

- Sorry.
- That was the worst.

- Has the loss of the dogs
made you reconsider

getting Giggy cloned?
- Ken is obsessed with Giggy.

And now, Giggy's you know,
been diagnosed

with a heart problem, and
I think it's highly likely.

But when you're in
the rescue business,

how can you justify spending
$50,000 on little Gig,

even though he's so special,

when it could save
so many other dogs?

- Maybe you should
give Ken that as a gift.

Surprise him
and get Giggy cloned.

Call Barbara Streisand.

- I'll just buy your book,
and give him the other thing.

[laughter]

- Could do that, too.

- Like, you're sex book, like,
taught me how to give head.

- Oh.
- Very precisely.

- Dorit, I see on Instagram
you got a new puppy.

Did you get it
from Vanderpump Dogs?

- Of course I did.
- Nice.

- Lucy Lucy Apple juice.
Jagger named her.

She's very cute, she's very
sweet, but she's naughty.

And I'm struggling.

- Send her to my house,
let me handle it.

- Sure, judging by how
you handled the other ones.

- But you get a puppy,
they're all naughty.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Sophia, when are we
going to go check out

some of those schools?
Should we go like, next week?

Could I just take her
to go see one school?

- Which one?
- Tulane.

- I want to see it, too,
because if she ends up

going there,
I need to see them, too.

- Dad can take me.
- Don't you want me to go?

- We do want you to go.
- Yeah, but you're busy.

- Well, why do you
need to see it if I see it?

- Because I'm the mom,
and I need to see.

- I'll take pictures for you.

- Oh, what's going on, A?
- Nothing.

You know, the usual.

Dad, did you see
that I got coconuts?

- Oh, Alexia,
please be careful with that.

- Mom, can I eat a muffin?

- No, I'm making dinner
right now.

Okay, guys, let's go sit down.
Storm, no.

- No.

- What else do we have here?
- Yum, yum, yum.

- Careful, because the dog's
going to steal it.

- I wanted some potato.
- Okay.

- Storm, I don't want you
in here right now.

My dogs have been a nightmare.
Especially Storm.

Storm has eaten my staircase,
baseboards,

drapes, windowsills, plants,
trees, flowers, beds, shoes.

You name it.
Storm.

Honey, can you try to put
Storm out for me?

- Storm, come on, Storm.

[laughter]

Come on, out,
all right, then off.

- She does not want to move.
- She is not moving, bean.

- My husband has never been
a dog trainer.

Oh, that was a really big
effort, thanks.

He loves them, but they're
my responsibility.

Sophie, will you
pass the salad?

- You guys, I'm so excited.

The offer that we made on the
Punta Mita lot got accepted.

Um...
- What?

- Remember, we went
and looked at that property

in Punta Mita, Portia?
- Oh.

- So we're officially
in escrow,

so I'm going to
go down there next week

to see if we actually
pull the trigger or not.

- My husband is Mexican.
We travel there all the time.

We have the agency there.

- I'm so passionate
about opening up the agency

and bringing people
back to Punta Mita,

because of the energy...
- And the margaritas.

- That everybody
in Punta Mita has.

[cheers and applause]

That's like a bunch
of excitement for me.

I wanted to build a house
for so long for ourselves.

And we've remodeled,
but to actually

build something from scratch,
and then to build it

in Mexico, on the beach.
I'm so excited.

Hopefully,
all the due diligence...

- Hey, guess what?
- Good, and it works.

- I'm getting
my Mexican citizenship.

- Everybody is.
- What?

- You guys are all going to get
Mexican passports.

- No.
- Yup.

- That's cool.
- We're going to have Mexican...

- We're going to have...
- Dual citizenships.

- That way, when everything
goes down the tubes here

in the States,
we can get out of here.

- Maybe we can help
Donald Trump build the wall.

- Don't even go there
right now.

[laughter]

- Coming up...

- Did the girls show you
the tattoos that they got?

- No, Amelia?
- She got Saturn.

[laughs]

- The planet?
- So basically,

they're all
dumb until they're 25.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Ooh, I like that table.

- [indistinct]
- Hi, how are you?

- Hi.
- Oh, you're just in time.

- Welcome to the
Shangri-La Hotel, Tokyo.

- What do you want?
- Do you have Tito's vodka?

- Yeah.
- I would like a Tito's vodka

with soda,
and lots of limes.

- Okay, so the
Shangri-La martini, with vodka.

- Vodka, yes.
- Not gin.

- Thank you very much.
both: Thank you.

- Did the girls show you
the tattoos that they got?

- No, when was this,
and where are they?

- Well, I .....ing hate tattoos,
let me just put it out there.

I was like, are you
.....ing kidding me?

Like, how did you think
this would be okay?

Like I would never find out?

So, on my birthday,
Delilah comes in, and she goes,

"Mom, I'm going
to tell you this

because I don't want you to see
this on my social media."

- Where?

- Right behind the ear.
- Oh, s...-.

- Delilah got an evil eye.
- And Amelia?

- She got Saturn.

[laughs]

- The planet?

- Teenagers are crazy.

Frontal lobes
are not developed.

Why did you get Saturn?
I forget.

- You guys are rude.
My first word was "moon."

I've always wanted
to be an astronaut.

I used...physics
was my favorite subject

because of space...
are you kidding me right now?

- Well.
- I have 20 NASA jackets

in my closet.
- Wow, you're sassy today.

So, basically, they're all dumb
until they're 25.

- My son's 25,
so when he was Delilah's age,

he was off at college.

They don't want to...he didn't
want to talk to his mother.

It's fun being a boy's mom.

You know, I like it,
because I'm a tomboy, so.

And I think when
you're a girl, you know,

you tend to listen
to your mom,

and you're
a little bit more timid.

- Yeah, like I think
she tells me a lot of things.

But I don't think
she tells me everything.

I didn't tell my mom
everything.

- I don't know everything,
nor should I know everything.

He's a grown man.
- Right.

- But we have managed
to remain close.

He was about six years old when
he started working at the firm.

He basically carried
Tom's briefcase,

you know, from the time
he was little.

He got to sit in trials

and schmooze it up
with the secretaries

and I don't know whatever else
that kid was doing down there.

I think it's really helped him
in his career,

you know,
in law enforcement.

I was 20 when my boy was born.

So that's a year older
than Delilah.

- [yells]

- How would you like
for Delilah

to be a parent in a year?

- Oh, that really
puts it in perspective.

- She's going to [BLEEP] up.
- She needs to.

Because that's how
she learns from them.

- Right.

- Say a prayer to Saturn
and evil eye and to God.

- [laughs]

That's amazing.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Got some ba*ls.
Let's bring some snacks, Jags.

- Gummy.
- I'll give it to you

in the car, my darling.
- Right now.

- Jagger.
- What car are we going go?

- You what?
- What car are we going go?

- We're going to go
in the Mercedes.

Come on, my love.
We're going to go this way.

- [babbling]

- No.

Jagger has made leaps
and bounds with his speech.

Jagger, what would
you like for lunch?

- [coos]

- Jagger, you can't
have ice cream for lunch.

Now, watching him speak...

- I want to sit in a big seat.

- And being able
to communicate with him.

Why is it that either
you or your sister

has to be difficult?

- I want to ride in this.

- It's just this
incredible feeling.

I just feel elated
all the time.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Just going to park
right here, baby.

♪ ♪

- I want taco.
- One chicken taco, Jags?

- Yes.
- A chicken taco, please.

- I want this.
- No, honey.

You don't have that.
- I need that.

- Nope, you don't have that.

- [babbles]

- Look what I have.
- Oh, oh, that's the best.

- Look what I have.

- Okay, chicken taco
right here.

- Thank you so much.
That looks yummy, Jagger.

- That's not a taco.
- That is a taco.

- Mommy, I want some food.

- Well, Jags,
Mommy needs total quiet.

So why don't you go
have a snack in the kitchen,

and then we'll play later.

- [babbles]

- Let's go to the park,
and then I can give you...

Jaggy, I love you.

- [cries]
- No, munchkie.

Jagger, Jagger, Jagger.
Jagger, you cannot run.

Oh, oh, no.

Oh.

Being a mom to young babies
consumes you.

Do you want to sit down
and have your taco?

- [babbles]

- Wait, cheers.

Get ready, cheers.

Cheers, Phoenix.
Cheers.

Cheers, Jagger...
- [babbles]

- Okay, cheers.

I look at these babies
every day,

and they just
bring me so much joy.

Phoenix, she's got
a cutout swimsuit.

Phoenix is 100%
a mini me.

- I want that, I want that.
- Okay, you want to do it now?

One, one show, okay?

She's drawn to all the things
that I'm drawn to.

Shoes, handbags, makeup.

- [babbles]

- Thank you, ooh.

Yummy lipstick.

Glam.

Ah!
- [giggles]

- Oh, my face.
- Ah.

- [giggles]

- Here, Jagger, Jagger,
I don't like that game.

Jagger, I don't like you
running down there, baby.

Jaggy, listen.
Let's go home.

- Not yet.
- Not yet?

- Yeah.
- But it's been like,

five minutes and five minutes

and five minutes
and five minutes.

Jagger.

Everybody asks me,
how do you stay in shape?

I run after two toddlers.

Hold Mommy's hand, Phoenix.

Jagger, hold Mommy's hand,
please.

Jagger, I don't want you
jumping off of that.

One's going left,
and one's going right.

Yeah, that's it.
Now you're in for it.

Now you are in for it.

And they're fast.

[laughs]

Jagger, guess who's not coming
to the park next time?

- Coming up...

- When you're showing,
it's respectful to the judge

to have all of your hair
tucked in.

- Maybe if I put it on,
I'll look more professional.

What do you think?
Is that better?

[upbeat music]

- Hey, hi.
- Hi.

- I'm just a titch
of a nervous driver.

- Oh, God, well,
I'm not a nervous passenger

until you just told me that.
- Well.

I like to just...
I like to keep people

right on edge
right when they get in the car.

- Okay.
Oh, my God, pull over.

[both laugh]

Teddi reassured me that if you
don't have a sense of humor,

then there's no place for you
in her life.

So this is quite refreshing.

So you're going
to look at a horse?

What are you going to do today?
- They have a horse

that they wanted me
to try to lease

for the medal finals
that are in September.

So, essentially, somebody
and their barn owns this horse.

His name is Boss,
so I would rent it.

- Right.
- Well, how have you been?

- I've been good, but my
husband's not feeling well.

He had a kidney stone.
It's his birthday today.

And it's been so painful.

Ken's not the best patient,
anyway.

- I don't think
any men are, really.

- I have great sympathy,
because apparently,

it is one of the most
painful things you can endure.

Apart from when
I kicked him in the ba*ls.

That was pretty painful.

- I'm sorry, what?

- [laughs]

You're supposed to pass it.

It's supposed to come out
the end of the winky.

And you're supposed
to catch it,

because then,
it's supposed to be analyzed.

This is not a funny situation,
if you might be laughing.

- I am sorry, I am just
envisioning you catching...

- The only upside is that
I'm probably not

going to have to put out today.

- No, I think you're
in the clear, there.

Hold on, do they show you...

You're like, perfect, done.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Look at the little horses
in there.

- Yeah.

Now, how...
Oh, for God's sake.

Open the door.
How do I get out?

- Right here.

- God, Teddi, cars do not
need to be this complicated.

This is what we need
to trade for a horse, this car.

Did you lock it?
- I will.

Well, let me say this.

Maybe you should take your bag.
- Why?

- Because I don't know
how to lock it.

- You don't know
how to lock the car?

- There's weird side buttons.

Like, you have to press
the door on the side

if you want that door to lock...
it's just too much for me.

It's just too advanced.

- Oh, my God.
- Ah.

- Try it.
- Big talker now.

- Try it.

Stupid thing.
Where's the lock button?

Come on.

- We'll store it up here.

- Now, where's the handle,
Teddi?

- Oh, for Pete sakes.
- Oh, you've got to push it.

- Yes.
- I never had a door

you got to push to open.

- I like to
keep things interesting.

Thank you.

- What a pair
of bloody b*mbos we are.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- This is my trainer
Traci, Lisa.

- Hi.
- Lovely to meet you.

- So I told her
that you had a horse.

She always thought that
you had to drive so far away

to ride in LA,
and I'm like, no, no.

You've got to come
check out Balmoral.

- It's the best-kept secret.

- I ride at a farm
called Balmoral.

It's in Brentwood,
it's beautiful.

I try to juggle it between
being a mom and my job,

and with that,
I probably get out there

two times a week.

- Do you wear a hairnet
when you ride?

- No, I'm like a bag of s...-
when I ride.

[both laugh]

- I mean, often,
when I go riding,

it's like first thing
in the morning.

So I kind of roll over there,
you know?

I don't have a glam squad.

I mean I have some
little kind of monkey

that follows me around
and helps me out occasionally.

Call her a glam squad,
I guess you could.

- Get off,
you're such an as*h*le.

- It works.
- Say thank you.

- Thank you, darling.

So you wear a hairnet.
- I wear a hairnet,

because it's...

Well, it's...
When you're showing,

it's respectful to the judge

to have all of your hair
tucked in.

You don't think
this is a good look?

- If you're a lunch lady.
- Yeah.

You're going to be
really disappointed

when you see me on my horse.

- I'm going to make you
wear a hair net.

- Maybe if I put it on,
I'll look more professional.

What do you think?
Is that better?

- Really loose and gentle.
- Okay.

That's it.

Perfect.

Want to try a rollback?

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Good boy.
- Oh.

- Teddi is very
straightforward,

and she's quite a lot
younger than me,

and I kind of want to
take her under my wing.

And I think our love our horses
is definitely a connection.

He's beautiful, Teddi.
Do you like him?

- Oh, he's amazing.

- He's just a lovely boy,
isn't he?

He never said no, either.
- He never said no.

And even at the beginning,
when I was nervous,

because I haven't ridden
in a while, he was like, okay.

- Okay, I got this.
- So I want to like,

feel safe and comfortable
on a horse.

- See, that's me.
I'm too old to be thrown.

I can't do that anymore.
- Good boy, clever boy.

♪ ♪

- I am very impressed
with how well behaved you are.

- I know.

- Why do I find that
so attractive?

- He took care of me.
- Yeah.

That's the most
important thing.

- Yup.

[upbeat music]

- Lisa Vanderpump wondered
if she'd ever see

the emergence of the old
Lisa Rinna.

Well, Vanderpump,
look no further

than this lunch at Camille's
Malibu beach house.

- Where are you?
Oh, you left me, Jesus.

- I'm already in.
- Okay, fine.

- You're all fancy today.
- No, I was trying to be,

you know, I don't know.

- Is that your casual
beach look?

- This is my casual beach look.
- Oh, Jesus, Erika.

- I know, well, hey, you know?

- Hello.
- Hi.

- Camille! Hi!
- Hi.

- Oh, how cute.
- You look cute.

- Thank you, hi!
- You look gorgeous.

- Hi, Kimber, hi, gorg,
how are you?

- I'm great.
- Get to see you two days

in a row, I love it.
- Thank you.

- I love your shirt.
- Oh, thank you, come on in.

- This is so great.
- Look at my little cottage.

- Right, it's just this...
- Are you kidding?

You a right on the beach.

- Do you mind if I
take off my shoes?

- Please take them off.
- Take those off.

- Okay, what beach are we on?
- This is Malibu Road.

- As soon as
the divorce started,

I knew that I would have
to move out of the house

that Kelsey and I
built together.

- Hi, guys!
- This is stunning.

- Thank you so much for coming.

- I was just going to say.
- Can see why you never leave.

- I had to sell the big house,
because obviously,

financially, I was going
to take that money

to put it into a new house.

Dorit, it's so nice
to meet you.

Welcome to my home.

And I bought a second house
on the beach in Malibu

about a year ago.

Are you girls hungry?
- Uh, I am.

- Not many beach houses
come on the market,

so when I saw
this opportunity,

I thought I needed
to seize it.

Because it's going
to go up in value.

- Look at this.
This is so fabulous.

You know I'm going to want
my little cashmere.

- Yeah, it's chilly,
and I brought blankets, too.

- I'm going to want
my little cashmere.

- Oh, yay, food.
- Thank you.

- I am so glad that you ladies
took the time

out of your busy schedule
to come all the way here.

- Camille,
thank you for having us.

- It's just so great
that we come together

and have fun, and...
- These are the real

important things.

Life, you know, your health
is so important.

- Well, we're just getting
at that age, you know?

- Oh, you, with the age.
- Well, I mean...

- Oh, we're both with the age.
But you're gorgeous.

With the perfect skin.

- I refuse, I'm 17.
- I have skin damage

from here to here.
- I'm 17, I'm 17.

- Well, listen, I'm never going
to look old, damn it, ever.

It's a .....ing constant battle,
and we will all do anything.

I'll sell my soul to the devil,
which I already have.

I'll do anything.

I just want to look good.

- So are you thinking about
a little...

- I'm going to
at some point, yeah.

- You are, that's awesome.
- Of course.

Look how good that looks.
- Mm-hmm.

- Skin care is from here
to here.

You got to go all the way down
to the boobs.

Well, everyone stops here.

And then, this gets all shoddy,
and this gets all ruddy.

You got to match it up, honey.

- We could tape you,
like the old school stars.

- Did they do that?
They tape them from the back?

- Yes they do, still.
- [BLEEP] yeah!

- Do people still do that?
both: Yes, they do.

- So that's why they all look
like that back in the day.

- Yeah, they were all
taped back.

- [mocking accent]
Hello, darling.

- They were taped back
under a wig, babe.

You've got to get
some better gaze.

- I think Vanderpump's
had a face lift.

[dramatic musical flourish]

- You do?
- I do.

- I don't.
- I think she has.

- Oh, I don't.

See, that's exactly
what I'm talking about.

- My car is here,
and I must leave you all.

- But it looks...but it looks...
- That is so shady!

[all yelling]

- Coming up...
- Did you remember

when I got a tattoo
in the eighth grade?

- Yeah.

- Were you mad at me?
- I'm still mad.

- [laughs]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Kyle, I'm making you
do a Jenga.

- Okay.

- You've got to pull out
without knocking it over,

and then build it up
in the meantime.

- That feels kind of like
my friendships.

[both laugh]

This me having a conversation

with some of the women
when I'm upset.

- This Jenga game
is very similar

to this group of girls.

One wrong move,
s...-'s coming down.

- When you stomped off,
I really knew

it was something else.
- [imitates crashing]

And then...
[imitates crashing]

It just keeps coming.

When you were attacked
for standing up for me

when you barely even
stood up for me.

No, I can't, I can't,
I can't do it.

Then you have to rebuild,
crash, rebuild, crash.

Rebuild, crash.

- Don't just take any one.
You've got to think about it.

- You have to be
more calculating, Erika.

- Erika, you have to be
more manipulative

when doing this game.
- Yes.

- Whoever lets it crumble
has to apologize

and say I was wrong,
and I was an as*h*le.

- Okay, fine, [BLEEP] it,
I won't do it.

[BLEEP].

- I do this with Jagger
every day.

- Dorit, your turn.
- I feel like this one.

- But you can't hold.
- Oh, you can't?

- Well, you better
have one hand...

[all scream]

- Jenga!
- [imitates expl*si*n]

- Oh, it's sorry time!

- S...-, you're right.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Where are the wings
and the burgers?

- Okay, mate, sorry,
no wings and burgers tonight.

But when you host...
- b*tch, okay.

- Want us to hang out?
- So healthy.

I don't know that I've ever
done a potluck.

I'm not opposed to it.

I just don't have
that kind of experience.

It's not in my repertoire.

- I already started,
is that rude?

- Start, we're all starving.

- Ladies, thank you for dinner.

- Teddi, thank you
for having us.

- Thank you for having us
as well.

- Being in an intimate setting
like somebody's home

for more than a couple
of hours is how you

break down the barriers,
and you can kind of connect.

[laughter]

- Oh, my God,
we made way too much side.

- No what are you
talking about?

It's a bunch of hungry chicks.

- Like, you get to actually
know the person.

- Here's the good thing.
We all have our...

We all have good sides
and bad sides.

What do you think your best
and worst qualities are?

- I'm loud and bratty
and selfish and obnoxious.

- And you're supportive

and you're strong and you're
a boss b*tch, babe.

- Dorit, it's your turn.
- Okay.

- What do you think is your
best and worst quality

about yourself?
- I don't know.

- She's perfect.
- Go with the loquacious.

We'll all agree on that.
- Loquacious.

I think you're so loquacious.
I have no idea what that means.

- [grunts mockingly]
- It means talks too much.

- Well, that's your best
quality and your worst quality.

- Well, that's what
I've always been told.

Is it something I can change?
Probably not.

Is it something
I want to change?

Not really.

- I know I'm a good friend.
I know I'm a great mom.

And I know I'm a good wife.

I mean, those are things
I know about myself.

The negative part
is I can be controlling.

I mean, I was raised
a certain way.

My mom was very strict.

And we were supposed
to be perfect.

And like, I try not to do that
to my kids,

but like, the other night,
my daughter had

on her Instagram,
they were like, at the beach,

and her friend drank out
of a bottle of wine.

And I saw that, and I was like,
that looks trashy.

Even though it wasn't you,
you have it on your Instagram.

I was so...I was like this.
- You were your mother.

- I felt like my daughter
was upset with me.

I'm like, I feel like
I didn't handle it right.

And then she's going off
to Boston, and I felt bad.

[weakly]
You know?

[all aww]

- Sweetie, oh my goodness.
- It's so stupid.

- No, you're not stupid.
- Anyway, no, anyway.

So the point is, is like,
I didn't handle it right.

- I disagree, I think you did
handle it right.

- No, not according to her
and my husband.

- Just because we're parents,
why do we necessarily

think we're going
to get it right?

Just because
we're 25 years older

than the people we're raising?

- You can't be
your daughter's best friend.

You have to be her mother.
- I think in the end,

you just think about, like,

how much your daughters
love you.

- Yeah.
- And look up to you.

- We're therapists
to each other.

We're girlfriends
to each other.

We're sisters to each other,
and sometimes,

we even have to be a mom
to each other.

- As somebody that's tattooed,
I wish that my mom

would have told me not to.
I wish.

- You have a tattoo?

- Yeah, I wish I didn't
have a tattoo.

I mean, as much as I'm like,
yeah, I love it,

I went and got a tattoo
in the eighth grade.

all: Eighth grade?

- What the [BLEEP]?

- My mom used to
try to scare me

and tell me
that the only people

who got tattoos
were Hell's Angels.

- I have one, do I look
like a Hell's Angel?

[both laugh]

- Yes!

- Well, who would tattoo you?
- What?

- I had an ID
that said I was 18.

- That's ridiculous.

- Hey, Dad,
I just have a question.

Did you remember when I got
a tattoo in the eighth grade?

- Yeah.
- Were you mad at me?

- Yeah.

- [laughs]

Why?
- I'm still mad.

- Oh, my gosh, all right.
I blocked it out, love you.

- Love you too, bye.
- Bye.

[smooth music]

I guess I was in trouble.

So I'm just saying,
in that moment

that you're feeling bummed out

on what you said
to your daughter,

I wish I had that.

I think in order for us all
to remember why we are friends,

we have to have
nights like this.

Where we all feel connected.

- I wear my heart on my sleeve.

- You're pernicious.

- And I'm pernicious.

- She called me...
- Shut up, pernicious.

- We're all enjoying
each other.

Isn't that really
what friendship's about?

- I think what
gets us through life,

is not to focus
on the negativities.

Focus on the positivity,
so cheers to that.

And I love you, thanks, Teddi.

[laughter]

- We all have them.
- We all have them.

- I'm the most in-my-head
person ever, so.

- Are you?
- Yeah, always.

- Teddi's very in-her-head.
- I am very in-my-head.

- I didn't chime in
on your negative...

No, just kidding.
- No.

[laughter]

- To learn more
about the housewives,