09x13 - Grilling Me Softly

[bunniefuu]

- Previously, on "Real

- Previously, on "Real
Housewives of Beverly Hills."

- Are you here
to have a good time?

- Yeah!
- Whoo!

- You can't even get on
with your best friend,

so you could have issues.

- PK, you're in the
same .....ing position!

- If my husband did that,
he woulda called you and said,

"I'm really sorry."

- It's very difficult for me
to believe that you had

nothing to do
with Radar Online.

- If you believe I gave
the story to Radar Online,

we don't have a friendship.

It's easier bloody
talking at Congress than it is

talking to that stupid cow.

- My husband has an RV

and I think we should
do some sort of road trip.

- I wanna go camping.

- How many of us are going?

- We're all going.
- I mean,

I'm assuming Lisa Vanderpump
is not coming. I'm assuming.

♪ ♪

- In the game of life,
it's Rinna take all.

♪ ♪

- Most people talk
about their fantasies.

I'm living mine.

♪ ♪

- In business and in life,

I wear many hats.
And hairstyles.

- You can stab me
in the back,

but whilst you're there,
kiss my a*s.

- I'm not afraid of hard work,

but I'll never
do your dirty work.

- My problem
with the tabloids?

My real life
is so much juicier.

- In Beverly Hills,

the truth always has
a way

of rising to the top.

[dance music]

♪ ♪

[phone line trilling]

- Hello?
- We can't pack a lot of stuff.

That would be ridiculous,
right?

- I would just pack whatever
you're comfortable in.

- Are glam squads coming?
- No glam squad.

I...there's
no room for a glam squad.

- Can...can you...well
just in case a bear sees you,

we gotta be cute. [laughs]
- [laughing]

♪ ♪

- Girls, I'd love to take you,

but this is a trip where I'm
going "au naturale."

- How far away is it?

- It's like a couple
of hours away from, um,

Beverly Hills.
- And it's only 24 hours.

- Yeah.
- What could really go wrong

in 24 hours?
- Wait a minute.

Do you know my friends?

♪ ♪

- You're going camping for
one night.

What is this stuff?

What is all this?

- Wanna be extra, extra,
extra prepared.

- Wire cutters?

- Well, just in case.
- Just in case?

- I mean,
I need a hair dryer.

- I mean is...is there gonna
be electricity on the trail?

Holy mother of God,
these are kind of intense.

One night?
- [laughs]

I will never, ever go hiking
or camping with Harry.

- This is a two-person tent.
- No .....ing way is it.

- Yes, it is.

- You know, Harry,

you just could
not get me to do this.

Harry's trip does
not have a bathroom.

Harry's trip
does not have anything.

This is what is the
most important thing.

- So, you're gonna get
hammered on a camping trip?

- Yes.
- [laughs]

- But with these women,
you never leave Beverly Hills.

Like,
we always take that with us.

I mean, come on,
we're divas.

-You've got a bag
for three weeks here.

- Well, I probably have some
other things I need downstairs,

but now I feel totally
prepared,

just in case.
- [laughing]

- Can you help us carry
this thing out really quick?

Well, actually,
I don't trust you to carry it,

but can you
open the door for us?

- Um, how do you
want me to help?

- No, we need you to open...
- Just open the...

- ...the RV door.

- Growing up in South Carolina,

you go crabbing
or camping or a multitude

of different outdoorsy-type
things.

- Can I grab a piece?
- No!

- Why not?
- What piece do you want?

- I'll take a gummy bear.

Just this pretty bear.
- But no cheese piece.

Being outdoorsy in Los
Angeles is really, like,

everybody's, you know,
wearing full-face makeup

and it's not really camping

or being outdoorsy at all.

You gotta wish me luck.

- Yeah, it's gonna be great.

- Thank you, sir.
- You're welcome.

- Bye.

Hello!
- Come on in!

- Camper here!
- Nice.

- Hi.
- How's it going?

- Well, I'm a little nervous,
but I'm good.

- Little nervous?
You doing good?

- Yeah. I have a big huge bag.
I didn't bring that in.

- What all did you pack?

That's all I packed.

- Shut up.

- Perfect.

Hello.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Thank you, Francisco.

I'll see you tomorrow.

- Look at your boots.
Hilarious.

- Well, I'm scared of ticks.

I like to be prepared in
case something scary happens

like a bear chasing me
or a shark wanting to eat me.

I have like an EpiPen,
Band-A*DS, a machete.

- I got a text
from PK last night.

- What?
- Good.

What'd he say?
- Hold on, what time?

- Basically, "You
know that was, like,

me joking around and you
need to drop it now."

I just wish that
Dorit had handled it better

instead of
making excuses for him.

- He didn't mean anything
by it.

He apologized to you.

At some point...
- Well, not really,

but I don't care.
- We didn't...he did, actually.

- Mm-mm, that wasn't really
an apology.

I said, "Listen, I let go of
things easily and we're done.

Thank you,
I appreciate your text."

- All right, good.
- So, I don't know if

there's gonna be any residual
feelings between Dorit and me.

- Hi, Denise.
- Hi.

- What did you bring?
- I am dead.

She brought muffins.
I love you.

- Yeah.
- That's for breakfast

tomorrow.
- And look

at our cute little shot
glasses.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, cute!

- Those are so cute.
- Hi!

- I'm down for this.
Everybody thinks,

you know, "Erika wouldn't
wanna go camping."

b*tch, I been
camping all my life.

- Look at all the snacks.
- Sna...who got...wait.

- No, me, of course.

- I am a fishing, camping,

go-kart riding,
g*n-sh**ting, tomboy.

- I love this view.
- It's just spectacular.

- Michelle,
come meet everybody.

This is who's driving us today.
Michelle.

- Oh, hey Michelle.
- I was just finishing up.

- Hello?

Hi?
- Hello, how's it going?

- This is a tour.
- I know.

- This is so pretty.
- We're like...hi, honey,

how are you?
- Hi, baby, how are you?

I love your braids.
- Oh, thank you.

- I was thinking
about doing braids myself.

- Hi.

- I love a view.

- Yeah.

- I'm hoping to enjoy
the great outdoors

and not have any tension
with Kyle this trip.

- Should we start loading in?
- Let's do it.

- Oh, my God. I am impressed.
- This is gorgeous.

- Look at your charcuterie.
- It's almost like a tour bus.

- It really is.

- Are we allowed to nibble
on this yet?

- Yeah, dig in.

- Okay, here we go, here we go.

- Camille's here.

- Hi hon, hello.
- Hi, honey.

- Hey!
- Hello! [smooches]

- Hey.
- Hi, hon. [smooches]

- I've seen Camille
and heard her talk

about some of the other women.

- Teddi, she's a bit
of a know-it-all.

There's something about
Dorit that I found fake.

In the Bahamas,
I couldn't believe the stuff

that Rinna was saying.

- I don't think Camille's
gonna be able

to shut her piehole
on this RV trip.

- Hi, how's it going?
- Where are we going exactly?

- North.
- My daughter has those.

- So, is this going
to be another trip

where everything
goes sideways?

Or... [laughs]
Can we have a good time?

- All right, let's get
this show on the road.

-Yes, let's get moving.

[funky music]

- When I was a little girl,
I used to want

to be a truck driver.
- Really?

- You did?
- That or a Playboy Bunny.

Didn't dream very high.

- I'm usually really neurotic.

I don't feel like
that at all right now.

- What is wrong with you?
- I don't know.

- What's wrong?
- She, like,

gets anxiety driving.
- Crazy.

- Oh, me too.
We're getting

a little close to these...

we're getting so close
to these, uh, trucks.

- You guys are making
this a big deal.

It's perfectly fine.

All these chicks
are having a meltdown

and we haven't even gotten
out of the city of Los Angeles.

- Do you guys wanna
talk about room arrangements?

- I asked Denise if
she would sleep with me.

She said she would.
- Perfect.

- Erika and I will room.

- Just so long it's not cold.

- "Not cold" is in the RV.

- If it's cold,
we'll move in here.

- Right.
- But they have heaters

in the tent, I think.
- They do.

♪ ♪

- We are about
to stop at a grocery store.

- Oh, my God, I love a market.

- We need dinner and we need
breakfast for tomorrow.

- Coming in hot.

- Do we really
need two carts, guys?

- [laughing] I don't think so.
- We got one night.

- We need hot dogs, hamburgers,

alcohol, sides.
- Okay.

[bumbling music]

- We could get donuts.
- [sarcastically] Oh, I'm sure

you're gonna
eat a bunch of donuts, Rinna.

- Oh, just for the heck of it.

- [laughing]
- Oh, bagels for the morning.

Who wants
bagels in the morning?

- I can't be eating bread.

- Isn't that cute?

We might have to have a nibble.
- Guys, focus.

- What about turkey chili?
- We're not getting hot stuff,

and then having to...
okay. Let's reel it in.

- Everybody is grabbing
things off the shelf

like it is Armageddon.

- You guys.
- What?

- These cheeseballs.
Do you remember these?

- No, Rinna.
- I do!

It brings me back.

We need the whole
camping-experience food.

You need some chips...

- Hummus and carrots.

- And chicken wings.

- I love pretzels.

- Popcorn.

- We need some desserts.

- Tequila, lots of tequila.

- Almond milk.


- Oh, my gosh.
we have a lot of stuff.

- Do you think
we're good for one night?

- No. Who got this?
- Cheese Whiz?

- Erika.
- Erika.

- What are you talking about?
I got that just for you.

- [laughing]

- Thank you, Teddi.
And we'll chip in.

- I don't think
we're going to use 5%

of all the things
that we've purchased,

so I don't really understand
spending $700.

Where we even gonna fit this?

The back's full
with everybody's bags.

- Are we dividing
the bill into seven parts?

- Correct.
- We there yet?

[laughter]

- Coming up.

- You wanna be an as*h*le,
go be a .....ing as*h*le.

Period, the end of story.
That's how I feel.

The end.

[glamorous music]

♪ ♪

- We're here.

- Welcome to Ventura Ranch.

- This is so cute.
- It's pretty.

- This is very cute.

- Teddi, what are we gonna do
with all the groceries?

- That's what
I'm trying to think.

- Why don't we put all
the perishables we can in here.

- Yeah, like water, kind of...
- This is the mothership.

- Yeah.
- Right?

- Okay.
- Keep it in here.

- Just keep it in here.

- Especially if no
one's sleeping in here.

- Oh, these are the tents?
These are cute.

- This is like a yurt.

- Scott?
- Yes?

- Which one's the nicest?

- They're actually all put
together at the same time.

They're identical.
- You're hilarious.

- You guys, this isn't
like a tent. This is...

This is nicer than
where I stayed in for QVC.

- This is a tent?

- This is not
roughing it, girls.

- No.
- Not at all.

- This is actually really nice.
- I mean, are you kidding?

This is, like,
gonna be so cool.

It's way better than
I expected. Are you kidding?

- It's nice.
- This is gonna be a breeze.

- It's lovely.
It's like glamping.

- [sighs happily]

[both laugh]

- This is comfortable.
- I like it in here.

I wanna sleep in here.
- Oh, my God, me too.

[birds caw]
- Are they...

- Lookit.
They're running from us.

- Are they turkeys?
They're not turkeys.

- I think they're peacocks.
Why are they running from us?

- Peacocks, don't run.
- They're so cute.

- I wish I had
food to feed them.

- I wonder what they eat.

- Excuse me.
- Don't mind us.

We're here for a month.

- Go here.
- What the [BLEEP] is

in this bag?
- Erika,

I'll show you
once we get to the room.

I have a little bit of
everything.

There's...
- Clearly.

What the [BLEEP]
is in this bag, Rinna?

A dead body?

Vanderpump?

- Here, let me take it.
- No, b*tch.

- I'll take this.
No, you can't take both.

Here, let me...
- Yes, I can.

You wanna make a bet?
- I don't want you

to hurt yourself.
- I'm not gonna hurt myself.

- You have a tour to do.

- This is fun.
- This is cool right?

- This is so cute.
- Oh, my God,

this is so cool.
- [exhales]

- Here. Boom.
- [laughs]

- What the [BLEEP]
is in that bag?

- I have a new puffer,
a pillow...

this is my new favorite.

- It's so cool.
- Is that not great?

Oh, I got
some Ugg slippers too.

I've got workout clothes
and then I've got jammies.

I'm gonna change my clothes.

- What're you changing into?
- Well, I have so many choices.

[laughing] I might as well.

- Well, they found a little
table for the beer pong.

- Is it a little
awkward that I'm 47

and playing beer pong?
I mean, I feel a little, like...

- Why don't you
go for the massage first?

- Thank you.
Where is it?

- It's right up there.
- Thank you, Teddi.

- Is this an
actual beer pong table?

- Oh, yeah.

- Just when you
think you've done it all,

you know.
- Nope, you haven't.

- You have not.

♪ ♪

- Hey, hi.
- Hi, how are you?

- Hi, oh, wow.
This is really beautiful.

Nice to meet you.

How about a
little neck and shoulders?

- Neck and shoulder.
- That would be lovely today.

- Oh, okay.

[awkward music]

♪ ♪

- So, I'm not a beer pong pro.

No way!

- Yes!
- Now both of you

need to drink now.
- Yes!

- Beer pong champ.

- No.
- What?

[laughter]

- [cheers]

- No! [laughing]

- Hold on.

I closed my eyes.
- N...

- Yes!
- Who are you?

- For a woman that has a
lot of opinions on stemware,

she sure knows her way
around that plastic Solo Cup.

- We've got one more.

- Oh!
- [cheering]

- [laughing]

- [laughs]
You can hear my friends.

- I had my tiny drink ready.
[laughs]

- That looks dangerous.
- [laughs]

- You know sometimes, Denise,
you just take a risk.

- I did once. That was the day.

- What day was that?
What day did you mess up?

- You know, I think...
- Everybody makes mistakes.

- It's so important...
- Nobody's perfect.

- To teach
that to our children.

- Do you regret going to Lisa's
and talking to her and Ken?

- I don't regret
wanting to go there

and have that conversation.
I regret the outcome.

- I don't understand how it
turned where she's angry

with me because even when,

- Because she was originally
angry at you, Dorit.

That's what you're missing.
- It was a passive aggressive

move.
- It was a passive...

it was your punishment.

- Ah!

- Hey, get over here!

- Can I tell you something?
- Was it good?

- First off,
it felt so good, you guys.

I loved every minute of it.

- Okay.
- I was on the balcony, it was,

like, the sun...and I
could hear... [laughs]

And I said,
to the lady, I was like,

"Those are my friends."
Thank you, so much.

- Oh, good. Of course.
- From the bottom of my heart

because I really needed it.
- You needed it?

- How does you
face look so good though,

after your massage?
- I didn't smash my facedown.

I did it upward.
- Oh.

- Oh, God.
- I don't go facedown anymore.

I only go faceup.
- I can't afford to squish

this all up.

You don't wanna
squish this face.

Honey, this...this
is the moneymaker here.

I have to be very careful.

Gotta preserve the plastic.

- You girls can catch Erika up,
but I'm just,

you know, as far as LVP goes,
I mean, guys, she...

she drew a line in the sand.

She couldn't
have made it clearer,

both her and Ken.
- Can I tell you how I feel?

- Yeah.
- I care about the women

that are at this table.
You wanna be an as*h*le?

Go be a .....ing as*h*le.

But, as far as I'm concerned,
I care about

the women in this group.
The women that show up.

I wanna be friends with people

that are easy
to get along with,

that don't keep score,

that don't move chess
pieces around on a board,

that don't try to make
themselves look great

and you look sh...-y.

I never have bought it;

I never will buy it.

That's how I feel.
The end.

It's almost like the queen
that shows you the apple.

"Want some?"

- I don't have any guilt,
I just...I just feel

like...like...like, at times,
I miss her.

I'd like her to be here with
us, laughing, and she's not.

- That's her choice.
That's her choice.

- I know it is her choice.
- Yeah.

- She's given
us a fait accompli.

She's given me a fait accompli,
and she's made it very clear...

- Oh, Dorit, your life will be
just fine without that sh...

Bye. Sorry.
- [laughing] No.

- But not really.
[all laugh]

- Coming up.

- I used to wear these
contraptions with my ex.

- You mean a strap-on?
[laughter]

- Oh, my God.

[crickets chirping]

- All right, this is where
you need to watch out

for the ticks.
- No! Don't say that.

- Stop!
- I have a phobia of ticks.

- Oh, God.
- Whoa.

- Don't scare her.
- Well,

she should look out though.

- Oh. Zika virus. Zika.
- Oh, my God.

- I like being in the outdoors.

I let...I let
you guys go in front,

in case there's a snake.

My husband
tries to scare me

and tell me there's gonna be
bugs and all these things

and I'm not gonna like it.
so I'm ready for this.

I just don't like, you know,
furry spiders...

and snakes.

Or any kind of bug at all.

[sticks clicking]

- Teddi?
- What's that supposed to be?

To scare the bears?

- In case there's a bear,
you think that's

gonna make it go away?
- You're crazy.

Are there bears out
in Los Angeles?

- Where else do you
think the bears live?

- Kyle, I think
that calls them!

- That is what calls them.
- It calls them, yes.

- I have dirt in my toes.

- Who's gonna rock climb?
- Let's do it.

- Let's do it.
- Let's go.

- How are you?
- I'm well, and yourself?

- I'm Denise.
- Hi, I'm Forrest.

- Hi, Forrest.
Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.
Have you done this before?

- I have not.
- Okay. This loop right here?

Hold out near
your chest like that.

I'm going to put
this around your leg.

- Have you done this before?
- Uh-uh.

- Oh, my God,
we gotta wear a contraption?

- There's a little
red buzzer up there.

- Yeah.
- Whoever hits their buzzer

first, I guess.
- Oh, my God, we're racing?

- Oh, we're racing?
- Yes.

- Wait, wait, wait.
- On your marks,

get set, go.

- My money's on Teddi.
- Ah, sh...

- They're gonna race?
- I don't know, Dorit's,

like, moving.
- This is higher than it looks.

- Oh, my God.
- [BLEEP].

- Oh god, [BLEEP].
- Oh, oh.

- Careful.
- Dorit looks like Spiderman.

I'm kinda shocked at how
fast she's coming up this wall.

- Oh crap,
this is high.

- I think Dorit is winning.
- I think so.

- I'm last.
- You did it!

Whoo! Big shout out Dorit!
- Wow,

impressive Dorit.

- Whoo!
- You wanna go again?

- Oh [BLEEP] no.
[laughs]

- Dorit kicked my butt
in rock climbing. There,

I said it.

- I used to wear
these contraptions with my ex.

- What! Camille!
- That's why we're

no longer together.
- You mean a strap-on?

- Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God.
- I know what I'm looking at.

- My ex and I did some sexy,
kinky play.

[laughs]

This is what we
do for the people we love.

- Oh, my God.
I'm scared. Okay.

- Wait, Lisa, you gotta wait.

- Oh.
- Hurry, catch up!

- That's cheating!
Rinna cheated.

- You look so good Rinna,

you are just scaling that wall!
- I'm scared,

I'm getting scared.

I'm just excited
to go camping,

but I don't like heights. Like,

why would I climb a fake rock?

- You can do it Kyle.
- Come on, Kyle, you can do it.

- Ugh, this peer pressure
is ridiculous.

- Rinna actually likes heights.

- Oh, my goodness!
- You look like you

belong up there.

- I don't like the way the
fingers grip on these things.

- You're almost there, Kyle.

You're past the halfway mark.
- I know, but then I think

about how high up I am...
- Don't, don't.

- And I get scared.

When I am up
high and I look down,

my entire body goes numb.

- Beautiful.
- Oh, wow.

- Oh, my God.
I don't wanna do this.

My legs are numb and tingly
all the way up to my tweeter.

.....ing hell,
I don't wanna go anymore.

- Come on,
honey, you can do it.

- I'm done.
- No, Kyle, you can do it.

- No, no.
- Kyle, just go back

and you'll drop down.
- No. I'm happy with my life.

I like...I like everything
the way it is. No me gusta.

- Erika.
- Ah! Erika.

- Whoo!
[buzzer sounds]

- She knows how to get down.
- Yeah!

- [BLEEP] all y'all.
[laughter]

I want a mother.....ing
burnt-a*s hot dog.

- We have stuff
for toppings here.

The chips can be combined.

- Wait, help me get these
.....ing potatoes off of there.

- Ow. Ugh.
- Wait, that side...

I'll burn myself.
- Okay.

Don't get the towel in there.
- I know.

- Oh, lookit, Camille has it.
Look it, Camille's got

a better thing.
- Wait.

It's starting to catch
on fire.

- Other than that,
we're good.

- So, should I not cook these?
- No. Just do it.

- You can cook them.

- Spray, uh, oil or something?

- Oh, these have oil on them.
- They do?

What about the hamburgers?
- You don't need oil on those.

- You don't?
- No.

- Wow.
- I don't think so.

- I was a vegetarian
up until a few months ago.

I was actually a
vegetarian when I met Aaron

and my daughter, Sami,
was absolutely

.....ing devastated
when she found out I ate meat.

It looks very good.

- I've been
trying to be vegan for,

like, ten years and
then you just give up.

- Does that upset you?
- Disappointed.

- It's almost as if I started

doing drugs or doing
something really awful.

- You know what,
the olive oil was to dust the,

no, not the burgers.
- No,

you don't put it on here.
- Not on the burgers.

- [BLEEP].
- Well, she said

put it on the burgers.
- No, baby, on the grill,

on the grill.
- Oh.

- Why on the grill?
- Because you need to...

they said you need to
put the olive oil on the grill

otherwise it'll stick.
- Oh, oh, oh.

- Is that plastic?
The plastic on the stove,

no, no, no, no. Not a good
idea.

- Put the corn on here too.

- That's gonna melt it. Maybe
we shouldn't flip with that.

- This is all
I have to flip it.

- Can we please move this?
Step away from the grill.

These girls do not belong
anywhere near fire. Okay?

- Here we can close this
a little bit for the steaks.

We wanna get it hotter.
- I don't like this.

- I know the...it's not
for here, but it's all we have.

- This is all we have?

Remove yourself immediately,

because you're gonna
k*ll somebody, if not yourself.

- Thank God, Kyle! Ugh!
- Oh, thank you.

- Wait, wait, wait.
- Are you kidding me?

- What is going on?

- Uh, it does not look good.
- No, you guys, no.

No. Okay.
- You don't understand.

I didn't get a chance
to get the olive oil

and they already
had everything on there...

- One, turn it down.
[all yelp]

- Oh, God.
- Camille's fired

from this job.
And that thing's burning up,

you can't use the rubber.

This is fine,
we got it.

- We can totally
handle this guys.

- You two,
go have a drink,

play some beer pong.
- Thank you.

- No, I got this.
- No, you guys are fired.

- We are not fired.
- No,

this corner is not gonna cook.
- It's better than nothing.

- See, it's fine.
- No,

we're not,
we're not closing it.

- I know but
this...this is the raw...

- You two...
- Okay.

- Don't.
- All right we are

.....ing fired.
- Okay, bye.

- Not cool.
Teddi, girlfriend.

I know how to grill meat.

- Camille, did you put
the thing on top of there?

- I will rinse it off.
It's all my fault, of course.

- Burgers are ready.
Here you go.

- Thank you.

- This looks so nice.
It's so cute.

- Maybe they won't be so bad.
- Maybe they won't.

- [laughs]
- Oh, my God,

how quickly did that happen?

Are you guys already eating?
- Yeah, we're starving. Sorry.

- Yeah.
- Sorry.

- Lisa, have a hamburger
or hot dog.

- Wow.
- Is it really nice up there?

- Was it great?
- There's room for one more.

- I'm...somebody should go.
- Somebody should go.

- Is it all right?
- Yeah.

- You just take that up.
Have a couple of quick bites.

- Just put that
back on the grill,

don't worry.
- I'll be back.

- Well, this is fun.
Camping like this.

- I think it's quite nice.

- And you're
getting married soon.

- How're you feeling?
- I'm fine.

I can't wait
to get married at this point.

- So, Denise can't go?
- She's filming,

she's doing a movie.
- Oh, she's in that movie.

- She couldn't
change the dates.

- Erika can't go.
- Erika can't,

and has Lisa Vanderpump RSVPed?

- She's not gonna come if
she doesn't...she didn't come

to my bridal shower.

What happened to Vanderpump?
She's not here.

She's not coming?
- Obviously, not coming.

- Ah.
- Like, you've reached out,

you've done
everything that you can.

- There's...it's a little,

it's more history,
there's more history though.

- But if you really care,
truthfully, Camille,

if you really care,
don't text her.

Pick up the phone
and call her and say,

"I want you at my wedding," if
that's the truth

and that's what
you really want.

I mean, that's
how you handle things.

- Teddi's inserting
herself into conversations

that not necessarily
she should be involved with.

I'm on the fence about
it because I don't want her

to feel like
she's forced to come.

- This is your wedding.
This is your big day

and the people that are there
should be there

because
they wanna be there for you.

- She's just a know-it-all.
- It's your wedding.

- And I find it irritating.

- Coming up.

- Have you had a
happy ending massage?

- Yep.
- [gasps]

- Everyone's judging me.

- No!
- We wanna know more.

[wolf howls]

- Mm-hmm. Mmm.

- You may continue experiencing

the relaxation of this massage
the rest of the evening.

- Thank you so much.

- Who's gonna start the fire?

- I can do it.

Just call me master fire lady.

- Okay.
- Where's Lee Adams?

- [laughs]

- Are we making s'mores?

- Denise how was it honey?

- She's good.
You don't get a happy ending.

but it's a good massage.
[laughter]

- Do they have happy
ending places for...for women?

- Yes.
- Happy ending for women?

- No, but I mean like,
Aaron had never

had a happy ending,
and we were on the hunt.

- For one? He wanted one?
- Yeah. No,

I wanted him to have one.

- You wanted to let him get
a massage with a happy ending?

- Yeah.
- What?

You wanted him to
have a happy ending?

- I just...he's the only
guy that I had ever been with

that never had one,
I'm like, you have to try it.

- A happy ending,
just to confirm,

is a hand job.
- Yeah,

at the end of the massage.

- You have a fetish!
- No, I don't have a fetish.

He was the only
person that had never had one.

- Only person you know.
- Erika, I need you...

I need your brain.
- Of all the...

of all the sick guys
that I've been with,

he was the
only one that hadn't.

- She asked...she
and Aaron went on a hunt,

per Denise's choice...
- To...because he had never had

a happy ending massage before.
- A jerkoff one?

- Yeah, so we got him one.

- Did he like it?

- He was .....ing mortified.

- But I just
needed to understand...

- I'm not judging.
I'm just saying I'm not

that cool.

I don't think I'd be considered
cool...

- I don't know if that's cool.

I don't know if that is cool.

If anybody came near my
husband for a happy ending,

they would lose an arm.

And he would lose
a very important appendage.

- Never, ever, ever,
gonna happen PK,

so forget about it.

- No, it just...that's not
where my freak flag goes.

- If Edwin went
to get a happy ending,

he would have a happy
removal shortly after.

- I don't know of any man
in my life

that hasn't .....ed
hookers.

I mean, I've never heard that
come out of Tom's mouth,

but I know he was a young man.
- Wow,

the conversations we
are having on a camp trip.

- So, question, do you watch?
- No.

- I love that you look at
me like I'm crazy right now.

"Never!"
- Kyle's starting to twitch...

- I know.
- But you drove him?

- You're twitching your boobs.
I can see it.

- I'm wanting to know if...have
you had a happy ending massage?

- Have I ever had one?
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- [gasps] Really?

- Hold on,
what happens with a woman?

Fingerbanging?
- What happened?

- Well, not fingerbanging...
- [BLEEP].

- Well, what's it called?
- I...ah!

- Oh, my God.
- It wasn't here though,

but it...I-I didn't plan for it,
it just...

- What're you...
- What?

- I didn't stop it.
- Was it a man or a woman?

- What?
- Was it a man or a woman?

- It was a woman. I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- Why are you sorry?
- Hold on, we're curious.

- Everyone's judging me.
- No!

- We wanna know more.

- If that's what your freak
flag wants to do,

fly it, honey.

Just don't get arrested.

- What did they do to you?

- They ate her out,
what do you think they do?

- No, they don't!
- What?

- No, no, no.
- Erika,

don't walk away like
you think that this is like,

that this...
- Because that's the truth,

that's what happens!
- But where does that happen?

- That was...that,
no. That's not true,

that's not what happened.
- Why is everybody acting

like such a .....ing nun?
- No, I'm not a nun.

I'm definitely not a nun.
- No, I'm not a nun.

- I mean, I see these places,
you know, with, like,

"massage" outside, and
I thought they were really

getting a massage.

- Did you have an orgasm?
- Oh, God.

- Let's make s'mores.
[laughter]

- Aaron might be a little
upset that I've revealed

this information.

I might get in a little
trouble when I get home.

- I wanna know why no one's
ever tried to happy ending me.

[laughter]

- All right,
who else has secrets to share?

[laughter]
- How do we top that though?

- I know, I don't know.
- I had a relationship

with somebody in New York
for three years,

and we had these incredible
sexual encounters.

Doing all this, interesting...
- Like what?

Details please.
- Well, they say a man

has a better orgasm if you
massage their prostate,

so I went up and massaged his
prostate through his bum-hole.

♪ ♪

- Blegh. Ugh.

Guh.

No, uh-uh. Nope.

- You go underneath and
massage the prostate.

[laughter]
- Camille, you're a legend

- [laughs] "You're a legend"!

- Let's get drinks.
- Girls, who wants a drink?

- I'm fine.
- Anyone?

- Well, don't have any
interesting conversations

without me. Kyle?
- Never.

- Promise.

- So, Kyle.
- Yes.

- Things are better with you
and Dorit since last night.

- PK sent me a text
last night and we're fine now.

- Things don't fly out of your
mouth that you're not thinking.

Sorry, they don't.
- That's true. That is true.

- He said "I had a few drinks."
- 'Cause that's who he is.

- That's who he is.
- That's who he is.

- Yeah, he's deliberate though.
- It's not malicious,

but it's deliberate.

- Maybe it was malicious,
who knows?

- What feels malicious?
- Oh, we're just talking about,

you know, PK,
and the other night.

- Come on.

[tense music]

♪ ♪

- Coming up.

- You like to talk
out the side of your mouth,

but the second you're
with somebody to their face,

you back down.
Then you have a whole new

story to play.
- Well, my face is right here.

- Maybe it was malicious,

- Maybe it was malicious,
who knows?

- What feels malicious?
- Oh,

we're just talking
about you know, PK,

and the other night.
- Come on.

- No, it was a good thing,
it was a good thing.

- Okay.
- I said I...

that he sent me a text,
and I felt good about that.

And, obviously,
you went and talked to him.

- I did,
I went straight,

and of course I would because,
Kyle, he was,

from the very beginning,
I told you. I just...

I'm fully appreciative of
sensitivity and how you felt.

He really thought,
"Well, we hugged.

We're done. We're good."

[groans]

- I really like PK,

it's just men say
stupid [BLEEP] sometimes.

They, men do say
stupid [BLEEP] sometimes.

- But I also think
this situation put everybody

in an uncomfortable way.
- Yes.

- So,
even if it's not malicious,

you're deliberately
trying to cover your own a*s.

And then it's, you know,
the backtrack didn't go well.

That's what it was.
- Ugh, the smoke.

- I know, we have to
move away from the smoke.

Let's move over here guys.

- Teddi seems to have
an answer for everything.

Gotta love her.

- I think it was PK
acting out on how he felt

about the situation.
- I know you do.

You saying that it
was deliberate or it was

meant you know to hu...it
doesn't help the situation.

It's inaccurate,
it's unfair, and that hurts me.

- In that moment, I would
say it right to PK's face.

I think he's hurt,

but if you're in
an uncomfortable situation

and you're not able
to clear it up,

you do little lashes and
you hope that they're okay...

- Well, it's passive
aggression.

- It's just being
passive aggressive.

- It really wasn't about Kyle.
- I'm sorry,

I have to disagree.
- I disagree too.

- I'm telling you I'm not...in
this instance it wasn't.

- Sometimes, Teddi,
I think you insinuate yourself,

and you're very bright,
but I don't,

I don't...I agree...
- You said I'm very bright?

Thank you. Thank you
for your approval Camille.

Thank you, appreciate it.
- No, no, you're a bright girl.

You're insightful
for your...you know,

you're pretty...
- The point was...

- It was very insightful.
- "For my age"?

I mean, really?

I hate when
people talk down to me.

You feel good?
Talk down to me?

All right.
- Who talked down to you?

- You did.
- Me?

- Because...
- I didn't say...

I didn't talk down to you.
I just said that sometimes

you insert yourself into a
conversation like after

the night after PK said that.

- But he didn't mean it that
way.

- But the hard part is,
then he goes,

"We're good.
Me and Ken are good.

Me and Vanderpump are good."
- That doesn't matter.

I'm not talking
about that right now Teddi.

- But you're the
heart of that situation.

- And do me a favor,
let me have a conversation

with Kyle for two seconds.

- And it upset Kyle,

I thought like,
or upset Dorit.

- Stick to the story line
and then we can...

- Oh, you're talking
down to me now.

- Well cause, I don't like when
you talk down to me saying,

"You're young."
That's actually...

- But you are.
- Very passive aggressive.

- You're young.
No, it's not.

- Yes, it is.
You don't need to preface it.

We're all human beings but...
- Oh, my God.

- I just said the other night
when they had their argument,

you pushed yourself
into that conversation and

I thought that was just
between the two of them,

and that's how I feel.

And you sat down with
Lisa and Ken and you said,

"I know, because I
know everything cause I know,

cause I know," and I was like...
- I didn't say

I know everything.
I said I'm very direct.

- "I know a lot."
- Did you say

you're a know-it-all?
- No, I said...

- I said she's a know-it-all.
I said that.

I said that to her.

I said I thought that
you putting yourself into

the conversation
between the two of them,

it was inappropriate.
- It was inappropriate.

- That's what I said.

'Cause Dorit came over

to explain things to Kyle

and then Teddi just jumped in.

I just feel like
she's a bit of a know-it-all.

- Why wouldn't
you say that to me, Camille,

in the moment
when we were all sitting there?

What I've noticed about you
is you like to talk out of

the side of your mouth but the
second you're with somebody

to their face, you back
down, and then you have

a whole new story to play.
- Well, my face is right here.

- Okay, have I said I know
this?

No, I'm expressing my
opinion.

- No, you told me she...
- You insinuate yourself

a lot into conversations.
- It was a setup.

- Go ahead.
What?

- That you
thought it was a setup.

- She thought...she comes
up with this conspiracy theory.

You felt that it was...
- What, the Boy George blow out

was a setup?
- Yeah.

You had this
conspiracy about it.

- That was really,
it was insensitive.

- It was on purpose.

It was to say you're worse
off than I am

in this situation,
and that was the intention.

- Teddi's getting a little
too big for her britches.

She's always telling
us how much she knows.

And if you know that much,
you don't have to tell

everybody how much you know.

You know,
here's the thing,

it was created by
somebody else you guys.

You know what,
you're right about that.

The hurt, the original hurt,
stems from Lisa.

And her problem...and it's
becoming this toxic wave

that's taking over.
- What's like a toxic wave?

- Lisa said it all
stems from this one person,

I said who?
Lisa Vanderpump.

And it's kind of bleeding
out and it keeps growing and

getting bigger.
- But, well, that's why

we can't let that happen.
- Stop it now. Listen.

- We don't care about her,
she's choosing not to be here,

fine,
we're moving on.

- I am sensitive.
The day before I had a friend,

that I believed...
a friend of mine...tell me

she wants nothing
to do with me,

we have no friendship,
I don't love you.

I still wanna move forward,
honey.

- With somebody that
you think's lying to you?

- Yes.
- Oh, okay.

- I love you.
- How can you say you love me?

- Oh, I actually don't.

- And then I
go into an evening,

and I have you, and saying...
well I haven't met

your friends...
- You know all my friends.

I already know her friends...
- I don't know all

your friends, I don't know
all your friends.

- Well, maybe we're not
that good of friends.

- Well great,
you just gave me a Lisa line.

It was just like,
at that moment,

oh, my God,
okay, you know what?

- I'm sorry if I
hurt your feelings.

- I think-
- I didn't mean it like that.

- Do we need to talk about
happy .....ing endings again?

- No, yeah, we do.

- Should we move
onward and upward and forward?

- Give me some
more information, Denise.

- I will.
- How am I not even drunk?

How is that possible?
- Teddi,

you're very drunk for your age.
[laughter]

- Yeah, I just wanted
to let you know.

- I don't care
how old my soul is.

I'm not as old as any of y'all.

[laughter]
- Well, that is the truth.

And, you know,
the sad part of it all is

I am now the oldest
in this .....ing group.

- Well, you know what...
- Oh, you are?

- I am the .....ing oldest
right now!

- Coming up.

- Denise, we wanna know if we
want to go

to a happy ending place...
- How do you let them know?

- That might do it.

♪ ♪

- Ah!
- Oh, not even start with me.

Are you a nut or what?
- Obviously.

- Oh, my God.
- Well, those are cozy pajamas.

- I know those...
- Isn't that cute?

- This is the good one,
for sh... like this.

- I have to say,
mine was really warm.

- I had a dream that
you got Portia a squirrel.

You put it on the floor,
just like you put

the rat on the floor last
night.

[laughter]

[screams]

Oh, they threw
that .....ing rat in!

- I never got to
go to summer camp,

so this is my summer camp.

- Ah! Assholes.

- What's this wrap hanging out?

- Ah!

You are never too old
for slumber parties

and playing practical jokes
on each other.

- This turned out to be fun.

- We may have had
some little divots,

but all in all I...
- It was really fun.

- I had fun.
- Hello.

- Hi.
Top of the morning.

- Hi.
- This is lovely.

- When it comes to Camille,
her antics,

I'm used to them by now.

If she likes you today,
she may dislike you tomorrow.

I'm gonna go rinse off.
See you all in a bit.

And I'm not really interested
in going down that rabbit hole.

- I'm gonna eat
this pumpkin pie.

Who doesn't want
pumpkin pie for breakfast?

That's the
breakfast of champions, okay?

- I'd like a piece of pie.

- Love that you're having
pumpkin pie for breakfast.

- So good.
- I just ate

Cheese Whiz
and pumpkin pie for breakfast.

I'm ready to go.
Let's get in the car,

it's time to go home. The end.

- Oh, my gosh.
- Oh sh..., this is heavy.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

- Like, don't ever
call me a diva, honey.

I can carry all my bags.

- Well, that was fun.

- Denise, we wanna know if we
want to go

to a happy ending place it...
- Oh .....ing hell.

- Wait, wait, Denise,
this is not about you.

We're doing research
for our own...

- This is literally about women
- Do you want me

to do some research for you?
- Yes.

Because Dorit was up all night
and couldn't

find one close to her house.
- [laughing]

- There's not one... [laughs]

- Like,
how do you let them know?

[laughter]
- That, that might do it.

- All right,
I have a group announcement.

We're all invited.
My show, Sunday. I know...

- Yay.

- I know you're getting
married, so that's cool.

- And I'm leaving for Hawaii.
- I know you're filming.

- So sorry. I'm so bummed
I'm gonna miss it.

- The rest of you,
you're invited.

Bring your husbands if you
want, if you don't want,

it's great.
Globe Theater, downtown.

Easy breezy.
Have a good time. All right.

- Yay.
- Okay, we love it, love it.

- Erika Jayne!
- Erika Jayne...well this,

I gotta go metamorphosize.

Let's get the [BLEEP]
up out of here.

- I love when people say,

"Don't listen to the haters,
Kyle,"

and I'm like, where are
the...which ones?

What did they say?

You making fun of me?
On my Instagram?

- I won't look
at those responses.

- These kind of trips help
your relationships

get to a deeper place.

I have to say, though,
it has changed a bit.

You know, with like J-Lo
and the Kardashians

and like all...it's like, now,
it's like if you're fuller,

it's different.
I'm like, "Oh, okay,

well my butt looks big in this.
Yay."

[laughter]

- You're laughing,
maybe arguing a little,

you're sharing things
you wouldn't normally share.

You just get to a different
place in your friendship

that you're not going to
get to at a c*ck party.

My daughters don't feel
that pressure of being thin,

like, that I felt growing up...
- Really?

- Because the
body type has changed...yeah.

- Yes.
- Well, that's great.

- It used to be Marilyn Monroe,
that's what was sexy,

and then they got super skinny.

Kate Moss became...she came
and started the whole...

- That's unrealistic.
- Heroin chic,

waif-looking, you know?
- Horrible.

My girls don't feel that.

- You know, it's not
an easy time to grow up.

Imagine being a teenager...

- Teenager and having
to deal with it? Horrible.

- And having to deal
with social media.

Like, we had a mirror
to deal with, basically, right?

- It's hard out there.
It is not easy.

The pressure's a
lot to be perfect.

Have my girls had
a rough time of it? Yes.

- All I cared about was
the skinniness.

It's hard, and I don't want
what happened to me

to happen to other people.
- I know.

Your image was in a mirror,
you saw yourself,

and you judged yourself off
of that or your friends.

- Yep.
- That's it.

- That's it.
- All I've tried to do,

more than anything,
is to teach my girls self-love

and how to love yourself
no matter what.

No matter how you look.

- Do you think
women are more pressured,

like, in LA and
Hollywood than anywhere else?

- I don't know anymore.
- When I'm not

taking care of myself,
it really takes away

my motivation, my drive,
everything.

- Yeah.
- I look at myself

as an art project,

and I'll create whatever
I want till I wanna stop.

- I like that.

- ♪ Kumbaya, my Lord,
kumbaya ♪

- Okay, yeah.
all: ♪ Kumbaya, my Lord ♪

♪ Kumbaya ♪

- Next time, on "The Real
Housewives of Beverly Hills."

- You're gonna
love the kitchen.

- Oh, I'm so excited.

- Are you ready for this?
- Oh, my gosh.

- I have to get going cause
I have to get to the airport.

- Mom, why are you crying?

- Because this is a big dance
and I feel bad

that I'm not gonna be here
to see you leave.

- I wish there
was a way I can help.

If you were to
come to my wedding,

which you know I would
love for you to be there,

I would want you
to feel comfortable,

so, will you come?

- I mean it is packed.
- How fun right?

It's packed.

[mic squeals]

[mic squeaks]

- That's a disaster.
- [BLEEP].

- She's .....ing
pissed off right now.

- To learn
more about the housewives,