01x02 - Havoc

[bunniefuu]

[soft guitar music playing]

[music fades]

[Gus yelps]

What the f*ck? That must have crawled
into my arms in the night, little…

[Gus groans]

Right, a bit of telly.

{\an8}[Gus groans]

{\an8}[indistinct shouting on TV]

[cat 1] f*cking go on, you c**ts.
Smash the f*ck out of it.

That's like us, innit?
We do what the f*ck we like, don't we?

- Yeah, chaos.
- Yeah!

Have that telly
through the f*cking window.

- Yes! Yes!
- [Gus, cat 2] Yeah!

- [cat 1] Let it f*cking burn.
- f*cking looting and f*cking robbing.

- Have that.
- Stabbing.

Big bag of rice. Go on.

- You ever been stabbed?
- Oh yeah.

- You ever been stabbed?
- Stabbed, no.

- Fingered, yes.
- Who by?

By a bunch of boys. Summer holiday.

Bunch of boys kicking cans
down the street. You know the sort.

- Yeah.
- Bored out of their minds. They see me.

- Pick me up by the tail.
- See your arsehole.

Take me back to their home.
Their dad's made them a treehouse.

- Up the ladder. In the treehouse.
- All sorts up there.

Secrets they'll keep forever.

So, uh, you know, just exploring
their childhood, exploring me.

- So this boy put his finger up your arse?
- Yeah. Absolutely.

Then he just put me on the floor,
walked away, and I fell asleep.

Job done.

Are we looking for my house again?

Give us a chance, kid.
I've only just woken up.

I haven't even f*cking yawned
and stretched yet. You know what I mean?

[yawning]

Aren't you gonna stretch?

What, are we in the f*cking army
or summat like that?

- Hi, g*ng.
- f*ck off.

Oh, charming.

- "Charming."
- Yeah, f*cking charming.

Straight away. First thing in the morning!
"Charming"! f*cking hell.

We're having a convo
about this c**t getting fingered,

then you come round with "charming"!

- What?
- What sort of talk is that?

Is that charming?
Getting fingered in the bum?

That's what he'd say if he was fingered!

"Oh, charming! Carry on."

Dirty fingernails up your jax.

[Gus laughs]

Yeah! He goes to the vet. He has
a f*cking thermometer put up his arse.

"Oh, can we go to the vet, Mummy?" "Why?"

"'Cause I want someone
to f*cking probe me!"

I'm not asking for the a**l penetration.

That is simply to work out
whether I have a fever.

It's completely legit.

Dirty boy.

What's, um… what's going on in here?

- [cat 1] f*ck all.
- [cat 2] f*ck all, mate.

We just yawned and stretched.
Gus yawned. He hasn't stretched yet.

No, you've gotta stretch.
Seriously, that's how you get arthritis.

I've stretched, had my breakfast,
absolutely destroyed my scratching pole.

- You should see.
- And come around here like a little c**t.

- Not little or a c**t.
- As usual.

- Hiya.
- Hi, Olive.

- What's up?
- Gus hasn't even stretched yet.

f*ck me! Can we talk about summat else?
Where's the kid?

I'm here!

Where do you live, Olive?

Got my own place upstairs.

- Why don't you live down here?
- 'Cause it f*cking stinks.

- Huh.
- Charming.

I need some fresh air, actually.

Just, uh… just wanted to let you know
that it's lucky you came to me, really.

- Why?
- [Gus] Well…

Because I'm the best cat
in the neighborhood.

- Are ya?
- Not for me to say.

Who should I ask?

Well, don't ask anyone,
'cause they probably won't know,

because they're not as good as me.

Just be grateful.

Thanks, Gus.

No problem.

Right, let's find your house.

And on the way, cause some f*cking havoc.

[gentle music playing]

There's Old Pete.

- Hey, guys.
- [cat 1] Hello, mate.

- [Old Pete coughs, wheezes]
- [Gus] Oh.

- Oh dear.
- Hi, Pete.

- Hello, Pete.
- You okay?

- Just getting old.
- [Gus] Yeah.

- [Old Pete wheezes]
- Happens to all of us.

- So…
- See you, mate.

- Good luck.
- See you later, Peter.

- Anyway, ciao.
- [Old Pete coughs]

[wistful music playing]

There's that cat that you fancy
with her boyfriend who you're scared of.

- I'm not scared.
- Yes, you are, mate.

Listen, I'll f*cking sort him out
if you're scared.

No, leave it. I'm not…
I'm not f*cking scared!

- You look scared.
- Doesn't bother me.

- 'Cause I'm not scared of anything.
- You are. Spiders.

I'm talking about aggro, ain't I?

- Spiders don't count.
- Why?

Uh… Oh, why? Oh, I dunno.

Maybe the f*cking eight legs
and f*cking ten eyes the c**ts have got.

- That's why.
- f*cking sh*t creature, mate.

Absolutely sh*t. The most horrible
little f*cking creature on earth, I'd say.

Blob of sh*t
with a load of thread hanging off it.

- Incredible builders, though.
- [Gus] What?

They say a cobweb,
if it was the equivalent size,

is as strong as a steel pylon.
Have you heard that?

- f*ck their cobwebs.
- Oh, okay.

But it's not as big, is it?
So let's smash it.

Next time you see a spider building a web,
just wait. "Oh yeah, go on. Go on."

- It's taking hours. Oh, that's lovely!
- Well done. Well done.

Right. You get the spider out of the way.
I'll smash the f*ck out of that web.

How long's that? Two days?

- Yeah!
- f*ck your web!

[laughing]

- Okay, so you're gonna just wait two days.
- Yeah.

Next to a spider spinning its web,
and then just destroy his web?

- Yeah!
- In seconds?

Just what? For entertainment?

- Animal kingdom, mate. Animal rules.
- Okay.

Exactly, and just know
I'm not scared of anything.

- What about a crocodile?
- Nah.

Smack it. Run away from it.

Smack it?

Yeah, just whack it.
Run away. It's got stumpy little legs.

In the water, forget it.
That's his domain.

I admit that, but I'm never gonna
go in the water, am I?

- Are you scared of water?
- No!

No, of course I'm f*cking not!

Messes your hair up, doesn't it?
Makes you look a right c**t.

Being drenched in water
is the worst thing.

There's one thing worse
than being in water.

- What?
- Elephant pissing on you.

- What? Why is it pissing on you?
- It does it for a laugh.

I just had a thought.

We're evolved from lions, aren't we?

- We are little lions, aren't we?
- Yeah.

Right? And one elephant against one lion,
sure, the lion's absolutely f*cked.

But I've seen four lions
take down an elephant working together.

So what's our equivalent? What's
the biggest thing we could take down

if we worked together as a g*ng?

Dunno. Fat kid?

- Yeah.
- Yes, let's bag us a f*cking fat kid.

Yeah, to the school.

[children laughing, shouting]

[cat 1] No.

- No.
- No.

- I think you'll get in trouble for this.
- Why will I get in trouble? The police?

Well, yeah, actually.

Oh. Oh, "You are arrested." "What for?"
"For being a cat, taking down a fat kid."

Not for being a cat.
For trying to k*ll a child, yes.

- Yeah, but…
- For nature--

It's not ill*gal
for a cat to k*ll a child. No, it's not!

I'm pretty sure it is.

No, it's not!
A cat can do what the f*ck it wants!

- Hm, no.
- Dogs get put down.

You've got your f*cking XL bullies,
your f*cking… all them,

but a cat has never been put down
for k*lling anything.

Diminished responsibility.
I'm a f*cking moron!

- Yeah!
- Hm. Okay. Good luck pleading that case.

Yeah, we're as thick
as f*cking arseholes, aren't we?

Even humans get off if you're
a f*cking div. You go, "What happened?"

"I k*lled… I k*lled about 20 people."

"Oh, did you, Johnny?
Oh, we're not gonna hang you."

"We're gonna put you in an institution."

"And you're gonna have jelly
with all these pills."

"And we're gonna put electrodes
on your little bollocks."

"I like that." Of course you f*cking do.
You're a mental case!

He gets away with it. A cat gets away
with it. We ain't got a brain.

We've got f*cking brains
the size of walnuts.

We're allowed to k*ll
what the f*ck we want.

Can't we k*ll people
by sitting on their faces?

- Yes.
- Yeah! A baby in a cot!

- What?
- Night, night.

♪ Little baby, go to sleep ♪

Oh, here comes the cat!

Here's a nice warm baby.
Would you sleep on a baby to k*ll it?

'Course I f*cking would.

How would you k*ll a baby
if it was all asleep in its cot?

Just get my arse all wet.

Make sure it had
a nice bit of suction on it.

Get a good clamp on. Bish-bosh-bash.

You know, responsibility?
Ask me two plus two.

I don't even know what numbers are!
I'm f*cking that stupid!

Yeah, but you seem to know a lot
about how to suffocate children in cots

for someone who's as stupid
as you claim to be.

We're just talking amongst ourselves.
Nothing's f*cking happened, has it?

Actually, is it us,
or is it foxes that do it?

Foxes rip 'em to shreds.

You leave a baby in the garden,
it's your own fault.

Or leave the lean-to doors open.

"Oh, a fox ate my baby!"

Yeah, you left it in the living room
with the door open, you c**t!

Oh.

- What have you seen?
- [cat 1] Right little gut bucket.

- [Gus] Oh, f*ck me!
- [cat 1] Like a plastic bag full of chum.

Oh, we're not gonna
have to f*cking eat for a week.

Oh God. How do you k*ll it?
Just bite through its neck?

- You're not actually gonna eat him.
- 'Course we are.

- Look.
- What do they taste like?

- Dunno. We're gonna find out, aren't we?
- Tastes f*cking lovely.

- That one will taste bad.
- Why?

Well, look at him.
I mean, that's very low-quality meat.

- Yeah, but we love fat, don't we?
- I love a bit of fat.

Look. Oh, his f*cking parents
have fed him up lovely.

- Little Wagyu fat kid.
- Yeah. "Eat this, darling."

"What do you want?" "I want cake!"

- "Have cake, then, you c**t!"
- "Don't cry! Don't cry!"

"Have another bit of cake."

"Yeah, shove it down your f*cking throat,
you little foie gras fatty f*ck."

Parenting with the f*cking food.

Okay, here he comes.

- [tense music playing]
- Wait for it. Wait for it.

- [music intensifies]
- [Gus] One, two.

[Gus grunts, groans]

- Oh f*ck!
- [woman screams]

[tires screech]

[Gus groans]

- Come on. He's had enough.
- Where was the three?

- I didn't say three. I jumped on three.
- We were waiting for three.

- I know. Yeah.
- There's a set thing to these things.

Think. f*cking think.

{\an8}Is every day this exciting with you guys?

{\an8}Huh.

{\an8}I guess.

{\an8}Anyway, let's find your family.

[gentle music playing]

[Olive] Oh, look at Old Pete.

He looks f*cked, doesn't he?

- [Gus] Hi, Pete.
- [wheezes] Off to the vet.

Yeah.

He'll sort you out.

No.

It's a one-way trip. I heard 'em talking.

And they're right.

I've had a great life.

No point in a few weeks of pain.

It's been a pleasure.

I've… [sighs sadly]
I've heard you don't feel a thing.

See you on the other side.

["Hammer And Felt"
by Beneath The Mountain playing]

See you, mate.

- [cat 1] See you, old mate.
- [cat 2] See you later.

- [Ponce] Good luck, Pete.
- [Olive] Bye.

- All the best.
- Yeah.

Sorry, kid. Do you mind if we carry on
looking for your house tomorrow?

I think we're all a bit gutted about Pete.

Yeah, 'course.

How old was Pete?

Really old.

- Like, f*cking, what was he? 16?
- Mm-hmm.

How long have I got if I live that long?

Well, you're… nought now.

- So 16 minus nought is…
- Can you work that out?

- S… Sixteen. Yeah.
- Sixteen, yeah.

- Yeah, I was about to--
- Were you?

- Yeah.
- [Ponce] Okay.

- Working it out. "Can you work that out?"
- There was a bit of pause. That's all.

- Don't you pause when you're working out?
- Sixteen minus nought.

- You don't pause?
- Hm, what could that be?

Just, "Oh! Let's work summat out!"
"No! Let's go straight to the answer!"

Where's the working out
if you say the answer straight away?

If it's minus nought,
there isn't usually a lot of working out.

- Wow.
- Says you.

Yeah! Says you, you f*cking c**t!

[laughing]

[soft piano music playing]

[Gus groans]

There's always something
that f*cking spoils the day, isn't there?

We've got so few days to start with,
and they're always f*cking ruined.

It's tough being a cat.

Better than being a snail though,
innit? Getting trampled on.

- Well, yeah. A lot better.
- Yeah.

{\an8}[Gus] Well, yeah, but I don't wanna
compare my life to a snail.

{\an8}Of course it's f*cking better.
They've got no conscience, have they?

We f*cking introspect,
so we know the pain of life.

So we can go, "Oh, woe is me."

A snail doesn't even know it's tough
'cause it doesn't know anything.

It's a f*cking bit of snot
in a f*cking shell, innit? c**t.

You spoken to one?

No, I haven't. There's no point
'cause they haven't got any…

- They got no chat, have they?
- They got no f*cking bants.

You can go to a snail,
"All right, mate, what are you doing?"

[babbles nonsensically]

- "What?"
- Just be careful, and pipe it down.

- Why?
- Could be rude.

What? Be rude?

He's sticking up
for those slimy little c**ts.

- Why? Why?
- Yes, I am, actually.

You rubbing 'em on your knob?

I hang out with snails when I'm not
with you, and they're a nice bunch.

- You hang out with snails?
- Yeah.

- Why?
- We go up the recreation park.

- Hang out by the slides.
- How long does that take you?

- Day and a half.
- What do you talk about?

We just look at each other.

You're just accompanying snails
very slowly to the slides?

Do they know where they're going,
or are they going and you're following?

Are you just observing snails?

No, I'm taking the lead, mate.

f*cking hell.
I'll tell you what's like a snail,

but better and lives a lot longer,
a tortoise.

I wonder what being a tortoise is like.

- I know what f*cking one's like.
- [Olive groans]

{\an8}- [laughing]
- [Gus] Night.

{\an8}- [Ponce] Night.
- [Olive] See you.

[poignant music playing]

[Kitten] Gus.

What?

I definitely have to die, right?

Yeah.

I don't wanna not exist.

I… I wanna live forever.

Well… [sighs]

Well, in a way, you do live forever

because we live on
in the memories of the friends and family

that knew us, and they remember
things we did and said, and so

even though we're not around
sort of physically,

we are sort of still here in a way.

Hm.

So you'll live on forever
through all the things you've taught me.

Yeah.

["You Can Close Your Eyes"
by James Taylor playing]

♪ Well, the sun is surely sinking down ♪

♪ But the moon is slowly rising ♪

♪ So this old world
Must still be spinning round ♪

♪ And I still love you ♪

♪ So close your eyes ♪

♪ You can close your eyes ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ I don't know no love songs ♪

♪ And I can't sing the blues anymore ♪

♪ But I can sing this song ♪

♪ And you can sing this song
When I'm gone ♪

♪ It won't be long ♪