01x04 - Date Night

[bunniefuu]

[emotional music playing on TV]

We found your mum.

[gasps]

Would you like to meet her?

Nah, f*ck her.

Yeah, you're better off
with the twats who looked after you.

Yeah, you should be grateful
that someone wanted you.

{\an8}No one would ever want me.

{\an8}[Gus] Hm.

{\an8}- If you don't agree, say so.
- No, you're spot on.

Yeah, you're proper disgusting.

No one would ever want you
anywhere near their home and family.

- Appreciate your honesty.
- Yeah, not a problem.

Just out of curiosity,

what's the most disgusting thing about me,
in your opinion?

- In case I wanted to improve.
- Cor.

It is impossible to narrow it down
to one thing, innit really?

It's a toe-f*cking sh*t show.
You're absolutely f*cked all over.

- Come on, try your best. Come on.
- Okay.

You look like
a disgusting old sloth who's in a tree

and you're dying of starvation.
You got alopecia 'cause of stress.

You go, "Oh, I gotta go down
to the jungle floor,

but I'm scared. I've gotta get a banana."

You're down there, and you're crawling.

You're at your most vulnerable.
You're slow. Ooh, out of the bushes,

oh, it's a g*ng of A*DS chimps,

and they give you
the bumming of your life.

Right in your f*cking rot pot.

Yeah! They started A*DS,

and they're gonna finish A*DS
in your arsehole, you dirty little c**t.

And there you are, all infected.

"Oh!"

"I'm all full-blown. I'm dying!"

"Any drugs yet?" No! It's 1980.

[TV continues playing]

I bet we could get him adopted.
Be positive.

No, no point. Nothing good ever happens.

No. Wait, wait, wait.

Actually, it could be
one of those YouTube videos,

you know, when you get some c**ts who go,

"What happens if you throw
a bus off a cliff?" You know what I mean?

Or, "Can a dwarf
drink a pint of chili oil and live?"

- We need to clean him up a bit though.
- Yep.

Why don't you ever wash yourself?

Well, think. How do cats wash?

Lick ourselves.

Exactly. Would you lick any part of me?

- Definitely not.
- No, nor would I.

I'm disgusting!

Yeah, why don't we all gob on him
and let him roll around in it?

{\an8}[carefree music playing]

- What you doing?
- Trying to get Puke adopted.

- Why?
- Good question.

- It's like a challenge.
- Take the most unlovable c**t you've got.

See if someone wants him.

- No takers yet, unsurprisingly.
- No.

We've been here 15 minutes, mate.
Give it time.

Feels longer.

- What's that down his back?
- It's goz.

We all gobbed on him to clean him up,
but it just… He just stinks now.

It's very foamy, isn't it?

Who do we thinks gonna adopt him?
Who are we hoping for?

- A nice family.
- No.

It'll be a charity of some kind,
I'd have thought.

Chinese restaurant.

Get some extra food, then,
if you went in a Chinese restaurant.

Out of all the town,

who would you want to be adopted by
if you could choose anyone?

- Glenn?
- Who's that?

- The baker.
- Oh, I know. Mr. Maynard.

- The geezer with the plastic leg?
- Why do you like him?

- The baked goods?
- No, 'cause of his plastic leg.

What? Why?

I like sleeping on it.

Here. Here's a likely one.
Here you are, look. Sit up.

Go on, smile. Smile, you c**t.

- I am bloody smiling.
- Here she comes.

[woman] Oh!

Look at that one!

- Come here, you!
- Not me! Not me!

- f*ck off! f*ck off!
- [Ponce laughs] Oh my God.

f*cking hell!

Bite her! Bite her!

She's got my neck! Argh!

- Put him down, you old c**t!
- [Gus grunts]

Oh f*ck! Argh!

- She's tickling his bollocks.
- [woman] Oh, look! Oh!

He'll be back in a f*cking day.

There's not an old lady alive
that can hold Gus.

- Where's she taking him?
- Just to her home. Don't worry.

- Back to her sh*thole.
- Oh.

That's rubbish.

["Je t'aime… moi non plus"
by Serge Gainsbourg playing]

- [record scratches]
- [music stops]

[gasps] What the f*ck am I doing?

[TV narrator] As the average temperature
of the Earth slowly increases,

the polar ice caps recede.

If the polar ice caps
were to completely melt,

the sea level would rise
by nearly 70 meters.

This would be devastating to some…

- He's back.
- Gus!

- Yeah! Free as a bird.
- Wow.

- You get fingered?
- No, I didn't. What we watching?

- You got brushed, didn't you?
- Yeah, I did.

f*cking documentary
about the end of civilization.

f*cking climate change, famine.
sh*t like that.

[Gus] Bring it on. f*ck 'em all.

- f*ck 'em all, mate.
- The documentary's leaning the other way.

Ooh! Let's save Africa!

Let's do a f*cking song
and beg the West for money

and then spend it
on corrugated iron to build a sh*t house.

I thought they liked mud huts. Mud's free!
Build a house out of mud again.

They can't make mud,
because there's no water.

Who can't make mud?
Why can't you make mud? It's f*cking…

Literally the easiest thing
in the f*cking world to make is mud.

If you've got wet earth, yes.

Right, well, get some wet earth.
What happened to all the water?

Oh, did it just disappear into thin air?

Oh, all the rivers and lakes
just went up into the clouds?

You've just described evaporation, yes.

If the polar ice caps are melting, give
the f*cking famine countries that water

and sort the problem out
once and for all. Job done.

- Brilliant.
- Brilliant.

Well, no. Not brilliant.

Because, first of all,
don't say famine countries.

If all the ice melts,
then the whole world will be flooded.

Good! f*ck people.

- Yeah, f*ck 'em.
- k*ll 'em all.

I can't wait for people

to f*cking wipe people
off the f*cking face of the earth.

I don't care what it is.

I don't care whether it's your f*cking
global warming or your polar ice caps

or your f*cking famine.

Well, it'll be overpopulation.

f*cking overpopulation.
That makes me f*cking laugh.

Stop having more f*cking babies, then!

Who's walking around shagging when they're
f*cking starving in the first place?

Do what we do.
Eat the f*cking dead ones, right?

Waste not, want not.
My nan ate a couple of her own kids.

One was born f*cking dead.

The other was born
a little f*cking runt, all deformed.

[Gus gurgles]

It's gonna f*cking die anyway.
More trouble than it's worth.

f*cking eat it.

- Okay, well, good discussion.
- What do you think, Olive?

Worry about the world
or just let every f*cking human die?

Just let 'em all die, I think.

- Exactly.
- Yeah, another one in that column.

- Yeah.
- Think you proved your point.

- Yeah.
- I don't think we can influence it much.

- Are we looking for me house again?
- Oh yeah.

There's Lara.

- [Ponce chuckles] Look at him.
- What?

- Well, you've stiffened.
- No.

- sh1tting himself.
- I'm just gonna go over and chat to her.

'Cause she… she's into me,
and I'm just gonna reel her in.

[smooth music playing]

[Gus sighs]

How you doing? [sighs]

[snorts] So you're a player, yeah?

Nah, just a bit, babe.

Yeah, that's what I was afraid of.

I've been there, done that.
See you around.

No. No, I thought…

Oh. Wh-- [groans]

Gandhi was right. b*tches be trippin'.

- [Ponce] I don't think Gandhi said that.
- Doesn't matter who said it.

My point is, he was right.

- Who?
- Gandhi.

Ah. Who do you think Gandhi is?

When you picture Gandhi,
who comes into your head?

b*tches be trippin'.

[Ponce] What I mean is,

what does he look like?
Describe the person.

- Big cool dude. Loads of chains.
- Not Gandhi. Nah, not Gandhi.

- f*cking angry m*therf*cker.
- No. Again, not him.

- This dude will pop a cap in your a*s.
- Definitely not.

Who's Gandhi, then?

Um… I mean, he's not a player.
Put it that way.

He used to wear a sort of linen…
I want to say linen, kind of wrap, shawl.

I'm not thinking of him. I wouldn't.

A noble… a noble man,
but not known as a lothario.

- f*ck off, Gandhi.
- Um…

- Little round glasses.
- f*ck off.

- And he led India to independence in 1947.
- f*ck off. He sounds like a right c**t.

Get your f*cking stupid f*cking toga face
out of my f*cking a*s.

Okay. I mean,
he was assassinated in the end, so…

Twat. Oh.

Look, look, look. She's coming back.

[sighs] Thought so.

- Hiya.
- Yeah, h-hi.

You are an idiot. You know that, yeah?

Wow. That is your opinion.

- But you… you are though.
- Right.

- Yeah.
- What's your point?

Thing is, I guess I am single now.

Yep. Me too.

- You get used to it.
- [Puke] Wakey, wakey, Grandad.

Oh. Yeah, no. Yeah.

What I'm saying is,
you're single, I'm single.

So, you know, I might

ask you out one day.

You might ask me out one day?

- Yeah, if that…
- [Lara inhales, sighs]

If you would want me to.

- What would you say?
- Oh my God.

- What?
- You're gonna ask me…

- Yeah?
- …if you should ask me out?

I'm not saying that. I'm saying--

- I might as well ask you.
- I'm not saying whether I ask you out.

I'm saying if I were to ask you out,
would… would you say yes?

- Oh my God. You'll have to take a risk.
- What? Oh.

In front of the lads?

Yeah, I'm gonna take a risk
in front of the lads. "Ooh, oh, Lara."

"Do you wanna come out with me?" "No."

Well, f*ck off, then!

Wow.

[sternly] Just ask me.

- Do you wanna go out?
- Yes.

- Right. Good. That's what I thought. So…
- Good.

On a date?

That's the point.

Right. Hungry?

Always.

["There Is a Light That Never Goes Out"
by The Smiths playing]

♪ Take me out tonight ♪

♪ Where there's music and there's people
And they're young and alive ♪

♪ Driving in your car ♪

♪ Oh, please don't drop me home ♪

♪ Because it's not my home
It's their home, and I'm welcome no more ♪

♪ And if a double-decker bus ♪

♪ Crashes into us ♪

♪ To die by your side ♪

♪ Is such a heavenly way to die ♪

♪ And if a ten-ton truck ♪

♪ Kills the both of us ♪

♪ To die by your side ♪

♪ Well, the pleasure
The privilege is mine ♪

♪ Oh, there is a light
And it never goes out ♪

♪ There is a light and it never goes out ♪

♪ There is a light and it never goes out ♪

♪ There is a light and it never goes out ♪

[music fades]

Right. [sighs] Here we are.

Well, let's catch us some mice.

- I've got to catch my own mice?
- No. No.

This is on me. I'm catching the mice.

- Really? Okay. [laughs]
- Yes, put your claws away.

- I'll be catching these mice.
- Lovely.

Right, there's one.

Ooh, he's fast, isn't he? He was fast.

He saw me. He was scared. You see him?

- Shat himself.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, you're well hard.
- Scarpered, little twat. Right?

Right, I should've caught that one.
Wouldn't think they'd be fast. Tiny legs.

- You're pretty slow.
- Their legs go faster than mine.

Particularly these days.
I've got a little bit of rheumatism.

- Do you?
- Yeah.

- [groans] Hold on.
- Okay. What you doing now?

Stretching. Stretching.

I've put my back out waking up before.

This is impressive.
Do you want me to do it?

No, I am gonna catch us
some fat, lazy, invalid--

- 'Cause I am quite hungry.
- Here we go. There's one--

Oh my God! I've got one.

- Yes!
- I've got one!

Oh! [munching]

- I ate it. I ate it immediately.
- You ate it? Oh my God.

- It was winding me up.
- Okay. I'm the date.

- Yeah, I know. The next one is yours.
- Okay.

{\an8}f*ck me, I got one. Got one! Got one!

{\an8}[munching]

- I ate that too. What is up with me?
- Oh my God.

- It's an instinct.
- Greedy. Greedy instinct.

Yeah, yeah. Right, right. Okay, wait.

[grunts]

Don't eat it. Don't eat it. Don't eat it.

- There you go. That good?
- Mmm!

- Yeah, that was good, actually.
- Yeah. Right.

- There you go.
- That was nice. Well done.

- Cheers.
- For not eating it.

- That was nice.
- Yeah.

Went on a date. Went to a graveyard.
Caught some mice. Ate them.

- Just chatting.
- It's what you do on dates, babe.

[Gus] God. Here comes my crew.

- Your crew?
- Yeah.

Watch out. [laughs awkwardly]

Cool dudes.
Don't listen to what they say. Nah. Um…

Hi, guys.

- This is Puke.
- Good day.

- Uh, Fang.
- All right.

- This is, uh, Olive.
- All right.

Uh…

- This is Lara.
- Hello.

[Gus] She's my…

Well, I'm not gonna say, really.

What?

No, I'm saying.
She's female. I'm male. You do the math.

- Although, I'm not committed yet, but--
- Hang on. What?

I'm saying, if it goes well,

you know, uh,

then, yeah.

- I'm keeping my options open.
- Oh, are you?

- Same here. I'm like you.
- You?

- Yeah.
- You've got options?

- I've got loads.
- You haven't got any f*cking options.

- [Gus] Like what?
- Like last night.

What did you do last night?

f*cked a rat.

[Gus clears throat]

[Lara sniggers]

[Lara laughs]

- [Olive] That's awful.
- [Puke] Is it?

- What are you saying that for?
- [Puke] Didn't feel awful. Felt fantastic.

- [Olive] I don't want that in me head.
- [Puke] She did.

[Fang laughs]

[soft music playing]

[music ends]