07x08 - Burlesque

[bunniefuu]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend comes, my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can hold me when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and rolling all week long ♪

[organ solo plays over rhythmic hand claps]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are yours ♪

♪ And mine, Happy Days! ♪

Hey, everybody!

Look what I found up in the attic, huh?

Oh, Howard.

I'm sure that a burlesque troupe carries its own props.

Yeah.

Well, I'm not taking any chances.

All right, Richie, how much did we make on
the tickets, huh?

How much?

How much?

I don't know yet, Dad.

I'm counting as fast as I can.

Yeah, well, it's not fast enough.

Oh, Howard.

Please calm down.

Now this Leopard Lodge show is just making you nervous.

It is not, Marion.

I'm as clam as a cob.

.

I'm sorry.

But this Leopard Lodge show is not funny.

This is making a nervous wreck of me.

Yes, well, it's just going to be fine.

Now, drink some of this warm milk.

It'll calm your nerves.

Oh, thanks, dear.

Okay, Rich, how much?

How much?

You've got the money.

Oh, okay.

Dad, I haven't seen you this upset since
Annette left the Mouseketeers.

You don't know how much this means to me.

I'm in charge of the show, and if it's a big hit, I've got
a chance to be the next Grand Poobah of the Lodge.

Would that make me Mrs. Grand Poobah?

Yes, it would make us Poobettes.

It's like a dream come true.

And this, this is something that means a great deal to me.

Do you know what this is?

One ugly lampshade.

No, it's the Grand Poobah hat.

I bought it for myself 20 years ago in the
hopes that one day I'd be lucky enough to wear it.

Oh, Howard, I'm so proud of you.

And Grandma always thought you'd be nothing.

Dad, it looks to me like you're going to be a shoe-in.

Look, every seat is sold.

That idea of putting on a burlesque show,
that was a real stroke of genius.

Yeah, true, true.

Well, some of the credit should go to Irv
Hansen and the burlesque troupe.

Yeah, but I'm the one that called him, Marion.

Besides, he promised Al and me that we
could be in the show.

Wait a minute.

Something is wrong.

I can feel it in my bones.

Hey!

He was supposed to call me at 8 O'clock,
and look, it's 5 after 8.

Now, why hasn't he called?

Howard, he is going to call.

Now, why don't you just go on upstairs?

And you can practice your grand poop box safety speech.

Oh, maybe you're right, Marion.

Fellow leopards.



What's your debt, Mom?

Well, hello.

Come on in.

What took you so long?

I brought her here when she was 12.

Herb Hansen.

Oh, where's Howard?

Oh, well, he's upstairs.

He's so excited.

We're making him rest.

Oh, I want you to meet my... My
personal secretary, Miss Lola LeGrain.

Say something, honey.

Make a noise.

Hi.

That's enough, baby.

Save it for the show.

Howard will be so happy that you're here.

Now, where's the rest of the troupe?

In Buffalo.

Oh, my.

Yeah, they're snowed in, but they'll get a
bus out tonight, probably.

Well, how did you get here?

Oh, I left a couple of days early.

I don't travel with the troupe.

Yeah, I just with the props and the costumes.

Well.

How about her?

Hmm?

How about her?

How about her?

Well, let's not tell Howard that the troupe isn't here yet.

He just couldn't take it right now.

Oh, well, whatever you say.

Let's go back to the hotel, honey, huh?

This, uh, by the way, this kid's crazy about me.

Would you believe she pounded on my door
last night for three hours?

I finally had to let her out.

Howard is so nervous.

Where is the troupe now?

Uh, they just left Buffalo.

But I don't take much stock in them
getting here, I'll tell you that.

Oh, my.

Hey, Mr. Hanson.

Hey, Mr. Hanson.

Mr. Hanson, I'm so glad to meet you.

I'm Ralph Malph.

I'm very sorry.

Are you taking shots for it?

You're gonna love this one.

Oh, Nerve Baby, listen to this.

What has four legs and chases cats?

I don't know, what's got four legs and chases cats?

Mrs. Katz and her lawyer.

How'd you get hurt?

Mr. Hanson, I apologize to my roommate here.

He gets crazy around celebrities.

That's all right, that happens all the time.

Everybody wants to audition.

You know, singers are the worst.

Do you hire singers?

Sometimes.

There's no business like show business.

No business.

Now.

Did you ever have your tonsils out?

Yeah.

Well, have them put back in.

Great one.

Oh, baby.

Now, go on out, you guys, and get seats and watch the show.

It's going to be a good show.

All right, all right.

That wasn't such a good one.

I don't think that was so great.

Where is everybody?

Don't worry, Howard.

They'll be here.

Yeah, well, I got to go practice my song.

Now, get your troupe ready.

They're going on in five minutes.

Hello, operator?

Call Buffalo and tell them they're on in five minutes.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Leopard Lodge is
proud to present Burlesque America,

starring Irv Hansen.

And now, here's your host for the evening,
Leopard First Class, Howard Cunningham.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Good evening, and welcome to the Leopard
Lodge's presentation of Burlesque America,

starring Irv Hansen and his wonderful
troupe of comics and cuties.

You know, in Burlesque, the top banana
means the star comedian of the show.

And he usually comes out here and...

Well, instead of... What am I telling you?

Why don't I sing it to you, huh?

Professor, if you please?

If you want to be a top banana You gotta
start from the bottom of the bunch You gotta.

...

Hold it!

Hold it!

Hey, what are you doing out here?

I'm trying to sing.

That's all right, you ain't bothering me.

Go right ahead.

Would you stop that?

I can't sing.

You're telling me.

Why don't you do me a big favor and go home?

I can't go home because we got a house full of company.

Oh, is your wife entertaining?

Not very.

Do you have any children?

Hmm?

Do you have any children?

Are you kidding?

I won't even drink her coffee.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Talking about your wife like that.

You're absolutely right.

I shouldn't talk about my wife like that
because today happens to be her birthday.

Oh?

What are you getting for her?

Make me an offer.

How old is your wife?

What's age got to do with it?

You know, I know an 80-year-old man
married a 17-year-old girl and they're very happy.

No fooling.

That's why they're happy.

And thank you, boys.

I like to work right here with my people,
right in the audience.

Hey, folks, would you like a lot of
ukulele or a little ukulele?

A little.

A little ukulele.

All right, I'm a crowd pleaser.

All right, here we go.

You know, I thank you.

You know, I thank you in blue, Hawaii.

And you are heaven to me.

You like that, eh?

Give it up for...

You know, I thank you in blue, Hawaii.

You know, I thank you in blue, Hawaii.

You enjoying the show so far?

Well, you know what they say in show
business, you ain't seen nothing yet.

Ha ha!

Because waiting backstage is the best bunch of
burlesque performers this side of Times Square.

And we're going to be coming out here just as soon as...

Folks, I think we're going to take a little intermission
right now, so you just relax and enjoy yourselves.

The ladies' auxiliary is out in the lobby,
and they'll sell you lots of tea and creamsicles.

I'll be right back.

What's happening?

What is this all about?

Well, I hope the ladies' auxiliary doesn't
run out of creamsicles.

Marion, will you tell me what's going on here?

Why did you get me back here?

Wait a minute.

Where's the troupe?

Dad, they're in the snow.

But there's no snow in Milwaukee.

There is in Buffalo.

In Buffalo?

Look, Dad, here.

Well?

Well, why don't you just sit down for a second, Dad?

You see, the thing is, the troupe has been
snowed in for two days.

Oh, I'm finished in the Leopard Lodge.

I'm publicly humiliated.

There goes my golden Fez.

There's lots of other lodges, dear.

There must be ones that never heard of you.

Howard, I feel terrible.

This is the first show we've missed in 20 years.

Wait a minute.

You said you got the costumes, right?

Yeah, but they're going to look awful
funny on stage by themselves.

Not with people in them, though.

What do you mean?

We got everybody we need right out there in the audience.

We got Potsie, we got Ralph, we got Chachi, we got Joanie.

She can do something.

Oh, no, no, no.

Wait a minute, Richard.

They don't know the routines.

Oh, I can teach them that stuff in five minutes.

You see that?

Well, Howard, maybe this show could go on.

No, we need girls.

We need lots of girls, lots of gorgeous girls.

Now, how are you going to get a bunch of
beautiful girls on such short notice?

Nobody could get that many girls.

Just a few more minutes, and we'll be
right back with more laughs and beautiful girls.

We'll be right back.

We'll be right back.

Those drums.

Those drums are making me nutso.

Please, stop those drums.

I can't stand it.

Whoa.

Dr. Livingston, I presume.

Stan, where have you been?

Looking for you.

Oh, Dr. Livingston, that's...

I've been wandering in the jungle for two years.

How did you wind up here?

I was doing research on prehistoric beasts.

I got lost looking for the elephant graveyard.

Elephant graveyard?

Yes, when an elephant feels like he's
going to die, he takes a long journey over

thousands and thousands of miles,
up and over mountains, across the desert,

through turbulent rivers, through the jungle,
until they come to the elephant graveyard.

And does he always die there?

Yes, it's the trip that kills him.

You look terrible.

Don't I?

I look terrible because I can stand malaria.

I can stand the heat.

But I can't take it.

These drums, these drums are k*lling me.

Get a hold of yourself, Livingston.

Please, stop those drums.

Stop those drums.

Stop those drums.

Stop those drums.

Stop those drums.

Stop.

Thank you.

Revelations, you're tantalizing.

You're hypnotizing.

There may be others as mystical,
but you are magical, girl of all nations,

you're fascinating, you're captivating, there may
be others as pretty, but you're international, honey.

Where are you going?

I'm going to hit the hay.

Well, man, this is my theory, in Spain or France or
on Lake Erie, girl of all nations, men will lose Patience.

Once they have kissed you, you
are... You are divine, girl of the grains,

and hill and range, beauty
unfurled, girl of the world, you're mine.

Say, Al, tell me, how is married life treating you?

Not so good, not so good.

Oh?

Well, yesterday I got home and I found a
strange man in my house.

I put my wife on the sofa.

That's terrible.

Well, that'll never happen again.

Oh, what did you do?

I sold the sofa.

What the hell?

Oh, my goodness, it's my husband.

Your husband?

Hide under the bed.

Yeah, right, under the bed, yeah.

Don't answer that door.

I'll get under the bed.

Hiya, sweet potatoes.

You're a week early.

I know, but I got hungry.

Hello, room service.

This is Mr. Schweinheit.

Please send up an entire Turkey and a glass of milk.

What would you like, my little darling?

Bacon and eggs.

And bacon and eggs.

And what would you like?

Cool.

I'll have some potato salad.

What's the soup of the day?

See if they got the olives.

I'll see what I can do.

Eggs!

Hey, wait a minute.

You guys stay right there.

I'm gonna go get my shotgun.

Oh!

I thought they'd never leave.

Do you know what makes you so popular?

My hair?

Nope.

My eyes?

Nope.

My lips?

No.

I give up.

Yeah, that's it.

You've always wanted to sing, right?

I love to sing.

This is your big chance.

Here's your part.

Yeah, what do I do?

When I point to you, you sing.

It's all written down.

I got it.

Professor, if you please.

The night is young, the skies are clear,
and if you wanna go walking, dear,

it's a light full.

It's a light full.

It's a lovely, I understand the reason why
you're sentimental, cause so am I.

It's a light full.

It's delicious.

It's a lovely, you can't tell out of glance
what a swell night this is for old man.

You can hear the music from the river in the
low, so let yourself go to come to me, my child.

I am going to kick a D and when I kiss you
just say to me, it's delightful.

It's delicious.

It's delectable.

It's delirious.

It's delirious.

It's a lemon.

It's deluxe.

It's curtains feel, this is not fun.

Come on, honey, the movie's over.

Let's go.

Well, here we are, my dear, in what is
supposed to be one of the finest restaurants in town.

And since this is the opening night,
you know the food must be fresh.

Who shot the drapes?

What did I do for you?

Table for two, please.

Oh, follow me to the ballonet's room.

You were sitting right down, honey, you son of a g*n.

You were all right.

Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing?

That's my wife.

Well, get in line, bud.

You mind?

I brought her here.

I don't think I don't appreciate it, Mac.

Put her there.

Put her down here, honey.

Waiter, my hat.

Yeah, it sure is.

Wise guy, huh?

Tell me something, are you a gambling man?

Sure I am.

How would you like to make a little wager?

On what?

I'll bet you $10 you're not here.

You'll bet me $10 I'm not here?

That's right, I'll bet you $10 you are not here.

You've got yourself a bet, bud.

All right.

There you go.

You're not in Cincinnati, are you?

No.

And you're not in St. Louis, are you?

No.

All right, if you're not in Cincinnati or
St. Louis, you must be someplace else.

And if you're someplace else, you can't be here.

Come on, sweetheart, let's go.

I just got nailed for $10.

I'll get it back.

Hey, chef!

Come here.

Are you a gambling man?

Yeah.

I'm gonna bet you $10 you're not here.

You're gonna bet me $10 I'm not here?

Yeah.

You're right.

You got $10?

Yeah, right here.

Put it down here.

You got it.

All right.

You're not in Cincinnati.

You're not in Cincinnati, right?

No.

You're not in St. Louis?

No.

If you're not in Cincinnati, you're not in
St. Louis, you must be someplace else.

Right.

If you're someplace else, you can't be here, right?

Right.

Thanks very much.

Come here.

Where you going with my money?

What do you mean, your money?

That's my money.

Hold it.

Wait a minute.

I'm not in Cincinnati.

No.

I'm not in St. Louis.

No.

Well, if I'm not in Cincinnati and I'm not
in St. Louis, I must be someplace else.

Yeah.

If I'm someplace else, I can't be here.

Right.

If I can't be here, how can I have your money?

Bye-bye.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the Leopard
Lodge proudly presents the grand finale.

If you want to be a top banana, you
got to start at the bottom of the bunch.

You've got to know the joke about the farmer's donkey.

Take it in the kitchen with a soda water.

If you want to be a burlesque comic,
it's basic training for you to take a punch.

You've got to roll your eyes and make a funny face.

And make a take and holler, this must be the place.

If you want to be a top banana, you
got to start at the bottom of the bunch.

Richard, I want you to call all your friends next
week and tell them I'm going to take them out to dinner.

They were just spectacular.

Oh, Dad, we were going to take you out to dinner.

That's a better idea.

Oh, I'll get it.

It's Al!

Hi, hi, hi, hi.

Hey, Al.

You're so wonderful.

Hey, listen, I meant to tell you,
I really like that ukulele routine.

Yeah.

Howard, I came over to tell you that.

Right after the show, the executive
council of the Leopard Lodge had a

meeting, and because of the fine work you
have done, they gave me the honor to tell

you that next week you will be installed as the
Grand Poopa of the Milwaukee Ranch of Alabama.

At long last.

Well, I'll tell you something.

As long as I hold this honor, I shall wear this with pride.

And dignity.

By gray sky, hello blue, there's nothing
can hold me when I hold you.

It feels so right, it can't be wrong,
rockin' and rollin' all week long.

These days are ours.

Happy and free.

Oh, happy days.

These days are ours.

Share them with me.

Oh, baby.

These happy days are yours and mine.

These happy days are yours and mine.

Happy days.