08x01 - No Tell Motel

[bunniefuu]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend comes, my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can hold me when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and rolling all week long ♪

[organ solo plays over rhythmic hand claps]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are yours ♪

♪ And mine, Happy Days! ♪

Boy, Perry Mason sure has one tough case on his hands.

Who do you think k*lled that uppity?

The uppity debutante, Howard.

I bet it was the jockey.

The jockey?

Marion, how could you possibly think it was a jockey?

The uppity debutante was strangled.

Now, she was 5'11 ", he's only 4'9".

Well, maybe she bent over for him.

Hey C's.

Oh, I want you to perk up your ears because
you're going to have an audio party here.

Richie wrote me a letter.

Oh, wonderful.

Howard, if you can tear yourself away from
the set for a second.

Richie has written a letter from the Army.

All right, go ahead.

I'm listening.

I'm just going to turn the sound down.

Oh, please, could I read it?

Oh, Mrs. C., I think I'd better read this letter.

Oh, Arthur, please.

Well, Mrs. C., why don't you go right
ahead and read that letter then?

All right.

Dear Fonzie, hello from Fort Silverman.

Enclosed is a picture of me in my GI haircut.

Oh, yeah, I got that right here.

Oh, Howard.

He looks like a cat.

Sandlow.

Read the letter, Marion.

I applied for the job as editor of the camp
newspaper, but they assigned me to latrine duty.

The guy that got the job as editor used to be a plumber.

That's the army, all right.

Ralph is doing better, but still begs the
sergeant to leave the light on at night.

He told four guys from back east all his moron jokes.

They invited him out for a drink in the lake.

Ha-ha.

He wrote ha-ha.

Yeah.

Speaking of jokes, Fonz, here's one you
can tell down at the garage.

These two marines sneak into the nurse's quarters.

This one nurse just got out of the shower and...

Oh, my.

That's why I wanted to read the letter there, Mr. C.

All right, the nurse got out of the shower.

I like that joke.

I like that joke.

All right.

All right, back.

Your pal, Private Ritchie.

Yeah.

He sounds thin.

Oh, come in the kitchen.

Quick.

Hey, I'm not hungry, Mrs. C.

No, Joanie's coming home from a date,
and she doesn't like it if she sees us

looking runny like we're waiting for her to come home.

Now, Marion, are you crazy?

Now, I'll never know who m*rder*d the uppity debutante.

It was the jockey.

Well, how could he, uh... He had a ladder.

Oh, I see.

Thank you, Chachi.

I had a wonderful time.

Yeah, me too.

You know, that was the best science fair
the school ever had.

They're not here.

Oh, will you look at them?

Why does Joanie have to go steady?

She should just play the field.

Oh, come on.

Joanie and Chachi really care for each other.

You know, we're talking electricity here.

Well, she's too young for...

Listen, hey, you kids are getting too much in a lather.

You know, you got to relax a little bit.

Have a cookie.

I'll take care of it, I promise.

You all right?

Excusez-moi.

We're making the parents crazy here.

Come on, let's go.

All right, all right.

Here we go, nice and gentle.

Okay.

Say goodbye to Joanie.

Say goodbye from a distance.

From a distance, back right out the door.

We'll speak to you later.

He's crazy about you.

Hey, will you get your lips off the door?

Hi, Joanie.

Hi, Daddy.

Hi, Joanie.

Hi, Mom.

Howard, speak to her.

Yeah.

Joanie, your mother and I feel that
although Chachi is a very nice boy,

you might be seeing too much of him lately.

So for the next couple of weeks, we'd rather you wouldn't.

I couldn't do that.

I'd just die.

Well, now, it's just for two weeks, and you
can date anybody else you want, but not him.

I'd never do that.

I'll give you your own phone.

It's a deal.

Oh, Howard, I'm glad you're home.

Where's Joanie?

She's talking on her phone to Chachi.

Again?

But doesn't she realize that that defeats
the whole purpose?

I mean, she's supposed to be going out with new boys.

Face it, Howard.

She's bamboozled you.

Oh, contraire, Marion.

I didn't just fall off a tomato truck, you know.

You did once, Howard.

I was pushed, Marion.

Would you let me finish?

I brought home Joanie a date.

A blind date?

Started working part-time down at the hardware store.

Nicest boy you ever want to meet.

And he works for less than the minimum wage.

That's probably it.

Oh.

Marion, this is Wilbur.

Well, how do you do, Wilbur?

Oh, you brought flowers for Joanie.

Why, no.

These flowers are for her lovely mother.

Well, thank you, Wilbur.

They'll be just lovely down at bowling.

Oh, Joanie, come on down here.

I'm on the phone.

Hang it up.

I got a surprise for you.

This day is going down in my diary.

First, I got to set up the new shellac display.

And now, a date with a girl.

Well, yikes!

Where's my surprise?

Joanie, this is Wilbur.

Hi, Wilbur.

Now, where's my surprise?

The surprise is that Wilbur is taking you out tonight.

Yikes!

Gee, I'm really sorry, but I can't go out
with you because my hair's dirty.

Oh, so is mine.

There, you see?

You both have so much in common.

Oh, well, I'll go get my sweater.

Oh, Ty, Dad.

Well, uh, we've got to hurry, dear.

We're late.

A lovely girl.

She favors you, Mrs. Cunningham.

Oh, what a nice boy.

Oh, and you should see the shellac display.

Okay, baby.

It's party time.

Make way for Wild Willie.

Oh, my gosh!

The knife, the knife bashing through.

Don't touch me, I'll scream.

I love an athletic woman.

Oh.

I can't get it open.

It seems to be locked.

Will somebody please open the door?

I forgot my bowling shirt.

Why was the door locked?

Why are your glasses all upside down?

Oh, I thought I was upside down.

Thank you.

Here's, uh, here's your bowling shirt.

You're a nice boy.

Daddy.

Hey, what?

I'll k*ll him!

Howard, that boy is a guest!

Chachi, what are you doing here?

Now, you agreed not to see me for two weeks.

You're gonna blow my phone.

Would I come here if it wasn't important?

We only have four more days to go.

Call me.

But I have to say, it'll only take a minute, okay?

Okay.

Oh, no.

When your father finds out about this,
it's gonna be bye-bye telephone.

Who would tell him?

Me.

He keeps calling me up all the time,
asking me if I see the two of you together.

So, tell him you have it.

Yeah.

I can't do that.

We're fellow leopards.

Besides, he's the grand pooh-pah.

He could take my spots.

George, no one's gonna take my spots if... Al, I'm up, Al.

What's that thing tied on your leg?

Shh, I wear it for luck.

You'll need it.

Sit down.

It's not there.

Over there, please.

Oh, that's nice.

See you later, kids.

Now, what's so important?

Remember the tickets I sent away for it to
the Beach Boys concert in Chicago?

Yeah.

Well, they just came in the mail, and
we've got two great seats for tomorrow night.

Oh, why tomorrow night?

Next time I see the Beach Boys, I'll ask them.

Joanie, we've both been looking forward to this.

Now, tell me, what's more important,
the Beach Boys or your stupid phone, huh?

Well, I know.

Oh, gosh.

Where are we going to sit, Potsie?

We are not together.

This isn't a date.

I swore, we're not on a date.

We're not on a date.

But you drove me over.

No, no, no.

I stopped at the light, and you drove in the car.

Why don't you just have fun with your girlfriend?

Someday, tall, dark, and handsome,
you're going to want me bad.

Hey, guys.

Hi.

What's the matter?

Oh, Chachi has tickets to the Beach Boys
concert, and we can't go.

Great.

No, I mean, I'll buy them off you.

Four bucks?

Oh, doesn't it look like we'll be needing them?

Right.

Well, I know.

Yeah, you can get to the concert.

Sure, and pull my phone.

Listen, tomorrow night you're supposed to
come over to my house for a slumber party, right?

Right.

Well, as soon as your folks drop you off,
Chachi picks you up, and you're off to Chicago.

Then what, Jenny?

Well, after the concert, you come back to
my house and go on home in the morning.

Your parents will never know what happened.

Of course, you are going to miss a fantastic slumber party.

Why?

Because we're being crashed by the football team.

Well, how do you know?

I'm picking them up.

Now, Jenny, what if my parents call your
house and want to talk to me?

Jones, I'll cover for you.

Well, great.

I'll tell them you were too drunk to come to the phone.

Jenny!

Have fun, Joanie.

Don't worry, I'll cover.

Hurry, we've got to go fast.

Don't worry, nothing will happen.

Oh, you won't get caught.

No, I promise.

Well, have a good time.

Yeah.

Oh, nice car.

I bought it from Fonzie's Garage.

Chicago, here we come.

Boy, the concert was fantastic.

Boy, would you look how lucky you are.

Only one room left and it just happens to
be the honeymoon suite.

Well, there's the bathroom, there's the
bed, and where's my little honeymoon couple?

We'll be right back.

We'll be right back.

We'll be right back.

Night's at 11.

Start something good with Crisco.

Are you sure you don't have two rooms?

Oh, I'm positive.

But how can you afford two rooms?

You can't even afford luggage.

Well, it just so happens that we belong to
a religion that forbids luggage.

Well, you certainly travel light.

I mean, no car, no luggage, no wedding ring.

Wait a second.

The car, we can explain.

It broke down on the way back from the Beach Boys concert.

It broke down on the way back from the
Beach Boys concert in Chicago.

Hey, she's telling the truth.

Yeah.

The garage said they'd have it fixed by tomorrow.

Sure.

And you two are stuck here in a motel till then, right?

Yeah.

Listen, would you answer a question for me, please?

If you're married, how come you ask for separate rooms?

She has a cold.

See?

She has a cold.

Yeah.

I handled that well, didn't I?

Oh, were you crazy?

He knew we were lying.

Now, what if he calls the police?

Now, why would he do that?

Please, Joanie, you're getting hysterical.

Well, why shouldn't I get hysterical?

I'm with a guy alone in a motel.

We didn't come here on purpose.

Now, would you forget it's a motel?

Forget it's a motel?

There's a sign out there flashing motel, motel, motel.

Joanie, don't worry.

I wouldn't try to take advantage of this situation.

Are you sure?

Of course.

Why not?

Are you trying to drive me crazy?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't even know what I'm saying.

I know I should have never listened to Jenny Piccalo.

My life's over.

No, it isn't.

Look, your parents think you're at Jenny's, right?

Uh-huh.

See, here's what we'll do.

We'll get a good night's sleep, the car
will be ready first thing in the morning, right?

Uh-huh.

And you'll be back home before anybody
knows the difference.

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

Oh, I can hardly keep my eyes open.

Oh.

I'll tell you what.

You sleep on the bed and, uh, I'll sleep on the desk.

Oh.

But why don't you sleep on the floor?

Because I don't like my face so close to
where thousands of people have walked.

Oh, yeah.

Well, night, night.

Night, night.

Oh.

Here you go.

Oh.

Here, put your head on it.

Are you comfortable?

Are you kidding?

This is better than my bed at home.

Good.

Well, I had to get into my comfortable position.

I guess I'll sleep in the bathtub.

Oh, good.

As soon as they put one in, that is.

Listen, I gotta go to bed.

Good idea.

In the old movies, they couldn't show a couple in
bed together unless they each kept one foot on the floor.

That made it innocent.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

All right.

Okay.

Yeah.

One foot on the floor, right?

Right.

Hey, this is a great idea.

Yeah.

Now you won't be so nervous.

Right.

Ah.

Ah.

Well, sweet dreams.

Lights out.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

What was that?

What did you lay doing on the bed?

Nothing.

Someone's at the door.

Who is it?

Sandra Dee, open up, Chachi.

It's Fonzie.

Shh.

Hide in the bathroom.

Help me.

Help me.

Coming.

Hey, it's cold out here.

Jack Frost sniffing at my nose.

Come in.

Fonz.

What's going on here?

What a surprise.

I was just reading the Bible.

That's a very, very good book.

Looks like two of every animal I know is
off right across your bed.

So.

What brings you around here?

I don't know.

A garage calls me up at six in the
morning, says they need a part.

I recognize the license plate.

I'm here.

Why did they call you?

Who else are they going to call?

So, how was the concert?

Oh, it was great.

Yeah?

Yeah.

So, poor Joanie had to stay home alone, huh?

Yeah, I'm all by my lonesome, Fonz.

Why are we stuck like glue?

I love you.

I'm touched.

Well, it was nice to see you, Fonz.

Have a nice ride back, okay?

Hey, wait a minute.

Wait a minute here.

That car ain't going to be ready till four on Wednesday.

I'm here to take you home, get your stuff.

Let's go.

Uh, I think I'll take the bus back, Fonz.

It's been a dream of mine for a long time.

I know that you dream about Natalie Wood.

Well, in a dream, I meet her on a bus, you see.

That reminds me, can you loan me some money for the bus?

Yeah, sure, sure.

Where's that glue again?

I still love you.

Hey.

All right, here, what do you got?

Three dollars, that ought to cover, right?

Can I have six?

Just in case I lose three on the way to the station.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Well, I'm going to stand in the way of a man
and his dream, even if it is a bit bizarre, you know.

Let me ask you a question, right?

You're acting very, very strange.

Are you going through puberty again?

Talk to me.

Those are souvenirs from the concert.

Is there a girl in here?

What?

Huh?

That's great.

You go to a concert, you got to leave Joanie
home, you just pick up anybody you meet, huh?

Yeah, I'm a bum, Fonz.

Bum is already a compliment for you.

You know, give me that $3 back.

She's going to walk.

I don't know this girl.

Come here.

I'll tell you something.

You sit in front of the bus, you get there quicker.

Oh, my, that was really close.

I was just about to dig a tunnel through the bathroom wall.

What do you have to wear shoes for, anyway?

You know what?

On second thought, I can't let her walk home.

So let's meet this girl you met here.

Yeah, uh... Hi.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Nothing happened, Fonz.

I believe you.

I believe you.

Fonz, Fonz, we asked for two rooms,
but they said they were all full.

That's good, yeah.

Just tell me another one.

We kept one foot on the floor.

Yeah.

I was kidding about telling you another one.

You know what that pothole that you gave
me when you were 12?

I was 10.

I don't care.

I'm giving it back.

Oh.

And you, I'm going to treat you differently.

We're no longer relatives.

Fonz, Fonz, how can we not be relatives anymore?

It's very simple.

I'm going to drain your body of every bit
of Fonzarelli blood.

We're going to start right now.

Mr. and Mrs. Arcola.

You two got married?

Of course not.

Of course not.

Why should you?

Are you folks all right?

I thought I heard some fool beating his
head against the wall.

Thanks.

We're fine.

Oh, good.

By the way, if you're planning to spend an
extra night, I happen to have one extra room.

Would you believe it?

They asked for separate rooms.

Oh, youth, it's wasted on the young.

You see?

You see, nothing happened.

All right, all right, all right.

Maybe you did ask for two rooms.

Honest, Fonz.

Don't you think you owe us an apology?

No.

That's good enough for me.

And you?

Your parents all snuggled safe in bed
thinking you were at a pajama party?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you're not going to tell them, are you, Fonz?

I ain't going to say a word.

Great.

Oh, you're going to make me tell them, aren't you?

Hey.

Hey.

If you're old enough to be here in a,
mm, cell room, then you're old enough to

let them know if you want to let them know.

All right, let's go to the garage.

Come on, come on.

Get your shoes.

Get out of here.

All right, all right.

Keep your distance.

Keep your distance.

It's annoying, son.

Doctor.

All right.

All right, here's my phone.

Thank you.

Now, you believe me about the motel.

Nothing happened.

Absolutely.

But I'm disappointed you broke our deal.

Joanie, the fact that you were out with
Chachi is nothing compared to the fact

that you could be out there in trouble in the middle of the

night and not have the good
sense to get to a phone and call us.

Mom, I promise I'll never go out without a dime.

You know, one good thing came out of all this.

At least we learned that Chachi is a boy
that can be trusted.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, I'll get it.

What are you doing here?

Listen, I got some tickets for the Johnny Mathis concert.

Can you get out when you're grounded?

I don't know.

Things haven't been completely settled yet.

It doesn't matter.

I got a ladder.

You can climb out of your window.

Oh, no, no.

Oh, no.

Hi, Mr. C.

Hi, Chachi.

What are you doing here?

What's that you got?

What, this?

This is a ladder.

What's it for?

I, uh, I just came by to, um...

paint your house.

Well, now, isn't that nice?

Yeah.

There are brushes and paint out in the garage.

You go ahead and get started, and I'll check on you later.

Mr. C., Joanie?

Yes, Joanie.

Now, there's a boy who can really be trusted.

Goodbye, gray sky, hello, blue sky.

Next, on The Brady Bunch, producer Sherwood
Schwartz's daughter, Hope, somehow lands the point.

It's a plum gig as Greg's on-again,
off-again girlfriend, Rachel.

Hmm.

It's episode number 68, The Big Bet.

Stay tuned.

Step in with me.

These happy days are yours and mine.

These happy days are yours and mine.

Happy days.