08x20 - Howard's Bowling Buddy

[bunniefuu]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend comes, my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can hold me when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and rolling all week long ♪

[organ solo plays over rhythmic hand claps]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are yours ♪

♪ And mine, Happy Days! ♪

Will I fall in love?

You.

You.

You.

You.

You.

Chachi, what're you doing?

I'm dancing, Al.

To what?

The music stopped.

There's a song in my heart.

Well, there's a health inspector in my kitchen.

So?

So, he found something floating in the soup.

Oh.

What?

Clarence.

Oh.

Hey, Joanie, do you, uh, do you know what day today is?

No.

Today is the fourth anniversary of the
first time I asked you out.

Oh.

And you laughed in my face, remember?

Well, actually, I laughed in your hair.

You were a lot shorter then, remember?

Keep that up, and next year will be the
first anniversary of when we broke up.

Well, I'm not laughing now.

Jones.

What?

We gotta talk.

What?

Jenny.

Don't you see that we were right in the
middle of something?

Oh.

I'll see you later.

I'm gonna go in the kitchen and watch Al
drag the soup for Clarence.

Jenny, always a pleasure to see you.

Likewise.

Sit down.

Oh, hey.

I got a notice from the post office today.

It's finally arrived.

What's arrived?

Jones, come on.

That ad we read in Passionate Confessions
about a month ago?

The one about girls with a problem?

You mean the one that said, Are you a bust?

In the bust?

That one?

Shh.

That's the one.

I sent away for it.

I need you to go down to the post office
for me and pick up the package, okay?

Well, why do I have to pick it up?

Because I used your name.

You did?

It's in a plain brown wrapper.

Come on, open your head.

Don't tear it.

What's so funny?

Well, we've come for Al.

It's bowling tonight.

Well, have fun.

We'll catch you later.

Oh, take a good look.

The next time you see me, there may be a lot more.

What did she mean by that, Marion?

And why are they giggling?

I don't like it when they're giggling.

Howard, you are so suspicious.

The last time I caught them giggling was
just before Joanie bleached her hair.

Right, that was awful.

There it is, Jones.

There it is, Jenny.

Ajax bust builder.

Well, you know, this is a real big moment for me.

Yeah?

I don't take disappointment well.

Well, look at it this way.

You've got nothing to lose.

Thanks.

One, two, three, we won!

There's nobody here, Marion.

We did it for nothing.

Hi!

Hi!

Marion, they're still giggling.

Uh, uh, Jenny and I were just finishing up a glass of milk.

Oh, yeah, milk.

Oh, colesome milk builds bodies eight ways.

Yeah.

Too bad it doesn't build them nine ways.

So, how did you guys make out?

You ready?

One, two, three, we won!

Your mother was just sensational.

Yeah?

And it's all due to a new approach I showed her.

Here, she'll show you.

Here, sweetheart.

Huh?

Look at that form, huh?

Yeah.

It's a sensation, huh?

I'm telling you, she was just great.

You know, she bowled two games over 150,
and she's only carrying a 119 average.

Wow.

You can get up now, Marion.

We were 14 pins down in the eighth frame.

I'm telling you, I was sweating b*ll*ts.

Marion, you look silly.

Will you please get up?

Dad, I think she's hurt.

Marion, what's wrong?

Howard, I can't straighten up.

My back went out.

Oh, my gosh.

What are we going to do?

Well, just let me handle this one.

Boo!

What in heaven's name are you doing?

Jenny, dear.

Yeah?

Please go home.

Oh, please, thank you.

Okay, Aunt Marion, here we go.

How's that?

Well, it's not bad.

The doctor said I should get off my feet.

Now, Aunt Marion, this should stretch and relieve the
pressure of your upper vertebrae and your pelvic girdle.

Roger.

Not in front of Potsie, d*ck.

Oh.

Well, where did you get this?

Oh, it's mine.

Really?

Yeah, my father used to hang me on it.

I didn't even have a bad back.

Potsie, that's pathetic.

Oh, no, it's better than being rolled up in the rug.

Ah, memories.

Look, Aunt Marion, we have to go now, okay?

Joanie's upstairs, and if you need
anything, you just holler, huh?

Yeah.

What room do you want to be in?

I'd like to be in the kitchen.

You got it.

Kitchen it is.

Here we go.

Thank you, Warren.

Thank you, Roger.

Sure, it's like fun.

Potsie, what are you smiling for?

Uh, I'm just thinking about the tea.

You know the time my father put me in an
old tie and rolled me down the hill?

That was the summer we went to the Grand Canyon.

Interesting childhood, I guess, huh?

Daisy, how much dust do you can see from up here?

What do you mean, you see?

I've got the heating plant.

You can see.

Oh, I see.

In the kitchen.

I see.

Oh, my God.

I've got to ask you one question.

What are you doing up there?

Oh, Potsie and Roger put me up here.

Those boys have gotten too far.

Arthur, the doctor told us that I should be in traction.

This is supposed to help my back,
and, uh, Arthur, I can't see you very well.

Oh, you know, I just sit right up here.

How's that?

Yeah, you look so nice.

Yeah, that's because I am nice, huh?

How come you're so glum?

Oh, poor Howard.

He wanted to win that bowling trophy so badly.

Now he doesn't have a chance.

Look at you.

You're hanging on the door.

You're worried about your husband, huh?

You know, you put the class in middle class.

Hi, sweetheart.

Hi, Fonz.

Well, how does it feel up there?

Like howdy-doody.

Now, Howard, did you have any luck getting
a bowling partner?

Yeah, I think I found somebody.

Good.

Who?

Well, you don't know her.

She's an assistant loan officer down at
the bank, and we got to talking,

and she's a bowler, and she said she'd love to
bowl with me tonight, and the committee okayed it.

Oh, marvelous.

What's her name?

Fern.

Fern Flag.

Fern Flag, you're going to bowl with Fern Flag?

You know her?

I heard she was just a wonderful person.

I hope her husband won't mind.

Well, I don't think she's married.

Trust me.

She's an old spinster woman.

Mr. C, could I talk to you probably privately for a minute?

Yeah, but make it fast, will you, Fonz?

I got to get ready, huh?

Yeah, right.

Excuse us a minute, dear.

Why don't you just step in?

I'll see if the roast is done, huh?

Why don't you come over here and talk to me for a minute?

Your bowling partner is Fern Flag.

Feel good, Fern?

I never heard her call that.

You know, there are stories all over
Milwaukee about this chick.

What stories?

I never heard any stories.

Of course, you didn't hear any stories.

You're in a hardware store all day.

Hardware store's the last place a story comes to.

Fonzie, I'm not doing anything wrong.

I've got no reason to feel guilty.

Oh, yeah?

Then why'd you lie to your wife, old spinster lady?

This chick is a nuisance.

Knock out.

I don't want to upset Marion.

Now, look, all I'm going to do is bowl with this woman.

Now, that's the kind of a lie you tell to
someone like Marion to make her feel good.

A lie is a lie.

Nothing ever comes good from a lie.

Shame, shame on you.

Now, look, I have been married for 27 years.

I think I know what I'm doing.

Uh-huh, till now.

Boy, you've got to always have the last word, don't you?

That's not true.

Good.

Shame, shame, shame, shame, shame, shame, shame.

Oh, Howard, please.

I'm getting motion sickness.

Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart.

Well, listen, I'm going to leave you two alone.

You can talk about anything you want.

You know, like the truth, if you so choose.

Oh.

Mr. Cunningham.

Howard.

Oh, hi, Fern.

Uh, Fern, this is a very dear friend of
mine, Arthur Fonzarelli.

Very interesting to meet you.

I was just here visiting the Cunninghams.

You know, they've been very happily married for 27 years.

Oh.

Well, I was just on my way to the bowling alley,
and I thought I'd stop by and see if you needed a lift.

Oh, well, thanks.

Okay, let's go.

I'll just get my stuff.

Hello there.

Can I get your wife?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Uh, yes.

Oh, uh, Fern Flag, this is my wife, Marion.

Marion, this is Fern Flag.

Hello there.

Uh, she's got a bad back.

I don't keep her up there.

Well, we better go.

Oh, Fonz, would you do me a favor, please?

And get Marion down in about an hour.

Oh, sure.

She can depend on me.

We'll be back soon, Steve.

Howard said she was an old spinster woman.

Isn't it wonderful to be married to such a funny guy?

Such a jokester?

Sure.

If you hadn't opened the door, I would never
have seen her, and he would have gotten away with it.

What are you talking about, getting away with what?

He got married to me.

He hasn't done anything yet.

Howard lied to me.

After all these years, he has never lied to me before.

He's been going to that bank every week for 27 years.

What has he been doing there?

I don't want you to see me cry.

I understand.

I understand.

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It's Wednesday.

Wednesday.

This Wednesday, drop what you're doing.

It's the JCPenney Wednesday One Day Sale.

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Where do you unwrap the magic?

It's all the inside.

JCPenney.

Nobody's doing food.

Now, Tom, your mother's been hanging on
that door all night.

I know.

She's right.

Okay.

Here we go.

What?

Oh, it must be packed in tissue.

Wrong.

It's not packed in tissue.

It is tissue, Jenny.

Just a minute, smart guy.

There are instructions.

All right.

Roll tissue into ba*ls.

Roll tissue into ba*ls.

Then stuff into undergarment.

Then watch out for all the guys.

Spent $12.99 on a box of tissue.

Smart shopping.

All right, bring the box.

What for?

Well, where we wrap it and sell it to my sister.

Great idea, Corrie.

This guy comes into the hardware store and
he says, Hey, have you got any nails?

And I said, sure.

Oh, my God.

Would you stop?

I haven't laughed this hard in years.

Gee, Marion always thought that joke was stupid.

Hey, wait till she hears we won the mixed doubles, huh?

I better go wake her.

Oh, no, I wouldn't do that.

She needs a rest.

Ah, yeah, you're right.

It can wait till tomorrow.

You know, you looked real good out there tonight.

You're very athletic.

Oh, well, I try and take care of myself.

I adore a man who takes care of himself.

I'll bet you're an athlete in college.

It still shows.

It still shows, huh?

Yeah, I was on the track team.

I, uh, I was a champion shot putter.

Shot putting?

That's my favorite sport.

I love to see men's muscles ripple.

Oh, well, I still ripple pretty good.

Look, I'll show you my style, huh?

Magnificent.

What strength.

You handle that ball like a Dixie cup.

Yeah.

At age 47.

Yeah, 41, you lose a little bit.

What do you do to keep so fit and virile?

Oh, discipline, pure and simple.

I get up every morning at 7 O'clock and I jog five miles.

And then I do 50 push-ups.

Push-ups?

No kidding.

Yeah, look, I'll show you.

Tomorrow I'll only have 48 left.

Listen, Fern, the award banquet is tomorrow
night at the Pfister Hotel and Marion can't go.

Would you like to come along?

Oh, no, I don't really... You really are?

I'd love to.

Thanks.

Well, I guess I better be going now.

Thanks a lot for all your help.

Oh, Howard, thank you for such a wonderful
and exciting evening.

Good night, champ.

I'll see you to your car.

Hey, Mr. C.

How you feeling, huh?

Hey, listen, will you want a tuna casserole?

My date made me dinner, you know, but I
can't eat it because I got a dinner date later on.

So what do you say?

Men's steak.

You're right, I'll eat it myself.

All right, I'm sorry.

No, not you.

I was upstairs just now and I heard it all.

I tried to keep it so quiet, I'm very embarrassed.

No, no, not you.

Not me again.

So who are we talking about?

Now, that worm, that snake, that shot putter.

Listen, see, I think you've been having the door too long.

Howard was down here with Fern Flagg.

Oh, yeah, the old spinster woman.

Well, she was throwing herself at him and he was catching.

He used all the same stuff on her that he
used to impress me with 27 years ago.

He even did push-ups.

It's the male ego, makes you do goofy things, you know.

You know, Mr. C did push-ups.

Two.

He's never gotten past two.

And he even lied about his age.

Oh, the whole thing was just sickening.

And it's not over yet.

He's invited that, that lone officer, to go
to the banquet with him tomorrow night.

Well, look, Mrs. C, why don't you just do
yourself a favor, all right?

When he comes home, you just confront him
face to face, have a chat with him,

tell him what you think about him going
out with feel-good Fern.

Oh,

good night, Walter.

Good night, Bob.

See you at the meeting.

We always do that.

Well, we seem to be the last ones here.

What do you say we move on?

Hmm, I'm not finished with my coffee.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You know, it's too bad they only had one trophy.

I got an idea.

Why don't I keep it at my house the first week,
and then you can keep it at your place the second.

We'll take turns.

And when it's at my place, you can come and visit it.

Yeah.

Oh, you know, I know it sounds silly,
but that is the first trophy I have ever won.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

I thought a man with your athletic
accomplishments would have a room full of trophies.

Me?

Fern, I've got a confession to make to you.

I never really was very athletic.

I was only exaggerating last night.

I never did shot put.

And those push-ups were the first since I
used to play horsey with my son Richard.

Howard, you were just trying to impress me, weren't you?

Yeah, I guess so.

I was just being silly, huh?

Push-ups or no push-ups, you're man enough for me.

What?

Howard, I want us to be more than friends.

How much more?

A lot more.

Oh, Jiminy Crickets.

These last few nights, I found you so
wonderfully attractive.

Oh, yeah, well, you know, you put a bowling
shirt on anybody and they look pretty, uh.

...

Look, look, Fern, I've got a terrific idea.

Why don't you... Why don't you
keep the trophy the first week, huh?

Why don't we take the trophy to my place right now?

Oh, Fern, what you're asking me to do, I can't.

I mean, I can, but I shouldn't, I wouldn't, and I won't.

Why not?

Well, because, uh, would you mind not doing that, please?

You're blurring my vision.

Look, Fern, Fern, you are a very attractive woman.

But... I'm a married man, and
my family means everything to me.

You see, I love Marion, and I've always
been faithful to her.

We made a promise when we got married, and I know
it sounds old-fashioned, but I'd like to keep that promise.

I see.

Fern, can I ask you something?

Did you really think that from one night of bowling that I
was gonna leave my wife and my family and run off with you?

No.

I just thought we'd have a good time.

People do have a good time, you know, Howard.

Not everybody drives a DeSoto.

I guess a hardware store is the last place to hear news.

I'm glad.

Look, would you excuse me for just a minute, please?

I'd like to call Marion and see how she's doing.

.

.

.

.

.

Hello.

Mrs. Cunningham.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I just happened to be in the
neighborhood, and I just thought I'd drop

by and see if I could see some of the awards.

That's not true.

I came here because I was consumed with jealousy.

That's silly.

Right?

You're not after my husband.

You can tell me.

You know, Howard, he's old-fashioned,
but I read all those magazines.

I've been out in the world.

I know there are new attitudes,
and you can tell me, woman to woman.

Were you after Howard?

Yes.

You tr*mp.

Mrs. Cunningham, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to cause any harm.

You tart.

You turned me down flat.

You bimbo.

I think I better leave.

Good night.

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Ready Whip.

Let the fun out.

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Always there.

Marion!

What a surprise!

I just tried to get you on the telephone.

Oh.

Well, where's Fern?

She left.

Oh, good.

How's your bath?

Oh, it's a lot better.

Gee, I'm sorry I didn't get here sooner.

I think I missed all the fun.

No, there wasn't any fun.

Why not?

Because you didn't get here any sooner.

Oh, Howard.

I love you, Marion.

Oh, Howard.

Come on.

Let's go home.

Okay.

Oh!

Oh, sorry, dear.

You know, Howard, I trusted you with that woman.

Well, thank you, dear.

Tomorrow, we're going to change banks.

Yes, dear.

Stay tuned for the Brady Bunch.

You know him as Bobby.

But Mike Lookingland was almost Eddie.

As in the courtship of Eddie's father.

But it would be weird if that lower right square was empty.

Coming up next, it's Episode 89, Bobby's Hero.

These days are ours.

Share them with me.

These happy days are yours and mine.

These happy days are yours and mine.

Happy days.