Cowboy k*ller, The (2026)

[bunniefuu]

(Multicom Jingle)

(wind rustling)

(footsteps shuffle)

(birds chirping)

(truck engine rumbling)

(music playing from truck)

(brakes squeal)

Hey, little lady.

What you doing way out here?

[Millie] Trying to head on home.

Got room for one more?

It's a big truck.

There's always room for one more.

Jeez, innuendo much?

No, I was actually

talking about my truck.

Oh yeah, sure.

Your big truck.

- Roy Thompson.

- Millie Ward.

Hmm.

Hi, Millie.

You know why my daddy named me Millie?

'Cause it's a nice, sweet,

wholesome family type name?

Uh, no.

Uh, 'cause he would

get drunk off Miller Lights

and then slur his words

and say, "It's Milly time."

And right now, it's kinda

feeling like Milly time.

(both laugh)

Well, that's a sweet story, I guess.

[Millie] Uh, actually no.

He was a drunk piece of sh*t, but

(truck engine rumbling)

[Roy] So where you headed?

Headed wherever you are, babe.

(Roy chuckles)

Oh no.

You don't wanna go there.

You're young.

Me?

I've had nothing but a shitty life,

and shitty last few days.

You know, I thought it was time just to

take a ride off into the sunset,

try to make it memorable.

Oh, but-but then, I see

this pretty little damsel

in distress by the side of the road,

and thought maybe I'd see

if I could come to her rescue.

Well, I appreciate you

coming to my rescue.

I'd hate for you to

have another shitty day.

Think I could help with that.

(Roy laughs)

Oh.

Now look, that's very sweet of you and all,

but (laughs) I'm not looking

for any one night rodeos anymore.

I'm looking for something

special, that will last,

that has meaning.

I promise to make it

special if you can make it last.

If you are as big as your g*n,

it's gonna be pretty

meaningful for both of us.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Think you could be

in for a real damn treat.

And all it's gonna cost you is 200 bucks.

200 bucks?

For what?

For me.

Oh. (Tires screeching)

There's been a mistake.

I thought you were in

need, that's why I stopped.

I am.

I'm in need of 200 bucks.

Yeah, well, that's not gonna happen,

so I'll just drop you

at the next gas station.

(keys jingle) Hey, hey wait!

Nope.

(keys jingle)

Would you give me my keys?

Are you a real cowboy?

Is that why you're dressed so cute?

Can I just have my keys from your chest?

No problem.

You still feel like you made a mistake?

Just give me my keys!

Jesus Christ, what is this?

Are you f*cking g*y?

No.

I just don't use public toilets.

Sorry, what the f*ck

did you just say to me?

[Roy] All right, that's it.

Get out of my truck and give me

Yeah, turns out you did have something

real big for me, Mr. Cowboy.

Now give me everything you f*cking got.

What the f*ck is wrong with you women?

I try to be nice!

I-I try to help!

I try to be a gentleman,

and all you want is more!

More, more, and then you just,

you leave, and you don't even give a f*ck

about what you leave behind!

Shut the f*ck up or I'll blow you away!

No you're not!

Now get outta the car!

(Millie panting)

I thought you would be different.

God.

You wonder why everybody leaves you?

You are so pathetic.

You are such a lonely f*cking p*ssy.

Yeah?

Yeah?

Yeah?

Well now you're in for a damn treat!

(g*nsh*t fires)

(Roy breathing heavily)

(dark tense music)

(truck engine rumbles)

(soft country music playing)

Let's keep it there

(dark tense music continues)

(police sirens wailing)

Hey guys, it look cool

with the lights on there?

Come on, man.

Look, guys, do I look like a real cop?

Obie, you know what happens

to my f*cking blood sugar

if I don't eat.

Will you shut the f*ck up, please?

Hey!

- Oh come on, man.

- You're an as*h*le.

(Obie laughing)

[Huck] Please!

There's nothing better

than an ice cold Coke

in a glass bottle.

Tastes the same as a can.

No, it doesn't.

Yeah, it does.

Can, glass, plastic, all the same.

You are a f*cking idiot.

(sighs) It's the same, I'm telling you.

Will you cut the sh*t with the lights?

Yeah man, can you fix the car or what?

Hold your goddam horses.

You got a blown head gasket.

So if we have a blown head gasket,

how come you're f*cking with the lights?

Never been in a police car.

At least not the front.

Hey by the way, I knew it

was a blown head gasket.

We were driving along,

and there was this pop noise.

Huge barreling of smoke from underneath.

Same thing happened when I was a kid,

so I knew right away, blown head gasket.

Thanks for doing my

job, Officer Head Gasket.

You want me to fix it or what?

How long's it gonna take?

Depends how long it takes

these f*ck to finish lunch.

Lunch?

It's 8:30 a.m.

Start our day at four.

It's f*cking lunchtime.

Yeah, four a.m.

Where were you?

Well I was, I was sleeping.

Uh, uh, oh yeah.

That's what we f*cking thought.

(Leeroy laughs)

[Obie] We can get it

done around, uh, two-ish.

Two-ish, boys?

Yeah, we'll get it done.

Golden Rail happy hour starts at three.

Two for one beer night.

Oh, f*ck yeah!

I f*cking love railing!

(laughs) f*ck yeah.

Two-ish, huh?

Where is this Golden Rail bar?

- Over there.

- It's over there.

Yeah, we heard.

Over there?

- Don't be a smart a*s.

- Sorry, sir.

Go outside, take a right.

It's three doors down.

(belches) It says, "Golden Rail".

Yeah, there's two for

one beer until three p.m.,

so you gotta wait.

Shut the f*ck up, Leeroy.

Get back to work.

Just outta curiosity,

how much this gonna cost?

Are you paying for it?

Well no, the department is.

Then why the f*ck do you care?

Copy that.

I was just curious.

Okay, well, we're gonna get outta here.

You just call us, uh, two-ish?

Oh yeah.

(blues rock music playing)

Yup.

- Did he say Golden Rail?

- Yeah.

I think he's gonna beat

the sh*t out of me, too.

[Flannery] You know where that place is?

[Jimmy] Never been in my life.

[Flannery] It's probably a dive bar.

(engine rattling)

You hear that?

Yeah, I hear that.

I'm not deaf.

Guess Obie's not so

good at fixing head gaskets.

Those m*therf*ckers f*cked us.

It ain't a f*cking head gasket.

I'm gonna m*rder those assholes.

Well, should we swing back by there?

f*ck no.

I got sh*t to do tonight.

We'll go back by there tomorrow.

[Jimmy] (sighs) Copy that.

(pool ba*ls clinking) (rock music playing)

Oh, you f*cking suck.

Give me my $10, b*tch.

Seymour, you gonna

get the wall fixed or not?

No, f*ck that.

No, it's not the f*cking wall's fault!

No, it was the... Why is there a wall there?

- No.

- Bella!

f*cking two more beers.

Put it on this as*h*le's tab. (Laughing)

(door creaking)

- At that rate,

he should buy all night.

- Ah, f*ck you guys.

Jeans and a T-shirt

He walks

[Huck] Why'd you hire this guy?

He f*cking stinks!

Most people claim

He's just a young man and yet

He looks so old

Sitting down at rest

He lights a cigarette

And then just drove

Family. (Roy sighs)

Jesus Christ, you're the worst.

All right, let me try

to break this sh*t up.

(pool ba*ls clinking)

That's how you f*cking

hit the ball like a man,

you dumb sh*t!

Hey, how about a whisky, Golden Rail?

The name's Seymour.

Golden Rail's the name of the bar, idiot.

[Huck] You didn't f*ck,

- you didn't f*cking tell him?

- No.

[Huck] Dude, girl walks,

girl walks into the shop,

blonde, f*cking t*ts out to here.

Here's to pretty women.

Good luck with that.

She's never gonna get anywhere near

that dust-covered pecker of yours.

Just give me another.

[Huck] Are we ever

gonna see your girlfriend?

[Leeroy] Man, we're on a break!

I think she moved to Canada.

(Huck laughing)

Canada.

- You wouldn't know!

- Yeah.

She's exotic.

It's not Canada, it's Brazil.

[Huck] Yeah, Brazil.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Brazil, yup.

Absolutely, sure, sure... Model.

[Huck] Sure, sure.

Yeah, a model.

Okay.

Yeah.

[Leeroy] From Brazil.

[Huck] All right I make this...

Hey, cowboy.

(Roy chuckles)

Ma'am.

I'm Bella Blue.

I'm Roy Thompson.

Howdy, Roy Thompson.

(Roy laughs)

Well, howdy, Bella Blue.

(both chuckling)

Um, can I get you a drink?

I'll have what you're having.

Two more, barkeep!

Got any money, dust pecker?

Plenty.

So why don't you just keep 'em coming?

Well, look at you.

Hmm.

Well, you care to join me?

Only if I can wear your hat.

Oh.

My hat is your hat, pretty lady.

Oh.

(Bella laughs)

To cowboys, the only true gentlemen left.

(glasses clink)

Well, and to cowgirls, who are cuter

than a puppy under the wagon

with their tongue hanging out.

Well, that's just about the cutest thing

I've ever heard.

(Roy laughs)

(Bella exhales)

Well, how about a dance, pretty lady?

I don't think I've ever met someone

who's read my mind so much.

Who wasn't a complete moron.

Bella!

Babe!

The f*ck is she doing?

Beer!

Another round!

[Leeroy] Yeah, get off the phone!

(Bella sighs)

With true beauty, there is no illusion.

(Bella chuckles)

Yeah. (Laughing)

Hee-haw!

Huh.

(rock music playing)

What the f*ck's Bella doing over there?

Come here, pretty lady!

(Bella giggles)

Being a typical sl*t.

Man.

Hate when girls do that sh*t.

They're always playing games.

That's why I don't have a girlfriend.

Can't do it.

Yeah, that's why.

Hey, f*ck you! At

least I don't have to worry

about getting cucked by some cowboy.

He looks old enough to

be her f*cking grandfather.

No, you're right.

You're right, you're right.

She's just f*cking

trying to make me jealous

'cause she's pissed at me.

What'd you cheat on her again?

No, I wish.

No, she wanted me to take

her to some gender reveal party

at her sister's tonight.

I said f*ck that!

Yeah, f*ck that.

We work all week, man.

Yeah, those are f*cking stupid!

We just wanna drink

beers and have some laughs

with straight friends.

And jerk off.

[Both] Hell yeah!

[Roy] Ooh.

(Bella giggles)

I got your soul

And your blue suede shoes

Well hello

Yeah I'm talking to you

I see you burn

All right, f*ck this. (Bottle smashes)

- f*ck him up, Huck.

- Yeah, beat him off!

Beat him up!

What the?

You proved your goddam point.

What point, that you're a

stupid f*cking piece of sh*t?

(smack lands) (Bella yelps)

Hey, partner!

That's no way to treat a lady.

(punch thuds) (Huck yelps)

Ah, ah, ah.

Okay, sh*t slinger! (r*fle c*ck)

Drop the f*cking p*stol!

I said drop it!

sh**t the cow prick!

I'm not gonna ask ya again!

Drop the p*stol.

- k*ll him, Seymour.

- Yeah!

You're in for a damn treat.

(g*nsh*t fires) (Seymour yelps)

f*ck!

(g*nsh*t fires) (blood squelches)

(Obie crashes)

Hmm.

(g*nsh*t fires) (Leeroy thuds)

You're a f*cking dead man!

(g*nsh*t fires)

Singing hi, yi, yi, yi, yo

I'm singing hi, yi, yi, yi, yo

(blood spurting)

(g*n crashes)

(Huck thuds)

Well.

How about we finish

that dance, little lady?

(soft music playing)

You can't

Forget her face

You can't

Forget her eyes

So I try to forget

The night

She told you all of those lies

(music fades)

Wow.

Looks like somebody

m*rder*d him for you, Flannery.

I was just talking in

anger back at the car.

I didn't really want him dead.

Who cares?

Went to high school with two of these guys.

Real pricks.

So they had it coming?

Just saying it's gonna

be hard to narrow down

who wanted 'em dead.

Yeah, well I guess that's where my goddam

detective skills are gonna kick in.

Gee, you think?

Man, you're a real d*ck

when you don't sleep.

Gee, you think?

f*cking idiot. (Playful music)

You know, these guys said

something about being here

at three p.m. for happy hour.

That means they were drinking

for, like, 12 straight hours.

I mean, that's certainly

enough time and alcohol

to make a shootout happen.

We've seen that 100 times.

Oh yeah, but(Huck coughing)

(blood spurts)

Looks like we've got a live one!

Bella.

Hey, paramedics are on the way, okay?

No, they're not.

Seemed like everyone was dead.

I called the coroner.

You moron!

Should I call 'em now?

Gee, you think?

Jesus f*ck.

Hey, you like saying that, don't you?

"Gee, you think?"

It's fun, right?

- Hey, shut the f*ck up.

- Oh.

Roy.

(Huck panting)

You're gonna be okay, all right?

My girlfriend, she,

- she...

- Yeah, we'll call her, okay?

- Don't worry.

- No!

She-she...

The cowboy must have

(panting) taken her.

The cowboy?

I'm not a prick, by the way.

(Huck growls)

(Huck crashing)

(Flannery clears throat)

Oops.

Cancel the ambulance I take it?

No sh*t, Sherlock.

Guess we'd better start

looking for this cowboy k*ller.

You think?

Hey, mop this sh*t up.

(radio static buzzes)

When you put your arms (Roy chuckles)

You know, the world will truly give you

everything you need, if you just stop

and smell the cacti.

Ooh, she is prickly.

And filled mostly with water.

But damn, if she isn't

something pretty to look at

on a warm summer night. (Chuckles)

Never thought I was gonna meet someone

that was everything I wanted.

Oh, now.

Every sunset, and every sunrise,

why it's just another

chance for you to find

what you truly want.

You just have to want

it, find it, and execute it.

Well, looks like you ex*cuted.

I've been searching for

(Roy laughing)

Oh, I have dreamt

about you my entire life!

I just never knew this day would come.

Must've been a lot of

sunrises and sunsets.

Oh. (Both laugh)

Well now, now where are my manners?

Can I get you something

to drink, little lady?

Only if you call me Bella,

and stop calling me little lady and ma'am.

Absolutely.

Ah, here you go.

Bella.

[Bella] To fantasy and reality.

Shall the two never be explained.

(glasses clink)

- Exactly.

(Roy laughs)

Mm.

(Roy sighing)

That's it, straight on.

Loosen up, loosen up.

There you go.

Now put your, yeah, put

your elbow all the way back.

All the way.

Now to the ear.

(snaps fingers) To the ear!

There you go, that's good.

And release.

Now that's good!

You did a good job.

I sure hope we win this year.

It's been a lot of disappointments.

Welcome to life.

This has got to be my last.

It's gone beyond embarrassing to creepy.

Well come on with that negative sh*t!

Everyone there is, like, 12.

Well, there was a 19-year-old

and his dad last year.

He was there for the

Make a Wish Foundation.

He died the next day.

Look, he's-he's out of the picture.

I know it sounds ruthless,

but this-this'll be a cake walk.

[Stevie] I'm closer

to the senior division

than the youth division.

Help you, fella?

Howdy, sir.

Well, what can I do for you, partner?

Well, I need a tuxedo.

Western style.

So covered in pig sh*t and bull semen?

No.

I need something with real class,

so I can impress my new bride-to-be.

Well, congratulations, partner!

I think this calls for a drink.

Oh.

Dad, please don't give

the customers alcohol.

Sir.

Your suit is on the house.

There, now he's not a customer.

You can't give away a

suit just so you can drink.

I'm sorry, is this your business?

To this guy, getting married, yay.

Who's the lucky horse?

Well, I finally found me a woman

who is a true ace high.

Well, to-to ace high women.

Where's the Thai food?

We ordered it over an hour ago!

It's on the way. Jesus Christ.

- Is that what the app says?

- Listen to your stupid wife!

Check the app!

I'm not gonna check

the goddam app anymore!

It'll get here when it's here!

I'm not checking the app.

- You're bad at sex.

- We're getting hungry.

You look ugly... This is bullshit.

When you smile.

Go ahead, Martha, that's right.

Just keep talking to yourself.

Makes you look... Dad, please!

- Real sane!

- You're adults!

One of us is.

Well, it sounds to me like you got

a real heifer outta order.

You're talking about a wife

who won't shut the f*ck up,

you got it.

Did you just call my mother a cow?

Call 'em like I see 'em, son.

(watch beeping)

- Oh.

Sorry, partner.

We gotta run.

Ravenscrest Archery Tournament.

It's fathers and sons.

We do this every year.

Oh.

Oh now, now that sounds like a true

father son bonding experience.

Oh, I envy you guys.

Well, I appreciate that, friend.

Uh, Martha here, she'll-she'll take care

of that suit for you.

I'm hungry!

(clears throat) Gotta go.

Goddammit to hell.

See ya later, Cowboy Pete.

Just so you know,

nothing's free around here.

My husband's an idiot.

Take a look at that tuxedo book.

Let me know if you find one you like.

Well, ma'am?

Do you have any genuine horse hair?

You know, I like the

smooth, long, blonde type.

You know what I'm talking about.

The kind that eases all your troubles.

That's the dumbest sh*t I've ever heard.

(worker laughing)

Long, blonde horse hair

that eases all your troubles?

Yeah, well.

Sorry, ma'am.

It's just my preference.

You know there's nothing like a good horse.

My husband is a horse's a*s.

You can have him.

I'm straight.

Yeah, right.

Horse f*ck.

(dark tense music)

(Roy chuckles)

(Roy makes g*nsh*t noise)

(Roy chuckling)

(Stevie exhales)

Always keep some spares in the car.

My dad taught me that.

Warm car beers do it for you, dad?

I'll take anything at this point.

Any goddam thing!

- Any!

- Dad!

Dad!

Jeez, cut it out.

You're scaring me.

Glad I'm not married.

Amen!

A-f*cking-men!

I'm gonna get the gear out.

Okay. (Coughs)

Okay!

It's just hard to watch you.

[Ernie] (coughing) Okay!

Everyone's a winner.

See ya out there.

I'm gonna f*ck you up.

You called off again for the last time.

You're fired.

You were a shitty security guard anyway!

(chuckles) Well, uh, I'm

yours if you need me, ma'am.

Tell you what.

You let me stay here with my cot

and my beloved Bella,

and I'll work for free

as your night security.

Free?

You're hired.

You start tonight.

Well thank you, ma'am.

You won't regret it.

I doubt that.

I pretty much regret

everything up to this point.

Well, not anymore.

It's a pleasure being in

business with you, ma'am.

Just don't steal anything

or have intercourse in here.

Well, I won't do one of those.

Seriously.

No pounding.

But they call me the Poundmaster.

(both laughing)

Seriously?

(bright upbeat music)

(car engine stops)

[Ernie] I am so proud of you!

Every, did you see their faces?

Everybody sucks

How can you be excited

that your 45-year-old son

beat seven fifth graders

in an archery competition

at the park?

Screw that loser talk!

Age doesn't matter.

Winning is winning.

You work a full-time job,

and you still managed to win!

Their parents still wipe

their asses, so f*ck them!

Don't diminish our accomplishment.

This is great.

Great for you, great for me.

Take the win, you little sh*t.

An episode of drunk Dr. Phil.

Hey, why do you think the door's open?

You think mom's okay?

I hope not.

(soft tense music)

Never leave the door open.

She hates when bugs get in here.

Mommy?

Are you okay?

- Mommy?

- Mom?

Did you sew your mouth shut yet?

Mom?

Mom?

Smells like Thai food.

Get up, Martha!

Stop sleeping on the job!

(tense music)

Mom?

Martha!

Martha?

What the f*ck?

(dramatic music)

What the hell?

I never should have left you, mom!

I never should have

went... Thank you, Jesus.

[Stevie] To the competition!

I hate archery!

Yeah, she's dead, Rick, there's

Yeah, Rick, come on.

Have some respect.

There's so many b*ll*ts in her.

Yeah, the family's right

over here, you know?

- Yeah.

- This is what I do.

Clean this up.

Hey, boys.

I'm really sorry about your loss.

Thanks.

Means a lot.

Yeah no, really, that was a brutal death.

I've never seen that

much blood in one spot,

and I wanna... Hey, shut up.

Would you go outside and wait?

Again, guys, very sorry.

Yeah, okay, we got it.

Go.

Did you guys see anybody

suspicious around here today?

No, just ordinary folks.

Just ordinary folks?

What's wrong with you?

Right before we left, some smiling cowboy

dressed in full Western attire

came in and said he was getting married.

He needed a tux.

It was anything but ordinary!

You invited him in!

Wait, did you say a smiling cowboy?

Hey, careful with my mom!

Sorry, man.

My sciatica's really acting up today.

She wishes she had your problems!

I'm sorry, brother.

I'm sorry.

Um, maybe you should have a drink.

(Rick grunting)

(Stevie groans)

Oh, how do you drink that?

Mama!

[Flannery] Where the hell'd you get that?

Taco cart rolled by.

[Flannery] You didn't get one for me?

I did, but you took too long.

(Flannery scoffs)

I thought you were on that keto diet.

Yeah, I was.

But honestly, I got too sad.

You know, it looks like we might have

a serial k*ller on our hands.

The only person that was

in there today was a cowboy.

- Cowboy?

- Yeah.

That's pretty general.

I mean, a lot of guys

walking around like cowboys.

Yeah, but you remember that

guy who was on his deathbed,

that you called a prick?

Right, he mentioned the cowboy.

You know, I feel bad about that.

Can't believe he heard me.

Yeah, well you're going to hell.

(car engine starts)

Yourself, dammit.

Jesus, come on.

My back, my sciatica.

(Rick groaning)

(Roy playing harmonica)

(crickets chirping)

Play something for me, baby.

(soft music)

Everything I play

is all for you, my love.

(Roy sighs)

You know, if we are gonna get married,

I need to see my father.

As you should, baby.

I mean, family's the most important thing.

But I need to see him tonight.

Well, could we get some food first?

What are you thinking?

Greasy diner burgers,

and fries and a milkshake.

(Roy laughs)

I have never loved someone so much!

Oh!

Now, you wait right here, my love,

and I'm gonna go get you a chariot,

so you won't have to move a muscle!

Oh.

Wait right here.

(Bella sighs)

(phones ringing)

Back off with that sh*t.

[Jimmy] We got him.

Roy Thompson.

Who the hell is that?

The Cowboy k*ller.

He took out a wedding announcement

with the girl he kidnapped

from the bar, Bella Blue.

Wait, Bella Blue?

I-I went to school with

a guy named Barry Blue.

Did you not know her name 'til right now?

Hey man, I'm old as f*ck.

I can't remember sh*t.

Well, I guess it could be her dad.

Well if it is, he's dead.

He went skydiving drunk.

He didn't even go for the parachute.

He went all the way

down laughing until splat.

How do you know he was laughing?

He had a GoPro.

They showed the footage at the funeral,

and even had the theme

from "MASH" playing over it.

"Suicide is Painless"?

Well, I guess if you're

laughing all the way in

like Barry, yes.

Morning, Chief.

Hey, Chief.

Morning, boys.

Man, I am tired as hell.

Seems the more I sleep,

the more I need to sleep.

Yeah, we can all agree there.

Good, 'cause I'm gonna

go sleep in my office.

Do not wake me unless

it's absolutely necessary.

- Copy that.

- 10-4, Chief!

(engine rumbling)

10733 Saddle Lane.

This is it.

No vehicle.

Should we come back later?

No.

I'll take the back, you take the front.

Remember, have your g*n ready to go.

In case this f*ck wad

tries any sh*t, sh**t to k*ll.

I'll just sh**t normal.

Just check out the

front and watch your a*s.

(cartridge clatters)

(Jimmy grunts)

(suspenseful music)

(soft expectant music)

(hinge creaks)

(window creaks)

No answer.

f*ck! You scared the sh*t out of me!

Gross.

Not literally.

No answer?

No, I just said, no answer.

Well maybe he's on the shitter.

Let's go knock on the front door again.

(Jimmy sighs)

I knocked.

Where'd you get that?

Jacket pocket.

I didn't have time to have

breakfast this morning.

Man, you are a piece of work.

You have to have breakfast, Flannery.

Jeez.

Hey, what are you doing?

We don't have a warrant.

Well f*ck all that protocol bullshit.

You know what, man?

I say I don't give a f*ck.

I just wanna solve this and

go home so we can watch TV.

Now get out your weapon.

(Jimmy sighs)

- Police!

- Hello?

(tense music)

Hey, I think we're good!

We're not good 'til you check the closet,

under the bed, every inch.

Looking pretty good out here.

All clear in the back!

I mean, I didn't check the toilet for him.

(door creaks)

Stop doing that, man.

Hey, why do you think

he used his real name

with that wedding announcement?

It doesn't make any sense.

All these sickos are the same.

They love the crime, but they

love the attention even more.

Oh yeah, like the BTK k*ller.

He used to leave notes in the paper to cops

before he k*lled his victims.

Goddam BTK.

Hey.

There's a phone number in here.

It's that f*cking cowboy.

He's messing with us.

He wanted us to find that.

[Jimmy] I mean, should I call it?

[Flannery] Gee, you think?

(buttons beeping)

(call dialing)

[Wally] Hello, Whitley's.

- Who's this?

- Whitley's.

Whitley who?

[Wally] Enough with the

prank calls, you stupid kids!

No, this isn't a prank!

(dial tone buzzing)

Hello?

Well that's just great.

You as*h*le.

You pissed off the one person

that could have given

us a leg up on this deal.

[Jimmy] You told me to call!

Yeah, but I didn't tell you to f*ck up!

(Jimmy sighs)

Oh.

Jimmy!

Where you going, Jimmy?

Whitley's.

It's a restaurant.

He was saying Whitley's.

Why didn't you look it up?

Why didn't you?

How far is it?

[Jimmy] Says 30 minutes.

[Flannery] Oh, that's great.

We get to listen to

that f*cking head gasket

for the next half an hour.

You know, it sucks

they didn't live at least

one more day to fix it.

[Flannery] Yeah, f*cking assholes.

(soft rock music playing)

Ah, I'm taking a nap, Wally!

Call if you need me.

Oh, god.

I think I have to take a sh*t.

Well, it'll have to wait.

Shut your lazy piece of sh*t.

Nap.

A nap.

In California

Down by the sea

[Roy] Oh, you're

gonna love the food here.

It's great.

Oh look, there's a

table right there for us.

Hey, just sit anywhere.

We're not busy anyway.

Thanks for acknowledging me.

- I'll be right back, honey.

Okay, you just wait.

Thanks for taking care of me.

I'll be right back! (Both chuckle)

- Hi!

- Oh.

Excuse me, sir.

Uh, well I-I hate to take you away

from your educational literature.

Oh, you saw that.

Oh, well I-I'm gonna go over to your table

in a minute to take your order, cowpoke.

(Roy laughs)

Well actually, partner, that's just it.

Now, I don't want you to come over.

Huh?

I would just like to place my order,

and then have you leave us be,

'cause, well, my beautiful Bella,

she's mighty sick, and

well I would just hate

to have her infect you.

Infect me?

You know something?

That's not the craziest thing I've heard.

One time, this couple

wanted me to serve them

whipped cream in a can

while I watched them suck it.

The can.

Ah.

They gave me seven extra dollars.

They were really nice guys.

Yeah, uh, well.

Tell you what.

Here's $8 just to leave us be.

You got it.

Okay, what do you want?

I want a couple cheeseburgers,

French fries, and two strawberry milkshakes

with whipped cream on

top just to wash it all down,

but please, hold the can sucking.

Leave, (laughing) oh, I am so fried.

I was actually gonna write that down.

Leave out the can sucking!

Oh my.

It's can sucking night.

- Uh.

- Yeah.

(both laugh)

Hey, uh, wake up you lazy

- Huh?

- Piece of sh*t!

Huh?

Wait, wait, where am I?

And make the, uh, cheeseburgers,

and I'll get the milkshakes.

Okay, okay.

Two double cheeseburgers, two fries.

Oh, but they're gonna be rare.

I still have to take a sh*t.

(Roy sighs)

He's sure one for the books.

Food will be here any minute.

(casual music playing)

Oh, that's right.

$8 and I'm not getting sick.

Order's up, Lone Ranger.

No can suck! (Giggles)

I'll be right back, darling.

Gee, come on, jeez.

Come on. (Bell dinging)

I don't got all night.

No can, no I'm k*lling

the joke with the can.

Thank you, partner.

Much appreciated.

Hey, you know, I

appreciate not getting sick.

I just got over chicken pox.

Here you go, my love.

Only the best for you.

Uh, could I ask you

what is she sick with?

Uh, we're still waiting to hear back

from the doctor.

Possibly polio.

Polio?

Thanks a lot for coming in.

Honey, now, let me

season them taters for you.

There you go.

Oh now come on, honey.

You gotta eat.

You haven't eaten all day.

There we go.

(head thuds)

Oh honey, honey.

Oh, no.

No, no, no.

Come on now.

Oh.

You all right now?

- Sir?

- Oh, that's it, honey.

(tense music) That's it.

Is she okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, she's just sick.

Now-now you best go back over there,

'cause you sure don't

wanna get what she's got.

You seem fine.

Now sir, I've warned ya.

Is she breathing?

(Wally gasps)

Now you're in for a real treat.

(g*nsh*t fires)

I hate this job!

(dishes clattering)

(door slams) (Gerald farting)

(dark tense music)

(dark tense music continues)

(Roy rapping on wall)

(Roy raps on wall)

(c*ck p*stol)

(dark tense music continues)

(Gerald panting)

(dark tense music continues)

[Bella] Roy?

Roy!

Coming, sweetheart!

(Roy scoffs)

All right, honey.

Time to go!

Excuse me, Mr. Cowboy.

Please could you sh**t me again?

Pardon me?

I-I don't need to live anymore.

I'm done.

I get it.

Get what?

Life.

It's just meaningless.

You-you have these hopes

things are gonna happen,

like you-you'll get to hang out

with the 86 Mets, and

go to swingers parties.

I don't know what I'm saying, but I try

and do affirmations, and it's enough.

I'm tired.

Please, make it go away.

Well, that's, that's very well-said.

Goodnight, friend.

Thank you.

(g*nsh*t fires) (Wally grunts)

(Roy sighs)

Did you enjoy it, hon?

- Yeah.

- Ah.

Here.

- Let's get going.

- Hmm.

No one ever accused my baby of being cheap.

(both laugh)

Oh, heck.

There. (Both laugh)

Oh, I always have fun with you!

[Bella] Woo!

[Martha] I'll f*cking k*ll you,

you f*cking horse f*ck!

Get the f*ck out of my,

get that f*cking g*n

out of my f*cking face!

f*ck you!

Get it away!

Oh, you are in for a damn treat.

(g*nsh*t fires)

(Roy chuckles)

Well, how about we

finish that dance, little lady?

You gotta be f*cking kidding me!

You just shot my boyfriend

and m*rder*d all these people!

Well, maybe next time, then.

(Bella panting)

(g*nsh*t fires)

(Roy blows harmonica)

Oh.

Oh, everything I play,

I play for you, my love.

Oh, my darling

Oh, my darling

Oh, my darling little Bella

You were lost

And gone forever

My little Bella

Now you're mine

Oh my Bella

Oh my Bella

Oh my Bella

(soft tense music)

(Roy laughs)

(rooster crowing)

(Ernie grunting)

This is ridiculous, dad.

We shouldn't be out here.

We were out here when

your mother bit the dust!

I have a feeling we're

supposed to be here now.

You know that sounds

crazy as sh*t, right?

This whole goddam existence we live

is crazy as sh*t!

Completely made up of made-up rules.

This is bullshit!

I just wanna avenge mom's death.

Exactly.

Until then, we wait.

And we drink.

I think the liquor has finally rotted

what's left of your brain.

Stevie, I'm not a religious man,

but I do believe in your mother

still giving me sh*t

even though she's dead,

so we need to follow my gut.

True romance.

f*ck romance.

Good talk.

I'm going for a walk.

Well, that's a good idea.

Clear your head.

Watch out for bears.

And c*ck.

(rooster crows)

Poor Wally.

Died like he lived, alone.

[Lori] He's a convicted sex offender.

These guys deserve to die alone.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Pop the brakes on that comment.

He flashed it one time at a hockey game

when his team won.

I mean, he never did it again,

but it smeared his name for life.

And death.

Maybe he flashed again last night, and pow.

Highly doubtful.

Wally was really nice.

I mean, he always gave

me extra French fries.

No, he-he messed up once.

We shouldn't condemn him for it.

Besides, I feel like this was a robbery.

You feel like this was a robbery?

Yeah.

Well take a guess why it wasn't.

Um.

No clue.

Oh.

Look again, jeez.

Oh!

I got it.

(tense music)

What the f*ck?

Get that, what are you?

- I'm sorry.

- Out!

- I was tired.

- Out of the way!

- And my g*n fell.

- Just, ugh!

f*ck.

Jeez.

[Vanny] Why are you taking my side arm?

I need that, in case you hadn't noticed.

In case you hadn't noticed,

this is a m*rder scene.

Yeah.

And my g*n fell in the b*llet wound.

Poor Wally.

[Lori] So tell me,

why isn't this a robbery?

Register's closed.

Yo.

Flannery?

What are you doing here?

Well, judging by the looks of the body,

the same as you.

Do you two know each other?

Yeah.

We used to be partners.

Like husband and wife?

Yes, unfortunately.

Oh, I thought you meant partners like us?

(laughing) Hey, imagine if it was both.

That would be too weird.

Are they, like, married and partners?

That would never work.

We were.

It didn't.

- Oh.

- Oh.

You never answered my question.

Why are you here?

Well, we got a note

from our Cowboy k*ller

we're chasing with this

place's phone number on it.

Yeah, he's already k*lled four people,

at least that we know of.

Hey, psst.

Don't need to tell them that.

Okay, well we got here first,

so this is our crime scene.

And right now, there's no connection

that this is the same guy who

had that stupid phone number,

so piss off.

Oh, well Lori, I can

see you're just as pleasant

as you always were.

f*ck off!

Okay, well.

I guess, uh, we'll leave you

two to clean this mess up.

Help! (Lori gasps)

What the f*ck was...

Come out with your hands up!

- It's me, you assholes!

- Who the f*ck are you?

- Gerald!

- Gerald!

I'm Gerald!

I'm the cook here!

Lower your freaking g*ns.

He's the cook.

What happened?

Some yee-haw f*ck shot up the place.

Yee-haw f*ck!

Bingo, that's our connector!

[Jimmy] Hey, why didn't you run away?

I'm about 148 years old.

Plus the sound of the g*nshots

made me sh*t myself.

(Gerald farting)

Oh.

Guessing that's not

different from a normal day.

I ought a kick the

ever-loving sh*t out of you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I was just saying it

because I've sh*t myself

a lot, too, so I can relate.

Gerald, um, what did

this cowboy look like?

I never saw him.

Wally kept saying this

lame cowboy stuff at him,

like, uh, "Cow ba*ls," or

"Doody boy", he called him.

Wait, you mean Howdy Doody?

That's it!

All right, now we're talking.

Sounds like we got our man.

Any idea where he went?

Not a clue!

I told you, I sh*t myself. (Farts)

Uh, why don't do we go back

to the station and see how this connects

up to your victims?

[Flannery] Oh, you're

being all nice to us

now that you know we're

right. (Jimmy chuckles)

I never said you were right.

I'll tell you what right is.

That cash register is closed.

No thief is gonna

take the time to close it.

Also, on that table is cash,

and no thief is gonna

leave cash out in the open!

I was gonna say that!

[Both] Okay.

You're still a good detective.

An as*h*le, but a good detective.

I know.

b*tch.

Well, hey!

Hey!

Who's gonna bring me some fresh britches?

Hey?

(Gerald screams)

There's a dead Wally here!

(Gerald sobbing)

A dead Wally!

Okay, so far, we have zero connections

between the victims, other than the k*ller.

Great wrap-up.

Yeah, we've literally learned nothing

these last few hours.

Ugh, well if Flannery

would stop being so selfish,

maybe we could crack this case.

You said you had facts.

You have sh*t.

Roy Thompson.

Anyone named Roy is always a deviant.

Right?

Roy Williams.

Roy Rogerse.

Siegfried and Roy.

Did you know the name Roy

is most associated with murderers?

Oh.

Did you know that for a fact?

No.

You're a moron. (Door opening)

So are you.

Hey.

- Piss off.

- Good morning.

Well, not good, but it is morning, I guess.

Jesus, could you be more depressing?

Who are these guys?

Hey, I'm Jimmy, and this is, uh

Flannery?

Operator Carla.

Oh my, it's been like 20 years, at least.

At least.

How've you been?

Well, now that I'm

away from her, just great.

Great, great.

You want a breakfast burrito?

Oh, I knew I smelled breakfast burritos.

Yes, please.

Anyone else?

Good morning, Carla.

I would actually love a burrito.

I literally dream about them.

I'm glad someone appreciates my cooking.

Just give me the stupid thing.

This is without a doubt

the most incredible breakfast burrito

I've ever tried in my entire life.

Oh yeah.

Back when I was with her, and she cooked,

which was rare, it was shitty.

Oh, you're one to talk.

Your idea of a meal for us

was a shitty pizza, and a six pack.

Oh, that's my favorite meal.

Well, besides these incredible burritos.

Same!

I mean, these are so delicious.

I mean, I honestly have

wet dreams about them.

Hell yeah!

What?

Oh god.

Dreams.

Normal dreams.

Dry.

Bone dry dreams.

- Glad you all like them.

- Sure, mm.

I nearly k*lled my husband this morning

in a fight about them.

He pisses me off so bad some days.

What'd he do?

I woke up at five a.m. to

make them for breakfast.

Oh my god, Carla.

We didn't have any half

and half, like he likes in them,

so I used two percent milk.

He comes down, takes

one bite, spits it in the sink,

and says, "f*cking gross!"

I told him we didn't

have any half and half.

He says, "I could tell!"

He laughs and leaves for work.

Jesus.

What an as*h*le.

Yeah, he sucks hard.

Boy, this sounds like a piece of work.

Yeah, you should leave that sack of sh*t.

Alone is so much better,

because you don't have to deal

with someone's negativity and their farting

and their snoring and

their disgusting hygiene,

and their singing!

You can't sing!

Get it?

Oh god, these f*cking burritos.

The last 10 years have felt

like mental abuse from hell!

(Carla sobbing)

Um.

Carla, we need to talk.

I would like that.

Okay.

Anywho.

Glad you all like the burritos.

- Mm.

- These are excellent.

- Really.

- Okay.

Enough with the burritos.

Let's move on.

Come on.

Wet dreams.

- Absolutely.

- All right, that's a wrap.

(Jimmy moaning) I can't take it anymore.

You guys gotta... Ew!

Get outta here.

Call me if you have

any information to share.

(Jimmy and Flannery moaning)

I said the dream was dry.

I can't believe he's

even grosser than you are.

(Burgie snoring)

[Roy] Hey, Pops!

- Huh?

- Pops, are you up here?

- Huh?

- Can I come up?

Oh, yeah, yeah!

Come on up!

Come in, grab a seat.

(Burgie groans)

Poured you a little libation there.

(Roy exhales)

Oh.

Aw.

Mm.

So.

Well.

It looks like I come

to the end of the trail

on the little lady front, there.

Well don't give up.

Stick it out.

Come on.

Just, you know, just-just keep her close.

Oh, but I'm worried, dad.

Oh, f*ck worrying.

I've learned two things in my life.

Every time I plan for success,

I got the goddam opposite.

More important, whatever moments do come,

if you're satisfied,

then, uh, f*ck all the rest.

Hey, here's to Roy and his wife-to-be!

And screw everyone else, huh?

Yeah.

f*ck all the rest.

Mm.

Oh, but I'm still scared sh*t less, dad!

I don't know what to do!

Oh, god.

Didn't you hear a word I said?

No, but I-I think I might be causing

my Bella some pain. (Soft music)

I think maybe her life

might have been better

if I, if I just hadn't

dragged her into mine.

Who cares?

As long as you're satisfied, she'll be,

she'll be fine.

Just be happy that you're, um,

got a woman to talk to.

Let alone wanna marry you?

I mean, look at you.

I mean, you're dressed

like a friggin' cowboy.

It's the 21st century, for god's sake.

Why do you always do that?

Do what?

sh*t on me!

You're always just sh1tting on me, old man!

Oh, you just calm down.

Or you're gonna get another

damn treat! (Belt snapping)

You're right, dad.

I'm sorry.

You ought a watch that g*n.

It's gonna get you into a mess of trouble.

(Roy scoffs)

Yeah, like you didn't?

Yeah, yeah, well.

Just watch yourself, huh?

Life's a b*tch, that's for sure.

Look, look.

Be with that girl.

She'll point you in the right direction,

or not.

I gotta go mow a lawn.

Dad, thanks.

What the hell?

Burritos make me wet?

Jimmy, Flannery.

You guys are off the Roy Thompson case.

What?

Why?

You got a complaint

from the other precinct.

You made derogatory comments about women.

You said, "Burritos make me wet"?

Oh wait a goddam second.

Are you serious?

She's the one who said

Hey, I don't want to

hear it. Doesn't matter now.

What's done is done.

If I may please say

something, Chief White?

Detective Vanny is the one

that said eating burritos make her wet.

I was simply repeating it.

Yeah, and Lori, my devil

of an ex-wife, she said

Who cares?

You guys get some time off, so be happy!

Oh, this really pisses me off.

She's the one that said it first!

Hey, no smoking in the office, kid.

Since when?

Since always!

That's a really dumb rule.

No eating, either!

You've had enough cookies!

Put it away.

Put it down right now.

Hey Chief, Chief.

Who was it exactly

that put in the complaint?

Carla Witherspoon.

Oh, f*ck that b*tch!

- Unbelievable.

- I f*cking hate her!

Right.

I've gotta get a nap.

You guys, I don't know,

go home, or something.

Sir, this doesn't make sense.

We're the ones who started chasing him.

We should finish it!

Yeah, Ned.

Come on, we go way back.

Just give us a chance.

It's not up to me, boys.

I'm tired, for god's sake.

I gotta get some rest.

Would you please turn off

the lights when you leave?

This is bullshit!

Yeah, complete bullshit! (Door slams)

You guys are a little rapey.

[Flannery] Who the f*ck are you?

(Tido moaning)

Mm. (Laughing)

Another incredible one, hon.

You know when I have

to loosen the old pants,

you know it was a success. (Laughing)

Glad you're not

gonna spit it in the sink!

Are you still pissed about this morning?

It was early.

I was tired.

And that burrito sucked. (Laughing)

Up yours!

Whoa!

Whoa is right!

All you do is insult me

all the goddam time!

I'm over it!

Uh, you forgot.

I did compliment you on the dinner.

By not saying a word to me

as you shoveled food in your face,

and then, and then unbuckling your belt?

Wow!

Another tremendous shitty evening

of you complimenting my dinner!

You know, I'm gonna take a little walk

and let you cool off a bit.

Go!

Blah, blah, blah, blah!

Who cares?

You're the crazy one!

You big dickhead!

Dickhead?

Uh.

f*ck this.

I'm outta here.

Crazy as*h*le! (Tido grunts)

(door opens and closes) (Carla groans)

(cat chirps)

(Carla kisses cat) (cat purring)

(Carla crying)

(rooster crowing)

(Tido grunting)

I want a divorce.

How 'bout that, Carla?

How 'bout them burritos?

Yeah.

They f*cking sucked, honey!

- You hear that?

- Yeah.

If it's the cowboy, you

know what you gotta do, son.

Restrain him and call the police.

Son, he k*lled your mother.

I'll bash his legs in to stop him

from-from trying to run away!

You smash his brains out with a rock!

[Tido] I'm crazy?

No, no.

You the one who's crazy... Yeah!

[Tido] You the one that's crazy.

What the sh*t?

No.

First off, how do we

even know it's the cowboy?

This is for your mother!

And if that means

beating her k*ller to death

with a rock, then that's what

the f*ck you're gonna do!

Got it?

Uh, hi!

Hi there.

He's not the cowboy.

Shocking.

No, no.

I've been told I was a

force in the bedroom.

(Tido giggles)

(Tido laughing)

We're straight.

(laughing) No, no, no.

My name is Tido Kowalski.

I live in the neighborhood

back that way with my wife.

My female wife.

You a k*ller, Tido Kowalski?

Me?

No.

I'm an attorney.

So, worse than a k*ller.

Don't-don't mind him.

He's, can be a nerd.

What are you guys doing out here?

Uh, camping.

Just two guys.

Camping.

What does it matter?

Just tell him.

Tell me what?

That my dad's a drunk spaz.

Don't, no! (Tido laughs)

My wife, his mother, was k*lled yesterday

- by a cowboy!

- Oh.

And her spirit may be

leading us to the k*ller.

I think I know where you're going.

Is that whisky?

Yeah, it is.

We're a little dried up here.

Stay?

Why the hell not?

A ghost wife is better than a live wife.

(both chuckle)

- Amen.

- Amen. (Laughing)

It never ends.

Ah, I am so pissed!

This is probably gonna

be your last one, fellas.

The yelling is getting out of control.

I won't yell anymore, I promise.

Can we just have a

drink without a lecture

from a guy wearing a ship

captain uniform on land?

Christ.

This is a theme bar, as*h*le.

I like to keep things shipshape.

(upbeat pop music playing)

You know, I'm really glad

that we're away from Lori,

but I am really pissed off that

we were taken off that case.

I say we go after him

and f*ck him up anyway!

Yeah!

Did you hear what I just said?

Shh.

I'm quiet.

I'm quiet.

We can't let her win, all right?

This son of a b*tch is walking around

dressed like a cowboy.

How long can he blend in?

The BTK k*ller.

He'll revisit his m*rder sites!

- We got him! (Laughing)

- Yeah!

That's it!

Look, I'm very sorry.

It won't happen again, okay?

Shh.

Last warning.

Damn.

That is the smartest

thing you have ever said.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

I mean, the BT, that guy.

We-we should start with

the clothing warehouse,

and the bar.

I bet he's just sitting there, jacking off.

Yes!

Gross.

No, no, not that, okay?

I'm talking about your idea.

Oh, yeah.

Just one more drink, and we'll head out

and swoop in and catch that son of a b*tch!

We don't wanna swoop too soon.

He'll know we're swooping.

Swoop.

Swoop.

Swoop!

Swoop!

Swoop!

- Yeah!

- Swoop!

- Yes!

- Swoop!

(Flannery laughs) Swoop!

Swoop!

Swoop!

Swoop!

That's it!

You're out!

Hey!

We're goddam cops, okay?

And we're very good at our jobs,

so just piss off, m*therf*cker.

Swoop.

[Both] Swoop!

Swoop!

Swoop!

Swoop!

Swoop!

Swoop!

Swoop!

Swoop!

- Swoop!

- Hey!

Shut the f*ck up, you two morons, will you?

Yeah, shut the f*ck

up, you swooping idiots!

We don't care if you're cops or not!

You're two drunks sitting on a bar stool,

taking up space, so shut the f*ck up.

Oh, blow it out your a*s, grandma.

We'll swoop whenever we want, okay?

You f*ck face?

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

There's no need to curse.

Okay?

We-we're sorry.

We just had, tell you what.

We'll buy you a round, huh?

How's that?

(Paul snickers)

Oh no, it's okay.

No-no round is necessary.

Oh yeah, yeah. We're

gonna buy you lots of drinks.

Whiskies, and beers.

But he's not gonna buy anything,

because he's a cheap son of a b*tch.

Shut up.

You stupid f*cking piece of sh*t!

You son of a b*tch!

sh*t.

All hands on deck.

[Flannery] Hey, hey, hey!

(Jimmy shouts)

Hey, no!

This is exciting.

I never get to leave the station.

I just have to answer the damn phones,

and they never stop ringing.

Rein it in, Carla, okay?

Maybe if I do okay, I could come out

on more cases with you?

No. This is a one and done deal.

If Vanny wasn't back at the station puking,

she'd be here.

(knocks on door)

Really?

What the?

- Can I help you?

- Mr. Thompson?

Burgie Thompson?

Who wants to know?

We're detectives investigating

a string of homicides.

Ah.

I ain't seen or heard nothing.

You ladies have a good day.

No, no, no!

Mr. Thompson.

Have you seen your son Roy lately?

My son?

Roy?

Uh.

He hasn't been out this way in years.

If you do see him, would you call us?

No.

(Lori shouts)

God, you pissed him off.

Jeez!

And who said you could talk, anyway?

[Vanny Over Radio] Lori, come in.

It's Vanny.

Vanny, we're at the Thompsons' residence.

[Vanny Over Radio] I

know, but I just got a call

about somebody seeing a cowboy

take a woman into a warehouse.

Okay, send us the address.

We're on our way.

Over and out.

[Vanny Over Radio] Pick me up on the way!

I'm feeling better.

I puked it out.

Most of it.

Uh-oh.

Disgusting.

- Ugh.

- Yuck.

[Lori] God.

f*cking people.

(Roy sighs)

Honey?

- Honey?

- Hmm?

I'm sorry to wake up.

(yawns) You can wake me anytime.

Well, with my, with my dad's blessings,

well, sort of, it's time

to do what we must.

You know I'll do whatever

you want any day you want.

I forgive you, okay?

Now just forgive yourself.

Ah.

I wish it was that easy.

It is.

(soft music)

If it is, then why can't I?

You can, sweetheart.

You have to forgive

everyone for who they are.

Starting with yourself.

That's how we separate

the good from the bad.

Oh.

Oh, well if that's true, mom,

then why did you have to leave papa?

Oh.

Sometimes people shouldn't be together.

But I'm gonna miss you too much, mama.

Missing each other is part of life, Roy.

Maybe papa will change!

And then you can stay, mama!

No, Roy.

I've met someone.

It's time to move on.

Without your son?

I will call and write you often.

No, mama.

No!

I don't want to be alone!

You have your daddy. (Roy whimpers)

He's a much better father than he husband.

- Oh, he is a mean man!

- Shh!

He will take care of you.

And he's a good man.

You remember that.

And don't blame yourself.

You did nothing wrong.

We'll always be together.

Right here.

No, mama.

No, mama.

No, mama, don't go!

(church bells tolling)

No, mama, don't leave!

- No, no, no!

- Roy, sweetheart!

Sweetheart, it's just a dream!

It's just a dream, you're okay.

- You're okay.

- Oh.

- Yeah.

- Oh, yeah.

- Yeah.

- Oh, it's just a dream.

- Yeah.

- Oh.

- Just remember.

- Oh.

Dreams come and go, Roy.

But nightmares?

They last forever. (Dark tense music)

(upbeat pop music playing) (both groaning)

Let me win.

I'm obese.

What game are we playing?

- Football?

- Uh.

Football. (Both grunt)

(Paul mumbling)

You're a good dude, man.

What's that?

- Really?

- I love you, man.

Oh. (Laughing)

Ooh.

Don't tell my wife.

- Don't stop.

- Ah.

(waves crashing)

I love booze.

(thunder crashing)

Whoa.

It's getting choppy.

(waves crashing)

Those are big waves

batting down the hatches!

I'm going down with the ship!

I'm not going down with the ship.

(Bailey screams)

(birds chirping)

Rise and shine, sleepyhead!

[Stevie] Go away!

Put the half and half in it this time.

Some people aren't professional drinkers.

(chuckles) Ah, it's gonna

be a great day, Martha.

(shoe splats)

(groans) Son of a b*tch!

You gotta sh*t on me, even

in the afterlife, don't you?

(dreamy music) (Martha laughing)

Good!

That's what you get

for making our son drink.

(soft music)

(soft music continues)

(gate creaking)

Shut up!

Guys.

Guys.

Thanks for picking me up.

I feel so much better.

Don't feel sick at all now.

Speaking of sick, my

husband, who I'm sick of,

wasn't even there when

I woke up this morning.

I didn't care.

I felt relieved.

I felt relieved after the third puke.

Shut... Oops.

Both of you up, for god's sakes!

Ugh, f*ck me!

(Marcia cheering)

- Oh, sh*t.

- Holy t*ts!

[Carla] Bouncing bazumbas!

Her whole body's on display!

Hey, hey.

Little nipply out, isn't it?

Ma'am, are you okay?

Is someone after you,

or were you hurt?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's a lot of questions, Miss Jeopardy.

One at a time.

It was a lot of questions, Lori.

- Oh god.

- Right?

Right.

Ah, it's too hot! (All shriek)

- No!

- Nope!

No, nope, nope!

[Vanny] Let's get those hooters in, okay?

No!

[Carla] Cover up those balloons!

(Marcia laughing)

Balloons? (Laughing)

God, you guys are so funny.

You should start a podcast, for real.

Not you, though.

- Oh, no.

- What's a podcast?

You know, are you on something?

Everything but a d*ck.

Oh. (All laughing)

And she's funny, too!

Hey, what do you think?

Podcast, party of three?

Shut... Yeah!

Up, all of you.

What are you doing, running

around here half naked?

Well.

Miss a*s mullet personality.

I...

(Marcia sighs)

[Lori] Come on, focus!

Um.

I was at a rave.

Microdosing on mushrooms.

But then, micro turned into mega,

and then mega turned into,

just doing all the mushrooms.

Girl, you are so lucky, 'cause look,

one time I took, like, a tiny

teaspoon of mushrooms,

but I took a bite out of the VCR,

and I put my pillow in the air fryer.

(Marcia laughing)

Was the air fryer okay?

Enough!

Enough!

Is the rave in there?

No, dude.

After eating the gallon-sized

bag of mushrooms...

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Focus, come on.

Um.

Oh!

Oh yeah!

I ran into this old cowboy,

and we came back here to hook up.

Cowboy, cowboy, cowboy.

You know, f*ck.

Yeah, I know. (Marcia laughing)

Cowboy, it's him.

God.

Is the cowboy... Yee-haw!

Is the cowboy in there?

Oh, uh, yeah!

I was all about his lemon party, you know,

but he wanted to live stream it.

I love a camera, but not when I'm naked.

I'm running for Congress.

Lori.

Lori, we should call for backup.

We got both entrances covered.

Let's just call.

Okay.

What's a lemon party?

(Marcia and Carla laugh)

(Bailey snoring)

(Bailey gasping)

We made it.

We made it!

I need another bottle.

Another bottle!

(boat creaks) (Bailey crashes)

(both snoring) (soft music)

(alarm sounding) (all groaning)

- Honey, answer that!

- It's late!

- Shut it up.

- Oh sorry, guys.

- Answer the phone, as*h*le!

- k*ll yourself.

(all groaning)

- Oh, k*ll yourself.

- Sleeping.

Five more minutes, dildo!

Five more minutes, indeed.

- Ah.

- Ah.

(call dialing)

Flannery's not answering his phone.

Well you really should wait for backup.

This guy's k*lled a lot of people.

Okay, I'm calling him one more time,

but if he doesn't answer, we're going in

after this piece of sh*t.

Well hey, Carla, why

don't you come in as backup?

I got it!

No!

No.

There's a reason they

call her Operator Carla.

Oh.

I'll back you up! (Upbeat

music) (Carla yelps)

With these t*tties!

- Oh, Jesus! (Marcia laughs)

- Pew, pew, pew!

- Ah, god!

- Pew, pew, pew, pew!

- Oh, disgusting!

- Get her in the van!

- Pew, pew, pew, pew!

- I'll take her!

- Pew, pew!

- Put your jacket on.

- Oh, someone.

- Jacket on, jacket off!

- Oh, god!

Jack it on... Cover the booty!

- Jesus Christ.

- Jack it off! (Laughing)

Ugh! (Vanny laughs)

She's a lot of fun.

You're nuts!

You know that?

Nuts!

Leave me alone!

I've got some serious business to do here.

God, all of you.

You're Ret*rded!

All of you are Ret*rded!

Whoa!

Where the f*ck are you?

(arrow whooshes)

(arrow lands)

Oh.

I kinda feel like I'm hogging it.

Anybody else wanna sh**t?

How about our recent trophy winner?

I'm still spinning. It's

probably not a good idea for me

to fire arrows right now.

Last thing I wanna do is sh**t a weapon.

Maybe use a toilet.

(Tido groaning)

Fire a few.

I gotta take a leak.

See if there's any more libations.

All right, Stevie.

There's a reason you're the champion.

There's a reason you're the champion.

All the chicks.

All the chicks wanna be with you, Stevie.

All the chicks.

(arrow whooshes)

(arrow lands)

(Stevie laughs)

We wanna have your babies, Stevie!

(bow clatters)

(all snoring)

(cellphone rings)

(all groaning)

- Stop it!

- Please!

- It's me.

- Oh.

What?

Ugh, where the hell have you been?

Did you listen to my voicemail?

No.

Are you drunk?

No.

Well, halfway.

Listen to the voicemail

and get your asses over here.

We have the cowboy

cornered in the warehouse.

What?

You-you got him cornered in the warehouse?

The clothing one?

(Vanny huffing)

We have to go in.

(dramatic music)

Okay.

Jimmy!

Jimmy!

Hey, don't you know

sleeping when you see it?

Listen to me, man.

What?

They got the cowboy

cornered in the warehouse.

- Wait, the clothing one?

- The clothing warehouse!

I hope so.

- Let's go!

- Okay.

- I'm awake, I'm awake.

- Come on.

Yeah, get your sh*t.

- Let's go.

- Okay.

[Flannery] So long, boys!

Yeah.

Why don't you eat a

wheelbarrow full of butt holes?

Call me!

Oh, Jimmy.

Take this.

You might need it.

Let's go.

- Goodbye!

- Goodbye!

Get the cowboy!

Good luck!

Oh!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Keep those owls in the trees, missy.

Come on, let's go.

(dark exciting music)

From the grave

That's just a mannequin.

Good lord.

Do you think I'd look good in that?

Go.

Keep going.

(dark exciting music continues)

[Old Man] You know, Rachel,

I find you extremely attractive.

Freeze!

Oh, hi ladies!

Come and join the show.

Oh by the way, I can only use one of you.

Stand up with your hands up!

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm attached to her hip. (Laughing)

Oh, god it's not him.

It's just some old guy

who's taken too much Viagra.

That's disgusting!

Wanna peek?

Why not?

Ugh.

Turn off that live stream!

How many followers you got?

No!

No!

Turn off that live stream, and no!

This is perversion!

Stop it, you bad, bad man!

Where is Flannery?

(Roy panting)

- You feel that?

It beats for me now.

You feel that?

It beats for you now.

And every breath blows

our hearts closer together

with every passing moment.

Ah, I love you, Roy.

But what is it?

Is it me?

Did I do something?

No.

(car approaching)

(tense music)

Where's Lori?

I don't know, man.

Are you sure this is the right warehouse?

They all look the same.

Yeah, this is where he k*lled Martha.

Wanna go in, huh?

Okay.

You wanna go first?

No.

Okay.

(tense exciting music)

(tense exciting music continues)

- Roy Thompson?

- Lori!

You gents looking for me?

Hey, hey, hey!

Roy Thompson!

Put your hands up.

We got you.

Don't move, you sick f*ck.

Howdy, fellas.

Howdy your a*s.

Get on the ground.

Get on the ground, on your knees.

(Roy grunts)

- All right.

- Yeah, right now.

[Roy] All right, all right.

All right, look, you

Slow.

Yeah, you got me,

but unfortunately, not soon enough.

Hey Flannery, look.

Oh boy.

The beautiful Bella Blue,

was such a beautiful soul.

Unfortunately, she just

got on the wrong side

of a fellow with a

tortured heart and a g*n.

You m*therf*cker!

Hey Flannery, what are you doing, man?

Look, he'll get punished in prison, okay?

- He'll get f*ck-f*cked.

- Huh?

It'll all work out.

Not this time.

Barry Blue would want

me to blow this f*ck away.

Look, it doesn't matter, okay?

He'll get punished.

He deserves that, but not like this.

Hey, besides, you won.

What are you talking about?

You caught him, not Lori.

Oh, f*ck Lori.

(soft music)

Bang.

Cuff him, Jimmy.

Hey, hey! (Dramatic music)

That's it!

All right, drop the g*n.

Drop the g*n!

Drop it, or I'll sh**t him!

Do it, p*ssy.

Hey, oh, what?

All right, I will! (Jimmy yelping)

No!

No, no, no.

[Roy] Throw it on the bed, go on!

That's my g*n.

Now back up.

Back up.

Get there, back to back.

Back to back.

- Sorry, Flannery.

- All right.

It's okay, Jimmy.

Now wait right there.

Ha!

Sorry, boys.

It's not time for old Roy to run off

to the sunset just yet.

Ah, and there, ha!

Ha!

(Roy grunts)

Yeah!

You guys thought you caught Roy Thompson?

Well, what you guys think

you're the Pinkertons, or something, huh?

You just stay there.

No sh*t.

Hey, at least he didn't tie us up

like we were 69-ing,

you know like that couple

in the home invasion, those two guys?

Would you please shut the f*ck up?

Oh, would you both shut the f*ck up?

Now, you boys are in for a damn,

a damn!

f*ck it!

All right.

All right, I'm going out that door.

First guy that follows me out,

I'm gonna blow their d*ck

into the next guy's a*s!

Gross.

Well.

What now?

Guess our ending sucks.

f*ck!

We failed.

(Jimmy sighs)

Hey, let's get this rope off.

Ow.

Careful!

- No, no, walk this way.

- Okay, I'm trying.

- Ow!

- Hey, good.

[Jimmy] I hurt my ankle.

[Flannery] How did you hurt your ankle?

[Jimmy] I twisted it when

he was yanking on us.

- Oh, Jesus.

- Ow!

(tense music)

(Roy grunts)

(rooster crowing)

(Roy grunting)

(suspenseful music)

Ernie!

Stevie!

Is that the cowboy?

Hey, come on!

Come on!

Okay.

(rooster crowing)

(tense exciting music)

(Tido farting)

(tense exciting music continues)

(exciting dramatic music)

(slow suspenseful music)

(arrow whooshes)

(g*nsh*t fires)

Oh, sh*t.

(arrow whooshes and thuds)

(g*nsh*t fires)

(g*n clattering)

(Roy crashes)

I got him!

You did it!

I got him!

You got him!

I got him!

You did it!

- My boy!

- Good shot, nerd!

You got him! (Laughing)

You found a toilet!

Yeah! (Laughing) (Tido laughing)

(Roy coughing) (soft solemn music)

(Flannery chuckles)

Nobody's gonna be putting their a*s

on that guy's d*ck.

That was a lot of fun.

(soft dramatic music)

(all cheering)

- Yeah!

- Yeah!

My son got him!

My son got him! (All cheering and laughing)

Happy trails, m*therf*cker!

1,000 times.

(upbeat blues rock music) (singer scatting)

(upbeat blues rock music continues)

(door opening)

(light switch clicks)

Lights!

Dammit, Jimmy, you f*cking c**t!

Why are you such a little b*tch, Jimmy?

Sorry, everybody.

I didn't know you were sleeping.

Goodnight.

f*ck.

(upbeat blues rock music continues)

(upbeat blues rock music continues)

(upbeat blues rock music continues)

(upbeat blues rock music continues)

(upbeat blues rock music continues)

(upbeat blues rock music continues)

(singer scatting)

(singer continues scatting)

(singer continues scatting)

(music stops)

(upbeat blues rock music continues)

(music fading)

(soft dreamy music)

(Martha laughing)

Good!

That's what you get

for making our son drink.

Why do all men drink so much?

Not all men do.

Just the dickheads.

So, all men.

But trust me, I was a bartender,

and all men are drunks,

and they're usually pretty bad at sex.

Sex is overrated.

I was so glad once we stopped.

It's better alone, trust me.

Speak for yourself.

I love sex.

Me too.

I love the sensations.

Beat it, Leeroy.

Wait, I thought we had something.

What does it matter?

We're all dead anyhow.

Just have a threesome lifestyle.

Yeah.

I'm no cuck!

Oh, I love a good watching party.

Can you all leave?

I was enjoying my alone time

before this bullshit.

Oh, beat off on the cloud.

[Wally] Oh, I'm glad

the moment I get here

the party's over.

(giggles) Who are you?

I'm Wally.

I was m*rder*d by the Cowboy k*ller.

I'm glad to be here.

Wait, you were k*lled by a cowboy?

Uh... We were k*lled

- by a cowboy.

- I was k*lled by a cowboy.

- So were we!

- You were k*lled by a cowboy?

Cowboy k*lled me.

Yeah, I was k*lled by a cowboy.

Right in the bar.

Right in the bar.

That is indeed correct, dear ones.

Yes.

Oh.

It's so good to see you connecting.

Guys, stop the mops.

- Holy hell.

- Lookit.

(laughs) God.

Thank you, God.

And it's true.

All of you were victims

of, what's his name?

Roy Thompson.

Roy Thompson, also

known as the Cowboy k*ller.

You've been brought

here as your cleansing

to connect before you

enter an eternity of bliss.

Quick story.

Uh.

It was, wow.

- 2000.

- 2000 years ago, already.

Just, time. (Makes whoosh sound)

2000 years ago, I started heaven

as a small business in college,

and you know, no one thought it would work.

Except one person.

Well, he was sober. (God laughs)

- And a good lay.

- Please.

[Mrs. God] It is possible ladies.

That's right.

If she didn't believe in me,

if she didn't love me, I

don't think I would have

the strength to push heaven.

And look at heaven today.

I mean, we have more followers

than anyone or anything.

2.4 billion followers.

That's great, and all.

But what does that have

to do with us connecting?

Ah, well, you see.

In life, we survive, we thrive,

by having a support group.

And so now this will be

your forever support group.

(church bells tolling)

- f*ck.

Hear that?

Hear that?

That means it's time.

It means it's time for you to enjoy

the heaven which you deserve.

So gather together, and hold hands,

embrace your connection.

You can do it.

Yes, yes, don't be shy.

That's right, close your eyes.

And go to where you

have your deepest desires.

Go to wherever your heart takes you,

and enjoy the journey,

because that will be your new bliss.

Jesus Christ.

We've been waiting.

(wind whooshing)

How did her husband put up with her?

Booze.

(upbeat blues rock music continues)

(music fades)

(Multicom Jingle)