04x04 - Dear Robbie

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My Three Sons, starring Fred McMurray,
and as Bub, William Frawley.

And Mr. Twitchell's geology group went on a
field trip to Bryant Cliffs last Saturday morning.

Mr. Twitchell pointed out fossil prints in
the street in which convinced the class

that Bryant Cliffs were in existence
during the Paleozoic period.

Boy, this is really headline stuff.

It'll rip the lid right off City Hall.

Jolesville, that's what it is.

Look, I wrote that item.

And let's see you make something out of a
geology field trip without getting personal about it.

Nobody reads the Sentinel.

They just make paper airplanes out of it.

I think we should put out something
readable or forget about the whole project.

What do you call readable?

Well, how about starting our own column?

You know, like giving advice, answering questions.

You mean like Dear Minnie and all that jazz?

Yeah.

Sure, we could get the kids started in
writing in about their family beefs.

You'd fill up the whole paper.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

That's a good idea.

Sounds like a popular idea.

We'll call it Dear Robbie.

Yeah.

Steve, have you read Robbie's column lately?

Yeah, I've read it, Bub.

He tells me the circulation has gone up
from 300 to over 500.

Not only that, the kids aren't wrapping up the,
well, the remainders of their lunches anymore.

They're actually reading it.

That kid has given free advice all over the place.

Well, you know Robbie.

He's even been telling them how to handle
their parents, and that's not right.

That's just kid stuff, Bub.

Have you read this?

Dear Robbie, I have to shave every day,
but my father stands there laughing at me.

Signed, The Beard.

Dear Beard, use your dad's razor.

He'll stop laughing.

Signed, Robbie.

What's wrong with that, Bub?

Well, can't you just see a lot of fuzzy-faced
kids all over town ruining their father's razors?

Yeah, but don't worry about it.

It's all harmless.

Yeah, but who's going to guarantee that it stays harmless?

Bub, I think Robbie's column is a good way
for kids to let off steam.

I'll see ya.

Kids can get pretty serious all of a sudden.

Wait till the roof falls in.

Dear Robbie, I have fallen in love with an older man.

I want to marry him right away,
but my parents don't approve.

Should we elope?

Signed, Bewildered.

Boy, that sure is a clunky name.

How would you like to be named Bewildered Douglas?

Well, let's see what he answers.

Dear Bewildered, real love only comes once in a lifetime.

For some of us, it comes early in life.

For some of us, it comes very late.

But if you miss your chance, you may never get another.

You may never get another.

Lots of famous people in history got married
in their teens, and it didn't hurt them at all.

It would be nice if your parents
approved and you could have

a family wedding, but your next best choice is to elope.

Don't wait until it's too late.

And Robbie, what can he be thinking of asking you to elope?

That's pretty neat, huh?

I saw him do it on TV.

Only the father moved the ladder and the
guy fell two stories into a rain barrel.

Robbie?

Robbie?

He's not home.

Where is he, Chip?

He and Gail are goofing off at some girl's house.

What girl's house?

With Robbie, who knows?

Hello.

Yes, this is Robbie's father.

Miss Whitmore?

Oh, Robbie's journalism teacher.

I just read it, Miss Whitmore.

I agree with you.

It's a very serious matter.

I only wish I knew where he was.

Tell me, Miss Whitmore, have you any idea
who Bewildered is?

I see.

Yes.

Well, I'll cooperate any way I can, Miss Whitmore.

Yes.

Goodbye.

What's all the humbug?

Robbie's column.

He's advised a teenage girl to elope with an older man.

Miss Whitmore put bulletins around the school asking
the girl to call Robbie before she did anything drastic.

Hello.

Hello.

No, I'm sorry, Robbie isn't here.

Who is this?

Please don't hang up.

This is Robbie's father.

Is this Bewildered?

Yeah, I had a message to call Robbie.

You're not married yet, are you?

Uh-uh, but I'm going to elope.

Look, in a way, I feel responsible for Robbie's column.

Could I talk to you someplace?

Well, you think you're going to make me
change my mind, Mr. Douglas.

You're wrong.

You know, Robbie's so absolutely right.

Love comes only once to each of us.

And boy, I'm not missing the boat.

All I want is a chance to see you.

It's best to talk this over as two
intelligent human beings.

Not just like an adult lecturing a teenager.

No, no, I promise you.

Now, where could I meet you?

Any place you say.

Well, I was going to say goodbye to a
few girlfriends at the mall shop, so... Oh, fine.

How will I know you?

I'll be wearing dirty sneakers and...

And I'm a blonde.

Blonde.

Blonde.

Dirty sneakers.

Are you bewildered?

Not since I dropped Latin.

I'm sorry.

Are you bewildered?

I'm taking a poll or something.

This guy bothering you, Linda?

I was just looking for someone wearing dirty sneakers.

Well, your shoes are nothing to write home
about either, mister.

I'm sorry.

Mr. Douglas?

Yes?

Well, I'm bewildered.

I thought you said you were a blonde.

Yeah, well, I wanted a chance to look you over first.

Oh.

Well, if you want to talk, come on, I got a booth.

Look, I can't go on calling you that.

What is your name?

Well, I'll tell you my first name.

Joanie.

Well, Joanie, I want you to forget
Robbie's advice about eloping.

Mr. Douglas, you promised that... I know.

I'll try not to sound like I'm lecturing.

There you are.

What do you have, sir?

Nothing for me.

Thank you.

All right.

Joanie, Robbie is young and impulsive, and I'm
afraid he doesn't... Well, sometimes he just doesn't think.

I'm sure he didn't realize what he was
doing when he advised you to...

Well, to do something that might cause you and
your parents to be unhappy for the rest of your lives.

And I'm sure they'd be terribly hurt if
you eloped with this man.

Well, that's the only way I can marry John, and I love him.

You're sure you love him?

Oh, yes.

Oh, jeez.

He's everything a girl could wish for.

I mean, he's a dreamy dancer, and he has a
red convertible with a four-barrel carburetor.

Well, I realize these are wonderful qualities in a man,
Joanie, but I think you should wait and, well, think it over.

Yeah, but if I wait, I might lose John.

Joanie, you seem to be a very intelligent girl.

You're certainly a very pretty girl.

You really think so?

Yes, of course I think so.

I mean, the part about my being
intelligent and very pretty.

Yes, I think you're an extremely attractive girl, and
you deserve a man who could fully appreciate you.

Hi, Joanie.

Hello, Marianne.

I sure didn't expect you, Mr. Douglas.

Oh, uh, have we met?

Oh, yes, I'm the girl who owns the water skis.

Robbie takes me out during the summer.

Well,

I'll see you next summer.

Oh, sure.

You two want to be alone.

You were saying about how I deserve a man
who fully appreciates me?

Yes.

Yes, and I meant that, Joanie.

I think you should have a man who can fully appreciate you.

Joanie has gone to elope with whom?

Steve Douglas.

Joanie told me that she was going to elope
with an older man, but I didn't know it was Mr.

Douglas until I saw him together in the mall show.

I don't think Joanie should marry a man with three sons.

Three sons?

Two of them older than she is.

Well, I still don't believe it.

Look at this column called Dear Robbie.

This is her letter.

I know she wrote it because she told me.

Henry, this just doesn't make any sense.

It makes as much sense as anything else that girl does.

She hasn't been the same since she put on
her first pair of nylons.

Well, I just thought you might be interested.

See you.

I want to marry him right away,
but my parents don't approve.

Should we?

Hey, hello.

Mr. Baker, look, coming up to your door.

It's Douglas, all right.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Douglas, thank you for the loveliest hour of my whole life.

Joanie, you go right to your room and stay there.

Dad.

I'll talk to you later.

Bye-bye.

Goodbye, Joanie.

Now.

Well, I have to be running along, too.

Bye, Mr. Baker.

Bye, Mr. Douglas.

Goodbye.

You elope with my daughter, and I'll have it annulled
if I have to take it all the way to the Supreme Court.

You think that I'm... Yes, I think that you are.

Mr. Baker, I'm not the older man.

You look old enough to me.

All I'm trying to say is that I found out
that your daughter is bewildered.

Yeah.

And so I made an appointment to meet her
at the mall shop and have a talk with her.

And, well, I think I've talked her out of eloping.

You talked her out of it?

Well, it's the least I can do.

You see, well, in a way, I feel partly
responsible for this whole thing because

my son is the one who advised your daughter
to elope with this older man, whoever he is.

Your son is Robbie?

Of dear Robbie.

Oh.

Well, I guess I made a little mistake.

Sorry.

That's all right, Mr. Baker.

Joanie is my only daughter, and she is a
little bit of a kook, but I like her.

I don't blame you.

She's a very nice little girl.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I'll just go
upstairs and cut off her allowance.

Goodbye.

Goodbye, Mr. Baker.

Goodbye.

Hi, I'm looking for Robbie Douglas.

Yeah, that's me.

Oh, well, I'm Joanie Baker.

Oh, sure, bewildered.

Well, yes, that was before I met your father.

Yeah, Dad told me that he talked you out of eloping.

Yes, your father could talk me out of anything.

He has the dreamiest eyes and the way he talks.

And he has a way of looking at you that
makes a girl feel like a girl.

Are you talking about my dad?

Oh, yeah, he really sends me.

My dad?

Have you ever noticed the way his little
green eyes crinkle when he smiles?

Well, who goes around noticing their dad's
green eyes crinkling?

Is he going steady with anybody?

No, not that I know of.

Oh.

Well.

Good.

Thanks.

My dad?

Well,

good morning, Joanie.

What are you doing here?

Waiting for you.

Waiting for me?

I've been here since seven this morning.

I couldn't sleep all night.

Well, that's too bad.

I rise from dreams of thee in the first
sweet sleep of night.

Winds are breathing low and stars shine bright.

First it be Shelly.

Oh, that's very beautiful, Joanie.

Look, it's getting late.

Don't you think you'd better be getting to school?

Yeah, well, I thought you might drive me.

I found the way to the office.

How did you know that?

Oh, I followed you on my bicycle yesterday.

It was raining.

Yesterday.

I was soggy, but I was happy.

TV.

Joanie, I think maybe... Yes, I do.

We should be going.

Well, I didn't...

Joanie, just a minute.

There's a Mr. Carter.

Who insists he must see you... Mr. Douglas,
you don't know me, but I have to talk to you.

My name is John Carter.

How are you, Mr. Carter?

I'd rather not shake hands with you, Mr. Douglas.

I may get to like you.

Forget I can't stand you.

What?

It's all right, Miss Foster.

It is?

I guess you're wondering who I am.

Yes, I am.

Well, I'm the guy that was supposed to elope
with Joanie until you stepped into the picture.

You mean you're the, uh, older man?

Yes, I'm 19.

Well, I'm 19.

I say you, uh, carry your years very well.

Oh, please, Mr. Douglas, give her up.

Well, Mr. Carter, uh, Joan is a very
difficult girl to, uh, give up.

Yeah, but you got it, Mr. Douglas.

My life hasn't been the same without her.

I'm just not used to being without Joanie.

I can't compete with you, Mr. Douglas.

You got a big job here.

You wear nice clothes.

You own a big house.

And on top of that, that your little green
eyes crinkle when you smile.

They do?

I mean, uh, she said that.

Yeah.

Well, Mr. Carter, I'll be frank with you.

Joanie has come to mean a great deal to me.

If she goes out of my life, part of me goes with her.

But I will consider giving her up on one condition.

You will?

Yes, I can tell you love her very much.

So I'll give her up if you make me a promise.

Oh, anything, Mr. Douglas.

Just name it.

I want you to promise me that you won't
marry Joanie without her parents' consent.

Oh, it's a deal.

Shake.

Good.

Now, I'll need your help and understanding.

First, I must make a date with Joanie.

A date?

Yes, our first date.

And I'm pretty sure it'll be our last one.

Well, Joanie, you look lovely tonight.

Oh, thank you, Stevie.

Rafty here.

I think maybe we'd better move away from the door.

But this is our booth.

I know, I know.

But at my age, I can't be too careful.

Well, I think we'd better move.

I think this will be better, hmm?

You know, it's funny, but I still feel a draft.

Really?

That is funny.

Oh, that's where it's coming from.

Pardon me, young lady, would you mind
dancing away from our table?

You're creating quite a breeze.

Well, the blood grows thin as you reach September.

Hi, Joanie.

What do you and your father have?

He's not my father.

He's my date.

Oh, sorry.

Well, let's see.

I'll have a hot dog with everything on it,
hot fudge sundae, and a pop.

A hot dog with everything on it?

Oh, you're so lucky.

I have a very sensitive stomach.

I don't see a thing on here that I could digest.

I'll have a glass of warm goat's milk, please.

You've got to be kidding.

Oh, you ought to.

Well, just a glass of warm skin milk will do.

I have to be careful of my cholesterol count.

You know?

Yes, I know.

Oh, just a minute.

Would you, uh, would you mind refilling this, please?

This is cool.

It's always scary how water is bottling
around with you like that.

Oh, no, just in the winter.

Winter seems to be a bad time for some of
us senior citizens.

Well, gee, I like summer better myself.

You can surf and swim and lie in the sun.

Oh, I can't take the sun at all.

It seems to build up the histamine in my
body and it affects my sinus.

I just have a terrible time, particularly at night.

At night, when I sleep, I snort.

You snort.

Of course, that's just in the summertime.

In the wintertime, sun or no sun,
I just have a terrible time at night.

My nose seems to, well, I just can't breathe at all.

Just thinking about it seems to clog me up.

You take pills?

Yes, well, this is an antihistamine pill.

This blue one is so I can digest my milk.

This red one is for the hives.

What gives you hives?

This blue one.

Well, Joanie, would you care to dance?

You sure you want to?

Oh, yes, yes, of course.

Maybe just one chorus.

Take my coat off.

I don't want to get overheated.

You can watch the rock, I think.

Oh, Stevie, couldn't you twist?

Twist?

Oh, no, I've never twisted in my life.

Oh, well, listen, just watch me.

It's easy.

Well.

Come on.

Oh, that's great.

I think I've got it.

That's great.

Oh, dear.

Oh, no.

What is it?

It's my sacroiliac.

It seems to go out every now and then.

Well, can I help you, sir?

Yes, please, young man.

Would you help me back to my chair, please?

Oh, thank you.

Oh, just take it easy.

Here we go.

Fine.

Thank you.

Hot water bottle, sir.

Oh, just in time.

Would you put that right on my lower back?

I'm difficult, I think.

Just right there.

Does he have a pill for that?

Oh, gently.

Yes, I do have a pill for it.

It's the peat when I'm here.

Young man, would you finish this?

Would you dance with my date, please?

Oh, no, I just couldn't.

Oh, I'd feel guilty if you didn't.

Now, now, please.

Well, how about it, Joanie?

You want to dance with me?

Oh, you know I do.

It's all right.

Oh, it's the rightest thing in the world.

Well, okay.

Okay.

Would you, uh... Would you bring
me this rainbow delight, the one

with the chocolate, vanilla,
strawberry, and pistachio ice cream?

Strawberry.

And maybe a few nuts on the top.

What about your skin milk?

Oh, you can skip that.

Maybe a couple of cherries, too.

Look,

up in the sky, it's a bird, it's a plane,
it's not Superman.

It's My Favorite Martian.

Stay tuned for two episodes of My Favorite Martian.

During this twice as nice morning on TV Land.