04x07 - My Friend Ernie

[bunniefuu]

My Three Sons.

Well, I was going to ask you, is it okay
if Ernie comes over to spend the night?

Oh, you're a new pal, huh?

Yeah, he's kind of peculiar.

He follows me around all the time.

I think he'll say he's in English.

That kid ought to be horse-whipped.

Well, if you don't like him, why do you want him over here?

Well, he says kind of interesting junk sometimes.

Can he stay?

Well, if it's all right with his folks, yeah.

Go ahead and invite him.

Thanks, Bub.

All right.

It's okay, Ernie.

Come on.

Bub, this is Ernie Thompson.

Hi.

Hi.

Three men and eleven kids have died so far
fighting for this map.

Looks like some map you drew yourself.

That's what's so clever.

The purple crowd who robbed the bank made it
look like a kid drew it, in case anybody found it.

Yeah?

Well, how come it's drawn on that kind of
paper we have at school?

The purple crowd thinks of everything.

I drew a map of these woods a long time
ago when I was a kid, too.

I'll show you.

See?

So what does that prove?

I don't see any X where they buried the money.

Well, just because there's an X on yours
doesn't mean there's any money there, either.

Just about two million dollars, that's all.

Two million dollars?

That's how much was stolen, wasn't it?

Don't you read the papers?

Well, sure.

I think we'd better go out to the woods
right now, before somebody else figures it out.

I don't know.

I'll give you 40%.



Well, 40% of nothing is nothing.

Wouldn't you like to be the only kid on the
block with a whole bunch of hundred dollar bills?

Sure.

You coming?

Well.

Well, we better start right now,
because when it gets real dark,

you can't tell which side of the trees the
moss is growing on.

What's moss got to do with it?

When you're in the forest, the moss always grows on
the north side of the trees, so you know where you are.

And I ain't feeling for moss in the dark.

You coming?

Not really, but I guess tr*mp could use a
walk in the forest.

Let's take a flashlight.

Come on, tr*mp, let's go.

Hi, Bub.

Hi.

Oh, a big lodge meeting tonight?

Well, I'm going to be installed high
potentate of the northern lights, that's all.

Good, great.

Congratulations.

What is that, president?

No, sergeant at arms.

President is the imperial most fabulous potentate.

Oh, cool.

Let me help you.

What's this on?

Oh, Bub, is it okay if Sally comes over for dinner?

She's going to type out my psych notes for me.

You mean that poor girl, after doing her work
all day, has to come over here and do yours?

Well, just until she drops from exhaustion.

Well, see that everybody's on time for
dinner, because I'm not waiting.

All right, Bub.

Okay, Bub.

All right.

We pay $4.

We're taking pieces from the people's
bones, and then we go due north.

North people's bones?

I don't know the names or anything.

There's some people who got k*lled.

They had the plague or something.

Anyway, this is where the bones are.

And please see that Chip and Ernie wash
themselves for dinner.

And don't make a pig out of yourself in front of Sally.

I won't.

Well, thanks for pressing the dinner jacket, Bub.

Oh, that's all right.

Mmm, pot roast, huh?

Yeah, you're going to miss a good dinner.

Hey, who's the monitor?

You're taking out.

Oh, you're taking out a model, Dad?

I am.

Her name is Valerie Hobbs, who,
incidentally, has just been chosen Miss.

Slipstream by the Aeronautical Engineers of America.

Miss Slipstream.

Sounds turbulent.

Yes, and they tell me she is mature enough
for me, but still is turbulent.

Keep that out.

Where are you having dinner?

I've met reservations at the Royal Horse.

Pretty fancy.

Yeah.

Where's Chipper?

Oh, he and another lad are out on a hike.

They'll be home any minute.

Well, say goodnight to him for me, huh?

See you later.

Uh, Dad?

Yeah?

Why don't you ask her if she has any
little sister models running around the

house that might like to go out with a guy
that's practically old enough to grow a mustache?

I'll do that, Rob.

Goodnight.

Night.

I'll burn their britches when they get home.

Are you talking about Chip and Ernie, Bub?

Well, I'm not talking about Weber and Fields.

I didn't want to say anything in front of
your dad, but they're 20 minutes overdue now.

It's all right, Bub.

They'll be safe in those woods.

How do you figure that?

Yeah, they've got tr*mp with them.

Boy, this sure is a dumb time to do that.

Oh, yeah?

Well, how does he know you got us lost
with the stupid map you drew yourself?

It's not my fault it got so dark.

Hey, he's digging up one of the people's bones.

He's not.

He probably buried that there himself once.

You know what you got, Chip?

You got a dog that's a people eater.

It's almost seven, Robbie.

I think you better go look for them.

All right, Bub.

Bub, quit worrying, will you?

Kids are always late to everything because
they have no sense of time.

Do you remember that time I stayed on the roller coaster
for 20 rides and you had them dragging the lake for me?

That was a magnificent experience.

Now, get going.

Now, Bub, don't do anything dumb like
calling the police or anything, all right?

What's dumb about calling the police?

Because when you find out you called them
for nothing, that makes you feel sort of stupid.

Thanks, Socrates.

Can't that goofy dog walk and carry the
bone at the same time?

If you think he's goofy, how come you're
hanging around just to be near him?

I'm not hanging around just to be near him.

I hate him.

Yeah?

Well, I'd rather have him than your nothing map.

All right, you find your way home with
your dumb dog, and I'll take my map.

Okay, go ahead.

Okay.

Wait a minute.

What about the flashlight?

What do you mean?

It's my flashlight.

Why am I supposed to read my map in the dark?

Go and fill the trees for Moss or something.

Okay, I will.

Hey, Ernie, come here.

Here.

Don't worry, Chip.

I'll tell him you're lost.

Yeah?

When I get home, I'll send tr*mp back to find you.

Come on, tr*mp.

Let's go.

tr*mp.

tr*mp, let's go.

tr*mp, will you go?

Ernie!

Chip!

Chip!

You're glad I'm not that dumb kid anymore.

tr*mp!

Wolves!

They come from over there.

Come on, tr*mp, let's get out of here.

Well, all I can say is we engineers have very good taste.

Why, thank you, sir.

How long have you lived in Bryant Park, Valerie?

Oh, let's see, now, about seven months.

Oh, you're just a newcomer.

Mm-hmm.

How about you?

Oh, I've been here a few years.

The boys started school here, and Mike, the
oldest boy, is, uh, well, he's a junior in college.

Oh, really?

Telephone for you, sir.

Oh, thank you.

Well, I wonder who's calling me here.

Hello.

Hi, Steve.

How you getting along with that Miss Oil
Pressure or whatever her name is?

Oh, fine, Bub.

Uh, the boy's grandfather.

Well, if she's anything like that Miss
Punxsutawney I went with in 1921,

you've got an evening ahead of you that
will... Look, uh, Bub, why did you call me?

Well, I called you to tell you that that
fat-headed son of yours is out in the woods.

He's still out in the woods?

What do you mean he's still out in the woods?

Woods, like in forest.

He went there with that Ernie kid,
and they're not home yet.

They're not home yet?

Bub, tell him about the map we found.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

We found a map in his room that had a lot
of stuff on it about a swamp and crocodiles.

Bub, let me talk to him.

Dad?

Yes, Mike?

Well, listen, it's nothing to get excited
about, but I thought you ought to know.

I found this map right out in the open on
Chip's bed, and from the looks of it,

he and this Ernie and tr*mp probably went
treasure hunting or something.

Look, Mike, where do you think they might be?

Well, according to the map, they should be somewhere
around where the new highway cuts through the Bryant Woods.

Good.

We sent Rob out to look for them.

If he doesn't get back soon, I'll go.

Well, look, don't everybody leave now.

Somebody ought to be there when the boys get home.

Well, okay.

Sally and I will stay here.

If Rob doesn't get back soon, Bub will go.

Give me the phone.

Oh, here's Bub.

Look, Steve, this is nothing to go up in flames about.

Just relax.

Okay, Bob.

But if the boys don't get there pretty
quick, you call me back.

Okay, so long.

All that guy does is worry.

Where are you going?

I'm going out and find Chip.

It wasn't so long ago there were bears in that forest.

Bears?

Bub, it's been 30 years since anybody's
seen a bear in Bryant Woods.

Yeah?

Well, one of them might have over-hibernated.

Hi.

Boy, were you ever scared.

I was not scared.

Looks like your silly old dog still can't
find his way out of a paper bag.

Yeah, well, your dumb map's dumber than tr*mp.

Who needs it?

So long.

So long.

If you're scared and want to stick around,
it's okay with me.

I never get scared.

It's just that you and tr*mp will be lost without me.

I got a job.

I got a job.

I guess I'm what you might call a freelance engineer.

I mean, I don't work for any one company.

Steve, why don't you go?

Go where?

To the woods.

You've been there for the last 20 minutes anyway.

Yeah, I guess I have, Valerie.

Look, I hate to do this, but if
you don't mind, I... Let's go.

Well, I don't want you to get mixed up in this.

Don't be silly.

I'm the type who can't put out a book till
the story's finished.

Yeah, but...

All right.

All right, waiter.

Boy, we ought to give tr*mp a medal.

He practically saved our lives.

Yeah, it's a good thing I figured out how
he always points with the other end.

What's the matter?

I could have sworn I heard Chip's voice.

Chip?

Nobody home.

Boy, I lost all night and nobody even cared.

Nothing to eat, either.

I'm too tired to eat.

Mom, we can take the cookies out.

Come on in, Mike.

You've got them on your mind so much,
you probably just imagined it.

Yeah, maybe so.

I think I better call Ernie's folks.

What's his last name?

Thompson.

Chipper!

Oh, look out.

There.

You got me.

Chipper!

Oh, I got a barbed wire fence.

There's a gate someplace.

Look, Valerie, why don't you go back to the car?

You're really not dressed for this.

Well, neither are you.

Well... Come on, we've got to find those boys.

Well, hold up this top wire here.

Careful of your fingers.

Now, that barbed wire.

Now, okay.

Now, Valerie, really, you ought to go back
to the car, honestly.

You're never going to get through.

Well, now, wait, wait just a minute.

All right.

Get your hair done.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You see, you've caught your hair.

You've caught your hair.

Wait a minute.

Hold still.

Hold still.

I don't look it, Steve.

Well, now, don't cut this hair.

Back up.

Back, back, back.

There.

Oh, you... Here, now, your beads are all loose.

Never mind.

It's all right.

It's all right.

Valerie.

Just lift up that bottom wire.

Well, all right.

Sit down.

Sit down.

Oh, oh, oh, not yet.

Pardon me.

There you are.

All right.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

There.

There goes the dress.

And there goes the coat.

Are you hurt?

No, no, it's all right.

Chipper!

Ernie!

Chip!

You're just ruining your...

Chip!

Chip!

Hey!

Oh, it's solid, all right.

Yeah, we... Hey, we can cross here.

You'd better take your shoes off.

Get out of here.

All right, you slippery.

Chipper!

Now, be careful.

Here.

Let me take your hand.

There we are.

Here.

Now, can I give you a hand?

Thank you.

Here.

Well, it's good you took your shoes off.

Here.

Valerie,

this is ridiculous.

If we can find our way out of here, we'd better
do what we should have done in the first place.

Call the police.

All they do is come out here, and we're here already.

Yeah, but...

Chipp!

Ernie!

Ernie!

That sounds like tr*mp.

All right.

Now, that doesn't sound like tr*mp.

Well, officers, you know it's a funny thing.

I was just saying to Miss Hobbs that we
ought to call the police.

Come on, then.

No, no, no, just a minute.

Just a minute.

I'm Mr. Douglas, and this is Miss Hobbs.

She's just been elected Miss Slip Street.

Miss Slip Street.

Miss Slip Street?

Yes, that's right.

She's a model, you see.

A model of what?

Good question, officer, but there's a
perfectly reasonable explanation.

That's right.

You see, my son Chip and a friend of his
came out in the woods today.

The woods is full of them.

Officer,

this is my son Robbie.

Robbie, this is Miss Hobbs, the girl I was
telling you about.

Really, Dad?

It's hard to believe, Robbie, but I really am.

Now, fellas, like I was saying before, my son
Chip and a friend of his came out in the woods.

All right, Bubbles, get ready to...

I'm Mrs. Thompson.

I'm Mike Douglas.

Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Thompson, this is Sally Morrison.

How do you do?

I'm so glad you called.

Any news of the boys?

No, the police are checking with the station right now.

Don't worry, Mrs. Thompson, the police will find them.

Every time we turn around, that little
Ernie gets into trouble.

Wait till I get my hands on this.

Jeffrey, let's find out what the police have to say.

Yeah, right, Sarge.

What happened?

I'll explain it all later.

Okay, Sarge, call the family here if anything develops.

What did he say?

Well, we got half the police force
searching the woods, and they picked up

two people who seemed to know something about the case.

My baby.

My poor baby.

Oh, just a minute, mister, just a minute.

I'm Mr. Douglas.

I live here.

Oh.

Are the boys home?

Not yet.

Oh.

Well, the fellas in squad car 11 want me to tell you
the captain wants you to go back on patrol right away.

Oh, thank you very much.

Sir, come on, Valerie.

No word on the boys at all?

No, Dad.

Um, Dad, this is Mr. and Mrs. Thompson.

How do you do, Mr. Douglas?

How do you do?

This is Miss Hobbs.

How do you do?

Hi.

She's a model.

We, uh, had a little trouble with the swamp.

Yes, we were out in the woods looking for
the boys, and we fell in.

Robbie, show the lady where there's some soap and water.

It's not up this way.

And, uh, give her one of my robes, will you, Rob?

Okay.

Thank you.

You could use a little yourself.

I know, Bub.

I know you're as worried about the
boys as I am, Mrs. Thompson, Mr.

Thompson, but, uh, well, I guess there's
really nothing we can do except wait.

Yes, I suppose so.

I'm sure the, uh, police will find them, all right?

You know, this is even worse than the time the little
demon tried to make it to the moon on a skate coaster.

It, it's just that Ernest has such an active imagination.

He tried to write a book when he was four.

Tale of the Supernatural.

Hey, everybody.

Dad?

Uh, I think you can stop worrying now.

What do you mean, Rob?

Well, I, I just went into my room and,
and Chip and Ernie are there.

They're upstairs?

Yeah, they're in bed, sound asleep.

Demon.

Well, how in the heck did they get up?

Don't try and stop me, Mother.

There are times when a boy has to be disciplined.

Mr. Douglas, do something.

He'll strike the boy.

Mrs. Thompson, I think we could use a little more
spanking and a little less discussion around here.

Right up this way, Mr. Thompson.

Poor baby.

His ego is so easily bruised.

Lady, that's not where he's going to get spanked.

Right in here, Mr. Thompson.

Look at the two of them lying there as if nothing...

around,

feeling the truth from us.

I felt sorry for him and gave him my flashlight.

We've heard that story 20 times.

Now lay off, will you?

Well, I gotta admit, it was pretty scary.

Well, I guess you learned a lesson, didn't you, Chipper?

Yeah, being lost is worse than any old f*gg*t.

Who was it, Rob?

It wasn't me, Dad.

Special delivery.

Special delivery, huh?

Yeah.

What is it?

Well, it's a picture of a girl.

Well, let's see the latest high school heartthrob.

Well, now, wait a minute.

Listen.

Dear Robbie, I wanted you to see what I'd
look like without the mud.

I hope you and your father will consider me turbulent.

Valerie.

Look at him.

See that?

Pretty nice.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's a nice picture of her.

Oh, wow.

Shipper?

Uh-huh.

Well, anyway, Ernie went one way.

Me and tr*mp went the other way.

And he must have got scared of all this or something.

That's all right.

He bumped into us.

Oh.

Stay tuned for another episode of My Three Sons as
this twice as nice morning continues here on TV Land.

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