04x16 - Will Success Spoil Chip Douglas?

[bunniefuu]

My Three Sons.

Bub, I stopped by to pick up those
blueprints I was working on this morning.

Do you know where they are?

Right there in the dining room where you left them.

What's that?

Chip.

What's the matter with him?

He came home from school and just started
growling like he was trying to scare somebody.

Bub and I can't figure it out.

Well, let me sit there, will you, Bub?

Yes, all right.

No temperature.

No.

Eyes are a little glassy.

Yeah.

Stick out your tongue, will you, Chip?

Farther.

Farther.

It won't go out any further.

It's fastened in back.

Keep coming back.

That, uh, that hurt?

No.

No?

Well, let's see.

Raise your right.

Raise your right leg.

Oh.

Oh.

Way up.

Way up.

Oh.

Does that hurt?

No.

Raise the other one.

Way up.

Oh.

How about that?

No.

Now, lower them slowly to the floor and
sit up and answer a question for me.

I'll try.

Why don't you want to go to school tomorrow?

Well, chiefers, Dad, honest, I...
Just answer the question, Chip.

Why don't you want to go to school?

You mean you're really not sick?

Boy, what a little creep.

Yeah?

Well, how would you like to be Columbus?

Well, that's what I like.

Nice, sensible conversation.

Rob, why don't you go back to doing
whatever you were doing, hmm?

Now, what is this about Columbus, Chip?

Well, it's just this clunky play that
Millie Mae Peabody wrote.

And some of the kids in the class have to be in it.

Well, what's the matter with that?

There's nothing like being a trooper.

It's part of the O'Casey tradition.

I'd rather do a hundred book reports than
stay after school and clap around to the racers.

Chip, if your teacher picks you to be in
the play, you've got to do it.

It's part of your school activities.

Miss Andrews isn't going to pick us.

It's that clunky Millie Mae.

And I'll be the first one she picks.

Oh.

Well, why do you think you'll be the first one?

Because she's in love with me.

Well, I'm glad we raised him to be modest.

Chipper, why don't you talk this whole thing over with Bub?

He'll show you that being in a play can be a lot of fun.

Well, I've got to get out of the plant.

I'll see you, Bub.

Goodbye, Steve.

Now, Chip, come on in my room and I'll show you some of my
scrapbooks and fill you in on the O'Casey acting tradition.

Come on with me.

Chipper's Bub?

I'm not acting.

Of course you do.

Boy, you look great in that little death scene.

Great.

You really want to belong to equity.

That was sure neat how you figured out
that Chip wasn't sick.

Oh.

Well, Rob, I guess I have a couple of things going for me.

In the first place, I'm a little older
than you boys are, and I know how the

psychology works when you fellas are
trying to get out of something.

And in the second place, I just happened to run into
Chip's friend Ernie, and he told me about the whole thing.

As a matter of fact, he's a little afraid
of getting picked himself.

Well, does he pretend to be sick, too?

Oh, no, no, not yet, no.

No, but he expects an acute attack of
appendicitis before morning.

Oh, I see.

See you later, Dad.

On Billy May picture, you just hold your
head high and accept.

But check your billing first.

Okay, but I feel kind of creepy inside.

Every time I think about it.

Creepy inside?

Well, that's butterflies.

Butterflies?

Sure, butterflies.

One of the biggest actors in the world have had them.

Did you ever get butterflies?

Did I ever get butterflies?

Why, I've had helicopters.

But not when I played the old majestic in Chicago.

When they darken the lights and throw that old
spotlight out there, I'd jump out and sing my pet member.

Do you want to hear it?

Yeah.

Way down upon the... The Suwannee
River Far, far away How about that?

That's great, Bub.


had a trooper in the family.

Football players, hot rodders,
girl chasers, hot dog eaters.

And now, finally, you.

And now it's time to cast our class play.

This is to be your own production.

Written, produced, and acted by you.

It's entirely in your hands until dress rehearsal.

And then I'll come and check on what
you've done before the parents see it.

Millie Mae will be in charge.

Since Millie Mae is the writer of the
play, you must cooperate with her.

I want that thoroughly.

Understood.

I'll report all the bad ones, Miss Andrews.

Thank you, Millie Mae, but I'm sure they'll all cooperate.

She's lucky.

She gets to leave the room.

Well, I finished my play, and my mother made copies.

I know how anxious all of you are to be in it.

Anyway, you have to, because Miss Andrews said so.

Oh.

I already promised Joey he could be the guard.

And Charlie is the bugler.

Now we need someone for King Ferdinand.

Roger Johnson!

Oh, no!

And that'll play the title role.

The star part.

The one that discovers America.

Christopher Columbus.

She can't duck down so she doesn't see him.

Christopher should be very brave,
very handsome, and very smart.

Then I'm going to pick one of you anyway.

Chip, don't just sit there.

Duck!

Bub says nobody in our family's turned
down a part for 30 years.

It's our family tradition.

Christopher Columbus is... Chip Douglas!

Okay, Millie Mae.

Boy, he's been brainwashed.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I am Queen Isabella.

And I am King Ferdinand, King of Aragon,
Navarre, and Castle.

Castile.

Yeah, Castile.

And this is our palace.

As our play opens, we are sitting at our
home listening to the radio.

They didn't have television in those days.

And there's a knock at the door.

Chip, knock!

Yeah, come on and knock.

I feel like a creep out here.

Not ready yet.

Okay, knock when you're ready.

Ferdinand, there is someone at the door.

I wonder who it could be.

I don't know.

I will ask the guard to turn off the radio and find out.

Guard, turn off the radio and find out.

Oh, come.

You know it's Chip.

Joey, don't rewrite.

Just play your part.

Oh, yes, your majesty.

Boy.

What can we do for you, Mr. Columbus?

I want to see the queen so I can borrow
some money and find a new way to India.

Wait here.

I'll announce you.

I have an announcement.

Don't stand there, Charlie.

Blow the bugle.

They're going to play a record.

You can play it for now, Charlie.

Okay.

And now see Mr. Christopher Columbus.

Happy to make your acquaintance, Mr. Columbus.

Likewise, I'm sure, queen.

You're supposed to kiss my hand.

Hey, come on, Milly Mae.

I'm the queen and I wrote it.

And you better kiss my hand or I'll tell Miss
Anderson they'll throw your grandfather out of the PTA.

I'll go on and kiss it, Chip.

She probably washed it.

All right.

Now you can kiss my hand.

Hey, forget it, Roger.

Hey, come on, you guys.

Come here.

I'll tell you, you're going to look awful funny
kissing Millie Mae's hand and wearing that lady's hat.

Yeah, I know.

Only Bub's counting on me to be in that clunky play.

He gets pretty disappointed when people let him down.

So tell him you gave it a try and you stung.

Yeah, but we got a family tradition.

I don't know what to do.

You better think of something pretty soon
or you're going to have a terrible reputation.

Yeah.

So long, Ernie.

So long.

How do you like it?

Hi, Bub.

Hi.

How's the George M.

Cohan of the fifth grade?

Did you get it?

Get what?

The star part, of course.

Oh, yeah.

Millie Mae picked me to be Columbus.

I knew it.

Another star in the family.

You got it.

It's in the blood.

Bub, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

Look at that nose, that chin, that... You
got all the trademarks of the O 'Caseys.

Hey, by the way, where'd you get this?

In the attic.

It's a great prop.

Yeah?

Well, what's it for?

Well, for Plan Columbus.

Well, your Uncle Linus used to swallow it.

One day, he nearly took out his tonsils.

By accident.

Boy, it's swell.

Yeah.

Well, we got a lot of work to do.

Now, get around here and sit down.

Now, you've got two things to learn.

First, personality.

Second, schmaltz.

How come?

Well, they're the road to Broadway.

Jeepers, Bub.

This is only a clunky school play.

But it's a start, which reminds me I've
got to call Ned Herbert.

Who's Ned Herbert?

He's the drama critic for the Bryant Park shopper.

Where's your script?

Oh, right here.

Now remember, all you need is personality and schmaltz.

Now go ahead.

Some people say the earth is flat.

Some people say the earth is square.

But I, your majesty, say the earth is round.

I say it's flat.

The earth?

No.

The way you read, Chip, it means nothing.

When you tell me the earth is flat, let me know it.

Flat!

Flat!

No, no, no.

More punch.

Now give me a picture.

Flat!

Good.

Now go ahead.

Some people say the earth is flat.

And some people say the earth is square.

But I, I, your majesty, say the earth is round.

Round!

Round!

Chip.

Chip, are you all right?

I'm sure.

I'm just kidding.

I see that's what Millie Mae said it was.

I didn't quite understand her.

Go ahead.

Now we'll do our big jewelry scene, Miss Andrews.

Places, everybody.

Your majesty, your majesty.

I ask you to give me your jewels.

Those great, big, beautiful jewels.

Stick to the script.

But why, Mr. Columbus?

So I can sail across the sea.

And find a new way to good old India.

What will you do with my beautiful jewels?

I will buy three ships.

Not one, not two, but three.

Count them.

The Nina and the Pita and the Santa Maria.

How about that?

If I give my jewels to you, will you
promise to take good care of them?

They are genuine.

I will guard them with my life.

I promised you I had my jewels.

Boy, Chip, what are you doing?

What are you doing now?

Guarding your jewels with my life.

Quit padding the park.

Play it like I wrote it.

Okay, but you're losing a great bit of business.

Say what I mean, Miss Andrews.

Yes, Millie Mae.

Chip, will you remain, please?

Uh, class dismissed.

You want me to stay after school because a
goof didn't really take or something?

Chip, it's about your part in the play.

Oh, you like the way I'm doing it?

Well, for some reason, the, uh, role of
Columbus doesn't seem to suit your style of acting.

No kidding.

I mean, maybe it would be better if we found someone
else for Columbus and gave you a more suitable part.

Yeah.

Okay.

And.

Likewise for you.

Ferdinand, you've had a tough day, old boy.

And here's the start of our show.

Places, everybody.

Hello, Mr. Douglas.

Hi, Bub.

We have a little time to rehearse before dinner.

Now, how do you like the set?

It's great.

Well, I'll get your props.

We'll go to work.

Bub?

Yeah?

I'm not in the play anymore.

You're not in the play anymore?

Well, I just didn't want to be in it.

Kiss that clunky Millie Mae's hand.

She probably never even washes it anymore.

So I quit.

Quit?

This is kind of sudden, isn't it?

It's just that I got a lot of homework and school
projects and my rock collection and other stuff.

Yeah, homework, rock collection, other stuff.

That's all pretty important right now.

I can always be in a play next year, can't I?

Sure you can always be in a play next year, can't you?

We got an hour before dinner, Chip.

Go on out and play.

You're not sore, are you, Bub?

About a kid's play?

Are you kidding?

Take a hike.

Say, if you need an extra guard or a
bugler for rehearsal tonight, I'm available.

There'll be no more rehearsals.

Show is closed.

The star quit.

Chip?

Yeah.

He's too busy with his drugs.

He's too busy with his stock collections and his homework.

He gave up a whole career for that pile of dirty boulders.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Who cares?

Is Chip up in his room?

Yes, he's up there.

Chip?

Yeah, come in.

Chip, uh, Bub tells me you quit the play.

That's right.

He feels pretty bad about it.

Yeah, I know.

He wanted me to be a star like him.

Tell me, uh, why did you quit, Chip?

Well, I didn't exactly quit.

I was kicked out.

You were kicked out?

Why?

I thought I was pretty good.

I even gave a schmaltz and everything like Bub showed me.

You did?

Only Millie Mae had the teacher watch me.

Well, she didn't like my style, so she kicked me out.

Well, why didn't you tell this to Bub?

Well, I didn't want to tell him.

I didn't want to disappoint him.

You see, he thinks I've got acting in my blood like him.

Oh.

Well, Chipper, I want you to go down and talk to Bub.

Tell him what happened.

Tell him the truth.

I think he'll feel better about it.

Okay.

Could I talk to you like one performer to another?

Yeah.

Well, I didn't exactly walk out on that
play this afternoon.

I was kicked out because I wasn't any good.

Kicked out?

Since when is a fifth grade teacher a critic?

Gee, I don't know.

Well, they gave me some dinky part.

Well, with our family's acting blood and
everything, I just couldn't tell you.

Now, listen to me.

I was kicked out of Macbeth once.

The part was ridiculous.

There wasn't a laugh in it.

Better call that newspaper guy and tell him not to come.

Well, you're still in the play, aren't you?

Yeah, but what would Uncle Linus think
about me playing a bit?

Now, listen, Chipper.

There are no small parts, just small actors.

Yeah, probably nobody in the cast is over five feet.

Now, don't worry about a thing.

We'll figure out a style for you.

And Friday night, you'll steal the whole show.

Your Majesty announcing Mr. Christopher Columbus.

Let him enter.

Bill, is that your grandson?

No, no, my grandson comes on like gangbusters.

Is that Ernie under that hat, Bub?

Well, it's either Ernie or Ernie's mother.

Well, I must be off.

Goodbye, Columbus.

Be sure and wear your coat.

The sea gets very damp at night.

I will.

Goodbye, King.

Goodbye, Columbus, and good luck.

Goodbye, guards.

Pugilers, and everybody.

Goodbye, Columbus.

Goodbye, Columbus.

Don't forget to write.

Adios.

Do you really think he'll do it, Ferdinand?

Do you really think he'll find a way to India?

Yes, if he doesn't bump into America first.

I guess all we can do is wait and hope.

Yes, Columbus is coming back.

Well, it better be soon.

It's almost 9 O'clock.

Hey, Bub, when do we get to see Chip?

He'll be here.

He'll be here.

Quiet.

Shh.

Several days go by.

We are at the palace again.

Someone's at the door.

It must be Columbus.

It sounds like his knock.

So, let's find out who's at the door.

Yes, Your Majesty.

I'm now seeing Christopher Columbus.

I've done it, Your Majesty.

I've done it.

I've discovered America.

And it's real nice, especially Chicago.

Oh, Christopher, you're so wonderful.

And I did it the hard way, around the world.

Columbus, how did you know the world was
round when the map shows that it is square?

Guards, bring the map of the world.

We thought it was square because we were
looking at the box.

This is what the world really looks like.

I give you the world, Your Majesty.

Thank you, Christopher.

And I have another gift for you.

I want you guys to meet an American.

You want to see a performance?

Well, here it comes.

Announcing an American.

Here he is.

That's him.

Coming up later, we'll award you an Oscar
and a Tony in an Emmy-winning show.

The Odd Couple.

Catch back-to-back episodes starting at
noon, 9 Pacific, right here on TV Land,

the Rewatchability Network.