04x22 - House for Sale

[bunniefuu]

My Three Sons, starring Fred McMurray.

This is one of our lesser-known beaches
over on the far side of the island.

How about that surf?

Boy, it's really up.

Wow.

Sure beats our sprinkler system.

This next scene should interest you, Robbie.

Hey, look at that guy sh**t that girl.

Is that Makaha?

No, that's Makapu.

What's a Makapu?

It's one of the best beaches in Hawaii, Bub.

Whatever happened to Waikiki?

I mean, for surfing.

Waikiki's for squares with rubber rafts, Bub.

I wouldn't exactly say that, Robbie.

Take a look at these seats.

Oh, brother.

Hey, me.

Did they make those things with rocking chairs?

Boy, what a beautiful place.

Well push my hammock and call me Sweet Leilani.

Oh, I'd sure like to go there sometime.

You would, huh?

Who wouldn't?

Hey.

Thank you, Frank.

Well, it sounds like you fellas all like Hawaii, hm?

Oh, it's the greatest.

Oh, boy.

I'd sure like to hang ten over at Makapu.

Hang ten?

Yeah, hang ten, Bub.

That means you hang your ten toes over the
front end of a surfboard.

I see.

Well, I got a cousin with 12 toes.

What do you call that?

Hang a dozen?

Oh, boy.

Do you get to keep the coconuts or fall off the trees?

In most cases, yes.

You know, I'm very pleased with your reactions.

You see, we had a reason for showing you this film tonight.

Your dad will explain.

Well, fellas, I have a chance to go to
Hawaii for Mr. Gordon's company,

and I asked him to bring these films over
tonight to show you what it's like.

You mean we could go with you?

Us?

Of course, all of you.

Wow!

Hawaii.

Well, Dad, you didn't have to show us any film.

No.

I mean, who wouldn't want to go to Hawaii?

Right.

Now, wait a minute.

I want to be absolutely fair about this.

What you saw on the screen there isn't, uh,
well, what I mean is that it's not entirely a paradise.

I mean, people do work there.

They have traffic problems in certain
places, and occasionally it rains, and.

...

Sure, we know.

Now, Steve, you just sold us.

Don't try to unsell us.

Well, Frank, I guess you were right.

I didn't think they'd want to go.

Oh, wow!

Woo!

Here we go!

Here we go!

Hey, we can go in together on Wednesday.

Yeah.

Hey, you guys, I have $2 in the bank.

Dad.

You can use it on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.

Dad, when do we leave?

Well, I have a few things to take care of here first.

We leave as soon as we sell the house.

But if you don't want to move,
why don't you just tell your father?

Honey, I couldn't hurt him.

He had a smile on his face.

He could drive a truck through.

But what about us?

We'll be separated.

I know.

I know.

I know.

But it'll only be for a little while.

I mean, I'll come back when I finish school there.

That's a whole year.

Well, we can talk to each other on the phone.

I'll call every week.

From Hawaii?

Every month.

Do you know how much that would cost?

Well, right.

Boy, what a creepy looking sign.

No, it isn't.

I spelled everything OK.

Sure.

Oh, and you want a bunch of dumb people
with maybe a bunch of girls coming to

stare at your bed and look at your socks and everything?

Heck no.

Well, what are you going to do with tr*mp?

We're going to take him with us.

Yeah, and how about if they have a bunch
of different kind of cats over there?

And suppose tr*mp catches one,
and they're poison, and tr*mp croaks?

Boy, Ernie, I'd feel terrible enough
without you saying all those goofy things.

Well, how come you don't stay here?

I already told you.

Yeah, it must be awful to have a sensitive foe.

What happens to us?

I thought we were going steady.

Well, we are, Anna.

But I've got to go where my dad goes.

You're going to miss a female weirdo?

I sure am.

You're the only girl I know that takes
lessons on a piano she built herself.

I only rebuild them.

Oh, Robbie, please don't call.

I know.

I've got to.

There's a law that says kids have to go with their parents.

We just found each other.

You're the only boy I ever met that knew the
difference between a wood lathe and a drill press.

You know about pressure points and how to use epoxy glue,
and you're not going to find any of those things in Hawaii.

I don't really want to go.

You don't?

Of course not.

But I can't let my dad down.

Yeah.

Do you mind if I give you a going away present?

Why heck no.

What is it?

Oh I don't know.

I haven't built it yet.

Stupid thing I ever heard.

What is, Ann?

What's what?

The most stupid thing you ever heard of.

What you think?

Can't a guy just talk to himself without
having everybody listen in?

Bob, I want you to tell me something truthfully.

Truthfully?

I just came in here to get a couple of
suitcases and all of a sudden I'm a liar.

No, no, I want you to tell me if I'm right about one thing.

Do I detect a certain lack of eagerness
around here about going to Hawaii?

Or is it just my imagination?

It's just your imagination.

You all really want to go then, huh?

Of course we all really want to go, unless
you've changed your mind, have you?

Oh, no, no, of course I haven't changed my mind.

Well, that settles it.

Good night.

You want me to give you a hand with those?

No, thanks.

Oh, Bob.

Yeah?

The lady from the real estate office is
coming by tomorrow with some people.

I won't be able to be here, but maybe you
could show them around, huh?

But I'll be down at the lodge hall.

Oh, well, I just thought you might like to
see the kind of people that move in here.

After all, we have lived here a long time.

What's the difference who moves in here?

A house is just a house.

Good night.

Good night, bud.

Ah, a house is just a house.

Is something wrong, Dad?

No, no, nothing's wrong, Chip.

It's just that, uh...

Well, I thought we ought to have a little talk.

About?

Well, uh...

About, uh...

About life.

About living, actually.

The cycle of life, I believe they call it.

Well, heck, I know all about that.

You do?

Yeah.

After the egg hatches, it's a pollywop.

And pretty soon, some legs grow out,
and then the tail falls off, and it's a frog.

Yes, that's right, Chip.

But I'm afraid there's a little more to life than that.

Yeah, but we don't get to study about
jellyfish and sharks till next semester.

All right, let's, uh, try it this way.

Let's start by saying that getting married
is the beginning of the life cycle.

So?

Why?

Well, because we have to start somewhere.

Oh, Hank, I forgot to brush my teeth.

Well, look, Chip, you can forget your
teeth, will you, please?

Now, suppose I got married again,
and you had a little brother or a little sister.

That would be the beginning of the life cycle.

Now, do you understand what I'm trying to say to you?

Dad, can I ask you something?

Of course you may, Chip.

And I'll try to answer it as factually and
impersonally as I can.

Well, don't forget to tell Bub about it.

It's okay not brushing my teeth,
because he gets real sore when I don't.

Oh, yes, it is.

Well, I'm sorry I burned him a little,
but the fire was too hot.

Glad you liked the sauce.

Well, Chip, where's tr*mp?

Underneath the table.

Oh.

Hey, how come you're sitting out here all alone?

Chip's helping a real estate woman show
the house to some people.

What'd you get this earth for?

I made it.

Isn't that kind of dumb for a girl to make junk?

Well, no more than for a man to cook.

It's a going-away present for Robbie.

You want him to go away?

Well, of course not.

There's nothing much I can do about it.

Yeah.

Hey, maybe they won't be able to sell the
house or something.

No, I don't see why not.

It's a nice house.

Yeah.

Oh, hi, kids.

Hi.

You live here?

No, sir.

I'm a friend of one of the boys.

He's a friend, too.

Oh.

Well, you'll soon be having new friends to play with.

I have four children.

Boys?

No, four lovely girls.

Yeah.

I beg your pardon?

He sneezed, I think.

Are you going to buy the house here?

Looks like it.

Gesundheit.

That's about right for us.

You come on over and meet the girls when we're settled.

Hey, mister.

Yes?

Are you going to move right in, or
are you going to wait until they fix it up?

Oh, we'll probably move right in as soon
as they get what fixed up.

Oh, just a couple of things.

What couple of things?

Well, you see that chimney and that lightning rod up there?

Oh, is that all?

It shouldn't be expensive to fix up those two things.

Those are the only two things that don't need fixing.

The rest of the house is real terrible.

No, no, no.

Then talk.

Then talk.

You, you're pulling my leg.

This house is in perfect condition, isn't it?

Maybe I shouldn't talk about it.

That's all right.

Talk.

Talk.

They got termites or something?

No.

I was here when the termite man came,
and he said there wasn't any sign of them.

Hmm.

That's a relief.

It was a dry rot that he was worried about.

Dry rot?

Yeah, and the rats.

Hey, Thompson.

Maybe they weren't rats.

Maybe they were just big mice.

Jane, please come inside and bring your checkbook.

Maybe I shouldn't have said all that stuff.

They have to sell the house.

And I don't want to keep you from buying
it, regardless of the roof.

Oh?

In a minute, Ethel.

You're doing just fine, son.

Nothing will keep me from buying this house.

Now, what about the roof?

It's real neat.

It only leaks in the attic.

Ethel, don't sign anything.

Oh, boy, how could you say things like that?

It was hard at first.

But after it got started, it was real easy.

I wish you'd explain.

I will at home.

Thank you very much, Miss Evans.

But I don't understand.

I mean, if there's something... Don't call us.

We'll call you.

You're lucky nothing happened to you.

I don't understand it.

Oh, boy, Ernie, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

You really ought to.

Yeah.

Only Chip isn't going to Hawaii yet, and neither is Robbie.

Well, just the same.

Hey.

They aren't, are they?

And Robbie doesn't really want to go.

What a brain.

I just can't understand it, Miss Evans.

You went over the house with me when you got the listing.

It's a good house, isn't it?

It's in good shape.

Is the price all right?

Yes.

Well, then what's wrong?

I don't know, but it's happened five times
this week, Mr. Douglas.

They seem to love this house.

Then suddenly something happens to make
them change their minds.

Well, it's very discouraging.

They can't very well go to Hawaii with
this house hanging over us.

Oh, I'm showing it to another couple tomorrow at four
O'clock, and I believe they're the best prospects we've had.

Four O'clock?

Well, the rest of the family will be at the
dentist, and I guess I'll have to be here myself.

Good.

You can answer questions about the construction.

Yeah.

Why don't I meet you at your office about quarter to four?

Fine.

And, Mr. Douglas, don't you worry.

I have a feeling tomorrow is the day we're
going to sell this house.

Oh, I hope you're right, Miss Evans.

All right all the time, Ernie.

And you'll have the neatest collection of
Hawaiian stamps in the whole school.

Yeah.

Boy, I just want you to know there's only
one reason I'd ever do a thing like this.

Yeah, well, if you don't do it,
Robbie's lover will disappear to Hawaii,

and you'll never see him again.

Yeah, that's the reason.

Bobo, he leaves the back door open.

Come on.

Come on.

Of course, it isn't a new house.

Well, as they say, they just don't build
them like this anymore.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Wonderful.

I hope I haven't just kicked the price up by
admitting it, but it's exactly what we're looking for.

Well, that's great.

Yes, it is on the outside, anyway.

I'm sure you'll like it on the inside, too, Mr. Parker.

It has just the number of bedrooms you want, and, uh...

Well, it's been a very comfortable house to live in.

And if I do say so myself, we've kept it up.

It's in fine repair.

Please, it went wrong.

We're fixed immediately, so the house is
in very good shape.

Darling, I've a hunch this is it.

I have so many keys here, I can't seem to
find the right key.

Maybe I should show them the outside of the house first.

Yes, that might be a good idea, Mrs. Evans.

No, no, no, wait a minute.

Here, I've got... There we are.

Come in, everybody.

Uh, Mrs. Evans, why don't you show them the living room?

It's right there on the left.

Isn't it lovely?

Oh, what a nice big room.

Oh, yeah.

Look at the fireplace, honey.

Is it practical, Douglas?

Oh, yes, it's very practical.

It draws very well.

It's such a cozy room.

Look at the big bay windows.

Uh, Mrs. Evans, why don't you show the folks upstairs?

Oh, yes.

Wouldn't you like to see the bedrooms?

Yes.

I'd like to see if there's enough closet space.

Come on, Ralph.

Sure, honey.

Uh-huh.

Very good.

Very good.

You, uh, you coming, Douglas?

Yes, yes.

I'll be right along.

I want to show you around.

Yes, you're right.

Look at the wood in that banister.

Yes.

They don't make them like that anymore, do they?

No, they certainly don't.

Uh,

Douglas, you coming up?

Yes, yes, yes.

I'll be right along.

Why don't you look around there?

I'll be up in just a minute.

Mr.

Douglas, they're practically sold.

Oh, good.

Mr. Douglas, what's the matter with that door?

I don't know.

Well, I like it, Douglas.

Florence, here's a bug on redecorating and
painting and whatnot, and I always say you

have to have something solid to start from.

And, boy, this house is solid.

Well, now would you like to see the kitchen?

You're right about one thing, Mr. Douglas.

They sure don't build houses like this anymore.

Come on, honey.

Good.

As new.

I promise.

Ina, I appreciate your coming back to
confess, but tell me, why did you do it?

Well, I didn't want Robbie to go to Hawaii.

Dad, she's kind of... gone on me.

Well, thanks for that modest praise.

Say, Ina, are you the one who touted all
the other people off the sale?

Oh, no, not all of them.

Oh, yes.

Yes, I did.

Now, wait a minute.

She's protecting someone.

Hey, look what I found lurking in the bushes.

Will you hear this?

Now, speak up, Jimmy Valentine.

I goofed up everything so Chip wouldn't
have to go to Hawaii, Mr. Douglas.

Ernie, it seems to me you and Ina went to an
awful lot of trouble to keep people from doing their job.

They're doing something they want to do.

Chip doesn't want to go, Mr. Douglas.

He doesn't?

And neither does Robbie.

Ernie!

Well, Bub... Maybe I better get some chow ready.

Now, wait a minute.

How do you feel about this?

About chow?

Would you know me, Steve?

I'm always hungry.

Mike, how about you?

Well, Dad, when you said something about going to
Hawaii, we all thought you meant for a trip, a vacation.

Oh.

Dad, we wouldn't want to live any other place but here.

You know something?

I don't either.

But I think it might be a good idea from now on if
we did a little more communicating around here.

Hello, Frank.

This is Steve.

Look, Frank, Frank, I'm not going to be
able to take that job in Hawaii.

Well, it's just one of those things.

I thought the family wanted to go,
and they thought I wanted to go, and so.

...

All right.

Who's the wise guy that booby-trapped my stove?

Oh, my gosh, Ernie, we forgot the stove.

Oh, it's so hot.

I would have said... Run, run, run.

Oh, the stove just blew up, Frank.

Well, I'll tell you all about it when I come in tomorrow.

Look, I might be in a little late.

I have a few things to do around here.

Yeah, bye.

Coming up later, we'll award you an Oscar and a
Tony in an Emmy-winning show, The Odd Couple.

Catch back-to-back episodes starting at
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