09x07 - Fonzie the Substitute

[bunniefuu]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend comes, my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can hold me when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and rolling all week long ♪

[organ solo plays over rhythmic hand claps]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are yours ♪

♪ And mine, Happy Days! ♪

Oh, you are my sunshine.

You are my sunshine.

Oh, my only sunshine.

You are my sunshine.

Oh, little girl, you made me.

Hi Coach Phillips.

Hi Jenny.

Coach, do you still drive a yellow T-Bird?

Yes.

Convertible with sexy velour seats?

Yes.

Wisconsin's license plate number 05832.

Jenny, get to the point.

Some guy's got it up on a hook ready to tow it away.

Oh, why did you say so?

Because I wanted to spend as much time
with you as I possibly could.

Hey, did somebody just run out of here?

Somebody ran out, he didn't pay his check.

Jones, have I got the scoop of the year?

Jefferson High will never be the same.

Everyone will be buzzing about it for years to come.

What, Jenny, what?

Do tell.

Yes, I hate when you do that.

You know that sex pod Noreen Qualls?

Father's a minister goes out with college boys?

Her father goes out with college boys?

Hachi.

Come on.

Well, anyway, Noreen is, how shall I put this tastefully?

Her body's about to open a branch office.

A branch office?

A branch office.

She's pregnant?

You got it.

Shh, don't say anything or she comes now.

Well, I know Reed.

Can you believe her?

She got her nerve?

Walking in here like Miss Curly Shirley Temple.

Why don't you cut it out, Jenny?

I mean, there's no way to be sure.

It's probably just gossip.

No, it's not just gossip.

It is.

When I was in the bathroom, Betty Butler
told me that she overheard Judy Haskell

tell a friend who had a friend in the
nurse's office last week that she

overheard Noreen in the next room through
the wall ask a counselor about

correspondence courses because she was
going to be sick next spring.

No, that's definitely not gossip.

Well, it's time for hygiene.

In class, your cousin's going to flunk me, and if I
don't get serious... You're going to flunk hygiene?

Don't bet on me.

I painted my toenails for my class
project, and I'm getting a B.

That's why you're Jenny Piccolo.

She paints her toenails and gets a B, and I get a 1.

All right, girls, relax, mingle.

At ease.

They don't understand civilian talk, you know.

Hey, Fonz, where'd you meet them?

Well, I was walking down the street.

I passed the army recruiting station, man.

They said, I want you.

I said, for the army?

They said, no.

Well, happy basic training.

Oh, yeah.

Tension!

Present arms.

Oh, yeah.

Lower your lips.

Back pedal, double time.

You're a real Budinsky, you know that?

I'm sorry, Fonz.

They towed my car.

Oh.

Now I have to go get it, and I have a
hygiene class to teach in a few minutes.

Yes, I will sub for you.

Oh, thanks, Fonz.

My lesson plan's on my desk.

I need that.

All right.

Here, thanks, Fonz.

Front and center.

Here we go.

Hands up.

Bow face.

Oh, this is going to be so great.

Hey, hey, everybody.

Everybody, listen up.

I'm about to lay some great news on you.

Everybody's up for it.

Great.

So, what will it be this time?

What are we going to do to the sub?

Look what I got.

Peanuts.

The teacher opens them up and everything goes flying.

Bobby, that's really juicy.

Very childish.

Hey, I got an idea.

Remember that test today?

We get rid of the lesson plan and we don't have to take it.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Now, wait a minute.

I've spent many a long hour studying for
this exam and I'm prepared to take it.

Pardon me.

I have a question.

Yes?

Who are you?

My name is Melvin Belvin.

Of the Milwaukee Belvins?

Yes.

Yes, do you happen to know my brother Eugene?

You're trying to tell me that there are two of you?

Yes, yes, and I'm back.

I was home for a year with an earache.

Let me give you a little friendly advice, okay?

That may save your life one day.

Do you want to know what happened to the last guy
that didn't go along with the fun that we were having?

Yes.

There he is.

Sit down.

I got it, I got it.

What?

So I only come up with childish ideas, huh?

Yes, you do.

Okay.

I got the greatest idea you have ever heard.

Well, tell us.

What is it?

You're our sub?

And I'm proud to be.

All right, now, you're all sitting here too quiet.

What do you got planned for the old sub, huh?

I got it.

Slingshot draw, huh?

I invented it.

Come on, what's your plan?

Don't tell me you didn't plan nothing.

No, Mr. Fonzarelli.

It's tradition.

Now, come on.

What's happening to you?

Hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Sir, before you begin, I'd just like to
say, what a privilege.

What a privilege it is to live in a country where everybody,
everybody is offered free, quality, public education.

You're a both, Melvin.

Of course.

Two of him and one Elvis.

All right, look, there's supposed to be a
lesson plan here on my desk.

Am I serious?

No.

Today, we were supposed to discuss sex education.

No.

Yeah.

Sex education?

Times have changed.

You know, when I was sitting in your
seats, we studied like first aid.

We saw a cute little film starring Woody
Woodpecker, you know, with a know-your-band-aid.

Sex education, is this true, Chach?

Well, uh... Neck, bones connected to
the... Yeah, yeah, that's it, Fonzie, that's right.

Sex education, all right, a very complicated subject.

Where are you up to?

Where did the coach take you up to?

Puberty.

I wasn't talking about your life, Bobby.

I was talking about your plan.

Oh, no, that's it, Fonzie.

That's what we were up to.

Coach Phillips was going to explain to us what it was.

Puberty, huh?

Anybody got a cute little film starring
Woody Woodpecker on that?

All right, all right, all right,
quick, all right, here we go.

A very important subject.

Let's get on with it.

All right.

Uh-huh.

Okay, puberty.

Me.

You.

All right, so what?

Everybody knows how to spell it, right?

Let's delve.

All right, now here is the flesh.

I'm talking not so much about physical changes.

The fact of the matter is that you cannot
let your body get in the way of your brain.

Does everybody understand that?

No.

Does anybody understand that?

I think that... You're wrong.

All right, we're going to use some visual A*DS here.

What's that?

A highway to Chicago.

Very, very clever, Tommy.

Very clever.

Spell puberty.

P-U-B-E-T-H-E-L-L-E.

This is you as children, five, six years old.

Your biggest problem is whether your parents are
going to give you an extra nickel for an extra pretzel.

This is puberty.

Your biggest problem here is whether your
face is going to clear up in a big dance.

This is you're an adult here, a grown-up, clear complexion.

And the area and the time between here is very dangerous.

Because you don't know what you're doing,
but your body don't know that you don't know.

So, stay in the house.

If I stay in the house, it'll ruin my social life.

Mine too.

Piccolo, you stay in the house three years
after everybody else.

And you prepare never to leave.

All right, now look.

What we're saying here is to think a little bit.

Don't make no dumb mistake, you know,
that's going to ruin your life.

Dig it?

Okay, sweetie.

You got any questions, anybody?

I haven't heard from you.

What is your name?

Noreen.

Hey, Noreen, what's your question?

Well, what you were just saying about ruining your life.

Yeah.

I...

Sit down.

I didn't dismiss you.

Noreen asked the question.

Did I answer it?

Did I answer it?

No.

Go ahead, Noreen.

Never mind.

It's not important.

Are you sure?

Sure.

All right.

Dismissed.

Have fun.

Not one prank among them.

Where is he lifting?

It's peanut brittle.

All right.

Hello, peanut brittle.

They got me.

Yo, C's.

Hey.

Hey.

You can't see what I got for you.

It came to me in a flash.

No more yelling downstairs, upstairs, right?

Here it is.

An intercom system.

Here, use them in health, huh?

What a beautiful table.

What a beautiful table.

What a beautiful woman.

Look at you, huh?

Candlelight.

Wine.

Set for two.

Set for two.

I think I'll just turn the lights off here because, you
know, I mean, the price of electricity and everything.

Oh, nice going, Fonz.

Hey, what's up with you?

Because of you, I'm being fired from my teaching job.

Mrs. McQuiggan, the gown is gorgeous.

Ta-ta-ta.

Carol Burnett in France is coming to TV Land.

We are talking about national TV here.

Tune in for our 48-hour marathon.

It's on at 10.30.

Actually, it's on all weekend long.

Well, forgive me.

Me for a living.

Two straight days of unforgettable skits.

We're all here.

Watch the Carol Burnett and Friends marathon
all weekend, January 17th and 18th on TV Land.

So what did the doctor say?

He said my knee pain was from arthritis
and they get moving again, I should take Aleve.

Doctors know Aleve works right at the site
of arthritis to help you get moving again,

like you used to.

Aleve, all day strong, all day long.

Most people become aware of their septic
system when they have a problem.

You might see puddles in the yard from
sewage popping up to the top of the ground.

Using Rit-X once a month will lessen the
likelihood of having the yard torn up.

I've always recommended Rit-X and I've
never recommended anything else.

Wow, you ordered pizza.

You sure know the way to a man's heart.

I think all relationships are based on honesty.

Me too.

Look, before this goes any further,
there is something you should know.

You're married?

No, it's the pizza.

It's not delivery.

It's Dijon.

For fresh-baked pizza at home,
it's not delivery, it's Dijon.

I knew you were hiding something.

I can read you like a book.

And now try Dijon Deep Dish.

Deep in toppings, deep in cheese.

When you store food, you want to keep it fresh.

But wraps and foils can be a pain to use
and don't seal well.

That's why GLAAD introduced new press and seal wrap.

Just pull, place, and press for a spill-proof seal.

Wow.

New press and seal wrap doesn't just cover.

However, it's a whole new way to store food.

It's strong and stack able.

Seals tight to help prevent freezer burn
and protects in the microwave.

So try new GLAAD press and seal wrap to
seal in freshness in a whole new way.

The school fired you?

But you're such a nice boy.

Such a snappy dresser.

I'm marrying you.

Roger, why are they firing you?

Because he taught sex.

Oh, my.

Oh, my.

Melvin Belvin told his parents,
and they called the principal,

and he accused me of bringing in a guest smut lecturer.

Let me tell you something, Rogie.

I was only teaching what you had already taught.

Fonz, are you kidding me?

Did you even look at my lesson plan?

They were supposed to have a test on
getting to know your bicuspids.

All right, look.

First of all, there was no lesson plan.

Second of all, your class almost pledged allegiance
to the fact that they were studying sex education.

They were pulling your leg.

Your leg, Fonz, having fun with the sub.

You, of all people, should know.

That's right.

I know.

I can take a joke.

You see, I knew that they had better in
them than just pea noodles, you know.

All right, so it's on me.

Big deal.

Well, that's right.

The whole thing sounds like an innocent mistake.

It couldn't be that bad.

Isn't Joanie in that class?

Joanie?

He taught sex to our little girl?

Mr. C, will you calm down?

I mean, I made a little mistake.

You know, forget, forgive.

It's not that simple.

I'm on probation.

They're going to start monitoring my class
like I'm a student teacher.

One wrong move, and I'm out on my briefcase.

Let me tell you something.

All they did was ask a question.

All I did was give a very nice answer.

Isn't what school's for, am I right?

No.

Yes.

Well, no.

Make up your mind.

Well, yes and no.

I mean, there's some answers you can't give
unless you have permission from the school board.

Yeah, there are some things that should
not be taught in the classroom.

Well, I wouldn't say that.

I thought I was agreeing with you.

I was just saying what the rules are.

I didn't say I liked them.

I offered to teach a sex education class in
the beginning of the year, but they said no.

And what are you yelling at me for?

Because you didn't have permission.

Well, I think that should be taught at
home and not in the school, right, Marion?

Marion.

Well, it is, uh, maybe, I mean, maybe.

Marion, you either agree with me or not.

Well, Howard, no, listen, to tell you the truth,
Howard, I was really very embarrassed talking to you.

I was really very embarrassed talking to Joanie about this.

I mean, it might have been nice to have
some professional help.

It was really, it was very difficult.

Oh, what are you talking about?

I told Richie.

I told him everything he had to know.

Then I told him the rest.

You mean there's more?

Yes.

All right, look, some people have no
problem explaining sex to their kids,

while others never talk about it.

There are some very frightened and confused kids out there.

Fellas, this was just a question of
communicating the facts.

It wouldn't be so bad.

But I mean, it's not like teaching auto school.

You're telling me.

I'm in the middle of it.

There's a certain moral issue involved here,
and I think that it should be taught by the parent.

And why aren't we eating?

Oh, Howard, come on, help me.

Help me bring it out.

This is really a discussion between two educators.

You weren't... Thanks.

Fonz, I agree with him.

The parents should teach a moral point of view.

But so many of the parents are so embarrassed
about the facts, they wind up telling their kids nothing.

And that's where I thought I could help.

So I got the ball rolling.

Why don't you just pick it up from there?

Fonz, I can't do that.

Why not?

I'm on probation.

If I talk about anything but nail care and
how to brush your teeth, I'm out of a job.

What happens tomorrow?

The kid asks you a question like they asked me today.

What are you going to say to him?

I don't know.

Oh.

Thank you.

Oh, we've got very distinguished guests here today, huh?

We're from the Board of Education.

Fonz, what are you doing here?

I got you in a very tight spot.

I'm here to hold your coat.

Thanks.

All right.

k*ll him.

All right.

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon, everybody.

Good afternoon, Coach Phillips.

Today, we're going to be discussing hygiene of the mouth.

Oh.

Let's settle down.

We have a lot of work to do, all right?

The mouth is a cavity located between the lips and
throat, containing the lingual and masticating structures.

Now, would anyone care to come up and
point these structures out?

Suggest a few ways in which we may be able
to take better care of them.

All right.

Maureen.

No, Mr. Phillips.

That's not why I raised my hand.

I have a question from yesterday's class.

Okay.

We were talking about, you know,
changes in people and their bodies.

I heard.

Well, I wanted to know how a person would
know if she was in trouble.

You would?

Yes.

Maureen, I don't think that...

Well, I would like very much to answer that for you.

And I know that you got into that area yesterday.

Today's topic is hygiene of the mouth.

I'm sorry.

How many others of you have the same question?

Right.

How does a person know when she's in trouble?

Good question.

One that deserves an answer.

Come on, mateys!

It's Dora's Pirate Adventure, a brand new,
never-before-seen, double-length musical.

The pirate piggies have taken the treasure,
and Dora needs your help to get it back.

It's Dora's Pirate Adventure, available
January 27th, only on VHS and DVD.

We are at the home of the famous Dilley's Sextuplets.

How do you make lunch for six kids every day?

Campbell's tomato soup, versatility in a can.

You got some pasta there in the fridge,
you got some chicken.

And you've given every one of them the
opportunity to express themselves.

Wonderful.

Make it Campbell's instead!

It calls us.

It moves us.

The desire to gather.

We even have a name for it.

Magical gatherings.

This year, plan a gathering with your circle of loved ones.

To get started, call 1-407-W-Disney.

People come into H&R Block with shoe boxes
jammed with receipts.

It's my job to make sense of it all.

So I dig through all those receipts to
make sure I find them the maximum refund.

That's our guarantee.

Get the maximum refund or it's free.

Another advantage of H&R Block.

So what'd the doctor say?

He said the pain that wakes me up at night
is from arthritis.

Really?

He said I should take Aleve.

Doctors know Aleve stops arthritis pain for up
to 12 hours so pain won't interrupt your sleep.

I see the Aleve works.

All night long.

Aleve.

When eyes get dry, scratchy, irritated, Visine Tears can
soothe, moisturize, and protect like your own natural tears.

And it's safe to use as often as you need.

Visine Tears.

Relieves dry eyes like your own natural tears.

Inside that microphone is something familiar.

A battery.

And while you might think all batteries
are the same, consider this.

When Bon Jovi puts on a show, the battery that
powers their microphones is always a Duracell.

So whether you've got 50,000 screaming fans or
you're working a slightly smaller room, it just has to work.

Duracell.

Trusted everywhere.

I have known up close and personal what
it's like to have to have good insurance.

Mother had multiple surgeries and was in
intensive care for long periods of time.

I can't imagine what people do.

I really cannot imagine what people do when they're going
through all of that and they can't pay the medical bills.

The expenses were amazing.

Physicians Mutual was always so good to cover everything.

It enabled the rest of the family to go on
and have some semblance of normalcy.

And that's critical.

I'm an only child, my daughter's an only
child, and the three women were very close.

And we were able to spend a lot of quality time together.

I was especially impressed with the integrity and
just the honesty and reliability of Physicians Mutual.

I found them very easy to deal with and
they did the right thing.

We're here and they need us.

It's Physicians Mutual.

Okay, for the past half an hour now, we've been
discussing the possible consequences of certain behavior.

It's the last time we'll be discussing this in my class.

I can't tell you what you should or
shouldn't do, that's a moral decision.

Morality is something I think you should
talk about at home with your parents.

And I hope you do.

Class dismissed.

Raj, I think you did a great job, no matter
what this Spanish imposition says, you know?

Mr. Phillips, I just wanted to thank you.

I was so scared I didn't know what to do,
and I couldn't tell anyone.

You see, I was sure I was in trouble.

You know, until you explained it.

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

Promise you won't laugh?

If you have my word.

Well, I thought you could get, you know, pregnant
by necking with a boy while wearing a bathing suit.

I'm sorry, Noreen.

No, no, that's okay.

It's pretty funny.

Stupid, too.

No, no, no, it's not stupid.

Well, I don't know why my mother told me that.

Your mother told you that, huh?

Whoa.

Well, a lot of parents are too embarrassed
to tell you the right way, and some aren't.

I wouldn't hold it against you.

Well, I won't.

Anyways, I'm glad I have the right answers now.

Well, thank you very much.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye, Noreen.

Mr. Phillips, I'm Mrs. Eckert.

Listen, you can't fire this boy.

He's not going to be... Because if you
fire this boy, you've got to fire me, too.

He's not going to be fired.

You're not going to be fired.

Hey, well, I put in a good word for you.

Oh, well, thanks.

Sure.

I just overheard the young lady.

And I must admit, I hadn't realized how
naive some of the thinking of these kids

is and how hard it is for some of them to
talk to their parents.

Well, I'm going to recommend that there be
some sort of a voluntary course given in this area.

And if you refrain from any
more impromptu classes until I can

make my report to the board, I
think we might be able to do it.

I promise not another word until I've heard from you.

You're a fine teacher, Mr. Phillips.

We could use more like you in the school system.

Thank you.

You, Mr. Fonzarelli, are unique.

Yes.

There's never been another teacher like you.

And I would venture to say there will
never be another teacher like you again.

Bye-bye.

Should we hear what that cutie pie said about me?

Yep.

She said I was unique.

You're one of a kind, Fonz.

Yeah.

When they made you, they threw away the mold.

Oh, yeah.

Roger.

You stand head and shoulders above the crowd.

Yeah.

You're a man of men.

Oh, yeah.

Fonz, you are the king.

Yeah.

You are the great.

Oh, yeah.

Ever wonder what the Brady Bunch would
sound like in Spanish?

Miguel y Carol hablan mucho espanol.

En este episodio, listen closely.

Stay tuned for episode 100, Peter and the
Wolf, coming up next on TV Land.