09x08 - Just a Piccalo

[bunniefuu]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend comes, my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can hold me when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and rolling all week long ♪

[organ solo plays over rhythmic hand claps]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are yours ♪

♪ And mine, Happy Days! ♪

Everybody's doing a new dance now.

Come on, baby, do the locomotion.

I know you'll get to like it if you give it a chance now.

Come on, baby, do the locomotion.

Ah, here we are.

Two lovely flowers for Milwaukee's loveliest flowers.

Oh, what a lovely thought.

Well, I thought I'd give the place a little class.

Well, they're beautiful.

Oh, they're plastic.

Yeah, Clarence made them out of some old lawn furniture.

He's very artistic.

You never have to water them.

What a little dusting.

Baby, what's this?

Good job, good job.

Jokes, there they are.

There who are?

Only the president and vice president of the Rondells.

Jenny, now don't start with me again.

I don't want to join the Rondells.

I've already turned them down.

Turned them down?

Have you gone mad?

They've got a great club.

When they have parties, all the cutest
guys in school are there.

How do you know?

I never invited you to any of their parties.

Oh, I crashed one once.

And the guys that dragged me out were the
cutest guys I've ever seen.

Strong, too.

Jenny, I don't care about that.

I am very happy with Chachi.

Oh, sure.

Sure, care only about yourself.

And I thought you were my friend.

I am your friend.

Great.

Then join the Rondells.

How does that help you?

Because they don't want me.

But they're dying to have you join.

So I figure you tell them you'll join,
but only if they'll take me, too.

What do you think?

Why would you want to join a club that
thinks you're garbage?

That's good they have standards.

Oh, I see.

So not only do I have to join a club that
thinks you're garbage, I have to join a

club that I don't want to join, but I
have to plead with them to let you in also?

Exactly.

It's either that, Jones, or I could go
back to hanging around at the YMCA.

You hang around at the YMCA?

Oh, Jones, I have no life.

All right, all right.

Oh, Marilyn.

Oh, Stephanie.

Joanie, how nice to see you again.

Hello.

Hello.

You know Jenny Piccalo?

Hi.

We've met.

Briefly.

We were going into a party while she was
being dragged out by her parents.

Listen, girls, if you'd still like me to
join the Rondelles, I'd be happy to.

That's jolly.

How nice.

There's just one thing.

What?

My friend Jenny here would like to be in also.

Excuse us.

We'll take you both.

Oh, that means I'm in.

I'm a Rondelle.

Oh, thank you.

We even look alike.

Of course.

You must each complete one pledge assignment.

Fine.

All right, Pledge Cunningham, here's your assignment.

By this coming Friday, you are to find a
copy of the Milwaukee Telephone Directory.

And?

Well, there is no and.

That's it.

I can't, Brad.

Pledge Piccolo.

No problem.

The book.

When do I get my sweater?

For your assignment, you must take that
copy of the Milwaukee Directory.

No problem.

And memorize every number in it.

I better call Kelly's House of Beef and
tell them we'll be late.

That's Clayburgh 51226.

Jenny.

Do you mean to tell me you memorized the
whole telephone book just to join a club?

I want this.

Wait, Howard.

Wait.

Wait.

Don't.

Don't call the House of Beef.

I'm ready.

Are you guys going out to dinner?

What's the special occasion?

The stove blew up.

Congratulations.

Hello.

Mr. Cunningham.

Mr. Cunningham.

We came to talk to our pledges.

Oh, have fun, girls.

Have fun.

Remember when they made you march with that awful song?

Swamp and crawl through all that gooey mud
to get in that fraternity?

That was the army, Marion.

Are you girls ready to fulfill your pledge assignments?

Here is the telephone book.

Congratulations, Joanie.

You are officially a rondelle.

Good.

Can I take off the hat now?

Now, Jenny, we're terribly sorry if your
assignment was too difficult, but those are the breaks.

Maybe another... Try me.

What?

Try me.

Is she serious?

Try her.

Okay, Jenny.

Arthur Abb.

Zenith 51227.

Albert Aaron.

Winsbury 61445.

She wants this.

Selva.

Swizzle.

Kleberg 65771.

That's it.

I did it.

I'm a Ron Mills.

She did it.

Sweater.

Don't jump on the furniture.

Yes.

You have just completed the first part of your assignment.

First part?

Wait a second.

You said she only had to do one thing.

Yes, but it's just a little thing.

What is it?

She has... She has to take the statue.

She has to take the statue of General Pfister
out of Pfister Park and bring it to our clubhouse.

Hey, that's very good.

Are you crazy?

That's stealing.

You know, you may have a hot club.

I'll do it.

Have it there tomorrow night.

Bye-bye.

Jones, I want this.

The next thing you'll want me to do is go
to the park and help you.

Would you go to the park and help me?

When cows wear pants.

Jones, come on.

We can do it.

We can do anything together.

Johnny, what happened to that old Jenny-Johnny team?

Barrett, you're crazy.

Why don't you call a psychiatrist?

Any psychiatrist.

You know all the numbers.

I'd do it for you, Johnny.

That's what friendship is all about, but of
course, you wouldn't know anything about that.

I have a date with Chachi tomorrow night.

I can't.

Oh, sure.

A date with Chachi is more important to
you than your best friend.

Oh, Jenny, you got me so confused.

I don't know what's right anymore.

Hey, girls.

Well, did you ever see me like this?

You know what that is?

You had your cats made into boots.

The cat's going to catch your tongue in a minute.

You have no idea what this is.

This is a genuine Eskimo muckluck.

They're awfully pretty.

You know who sent them to me?

Who?

Your brother, my friend.

They look real comfortable.

No, they're not.

They stink.

They make my feet itch.

They're hard to get on.

But my friend sent them to me.

You know how I got them?

I'll tell you.

I was having a casual conversation with Richie, and I
said, you know, I'd like to try a pair of Eskimo muttlucks.

He flies 200 miles north.

He sits in an igloo, freezing to death, eating raw
fish, waiting for these to be made to order, huh?

And then he sends me these.

Now that is friendship.

Richie, the kind of guy that goes out for
you anywhere, anytime, huh?

Come on, Jenny, if we're going to do this,
let's get it done quick.

I am coming as fast as I can.

This jackhammer is heavy.

It's not too late.

Let's go.

Jones, don't chicken out on me now.

I need you.

You're my friend, aren't you?

I'm your friend.

Well, here it is.

For such a big hero, why such a small statue?

General Obadiah Tinyfister, the only three-foot,


The sky is light.

Life, size.

Well, look at there.

It says he served under General Grant.

I'll bet he's served under everybody.

Come on, Jones.

We don't have time for this.

Get that crowbar.

Come on.

Look how sad.

Died for his country in the Battle of Gettysburg
when he fell into a foxhole and couldn't climb out.

Jones, come on.

That cop will be back any minute.

Use the crowbar.

Jenny, don't you think he's suffered enough?

Besides, I don't think he's going to come
out with just a crowbar.

Give it a try.

All right.

Jenny, the General's lost his head.

Quick, somebody's coming.

Here goes nothing.

Wrong hand.

Switch it.

Three feet, 11 inches.

All right.

Where's General Fister?

I'm booking you on a 121 defacing a public m*dget.

You girls are in big trouble.

Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name.

Rush face.

Maggot.

Bladder polyp.

Hideous gargoyle.

Dirty farm boy.

Licentious.

Quack.

Wussy little fraidy cat.

Care hat.

Troglodyte.

Ham hock.

So join troglodyte, ham hock, and the rest
of the g*ng at Cheers every night on TV Land.

Don't forget to tell your friends about Cheers.

Dad, this is dumb.

It's go time.

Oh, boy.

Here's one way to take computer help.

Target in sight.

Can I help you?

Not a word of this.

To your mother.

Hang on.

Here we go.

What do you want from me?

I want you to make this.

Go away.

Please.

Don't go there.

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Shh, they're coming.

Oh, what a time for a cold.

Nose is running, head's all blocked up.

I need some Alka-Seltzer Plus.

I'll get my Alka-Seltzer Plus.

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Jones, this is the worst night of my entire life.

You know, when my dad finds out about this, he will die.

Well, my dad's not gonna be too thrilled either.

At least he won't die.

You've never met my father before.

He's a sweet, fragile man.

Jones, he thinks I'm perfect.

Why?

Because I hide things from him.

Things like this.

When he finds out about this, I'm telling you, he will die.

But don't you think it's a little too late now?

Jones, if I ask you a question, will
you promise to still be my best friend?

Of course.

When that cop comes back, why don't you
tell him that you took the statue all by

yourself and that I came down here to talk you out of it?

I'll back you up.

Come on, Jones.

Jones, please.

I know I'm a low person, but do it for my father.

Be a friend.

Oh, come on, Jenny.

You're going to use your dad.

Hello, officer.

Never touch a police officer, little lady.

Oh, yeah.

We didn't get a chance to chat before.

I'm sorry you couldn't have been here sooner to help
me talk my friend out of this bizarre escapade of hers.

Oh, how I tried and tried, but she just wouldn't listen.

I'm such a bad kid.

This is my joy to stand me up like this.

Not even a phone call or anything.

Oh, Howard, I'm scared.

Maybe we should call the police.

Oh, Marion, you're getting upset over nothing.

Nothing?

Tickets to a Chubby Checker concert are two bucks each?

You call that nothing?

And this tie, tie cost me a dollar.

You call that nothing?

And what about this belt, Mr. C?

That's 75 cents.

Is that nothing, too?

You know, you're worried about all the money you
spent, and Joanie could have been in an accident.

Oh, my God.

No, no, Marion, she wasn't in an accident.

I was just trying to make a point.

Yeah, and I got a haircut.

It cost me another dollar.

You got robbed.

I know.

In there.

Well, Cunningham, is this your daughter?

Oh, come on, Kirk.

You know that's my daughter.

Now, what's going on?

Not so fast, Cunningham.

Is this your daughter?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Yes.

It's my daughter.

All right.

Now, what happened?

She was trying to steal General Pfister's statue.

Oh, come on.

Hold it there, Romeo.

Back it up in formation there.

Best if you take it easy.

I'm in charge here.

Now, Cunningham, since your daughter's a
minor, I'm going to leave her in your custody.

But you'll have to appear in court.

You'll be properly notified.

And as for the young lady who tried to talk her out of it,

I'd be proud to give you a
personal escort home, little lady.

Johnny, I'm really sorry.

I don't know what to do.

Take her home.

Oh, look at her.

Sorry.

Joanie, I can't believe it happened the way he said it did.

Now, something is rotten here.

And I know who it is.

Oh, no, let's not overreact.

We'll have to move away.

We'll make a fresh start.

Marion!

Now, come on.

It couldn't have happened the way Kirk said.

Our daughter is not a vandal.

I'm right, aren't I, sweetheart?

No, I'm a vandal.

I did it.

Oh, sweetheart.

Now, if you wanted to stay.

Why didn't you tell us?

We would have bought you one.

Are you trying to tell me that you went to
a park to steal a statue when you had the

chance to go with me to see Chubby Checker in concert, huh?

I don't buy that for a second.

It's true.

And Jenny went there to talk you out of it.

Yeah.

All right, Joanie.

I want you to look me straight in the eye
and say that you're telling the truth.

I'm telling you the truth.

You're looking at my chin.

Look me in the eye.

Jenny wanted the statue, and I went to the
park to talk her out of it.

Now, Joanie, if Jenny wanted to steal the statue, and you
tried to talk her out of it, why did you take all the blame?

Well, it's hard to explain.

See, it's something about protecting her father.

I don't know.

She talks faster than I can listen.

Well, I know one thing.

That Jenny Piccolo has been nothing but trouble
ever since you met her when you were six years old.

And I'm going to get her parents on the
phone, tell them to get over here tomorrow

night, and we're going to straighten this out.

No, Dad, you can't call her father.

He's a very fragile man.

News like this could k*ll him.

I'm sorry, Joanie.

I don't want to k*ll the man, and I'll be
as gentle as I can.

But I'm not going to stand by and let you
take the blame for something you didn't do.

I should have done this years ago.

Tomorrow night, the Cunninghams and the
Piccolos are going to have it out.

Tough little guy.

Yeah.

The Piccolos are already an hour late.

Another half hour, and I'm going to take this suit off.

Oh, that must be them.

Daddy, Daddy, please try to be gentle with
Mr. Piccolo, okay?

Yeah.

Joanie, don't worry.

Now your father's going to do the right thing.

The right thing, aren't you, Howard?

I'll do my best, Marion.

Howdy, baby!

Hi!

Glad to see you, Mr. Piccolo.

What did you call me?

Did you call me Piccolo?

You called me Roscoe.

We're friends.

And this is your lovely daughter, Joanie.

Roscoe, it's nice to meet you.

How are you, sweetheart?

Your name's Joanie?

How are you, dear?

No, no, I'm his wife, Marion.

You're kidding.

Oh, you ought to be.

You cradle snatcher, you.

You are lovely.

Marion, you mind if we're alone for a minute?

I'll only take a second.

Come here.

You can confide in me.

What was your name when you were on stage?

Was he fun working with Marlon Brando?

Did you like Jack Lemmon?

Was he good?

You can tell me.

What are you, smuggling basketballs?

Now, here's what I want to tell you.

See?

See?

Huh?

Don't you offer a place in a seat?

Oh!

Please, by all means, have a seat.

Thank you.

You're all right.

I want to tell you something.

I... I like you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

This is fragile.

Well, you must be Joanie.

Give your uncle baby a kiss.

She's sweet.

Is she adopted?

Roscoe, where is your wife?

Oh, Rosalie, she's outside waiting in the car.

Well, why didn't you invite her in?

She's busy changing her tire.

Come here a minute.

Sit down.

Now, you can confide me the marriage.

What were you, 36?

She was 16.

You had money then.

It was your money.

Tell me.

You can tell me.

Roscoe, will you listen for a minute?

I asked you over here tonight for a reason.

Hold it.

Is this a touch?

You can have anything.

I promise you.

No.

Damn it.

Come in.

Come in.

Hi, Daddy.

Tinker Bell Angel, my little sister greatest.

Look at this face.

Did you ever see anything like it?

Elizabeth Taylor as a child?

You see who's that?

Didn't anybody here see National Velvet?

I don't understand.

He does take you to the movies, doesn't he?

Doesn't he go stay home and roast peanuts?

Clark Gable.

Jimmy Stewart?

Means nothing to you.

You know they have movies that talk now, did you know?

Daddy.

What?

Oh, I got something for you, a little surprise.

Don't be nervous, just do it as I told you.

All right.

When there are gray skies.

What, don't you mind?

I don't mind the gray skies.

Look, Roscoe.

You, you're interrupting.

You, make them blue.

Join us, you, make them blue.

Take a breath.

Now, wait a minute.

You, make them blue, Sonny boy.

Roscoe, please.

What's wrong with you?

We were having fun.

Look, this is important.

Last night, my daughter, Joanie, was arrested for stealing.

Dear God, Nevin, you're kidding.

That's sweet innocent child.

I won't believe it.

Joanie, they can tell this to me a hundred times.

They will never convince me of this.

Is my wallet in my pocket?

Get out of here.

Daddy.

Daddy, listen to me.

What?

I know this is going to come as a bit of a shock to you,
but I'm the one that stole the statue of General Pfister.

You?

Me, your little tinkerbell.

You see, I did it just to get into a club,
and Joan's covered up for me.

I told her she wouldn't take the rap,
that she wouldn't be a friend.

But see, I'm the one who's not a friend
for asking her to do something like that.

I'm sorry, Joanie.

I'm sorry, Dad.

You can never let me down.

What's wrong with you?

I'm your father.

I'm not your enemy.

Besides, girls will be girls.

Is this a face?

Look at this face.

I wish you were twins.

Dad, then you're not upset.

Yes, I'm a little upset.

I'm upset that you didn't come to me right away with this.

You can always talk to your dad.

It's your mother you have to worry about.

She's a hitter.

I owe you all an apology.

I behaved dreadfully.

Oh, no, you didn't.

Not really.

Look, I got an idea.

Why don't we go down to the police station, straighten
this whole thing out, then I'll take you all out to dinner.

Great idea.

Someplace for dancing.

Marion, save the mambo for me.

Let's go.

That's how she gets very impetuous.

Move, move.

Hi-ya.

Hi.

Hey.

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You're watching TV Land.

Oh, that wasn't so bad.

Oh, yeah.

I like to spend my Saturday afternoon crawling
on my knees, picking up garbage in Pfister Park.

Ooh, there was some pretty disgusting garbage.

Yeah, but it's better than going to jail.

Yeah.

Besides, I thought that judge was very nice.

Kind of cute, too.

Give it a rest.

You know something, Jones?

What?

I really did embarrass myself in front of those rondelles.

I let them strip me of all my dignity.

Oh, I hadn't noticed.

Come on, let's go down to Arnold's.

I'll buy you soda.

Yeah?

You know what, Jones?

What?

I know of a much better club.

A real dignified one.

No pranky acts or anything.

This one is class A all the way.

And you can get in?

Easy.

Come on.

All we have to do is run the principal's
pants up the flagpole.

The only problem is he has to still be in them.

But we can handle it.

Come on.

What we're going to do is we're going to
go down to the school.

All right.

On the Brady Bunch, Greg is hiding a goat
in his bedroom and the second Gladys.

The first Gladys from Bewitched is fuming.

It seems a lot weirder than it is.

Stay tuned for Getting Greg's Goat,
episode number 101, next on...