05x26 - The Fountain of Youth

[bunniefuu]

My Three Sons, starring Fred MacMurray,
and as Uncle Charley, William Demarest.

Brought to you tonight by Waker Oats.

Nothing is better for thee than me.



Hey, me?

Don't be silly.

Good, because I need this number sewed
back on my uniform right away.

Okay, okay.

Dump it someplace and I'll get to it later.

Oh, and I also got a sweat sock with a hole in it.

To match the one in my head.

Huh?

All right, all right.

Hi, Uncle Charlie.

Hi.

Say, is my brown button-down shirt ironed yet?

Nothing is ironed.

I got to swab down the galley floor first,
before we stick to it.

Uncle Charlie, you, uh, suppose you could
do the ironing first this time?

I've got a date with Cynthia Roberts,
and I need that shirt.

Need it?

You got a bunch in your dresser drawer.

Yeah, I know, but I'm trying to make an impression,
and Cynthia digs me in the brown button-down.

She says it matches my blue eyes.

Oh, Chip.

Hey, what's up?

No more cookies?

Nope.

They're all gone.

What'd you do, rip your uniform?

Yeah, Uncle Charlie's gonna fix it.

What?

He'll fix it after he does my shirt.

What do you mean, after?

I was here first.

Okay, okay, knock it off.

I ought to make everybody take a number
like they do down at the meat market.

Hi, Charlie.

Here.

Laundry day.

Starch?

No starch.

I'm sorry to disappoint you, but you'll have to wait.

There's two customers ahead of you.

Oh, well, no problem.

Anytime before morning.

Yeah, well, come on.

Get out, get out.

And let the O'Casey Laundry and Mending Service go to work.

Come on, come on.

Get out, everybody.

Come on.

All right, Charlie.

Oh, it's you.

Yeah, it seems to be.

Don't tell me, let me guess.

You ripped your coat pocket on the doorknob.

I did.

Or your fountain pen leaked and you got ink all
over your white shirt and you want me to bleach it.

No, no, I didn't.

No emergency washing iron?

No, no, I just came home.

Welcome aboard.

Oh, Charley, there is one thing.

I have to meet a client tonight.

Do you suppose we could have dinner a
little earlier than usual?

Why not?

Fine.

When do you think?

Saturday around noon.

Saturday around...

Oh.

Uncle Charley?

Here, get the full effect.

You think Cynthia will go for it?

She'd better, mate.

That shirt took me 20 minutes to iron.

Where are you going?

Oh, the community center.

It's a reading concert.

A who?

Yeah, that's what I said when Cynthia told me about it.

She wants to go because she's going to be
an actress as soon as somebody discovers her.

Oh, one of those.

Whose concert are they?

A reading.

You know, they read things from plays.

It's going to be an old-time actress, Margaret McSterling.

Maggie McSterling?

Well, you know her?

If it's the same one, there was a Margaret McSterling
back in Vaudeville when I was doing the act with Bub.

Well, no kidding.

You think it could be the same one?

Well, toss me the paper there.

Maybe there's a picture in there.

She came on right after Fink's Mules and
some Philmeat Veils and, uh...

Oh, there's an item there.

No, no picture.

Well, that figures.

She must be 111 by now.

There's an item.

Appearing in one night engagement is Miss... Miss Margaret
McSterling, who recently starred in Holiday in Springtime.

That's Maggie.

What do you know?

I'll bet it's 35 years ago.

Yeah, I told Cynthia she was probably
pretty beat up at her age.

Oh, thank you, my boy.

Oh, but, Charlie, I didn't mean it.

Maggie McSterling.

Why, those were the days.

She and I were sort of an item once.

I guess we both look a lot different after all these years.

Say, if you really want to make a hit with
this girl of yours, how about me taking

the two of you backstage and introducing you?

Hey, yeah.

Why don't I go pick up Cynthia while you're getting ready?

We can both meet you in the lobby.

Check.

I'll see if I can swap my two tickets for
three of them together.

Yeah, take me a little time to spruce up.

I want to look real good when she sees me.

Thank you very much.

Oh, isn't this exciting, Robbie?

Here we are, just like at a Broadway opening.

We're first-nighters.

Well, we sort of had to come the first
night to see Miss McSterney.

Tomorrow night, they're having the wrestling matches.

Robbie, be serious.

There might be producers or directors here
just looking for fresh new faces.

Turn the other way.

Look casual.

What?

Some very distinguished-looking man just staring at me.

Where?

Is he coming this way?

Sure.

Yeah, but I don't think he's going to do much for
your career unless you're thinking about taking in wash.

That's my Uncle Charley.

He says you got the tickets.

Yeah.

Cynthia Roberts, this is my uncle, Uncle Charley.

Glad to know you.

Imagine you're knowing a serious actress
like Miss McSterling.

Oh, I'm positively dying to meet her.

Well, we better wait till after.

Seeing an old friend might give her opening night jitters.

Here's a picture of Miss McSterling in the program.

Not bad at all.

No, Maggie is no chicken.

After all, we both started in vaudeville
at about the same time.

And let's face it, a woman starts going
downhill a lot sooner than a man who's

kept himself in good condition like I have.

I'm just wondering if I'll recognize him.

Be a little embarrassing.

Hey, wait a minute.

There's something wrong here.

She hasn't changed a bit.

She just hasn't changed a bit.

The quality of mercy is not strained.

It droppeth as a gentle rain from heaven
upon the place beneath.

Ah, there she is over there.

Wait here while I have a minute alone with
her, for all anxiety.

Miss McSterling.

Thank you for coming back.

Everybody in Bryant Park has been so gracious.

But if you'll excuse me, I do have to
change and meet some friends.

Uncle Charley, what happened?

Aren't we going to meet her?

She said she had an important phone call to make, and I told
her it would be better if I got in touch with her later.

After all your years together and she... She's busy.

Let's get out of here.

How come you're cooking breakfast?

Where's Uncle Charlie?

He's in his room.

He told me to start the pancakes and he'd be in later.

How come?

Is he sick?

No, I don't think so.

He just sounded sort of raunchy.

Hi.

Hi, Dad.

You cooking breakfast this morning, Rob?

Yeah.

Where's Charlie?

In his room.

Robbie says he's sort of raunchy.

Raunchy?

About what happened at the theater last night?

Yeah.

I can eat about six of those this morning.

Charlie.

Charlie?

Come in, Steve.

Morning.

Morning.

Is, uh, anything wrong?

Nothing that a new face couldn't fix.

A new face?

Last night at the theater, I stood as
close to Maggie McSterling as I'm standing

to you, and she looked me right in the eye
and never recognized me.

Well, Charlie, I'm sure it was because she
didn't expect to see you of all people

here in Bryant Park, or maybe it was just
because she... Because she looks 40 and I look 140.

Oh, Charlie.

Charlie, don't give me any of that now, Charlie.

Stop.

It's all this cooking and ironing and washing.

I'm a household grunt.

Well, I suppose it has been kind of tough, Charlie,
but, uh, well, you've only been here two months.

You think Fry Cook and the merchant marines are a rescuer?

Oh, of course not, but... While she's been out
signing autographs, I've been sweating over a hot stove.

While she's taking curtain calls and getting bouquets,
I'm taking gripes on the chow and getting fish pan hands.

No, don't.

It's not so hard, Charley.

You're just having one of those days that
happens to all of us.

Sometimes the grass looks greener in the
other fellow's yard.

When I just looked in the mirror,
all I could see was weeds.

I'm going back to bed where I don't have to look at myself.

Oh, Miss McSterling?

Yes.

I'm Stephen Douglas, Charley O'Casey's relative.

Charley O'Casey.

That darling, do come in.

Please sit down.

I want to hear all about him.

Where has he been all of these years?

Well, after the act broke up, he did a hitch in
the merchant marine until a few months ago.

And, well, since then, he's been living
with me and my family here in town.

Here, in Bryant Park?

Well, didn't he know that I was here?

Well, yes.

As a matter of fact, he was out front at the theater,
and then afterwards, he went backstage to see you.

Charley came backstage?

Yes.

He said he was standing right in front of you,
but evidently you didn't recognize him, and he's.

...

Oh, I've done it again.

What?

These glasses.

I simply will not wear them.

Maybe for Katie, too, and without them, I wouldn't
recognize my own mother if I was sitting in her lap.

Well, that's why you didn't know him.

Well, I'll explain it all to Charley.

I'm most grateful to you for telling me, but
somehow I would like to, well, to explain to him...

Oh, to be wonderfully, if you could, Miss
McSterling, why don't you call him at the house?

The number's in the phone book under Stephen Douglas.

I'd appreciate it because, uh,
well, Charley was pretty upset about the

whole thing, not only because you didn't
recognize him, but he said you looked 40 to his 140.

That's like Charley.

Well, thanks very much, Miss McSterling.

Uh, Mr. Douglas.

Yes?

Oh, you are rather nice-looking.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Doth a king think that life is nothing but
not being stone dead?

If he would drive me mad, he would but
leave me here only but a fortnight.

Hark!

What sound is that?

A campanila floating to me on the wind?

Sounds like a doorbell to me.

How do you do?

Well, how do you do?

I'm looking for Mr. O'Casey.

Charley O'Casey?

Why, yes, of course, Miss McSterling.

Oh, how nice of you to recognize me.

Oh, come on in.

I'll call him right away.

You know, we saw you last night.

Oh, Miss McSterling, you were simply wonderful.

Moving, genuinely moving.

Thank you.

This is Cynthia Roberts.

She plans to be in... Carmelda.

Huh?

Huh?

Oh, Cynthia's just what my parents and people call me.

My stage name is Carmelda Robinette.

Melda plans to be an actress, too.

Carmelda.

Well, I'll call Uncle Charley.

Oh, please, won't you come in?

Here he is, Miss McSterling.

Charley.

Miss McSterling?

Miss McSterling?

Maggie to you, you old fraud.

Charley, it's so good to see you.

I'm very sorry about last night.

Did you hear about my Uncle Herman?

He gets in the bathtub with his shoes on.

Your Uncle Herman gets in the bathtub with his shoes on?

He must be crazy.

No, he's a plumber.

You remember when Bub and I first did that?

The Sid Harris Review.

At the Old Temple Theater.

Maggie, that was a lot of years ago.

Do you know why I didn't recognize you at
the theater last night?

Listen, when I looked in the mirror this
morning, I didn't recognize myself either.

Don't be ridiculous.

It was because I wasn't wearing these.

Oh, the old four-eyed bit.

Oh, I hate wearing them.

And I know they make me look older,
and you know the old adage about a man is

as old as he feels and a woman as old as she looks.

Maggie, the years haven't touched you.

You look like you discovered the fountain of youth.

I discovered it all right.

Only it's spelt W-O-R-K.

Word.

Listen, I discovered that little item myself.

Twelve years in the merchant marine and two
months taking care of this household of litterbugs.

It ain't done a thing for my complexion.

Well, that isn't the kind of work I mean.

I mean dieting, mud packs, beauty oils, exercising.

You know something, Charlie?

It wouldn't hurt you either.

Too late.

Nothing's going to take the gullies out of my kisser.

Oh, nonsense.

Listen, Charlie.

You don't sound as if you cared about this domestic bit.

Why don't you take some of the years off your looks,
brush up on your material, and get back up on the board?

Maggie, it's been 12 years since I slapped on grease paint.

You just let me slap some of my nutrient
creams and oils on that face of yours,

and I'll wipe 12 years right off.

You mean it?

You could actually pry me away from the pots and the pans?

Like that.

Well, what are we waiting for?

Stay for dinner.

Dinner?

If I'm going to take 12 years off,
I'm going to need at least a week.

This stuff is beginning to harden.

Quiet.

This is only the first coat of the mud pack.

Wait till I put the second on.

That will do the trick.

I was wondering what you could do for crow's feet,
besides putting taps on them and teaching them to dance.

Oh, Mr. Sterling.

Robbie told me you were in here.

Yes, I couldn't resist making a personal appearance.

Well, what's going on here?

I'm initiating Charley into the battle for youth.

Well, that should be interesting.

Steve, watch the great transformation.

We're gonna putty up the cracks in this p*ssy of mine,
and then goodbye ironing boards and housemaid's knee.

Back to show business.

You're going back into show business, huh?

Well, that's great, Charley, if that's
what you really want.

I still got all my material.

Did you hear about the mama kangaroo who
threw her youngsters out of her pouch?

No, what about the mama kangaroo?

What about the mama kangaroo that threw
her youngsters out of her pouch?

She caught them eating crackers in bed.

Well, if you'll excuse me.

Oh, nice.

Hey, come on.

Hey, now, Charley.

Hold back.

Take it easy, will you?

Just a second.

Now, this is muscle stimulation.

Thirty-six.

Thirty-seven.

Thirty-eight.

Twenty-nine.

Forty-seven.

Forty-eight.

Ninety-five.

Ninety-six.

Hi, Miss McSterl.

Hello, Chip.

I saw Uncle Charley riding around the
block on Robbie's bicycle.

Mm-hmm.

I prescribed it for tightening leg and abdominal muscles.

Is that good?

Very.

Why?

He didn't look like he thought it was.

Oh.

Oh.

Fair.

Hey, Filks.

Oh, uh, uh, yes, Cynthia?

I mean, Carl Moda.

Carl Moda is a little silly, isn't it?

Mm-hmm.

I'll stick to Cynthia.

I think that's a fine idea.

Were you getting in the mood for a scene or something?

Oh, heavens, no, no.

I was just looking at this photograph of
Mr. Douglas's family.

It's, um, Charlie's family, too.

I imagine.

Do you have a family?

I mean, are you married?

I was.

To an actor, but, well, the show closed.

I guess it's hard to be an actress and a
mother and wife, too.

At least that's what the fan magazines say.

Well, that was one role I couldn't do
justice to, even though I tried.

I've got so much to learn.

I don't have to worry about my career clashing
with Robbie's because he doesn't have a job.

I don't know anything about how to take
curtain calls or whether to act eager when

I sign my first autograph or to be sort of aloof.

The first autograph doesn't matter.

It's the last one you have to worry about.

Oh, there's more to being an actress than
just autographs and curtain calls, Cynthia.

For most of us, it's hard work,
disappointments, telephones that don't

ring, second-rate, half-empty theaters,
living in lonely hotel rooms.

And then suddenly one day, when it's a little bit too
late, you have moments when you wonder if it was worth it.

Do you think it was?

Yes.

I don't regret it for one single moment.

Thank you for talking to me, Miss McSterling.

Thank you for listening to my life story.

Oh, Cynthia, you know what I wish for you?

That you have a happy heart always.

Thank you.

I hope we never find ourselves competing
for the same parts.

Maggie, uh, hi.

What is going on here?

Oh, I was cutting a piece of cake for the dog, tr*mp.

He has a sweet tooth.

You always put his cake on a plate and
feed it to him with a fork?

Oh, Maggie.

Bicycling and standing on my head worked up an appetite.

You are only allowed one half cup of carrot puree.

Yeah, I know.

You know, there are far too many temptations around here.

You should have a week at Slim Center.

A week at whose is this?

Slim Center.

I was planning to go there myself.

It's a health farm for men and women.

Mud baths, supervised dieting, and exercise.

And no tempting chocolate cake within smelling distance.

Maggie, I've been doing some thinking.

It must be that rush of blood to my head.

And?

I had 20 years of living out of a suitcase
in rented rooms when I played vaudeville.

Then, I had another dozen living out of a seed bag.

Now, all of a sudden, I got eight rooms,
a family, and housemaid's knee.

But, well...

I don't know how to say it.

You don't have to.

I think I understand.

Like the old saw.

You know, when you're young, you go plant a tree.

And when you're getting old, you go sit
under the shade of it.

Mm-hmm.

You know, if 30 years ago, things had worked out differently,
we might be now sitting together under the same tree.

Disappointed?

You know me.

I never acknowledge anything but applause and good reviews.

Uh, Charles.

Do you think that a very thin, thin sliver
of that wonderful cake would be fattening?

Who cares?

Might as well make Slim Center work for their money.

Oh, my God.

Hold your breath.