05x36 - Uncle Charley and the Redskins

[bunniefuu]

Before.

The white man came to this continent, many Indian
tribes had already developed a high degree of civilization.

In the Northeast, the five nations of the
Iroquois were already governing themselves

through an intricate republican system and
living in an orderly manner.

They hunted, planted crops, encouraged
basket weaving, working of animal skins,

and making of tools.

They respected courage, but they also
respected intelligence.

As with any large group of people in any era,
some tribes were marauders, others peaceful.

It would be a mistake to think of all
Indians as alike, as a particular stereotype.

Gum wrapper.

Nickel.

Broken comb.

Lipstick.

Penny.

Lipstick.

Lipstick.

Time was a girl couldn't get past the
gangway of a man's ship.

Yeah?

How do you do?

My name is Paul Owlfeather.

Swell.

I'm Jack Chickenfat.

Well, I guess it does sound strange when you hear it cold.

I'm an Indian.

Custer went that way.

No, wait.

Have you ever heard of the Iwanani tribe?

Sure.

They run around in business suits and sh**t the settlers.

With their briefcases.

Well, it looks like I should have started
from the beginning.

May I come in?

Based on everything you've said so far, no.

Well, I can't say that I blame you, but...

You see, your house is standing on what
was once the Iwanani tribal grounds.

Listen, Jack, you're never going to sell
me anything with weird talk like that.

You got a sales pitch?

Out with it.

All right.

I have something here.

That will prove to me... I got dust rags all over this.

And if I may say so, that's a pretty mangy sample.

This is a map, Mr. Douglas.

It proves, if you could read it,
that our funeral mounds are right here.

And our tribal sacred circle was once in
the area where your backyard is right now.

Well, my name's O'Casey.

Mr. Douglas gets home about six.

Oh.

Oh, well, then I better come back.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Wait a minute.

Come on in.

Thank you.

Good luck.

I'll tell you right now, if you got
somebody that needs to be buried,

Steve won't let you start digging up the floor.

Of course not.

You know, at one time, the Iwananis roamed this whole area.

I'm the last chief.

You really an Indian?

One of my uncles used to pose for Nichols.

The only Indian I ever knew swiped 60
bucks out of my dressing room in Rochester.

That was just before I signed on the old Dana Davenport.

Oh, I'm sorry.

The point I wanted to make is...
His name was Ralph Fowleswamp.

Did you ever hear of him?

I'm afraid not.

He called himself Spirit Brains.

Go into a trance and steal your shoelaces, the crook.

Well, I guess we all have our bad apples.

He swiped my 60 bucks and ran off with my girl.

And she swiped my suitcase.

I am sorry.

If I ever catch up with him, I'll hit him over the head.

With her.

Perhaps I'd better come back and see Mr. Douglas.

No, no, no, no.

Come on, sit down.

You can tell me, you know.

What's your problem?

Well, every 24 years, my people,
by tradition, return to the sacred circle.

My father brought me here when I was a
small boy, and I must do the same for my son.

You want to go stare at the backyard?

Well, it amounts to more than that.

You see, there are ceremonies to be performed.

They only last a few days, and my family will be with me.

What happens to my washing?

I beg your pardon?

I got a routine around here, Owlfeather.

I can't have people stomping through the
yard, running into sheets.

I'm not knocking you.

You're a sacred circle or anything,
but you gotta see my side of it.

Yeah, sure, I'm listening, Charlie.

So I sent him on his merry way.

Oh, well, Charlie, would you get me some
socks out of the top drawer there?

This joker wants to set up a few teepees in the backyard.

And I'll need some half-chips, too.

He claims the warning he's used to live here.

The way he was dressed, he could buy the town back.

Boy, am I running late.

Hey, fellas, Joe Walters is picking me up.

Is he there yet?

No, but I hear a car outside.

Did I do the right thing about this, fellas?

About what, then?

Well, I was real polite.

I said, please, get lost.

Yeah, sure, sure.

OK, Mr. Walters, I'll tell him you're here.

Dad, Mr. Walters is here, and he says you're late.

I know I'm late.

I'll be right down.

Well, Chip, why don't you get Dad's hat and coat?

Dad, here's your briefcase.

Oh, thanks.

Here's your hat and coat.

Fine.

I'll be right out, Joe.

I'll only be gone a few days, but I'll
write or call or something.

Now, remember, Charlie's the boss.

You mind me.

Now, don't stay up too late on school nights.

I'll see you.

Okay, Dad.

Bye, Dad.

Have a nice trip.

Bye.

Well, there goes my dad and my A in geometry.

He won't be gone long enough for you to
flunk out completely.

How come Dad's so good in arithmetic and
he's practically never heard of an adverb?

Depends upon the skull bumps, Chipper.

Your dad's head happens to be lumpy on the arithmetic side.

Hello, young man.

I'm Mayor James Hall.

Yes, sir.

I've seen your picture and, uh... Well, uh,
did you want to come in or something, sir?

Well, I would like to talk to your father, yes.

Well, he's not, uh... Well, come on in.

Thank you.

Paul, gentlemen.

Well, well, well.

How are you, Mayor?

Good to see you, sir.

Well, excuse the way the house looks.

Oh, no, no.

Grab your anchor there.

Oh, thank you.

You know Mr. Allfeather, I'm told.

Oh, sure.

Paul, pull up the stool.

Oh, thank you.

Now, Mr. O'Casey, about the ceremony.

I talked it over with Mr. Douglas before
he left, and, uh, he agrees with me.

But we as a city want to show hospitality to the Awanidis.

Oh, this is their hunting ground.

Where your house is was their sacred circle.

Hey, me.

Chief Owlfeather tells me that it's a
matter of interfering with your washing.

But I'm sure I can have the city council send your
washing out for those few days at the city's expense.

You're catching my wrong side, Jack.

My paper will cover the entire ceremony,
and you'll figure prominently in our coverage.

Well, the answer is still no.

As long as you're taking notes,
the name is Charley O'Casey.

O-apostrophe-C-A-S-E-Y.

Mr. O'Casey, my tribe is prepared to reimburse you for
the $60 that was stolen from you by Ralph Foulswamp.

Yeah?

Only who's going to reimburse me, my girl?

Uncle Charley, come on.

We'd be the only people on the block with Indians.

We'll be the only city in the state with Indians.

And what's more important, the Indians
will be able to continue their tradition.

Well, we'll think about it.

But, uh, I want to see those pictures
before they get in the paper, you know.

Hey, how about a group shot?

Come on.

Come on.

Get that camera going, boy.

Come on.

That's it.

Well,

this is it, sweetheart.

Isn't this nice?

Yes.

We'll set up a sacred circle right here in the
backyard and our teepee and everything else.

What's so terrible about that?

They don't look scary or anything.

And where's their horses?

We'll have them scalp you later.

Right now, we'd better say hello.

Well, hiya, Paul.

Oh, Mr. O'Casey, it's good to see you again.

Good to see you.

I'd like you to meet my wife, Alice.

How do you do?

And Patricia, my daughter.

Hello.

And this is my son, Mark.

Hi.

And this is Chip and Robbie.

Hi.

How do you do?

Hi.

Mike is away on air reserve maneuvers.

Oh, and this is my mother, Running Deer.

Just make yourselves at home, folks.

That's kind, Mr. O'Casey.

Kind?

White man says same thing to ancestor.

And look what happened.

What was that, lady?

Oh, well, you see, Running Deer has never
forgiven your people for driving us off

this land, but really, Mr. O'Casey, she means no harm.

Did you tell her about my little run-in
with Ralph Fowl Swamp?

No.

No, no.

Not yet.

Ralph Fowl Swamp was one of those guys
that scalped tickets, and a few of his friends, lady.

So you see, it works both ways.

Squaw, ma'am.

Let's unload the truck.

It must be Mike.

Welcome home.

Hey, sir.

Did you ever hear of a tribe called the Iwanis?

Well, I bet if Mr. Alfeather saw Buffalo,
he wouldn't know what to do with it.

He's got a newer briefcase than my dad.

Boy, Chip, my dad says kids that don't
tell the truth grow up to be rotten.

I think you already are.

Mark, make Chip and his friend welcome to
our sacred circle.

Okay, Dad.

Hi, Chip.

Hi, Mark.

Only while we're in costume, you're
supposed to call me Swift Fox.

Isn't he gonna say how or anything?

I don't know.

This is my friend, Ernie Thompson.

Hi.

How?

You allowed to play with us, Swift Fox?

Sure.

What do you want to play?

How about cowboys and Indians?

Okay, I'll be a cowboy.

Okay, we'll be the Indians.

What are we supposed to do?

I don't know.

I never been an Indian.

We try not to let the fat drip into the fire.

The resultant flare-up could be perilous
for our inflammable wigwam.

If you want butter with this, forget it.

This is the way our ancestors ate it.

Boy, they had it rough.

You can say that again.

Mmm, it's good.

You, eat!

Corn cake, eat!

Make he fat belly.

I see you haven't eaten any lately.

Charlie, take it easy.

Whoa, man!

I'm sorry, Charlie, but my mother's bitter
the way you're bitter over Ralph Foulswamp.

Think of yourself as a therapy for her
bitterness, and eventually you'll both get well.

That's all I need, and I want any Sigmund Freud.

Well, looks like we have company, Charlie.

All right, all better.

Oh, come on, let's grab a shot of this.

Very colorful.

That'd be a good one to start with.

Just like that.

Charles O'Casey of Bryant Park is
generously allowing the Ohanonee tribe

sanctuary in what is really their own sacred circle.

We are all Americans, says O'Casey.

Shades of Ralph Fowles.

I don't believe it.

Operator, uh, I want a place a long
distance call to Bryant Park, please.

Hello?

Oh, Steve.

Sure we got Indians in the backyard.

No, just a couple.

I told you about them when you were packing.

Yeah, but I thought you said no deal.

I changed my mind.

The mayor and some newspaper guys dropped by, and it turns
out we'd have been anti-Briant Park if we didn't cooperate.

Well, uh, try to keep them from disturbing
the neighbors, huh?

And don't let them distract Rob and Chip
from their homework.

If there's any problem, you call me,
and I'll, uh, I'll try to cut this trip short.

Sure.

First, I'll call the 7th Cavalry, and then you.

Enjoy your trip.

Yeah, well, thanks, Charlie.

The Indians are friendly to us settlers.

So long, Steve.

Uh, so long, Charlie.

I don't believe it.

And this is our ceremonial altar,
where we keep our sacred sun stone.

Our original altar was destroyed a great many moons ago.

But our one and only sun stone has been
passed down from father to son.

Boy, she's kind of like watching history come alive.

Where's my granddaughter?

Has something happened to Patricia?

Where is she?

Tell me!

Well, I have no idea.

What's going on here?

Mama thinks something might have happened to Patricia.

Yes, the young pale-faced folk with her with four tongues.

You mean Robbie?

Mama, they're our hosts.

Lady, my Robbie wouldn't have anything to
do with your granddaughter.

Hi.

Hi.

You see, Mama?

Hey, what's the big powwow about?

And where have you been?

Well, I took Patricia down to the mall
shop and introduced her to the g*ng.

Patricia, you should have told us where you were.

Grandma's been worried.

You and your pale faces.

I'm sorry.

We just took a walk.

I met some very nice boys.

Boys?

Oh!

Oh!

I'm back.

Gee, I hope I didn't cause any trouble.

Ah, there's always one sore head in a group.

Come on, let's go back in the fort.

I mean, the house.

Mmm.

Smell is good, whatever it is.

What, what, what is it?

Tenderloin tip.

Well, what do you know?

I've been cooking Indian fashion without knowing.

No, do that!

But I'd like to taste it.

Steve would want me to... I'd like to
make an effort and meet you halfway.

Squaw man, when a woman cook for
man, in our law, it is a sign they are betrothed.

You mean if I eat this junk, we're married?

No.

That's better.

Engaged.

You're kidding.

Thanks again for picking me up, Joe.

Steve.

Oh, hello, Charley.

How's everything?

I'm sure glad you're home.

It's been rough.

Well, the boys are all right, aren't they?

Yeah, they're all right.

Well, then what's the matter?

The Indians.

All I did was eat some tenderloin tips.

You what?

And all of a sudden, I got me a squad the
size of Rhode Island.

You ate some tenderloin tips?

Oh, that reminds me, I got a roast in the oven.

Charley, what do you mean?

I'll tell you about it later.

What are.

They doing out there now?

Boy, if they keep up all this noise, the
neighbors are going to call the police.

Paul says it's part of the ceremony.

Well, what ceremony is this one?

Wedding ceremony.

Steve, I ain't marrying nobody.

If it even gets close, I'm signing on the
first ship out of here.

Dad, it sounds like they're mad at somebody.

I think they're on the warpath or something.

No, it's just a, well, it's nothing for
you fellas to worry about.

I guess we can sit down to eat, huh, Charley?

You suppose this is an Indian shotgun wedding?

No.

Dad?

Dad, they're getting pretty worked up out there.

I just, hey, what happened to the roast beef?

Nothing.

That's the way they see if it's done.

A feathered thermometer.

What about you guys?

But I'm getting scared.

Yeah, maybe we ought to call the police.

On second thought, though, they'd call the
mayor who brought the Indians here in the first place.

Well, that arrow didn't do my roast beef any good.

We ought to do something.

Yeah, well, I think it's time for O'Casey
to have pow-wow with Indian chief.

Personally, I'm not moving from the ranch house.

There it is.

Oh, I'm Paul Owlfeather.

Oh, how are you, Mr. Owlfeather?

I'm Steve Douglas.

How do you do, Mr. Douglas?

I'm terribly sorry about the arrow.

I came in to apologize for it, but my
boys aren't used to primitive weapons.

Wham, right through the window.

Fire in the face was aiming at a tree.

Well, he hit us right in the roast beef.

Nobody got hurt.

Mr. Owlfeather, as long as you're in here, why
don't we talk about this marriage between Mr.

O'Casey and your mother?

Nobody's marrying me off with tenderloin tips.

Isn't there some way to get him out of this?

I must carry out the traditions of my tribe.

Otherwise, I may as well turn in my headdress.

I'd be through as chief.

Can't we figure out some way to get you
off the hook with your elders?

I'm afraid not.

What if... What if Mr. O'Casey
turned out to be your brother?

My brother?

Mr. O'Casey?

Me?

Yeah.

I've heard of the custom you Indians have
of making someone your blood brother.

Oh, that, yeah.

So is a blood brother the same as a regular brother?

Blood brother is a relative.

Well, then, if Mr. O'Casey were your
brother... He couldn't marry my mother.

I should be in front of a cigar store.

You look lovely.

A little like Pocahontas.

Here.

You are both honorary Iwananese.

You may join the other braves.

Ug.

Ug.

That's the first Indian word I've heard
out of any of you since you got here.

Are you ready, Charley?

It's almost time.

Okay, I'm ready.

It is written in Iwanani law that we may
take a blood brother.

And I will take such a brother from among the pale faces.

Goodbye.

Goodbye, Patricia.

Goodbye.

Do we have to wait 24 years before we meet again?

I hope not.

Let's write.

And perhaps someday soon.

Squaw man, don't forget to write.

Write?

I'll send smoke signals.

My son, the Indian.

Thanks again.

Thanks for all your kindnesses.

Well, it was our pleasure.

Maybe it'll help to make up for all those
battles you keep losing in the West.

Good-bye.

Goodbye.

They're not just any private detectives.

They're Charlie's Angels.

They get the job done and look good doing it, too.

They're coming up next right here on TV
land, where TV satisfaction is guaranteed.