06x02 - Red Tape Romance

[bunniefuu]

Good morning, Douglas.

Oh, good morning, Dan.

All right, Charlie.

Hey, how come Ernie's all dressed up?

The county lady's coming to redistribute him.

Relocate.

Well, Ernie, you gonna be staying in a
new home or in that building down to the river?

Tom.

Uh, Rob.

It's okay, Mr. Douglas.

He can talk about it.

Rob, I, uh, I called Miss Colder last
night after Ernie had gone to sleep,

and, uh, she tells me the county has a
sort of relocation center.

I'm sure they'll find him a good home.

Just as nice as the home you had when you
lived down the street, Ernie.

Well, suppose these new people go to Japan
or something, like Ernie's other parents did.

Well, what happens to Ernie then, Dad?

Then they relocate me again.

It isn't all sweetness and light when
you're in the orphan again.

Uh, Dad, can I see a minute in the living room?

Oh, sure, Chip.

I have to tell my dad some junk about some
bad grades I think I'm going to get an algebra.

Okay.

Can I have that piece of burnt toast over there?

It's not burnt, it's just a little well done.

My teacher says carbon's good for the teeth.

Dad, if you had a friend who was looking
for a room, and you knew somebody that had

a brother that just got married,
and they had this room, and this other

brother moved into it, and that left a whole empty bed.

What would you do?

Chip, how are your marks and grammar at school?

Okay.

Dad, suppose you were this kid.

I know what you're trying to say, Chipper.

And I guess I'd do exactly the same thing.

Try to find some way of having my friend
use that extra bed.

Indeed.

But, Chip, there are several problems.

One, the county has its own rules and
regulations about the boarding of children.

Two, would it be wise to have Ernie stay
here until they find a foster home for him?

Why couldn't we be his foster home?

Well, I don't know, Chip.

There's so many things to consider.

Well, he can stay right up in my room, and he
can go to the same school he's been going to.

And if he eats too much, I'll pay for it
out of my allowance.

And then, Chip, we have a problem with Uncle Charley.

What?

Well, Ernie seems to rub him the wrong way.

Oh, sometimes Uncle Charley hates Robbie even worse.

You know, Dad, we've got a real terrible problem.

Uncle Charley doesn't like anybody.

Well, sometimes it looks that way,
Chip, but he really does.

Uncle Charley is what is known as a crusty
character with a heart of gold.

Uncle Charley!

You want to hear a story that'll tear your heart up?

Oh, Uncle Charley went to the stove for
something and Wilson got in between his legs.

And then tr*mp got in from someplace and
Uncle Charley fell on the floor for some reason.

For some reason.

Your fat-headed dog tripped me.

And then tr*mp and Wilson had this fight.

Right on top of Uncle Charley.

How come Uncle Charley's so wet?

Because your friend soaked me with a pan
of dirty dish water, that's why.

Why?

Come on.

Come on and help me up there, will you?

Uncle Charley, he was just trying to stop the fight.

Yeah, well, he just started one.

Hey, Steve, you and me have got to have a little talk.

Shouldn't it be you and I?

Ernie, I think maybe you and Chip better
go up to your room for a little while, hmm?

Okay, Mr. Douglas.

Hello, Wilson.

Is Uncle Charley sore about something?

I guess maybe you shouldn't have thrown the water on him.

Steve, you know what I'm going to do with that kid?

I'm going to take him to Zanzibar or
someplace and put him up for the sl*ve market.

And then I'm going to buy him myself for a
dime because that's all he's worth.

And then I'm going to feed him to the
butchers because they have some of the

greatest buzzers in Zanzibar you ever heard of.

And when they get through with him, then I'm going
to... Charlie, Charlie, I don't blame you for being upset.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

Be grateful because he nearly broke my
back and then tried to drown me?

But it was just an accident.

Little boys do things before they think sometimes.

I'll get it.

Charley, sit down, will you?

I want to talk.

I can take whatever you got to say standing up.

Hello.

Hi.

I'm Miss Coulter from the county
children's welfare department.

I'm here about Ernest Thompson.

Oh, fine.

I mean, swell.

Won't you please come in, Miss Coulter?

Thank you.

I'll go get my dad.

Is anything wrong?

No.

I mean, uh, well, no.

I'll go get my dad.

Well, let's put it this way.

You keep that little joker in this house,
and you look for a new mate.

Dad.

Just a minute, Rob.

Charley, the county may not even consider it,
but I think we ought to explore the possibilities.

Dad.

You explore.

My exploring license just expired.

Dad.

What's eating you?

Well, nothing.

Dad, Miss Coulter's here.

Oh.

Dad.

Now, you remember a while back when we had that
talk about you being too old on his own in your head?

Robbie, let's not go into that again.

I have now decided that I'm not quite that old
and I may survive in the next couple of weeks.

But Dad, you still have this weird idea that you're
not young enough to go out and meet new girls.

Let's talk about it later.

But Dad, later's too late.

She's here now.

Now's the time to combine business with pleasure.

And by the way, I noticed you wasn't wearing a wedding.

Well, that's true.

What are you?

Dear Miss Lonely Hearts, all of a sudden,
let your dad go out there and talk to the dame.

Charlie's right.

And tell her to take Ernie and Coolidge or
whatever his name is out of here or else.

I almost called her.

I'm sorry to have kept you waiting.

We were having a little discussion in the kitchen.

That's all right, Mr. Douglas.

Is Ernest ready?

Yes, I'm sure he's ready.

Ernie, Miss Kohler's here.

Coming.

Ernie seems to handle these adjustments pretty well.

I mean, moving from house to house like this.

Oh, he's had two foster homes before.

One when he was very small and the one
you're familiar with.

We were hoping the Thompsons would be able
to adopt him, but economic pressures prevented it.

I see.

I think we've found him a very good home now.

Well, I'm glad to hear that.

Hi, Miss Walter.

Hello, Ernest.

You can call me Ernie if you want to.

When people call me Ernest, I feel like
I'm going to get in trouble.

All right, Ernie.

And you can call me Ernie.

How can?

How come?

Well, it's short for Ernestine.

You ready to go?

Yes, ma'am.

Thanks for letting me stand everything, Mr. Douglas.

And all right, you guys.

And you can sell my skateboarding junk, Chip.

And I think it's neat you're finally
getting to go to college, Robbie.

And thanks for not smacking me when I made
you lose your time.

Thank you for your temper, Uncle Charley.

I outweigh you.

It wouldn't have been fair.

I know you never liked me and Wilson, but I was
hoping to be around long enough to grow on you.

Better luck next time.

My chicken hands goodbye.

Goodbye.

So long, Ernie.

So long, Chip.

Well, now, we'd better go.

Bye, Ernie.

Come on, Wilson.

Oh, Ernie.

Um, you're not going to be able to take the dog.

But it's the only family I got left.

Well, they don't allow dogs at the
relocation center, Ernie.

You know that.

Hey, I tell you what.

I'll ask your new foster family and see if
we can't take him there, okay?

No.

I mean, no, man.

He gets scared real easy and everything.

Don't you worry, Ernie.

We'll take care of Wilson for you until
you go to your new home.

You will?

Oh, sure we will, Ernie.

Chip knows what he likes to eat.

Yeah, I'll let him sleep on my feet and everything.

Hmm.

That means tr*mp gets in bed with me.

I guess I can stand her for a while.

Well?

Well, it's like Ernie said, it's not all
sweetness and light in the orphan game.

Yeah.

How you could let that woman haul that kid out of
here without raising a hand is clear beyond me, Steve.

But, Charlie, you were the one that said
you'd leave if you stayed.

Since when did anybody ever pay any
attention to what I said around here?

Now, Dad, here's what you should say to her.

Play it real smooth, sir.

Hello, I would like to speak to you about
Ernie, but I'm afraid my time is limited.

How about lunch?

Will you please go away?

Okay, Dad, then don't play it real smooth,
but at least take her out to lunch.

Hello, I'd like to speak to Miss Coulter, please.

Dad, honestly... Please go away, will you?

But, Dad, there's something about kicking
things around at lunch that beats staring

at a picture of President Washington in somebody's office.

Okay, I'm going.

Oh, hello, Miss Coulter.

Lunch.

This is Mr. Douglas, Stephen Douglas.

Oh, Mr. Douglas.

How are you?

I'm fine.

Miss Coulter, after you left, it occurred to me that, well,
we might make some other arrangements about Ernie.

How is he, by the way?

He's a little homesick for his dog,
and he misses your son, Chunk.

But otherwise, he's fine.

It's Chip, miss.

What?

Chip, not Chunk.

Oh, yes.

Is there something you wanted, Mr. Douglas?

Well, we thought we might be able to board
Ernie here for a while, and maybe

eventually make this his foster home, if that's possible.

Oh?

Could we discuss it?

Oh, yes, of course.

When would be a good time for you?

Lunch.

Lunch?

Well, I'll be busy working all morning.

The only time I have free, I'm afraid, is around noon.

Uh-huh.

Well, why don't we talk it over, over lunch?

Over what?

Lunch.

The blue candle.

Yes, how about the blue candle?

Oh, yes, that would be fine.

Yes, I'll meet you there.

Fine, about one O'clock.

Good.

Table for one, monsieur?

Oh, right now, I'm worried about bumping
into a post or something.

Oh, the eyes become accustomed quickly.

Table for one.

You're safe, Mr. Douglas.

This is the gentleman I was expecting.

Oh, hi.

I can't see you very well, but I recognize the voice.

I had the same trouble when I came in here.

Hey.

Can you see better now?

Yeah, a little.

You know, I think I've always had slow eyes.

Remember when I was a kid and I'd go to a matinee movie?

I'd go in out of the sunshine and I'd have
a dickens of a time finding a seat.

You look...

You look fine.

Thank you.

So do you.

Thank you.

Well, shall we order?

Yeah, yeah.

Hi.

Hi.

Wilson feels kind of clunky.

Think we ought to call the vet or something?

No, he just misses Ernie.

Think Dad will get that Miss Coulter to
let Ernie stay with us?

Well, I hope so, but that's only half the problem.

What's the other half?

Well, ever since Mike got married,
Dad's been thinking he's an old man.

He is.

You think he's old because you're still a squirt.

Excuse me, Chip, I've got a little maneuvering to do.

Don't worry, Wilson.

Dad will get Ernie back.

A phone call for you from London, Mr. Douglas.

From London?

Well, nobody knows I'm here.

Secretaries have a way of finding people.

Hello.

Now, don't act surprised or anything, Dad.

It's just me.

Why are you calling me here?

Dad, now listen.

It doesn't hurt to impress girls when you
take them out, so will you just call me.

Lord Stimson real loud so she can hear you?

Look, Lord Stimson, I'd rather not discuss it right now.

Now, why don't I call you back later in the day, hmm?

Hey, did they put you at one of those tables
where it looks like you're eating near the river?

Yes, as a matter of fact, they did.

Now, Dad, when you get through talking
about Ernie, tell her she has real neat hair.

I think it's too early in your
relationship to pull the beautiful eyes pit.

Well, why don't you tell her that she
looks like someone you had a crush on?

Lord Stimson, if you don't mind,
I'd like to handle this in my own way.

But, Dad, you... Dad?

He's stubborn.

Thank you, Monsieur.

That's quite a character, Stimpson.

I still don't know how he knew I was here.

Well, Miss Coulter, what do you think?

About Ernie, I mean.

Oh, well, I don't know.

You see, there's no woman in your home.

There hasn't been a woman in our home in 11 years.

And the county wouldn't take my other boys
away because of that, would they?

Oh, no, of course not.

It's just that the children's... The children's
welfare department does have its rules.

Yes, I know.

Perhaps I could refer your case to Miss Miller.

Miss Miller?

My department head.

She's very strict where rules are
concerned, but she's a very nice person.

I'm sure she is.

She might drop in on you.

Oh, you mean to sort of check us out?

Yes.

Well.

It's a lovely restaurant, isn't it?

Do you get the feeling that you're sitting
next to the scent?

Yes.

You have very neat hair.

Thank you.

Well, shall we go?

Yes.

Paris calling, Monsieur Douglas.

You know someone in Paris, too?

Just someone named Cupid.

Would you do me a favor?

Tell him you're Monsieur Douglas and sing
the Marseillaise to him.

Hello?

Hiya, Monsieur Douglas.

You gotta cut them rags up and spoil my
vacuum job, huh, Chip?

The cloth is to show how air pushes junk
when you're tied to the fan.

School projects are always a mess.

You've got enough strips there to open up a ribbon store.

Hey, Commodore, you couldn't repair the
Queen Mary out in the garage, could you?

It's cold out there, and cold makes the glue dry too fast.

Answers.

You ask questions, all you get is answers.

How do you do?

I'm Miss Miller.

How do you do it?

Turn that thing off.

I'm Miss Miller.

I'm from the county children's welfare.

Miss Miller said you might drop by.

We didn't expect you so soon.

Miss Miller, I mean, you seem to have
caught us at a bad time.

Miss Miller?

Naturally, Miss Miller pulled up, Hank.

What did you guys expect?

Anything wrong with the eggs?

No.

No, they're okay.

Uh, none for me, Charlie, thanks.

Well, what's the matter with you guys?

What are you sitting down at the table for
if you're not hungry?

Sorry, Uncle Charlie.

Yeah, me too.

Well, there's no use crying over spilled beer.

Chip had a pick last night to fly ribbons,
and Robbie had to launch that balloon he

calls a raft, and you looked like one of
those dead-a*s kids.

Says it, Rats, I keep seeing on that plate show.

Hi, Uncle Charley.

You have the shirts all over the place.

Chip, the only one I'm concerned about is Ernie.

Well, Dad, he'll be all right, won't he?

I mean, didn't you tell us that Miss
Coulter had another family lined up?

Would you excuse me, please?

Me too.

Aren't you hungry either, Uncle Charley?

Yeah, I'm hungry.

I just don't feel like eating.

Well, Miss Miller.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm, I thought so.

I thought so.

Now, that was quite a chivalry you threw last night.

I guess our timing was a little off.

Miss Coulter may have told you I'm a little unorthodox.

But I say that any house that's as clean as
this at 8 O'clock in the morning can't be all bad.

How often do things explode around here
the way they did last year?

Once a month, Mrs. Miller.

Well, it varies, but I can assure you
we... Don't assure me anything, young man.

I never listen to words.

I observe.

Besides, I had five brothers.

We can't allow you to adopt the boy because
I understand there's no woman in the house.

But...

How about a trial foster home situation?

Now, mind you, I said trial.

Now, there's a nice day.

We'd like that very much, Miss Miller.

When do we get Ernie?

Can we pick him up?

There's no need for that.

All right, Miss Calder.

He just thinks he's coming for a visit.

We haven't told him yet.

Hi, Mr. Douglas.

Hi, Chip.

Hi, you, Wilson.

Boy, am I glad to see you.

Ernie, Mr. Douglas has a question he'd like to ask you.

Well, Ernie, uh...

How would you like to stay here with us for a while?

You mean live here?

Like I... like I belonged here?

Maybe you do belong here.

That's what we're going to find out.

Wilson, too?

Sure, Wilson, too.

What do you say, Ernie?

Here we go.

I think I want to cry, dear.

And I don't want to be in the middle of
people when it happens.

Right, uh, here, huh?

Yes.

I'm sorry there were so many.

After a full day at the office,
I imagine you're tired of signing papers.

Oh, I don't mind.

I'm sure everything's gonna work out fine.

And who knows, maybe one of these days
we'll be able to adopt Ernie.

Mr. Douglas.

I know there's no woman in the house, so we can't,
but, uh, maybe they'll change the rules or something.

There, I guess that does it, huh?

I believe so.

Well, fine.

Oh, oh, uh, my pen.

Oh, that's, I'm sorry.

Dad.

Yeah, Rob.

Uh, Dad, that restaurant called,
and they think you better get there a few

minutes before 8 if you don't want them to
give away your table.

So, uh, well, I think you better get moving.

Uh, restaurant?

Yeah, you know, the, uh, the Coach and Steeds?

You remember you reserved a table for two?

Did you, uh, forget to ask Miss Coulter?

Well, yes.

Yes, I, yes, I forgot to mention it.

We were so busy signing the papers.

Uh, are you busy tonight, Miss Coulter, or could you
have dinner with me at the, uh... Oh, Coach and Steeds.

Coach and Steeds.

I keep forgetting the name of the place.

Could you?

I'd love to.

Well, fine.

I'll, uh... I'll get my hat.

I reserved the table next to the fountain,
so make sure that's the one he gives you.

Dad, I can tell she likes it, so why don't
you tell her she has great eyes?

Robbie, I appreciate what you're trying to
do, but would you please let me...

But, Dad, there can be no harm
in these two... Robbie... She is...

Well, I'm sorry, but you're going to have to excuse me.

I have a reservation at the... Coach of Steeds.

Yes.

Eyes.

All set.

Hey,

Uncle Charley, you all right?

You want to hear a story that'll tear your heart out?

Some knucklehead let tr*mp here,
and him and Coolidge got in a fight,

and Chip and Foster Fred here tried to
stop it by hitting him with a mop,

and it's usual time to punch him in the back.

Get those dogs out of here.

Get them out.

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