06x03 - Brother Ernie

[bunniefuu]

I don't.

Know what trouble you guys been in this time.

Uncle Charley, how come you think we're in trouble?

Yeah, you didn't even look at us.

When two kids come in and don't go
straight to the icebox or ask for cake or

brag about something they did at school,
they're either in trouble or they've been in a fight.

Yeah, you've been in a fight.

And you, you didn't use your left the way I told you.

The guy was in back of Chip that hit him there.

The guy in front was hitting him in the stomach.

What were you doing all the time?

Cheering him on?

He was busy fighting three girls.

Three girls?

Yeah, who wants to fight them boys?

They don't have any rules.

How many times have I told you guys not to fight?

Once.

Plenty.

And how many times have I told you if you got a fight, win?

Well, I think we won.

Anyway, the guys quit fighting and ran away.

You can't tell who won with girls.

They cry a lot.

Don't you want to know what we were fighting?

About?

Not especially.

Okay.

Come back here.

These girls said Ernie and me are real brothers
because the county pays us to be his foster parents.

So anyway, I was walking by Ernie's school on the way home.

When I heard him saying all that rotten
junk, I hit this kid in the stomach so I

wouldn't break my knuckles like he told me.

The girls was my own idea.

And then this one great big rotten girl said that
you were a bunch of cheapskates to take the money.

And then these two guys heard what she said.

They said Ernie was a secondhand kid.

I'm not a secondhand kid.

Am I, Uncle Charley?

You're the finest little knothead I've ever seen.

Hey, no kidding?

No kidding.

A secondhand kid?

That's what they called him.

Chip happened to come by and there was a little
riot going on for a while, but the damage was done.

The little squirt's really going to think
he's a secondhand kid if this keeps up.

You sound as though you had a solution.

Sure I have.

Why don't we adopt him?

Adopt who?

That's what I like, a nice private
conversation with nobody butting in.

Are you talking about adopting Ernie, Dad?

Yeah, Ron.

Charlie, I've gone through this down at the
county office I don't know how many times.

We can't adopt Ernie.

Why not?

We a bunch of typhoid Marys or something?

Because the adoptions people have a rule
that there must be a woman in the home full time.

If you're talking about a wife, say a wife.

I'm not talking about a wife.

Ernestine, Miss Colder said an aunt or a
grandmother would do.

It seems the county feels there should be a balance
of sexes in the home to give the boy a true home life.

Well, that lets us out.

Even the dogs are boys around here.

Dad, you said an important word a minute ago.

What did I say?

Ernestine.

Oh.

Don't start that romance stuff again with your dad.

No, don't you get it, Dad?

You're going out with Miss Coulter once in a while anyway.

Maybe she can think of some loophole
that'll get Ernie in the house without a woman.

All right, I'll talk it over with her again, but don't tell
Ernie about it because I don't think there's a chance.

Dad, I know I sound like a pest, but, well,
honest, there are a few things you should know.

For instance, this lunch bit is okay, but
daytime will get you nowhere with the girls.

Good night, Robbie.

Hey, Dad, daylight is full of people.

And even if you do get a girl alone someplace,
they don't like you to get too close to them in the light.

You know, they're afraid you might see
that they have sandpapers.

Rob, I don't know what to do if you don't mind.

But, Dad, moonlight's been great for so long because
it's not quite bright enough for a guy to see all the flaws.

Why don't you put it out in the psychopedia, Rock?

You'd make a fortune.

Come on, get in.

Oh, not again.

No.

Now, Jameson and Wilson beat him up a little bit.

Yeah, I guess Wilson's a secondhand dog, too.

Secondhand child.

What a terrible thing to say.

Well, kids can be pretty cruel sometimes.

I know, Steve.

But adoption, I don't know.

Our rules are pretty strict.

I know.

There has to be a woman in the home.

Well, maybe one of these days you'll get married.

Then your problem will be solved.

Maybe I will someday.

But Ernie's problem is right now.

At least it seems that way to him.

He, uh, well, he just doesn't have any
answers for the other kids.

Do you remember Miss Miller?

The lady who put Ernie in your home as a county ward?

Oh, of course.

I think I'll put it up to her.

She may be able to come up with something.

It'd be wonderful if she could.

Steve.

Whatever made you think of bringing me to
a restaurant like this for lunch?

It's charming.

Oh.

It's just a hunch, I guess.

Why, would you care for more coffee?

Oh, no, thank you.

I'd better get back to the office.

Maybe I can catch Miss Miller.

Uh, waiter.

It's a Portman here.

Can I have the check, please?

Oh, yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

I'm afraid there's just no way out, Mr. Douglas.

Well, it just doesn't seem right.

I mean, when so many children need homes.

You see, Stephen, Mr. Douglas has the room.

He has the income.

He even has someone who stays here all day.

I know that.

I'm trying to think of some way to get
around the letter of the law.

There's no marriage in sight for you, Mr. Douglas.

Ernie's problem is more immediate than that, Miss Miller.

Yes, well, like yesterday at school.

Chip, Ernie, get in here.

They're out in the garage with the dogs, Uncle Charlie.

What are they doing out in the garage with the dogs?

Giving them a wax job?

Yes!

I'm sorry, Miss Miller.

Uncle Charley was in the merchant marine
and he sort of runs the house like a ship.

Now, as I was saying... Oh, Dad.

Excuse me.

Oh, Rob, you know Miss Calder and Miss Miller.

Hi, good to see you again.

Dad, have you seen Uncle Charley's sewing box?

Yeah, I think it's on the table next to my
chair in the living room.

Oh, thanks.

He's got a sewed butt on the shirt for me.

You see, Miss Miller, we feel that we have
a pretty well-run house here.

Hey, Dad, that's his old sewing box.

Excuse me again.

Where's the new one?

We gave him for his birthday.

I don't know, Rob.

Look, we're busy in here.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Uncle Charley, what are you hollering about?

I'm right under your fat nose.

Now, here's the list for the market.

Now, you'll notice there's nothing on
there that says about potato chips or cookies.

So don't come back with a bunch of junk I can't use.

How about a penny doodle bar?

Bad for the teeth.

Get lost.

Uncle Charley, you collecting for needy
sailors or something?

No sewing box.

I need a button sewn on my shirt.

On that shirt?

How many times you have to wear something
before you let me wash it?

This goes in the washbasin.

I'll wash it with those filthy britches you
wore under the car fix and the mufflers.

Chip, when I call you, you show up or I'll
blast the barnacles off your seat.

I don't think he knows we're in here.

Chip, I call you once more and there's
going to be smoke coming from your sit-down.

Are you okay, little mate?

Oh, he fell down that stupid stairs.

He fell down the stairs.

Did you hurt yourself, Chip?

No, I'm okay.

You folks been in there all the time?

Oh, we were not dropping.

Oh, I don't care about that.

I didn't get a chance to vacuum in there.

It must be a mess.

What were you doing upstairs when Robbie
said you were in the garage?

I have a shortcut to my room.

Yeah, what kind of a shortcut?

From the driveway up the drain pipe and through the window?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, well, I got a bulletin for you, Tarzan.

You break that drain pipe and it's going
to cost your dad a few bucks.

And you break your head and I got to go
visit you in the hospital.

And I ain't got no time for that jazz.

I got a house to run.

I'm sorry, Mr. Douglas.

I really am.

I know.

Oh, thanks anyway, Miss Miller.

I'll call you, Miss Stephen.

All right, Steve.

Bye.

The things I put up with around here.

Nobody comes home on time.

Nobody comes to the table when I call them.

I didn't know that.

Hello?

Yes, Ernestine.

Really?

Really?

Who's on the phone?

Does she think it'll work?

Who's calling this time of night?

What's going on?

Well, that's wonderful.

Well, thanks for calling.

You know, I'm glad you didn't wait till morning.

Yeah, goodbye.

Charley, you're about to become a mother.

Let me understand you correctly.

You want me to name Mr. O'Casey as the ipso
facto mother in the Douglas household, Miss Miller?

Yes, Your Honor.

Your Honor, I've outlined the facts and
reasons in the dossier on your desk.

Yes, I've read it.

I may say this whole approach strikes me
as strange, to say the least.

It hit me a little weird, too, Judge.

Oh, it's okay, Steve.

The judge here don't want me to put on a big phony act.

Right, Judge?

Right, Mr. O'Casey.

Do you actually cook for the boys?

Cook, wash, clean up, ball them out,
tell them bedtime stories, yell at them,

wash for them, go to the market,
deprive them of their privileges when they

horse around too much, and all the wild
stuff the other mothers in the neighborhood do.

You left out one important word, Mr. O'Casey.

I did?

Oh, yeah, spank.

I never lay a hand on them.

That's a father's job.

That wasn't the word I had in mind.

I meant love.

Oh, heck, Judge, I love the little rats.

Your Honor, Your Honor, a parental love in
a house full of men may not be,

well, it might not be quite as open and affectionate
as it would be with a woman around, but it's there.

I've seen it in action, Your Honor.

The house is full of warmth and understanding.

I've seen it, too.

I see.

Now, you mentioned bedtime stories.

What type of thing do you tell the boys?

Well, Moby d*ck is good.

He was a whale.

Thank you.

That three bears and Cinderella junk is for the birds.

You know, I make up a lot of stuff like
the one I tell them about the stupid

prince who balled up the works by
forgetting to put a bottom on the Princess.

The Princess is the name of a ship.

To tell the truth, after reading Miss
Miller's dossier, I had reached a

conclusion, pending meeting the applicants, of course.

Boy, what are they doing there?

I'm getting nervous.

Maybe they all went to sleep.

Miss Coulter said that's the judge's chambers.

I don't think they go to sleep in the judge's chambers.

That was supposed to be a joke.

Yeah, only something keeps jumping around
my stomach and makes me too scared to laugh.

Boy, that's great, Judge.

Except there's one thing.

What's that?

Is it going to be written down that I'm
lady of the house like you said?

You know, I still got a lot of friends in
the merchant marine and if they get wind

of this, well, I'll be the laughing stock of
every quarter deck from here to Singapore.

It'll be written down, Mr. O'Casey,
but I assure you that no one will see it

except a few stuffed shirt lawyers like myself.

Well, that's okay, then.

Judge Leland, will Uncle Charley actually
be recorded as the lady of the house?

Well, it's what we call a legal fiction,
something which is recognized as a fact,

but which is not, in fact, a fact for legal purposes.

Ain't it amazing how an education can get in the way of
somebody saying something other people can't understand?

Well, don't you think we ought to tell Ernie?

Yes.

Ernie?

Ernie, would you come here, please?

Can't you come in?

No, not right now, dear.

Would you look over and stand by Judge Leland?

He has something to tell you.

Yes, sir?

Ernie, first I want to ask you something.

Would you like to live with the Douglas family?

Forever, I mean.

Why, yeah.

I mean, yes, sir.

You will actually be a part of the family, which
means that what they decide for you, you must do.

If Mr. O'Casey thinks that you should be punished in
some way, as a mother might punish you, you must obey.

If Mr. Douglas gives you less allowance
than the other boys, as a father might do

because you're the younger, you must accept this.

You'll find, Ernie, that the other boys
and you will not always agree.

Living in a new home is not one long, perpetual Christmas.

Do you understand these things, Ernie?

Yes, sir.

Are you trying to tell me something, Mr. Judge?

Yes, Ernie.

There are a lot of papers to sign and a
trial period to be gotten through.

But as of this moment, I believe we can
safely say your name is Ernest Stanley Douglas.

Huh?

What Judge Leland means, Ernie, is that from now
on, Uncle Charley will really be your Uncle Charley.

And I'll be your father from now on, Ernie.

Hi, Chip.

Hi.

That didn't take long.

What happened?

I'm your brother.

Oh.

Hey, let's go get a root beer.

I got a quarter.

I hope you weren't expecting too much.

For Chip and Ernie, that was a wild, emotional scene.

You know, you gotta quit fighting and
being such a rotten dog.

What do you ever do to you?

Boy, Wilson.

Good thing he's such a scared dog.

You got teeth almost as big as his.

All you have to do is bite him back
instead of running all the time.

Boy, Ernie, quit telling them to bite tr*mp.

I'm telling tr*mp not to bite him.

Yeah, but it's easier for you to say junk
like that when your dog always wins the fights.

If Wilson bites him back just once, they'll quit fighting.

Yeah, well, don't tell Wilson to bite tr*mp.

Tell him to bark at him or lean on him.

Don't bite him.

I've got an idea.

Why don't we follow tr*mp's teeth down flat?

No.

Now we're going to go over there and
you're going to be nice to Wilson, okay?

Wilson wants to beat up your...

He's got a complex, he's got to get it good.

I think he's kind of chicken too.

Hey, Dad, have you got a tie that'll go
better with this suit?

All right, fellas, come on, let's shove off.

I made reservations for 7.30.

Come on.

Come on, you guys, I've been ready for hours.

All right, everybody all set?

We don't want to be late for the family celebration.

Eh, celebration enough just for me not to cook.

Never mind, we got a new member of the family around here.

Hurry those guys up, will you?

We'll get the car out, Rob.

Hey, come on, you guys.

Dad's getting the car out.

Hey, what's eating you guys?

Chip's sore because Wilson finally beat up tr*mp.

He didn't beat him up.

He bit him while his back was turned, and you laughed.

Yeah, well, it was okay when tr*mp was beating up Wilson.

But the minute tr*mp loses, you can't take him.

Yeah?

Well, hey, knock it off.

Here you guys haven't been brothers for
more than half a day, and you're already fighting.

He wants Wilson to sleep in here.

Tell him he can't.

Well, Chip, he's our brother.

I mean, our real brother.

If he wants Wilson to sleep in here, why don't you let him?

Well, where's tr*mp gonna sleep?

In the garage?

He's afraid Wilson will beat up tr*mp again.

I am not.

You are so.

That's enough.

Now, listen, you guys are gonna get down in
that car, and you're gonna act like nothing's wrong.

You get the message?

Yeah, okay.

Yeah.

You're not gonna wreck this dinner for Dad
and Uncle Charley, so I don't wanna hear

one word about tr*mp and Wilson in that restaurant.

What are you all of a sudden, our parents?

Do you know what they had to go through to
get Ernie into this family?

You have any idea?

Okay, okay.

I'll try to look like I can stand Ernie,
just for Dad's sake.

Me too, but it isn't gonna be easy.

Uh,

Dad, what you've got to do is find yourself a
little place like this that you can call your restaurant.

You know, some place to come to and talk
about in later years.

I can see why Miss Coulter... Quiet, Robbie.

Why aren't you fellas eating your dessert?

What's the matter with the strudel and ice cream?

It's the same as apple pie a la mode.

Uh, Dad, what you should do next is take her dancing.

Even if you can't think of anything to say, it's a good
deal, you know, because you're holding her in your arms.

You've been taking magpie pills or something.

You guys sick?

Uh-uh.

No.

Well, something's wrong.

You hardly touched the rest of your dinner,
and now you're pushing your dessert around.

And those steaks you mauled around cost $3.90.

Dad, I think you and Uncle Charlie ought
to leave them alone.

Rob, would you let me handle this?

No, no, honest, Dad.

I think this is one of those psychological things
where they really can't quite believe what's happened.

Anything you say is just bringing it out in the open.

Hogwash.

The little creeps are sore at each other.

Now, wait a minute, Charlie.

Maybe Rob's right.

Well, anyway, I think if you fellas are
through with it, might as well go, huh?

Waiter, check, please.

Yes, sir.

Here you are, sir.

The missus couldn't come tonight?

No, not tonight.

I've spent a more pleasant evening at a m*ssacre.

Yeah, well, I'll have a talk with the little lads.

Hey, Ernie, look.

They're not mad at each other anymore.

No, they're not mad at each other anymore.

Now that you're friends again, everybody up the bed.

Come on, up the bed.

Fellas.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Ernestine.

We just got back from our celebration.

And I'm sorry you couldn't be there with us.

Dad.

Just a minute, Ernestine.

What is it, Rob?

Dad, if she thanks you for anything, don't act surprised
because I forgot to tell you I sent her a box of candy.

You what?

I sent her a box of candy.

And then I wrote, thanks for all the help.

The world is better for me because you're in it.

You wrote what?

I wrote what I told you, Dad.

And then I signed it affectionately, you're Steve.

Yours?

Robbie?

Dad, I'm sorry, but I know you like her.

And I knew you'd never get around to doing
anything romantic.

So I sent her the box of candy.

And I sent her two dozen yellow roses.

Well, good night, Dad.

Good night.

Hello, Ernestine, Robbie just had...

Oh, no, no, no, I wasn't trying to overwhelm you.

Ernestine, how about going dancing tomorrow night?

We could have dinner first and...

Oh, fine.

Fine, I'll pick you up around seven, huh?

Good.

And this time it's my idea.

Oh, nothing, Ernestine.

Yeah, fine, I'll see you tomorrow night.

Good night.

Or was it my idea?

So this weirdo king, he dug and dug and dug.

But nobody told the stupid Jasper that he
was digging in quicksand.

So it kept caving in on him.

Then this donkey came along.

Hiya, Steve, we're almost finished.

Everything all right, now, boys, huh?

Swell?

Yeah, neat.

Well, it was a good day.

Ernie?

Thanks for taking us on as your family.

We'll try to do a good job for you.

I think everybody's neat.

Good night, boys.

Mr. Douglas?

Is it okay if I call you Dad?

I knew there was something missing around
here, and that was it.

I'm sure you can call me Dad.

Good night, son.

Good night, Dad.

Good night, sugar.

Good night, Dad.

Like I was saying, so this donkey looked
at the fat-headed king and laughed.

Well, nobody likes to be laughed at by a
donkey, so the king threw a shovel at him.

Well, the minute he did that, he began to
sink and sink and sink.

This weekend, saddle up your horse and ride
that dusty trail to TV Land's Big Sky Country.

That's where you'll find vintage TV westerns.

So mosey on by today at 1 O'clock Eastern, 10 A.M.

Pacific, when TV Land goes west.

Now stay tuned for Rhoda.

She's next in TV Land.