06x11 - The Ernie Report

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Here.

Next time, watch where you sit.

Hey, Lee.

Maybe I should have sewn in my initials.

I can see some of the stitches, though.

Don't back up to anybody, and they won't
know the difference.

Thanks.

Ah, a woman's work is never done,
especially when a man's doing it.

Say, Uncle Charlie, have you seen my blue sweater?

I put it in your drawer where it belongs.

Oh, no wonder I couldn't find it.

Hi, Uncle Charley.

Did Dad call?

No.

Here's your shirt.

Oh, thanks.

Almost as good as the Chinese laundry.

What do you mean, almost?

If Hip Sing Lee had a coke-cleaning shop besides
washing iron, his shirts wouldn't look half as good.

Maybe I should have given you some lychee nuts with it.

I guess I'm just tired.

Well, maybe you need a change.

Yeah.

Hello?

What's that?

The last state in the union, alphabetically.

Hey, Robbie, is there a state starting
with a Z, an X, or a Y?

Epically, uh, Wisconsin.

Uh, Wisconsin?

No, no, I mean Wyoming, Wyoming.

No, no, Wyoming, Wyoming.

Yeah?

I did?

No kidding.

First prize?

Well, how about that?

Yeah.

When?

Tonight?

Sure.

Of course I'll be there.

Where?

Eight O'clock on the dot.

Bye.

Thanks for helping me, Robbie.

I'd have blown it without you.

Blown what?

The quiz.

I just won a free dance lesson at the dance studio.

Well, no kidding.

Yeah.

Well, do you want to take a dancing lesson?

Of course I want it.

It's free.

But, I mean, with the kind of dance you
do, you know, the old time stuff where you

actually touch each other, well, you do that okay now.

No, I never was much good on the dance floor.

I remember once in Singapore, I was
insulted by a beautiful doll.

Oh, what happened?

Yeah, she asked me if I could dance.

Well, what's wrong with that?

I was dancing with her.

Why would anybody want to take a dancing lesson?

He doesn't even have a mother to push him out the door.

Thanks for helping me get out early.

This is gonna be my big night.

A dancing lesson?

Robbie, see the chip and Ernie?

Hit the hay before the late news.

Okay, have a great time and dance up a storm.

I'll keep going as long as it's free and
as long as my ballet slippers hold out.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Dad.

How's Washington?

Oh, it's wet.

It's been raining all day.

Well, I should get out of here tomorrow.

I'll probably be home late in the afternoon.

Chip and Ernie ready for bed?

Uh, no, not yet.

They're still doing the dishes for Uncle Charlie.

Just so he can take his dancing lesson.

Dancing lesson?

You want a contest, huh?

That's great.

It'll do him good to get out of the house.

Yeah.

Well, be sure the boys get to bed now.

None of that late show business.

Right, Rob.

Goodbye.

Dancing lesson.

Uh, how do you do?

Good evening.

Hi.

Welcome to the dance team.

Studio.

Are you new here?

Yeah.

I came for one lesson.

Wonderful.

Let's just go in the office and sign up then.

Oh, there's nothing to sign up.

You call me on the phone.

I said Wyoming, and here I am.

Oh, well, of course, Mr., uh... O'Casey.

Charley O'Casey.

Of course, Mr. O'Casey.

Well, I should have recognized you because I'm
Helen Saunders, and I was the one that called you.

I see.

You look exactly the way I thought you would.

Huh?

Your well-modulated voice, I just knew
that you'd be handsome and dignified.

I thank you, but I don't have much time.

We gotta cram a lot of dancing into one free lesson.

Oh, it would be a pleasure.

Are you familiar with any of the dances?

Yes, the bunny hug and the castle walk
and, of course, the hucklebutt.

Are you familiar with the jerk?

No.

No, I never saw the jerk.

I've seen him before.

I don't know.

Well, that's a new dance.

It's quite popular these days.

Oh, I see.

But look, Miss Saunders.

You're the teacher, so I'll put myself in your
hands, and you do what you can in one lesson.

Fine.

I'll just show you the fundamentals.

Oh, fine.

Yes.

Now, I'll be the boy, and you be the girl.

What?

Now, just relax and have faith in me, Mr. O'Casey.

Right foot forward, left foot forward,
right foot up to your left, and stop.

You're doing wonders, Mr. O'Casey.

A youthful man like you has a natural grace.

Youthful?

Well, a man of 45 or 46 is still young.

Yeah?

All right, Charlie.

I didn't hear you come in.

How was the trip?

Oh, it went fine.

They like my designs.

You hungry or something?

No, I think I can hold off till dinner.

You go ahead doing whatever that was you were doing.

I was just practicing, sort of doing my homework.

I want a free dance lesson.

Oh, yeah, Robbie told me.

Steve, I had the time of my life.

My teacher's a real doll.

She dances like a sailing ship in the steady breeze.

And I'm not such a bad dancer myself.

Well, that's wonderful, Charlie.

Sounds great.

I'm going back tonight.

Did you win more lessons?

No, not exactly, Helen.

I mean, Miss Saunders, she thinks I got
great possibilities.

She's so anxious for me to study with her
that she gave me a special rate.

Three lessons for $25.

They're usually $10 a piece.

I saved five bucks.

Well, that sounds fair enough.

How about you coming along tonight?

They got other teachers.

Before you know it, you're doing a lot of fancy stuff.

Perhaps it beats bowling.

No, thanks, Alan, not tonight.

I'm a little bushed.

Right after dinner, I'm going to fox right
upstairs and waltz into bed.

My.

Pump died, tripped.

Why don't we get some coffee?

Oh, God.

You know, Mr. O'Casey, you're just doing wonderful.

Thank you.

With a little bit more practice, you'll be the
outstanding dancer at the Ballard Margarine.

Ballard Margarine?

Oh, didn't I tell you?

That's our annual ball for the members.

And it's just beautiful.

You men look so handsome in your top hat and tails.

Just yesterday, I bought a new candle.

When I tried it on, I just pictured the
two of us out there on the dance floor.

Top hat and tails?

Me?

Oh, you look debonair.

Just like Cary Grant.

Oh, no.

I forgot.

What?

You can't go.

Why?

Nobody but lifetime members can go to the Bell, now, Jerry.

Lifetime members?

Oh, you know something?

I never realized how much Uncle Charley does around here.

He does plenty.

He deserves a rest.

Personally, I wouldn't exactly call dancing a rest.

Oh, I hope those lessons are on the level.

You know, Dad, all this playing up to a
man, his flattering and stuff,

you think it could be a rocket?

Well, I think Uncle Charley's old enough
and smart enough to find that out for himself.

Most of these dancing schools do a lot of good, Rob.

They help a lot of people get some enjoyment out of life.

Yeah, but it's supposed to be free.

He's already been stuck for 25 bucks.

Well, I'd say it's worth it.

You notice him dancing around with that dust mop?

Looks like he was 20 years younger.

That's a lot of years for 25 bucks.

The battle of Mardering could have been
our debut, but that's the way it goes.

How much is this lifetime business?

Cost?

Only $1,000.

But we could make ten times that in Las Vegas in one week.

A touch of this and a dash of that.

It's a touch more than a dash or a dash more than a touch.

Uncle Charley, this junk just came for you.

Oh, thanks.

This suit?

Yeah.

This the football?

They gave you for buying the suit?

Football?

That's my...

You'll see when I make my grand entrance.

Uncle Charley!

Hey, Uncle Charley!

Okay, okay.

Uncle Charley, uh, what are you all dressed up for?

The Bal Madern.

What else?

May I help you?

Yes, I'm looking for Miss Saunders.

Oh, I'm Helen Saunders.

Oh.

Uh, did someone recommend me?

Uh, well, sort of.

Miss Saunders, I'm Robbie Douglas.

Charley O'Casey's my uncle.

Oh, Charley recommended me.

He's such a dear man.

Well, frankly, he doesn't know I'm here.

Huh?

Miss Saunders, uh, I've been kind of worried that,
uh, Uncle Charley might be making a fool of himself.

Oh, I see.

Well, you may be surprised to hear it,
but your uncle is a very lonely man.

Uncle Charley lonely?

He's always hollering at us for getting in his hair.

Oh, but people can be very lonely in a crowd.

A man like your uncle needs an interest when he gets older.

As a lifetime member here, he has used the
studio and the personnel anytime he wants it.

And he's here among friends.

Oh, I, I just never thought of it that way.

I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry.

I admire you for trying to protect your uncle.

Well, you know, you'd probably do the same for me.

Do you dance?

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, but I didn't come to take lessons.

Oh, I know, but I'm not busy now.

Oh, well, I do the, uh, Freddy and the
Froog and the Jerk and a couple others.

And the, uh, Pony?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Do you know, on my night off, I go dancing?

Do you really?

Yes.

Hello?

Yes, this is Stephen Douglas.

O'Casey?

Uh, Charley O'Casey?

Well, yes, I'd be glad to co-sign.

What is the amount of the note?

Eight hundred dollars.

Well, did he say, uh, why he needed it?

Dancing lessons?

Well, I'll tell you, uh, why
don't we hold up on it until I get

a chance to talk to him,
and I'll, uh, I'll get back to you.

I'll get in touch with you tomorrow.

Fine.

Thank you.

Dancing lesson.

A man of 22 or 23 like you has so many
years of a wonderful dancing career ahead of him.

Yeah.

I think it's because you're so suave and sophisticated.

Yeah.

Hi, Charley.

Oh, hiya, Steve.

What are you doing home?

Well, I came home because I want to talk to you, Charley.

Well, what'd I do wrong?

Well, nothing, I guess.

It's just that Mr. Simmons called me from the bank.

Oh.

Charley, what's this all about?

I mean, if you needed $800, why didn't you come to me?

Why should I bother you?

I only need it for a short time until we
get our first date in Las Vegas.

We?

O'Casey and Saunders.

You know, like Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.

Charley, did you sign up for $800 worth of dancing lessons?

No.

Well, that's a relief.

I signed up for $1,000.

$1,000?

Yeah, $200 down.

It's a great buy, Steve.

You know, lifetime membership.

But $1,000, Charley, that's a lot of money.

Steve, figure it out yourself.

If I go four times a week, that's over 200 times a year.

In five years, it averages out to $1 a lesson.

Charley, can't you see they're taking advantage of you?

Have you seen me dance?

No.

Well, Helen has.

Do you realize there hasn't been a famous
dance team since Veloz and Yolanda's?

But, Charley, a man as old as you are.

As old as I am.

Helen thinks I'm 45, and when we're
dancing, I feel like 35.

Is that bad?

I don't know, Charley.

I hope not.

I just don't like to see you get hurt, that's all.

Hi, Dad.

Uncle Charley.

Hi, Rob.

Dad, you were right.

There's nothing to worry about.

That Helen is something else.

Helen?

Yeah.

Oh, I have to admit, I thought the dance
studio was a clip joint.

But it's on the level.

Boy, everybody is getting into the act.

Dad, that Helen makes a lesson really easy to take.

You took a lesson, didn't you?

Yeah, but I only signed up for ten more.

For how much?

Fifty dollars.

I pay it off by the week with an option
for ten additional at the same price.

Boy, did I have to talk fast to get that option.

Robbie, you should have taken the lifetime.

Time plan.

At your age, it would be a real buy.

Yeah, I may do that later.

You know, Helen thinks I have the makings
of a professional.

She said that to you?

Yeah, I mean, she didn't realize that I was 19.

You know, she thought I was 23 because I'm suave.

She thinks I'm 45.

Charlie, did you sign any contracts or anything?

Yeah, I signed.

Yeah, so did I, Dad.

Yeah.

I'll see you fellas later.

I'm going down to the studio right now.

Well, Dad, be careful.

I mean, don't take any lessons.

You know, it happens before you know it.

I'll be careful.

So she thinks you look 45, huh?

And she thinks you're a suave?

Yeah.

My, you're a tall one.

Are you new here?

Yes, I am.

I'm looking for Miss Saunders.

Oh, I'm Helen Saunders.

Did someone recommend me?

Well, you could put it that way, yes.

Several people.

Oh, how wonderful.

Let's see now.

What dance would be the best for someone
as tall as you are?

Miss Saunders, to be honest with you,
I didn't come up here to dance.

Call me Helen.

And whatever you came for, there's
certainly no harm in a few steps, is there?

Look, Miss Saunders.

Helen.

Helen, I, uh, I came up here to discuss a problem.

Is there some place we could do...

Why don't we discuss that problem while we're dancing?

I suppose this is as good a place as any.

Yeah, it turns out I got no use for that top hat and tails.

You can pick them up any time you want it.

Hey, Chip and Ernie, come here.

If I should be out and somebody calls for
that dress suit, give it to them.

I'll leave it on the table in the same box as it came in.

Well, aren't you going to keep it, Uncle Charlie?

I decided not to go to that bell, my darn.

Who needs it?

How come?

You look real good.

Good.

As good as that guy who opens car doors at
the Bryant Park Hotel.

People always give him tips.

That ain't exactly what I bought it for.

What's keeping Dad?

You think he might have signed up for a
few lessons before he knew it?

I don't know.

I guess they're a bunch of crooks.

All that malarkey about Las Vegas.

Hi.

Well, that's that.

How did you make out?

Fine.

Did you meet Helen?

Oh, yes, I met Helen.

There you are, Charlie.

Your contract and your $200 check.

What about me, Dad?

Yours is right here.

Well, maybe I ought to frame it as a lesson.

Don't mention that word lesson around me.

Dad, didn't they put up a beef?

Oh, yeah, they put up a beef all right.

But I reminded them of something.

Like what?

That you're under 21, Rob, and I threatened
to sue them for taking advantage of a minor.

Yeah, but I'm not a minor.

Well, I pointed out that the publicity
could put them out of business.

Yeah, well, that wouldn't let me off the hook.

I'm a senior citizen.

A senior schnook.

Well, I just told them if they returned your contract
and your money, I wouldn't sue on behalf of Robbie.

Oh, I see.

Well, there goes O'Casey and Saunders.

You know, I can see what you mean about Miss Saunders.

She's a pretty girl and a wonderful dancer.

Dad, you danced with her?

Yeah, it's the only way I could get to talk with her.

Did she want to team up with you?

Well, of course she did.

Can't you just see it in lights?

Douglas and Saunders.

The fall you were going to, Dad's got it on TV?

Holy smoke, it's tonight.

I've got to see those crooks.

Oh, oh, boy.

We're looking at the Val Moderna.

Yeah.

I wonder where Helen Saunders is.

I guess I ought to be mad at her, but I just can't be.

She was real nice.

There she is now.

The next dance will feature one of our
instructresses, Miss Helen Saunders,

and one of our star pupils.

Gee, Uncle Charley, if you hadn't have
sent that suit back, you could have been

dancing with her now, and we would have been watching you.

That guy looks older than you, Uncle Charley.

Well, I'd better get back to my dishes.

They ain't getting any cleaner.

Aren't you going to watch the rest of it?

I've seen enough.

A bunch of chumps get guided around the
floor by a bunch of crooks.

Well, sounds like he lost interest already.

He doesn't practice dancing anymore.

You should have seen him with that fancy suit on, Dad.

It came down to the knees in the back.

I bet he looked great.

You know something?

He doesn't walk with that little bounce in his step like
he did for a while when he was taking those lessons.

Yeah, well, I guess it's pretty tough to go back to those
dirty dishes after almost being O'Casey and Saunders.

Yeah.

I know they were taking him, but I still
wonder if I did the right thing to interfere.

Maybe a guy needs something to hope for,
even if it never does come true.

Yeah, I guess so.

May I have this dance, Miss Saunders?

A waltz, I believe.

They were just taking me, that's all.

Taking me for a chump.

But it was fun while it lasted.