06x12 - The Hong Kong Story

[bunniefuu]

I beat you.

I had to wait for a girl to walk by.

What for?

Because I didn't want to run into her.

How about doing me a favor?

What?

Go on with me to the junkyard to look for rocks.

Okay.

Countdown.

Three, two, blast off.

Hi, Wanda.

I'm going to the library.

Would you like to come?

Come on, Chip.

I'm going to the library with Wanda, kid.

Instead of the junkyard with me?

The junkyard.

What junkyard?

The one with the terrific rocks.

What rocks?

The ones we're going to collect.

Chip, if you'd rather go to the junkyard
with this boy, it's okay with me.

I wouldn't be caught dead in the junkyard with the kid.

Hey, kid.

Get lost, huh?

What Ross?

The junkie ones and his clunky head.

That's what Ross.

Well, did Jill say where she was going, Mrs. Feldman?

She took a drive with Jimmy.

No.

No, that's okay.

Well, just tell her I called her.

Okay, thanks.

Bye.

You don't look so good, Robbie.

I don't feel so good, either.

What's wrong?

Ah, you wouldn't understand.

Try me.

Ernie, when I was your age, I thought that
girls were boys in a new shape.

Well, I don't.

I know all about girls.

That's more than I do.

At least I don't understand Jill.

Jill, the girl you brought home for dinner last night?

Yeah.

The one that had hair that looked like wet spaghetti?

Would you like to help me finish my birdhouse?

Why not?

Terrific.

I'll go get it.

Hello.

Yeah, this is Robbie Douglas.

Hello, Joe.

Yeah, I got the message from your mother.

Who's Jimmy?

Jimmy's a girl.

He is.

I mean, she is.

Joan Andrews.

Yeah, of course, I know her.

No kidding.

Well, all the time I thought that, uh... Well, never mind.

Hey, I'll pick you up in ten minutes, okay?

All right.

Goodbye.

Well, here it is.

Huh?

Oh, good boy.

Well, uh, I gotta be going, Ernie.

I'll see you tonight.

Go where?

Well, Jill just called.

Let that be a lesson to you, Ernie.

Don't jump to conclusions about women.

We don't have plans for construction.

Uh, well, they've changed.

I'll see you later, Ernie.

Goodbye.

Boy, I liked him when he didn't feel so good.

Hi, Ernie.

Hi, Dad.

You home already?

Yeah, I thought I'd knock off work early today.

Great.

Where's everybody?

Uncle Charley went to the market, and Chip
and Robbie are goofing around with dumb girls.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, that's quite a birdhouse you're building, Ernie.

High rise.

High rise.

Well, the birds are really going to be
living around here, aren't they?

Yeah.

Are you going to be home all afternoon?

You bet I am.

You can sort of talk while I'm working.

Fine.

No, sir, nothing's going to get me out of
this house for the rest of the day.

Neat.

Hey, wait a minute, Charlie.

I'll give you a hand.

Thanks.

Oh, Steve, the prices they're charging at the market,
they're not selling tomatoes by the pound anymore.

They're selling them by the carat.

By the way, uh, you remember a tomato by the pound?

By the name of Gloria Gibson.

Gloria Gibson?

Sure.

Why?

I ran into her at the market.

At the market?

Gloria?

She was buying a fillet for her poodle.

Well, I'll be darned.

The last I heard, Gloria was engaged to an
Italian count on the Riviera.

What's she doing back in Bryant Park?

Oh, said something about flying across
country in her own plane.

I guess she got off course.

Well, did she, uh, ask about me, Charlie?

Oh, yeah.

She told me to tell you she's staying at
the Bryant Park Hotel.

She did, huh?

Mm-hmm.

Well, I, uh, I think I'll give her a ring.

Looks like a live one.

Gloria?

The poodle.

Hello.

I'd like to speak to Gloria Gibson, please.

Well, I just told her Steve Douglas is calling.

Thanks.

What do you know, Gloria?

Hello.

Hello, Gloria.

Well, it's good to hear your voice.

Yeah.

Well, it certainly was a surprise when Charley...

Well, I'm anxious to see you, too.

Well, as a matter of fact, I'm not doing anything.

I got home early and...

Well, fine.

Say, are you busy for dinner?

Well, that's wonderful.

Well, it'll take me about... I'll
be down in about 20 minutes.

Great.

I'll see you.

Hey, Charley, I'm going out.

I won't be home for dinner.

That figures.

You going out, too, dear?

Yeah, an old friend of mine got into town.

Well, I'll, uh, see you later.

So long, dear.

Good-bye.

I forgot my hat.

It's on your head.

Okay.

See you, Ernie.

Boy.

How about a peanut butter jam sardine sandwich?

Do you like girls, Uncle Charley?

Oh, I can take them or leave them.

You, Mr. O'Casey?

Come in, Mrs. McGowan.

The door's open.

Who's that?

Nettie McGowan, my new neighbor.

You gonna go someplace with her?

Me?

With all the work I gotta do around here?

Uncle Charley, you're the only normal guy around here.

Hiya, Nettie.

Mr. O'Casey, I came to ask you a great big favor.

What would you like to borrow?

You!

Me?

I've just been invited to a tea.

And each lady is supposed to bring a surprise guest.

Well, I'm, uh, I'm pretty busy.

Oh, and I want you to wear that divine admiral suit.

The one with all the gold braid and the pretty ribbons.

That wasn't an admiral's outfit.

I was the chief petty officer.

Oh, I don't care what you wear.

You look so handsome.

Furthermore, if the w*r hadn't ended when
it did, you would have been an admiral.

Oh, go on.

Say, you will come.

Well, uh, give me time to press my suit.

Okay, Geraldine.

tr*mp, it's for you!

Now.

We've got the whole set.

Hi, Dad.

Oh, hi, Ernie.

Hey, it's kind of late.

What are you doing?

I gotta talk to you.

Well, uh, can't it wait till morning?

It can't, but I can.

Come on in my room.

Well, now, Ernie, uh, what's bothering you?

Girls.

Oh, you too, huh?

A guy goes along nice and friendly.

All of a sudden, he meets a girl.

Bingo, like magic.

Well, that's the way it happens sometimes,
Ernie, like magic.

You get a new lighter?

Hmm.

Yeah, it's a pipe lighter.

It's a pipe lighter from Italy.

Gloria brought it to me.

Uh, Gloria's the friend I went to see today.

Now, uh, what's bothering you about girls?

You see, this afternoon, Chip and me were horsing around.

Then some clunky girl came along,
and Chip told me to get lost.

Then it happened to Robbie.

One minute, he doesn't understand girls.

Then some clunky girl calls him,
and he's acting as goopy as Chip.

Even you and Uncle Charlie act kind of
dumb when a girl talks to you.

Can they do this to anybody?

Put the hex on them?

Well, of course, you have a few years before it'll hit you.

Do I get any warning or does it happen wham, like that?

No, it happens that way a lot of times, Ernie.

Wham, just like that.

Dad, I don't even understand it well
enough to ask questions about it.

Good night, Ernie.

My name's Linda Lou.

Linda Lou.

Dumb name.

My mother picked it out.

Why don't you change it?

You got any ideas?

Yeah.

How about George?

What's your name?

Ernie Douglas.

Who cuts your hair, Ernie?

My Uncle Charley.

Do you think I should cut my hair?

How should I know?

Well, you look like a boy who knows how a girl should look.

Me?

Those glasses make you look so distinguished.

Hey, how about that?

Really?

Maybe your Uncle Charley would cut my hair.

What for?

You said you didn't like it this way.

Oh, I didn't.

You mean you do like my hair?

That's okay.

Don't you think it's kind of scraggly?

Yeah, but not bad, considering.

Do your malted milk good?

Uh-huh.

It looks good.

Want me to order another straw?

No.

But I might like a dish of ice cream.

Okay.

I bet a lot of girls like you.

I don't know any girls.

You know me.

Ernie!

You've got a whisker!

Where?

There!

I like older men.

Hey, maybe you'd like nuts on top of the chocolate sauce.

Toasted almond.

What do you have, Linda?

Whatever Mr. Douglas orders for me will be just fine.

What about it, bud?

She'll have an almond chocolate nut with
toasted sauce on top.

Huh?

Parfait special.

Yeah, that's what I mean.

Oh, the sea was rough and the waves were
high, but the old Nellie B.

Went sailing by.

Morning, Uncle Charley.

What's on the menu?

Pancakes on the rocks.

Ah, that's for me.

Morning, Uncle Charley.

Morning.

Hey, where's Ernie?

He's trying my razor.

Your razor?

That's almost as funny as Ernie using it.

What's he using it for?

To sharpen pencils?

He said he needed a shave.

By the time... By the time he needs
a shave, they'll be shaving by radar.

Look at him sitting in Dad's chair.

Maybe you better go to bed, wake yourself
up, and come down again.

Okay.

All right, sit down.

What's with you?

Nothing.

Hey, Ernie, you feeling okay?

I got a pain.

Where?

It jumps around.

How many can you go for?

Post will be fine.

Post, pancakes.

Then we ought to call the doctor.

Yeah, I'll get it.

Hello.

Who?

Yeah, yeah, Ernie's here.

Who's this?

Oh, okay.

Hang on for a second.

Hey, Ernie, someone named Linda Lou wants to talk to you.

Linda Lou?

Me?

She does?

Honest, me?

She was talking to a girl.

Hi.

You sure?

A real, live, female girl?

I heard her myself.

I'm okay.

Are you okay?

My mother's giving me a birthday party on Saturday.

Would you like to come?

Sure.

Do I have to bring a present?

Why, Ernie, just because it's my birthday
doesn't mean you have to bring me a present.

Okay.

Of course, Pete Perkins will bring me a present.

Who's he?

Oh, a friend.

He has quite a bit of money, though.

But don't worry.

He's not half as distinguished as you are, Ernie.

No kidding?

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

I'll be there.

So long.

Ernie, who's Linda Lou?

A girl.

Well, I didn't think she was an armadillo.

She's having a birthday party.

What does she look like?

Well, Robbie, you remember that girl you
brought home one time?

Miss Teenage?

Julie Robbins?

You mean she looks like Julie Robbins?

She looks a lot like her brother.

Hi.

Here.

Why, Ernie, you brought me a present.

Sure.

I hope you like Jigsaw puzzles.

Oh, I love them.

I was almost here.

I ought to go back home.

My socks didn't match.

Oh, Ernie, you're so funny.

That silly Pete Perkins brought two presents.

Wow.

Come on.

Come on, Ernie, and I want you to meet my mother.

You've.

Come to Linda Lou's party, Ernie.

Introduce Ernie to your friends, Linda Lou.

Ernie, this is d*ck Johnson, and this is Pete Perkins.

Hello, kid.

Hi.

Pete's 111⁄2.

Wow.

Do you play chess, Ernie?

No, checkers.

I don't think we have any checkers.

What other games would you like to play?

How about soccer?

Here?

Here?

I guess the rug is too cool.

Do you like to dance?

Dance?

Uh-huh.

Not much room.

Well, there's plenty of room, Ernie.

Not the way I dance.

You must be very good.

Yeah.

How about starting off with the jerk?

Kind of thirsty.

Let's have some pie.

Thank you.

It's good.

You ready to dance now?

I think I better wait for the sandwiches.

I dance better on a full stomach.

Ernie, are you sure you know how to dance?

Heck, anybody can do that.

Oh, gee, Linda Lou, I'm sorry.

What happened, Linda Lou?

Just a little accident, Pete.

Allow me.

I have a handkerchief, Linda Lou.

Someplace.

Ernie, what is that?

Barbells.

I mean that.

Looks like a lizard.

Yeah, it is.

But he won't hurt you.

Ew, that's kid stuff.

Girls don't like lizards, you know.

Oh.

All right, everybody, you can go back to your dancing now.

Windaloo, may I?

I'd love to, Pete.

Hi, Ernie.

Ernie?

Did you have a good time?

Nope.

You didn't?

What happened?

Lost my marbles.

Oh?

Spilled punch on Linda Lou and scared her with my lizard.

Well, it sounds like it must have been quite a party.

Ernie, are you going somewhere?

Yeah.

Well, where are you going?

Someplace where there aren't any girls.

Well, there aren't any girls around here.

There will be.

I don't fit in here with all you guys, Dad.

Well, now, why do you say that, Erin?

It's y'all got dumb girls and I haven't.

Oh, I see.

Well, if you've made up your mind to
leave, I don't want to try to talk you out of it.

Well, that's okay.

Of course, it would be difficult for you to
find someplace to stay this time of night.

Yeah, I guess it would.

I'll tell you, Erin, why don't you stay here tonight
and then you can leave first thing in the morning?

Or maybe in a day or two yeah Ernie just
because we all have uh dumb girls as you

say well it doesn't mean that we've forgotten
you you're very important to all of us around here.

Well Ernie's uh as long as you're not
leaving right now why don't you get into

your pajamas and then come on downstairs and
we'll uh sit around look at TV or something okay.

Thanks.

Jill, I've got to get home right away.

It's an emergency.

I'll call you later and explain.

Excuse me, Mrs. McGowan.

Uncle Charley, Dad called.

He wants us home right away.

Ernie needs us.

Come on, Nanny.

I'll drop you off on the way.

It's an SOS.

Sure, Mr. Douglas.

I'll tell him.

Chip, your father says to come home right away.

Something about Ernie.

I'm practically home.

I'll see you tomorrow, Wanda.

Wanda.

Bye.

It's.

Okay.

We got your phone message.

Well, it isn't anything terribly serious, fellas.

It's just that, well, Ernie's had kind of a rough day,
and I thought maybe we could all sort of cheer him up.

Weren't you going to a birthday party, Ernie?

There was a misunderstanding.

What about Linda Lou?

She threw me over for a chess player.

Wouldn't you know it.

But, Ernie, don't worry about her.

She works all the guys.

Look, Ernie, I had the same thing happen
to me when I was your age.

Charley.

It was this thing by the name of Fever.

Charley.

Well, maybe I was a little old.

Here, you know what?

I was thinking about that birdhouse.

Why don't we put in air conditioning?

I mean, you know, just for kicks.

Come on, Robbie.

Yeah, and wall-to-wall carpeting.

We'll have the neatest birdhouse in town.

You mean your guys are going to stay home tonight?

Well, sure we are.

But you got dates.

Look, Ernie, part of the fun of being a
family is sticking together.

Yeah.

Hey, Ernie, I'm going to go up and get
changed so we can work on that birdhouse.

I'll get some cookies and milk.

I'll be right back.

Right away.

Well.

Dad?

Yeah, Ernie.

Okay if I hang around here for a few more years?

Sure, it's okay.

Well, Ernie, where's your birdhouse?

Upstairs.

Well, you better go and get it.

We're going to work on it, huh?

Yeah.