06x22 - Robbie and the Little Stranger

[bunniefuu]

Better.

From the president.

Another one, huh?

Yeah, I'd like to hear it.

Oh, naturally.

Dear Ernie, he calls me Ernie,
but I still call him Mr. President.

Sure, after all, he's an older man.

That was a fine job you did in solving our foreign problem.

Well, the whole country was grateful, Ernie.

Oh, it was cinchy.

Get this part.

Ernie, could you fly to London and have a
talk with the prime minister?

Mister, the British government wants to borrow you.

Oh, what do you know?

Uh, when do you leave for London?

I can't this week.

School.

Oh, you're all tied up, huh?

That's too bad.

You know, I, uh, I like that letter better than the
one you got the other day from that Italian actress.

Yeah, I was surprised she fell in love
with a nine-year-old kid.

I was surprised she wrote to you in English.

Yeah, well, she explained it all to me.

She said she didn't want her husband to be able to read it.

Oh, I see.

Well, Ernie, when you answer the question,
I'll give you my regards, won't you?

Will do.

Have a good time tonight, Dad.

Thanks, Ann.

See you at breakfast.

Yeah.

Ernie's still bothering you with those
crazy letters he keeps writing to himself?

Oh, it's no bother.

It was a lot of fun.

That was the second letter he's gotten
from the president, you know.

Well, he's just doing it to get attention.

I know that.

But he's getting attention, so it's working out fine.

Well, Dad, I still think that Ernie has some deep-seated
problem, but, well, you handle it your own way.

I just came in to tell you that... I bet
you won't have any problem with Joanne.

Joanne?

Joanne Edwards.

I met her at the prom a few weeks ago.

Remember?

I flipped.

We've been going steady.

It's a thing.

Oh, yeah.

What was I supposed to worry about?

Just that this might be the big one.

And, well, marriage and dropping out of
college and all that jazz.

Marriage?

You mean you and this... What's her name?

What I'm trying to say, Dad, is that love or no love,
Joanne and I both agree we're too young to get married.

Right, and we both want to get a good education first.

Oh, that's fine.

Well, I guess I can go out to dinner confident
that you and Ernie are all right, at least for tonight.

Of course, the jury's still out on Chip.

See ya.

Okay, night, Dad.

Go to.

The library and crack open some books.

Oh, Robbie, you can actually come right to the door.

You know, you're the first boy my dad has ever approved.

Isn't it great?

And my dad likes everything I tell him.

I don't know about you.

You're sensible, that's what you are.

Very sensible.

But in a nice way.

Thanks.

See you.

Okay, bye.

Eileen, has Professor Summers gone yet?

Well, sure, he left a few minutes ago.

Oh, sh**t.

I hadn't realized how late it had gotten.

He was supposed to give me some American sieve notes.

Now I've got to find somebody who has them,
otherwise I'll get creamed in the test Monday.

Well, I've got them right here.

I'll give them to you.

Come on.

Oh, great.

Well, Eileen, why don't we just go
someplace where I can come?

Well, I can't, Robbie.

I've got to get home in a hurry.

Well, it wouldn't take long.

You could call your mother and explain.

Well, it's not my mother I have to explain to.

It's my husband.

Your husband?

Well, my name is Mrs. James Borden Gray.

Where are those notes?

You're married to Bord Gray?

What's wrong with that?

Well, nothing, except he's such a nut.

In high school, he spent half his life in
the principal's office for flying his

laundry from a flagpole and stuff like that.

I take it you knew my husband.

Well, just to hear the word husband in the
same sentence as Borden Gray shakes me.

I know where I left the notes.

Well, they're in the hamper.

Why don't you come back to the apartment with me?

You can copy him there.

All right.

Borden would love to see you.

And you can meet Jimmy.

Who's Jimmy?

Our baby.

Hi, dear.

Hi, honey.

Honey, I brought home another man because
I'm tired of talking to you.

That's nice.

Robbie.

Bored?

Rob.

Robbie Douglas.

Hi.

How are you?

Okay.

Well, that's the same old guy, all right.

The way she's been describing you,
I thought it was somebody else.

Well, how long can a guy go on riding bikes through
the girls' gym or having barbecues on top of a car?

How's Jimmy?

He's sound asleep.

He yelled when the beef trust upstairs
was doing her exercises, but he's all right now.

Well, that's good.

Well, I'll go make some coffee and then
I'll check him over.

How are you?

I'm fine.

I don't want to break up your studies.

No, that's okay.

I always take a coffee break when Eileen
comes home from her last class.

Come on, let's sit down.

Okay, thanks.

Boy, I still can't get over you two being
married and calling each other dear and all that.

I mean, I know how old you are.

Well, sometimes Jimmy in there makes me feel older.

Doesn't having to take care of him foul up your studies?

That's the weird part about it.

My grades have gotten better.

I take the two o'clock feeding and while
he's eating, I do my calculus.

Oh, I get it.

You both work on your formulas together, huh?

I fed Chip and Ernie.

And there's a casserole of macaroni in the
refrigerator for you.

I'm on my way to a lodge meeting.

Well, I may go out later.

Have you got a clean shirt for me to wear?

You bet.

Write it in the laundry.

All you have to do is iron it.

Iron it?

Iron it.

You want shirts that jump out of the laundry ready to wear?

Get a magician or a wife.

A magician or a wife.

Hi, is Joanne there?

Oh, I'll tell her this is Robbie Douglas calling, sir.

Hi, Joanne.

Yeah, I got the notes.

I borrowed them from Eileen Gray.

Hey, uh, did you know that she was married?

Married?

Eileen Gray?

Well, she's the same age I am.

She's married, got a baby, and you ought
to see their place.

Yeah, I can imagine.

Wouldn't it be awful trying to keep up with your
classes while you're taking care of a baby in a house?

Well, Joanne, believe me, they've got it made.

It's sure a lot better than a teenage rat race.

You really think so?

I've got to go, honey.

I mean, Joanne.

I'll see you tomorrow, okay?

Hi, Rob.

Hey, Dad.

Uh, Dad, how old were you when you got married?

Well, I was older than you are, considerably.

Boy, things happen so much faster these days.

I gotta get to the books.

Uh, Rob, last night you assured
me... Oh, Dad, a man can change.

Like when that extra special girl comes along.

You know, the chemistry.

Man.

But, Rob, marriage is something that
requires a lot of thought.

I mean, it can stand a lot of investigation.

Oh, I absolutely agree, Dad.

Yeah.

Let's see you later.

Uh, yeah.

Between your housework and your homework,
how did you find time to bake this?

Well, I study at home in the afternoons.

Cooking's no problem.

You see, Joanne, it works.

It's peaceful and quiet here.

What about the baby?

Doesn't he make a lot of noise?

My son Jimmy's a very practical man.

Give him plenty to eat, enough sleep, and a dry wardrobe.

He'll keep quiet.

Joanne, would you like to see Jimmy?

Oh, I'd love to.

Come on.

Well, Borden.

Excuse me.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Plum.

What's that?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, nothing you can do to help.

Well, take care of yourself, and we'll see
you the week after next.

Goodbye.

Problem?

Babysitter.

She's got a cold.

Can't be near the baby.

Well, there go the weekend plans.

Well, Borden, I'd be glad to babysit for you.

I couldn't ask for it.

I couldn't ask you to do that.

A whole weekend?

Well, it would be a pleasure.

I've got a modern government's
paper due Monday, and if I try

to do it in that birdcage I live in, I'd never get it done.

Well, have you ever taken care of a baby before?

I mean, he's only four months old.

I know I could do it.

It was just common sense, and I could get
Joanne to help me.

She could come over Saturday evening for a few hours.

Candlelight dinner, soft music.

Well, I guess you could always call Mrs. Dunbar
across the hall in case something happened to Jimmy.

I, I'm a very reliable fellow, and it would be
great to spend a quiet evening at home with Joanne.

Just the two of us.

Just the three of you.

Maybe.

Bye, Dad.

Bye, Rob.

Bye, Dad.

See you Monday.

Monday?

Where you going?

I'm gonna babysit for Borden and Eileen.

Oh, fine.

Joanne's gonna help me, give the two of us a chance to
know each other, to meet the challenges of married life.

Oh, fine.

Rob!

Joanne will just be by tonight for dinner.

Bye.

Bye.

Wow!

Hello, dear.

Come in, dear.

For me?

Well, you would look cute in them.

Well, now, I wonder what I would look cute in.

Diapers.

I think that I'd better pick up another dozen.

Well, when the timer went off,
I turned the oven down like this.

Oh, you set the table.

That was sweet.

I'll take over now.

Did you get a lot done today?

Yes, dear.

I find this a quiet, peaceful little
island, away from the squirrel cage.

Here's tonight's paper you asked for, dear.

Well, thank you, dear.

I thought after dinner maybe we could sit back
and put our feet up and catch up on the news.

Maybe read editorials to each other.

I was going to surprise you after dinner,
but I think you need these now.

Well, what?

What have we here?

Slippers.

How about that?

They're the same kind Eileen buys for boarding.

You wear them every evening for C&D.

C&D?

Coffee and dessert.

Dessert.

Eileen says they call it the C&D hour.

Isn't that wonderful?

You know, uh, the difference between a happy
marriage and an unhappy one is communication, dear.

Communication?

You know, you're right.

You're a very observant boy.

Man.

Well, you just sit down and relax,
and I'll get dinner on, dearest.

May I help, dearest?

Oh, no.

I'll let you pour when it's time for C&D.

Joanne, are you sure that... Robbie, for
the 15th time, the safety pins are closed.

Maybe he's hungry.

Well, I just fed him two hours ago,
and you just gave him another bottle.

Well...

He may be sleepy.

And stop flopping around the room.

These slippers will fall off if I don't flop them.

Boy, that baby did nothing but sleep till you got here.

Are you implying he's crying because of me?

I'm not implying anything.

I'll tell you what, why don't we give him a warm bath?

Maybe that'll quiet him down.

Okay, I'll try anything.

There we go, Jimmy.

How'd we get the water?

All right.

Oh, Joanne?

Joanne, what are we bathing?

Right in front of you.

That's a bath and neck.

Oh, okay.

Robbie, where do they keep the bucket for the water?

Just a second.

I'll help you find it.

Robbie?

Oh, uh, coming.

Hey, make sure the water's lukewarm.

Okay.

Hey, Robbie?

What?

Where, where's Jimmy?

I put him on the bathinet.

He's not there.

Hey, Robbie, Jimmy's gone!

You had him last.

You better call somebody.

What for?

He has to be here someplace.

He couldn't have just gone out of the room.

Well, don't just stand there in those stupid slippers.

Do something!

See, I was standing right here with the baby.

I hit him.

Oh, yeah.

I was looking underneath for
the... And I put my foot on here.

Oh, Robbie, that was a rotten trick.

Funny at all.

It wasn't supposed to be.

Well, it was incredibly fat-headed.

Fat-headed?

Well, you weren't doing so great yourself.

Don't forget, you're the one that's
supposed to be taking care of the baby.

Screaming?

Yours or his?

Does it?

I'm going home to my mother.

Who's writing to you tonight, Ernie?

I don't know.

I haven't signed it yet.

Ernie, why do you keep writing letters from other people?

I don't know.

I guess it just makes me feel like I was somebody.

It's all right to be somebody,
but you want to be everybody.

Now, look, I got something I want to do tonight.

Can I count on you guys not to break up the joint?

Sure.

I got to get a stamp for this so I can
receive it in time to take it to school Monday.

Sounds logical.

You guys behave yourself till your dad gets here.

Only Toledo, an orphan in the storm.

I'd better get you inside.

Hey, somebody let me in.

Hey, thanks, Uncle Charley, for taking little Jimmy in.

He took two toots from the car to get all this stuff.

I was better off talking to Ernie about his letters.

Do you mind telling a mixed-up sale of
what this is all about?

Didn't I tell you about spending the
weekend at Borden Gray's apartment?

Oh, you mean that married guy?

I didn't know they had a sprout.

Cute kid.

Reminds me of a boast that's made I knew in Singapore.

I couldn't handle him alone, so I brought him over here.

This is all his baby stuff.

Blankets and diapers and bottles and
bottle brushes and a sterilizer.

And now it's Betty bedtime.

Now, now, look, you're not going to put
this kid to bed on an empty stomach, are you?

Oh, my gosh, the formula.

And it's feeding time.

I left it in the refrigerator.

I'll be right back.

Bobby, wait, wait.

That's what I like, a family that talks things over.

Uncle Charlie, I'll be back.

Hey, where'd that baby come from?

Look, I haven't got time to talk.

I promised Elsie Matt to take her to the
hospital to see her sister.

Now, Robbie will be right back,
and your dad will be here soon.

Oh, yeah, but what do I do?

Him, the kid, cries, just jiggled the basket.

And if anything else happens, add lid.

Hi, baby.

You want something to play with or something?

Hey, I'll let you play with my wristwatch
if you promise not to spit on it or anything.

Oh, no.

Hey, Ernie.

Hey, Chip, you know how many games Cy
Young won between 1890 and 1911?

Think I'm going to have Cy Young write to me.

Cy Young's not going to write to anybody.

Now, take care of this baby.

I've got a date with Evelyn Crandall.

Robbie will be back in a minute.

Hey, it's a lie.

Yeah, and if he starts to cry, jiggle the basket.

A baby of her own.

Boy, what will the president hear about this?

I was new around here just a little while ago, too.

You'll like it when you get used to it.

Tell you what, baby, I'll read you from my record book.

Hi, Ernie.

I was just reading this to him.

Did you know that Walter Jackson takes 56
consecutive scoreless innings?

No, I didn't.

Ernie, uh, who is this?

I don't know yet, but I've been calling him baby.

Where'd he come from?

I got him from Chip.

From Chip?

And Chip got him from Uncle Charley.

Where'd Uncle Charley get him from?

Robbie?

Of course.

Well, do you happen to know if anybody had
him before Robbie?

Sure.

Robbie had to get him from somebody.

Didn't it filter through to you who he is?

No.

But I think we ought to call him something
else besides baby.

Seems healthy enough.

Case is a girl.

Maybe we ought to call it Connie Mac.

That way we can't go wrong.

You don't know if it's a boy or a girl?

No.

That's what we'll find out any minute, you know.

They don't mind a jiggle on the basket.

Chip said it'd make him stop crying.

Oh, he did, huh?

There.

Maybe Chip knows something about the baby.

Ernie, uh, what are we supposed to do?

Oh, no, no, no.

Hey, he's quiet now.

Or, uh, she is.

Or it is.

Whoops.

Ernie, you better jiggle the basket a little more.

David, it won't stop.

Well, uh, yeah, let's, uh, try this.

It usually works.

Here we are.

There we are.

There.

There.

How about that?

Gee, Dad, that's a neat idea.

How'd you ever think of that?

Oh, just lucky, I guess.

Here, you better give it a little more, Ernie.

I'll get it.

Hello?

Norman?

Oh, yeah, just a minute.

Ernie, this is for you.

Norman.

Hi.

No, I can't come out and play.

I have a baby.

Connie Mack.

I got him or her from Chip.

No, Chip didn't want it.

Yeah, it's kind of interesting.

Every kid in the block is gubbies, but
I'm the only one with a real live baby.

Okay, see ya.

Ernie, if you want to go out and play or
write a letter to yourself, you go right ahead.

I'll stay here with the baby.

No, thanks, Dad.

I like it here with you.

A baby is a good father and son project.

Anyway, I only write letters to attract attention.

Tonight I'm getting plenty of attention.

Oh, and see, Dad, can I have your keys
just in case he starts bawling again?

Oh, you have the keys, aren't you?

No, I don't.

I came back to you when I answered the phone.

No, I don't think you did.

Oh, I must have left them in the crib.

Oh.

You don't suppose... Don't suppose what, Ernie?

That he's here.

Ben ate them.

Oh, of course not.

They must be in here someplace if you left them there.

Dad, it's not here.

Wait a minute, Ernie.

What are you doing?

If he ate the keys, I'll hear him rattle.

Oh, now, just a minute.

Just take it easy.

Let's look around here.

I don't see them on the floor, do you?

I promised Chip I'd take care of it.

What are you doing?

I'm going to call the hospital.

Oh, now, wait a minute, Ernie.

Don't panic.

Wow.

Wow.

You, uh, you found them, huh?

Uh-huh.

Boy, what a relief.

I didn't think he, she, or it ate them.

I just ate these here.

Hey.

Hmm?

Maybe threw them over there.

Uh, yeah, maybe.

Boy, what an art.

Let's change his name from Connie Mack to Sandy Kofi.

Hi, Dad.

Just in time for the 6 O'clock feeding.

Rob, will you tell me one thing?

Just how did Ernie wind up with a baby?

Ernie?

Well, I left Jimmy with Uncle Charlie.

Jimmy?

Where do you ever get a name like that?

From Mr. and Mrs. Gray.

They're a couple of married teenagers.

Joanne and I were babysitting for them, and then, uh, well,

Joanne got fed up with married
life and went home to her mother.

Joanne got fed up with married life?

Yeah.

Dad, I'd like to get your opinion.

Do you think I'm old enough to get married?

What would you do if my answer was yes?

Well, I might never respect your opinion again.

Hey.

Better do it here at that point.

Yeah.

Uncle, help me, Rob.

Let me get a letter from Dr. Spock.