06x28 - The State vs. Chip Douglas

[bunniefuu]

Uncle Charley.

Hi.

Glad to see you home early.

It was so quiet around here, I was getting the creeps.

Where are Chip and Ernie?

At Ernie's school.

It's old grad's homecoming day.

You know, the old guys like Chip are
revisiting the school of their youth.

Old grads in grammar school?

Yeah.

In my day, kids Chip's age wore short pants
and high-button shoes and acted like kids.

Well, I've got to make a lot of calls.

I need four girls to help me with my homework.

Yeah, and that's another thing.

In my day, we carried the girls' books,
and they were no help at all.

Come on, come on.

Hi, Mr. Marlin.

Hi, Mr. Black.

Hi, Mr. Osterman.

You used to be my old math teacher.

The whole place looks pretty much the
same, except for Miss Kinnaman's room.

They ought to paint it after Lonnie Clausen
and Joe Bill Tolliver had a squirt g*n fight.

They used to have some great squirt g*n fights.

So they never had a squirt g*n fight.

They had to repaint the walls.

Hey, you stink.

Lonnie was firing washable blue.

The Joe Bill had a whole bottle of indelible red.

Boy, the things you kids get away with these days.

Hey, Douglas.

Hey, Miller.

How you doing?

Oh, getting by.

You know my kid brother, Ernie?

Yeah, you ended up at Fillmore Junior, didn't you?

Yeah.

How do you like Grover Cleveland?

Oh, it's okay.

You ever hear anything of Link Niehaus or Reber Sloan?

Well, Niehaus is in a couple of classes with me.

He shaves almost every week.

You've got to be kidding.

Every week?

Almost.

Well, what about Reaver?

I don't know what became of old Reaver.

We really had some wild times with old Reaver.

Yeah, those were the days.

Not a care in the world.

Live it up while you can, kid.

Yeah, because when you leave old
Longfellow, the fun's over.

Good to see you, Douglas.

So long.

Boy, he was a wild guy.

Hi, Ernie.

Hi, Melissa.

Melissa, you remember my brother, Chip?

Yes, I remember Chip.

Hi.

How come Melissa Carter said hi to you?

We're friends.

Since when are you friends with a girl?

Since I met Melissa.

How come a sixth grader like her is being
friendly with a fourth grader like you?

Melissa says she never knew anybody so easy to talk to.

How long has this been going on?

Ever since she spilled her hinges.

Did what?

One day at recess, she spilled a whole package
of stamp hinges, and I helped her pick them up.

She asked me if I wanted to see her
presidentials, and I said sure.

Ernie.

And then she found out I had a Liberian triangle, and
since then, I've been walking her home most every afternoon.

You mean she saves stamps now?

Sure.

Well, this is very scientific.

Why are you so interested?

No special reason.

This afternoon, I'm going over to her house.

We're going to look for honeycomb watermarks.

See you, Jimmy.

Hi, Dad, it's me.

Behind that other stack of books is Bernadine Michaels.

How do you do?

Put them out over there on that table, Bernadine.

Boy, Rob, what's with all the books?

I've got a special term project due in
sociology next week, Dad.

Bernadine is a research whiz.

Oh, you're a collaborator, huh?

Dad, she's a research whiz.

She doesn't read books by the page.

She reads them by the pound.

So, if Bernadine does the research,
what is your contribution?

Well, uh, I'm the coordinator, Dad.

Oh, don't you... Although, right
now, I guess I'm not very coordinated.

How'd it go, Bernadine?

Hot roast tonight, huh, Charlie?

With potatoes and carrots.

Yeah, right, right.

Hey, Dad, you're not going to throw that away, are you?

Well, that's what I had in mind.

But I haven't checked for valuable stamps yet.

Oh, well, here, be my guest.

This kid spends half his time in trash
cans and wastebaskets.

One man's trash is another man's treasure.

Some of the best ones are found like this.

Guy Kentucky spotted a whole bunch of
valuable stamps and some old waste paper.

He sold them for more than $23,000.

Wow.

On second thought, move over.

Well,

it looks like you've got a pretty good start here, huh?

Did you ever collect anything, Uncle Charley?

Sure.

I had the greatest collection of cigar
bands in Upper Sandusky.

Cigar bands?

Kids used to come for miles around to see
them and try to trade me out of them.

I used to collect baseball cards, too.

I didn't know they had baseball cards in the olden days.

Oh, sure.

I had Gabby Hartnett, Bobo Newsome, all of them.

Yeah, collecting can be fun.

Butterflies, rocks, bottle caps.

A guy I knew collected doorknobs.

Doorknobs, huh?

He had trunks full of them.

Never went anywhere without a screwdriver.

Yeah, knowing other collectors and sharing
your enthusiasm, that's half the fun.

At least half.

Did some of your friends collect any stamps you earned?

One in particular.

Hey, Chip, I had a whole set of homeless cat stamps.

Want to see them?

Sure, let's sit down.

Boy, that collection's really growing, you know.

Yeah.

Neat, huh?

Yeah, neat.

All kinds of cats.

Where'd you get them?

Approval sheet.

Boy, wait till Melissa sees this one with the kittens.

A girl doesn't care if a stamp is
valuable, just so it's cute.

You've got neat pollen.

Let's see how you're doing in Liberia.

Don't worry.

I see you.

I still have my triangle.

Oh, good.

I just thought... I know what you thought.

A beautiful girl like Melissa couldn't go for a
kid like me unless she was after something.

Ernie, I had to learn about women like
Melissa through long, tough experience.

Let me make my own mistakes.

They're half the fun.

You need somebody to wise you up.

You think girls are just boys gift-wrapped.

Do you think I'm a kid?

No.

I think you're riding for a fall with Melissa.

And she won't be around to pick up the pieces.

Chip, I just offered to show my Polish cats to you.

I didn't sign up for any lectures on women.

Hi, Melissa.

Chip, my goodness, you scared me.

Why should you be scared of me?

I just meant jumping out like that.

I used to wait for you here a lot, remember?

I've been kind of a hurry.

I want to talk to you for a minute.

Mother's waiting for me.

This won't take long.

Uh, I hear you're a stamp collector now.

It's a very interesting hobby.

Is that what you want to talk about?

No, I want to talk about Ernie.

You and Ernie.

Ernie is a very nice boy, and he has the
most perfect Liberian triangle I ever saw.

Sure he has, and that's all you really care about.

Chip, what a terrible thing to say.

I think Ernie is cute, and we have a common interest.

Yeah, the Liberian triangle.

Ernie and I are just friendly stamp collectors.

Ernie's just a kid.

He's just a kid and can't take care of himself.

And I'm not going to let you give him the
same treatment I got.

You're wrong.

It's not the same at all with Ernie.

And if I said I was sorry about what
happened between you and me...

It's too late to think about us.

You're not seeing Ernie anymore, or... Or what?

If I have to, I'll tell Ernie about how you and me
used to share your mother's brownies and all that junk.

I know you.

You wouldn't tell Ernie about us.

You couldn't hurt him.

How's the research coming?

The research is done, Dad.

This is Francoise Williams.

Uh, enchanté, mademoiselle.

Merci.

My name is really Frances, Mr. Douglas.

I just thought Francoise sounded more literary.

Oh, it does.

I still can't get this phrase.

Uh, Rob, I thought Bernadine was... She was, Dad.

Francoise is for grammar.

Grammar?

She's the freshman editor of the school magazine.

She wrote this story that's so profound
that nobody knows what it means.

Sounds as if Francoise is as good in her
field as Bernadine was in hers.

Right.

Nothing but the best.

And you're still, uh... A coordinator.

It really takes a lot out of a guy.

Well, don't push yourself too hard.

Nice adventure, Francoise.

Thank you, Mr. Douglas.

Well?

Come on, Charley.

Right.

Mind if I steal a piece of your cheese?

Help yourself.

Robbie got it all out for one of his low-carry specialists.

You know, Charley, I'm not so sure I
approve of this beauty queen assembly line

he's set up to manufacture his sociology project.

Well, trust Robbie to find a way to make sociology social.

Honey, she's not your friend.

Well, what you know.

I do know I went through the same thing
with her about a year ago.

I don't believe him.

Well, she was a coin collector then, and so was I.

I walked her home every afternoon.

We put our heads together over the coin catalog.

I don't want to hear.

In less than a week, she had my 1894
Indian head penny and my silver three-cent

piece, and then it was goodbye and get lost.

Melissa's not like that.

Ernie, she's being nice to you for one reason.

She wants your Liberian triangle.

Take it back.

Ernie, I'm telling you for your own good.

Take it back.

Ernie.

Take it back.

Ernie, Chip.

Ernie.

Come on, cut that out.

What's the matter with you?

Come on, what's going on here?

Nothing.

We were just kidding around.

Well, it didn't look like kidding around to me.

I was trying to show Ernie how a smart guy
keeps his guard up.

And is that your story, Ernie?

Next time, don't make the demonstration
quite so realistic, okay?

Okay.

Let me out of the driveway, will you?

Ernie?

I'll show you.

I'll prove Melissa isn't after my Liberian.

Triangle.

Ernie?

Don't you love these stamps from the Netherlands, Ernie?

The colors are so pretty.

Yeah.

Just never get tired of looking at them.

Hey, you want to check the approvals for
grills and watermarks?

In a little while.

I like you, Ernie.

There really isn't anybody at school that
knows as much about stamps as you do.

I like you, too.

Hey, look at the niacin draft.

I'm going to get one of those.

Take this one.

I couldn't do that.

I'll find one.

They're not so hard to get.

But I want you to have this one.

Anyway, since we're working together,
I'll still be seeing it any time I want to.

Please.

I'll take it.

If you'd pick out one of my stamps.

Oh, no, Ernie.

Why not?

Go ahead.

Will.

Well, if you're sure.

Anyone you want.

Anyone?

Sure.

Just like you said.

As long as it's in your collection,
I'll be able to see it any time I want to.

You're the nicest boy I've ever known, Ernie.

Oh, I guess it was 11.

Well.

You know when Melissa will be in?

No.

I'll call back.

Okay.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

Oh, hi, Ernie.

Hi, Dan.

Hi.

Say, uh, what's wrong with Ernie?

Search me.

He's been glooming around the house ever
since he got home from school.

Oh?

Any more trouble with Chip?

I don't think so.

He didn't even argue with me when I told
him he had to wash his hair tonight.

Oh, Charley, wait.

I'll take those.

The Japanese airmail, Stanley,
but that'll cheer him up, huh?

Hi, Rob.

So long, Dad.

Just passing through?

Yeah, I really got a barrel on that social project.

I'll give my regards to Francoise.

Oh, she's all finished.

Lucy Jane Atkins is taking over now.

What is Lucy Jane's specialty?

Grammar.

You see, Francoise was inspired, but she
kind of let the commas just fall where they may.

Hey, a Lucy Jane diagram sentence is just for kicks.

So long.

Ernie, I'm sorry about what I said.

You know, about Melissa.

It's okay.

No, it isn't.

I had no right butting in.

I won't do it again, honest.

Just don't be sore at me.

I'm not sore at you.

You sure?

You feel okay?

I feel great.

Ernie.

I thought you might like to have this.

Thanks, Dad.

It looks like a new issue.

Yes, sir.

No more boxing demonstrations.

Ernie knows how to take care of himself.

All right.

This is as long as I'll mind.

Hey, how about that?

It's really a new one.

Aren't you going to put it away?

It's a new issue, all right.

Later.

I knew it.

She's got his Liberian triangle.

Hi, Chip.

Hi, Melissa.

Your mom or dad home?

Mother is.

How have you been, Chip?

Great.

I'm selling tickets to the Little League picnic.

Come in.

We'll talk about it.

I know daddy will buy at least.

Three tickets to the picnic.

Swell.

I thought maybe you wanted to give me another warning.

No, I guess I was pretty dumb.

You have the right to go with anybody, even Ernie.

Are you in a hurry, Chip?

No, not that much.

Could you stay and have some cookies and milk?

Why not?

Your mom still make those great brownies?

Of course.

Nothing's changed, Chip.

Not really.

Oh, hi, Ernie.

Hi.

Ernie.

Ernie.

Wait a minute.

What's the matter, Ernie?

Nothing.

No, no, come on.

There's been something bothering you the last few days.

Why don't you tell me about it?

Is it something Chip's done?

Oh, Chip was right.

You warned me about Melissa Carter.

She didn't like me at all.

She just pretended to until she got my Liberian triangle.

Then wham.

And you wish Chip hadn't been right about it.

Next time I'm not going to be so dumb.

I should have listened to Chip.

Ernie, I'll tell you something.

Sometimes good advice about girls is the
hardest kind to take.

Dad?

Yeah?

Sometimes a guy can give other people good
advice, but he don't take it himself.

Oh, frequently.

You mean Melissa and Chip?

I'm afraid so.

Have another one, Chip.

Thanks, you're the greatest.

This is like old times.

Remember the school picnic when you and I
won the three-legged race, Chip?

Yeah, Margaret Ann Carver and Bud Beeman
claimed we tripped them.

I've still got the blue prize ribbon.

You have?

Uh-huh.

Here it is.

What do you know?

I'll bet you and I could just go.

Walk away with all the prizes at the Little League picnic.

Yeah, but you'll probably be teaming up with Ernie.

No.

He were right about Ernie and me.

It didn't work out.

You're not seeing him anymore?

No.

All he ever talks about is stamps.

And he is only in the fourth grade.

He must have been pretty shook.

He's young.

He'll get over it.

Chip, maybe we could even practice some of
the races before the picnic.

I don't know.

Don't you believe me about Ernie?

I want to.

Isn't there any way that I can prove that
Ernie and I are through?

Maybe there is.

Just tell me how, Chip.

I want it to be like old times.

Rob?

Yeah, Ernie.

Are you busy?

Can I talk to you?

Oh, I'm not too busy.

Have a seat.

What's on your mind?

Well, you see, Chip said you knew all about girls.

Well, there's this girl.

You?

Me.

And that isn't the worst.

She's an older woman.

Well, how much older?

Two years at least.

Eleven.

Boy, a real old lady.

Look, you're going to make jokes.

Oh, no, no.

I'm sorry.

Sit down again.

Let's hear it, Ernie.

What I want to know is, how do you keep
from getting involved?

You meet a girl, it's all ice cream and
cake, strictly for laughs.

Then before you know it, you're waiting
for her after school and carrying her books.

Yeah, and wondering why she doesn't answer the phone.

And if she's really out with her father.

And whether that boy she's kissing is
really her brother, like she says.

Well, you know something, Ernie?

It's the education of a man.

We all go through it.

Little by little, you'll learn, and, well,
maybe next time, you'll have more sense.

Will I?

Of course not.

Gee, thanks, Rob.

I feel better already.

Hey, Ernie.

Yeah?

You can bring your problems to me any time.

Okay.

Hi, Chip.

How come you're not over at Melissa Carter's house?

She bores me.

She does?

All she talks about is the pretty colors and the cute
pictures, because that's what stamp collecting is all about.

I'm not going to waste any more time on her.

I think you're smart.

Anyway, by next week, she'll probably be
collecting something else.

You say I found this.

I think it's yours.

I thought it was gone for good.

So that's what you were doing over at Melissa's house.

Yeah.

You ought to be more careful with valuable
stuff like Liberian triangles.

I'm gonna be, from now on.

Chip?

Thanks.

Okay.

Rob?

Hi, Dad.

Uh, this young lady... Ruth Hazel Lerner.

She types over a hundred words a minute.

I suppose she's typing your sociology project.

Yeah, and I think it'll be great, Dad.

I really should pull an A on this.

Rob, for your own good, I don't think I
can let you turn in this paper.

Not turn it in.

But, Dad, this is the best thing I've ever done.

Do you think it's fair to take the credit
when four girls have done all the work?

All the work?

Now, Dad.

Bernadine did the research, Francoise did
the writing, Lucy June, and Hazel Ruth.

Ruth Hazel.

I'm sorry.

But they're supposed to.

All of the executive coordinators.

Of course, but...

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Chip.

Dad, you know the Little League picnic's
two weeks from Saturday.

Well, that's right.

I promised to buy some tickets, didn't I?

You'll only need four.

I won't be going.

Why not?

I plan to be sick.