06x30 - The Wrong Robbie

[bunniefuu]

Rob, don't let it beat on you.

I mean, you have your high school charm
and college charm are two different things.

What you had, you lost.

Look, I'm telling you, somebody is
spreading the word on me.

If it's a practical joke, okay, I can laugh
with the next guy, but the joke's over.

Hey, uh, this wouldn't be one of your
bright ideas, would it, Mark?

Who, me?

No, no, any ideas I have, I say for journalism.

Mr. Kittlebrew, you know, what's your name, young man?

I seem to forget, luckily.

Uh, Douglas, Robbie Douglas.

It is a name that will be etched on my mind with acid.

Good morning.

Oh, it's you, funny man.

I think it'd be a good idea if you watched
it from here on in.

You know that guy?

Yeah, yeah, I've seen him around, but I, I mean,
I never did anything to hack him that I know of.

No, you'd never do anything to hack him.

You're staging all this stuff, aren't you?

Right.

Well, what makes you think I'd do a jerky thing like that?

Because you're always with me when this
stuff happens, or at least most of the time.

What, you think I can walk up to a teacher
and tell him to chew you out?

Look, whatever it is, you're doing it yourself.

Maybe you ought to get your head gone over.

Hey, there's Julie Dawes.

I've seen her around campus before.

Now, there's one smiling face.

Hey, Julie, you don't know me, but my name is Robbie.

I bathed every vein in swish liqueur,
which virtue engendered as the flower.

Chip, I think that's pronounced floor,
you know, so it rhymes with liqueur.

Steve, does he have to practice his Spanish at the table?

It's not Spanish, it's English.

Yeah?

Well, if that's English, I'm King Ferdinand.

It's Chaucer, Charlie.

Yeah, I knew it wasn't English.

I've been listening real good.

So far, I don't understand anything anybody.

And me, too.

Ernie, Chaucer was a 14th century poet.

I bet there isn't a kid in America who hasn't had to
learn 16 lines of Chaucer somewhere along the line.

Right, Rob?

I guess.

I have to stand up in front of the class
next week and say this creepy stuff out loud.

Yeah, and if he forgets any of it, he's scared
that fat Ruth Ellen Grundy will laugh at him.

Uh, Chip, why don't you and Ernie
help Uncle Charley with the dishes, huh?

Okay.

She's not fat.

And where'd you hear about Ruth Ellen Grundy?

I'm talking, you're asleep.

Rob, you're, uh, not your usual jolly self tonight.

Anything wrong?

Yeah.

Uh, something at school?

Yeah.

It's not that something's wrong, it's weird.

What kind of weird?

I just can't figure it out.

Do you want to talk about it?

Yeah, but not now.

Only if it gets worse.

Maybe excuse me.

Sure.

Therefore, there is no real definition to the word music.

Now, we all know what it means.

But to the Bushmen and to the Hottentot,
the meaning loses clarity.

You find that amusing, young man?

No, Mr. Kilbrew, no.

Well, I was just nodding to my friend
that I'd never thought of that before, sort of.

Thank you for your vote of approval.

Therefore, music, as we in the Western
world see it, means one thing.

As the Oriental world sees it, means another, and so on.

Well, I'm afraid our time is up.

We'll pursue this subject more next week.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

You see what I mean?

Well, you sure you never cut him off in traffic or
say something rotten about his wife or something?

I never see him except right here in this class.

Well, somebody must be spreading the word
you're a foul ball.

Are you a gentleman having a meeting?

Uh, no, Mr. Killebrew.

Mr. Killebrew, could I ask you something?

All right.

Have I ever done something that,
well, that made you not like me, sort of?

I'd say the answer to that lies somewhere within yourself.

Wouldn't you?

What was that all about?

Oh, who knows?

My English lit teacher hates me even worse.

I tried to talk to four girls and they act
like I'm a typhoid carrier.

Oh, well, listen, all those guys who went to high
school with you know what a real nothing you are.

Come on, cheer up.

Excuse me, Mr. Douglas, but would you mind
if I used your doorway?

Whatever you've got, I hope it isn't catching.

Why, Uncle Charley, doing homework in the
daytime is like taking a bath on Monday.

Too bad.

I got three programs I want to see
tonight, and I'm not going to have the

stories wrecked by having to yell at you
guys all the way through them.

My teacher says the programs you watch put
dance in your brain.

Yeah, well, you tell your teacher...

Put dance in my brain?

He means they're detrimental.

Won that umbrella with his shoes,
so to the drought of March, hath pierced

to the Rhoda and bathed every vein and swished
the curve, of which virtue engendered is the flower.

I mean, floor.

Spanish.

All day long.

Hello.

Hello.

Is Dad home?

Man, hello to you, too.

He's in the front room.

Why, Robbie, looks like he's flunking something.

I think he's flunking people.

Well, how long has this been going on, Rob?

Well, it only got bad the last few days.

When I first got to the campus, everything was great.

Then, little by little, this thing started.

It's getting so that now, people I hardly
even know are yelling at me or ignoring me.

A lot of people?

Well, no.

No, just here and there.

But it's enough to make a guy go out and
buy a new toothpaste or something.

You don't think it could be you, do you?

What do you mean?

Well, I remember when I first went to
college, I was, well, I was a little obnoxious.

I mean, well, I did things like, well, when I
went on a date, I'd take my saxophone every time.

I thought the world just couldn't wait to hear me
knock off a fast chorus of Casa Loma Stop or something.

You're sure it's nothing like that with you?

No, I'm the same sweet kid I always was.

Well, I'm just kidding.

Hey, I know what it is.

What?

Dad, you remember that kid who swapped my
gym shoes in high school and you had to go

yell at his father and his father cried
because you hinted that his son was a crook?

Who did that?

Well, I've seen him a couple of times on campus.

I'll bet you he's spreading the word on me.

What word?

I mean, what could he possibly say, Rob?

Well, you could say plenty when you hate somebody.

I bet she tells everybody he runs into
that I'm a creep and that I kick dogs.

Well, sure, he's the one.

Boy, thanks, Dad.

Thanks for what?

Well, for letting me talk so long that I
finally figured it out.

Oh, I'll be right back.

Hey, wait a minute.

Where are you going?

Charley's almost ready with dinner.

I'm going to go to that guy's house and straighten him out.

Well, Rob, just words now, no fists.

I mean it.

Oh, Dad, I wouldn't hit him.

I wouldn't want his father to cry again.

I made that every vein and swish liqueur
of which virtue engendered is the flower.

Oh.

Now, teacher, chips ought to be shut.

Just a way of making kids aware English
didn't always sound the way it does today, Charlie.

Anybody knows that.

Between this Chaucer character and that
Shakespeare, they followed up the language pretty good.

It's a wonder the people like Mark Twain
and Damon Runyon ever got it straightened out.

Where's Joe Colley?

Uh, he had to go off for a little while, Charlie.

He's kind of an emergency.

He's trying to track down the source of his unpopularity.

Hank, you can't let it bother you if you
get unpopular at school.

No one would sit in their Jerome Hay slip for three weeks.

He finally figured out it was his tennis shoes.

Well, that was a quick trip.

As I was getting into my car, I remembered that
he flunked out of college after the first two weeks.

So there ain't gonna be any pinochle tonight.

I just told you, we got a very close-knit
family going here.

When one of us is in trouble, the rest of
us try to think them out of it.

Look, I'll call you when we get this thing settled.

How come you just let her walk away when
she smacked you, Rob?

Next time she hits you, try a judo chop on her clavicle.

I say Robbie is right.

That Marv character is staging this whole thing.

Him or some other boob friend of Robbie.

I got it.

You know that fraternity I pledged?

They're the ones.

Yeah, but you're just a pledge.

You don't belong yet.

Well, sure, I know, but sometimes they stage
pre-initiation hazing to see how a guy can take it.

Now, they could easily talk a teacher into
giving me the business.

And you know that football player?

Well, he's actually in the fraternity.

And any girl would be glad to cooperate.

Well, sure, it's all a gag.

Oh, thanks for letting me talk until I
figured it out by myself.

You're welcome.

You know, Rick's a guy's egomaniac.

They have a brother everybody hates.

Oh, boy.

Isn't that funny?

Gee.

Hey, Rob.

Hi, Marv.

The fraternity had nothing to do with it.

How do you know?

Well, I checked the pledge list,
and they dropped both of us.

You'll be getting a card in the mail tomorrow.

Oh, man.

Well, what's the matter?

We weren't that gone on the sigmas anyway.

Yeah, I know, but I thought that they were the ones.

I don't know.

Maybe the answer is that I really am obnoxious.

Maybe we both are.

I would have noticed it about you.

Get your mouth protector.

Here she comes again.

Hey, wait a minute.

Hold up a minute.

I want to talk to you.

Go of my arm.

I'm not going to let go of your arm until
you tell me why you smacked me yesterday.

I'm not going to tell you anything.

If you don't let go, I'm going to call...

Oh, look at him.

If you don't think you're a luscious
comedian, don't give me a smooch.

What do you mean, hi?

Weird, isn't it?

You mean you've known about me?

Sure.

I saw you the day I hit town, last Friday,
coming out of a bowling alley with a blonde.

This likeness we have is called a non-genetic duplication.

I understand it's very rare, except in the
immediate family.

Are we related?

Nah, nah, I checked.

My name is Doug Frazier, and you're Robbie Douglas.

Now our resemblance is purely accidental.

Except for the hairstyle, which is deliberate, I might add.

Oh, Robbie, I'm so sorry.

I thought I was hitting him.

Or did I hit him?

No, you hit me.

I've been getting this icy stare from everybody.

And Julie smacked me because she thought I was you.

Oh, you did?

What a shame.

Mm-hmm.

But now I know who the right one is, don't I?

Ah, she must be hypersensitive.

Yeah, well, so am I when it comes to
getting rotten grades and losing all my friends.

And I expect you to straighten out this foul.

Oh, I will.

I'll let everybody know that I'm not you, Douglas.

Or am I?

Well, I understand.

It's like looking into a mirror.

He even combs his hair like I do.

And except for him wearing a little more
expensive clothes, we could be twins.

Of course, it's very rare, but it does happen, Rob.

People that aren't related look exactly like each other.

Remember, they used to double for General
Montgomery during the w*r.

People used to tell me I looked like Wendell Wilkie.

Dad, messing around with the knobs never works.

You gotta go rattle the window.

Rattle the window?

Which window?

That window.

It's not as dumb as it sounds, Dad.

The insulation on the aerial's goofed up.

There's shorts on the metal strip at the
bottom of the window.

This window?

What do you know?

Science is getting more complicated by the minute.

Anyway, it's a relief.

Yeah.

Oh, you mean about your double?

Yeah.

It'll be nice for a chance to go back to
class without getting chewed out.

That's him, Mrs. Ellery.

He's positively the one.

I'll handle this, Miss Trisman.

Come in, young man.

Is your name Douglas?

Yes, ma'am.

Robbie Douglas.

Do you recognize this young lady?

No, ma'am.

He's lying.

I'd know that face anywhere.

How can you lie like that?

He's lying.

Please, Miss Trisman, do you deny coming
up to Miss Trisman here in a high-powered

foreign car, leaping out, kissing her, and then saying,
remember the name, honey, Douglas the Kissing Bandit?

Dean, if you could see my car, you'd...

Yes, ma'am, I deny it.

Well, I wouldn't do a thing like that,
and, well, I don't know this girl.

But there's somebody who looks exactly like...

No, ma'am, I... I don't know this girl, honest.

Do you really think that guy goes around
kissing girls and following you up on purpose?

I know he does.

He's even using my name now.

I've been looking all weekend for him.

He must have a cave somewhere and come out at night.

Hey, you know, one out of ten girls might like that.

You're liable to get some fringe benefits.

He gets the benefits.

I get clobbered.

That's how the gamut happens.

House treats, kissing bandits.

Oh, boy, that did it.

Well, what are you going to do?

Just watch.

From now on, Robbie Douglas strikes back.

Rob, that's nothing but revenge.

It sure is.

I'm going to lower my voice and talk the way
he does and go around town fouling him up.

If he has any friends, he won't have for long.

Well, before you do anything, Rob,
let's talk about it, huh?

Oh, I just can't get this thing to... Dad,
all you have to do is rattle the window.

Oh, now, Ernie, there must be some way to
adjust this thing other than rattling the window.

I'm going to make an announcement,
and everybody in this family is going to listen.

I just finished donning four million socks, and
there ain't no two of them that match together.

From here on in, any Jasper who doesn't
put his socks together in the ball when he

wants them washed is going to find them out in the alley.

Everybody get the bulletin?

Okay, Charlie.

Yeah.

I give up on this.

Rob, where's Rob?

He's up in his room.

Why don't you let him work things out his own way, Steve?

Huh?

Maybe you're right.

Dad, as long as you're up, you want to go
rattle the window for TV?

Oh, no, we're going to need that.

Okay.

Well, it's pretty silly, but it works.

Hey, Dad, I think I finally learned the poem.

You want to hear it?

Sure, why don't you?

I've got to say it tomorrow in front of the whole class.

One that appriled with his sure,
so did the jar to march, hath pierced it

to the rota, and bathed every vein and swished
the cur, of which virtue engendered is the fluid.

That's fine, Jim, fine.

Hi, buddy boy.

Oh, well, Frazier, you finally showed up.

Well, when Robbie gets here, you're gonna
get clobbered right back.

Huh, I am?

I mean, he is.

Yeah, I lowered my voice a few tones and I
borrowed this outfit from Bud Morgan.

That Frazier's gonna get a taste of what
he's been dishing out.

I'm gonna practice that voice of his and
then I'm gonna wander downtown and

everybody who says hello, I'm gonna be a rat.

I'm gonna find every girl he's met so far
and I'm gonna propose to Omaha.

Well, listen, you don't have to do all this.

Oh, yes, I do, because it's the only thing a
guy like him understands, and I'm gonna love it.

Yeah, but look, you're not getting my message.

I just found out I got a boy
named Robbie Douglas in trouble

with a Dean of women because
of you, you, you kissing monster.

You know, I thought... You creep.

You better get off this campus fast.

Do you realize my house kept Rob Douglas
from becoming a Sigma because of you?

You mean you were gonna... I
mean, you were gonna let him in?

Yes, and now the lists are closed.

I gotta take you apart.

Wait a minute.

My name is Robbie Douglas.

Oh, that's what I call being saved by the bell.

That guy wouldn't believe you're Robbie Douglas.

He doesn't think that fast.

That's from the Gamma House.

We found out who's the real kissing bandit.

You.

Thanks for spreading the word.

Well, what does she mean, spreading the word?

Well, that's what I've been trying to tell you.

I circulated your picture around.

You know the one in the sweater you always wear?

And I tipped everybody off about the
difference in your voices.

Well, thanks a lot.

You almost got me k*lled.

Well, it was the least I could do.

Wait up, Robbie.

I'll walk to class with you.

Well, at least there's somebody who doesn't hate me.

Oh, uh, Julie, let's go down this way.

I think there's someone over there you don't care for.

Definitely.

Well, what do you think of... All right, Fraser.

Let's go see the Dean of men.

We have no business on this campus.

No, Mr. Kilbury, this is all a mistake.

You see, really, I'm a... Let's go see the Dean.

This morning I learned from this young man
the difference between you and Robbie Douglas.

You have a strange mentality, Fraser.

Come along.

Yes,

the resemblance is startling.

Which is which, boys?

Douglas, Robbie Douglas.

Douglas, Douglas Frazier.

That won't do, will it?

How about identification?

You may as well know, boys, I've sent for your parents.

You're Robert Douglas?

Yes, sir.

I won't need that.

Then you're the troublemaker.

I'm interested, Frazier.

Why did you do it?

Make all of this nuisance for Douglas, I mean.

Kicks, I guess.

Kicks.

Interesting word, kicks.

It usually denotes self, never putting
yourself in another's position.

Am I right, Frazier?

Hmm, if you say so.

Yes, if I say so.

There's usually a reason for this retreat
into self, Frazier.

I find it interesting to delve into these reasons.

Come in.

I'm here.

Your Clara is here, son.

Hello, Clara.

I believe in first names between a mother and son.

It's much less stifling.

What are you doing to my boy?

Why have you kept him a prisoner here?

He isn't a student in this preposterous little academy.

My dear Mrs. Frazier.

Never mind.

Mr. Douglas explained the whole thing to
me when we locked bumpers in the parking lot.

Oh, your father is going to be furious.

You know how he hates to have the limousine jostled.

Well, there was no damage, Mrs. Frazier.

My fault, Mr. Douglas.

It's all my fault.

The accident, trying to raise my Douglas
to be a fine young man.

My fault.

All my fault.

I got myself in my own jam and I'll get myself out.

I thought it was funny, okay, so it wasn't.

I'll do anything you want, only let me get out of here.

I'm sorry.

Well, Robbie?

Why, that boy looks exactly like my baby.

Douglas?

What have you done to my boy?

He never spoke to me this way in my life.

Douglas, wait!

You see what I mean, Dad?

I just can't believe it.

I always like to know why things happen.

This time I got my answers fast.

Yes, it's like rattling a window to get a clear picture.

What?

Rob will explain it when you have more time, Dean.

Thanks, Ernie.

Thanks, Dean.

Goodbye.

Vamos a la escuela.

Alla va a la escuela.

Yo voy a la escuela.

Hey, Chip, will you lay off that Chaucer
stuff at the table?

This time it isn't Chaucer, it's Spanish.

Well, at least Robbie is okay again.

Now everybody knows you're the wrong Robbie.

Every time you do something rotten, they'll blame him.

What's wrong with his mother?

Well, Ernie, she's what they call overconfident.

She's overindulgent.

When they call it that, what do they mean?

Well, it means she gives him too much of
everything except concern.

It turns out he has three cars, a whole
closet full of suits, and his own bank account.

But nobody cares for him.

That's why he rebels.

Yeah, that's like Harold Morsley's dog.

Harold Morsley's dog?

Yeah, he bought him a fancy leash and a
sweater and a collar with knobs all over it.

But they forget to pet him.