06x31 - The Wheels

[bunniefuu]

Yes.

Hey, did he get it?

Do you see it?

I see his golf bag.

But I don't see anything else.

Come on.

Hey, Dad, did you win it?

Did I win what?

Sure he did.

Look at the grin on his face.

What are you fellas talking about?

Oh, you mean this?

Yes.

Charley, I want to tell you, I was so lucky.

Puds were dropping in from all over the place.

My second shot on 18, I hooked into a tree, it
bounced on the green and went right in the hole.

Like that?

Like that.

They say it ain't how, it's how many.

Hey, Uncle Charley, break out the cake.

Oh, the cake, yes.

Guy, look at it.

First place, low gross.

Hey, you won low gross.

Yeah.

I thought it was for golf.

It is, though.

That's what you win if it isn't a net.

Boy, this is sure better than a net, huh, Dan?

Oh, sure it is, Ernie.

I won low net once before, but never low gross.

We cleared a place for it and everything.

Hey, you, uh, you fellas were pretty sure
I was gonna win this, weren't you?

Oh, sure.

Ernie, this is your first trophy celebration.

Okay, everybody, installation ceremony.

This is the only part that hurts.

Come on, Ernie.

Okay, Dad, put it up on the shelf.

All right.

There we are.

The winner.

These three here are Dad's other ones for golf.

And these are mine from Little League.

And these three are mine for track and wrestling.

Just feast your eyes on that beauty I want.

This one, for boxing in the Merchant Marine.

Boy, everybody wants something.

Yeah, even tr*mp's got one, for being the
hairiest dog in a YMCA pet show.

Even tr*mp.

Hey, fellas, we've got to get something up there for Ernie.

After all, that's a trophy show for the whole family.

But I've never won anything.

Sure you did.

What about those marbles?

You won from Pete Hilliard.

You won them all back.

Hey, how about this?

Hey, yeah, the Astro Ernie made in shock.

Yeah, and it's a real winner, too, Ernie.

Here, we'll put it right there.

Huh?

Ba-bing!

Yay!

Another winner!

You see, Ernie?

Everybody in this family wins.

Yeah, how about that, Ernie?

Ah.

Ah.

All right, everybody to the kitchen.

Keep the crumbs out of the living room.

Okay.

Did you all smash that?

Yeah, I only won by one stroke.

It was that magnificent.

It was that magnificent shot on 18 that did it.

Come on, Ernie, before those buzzards clear up everything.

Champions in action.

This is Ray Martin, holder of the world's record,
winning the high hurdles at the New York Games.

America challenges Japan and Australia in
the swim relays at Melbourne.

The event is won by Ernie Douglas.

And it's Ernie Douglas winning the
marathon from Boston to New York.

It's Ernie Douglas winning the mile at Tokyo.

The winner of the All-American lower is Ernie Douglas.

The winner of the 200-yard freestyle.

Who else?

Ernie Douglas.

Ernie Douglas.

Ernie, what's the matter?

Nothing.

Why are you lying there with your face twitching?

It's not twitching.

I'm breathing underwater.

Anyway, I tried it in the bathtub.

I kept getting caught on the faucets.

What's the big deal about swimming?

The park department's having a meet in two weeks.

Swimming, boxing, and track and everything.

They're giving away silver cups for prizes.

Boy, Ernie.

Ernie, all you've been talking about
lately is how you have to win a silver cup.

That puts your ashtray up on the shelf.

An ashtray isn't a trophy.

Nobody else in the family has a dumb ashtray in the shelf.

I'm going to win a trophy for it.

A real trophy.

It really bugs you, doesn't it?

Chip, there's got to be something I can win it.

Yeah, well, you better forget swimming.

What other events do they have?

Let's see.

Swimming, gymnastics.

Hey, you might be pretty good at that.

Sure, why not?

What is it?

You know, somersaults and handsprings and jump.

Hey, me.

Hey, let's see you do a back somersault.

I can work out a whole bunch of stuff.

Back somersaults, front somersaults.

What's the matter?

I'm stuck.

Okay, let's see what else they have.

What do you do when you play with the other kids?

It's only Pete Hilliard, and he's always
picking on me anyhow.

So what do you do?

Just stand around and take it?

Usually I get mad and then kick him in the
shins and run away.

What does he do when he catches you?

What do you mean catches me?

I run so fast that he never catches me.

I'm so fast that he could... Hey, that's it.

Track.

Let me see that list.

What do you got in mine?



That's it.

You're a sprinter.

I am?

How do you like that?

And I never even knew it.

I can run fast too.

Okay, you guys, soup's a...

What's that?

That's just Ernie.

What's he doing, training a lot of elephants?

He's running the mile.

In the bedroom?

You know, standing in one place to build up his win.

Well, if he doesn't watch out, there's something else
that's going to need some building up, like the ceiling.

Hey, Chip, Ernie, chow's on.

Boy, it's true.

Ernie, am I hungry?

Well, trot right into the kitchen.

Hey, come on, where you going?

Chip says every time I run downstairs, I ought
to turn around and run back up and down again.

It's to develop his leg muscles.

Well, the finish line is in the kitchen.

Better go up one more time.

Hey, catch him the next time around.

I think his accelerator is stuck.

I'm.

Going to win this one, so my father
doesn't have to stick an old Clay ashtray

in the mantelpiece, and we can have a chocolate cake, and
my brother can play his trumpet because I practice a lot.

Attention, please.

All contestants for the boys' 50-yard
dash, report to the starting line.

That's me.

Hey, did you see Ernie eyeing those trophies?

He looked like a hound at a butcher shop window.

Tell me, did you bake the cake?

I don't see what makes you so sure.

Well, after all the coaching me and Rob gave him.

He can move pretty fast, Uncle Charley.

He practiced running from Pete Hilliard so
he wouldn't get punched in the nose.

On your Mark.

That's it.

Whistle.

Come on, Ernie, Ernie, come on.

How, Ernie, how?

Where.

Do I finish?

Uh, seventh.

Nice going, Ernie.

Seventh?

How many were in the race?

Uh, seven.

Mom, let's go home.

Ernie?

Yeah?

Don't you know it's real late?

Yeah, I know.

I was worried about you.

I woke up and you were gone.

What were you doing sitting here in the dark?

Thinking.

About what?

I don't want to talk about it.

Okay.

I guess sometimes a guy needs to be alone.

I guess.

Night.

Night.

Oh, hi, tr*mp.

What are you doing in the house this time of night?

I let him in, Dad.

Oh, hi, Ernie.

What are you doing up?

It's almost 11 O'clock.

I was waiting for you.

Oh, uh, something special, I guess, huh?

Uh-huh.

Well, I'll tell you, why don't we go out in the
kitchen and have a glass of milk and we'll talk about it?

I don't think I want any milk, thank you.

Oh.

Well, uh, what's on your mind, Ernie?

I ran that race today.

Oh, that's right.

Today was the day, wasn't it?

How'd you do?

I came in last.

Well, that isn't what you're worried about, is it?

I mean, somebody always has to come in last.

Nobody in this family but me ever does.

Look, Ernie, we have... Even tr*mp has a first place.

Like Robbie said the other day,
everybody in this family wins.

Only I guess I can't.

I'm a born loser.

So I just waited up to tell you that you don't have
to keep me adopted in the family if you don't want to.

Oh, no, no, no.

Wait a minute.

Sit down here.

Ernie, let me explain to you about those trophies.

Sometimes people do things without thinking
that will give other people the wrong idea.

Like the other afternoon after I won at golf.

We had that trophy ceremony.

That didn't mean anything, Ernie.

It's just something we do to have a little fun, that's all.

Didn't you want to win?

Oh, I'm glad I won.

I guess everybody likes to win, but
winning isn't the important thing, Ernie.

The important thing is always to do your very best.

And I'm sure you did your best in the race
today, didn't you?

Sure.

Only I got clobbered.

Well, then the fact that you came in last
doesn't matter to me.

And it doesn't matter to Robbie or Chip or Uncle Charlie.

And you can see it doesn't matter to tr*mp.

Dumb dog just likes to lick people.

No, no, he's not so dumb.

He just knows who's part of our family, that's all.

And you are part of our family, Ernie, for good.

And that's the way we want it.

Whether you come in first or last or in between.

Okay?

I guess so.

Well, let's go out in the kitchen and get that
glass of milk and then we'll get to bed, huh?

All right.

Or if you change your mind or anything,
just tell me and I can resign or something.

So then Uncle Charley said, that Dad said, that
Ernie said, that maybe he ought to resign from the family.

Poor kid.

Hey, what are all those pictures?

Well, they're just girls I know.

Boy, gotta give you a trophy for girl collecting.

You gonna pay close too?

Uh, no, those are rejects.

Hey.

Hey, can I have them?

What for?

I might as well start a collection too.

Chip, uh, start your own collection.

Well, anyway, Dad kept telling Ernie how
he was part of the family.

Everybody likes him and stuff, but
Uncle Charley doesn't think it went over.

Well, of course not.

Dad ought to know that talk is going to
mean nothing to a little kid.

You know the only thing that's going to
make Ernie really feel like he's part of the family?

Win a trophy.

Right.

Yeah, but how?

Well, that's what you and I have to figure out.

Uncle Charley.

Uncle Charley.

Is Ernie here?

No, Ernie isn't here.

He went over to the school playground by himself.

What are you doing?

I don't want him to see what I just got.

For the love of people.

What did you do?

Get elected Miss American?

Yeah, but he's coming.

Hey, Chip, did you get one?

Did I get one?

Take a look at this.

Hey, that's terrific.

I was talking to some kid.

He has a whole bunch of stuff like this in his attic.

And his great uncle went with horse racing.

They said they didn't want him messing up
the place any longer.

He let me pick the biggest one of the bunch.

What's Ernie gonna do?

Enter the Kentucky Derby?

Who doesn't say anything on there about horse racing?

It's just his first prize.

What do you think that thing is on top?

The Statue of Liberty?

That's no problem.

Come here, Chip.

I hope this works.

What are you gonna do?

Hang on a second.

You'll see.

Hold this, Chip.

I can just get old Seabiscuit off here.

This is gonna work.

Jackpot.

How about that?

Looks terrific.

Now all we have to do is set up a racer and it can win.

Yeah.

You round up some kids.

The worst runners you can find.

I'll talk to this guy.

I know at college he's the manager of the
freshman track team.

He can be the official and we'll tell
Ernie it's for some special event.

Perfect.

Hey, suppose Ernie doesn't win.

We gotta make sure he does.

Get some real little kids.

Yeah, I know.

If Ernie doesn't win this time, he'll sure want to resign.

Yeah, that's right.

Hey, Uncle Charley.

Yeah?

Hey, Uncle Charley, could you tell me
again, how do they fix a race?

Boy, that's the biggest trophy I've ever seen.

It's bigger than the ones you or Dad won or anybody.

Well, that's how they do things in college, Ernie.

But none of us kids are in college.

Well, it's like I told you.

The college is sponsoring this to
encourage promising track stars for the future.

It's all a physical ed idea.

That couple look pretty good on the
mantelpiece, hey, Ernie?

All contestants over here for final instructions.

Uh, hey, Ernie, I'll put you through some
last-minute warm-ups.

But I have to get final instructions.

Come on, Ernie, do you want to win or don't you?

Okay,

you guys, now don't forget, nobody wins except Ernie.

And everybody keeps quiet about this whole
thing or no ice cream cones after the race.

Got it?

Okay, let's get started.

And may the best man win.

Oh, well, remember, Ernie's the best man.

Contestants to the starting line.

There's the whistle, Ernie.

Now get in there and pour it on.

Oh, boy.

Runners to your marks.

Set.

Ernie.

Douglas.

Yay!

Did I win it?

Did I really win the trophy?

You sure did, boy.

Hey, where's he going?

Hey,

everybody ready?

Here you are, Ernie.

Fudge caramel two-layered.

Oh, boy.

Isn't he beautiful, Uncle Charley?

A real eye-putter-outer.

Big strobe of all.

Yeah, go ahead and put her on up there, Ernie.

Yeah.

Here, I'll help you.

Hey!

Gosh, it looks swell.

Ernie Douglas, the trophy winner.

Congratulations, Ernie.

Dad.

Hi, Dad.

Hey.

Oh, hi, fellas.

Hey, what's going on?

Gee, Dad, I'm glad you're home early.

I won a trophy.

You won a trophy?

No kidding, Ernie.

Yeah, come on, I'll show it to you.

Okay.

There it is, Dad.

Boy, oh, boy.

Physical Ed gave it to me for winning a race.

Physical Ed?

This is guy who goes to Robbie's car.

Golland.

Well, it's certainly a big one, isn't it?

I guess I really belong in the family now, huh, Dad?

Well, you always did, Ernie.

I've told you that.

Well, let's eat.

Oh, I forgot the plates.

I'll go get them.

Oh, thanks.

Ernie got this for winning a race?

Yeah, pretty nice, huh, Dad?

Yeah.

Hey, wait a minute, what's this?

Sea Dolly Breeder's Steaks, 1953.

Oh, my gosh, I forgot to look at the bottom.

Rob.

Where are you going, Uncle Charley?

Uncle Charley baked a cake just for me, Dad.

Caramel fudge.

Oh, that's great, Ernie, but I tell you, I think I'd
better go up and wash my hands before I eat anything.

Your hands look pretty clean, Ernie, but Robbie,
you and Chip, you'd better come up and wash, too.

But, Dad, I just... Come on, wash your hands.

Why don't you sit here and guard my trophy
until you get back?

Hey, Ernie, I think we'd better put it up
on the shelf so it doesn't fall or anything.

Boy.

You mean to tell me you fixed the race?

Pretty neat, huh?

Dad, you should have seen Ernie's face
when he crossed that finish line.

Yeah.

Well, fellas, I'm sure your intentions were
good, but I'm going to have to tell Ernie the truth.

Tell him?

Well, Dad, you can't do that.

Yeah, the trophy won't mean anything.

It doesn't mean anything now, does it?

But, Dad, you'll ruin everything.

Chip, there's nothing to ruin.

But Ernie's going to want to resign from the family again.

Chip.

Chip.

Forget it.

But Dad's going to spoil everything.

Why does he have to come in and spoil everything?

I guess he just doesn't understand kids.

Steve.

Ernie.

Can we have the cake now, Dad?

Well, I'd, uh, I'd like to talk to you first.

Are you proud of me?

I'm always proud of you, Ernie.

There's, uh, something on the bottom of
this trophy I don't think you saw.

What?

Breeder's stakes?

I don't get it.

It's a race for horses, Ernie.

Horses?

Yeah.

Yeah, this trophy was won by a horse.

But there's a man on top.

I know.

Ernie, uh, Robbie and Chip think a lot of you, and they
knew how very much you wanted to win a trophy, so...

Well, they did something that they thought was all
right to do, or they wouldn't have done it, I guess, but...

Well, it really wasn't, Ernie.

What did they do?

Well, they picked up this trophy somewhere, and then
they talked the other boys in the race into letting you win.

You mean it wasn't a real race?

No, it wasn't, Ernie.

That tears it.

I thought I won something.

No.

No, not this time.

And the only reason I'm telling you this
is because one of these days you will win

a trophy for something, and then you can
feel good about it because, well,

it'll really stand for something,
something you've achieved.

And that's the only thing that makes a trophy
worth anything is the achievement behind it.

Otherwise, it's just a hunk of hardware, isn't it?

Yeah, I guess.

Why does he have to ruin everything?

Well, I guess you better tell Chip and
Robbie to give this back to that horse.

Okay.

I'm sorry to tell you this, Ernie, but, well, I
guess I'm only telling you because you're my son.

You mean if I was just some kid like I was before I was
adopted, you wouldn't have told me all about this stuff?

I probably wouldn't have, Ernie.

I mean, you would have let me keep the trophy instead of
telling me all about that achievement that will come later.

Yeah, I might have.

But you're not just some kid I know.

You're my son.

Oh, boy, am I ever glad he told me.

Good.

Can you beat that?

How do you suppose Dad got to know so much about kids?

Well, let's have a piece of cake, huh?

But I didn't win it.

Well, let's eat it anyway.

Hey, fellas!

Well, I have to admit, Dad handled the
whole business with Ernie pretty well.

Where is Ernie, anyhow?

He went down to the drugstore to get some flea powder.

Hey, you guys!

Look what happened to me!

Another trophy?

Oh, boy, look at that.

Oh, boy, isn't that beautiful?

What did you get?

Oh, wow.

I was getting some flea powder for tr*mp,
and this blue slip came out of the cash register.

And it meant that I was the 50,000th customer.

And they gave me this trophy, and they
took pictures for the newspaper,

and they had this girl there who kissed me.

That was great.

Uncle Charlie, what are we waiting for?

Go get the cake.

Oh, now you're talking.

And I'm talking about tr*mp, and congratulations.

Hey, come on, we can put it up on the show.

Hey, he's got a place for your name and everything.

Here, Chip, take the sleeper.

Boy, it's pretty impressive.

Dad'll really be proud when he gets home.

It's just a hunk of hardware.