07x01 - Stag at Bay

[bunniefuu]

See, Dad, could I borrow a few dollars?

Yeah, I guess so, Ralph.

Oh, thanks.

You're going to the formal bit, huh?

Big date?

No, no, just a dinner party.

This darn guy.

Uh, see, Dad.

Hmm?

Oh, here.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, wait a minute.

See if you can't straighten that out a little for me.

Oh, yeah?

Why don't you get one of those clip-on ties?

Oh, if I didn't have trouble tying my bow
tie, I wouldn't feel I was going formal.

Thanks.

Here.

Help yourself.

Any amount.

Hey, thanks.

Up to five dollars.

Oh.

Well, I'll go the whole route.

Whose dinner party is it?

Well, you, uh, remember Mr. Ferguson at the office?

Yeah.

Well, he's finally getting married.

Getting married?

We must be past 50 years old.

Well, he's 52 to be exact.

So we're, uh, we're giving him a little
bachelor dinner tonight.

Oh, you mean you're throwing a stag?

No, we are not throwing a stag.

We are giving him a little bachelor party tonight.

Well, it's the same thing, Dad.

It is not the same thing.

There's a slight difference, Robbie.

All these men are grown, mature men.

Al Baxter is 70 years old.

He's been married almost 50 years.

Now, can't you just see him at the kind of
a stag party you're talking about?

Or any of the fellas at the office, for that matter.

Or for that matter, me.

Well, yes.

I've been to a few bachelor dinners, Dad.

Sooner or later, in come the dancing girls.

No.

No, the dancing girls won't for me.

Tonight is just dinner and maybe an after
dinner drink and a cigar.

And I'll be home by 10.30.

Sure you will, Dad.

Thank you.

Well, Fergie, you're marrying a wonderful girl.

I know you're going to be very happy.

Thank you, Steve.

You know, this was really very nice of you and the boys.

Oh, it was a pleasure.

You know, we were beginning to think you
and Kathy never would get married.

How long were you engaged, anyway?

Fourteen years, come May.

You didn't want to rush into it, huh?

Dave tells me you're taking two weeks off
for your honeymoon.

Where are you going, Oliver?

Is it a secret?

No, no, we're driving downstate to visit
Kathy's aunt for a week.

Oh, I see.

Well, sounds like a very nice honeymoon.

Having fun, fellas?

Oh, everything's just fine, Tom.

Thanks.

Yes, you arranged a great dinner, Tom.

Great.

Sure did.

Well, Dave, it's about time to hit the road.

Good night, Frankie.

Good night, Tom.

Nice party, Tom.

Oh, wait, Steve, Dave, don't go.

Fellas, the party isn't over.

You know, you asked me to arrange a
bachelor dinner, and I arranged a bachelor dinner.

You know, a little entertainment.

A few lovely females to remind Fergie of
his bachelorhood he's giving up.

Fergie, would you mind the box seat?

Here's our first little lady right now.

Gentlemen, I give you flame.

Steve,

did you know anything about this?

No.

I guess Robbie was right.

He said a bachelor dinner's a bachelor.

And sooner or later, in come the dancing girls.

Maybe it's Tom's idea of a joke.

Yeah.

If it is, he didn't tell her.

Dave, I, uh...

I don't want to be in a wet blanket.

I know.

This isn't for me, either.

Let's see if we can't duck out of here
without putting a damper on the enthusiasm.

Such as it is.

Oh, Steve, you got a light?

Yeah.

I guess Tom thinks that's the only way to
make a bachelor dinner official.

I hope she doesn't catch cold.

At least we had a good turnout for Fergie, huh?

Yeah, right.

Turn on the lights.

All right, I want to get some names and addresses here.

Fellas, please, will you help me?

Look, Miss LaFlame.

LaRose.

Miss LaRose, what is this, part of the gag?

Gag?

That's no gag.

That's a raid in there.

You mean a real raid?

Yes, a real raid.

Dave, maybe we'd better go back in there
and see if we can straighten it out.

Straighten it out, Dad?

Oh, let's get out of here, Steve.

It's every man for himself.

Oh, wait.

What am I going to do?

My clothes are in there.

Well, I'm terribly sorry, Miss, but I'm a married man.

Now, good night and good luck.

Oh, well, you're not married.

Well, no, no, I'm not married, but that doesn't
mean I'm going back in there after your clothes.

Good night.

Mister, you can't just leave me here like this.

What else can I do?

Oh, Mister, this is the first stag I ever worked.

Now, let's get one thing straight, Mr. Rose.

That was not a stag.

At least it wasn't at first.

It was a simple bachelor dinner.

Call it what you want.

I'm just a dancer, see?

I was out of work, and my agent called,
and I needed the money.

Can't you please help me?

Well, all right, I'll give you some money,
and you take a cab and go home.

A cab?

If I set foot on the street to get a cab,
the first cop that sees me, whammo,

he's not going to believe I was babysitting in his outfit.

No, I don't imagine you would.

Now, now, Jack, I'll give you my business card, and I'd
appreciate it if you'd have it returned to my office tomorrow.

Good night.

Oh, wait.

Couldn't you just drop me at my hotel?

It isn't very far, and I could hunch down, nobody
would see me, and sneak out through the parking lot.

Oh, come on, come on.

Thanks, Mr. Douglas, you're a real gentleman.

If you wait just a minute, I'll go get my key, run up
to the room, get a coat, and I'll bring your jacket back.

If I were to, I wouldn't hurry, would I?

I'd like to get home.

Okay.

What's the matter?

I'm locked out of my room.

Locked out of your room?

I owe him $45.

That's why I took that miserable club date tonight.

And now the manager left orders not to give
me my key unless I come up with the money.

All of it.

Well.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's such a problem.

Here.

Here.

Gee, thanks for everything.

Well, it's all right.

I wish I could help, but I'm afraid I don't have $45.

Of course, you do have some place to go.

Dress like this?

Oh, no, I mean you have a family or a girlfriend.

Yeah, back in Peoria.

Oh.

Oh, don't worry.

I'll be okay.

Yeah, well, I wish I could be of more
help, but, well, good night.

Good night.

Good night.

Look, Mr. Rose.

Put the jacket back on and come with me.

First thing we're going to do is get you some clothes.

My son Robbie's about your size.

Oh, you have a son?

Yes, I have three of them at home.

Go ahead.

Come on.

Looks.

Like everybody's asleep.

Now, you just wait here.

I'm going up to Robbie's room.

Oh, Mr. Douglas, here.

Oh, why don't you just leave it there?

You won't be gone long, will you?

I'll have some clothes for you in a minute.

You just trust me.

Mr. Douglas, if I didn't trust you, I wouldn't be here.

Oh.

What?

Who's that?

Oh, it's just me.

Oh, Dad.

What time is it?

Oh, it's about 10.30.

Oh.

You're home early, like you said.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh.

What are you doing?

Hmm?

Oh, I was just straightening out your
dresser drawers, kind of a mess.

I've been here to get to you.

What are you doing for Robbie's clothes?

Well, never mind.

Just get back to bed.

I can't.

Yeah.

Oh.

One.

Of the boys is awake upstairs.

Yes, I heard him.

I think these will fit you.

I'm not so sure about the sneakers, but these are new.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you change right there in the kitchen?

In the.

Kitchen?

Yeah, while we're whispering.

Well, because everybody's asleep, that's why.

I'm not.

Ernie, what do you want in the kitchen?

A glass of milk.

A glass of milk at this time of the night?

I'm thirsty.

Well, you can't be thirsty, Ernie.

Why not?

Well, because you always have a glass of
milk before you go to bed.

It wore off.

Ernie.

All right, you stay right here.

And I'll get the milk for you.

Well, why can't I get it?

Because I just want to get it for you, that's all.

You'd like me to get it for you, wouldn't you?

Well, when I'm in bed, I'd like you to get it for me.

But then you always tell me to get it myself.

Well, that's different, Ernie.

Well, it's just different, that's all.

You take my word for it.

We'll discuss it in the morning.

All right, Ernie, I'll get you some milk, and
then you can run upstairs and hop into bed, huh?

All right.

Well, here we are.

Well, that's a very good trick, Dad.

Can I see you do it again?

Give me the glass, that way.

Oh, Ernie, why don't you just drink it out
of the bottle, huh?

Needle.

Thanks, Dad.

Night.

Good night.

You sure that's all the milk you want?

Yeah.

Night, Dad.

Good night.

Gee, this takes me back to high school.

My dad and I used to have coffee after a dance.

Gee, I didn't realize Peoria could be so nice.

Well, here we are.

Gee, thanks, Mr. Parker.

That's all right.

Just need to get you back in your room and
have a couple of meals.

You can pay me back whenever you can.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I forgot to tell you.

You made it out to Flame the Rose.

Oh, yes.

I just used that name for tonight.

I don't know whether you believe me.

That was the first time I ever danced at a stag.

A bachelor dinner, please.

A bachelor dinner.

My real name is just plain stupid Margaret Smith.

Well, I'll tear this one up and make one
out to just plain stupid Margaret Smith.

Morning, everybody.

Morning, Rob.

Did you have a nice time last night, Dad?

Oh, it was all right.

I was wrong.

About what, Rob?

About, uh... Well, the bachelor dinner.

Oh.

Yes, it was just a friendly gathering.

Boy, that's not like the stags I remember.

Dad, what's a stag?

Just eat your breakfast, huh?

Morning, Dad.

Morning, Uncle Charley.

Morning, Rob.

Morning, Ernie.

What's your breakfast?

Chocolate soda and French ice cream.

Again?

Just eat your breakfast.

Hey, Dad.

Yes, Ernie?

What happened to the girl?

What girl?

The one with the tassels.

You saw a girl with tassels?

Like what?

They were pretty.

Kind of pink.

You see her on TV?

Ernie, we can have a round table
discussion some other time.

That's all just to get our breakfast.

She wasn't on TV.

She was right here in our kitchen.

Boy, Dad, you keep telling me if I run
around with no clothes on, I'll catch a cold.

I didn't hear her sneeze or nothing.

In our kitchen?

This kitchen?

Yeah.

I didn't get a real good look, but she
had enough clothes to hold up the tassels.

Hey, Dad.

Was that a real diamond she had on her stomach?

So, uh, Ernie, uh, are you sure you weren't dreaming?

Dad, if it was a dream, we both dreamed it.

I saw her when you wouldn't let me go into
the kitchen to get some milk.

Don't you remember, Dad?

All right, Steve, you might as well make a full confession.

I wondered where these came from.

I was going to have a talk with Robbie after breakfast.

Just a little bachelor dinner, huh, Dad?

Okay.

I went to this bachelor dinner last night for Mr. Ferguson.

And there was a fellow there, Tom Banner, who, strictly
on his own, arranged to have this young girl entertained.

What's her name?

Maybe I've seen her on TV.

Flame LaRose.

Flame LaRose?

Yes.

Maybe late, late TV.

Flame LaRose is her professional name.

Her real name is Margaret Smith.

Oh, I like Flame LaRose better.

Boy, Dad, wait till I tell the guys at junior high.

Imagine, some of my friends think you're an old guy.

Well, I suppose you could say that Mr.
Welch and I are old guys.

We left about the time she started to dance.

We sort of sneaked out the back way.

And a couple of seconds later, the other
guests had to leave, too, rather hurriedly.

Like there was a fire?

Well, in a way, yes, sir.

Uh, anyway, during all the excitement,
uh, flame, uh, Margaret, uh, Miss Smith,

uh, sort of bumped into us, and, uh, well, she
asked me to drive her to her hotel, uh, which I did.

Well, she found out that, uh, she'd been locked
out of her room because she hadn't paid her rent.

So, uh, I couldn't very well leave her
standing there and with, uh, well,

anyway, I, I got the idea that, uh, maybe she could wear
some of your clothes, Rob, and, uh, so I brought her here.

Oh, so that's why you were up in my room.

Yes, yes.

What happened there?

Well, well, nothing.

I, I mean, she changed her clothes here in
the kitchen, and, uh...

Yeah, well, I was drinking the milk out of the bottle.

Yes.

And, uh, then I put her in a cab and sent her
over to Helen Anderson's to spend the night.

And, uh, that's all there was to it.

Oh.

Well, so you see, uh, Dad was just helping
out a damsel in distress.

Absolutely.

No doubt about it.

Well, who said he wasn't?

Come to think of it, nobody.

Steve, you know I really believe it.

It couldn't have happened just that way to anyone else.

Only you.

Dad?

Oh, hi, Chip.

What's on your mind?

Well, it's about Ernie.

You see, Dad, him hearing all this junk about
ladies with diamonds... Diamonds on their stomachs?

Yeah.

Well, he's just a kid.

I mean, you, me, and Uncle Charley, and Robbie are...

Men of the world, huh?

Well, yeah.

Well, as far as I'm concerned, it's okay
if you bring home the whole floor show.

Except I think we ought to tell Ernie he
was having a dream.

He didn't really bring her home.

Chip, a young lady was in trouble and I tried to help her.

Now, is there anything wrong in that?

Well, no.

But I was just telling the guys at the mall shop about it.

Oh.

And what did the guys say?

Well.

I see.

Well, Chip, the choice is yours.

You can believe me or you can enjoy your
friend's fantasies.

Maybe you think when someone's in trouble,
you ought to get a full report on their

family tree and character before you offer to help.

Well, no, Dad, but I'm not a kid anymore.

Now that I'm a sophomore in junior high, I
thought we ought to just talk it over man to man.

Well, fine, Chip, I enjoyed the talk.

Dad?

Yes, Chip?

Oh, forget it.

Hey, you guys, here's a recipe for chicken cacciatore.

Shall I try it tonight?

Yeah, sounds good, Charlie.

What is it?

Oh, chicken you float around in some kind of red sauce.

Sounds pretty, like that lady's paper.

Chicken, what you call it, be real good all day.

Yeah, I'll try it.

I'll serve it with dumplings and tassels and...

I mean, asparagus.

I'll get it.

Hi.

Hi.

Is this the Douglas residence?

Yes, ma'am.

Well, I have a package here for Mr. Stephen Douglas.

It's some clothes.

Hey, you guys, it's flame the Rose.

I mean, this flame the Rose.

I didn't recognize you with your clothes on.

Well, come in, Margaret.

Is it all right?

Well, of course it's all right.

They told us all about you.

I'm the one who saw you last night.

You were wearing that other thing.

Oh, Ernie.

Well, she was, weren't you?

That's enough, Ernie.

Margaret, this is Uncle Charley.

How do you do?

Oh, yeah.

And, uh, this is Chip, and, uh, this is Ernie.

Hi.

Yeah, Dad.

Oh, and this is Robbie.

Fellas, this is Margaret Smith.

Hi.

How do you do?

How do you do?

Can I call you Flame?

It's a pretty name.

Margaret reminds me of Margaret Gockenhart.

Yeah!

Robbie, I think these are yours.

Oh, uh, thank you.

Your father was kind enough to lend them to me.

Last night, we had a little emergency.

You had a couple of loose spangles, so I tightened them up.

Well, uh, come on in and sit down, Margaret.

I'll heat up some coffee.

Fine, Charlie.

Watch your step, Bert.

Maybe you'd like some cold pot roast from my icebox.

No, I... I don't think I have time for pot roast.

I'm on my way to the airport.

This is, uh, sort of thanks and goodbye.

Oh.

But I did want to tell you something before I left.

All right, everybody.

All you kids, out.

Oh, no, no, please.

All of you.

Margaret, uh, believe me, no thank you
speeches are necessary.

This isn't a thank you speech.

It's just something I want you to know.

I did some thinking last night for a change.

I guess you don't get much homer.

I realized I hit rock bottom.

Dancing at a bachelor dinner and locked
out of my hotel room and...

Depending on a... Complete stranger for help.

It isn't what I had in mind when I left Peoria.

So, uh, this morning I wired home for some money.

Enough to pay my hotel bill and for railroad fare and...

And I tore up your check.

And, uh, I'm going home.

I'm going back to my old job in the department store.

Back to a lot of nice, unglamorous people
I used to think were square.

And I'm going to try to pick up the pieces and
make a life that a man like you could respect.

Because last night I realized I wanted
your respect very, very much.

And I hope someday I'll get married and have some kids,
and I hope their father will be a real gentleman like you.

Thank you.

Uncle Charley, I'll bet chicken cacciatore
would be very good at that.

Sure it would.

With or without tassels.