07x13 - tr*mp or Ernie

[bunniefuu]

I was in the same woods as you were yesterday.

Now, I don't have any burrs.

Hi, Ernie.

Hi, Dad.

You're downstairs kind of early this morning.

Yes, I want to get tr*mp brushed out before I go to school.

Oh, good idea.

Bless you.

Thank you.

Here we are.

Hot off the ironing board.

Oh, thanks, Charlie.

I didn't realize the back was so wrinkled.

You have an early meeting today?

No, I'm just going out to have coffee with Phil Daly.

It's his last day at the office.

They're letting him go.

Bless you.

What's wrong with Daly?

Well, there's nothing wrong, Charlie.

He's a good man.

It's just that they have to cut down out
there, and he's the one with the least seniority.

Too bad, but that's the breach.

Yeah.

Dad, what's so bad about having the...

Well, what this guy has leased up?

What do you mean, the least seniority?

Yeah.

Well, Ernie, that means he's been with the company
the shortest time, so he's the one they have to let go.

Why do they have to let the shortest guy go?

Well, I guess the idea is that a younger
man is more flexible and has a better

chance of finding a new position and can
adjust better to a new situation.

To me, it sounds like a dirty trick.

Well, I guess Mr. Daly feels the same way,
Ernie, but that's the way things are.

If you say so.

Goodbye.

Bye, Ernie.

Ernie.

It sounds to me as if you've picked up a little cold.

I think you'd better tell Charley to keep you home today.

You don't want to go spending those germs all over school.

Now, you gargle with hot salt water and drink plenty
of fruit juices and we'll fix you up with nothing flat.

Bye.

Uh-huh.

He had to go drink coffee with a guy that got fired
because he hadn't been working there long enough.

Oh, seniority.

Yeah.

That's the way things are.

Hey, have you got a cold?

I didn't think so, but Dad said I did.

I've got a sure cure, Ernie.

This guy in chem lab told me about it.

Gargle with glycerin and cold water and
drink plenty of Sauerkraut juice.

Ugh, I don't think that's cold.

It fits you up in nothing flat.

Hey, am I late?

I heard Dad's calling.

No, no, it's okay.

Dad went early because some friend's being fired.

Fired?

Okay, what for?

For being shorter on the job.

Oh, seniority.

Hey, it sounds like you have a cold.

Oh, I guess so.

I read a cure in a magazine.

Gargle with prune juice and drink plenty
of bicarbonate of soda.

What's that?

Gargle with bicarbonate of soda and drink
plenty of prune juice.

Well, anyway, it'll fix you up nothing flat.

Why, you lucky.

All you have is burrs in your coat.

Hey, Ernie, what's this I hear about you sneezing?

Dad said I have a cold and you should keep me home.

Well, all right, all right.

Upstairs and into bed for you.

But I don't feel sick.

I want you to gargle every two hours with hot
mouthwash and drink plenty of piping hot onion soup.

And do you know what?

Uh-huh.

Nothing flat.

Yeah.

So, come on.

Outside for you.

Come on.

Out this way.

Come on.

Here.

Right here.

Out the door.

Come here.

Right there.

Go.

All right, Fred.

I'm telling you, Steve, the kid has made a
remarkable recovery.

Well, that's great, Charlie.

You know, when I left here this morning, it
looked like he was coming down with a dandy.

Oh, you never saw anything like it.

Three mouthwash coddles and two plates of onion soup,
and the kid hasn't got a sneeze left in his whole system.

That's great.

Where is he now?

Oh, upstairs in bed.

I thought I'd keep him there for a while.

And look, come on upstairs and see, will you?



You know, I might write this up for the medical journal.

Charlie O'Casey's short cure for the common cold.

Hey, you know, the onion soup's pretty good stuff.

You wouldn't think so, if they're hot now.

Ha!

Hiya, tr*mp.

Where you been all day?

Hi, Dad.

Hi.

Well, Ernie, what's this I hear about you
making medical history?

Fastest cold recovery on record.

All right.

Breathe for him, Ernie.

See?

Clear as a bell.

Remarkable.

Hasn't sneezed since noon, right?

Right.

Archie!

Gesundheit.

Hey, now, wait a minute.

He was just...

Archie!

Archie!

Charlie, it doesn't look like a remarkable recovery to me.

He's doing it on purpose.

Archie!

No, I'm not.

I can't help it.

You know, Charlie, maybe it's an allergy.

An allergy to what?

Well, I don't know, but we ought to be
able to figure it out.

It's usually stuff like food or dust or animals.

tr*mp.

tr*mp?

tr*mp.

tr*mp.

Oh, no, not tr*mp.

Let's go downstairs, Sid.

Go on downstairs.

Done.

I'm sorry, tr*mp, old boy, but out you go.

All right, Ernie, you can come down now.

Hey, what gives?

What's everybody so gloomy about?

I still bet it isn't tr*mp at all.

He slept in my bed a million times and it
never bothered me.

What do you mean, bothered you?

What did tr*mp do?

Well, tr*mp didn't do anything, Rob.

It's just that we think maybe Ernie's allergic to tr*mp.

Allergic to tr*mp?

No, I'm not.

Honest, Dad, it must be something else.

It just has to be.

I've been smelling tr*mp for a year.

Maybe it's something new about tr*mp.

Hey, hey, there is.

I forgot all about it, but I did.

What are you talking about, Chip?

I sprinkled him with some pine junk yesterday.

Now we're getting someplace.

Sure, it's the pine junk.

I'm not allergic to tr*mp at all.

Well, now, let's not jump to conclusions.

I'll go get it and show you, Dad.

Now, Dad, this is really making sense.

It's got to be something new that's
bothering Ernie, not the same old dog.

Well, it sounds reasonable.

Here it is.

I bought that stuff last year.

I'll bet it makes me sneeze like crazy.

I even feel kind of sneezy just looking at the bottle.

Okay, Dad?

Well, it's worth a try, Chip, yeah.

Give him a whiff.

How about it, Ernie?

Boy, it makes your eyes water and everything.

Boy, I can hardly keep from sneezing.

Yeah, we can see that.

Look, the only way to find out for sure is to take
him in to Dr. Parker and let him make a series of tests.

I'll tell him about this pine junk and...

Well, like Robbie says, it makes much more
sense than it being tr*mp because I...

He sneezed!

It's okay, it's okay.

That settles it.

It's the pine junk.

It's tr*mp.

It's tr*mp.

Not much doubt about it, Steve.

He's allergic to dogs.

But the only dog I'm around is tr*mp.

I've never sneezed at him before.

Ernie, sometimes it takes months,
even years, for a sensitivity to build up.

Well, Ed, what do we do about it?

I'll put him on antihistamines right away.

What's he going to put me on?

It's a kind of a pill, Ernie.

Oh.

We should know in 24 hours whether these
are going to have any effect.

In the meantime, I'd keep him away from the dog.

But how can I stay away from tr*mp?

I have to feed him and comb him in junk.

Well, Ernie, we'll just have to let Robbie
and Chip take over your job for a while.

But suppose the pill doesn't work.

Of course, the obvious solution would be
to get rid of the dog.

No, Dad.

Well, Ernie, we won't even think about that for a while.

Let's just get these pills on you and see
what happens, huh?

You all right?

Are we ready for the countdown on Operation Sneeze?

Well, I think so, Charlie.

Ernie all ready?

I'll see.

Yeah, it's good.

All right, you guys, get Ernie down here
and don't make a big deal out of it.

Hey, Ernie, come on down for the test.

Oh, I'm taking so many pills, I'm rattle when I walk.

How do you feel?

Great.

I haven't sneezed once since last night.

I think I already have gum allergy.

All right, take it easy.

Take it easy.

Well, everything's going to be all right.

Well, Ernie, you ready?

Oh, okay, dear.

Here you go.

Hey, boy, did you miss me, boy?

How about it, Ernie?

I don't even feel like sneezing.

Are you sure?

Sure, look.

I can even smell them and it doesn't bother me.

Well, now that this crisis is over, we might as well...

It was just an ordinary sneeze.

Anybody can have an ordinary sneeze.

All right, tr*mp.

Come on, tr*mp, let's go outside.

Come on.

tr*mp,

you can't come in the house.

Come on, tr*mp, let's go outside.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

I've.

Got it all worked out.

Listen to this.

tr*mp isn't allowed upstairs, and Ernie
gets to come downstairs at mealtimes and

from 8 to 10 in the mornings and from 6 to 8 at night.

tr*mp can come into the downstairs part of the house
from noon until 5 O'clock and after 8 O'clock at night.

Great.

Now all we have to do is buy tr*mp a watch.

We've got to work this out some way.

Hey, somebody open this door, will you?

I've got my arms full of laundry.

I can't tell you a guy can take root
before you guys can give it to you.

The dog's got a problem.

I got a problem.

Ernie's got a problem.

And we might as well face it.

The solution is going to be b*stard.

Come on, get in there.

That too.

That came out.

You gave tr*mp away?

Uncle Charley, you didn't.

Gave your voices down.

No point in having Ernie hear about it
until after tr*mp is gone.

Now look at it my way.

No more shedding on the rugs.

But tr*mp can't help that, Uncle Charley.

You don't just give a dog away because he sheds his coat.

tr*mp's been living with us since he was a puppy.

Sure, he's part of the family.

So is Ernie.

But they both can't live here.

But isn't there any other way to do something?

No.

So get his leash and his collie together and I'll
lock him in the garage until the Millards get here.

You mean they're coming to take him today?

It's got to be done now.

You can't put it off.

No use prolonging the agony.

There's got to be another way.

Like what?

tr*mp's been living in this house for seven whole years.

That's 49 dog years.

And Ernie hasn't even been here a year.

Boy, now you know why they say it's a dog's life.

Hi, tr*mp.

You don't have to worry about those people
coming to take you.

They're going to take you away.

I heard Uncle Charley say you and me both
can't live in the same house.

Lonnie, can I?

But if one of us has to go, it isn't going to be you.

I wouldn't do a dirty trick like that to a friend.

Anyway.

There's this thing called seniority.

You've probably never heard of it being a dog.

But it's when someone who's been there the
shortest time has to leave first.

And that's me.

So I'm going and you can stay.

Okay?

Now get down!

You're getting a greasy paw all over my suit.

You want me to start sneezing and stuff?

Now stay away!

Goodbye, you dumb dog.

Be seeing you.

It's been real nice knowing you.

The whole Douglas family.

Goodbye, dumb dog.

Dumb dog.

Hello.

Yes, this is he.

Who is this?

Yes, Mrs. Willis.

Yes, Ernie Douglas is my son.

Well, what's he doing there?

I see.

I'll be right there, Mrs. Willis.

Douglas.

How do you do?

Where's Ernie?

I think I'll leave you two alone.

Excuse me.

Hello, Ernie.

Hi, Mr. Douglas.

Mr. Douglas?

Well, since you're not going to be my father
anymore, I don't think I ought to call you dad.

Oh, I see.

I heard Uncle Charley telling Robbie and Chip about
how he's giving away tr*mp because of my allergy.

Boy, what kind of clunk would make a family who
likes give away their own dog just on account of him?

Ernie, don't you think it might have been
a good idea if we talked this over first?

Talk what over?

If tr*mp or me has to go, it has to be me
on account of that seniority stuff, like you said.

Seniority?

Guy, Dad, you were the one
explaining to me, remember, about

how the guy who's been someplace
shortest is supposed to leave?

So you left because tr*mp has seniority, huh?

Yeah, so you and Chip and Robbie can keep tr*mp.

I know how much you like him and stuff.

Well, Ernie, about seniority, that doesn't apply to members

of a family, and you're a
permanent member of our family now.

Well, so is tr*mp.

That's right, he is.

Unlike Uncle Charley.

Like Uncle Charley said, one of us has to go.

Ernie, Uncle Charley didn't really mean that.

We couldn't let either one of you go.

But I sneeze at tr*mp.

How long can a kid keep sneezing?

Well, I have no idea what the record is.

But as you grow older, you learn that there's very seldom
a simple choice between right and wrong or good and bad.

You very often have to settle for something
somewhere in between bad and worse.

You have to go with the lesser of the evils.

Do you understand what I'm driving?

Yeah, I guess you mean that...

No.

Well, I mean, we have to face the facts, Ernie.

And the fact is, you're allergic to tr*mp.

Now, we have to live with that fact.

I sneeze my brains out.

Well, maybe tr*mp will have to put up with keeping out of
your room or giving up some of his other house privileges.

We'll do what we can.

Maybe Dr. Parker will come up with some
new pills or allergy shots that'll help.

Or maybe you'll outgrow the allergy.

Hey!

Do you really think so?

Well, I don't know, Ernie.

I think there's always that chance,
but we can't count on it.

But whatever happens, we'll get together
and talk it over and try to figure out what to do.

And it won't be losing someone we love.

It may not be the perfect way,
but it'll be the best we can do.

I guess that's really what being part of a
family is all about, Ernie.

Hi, Dad.

Being part of a family is a pretty good deal, huh?

I recommend it highly, Ernie.

How about giving it another try?

Okay.

Okay.

Let's go home, huh?

Dad, you're lucky you're going to let
tr*mp stay, because I wouldn't even want

to be part of a family that'd fire a 49-year-old dog.

Boy, you're still a mess.

Robbie and Chip sure don't know much about
getting burrs out of a dog's coat.

Morning, Ernie.

Morning, Dad.

Had your breakfast yet?

No, not yet.

Oh, say, don't forget now, I'm picking you
up right after school this afternoon.

We have that appointment with Dr. Parker.

Okay, I won't forget.

Ernie, don't you think maybe you're
pressing your luck just a little?

Oh, no, Dad.

I've been brushing tr*mp for almost half hour.

Half hour already, and I've hardly sneezed at all.

That's fine, Ernie.

Boy, Dad, you were sure right.

Things really work themselves out if you
just concentrate on a way.

Yeah.

Well, come on, let's get something to eat, huh?

Huncho!

Huncho!

Huncho!

What could be as nice as an hour with my three sons?

How about an hour with three daughters?

Sure.

Stay tuned for Bobby Joe, Betty Joe,
Billy Joe, and everyone at the Shady Rest.

Hotel on Petticoat Junction as TV Land's
Twice as Nice Morning continues.