07x19 - My Dad, the Athlete

[bunniefuu]

Go, please.

Please, you mustn't go.

Not yet.

You have a whole world, a whole lifetime
ahead of you without me.

Surely you can spare me one minute?

Just one minute?

That one minute will stretch into five more shows.

You on your way?

Yeah, Dave's picking me up.

I'll call you when I get there, Charlie.

What can I say?

What is there for me to say?

What can anyone say?

Is this seminar you're going to all lectures and work?

Or will you find some time to enjoy yourself?

We'll have a pretty full schedule during the
day, Charlie, but we'll have our evenings off.

Does she always cry like that?

Yeah, that's the name of the show.

Nor all your tears.

Nothing else, son.

Game shows.

Last time I watched a game show with an
eye on my hand, I scorched three shirts.

Well, there's Dave.

Go.

I'm going.

See you, Charlie.

Go on, you're not really here.

You never have been.

Have a good time.

I hate to leave her like this.

I'll fill you in how it comes out when you get back.

Okay, Charlie.

Why do I do everything to drive you away
when all I really want is to have you?

Have you near me?

Why?

Why?

Why?

How long will Dad be away at this seminar?

Middle of next week.

Hey, did I tell you guys I'm producing a TV show?

Can I be on it?

No, no kids.

It's a college thing.

We have a little TV studio on campus.

It's serious-minded stuff.

Serious-minded?

And you're going to produce it?

The idea is to get a bigger audience for good things.

Our committee's having a meeting tomorrow,
so I have to catch the show we're telecasting tonight.

What time?

Right now.

Hey, Robbie, you can't turn your program on now.

It's almost time for Blastoff.

Countdown's coming up.

I can't miss Blastoff.

This is important, Ernie.

So's Blastoff.

Last week, the rocket reactor power on the Galaxy Queen had

lost its heterogeneity, and
we're drifting into a time warp.

Well, they'll pull out of it.

Sure, but how?

Uncle Charley, we made a deal.

I get to watch Blast Off, and then at


And then at 8, you get to watch the Jerry
O'Dowd Show, starring Jerry O'Dowd.

Ernie, it won't hurt us to interrupt our
regular schedule for an important event.

The networks do it.

Well, it's always my program you interrupt.

Hello there.

Hello there.

I am Professor Hugo von Rensselaer.

And for the next 30 minutes, we are going
to have fun with Maxima and Minima.

He must mean Maxine and Minnie.

I think it was a sister act.

Ready for a little shocker?

Take a look at this.

I'll wager you've never seen anything like that on TV.

Not recently.

Will this re-interrupt our regularly scheduled program?

I'm going to go do my homework.

It's more interesting.

He better bring on Maxie and the Mini, quick.

Gripped by the implications?

Here we have a clear application of the
optimization theory and zero-sum matrix games.

Okay, Ernie.

I think I get the idea why they want different programs.

Any of us.

I'm sure.

Let's see how things are going on the old galaxy queen.

Oh, boy.

Thanks, Rob.

You're not on the channel.

Sure I am.

This is it.

How come I don't see anything?

You're not supposed to.

This is what happens when you get caught in a time warp.

The whole crew ended up invisible.

Look, the reason we were appointed on this committee
was because all of us in English lit criticized TV.

Okay, here's our chance to do it better.

Well, back to Professor von Rensselaer and
his math lecture.

Oh, let's face it.

The practical thing to do is to close down.

Anyway, amateur TV is a drag.

See you in class.

Well, why don't we just jot down some ideas?

Okay.

We're going to pick the nose, I guess.

Hi.

Hi.

Which one's Robbie Douglas?

I'm Douglas.

Can I help you?

No.

But I can help you.

I'd like to join the TV disaster committee.

Well, move right in.

I guess last night's TV program was sort of a disaster.

All year long, it's been something less than spectacular.

I'm not talking about a weaselly little college program.

I mean TV.

The whole ball of wax.

The wasteland.

Well, we better prove we can do better before we criticize.

Has anyone suggested reality?

That's new?

Brand new.

Never been attempted.

Show it the way it is.

The real scene.

Lift up the big wet rock and expose all
the little crawling things underneath.

Okay, hold on just a second.

You know, you really don't have any right
to come in here and just tell us what to do.

Who are you anyway?

Vanessa Harrington.

Journalism major.

I heard the professors were taking a run
out on the TV show, so I thought this

would be our chance, the smallest chance
to say something worth saying,

but I can see that... No, Miss Harrington,
we're perfectly willing to discuss this.

All right.

I'll explain the real scene to you, and what
you like, you bring back to these fat cats.

Meeting is adjourned.

It's all right, Dad.

I explained to your boss about it was me that put
the frog in his desk, and he's not going to fire you.

And Mrs. Ponsonby is not going to sue you
for what my pet badger did to her dahlias.

And we didn't forget it was your birthday.

We just wanted to surprise you.

We have something special for you.

That nobody else can give you.

A picture of all three of us.

A bunch of clunky kids.

Come on, pick for me.

Chip, this is a rerun.

We've already seen it.

Why don't we watch Poochie Dog instead?

That's a nice, quiet show.

Except for the barking.

It isn't fair.

The deal is, I get Son of w*r pain if I
give you Kelly's kids.

Yeah, but why do you want to watch Son of w*r
pain again when you know what's going to happen?

I forget how it ends.

The Indians capture the girl, but her father's a doctor.

And he's the only one who can save the
life of the chief's son.

Who's dying of a mysterious disease.

What do you want to hear?

The doctor cures the chief's son.

And Wade Tolliver proves the Indians are good guys, too.

The only bad doctor is the guy in the
fancy suit, right there.

I still want to watch it.

So let's just see what Poochie's doing.

All he ever does...

What's the matter with you two?

I could hear you out in the kitchen.

It was my turn to choose a program,
and I chose Son of Warpaint.

That's why I never get to see Poochie.

Well, let me tell you something, and you too.

You're not going to see Poochie or Son of
Warpaint or anything else for a week.

A week?

If you can't watch television and act like civilized
human beings, then you're not going to watch television.

I'm sorry, Uncle Charlie.

It won't happen again.

Me too.

Give us another chance.

No more chances.

Maybe after a week without television,
you'll remember there's some other

important things, like having a little
consideration for other people.

A whole week?

A whole week without TV?

A whole week.

Nobody's to turn on this set for a whole week.

Nobody?

Nobody.

Not even you?

Not...

Not even me.

The first thing we have to do is bring
down the dad image on TV.

There are two kinds of dads.

The all-knowing great white father, or the
boo mom and the kids bounce her laughs off of.

We'll show them some reality, like your family and mine.

Uh, Vanessa, why don't we just leave my family out of it?

I think we'll get along fine if we just...

With TV.

Okay.

We start with a family situation comedy, dad and all that.

Only we show them the real live family,
something they can look at and know what it is.

Vanessa, you're pretty and you're bright,
but what are you so bitter about?

What's bitter about the truth?

Take a good look around you, read the papers, talk
to people, then try to relate it to what you see on TV.

Well, well, I, I never thought of it that
way before, up till now.

I like you, Robbie.

Your eyes are opening.

We're going to put on a program to knock them
off their pins as soon as they've had a look at reality.

Who's going to write all this reality?

Well, who else?

I've seen it the way it is.

Turn.

It in, huh?

Yeah.

Dave, it's been a long day.

I'm tired.

I'll catch up in my sleep.

Oh, Steve, will it bother you if I turn
the television on for a little while?

Oh, no, go ahead, Dave.

It won't bother me.

Nothing could keep me awake tonight.

Good night.

You know, I don't believe I have, Dave.

Well, that's pretty remarkable when you stop to think
the Spanish-American w*r lasted less than four months.

Yeah.

Uncle Charley?

No.

Just one little program?

Any program?

I said that set wasn't going on, and it's not going on.

I can't do my homework without television.

What are you talking about?

I'm used to having the television on when
I'm doing my homework.

It's hard to work without it.

You're wasting your time.

How about just the picture with no sound?

Or how about the sound with no picture?

Uncle Charley, we're going to miss the first run of a
major studio feature motion picture starring Dawes Hannifin.

And we're missing Teenage Frenzy right now.

Sissy and Churl are co-hosting, and the
special guest stars are Nero and his firemen.

It's so quiet around here, I can't hear you.

Okay, I guess I'll go upstairs and study my gut.

We're the government.

We're studying the Constitution.

You know, there's a part that forbids
cruel and unusual punishments.

People have got along without television
for thousands of years.

We can get along without it for one week.

I'm going up, too.

What are you taking the TV magazine for?

So I can read up on what I'm missing.

Oh, Chip?

Yeah?

What are you doing?

Watching Frenzy.

You and his firemen are on.

Out there?

On the Buckley set, across the street.

Let me see, please.

What's the matter?

A real low-down dirty trick.

Mrs. Buckley pulled her drapes.

Oh, my God.

Hiya, Steve.

Oh, hiya, Charlie.

Well, it's good to be home.

How did everything go?

Well, I learned a lot.

Everything go all right here at home?

No, I'd be on television in this house for a week.

Oh, this went, huh?

Yeah.

At the time, it seemed like a good idea.

But ever since then, I've been asking myself, why?

Why?

Why?

You get rested up?

No, but Dave did.

You know, Charley, I found out there's a
late, late, late, late show.

It's early to bed for me for the next week.

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Dad.

Hi, fellas.

Have a good show?

Yeah, fine.

Have any fun?

Well, I, uh, I watch these late, late, late...

Oh, I'm sorry.

Uncle Charley told you about the... Yeah, he told me.

Imagine it was a little rough on you guys, huh?

I'll tell you what.

The week isn't up until tomorrow,
but to celebrate your dad's coming home

and because Robbie's going to be on
tonight, I'll lift the TV ban as of now.

Hey, great.

Thanks, Uncle Charley.

We promise never to argue about programs again.

Due to circumstances beyond our control,
we regret that nor all your tears,

regularly scheduled at this time, will not be seen.

Good evening.

Welcome to College TV.

Tonight, we present the first program of a
new series, The Way It Is.

Tonight's show was written and directed by
Vanessa Harrington, produced by Robert Douglas.

That great?

My son, the producer.

The scene is the kitchen of an ordinary,
everyday, real-life family.

It is early morning.

Claudia, how many times do I have to tell you
nobody fools with the paper until your father sees it?

But, Daddy, I like to see the funny.

Shut up, or would you like to get the
funnies right over your head?

Emma!

Emma!

I'm gonna be late for work again!

Can't you get up in time to make coffee?

Once!

I'm coming, I'm coming.

How do you expect me to get up?

I didn't sleep a wink all night.

Daddy won't let me see the funnies.

I never get to see the funnies.

Is that Robbie's idea a reality?

No, it's a goofy girl that's going there.

Now you can see what I've been doing.

The weirdo playing the old lady.

And for this we're missing Blastoff?

You're not going to leave just like that.

What else?

You forgot to take out the garbage.

If that's reality, give me the old phony baloney.

Next weekend I watch Blastoff.

You certainly can, and I think we'll all join you.

Wasn't it wonderful?

We really told them off.

You thought that was good?

Marvelous.

The real scene, just like we promised.

Next week we'll stab them again.

Vanessa, there won't be any next week.

The Dean called.

The reaction was pretty bad.

Oh.

You should have expected it.

You should have known they wouldn't have
the courage to go through with it.

The conformists got to them again.

Vanessa, nobody got to anybody.

It was just bad.

You know, you seem to think that nice
people aren't reality.

Oh, come on, Robbie.

You know what home life is, the same as I do.

Is your family like what we did here tonight?

Well, yes.

Of course, isn't... Vanessa, I'm sorry for you.

Oh, hi, Charlie.

You went to bed a long time ago.

What are you doing in front of the TV set?

Didn't Robbie's program k*ll you?

I went to bed, Charlie, but I couldn't go to sleep.

I kept thinking about this old movie I
watched in the hotel room with Dave Welsh.

I watched it every night for a week, but I could
never stay awake long enough to see how it ended.

I thought if I came down and saw it
tonight, I could forget about it.

I don't think I'm going to make it tonight, either.

Well, I'll turn you off.

You can try again tomorrow.

Tomorrow night.

Well, maybe one of these days I'll have it
on the early, early, early show,

and I'll catch it some morning before breakfast.

Good night, Charlie.

Good night.

What could be as nice as an hour with my three sons?

How about an hour with three daughters?

Sure.

Stay tuned for Bobby Joe, Betty Joe,
Billy Joe, and everyone at the Shady Rest.

Hotel on Petticoat Junction, as TV Land's
Twice as Nice Morning continues.